MIS，2012fall，PS求拍砖，要缩到500字，疯了

shallowshade

As an outstanding student in major of Economics and Management of Agriculture and Forestry, I need to do lots of interdisciplinary thinking and research. This experience not only gives me an in-depth understanding about how business works and creates values, but also exposes me in various contacts with different subjects and ultimately leads me to my true calling for an information-business-combined career.


This calling starts from a piece of news. In May, 2011, the celery planters in a Chinese County, Zhouzhi, encountered their most severe sales problem. Even they were willing to give these vegetables for free, barely any retailers went there and take them. Simultaneously, the price of celery in the supermarkets and retailers’ markets reaches its historic high point. This is a typical problem of scarcity of information. In a situation where both high level of demand and supply exist, this tragedy is really surprising and specially meaningful, it reminds me that the linking section between these two parts is important, too; and its importance is becoming more and more indispensable in today’s transforming and uniting world. So I choose information management as my career to effectively bridge the gap between business and information, as well as between demands and supplies.


In addition to this strong calling, I feel that I possess the potentials and skills necessary to succeed in the degree course and beyond.


In my undergraduate university I have always been an enthusiastic learner, and never neglected the importance of a solid academic foundation. Through my hard working, I have gained several A-level grades in core courses of business, mathematics and IT.


Additionally, I was the team leader of an information development research program, in which I have polished and demonstrated an interdisciplinary searching and thinking talents, as well as my leadership skills. Much more importantly, the huge developing gap between cities and villages in the real world has always reminded me of the needs, challenges and opportunities there.


Furthermore, I have lots of extra-curricular activities experience. The 7-week internship as a TV program cataloger in the local TV station gives me a closer look at the mechanism of information management and the invaluable hands-on experience of managing information to make the true value. What’s more, collaborating with different people in a multi-culture environment also granted me the capability to cope with a diversified situation. This is another milestone in my career pathway. I am also a skillful Erhu(A traditional Chinese music instrument) player and a painter, this puts extra weight on my disciplinary and meticulous characteristics.


However, I still need to receive further education and seek the master’s degree in XXX. The potentials and talents stated above can be turned into mature skills and capabilities in the much more challenging and competitive environment. At the same time, lots of my visions about the new ways of blending business and information can gain comprehensive and professional theoretical and technical support here. In a sum, only the XXX’s tradition of high-level acceptance and appreciation for culture-diversify and strong motivations for pursuing and solving problems in the real global business world, together with a balanced course arrangement between business and IT, the ideal location-XYZ, and the appropriate length of program can make my graduate study in the U.S.A value for the funds and time I devote. At the same time, if I can be granted a chance to follow my dream, I will not let you down.


Upon obtaining the master’s degree and being ready to step into the real business world, I will bring what I have acquired to some less-developed, but socially meaningful and financially profitable fields. I am eager to join the information programs aimed to provide information solutions to those who are being left behind in this information revolution. In fact I have never dropped my plan to solve the problems in the Chinese markets of agriculture products. I hope that one day people’s transaction habits will be totally changed by an efficient and secure information system; the activities of buying agriculture products will no longer be attached to the unpleasant experiences filled with dirty environments, inconvenience and the worry about food safety. With the help of an information system, compounded with efficient supply chains, faster transportations, highly-developed food traceability and online-offline-interactive social communities, all the participants in the activity of supplying and marketing agriculture products will benefit.


Ultimately, I would like to be a unique information architect. With a clear and in-depth understanding of business, competent IT skills and well-trained interpersonal abilities gained at XXX, I can effectively re-architect our business world with information, help people make better and easier decisions and make this invaluable information recourse within easy access and control to more and more people. In that way, I can create value for companies, XXX and the whole society.

In the past 22 years of living and studying I have found two most shining things:
1.    Always remain enthusiastic and curious about the less developed fields, there lies the chance to be successful, as well as our social responsibility.
2.    Always remain sensitive and accustomed to the study and research across disciplines and cultures. This is the proper attitude and a key to the problems in the sophisticated real world.
With these tenets deeply rooted in the tradition of XXX, I am confident to walk much further along my career pathway.


如题，长度不合适，要缩到500以内，实在是想到脑壳疼，受不了了，请求大家建议：砍掉哪部分比较好呢？

shallowshade

顶

shallowshade

请大家给意见啊

andreaaa

我觉得楼主写的挺有逻辑啊，行文顺畅，读着舒服~~~

shallowshade

谢谢啊，可是现在我面临很头疼的问题时，要删字数

shallowshade

求助啊

liuxuanlihao

500词以内？是PS吗？还是ESSAY?没有给具体的问题要求吗？

shallowshade

是的500以内，PS，问题主要集中在short Term/long term goal，背景，why this program,why this school上，头疼

liuxuanlihao

那基本就等于是ESSAY了，我就按ESSAY的观点来提几点拙见吧。

首先，把Upon obtaining the master’s degree and being ready to step into the real business world, 这一段和你的第二段GOAL整合，并且减少或者直接去掉GOAL形成过程，直接写GOAL。

然后，Ultimately, I would like to be a unique information architect和下面2点体会这两段放到前面你具备什么能力那里然后整合。

最后是两段WHAY PROGRAM整合到一起。

shallowshade

谢谢你的意见，不过长短期目标分开来写，不会影响结构吗？