[分享]德克的猪的修改集合

德克的猪

请XDJMs不要顶这个帖子，我还要继续添加。

TOPIC:钱是不是选择工作中最重要的考虑

Life is like a long and winding road. Thus, money becomes a routine necessity which can help us live through privation. So money is an essential fact for hunting a job.

(Life is a road which has never been paved. Therefore on road of life, there are so many stumbling blocks. To eliminate those blocks, one needs tools. Money, I believe, is one of the most efficient and important tools. And to obtain money, we need to work, hence the indispensable concern of money for a job hunting.你的原来的那个开头的意思,我是可以理会的.但是,老外就不一定的,他们有的时候就是那么笨.所以我就重写了一下.这个开头用了3句才成功的过渡到money,稍微长了点<其实也不过57词>.如果你能够写到400字,就可以用这种过渡比较长的开头.)

Initially, money can give us a high quality substance life. Getting a good job(with high salary) means you have sufficient economic condition to make your life more colorful. When I(人称需要一致,你前面用的you,这里却用的I,这样就是不一致.我建议你不要用you这个单词来表人.我看过不少的英文文章,用you来表示<人>,<你>这个概念的不多.你这里反正都是称述自己的观点,最好用I.以后写要用you的时候,最好可以用one来代替) have a higher salary, I can buy imported cars, big houses, advanced digital intruments or anything I want(这里需要体现出表达的细节化,可以写为:I can afford a Benz or Beemer<in our country, both kinds are expensive>, modern apartment, latest digital products say, Xbox 360, iPhone and many things I want to own). Prosperty(Being affluent) gives(can offer) me a variety of options that I can enjoy the life at my own choice(I can choose my unique way to live without worrying about how to make ends meet every day.). It(It指代不明.你以后用代词的时候最好先考虑一下是否指代清除.指代不明是一个很普遍的问题.) isn't(does not) depends on others like my parents or social welfare. So there is no doubt that job (with considerable salary) can give me the thing which others can't(cannot) especially the necessities of existence(这个句子有语病,你自己看一下,我不太明白你要表达的意思).

What's(What is) more, having a good salary need your struggle. It shows your superior status to others when you want to be outstanding. "Anyone who doesn't want to be a tycoon isn't a good soldier," said by napoleon, a famous commander in franch history. This idiom points out that everyone who want a advanced position must show their intense desire about it. Similarly,
what you should do about getting a appreciable wage is to exhibit your enthusiasm on working. Annual income sometimes means your capacity on a job skill. When you work hard in a company, you can get respect from others. (这段有离题的嫌疑,所以我没有修改.你要说的是钱是不是重要的一个考虑,你这段的开头一句给人的感觉就是和主题不相关.每个段落的开头都必须清除的表现出和主题相关的东西.这个是老外的写作习惯.)

However, money cannot do everything we want. It is a fact that money is just parts of our lives, there are some other things need us to pay close attention to. But in modern society, money is one of the most important attribute which measures people's occupational level. (让步段,这个长度比较合适.你最好再添加一句:Consequently, it is not wise to neglect money in job hunting.这类的话)
   

All in all, money cannot be faraway from our eyesights when we want to select a proper job because it impact both our physical situation and prestige.

问题不少。

你需要注意你人称的一致性。当然，我不要求你在整篇文章的主语使用上保持在一个可以让读者很舒服的水平上，

但是你必须做到不让别人confused，就是，不要在you, I, one之间转过去，转过来。

不要用缩略的书写形式，比如I'm, doesn't.这个我提醒过你，我希望你不要再犯类似的错误。

还有就是你的连贯性不够，开头段就直接反应了这个问题。

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-7-19 13:26:52编辑过]

德克的猪

TOPIC：老师帮助学生树立信心和教授知识之间，哪个更重要。

Whether the duty of a teacher is to help students gain self-confidence or teach specific knowledge seems to raise a lot of disagreements(其实你后面的一直都是写得不错的,但是开头模版的味道却太重了,这样会影响你的分数哟.其实后面的内容是可以用模版的,你没得不明显,或者没有用.前面的内容最好不用模版,但是你却用得比较明显.具体的开头段的写法我已经在上一篇的修改中说明,如果你信得过我,可以尝试一下.或者来一个场景的描写. ). Someone(One) may hold the view that holding(possessing,这里不要用hold,和前面的重复了) a bundle of knowledge is more important than being confidence(confident). However, from my perspective, I would prefer to choose the former one, since solid(tangible也是一个不错的选择,看你的喜好了,似乎tangible语气来的更好) evidence as follows can demonstrate my view.
   

     The principle(cardinal purpose,基本目的,这个概念在这里似乎更好) of education is, indubitably(无庸置疑的), to teach students how to become a useful person, who should have the essential(indispensable不可或缺的) characteristic-(多用”-”号)confidence. Turning around the book of history, we can see the fact that self-confidence lays in the heart of any(every) successful person. Learning from(In the light of, 还是再次建议你把我的那个词汇替换背了,工作量很小的) the motto of 'the soldier who doesn't(does not还是需要再提醒一次:不要用缩写) want to be the captain will not(is not) be a good soldier', we have seen the deep determination and confidence which might be the impetus for the emperor to overcome all the obstacles(用overcome最好接difficulties,但是介于obstacle是一个很好的词,而且老外常常用,所以这里可以用wipe out代替overcome). Even though put into the prison or threatened, the(似乎应该不用the) Mandela, the former president of South Africa, devote(时态!) his whole(entire) life into the antislavery(这个我不清楚,但是antislavery可以反奴隶制哟) movement, because he held such a confidence that black people should and will have the opportunities to get equal treatment as the white ones. (你用这个来论证老师应该帮学生建立信心似乎不合适哟,整段的论述都比较的乱,而且论证不充分.)

   

(这个时候想想孔子吧,你就在文章里边写:教育的宗师,伟大的思想家孔子说,教育的本身不是单一的给学生知识,更是教学生要自信: Confucius, the widely acclaimed preeminent ancient educator and thinker, had demonstrated his theory about the quintessence of education which I believe in unshakably-real education is higher-not simply equipping the students with knowledge but teaching them how to be confident in their own capabilities for the simple reason that no confidence no success. 正面东西只要想不出例子,就往孔子身上加)
   

Furthermore, a good teacher should direct the students to a bright future by nourish them with teaching self-confidence rather than putting in the knowledge simply(写得不错,如果要表达出更丰富的感情的话,不妨用merely代替simply). For instance(To give a demonstration), the mother of Forrest Gump is(was) such a good teacher that her son has(had) got great success even though anyone around the world prejudiced him. Since little Forrest was young, his mother has told him that no matter what others think of you, you must always(invariably) have confidence on your own. Holding such a belief which mother told, Forrest live(lived) a happy life under such a world.(阿甘的例子似乎不太有说服力,而且给人的感觉是你重复前面的东西,而且你又忘记了和teacher扯上联系.)

(你可以这样说:知识是可以自己学的,不用老师也可以学好,但是自信在很大的程度上是自己培养不了的,所以老师有责任帮学生树立信心.当你写不出东西的时候,你就想想A观点成立需要的条件和B观点成立需要的条件.当你找到成立条件的不同是,不同的点往往就是可以用在写作中的点.Every normal human, actually, is born with the fundamental capacity of self-study which indicates that teachers are not so indispensable in the processes of acquiring knowledge. However, in terms of confidence, it is the other way around. Confidence, to a certain extent, is not gifted but developed in the postnatal<出生后的> days, hence the paramount importance of teachers’ help in one’s confidence cultivation.然后你就可以论述了)
   

   Though school life may build a foundation of our knowledge structure, a good character can accompany us forever. Just one(a simple) question,( how much you can recall what you have learned during elementary school, middle school or even college?  I think most people will involve into a deep recall(recapture) or even doubt whether they have learned. As a famous educationist says, the most important function of college is to build up a confident person, and if we still (tenaciously固执地,希望你用副词来表达自己的情感,这样文章才是活的) put high emphasize on the study of limited study(academic accomplishments, 怎么可以在一个句子中出现3次study呢?), it is not our primary goal to produce just a studying machine.
   

   All mentioned above come to the very point that self-confidence is a such important thing. (结尾可以再丰满一点,不过时间不够的话就算了)

(希望你再看看我在上一次批改中给你的那些要点,还有就是我总结的那个词汇希望你背了-你会发现很多常用的低级词汇都可以在那里边找到高级的替换.你会发现我改动了很多你用的单词,你的用词现在有三个主要的毛病:一是重复太多,不符合ETS的词汇多样性的要求;二是你几乎不用副词,这是一个很大的毛病,因为你如果不用副词的,很多地方的表达就会不那么的生动,建议你在用形容词和动词时想想可以不可以用一个形容词来是你的表达更生动.比如”不动”的英文是immobile,那么一动不动呢?就是perfectly immobile. 或者”小”这个概念是small, 如果你写pathetically small就是小的可怜,同时也有了主观的感情色彩;三是插入语的使用,比如to a certain extent, to some degree, of course, I believe这类的插入语要多用,这样可以舒缓表达的语气,同时使句子看起来更舒服,我给你写的两段英文中就运用了这类的插入语.

同时,我给你改动的单词都不是乱改的,那些改动都是有目的,如whole改为entire,其实意思几乎都是一样,但是entire更强调整体,更适合于你的语境.

最后还是要强调把我的那个替换词汇拿来用,快速提升词汇水平)
    

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-7-19 13:30:00编辑过]

德克的猪

Nowadays (nowadays已经是很过时的用法了,建议使用Currently或者at present), many (这些小的地方也是可以注意改动的many可以换成a multitude of) university students have been granted the right to(这里使用错误,应该是the right is granted to students, 这是很正式的用法) choose at least part of their classes(这里用courses表达课程,应该会更准确); this is a beneficial transformation for both the professor (professors) and the students. On professors’ the part, this new system urge them to improve their quality of teaching or they will (be) out of business in that (for the simple reason that) no students will choose the class he\she(s/he) taught(gives). On students’ part(to those students, 尽量避免重复), they can choose classes(course) according to their interests, personal learning ability (capability更好,因为所有人都用ability), and career plan (plans). Nevertheless, this system also poses (这里可以用trigger a problem, 这是引发的比较地道的说法,是可以显示出写作水平的词汇) another worrying(perturbing更好) problem that students might only choose pushover  (楼主在这里用了俚语,用俚语需要慎重, effortless应该更好) classes and dodge(这里用shun更好,因为shun可以更准确的表现出有意的躲闪,而dodge的意思和楼主要表达的意思实际上不一致的) the high-demanding ones. Should grade rather than knowledge they will gain at the end of the semester be the top concern(take the priority) when students decide which classes(courses) to take? I as far as I am concerned, the answer to the above question(questions) is “no, it shouldn’t”. (it指代的什么??)

Admittedly(这是用烂的词,这里可以用indubitably无庸置疑替代), grades are of vital importance(vital和importance概念有重复,这里可以用indispensable替代) to every student, given the daunting(这里用的并不太好,可以用formidable替换,也可以用fierce,激烈) competitions faced by today’s college students(这句话很不通顺,建议后面的条件提前). With the ever(用invariably)-increasing tuitions, the(不用the) top grades can(最好避免用can,这里可以替换为might)
            ,to a certain extent, secure(guarantee)
            an individual’s chance to get(receive) a scholarship, which will greatly relive(lighten和burden对应) student’s financial burden and allow he\she(s/he) to devote more time to pursue academic excellence instead of taking part-time jobs. Moreover, if a student is intended to apply to a graduate school after getting his\her bachelor’s degree, a record of good grades is invariable a must to get admitted by a prestigious grads school. The usefulness of a record of presentable grades will not be any less when the newly graduate try to land a well-paid job with a multinational corporation. All the above cases, with no exception, demonstrate the necessity to keep top grades, which seem to justify the facts that the bulk of the students stay away from the classes, in which to get the top grades looks missions impossible. (这部分真是写得让我无法下笔修改,所有我进行的重写: To such concerns, another one must be added. Academic report invariably plays a cardinal role in job seeking. Let us suppose that, a young man who has just graduated from university with a pathetically low grade attempts to be employed by a big company. Unfortunately, he has to face those who are excellent in their study and have received amazingly highly comments on their academic accomplishments from professors. Undoubtedly, he will inevitably experience the frustration resulted from the failure of job seeking. One with a low grade is really fragile in the fierce, or to be more accurate, brutal competition in modern society.)

While the incentives to keep a good GPA are understandable and acceptable, top grade is definitely not the sole(unique) goal, which we strive(终于看到一个出色的用词了) to achieve in our university years(in the duration of our university time). The knowledge and skills we acquired through the classes, especially those challenging ones, will benefit us in the long run. A challenging class is an adversity; however, we should not fail to realize that we are likely to reap more from a class which is no pushover (Such courses are, to some degree, difficult to cope with. As a matter of fact, it is adverse circumstance that stimulates us to improve our capacity and develop those astonishing potential), (Just) as Henry Ford put it, “in every adversity, there is a chance to grow”.

For example(要想得高分,就最好不要用for example或者for instance), the statistics has always been ranked number one on the charts of
        “must avoided optional classes”(the must-avoid optional classes外国人一般这样用) in my department, which is prepared students to become tomorrow journalists(这句话比较难理解,但是has always been后面一般接进行时). Though mathematics had never been easy for me, I chose statistics in my sophomore year anyway for I knew that statistics could be an indispensable tool in analyzing raw data. I was forced to cut back my other social activities and attended after-class study group during that semester since I had a hard(tough) time to figure out what was taught in my statistics class. Despite all my hard working(In spite of all the endeavor I have made), I only got a B in the end. However, in retrospect, my decision to take statistics was nothing but right for the statistics had proved to be very useful in my daily work as a journalist. (勉勉强强的一段,语法错误较少.但是nothing but在这里用似乎语气不对.) 

In sum, while there are legitimate reasons for those who take a less demanding class to ensure a good grade, we shouldn’t have such a myopic focus since challenging class are proved to be more useful in the long run(不要重复,in the coming days) and we need something challenging to make our university years more interesting and unforgettable. (结尾也比较一般)

这是一篇有很多问题的文章.

1.       论述不清楚.作者想说有些困难的学科也要学,但是却用了大量的篇幅写了些表意不清晰的话.

2.       作者的语法基础不好,有很多不应该出现的错误.

3.       用词的重复很严重.

4.       作者尝试用高级的句型,但是往往出错.

5.       作者连模版都没有学习应用好.

6.       作者多次出现用词不准确,很显然,文章中的词汇是查的低级的字典,而非出自作者的大脑
            

7.       拖沓,语言缺乏力度.

改进的办法
            

1.       如果作者在近期要考TOEFL的话,那应该赶快去背TWE185.作者的作文水平在3分上下.

2.       如果作者还有比较多的时间来准备考试,那应该准备新概念3和4.新概念的文章很好,作者最好可以背下来.

3.       作者的语法错误比较大,最好自学一下语法.

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-7-19 13:31:00编辑过]

德克的猪

Indubitably, working makes an indispensable part of our lives, and even becomes the major part of some people’s lives.  Accordingly, choosing what kind of company to work for, say, a large one or a small one, affects us a great deal. Some people deem a small one as the premier choice, while others prefer to work for a large one,(逗号这里不要) which is also my preference. I am in favor of the large company’s working atmosphere, the(the不要) stability, and the(the不要) opportunity(复数) to improve myself.

                    

For one thing, small companies might be affected too much by only a small number of core figures who have a potent influencial power(这里最好把一些核心人物的强势表现出来，这样才可以使论证充分，比如：people in small companies are more likely to overrate those core figures’ capability and just go behind them without pondering. Consequently, they will, more or less, neglect some workers’ constructive ideas or proposals ). Therefore, Under such circumstances, there would be little chance for me to give full play of my capability. The same goes for other coworkers. After three or four months, the incentives of employees more than possible will vague. Quite the reverse, a large company can provide me with a more pleasant and competitive atmosphere, in which I can enjoy both the teamspirits and the right to promote my ideas.(这个句子之前最好添加一下原因：However, in large companies which run miscellaneous kinds of operations, few people can exert their influences in many ways. Therefore, every one can find his/her own position and have the right to have his/her opinion voiced. And fortunately, constructive opinions will not be ignored.) Take the google company as an example, I believe most people cannot imagine such a premium working envioronment in their wildest dreams. (这个例子貌似太宽泛了，你甚至没有说出google的兼容并包，例子就结束了。)

For another(和前面的for one thing对应), a large company have relatively less chance to shut down comparing to those small ones（这个句子太纠结了。改为：Compared with small companies, big ones are probably more stable<照应你的开头段> and have fewer chances to undergo bankrupts.）. As a result(记住，as a result不能乱用), the stability is another merit which the large companies draw my fantasy(这个句子貌似优点多余).  Large companies such as google, microsoft（这些名词的开头字母需要大写）, and so forth  struggle(这个词不好，大公司不struggle，你可以说strive) not only for thousands of millions of dollars but also for the fame of the company(这句的论证貌似该段没有关系，或者，论证得无力). In contrast, small companies have to worry about their thin profits which sometimes could hardly make ends meet. In this fast changing business world, stability is of(将of改成a) great significance element for us to take into account when hunting for jobs.

Last but not least, large companies will occasionally（为了表示大公司的好，这里应该用frequently） sent their workers to renewal their knowledge inventory in that they expect their employees being equiped with  knowledge in accordence with tomorrow’s development as well as that of today(你一些长句，给人的感觉就是比价殴打纠结，这里可以改为：To such two reasons, another must be added. Large companies frequently send their staff back to universities/colleges to renewal their knowledge and expertise in the hope of keeping the staff’s quality in a high level so that they can remain leading positions in their fields. ). In other words, big companies pose more attention on expasion. For instance, my father used to be in a small company, albeit he did quite well  in his business and praised by his boss a geat deal, his company unfortunately go broke later on mostly
                    resulting from a lack of applying for new technology(directly triggered by a lack of new technologies). Now he works for a company enjoys somewhat reputation in China, his corporation invariably sent them to job training every one year or two. My father feel that he grown a lot from this job.it seems as he is paid for learning. (你这段有好多拼写错误。其实，2个论点，论证充分就可以了。不一定非要3个的。)
                    

It can be concluded that working in a large company can benefit me much more than working in a small one. Why some people are in favor of working in small companies is always beyond me.

[此贴子已经被作者于2007-7-19 13:32:46编辑过]

德克的猪

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