ChaseDream

标题: Please help me review this essay and give my comment... [打印本页]

作者: tina_aya 时间: 2005-9-21 19:45
标题: Please help me review this essay and give my comment...

Can someone help me review this essay? Is this good or not. ls everybody advise comment to me. Thks everyone help....^^

In no more than five sentences, please describe the professional environment in which you envision yourself one year after obtaining your MBA. Please be as specific as possible, including job title/description, industry and if possible, firm.

Internationalization is a current trend. After one year MBA course, it will increase my business knowledge of ability and more depth international concept. Compared with the same age business people, my English communication skill is better and has better competition capability. When I come back to our company, I believe upon my ability that after had trained by your MBA course I will push our company to an international stage and being a more important role in company and earn more money.

作者: eeyupyup 时间: 2005-9-21 20:57

1. How can one year MBA program help you improve your ability? You might say XXX's school's internation focuse will help me....

2. business people at the same age, not "the same age business people." and why will you say that here, it is redundant. Just say "compared with other business people"

3. It feels like the communication skill is the most important thing you get from a b-school. If so, why dont you just go to a language school with some business focus?

4. you never say "earn more money". NEVER!!! say make it more profitable, or whatever!

my 2 cents.

作者: shouyang12 时间: 2005-9-21 21:05

先审清楚题目吧

你好想答非所问

作者: shouyang12 时间: 2005-9-21 21:13

用五句话,简单描述MBA毕业后你的工作

包括工作头衔/描述,行业,可能的话具体公司

作者: cicilla 时间: 2005-9-22 00:21

感觉语言比较中国化了点，不好意思这么说。不过真的要好好改改，officer们每天看那么多地essay，如果感觉语言读起来别扭（虽然不要那么得native，我们也做不到）肯定就是不行的。

[此贴子已经被作者于2005-9-22 0:42:30编辑过]

作者: jzchina 时间: 2005-9-22 01:52

我感觉你写的英语用词不太地道，句子不太简练，总之不是地道的英语。需要变动的太多了。如果让老外看的话可能会觉得英语水平不过关。

作者: wingback 时间: 2005-9-22 10:17
好像文不对题吧？确实比较Chinglish了一点，不是中国人还真的很难看懂啊。

作者: udream 时间: 2005-9-23 12:30

please rewrite it. 其实是问你的毕业后的近期打算是做什么的.一个例子是:

After graduation, I would like to work for an international trading company to perform strategic annalysis and business development by leveraging my exceptional .... experience gained prior to school and my ............that I have learnt from my two-year MBA study.

作者: Swinerton 时间: 2005-9-23 12:48

以下是引用tina_aya在2005-9-21 19:45:00的发言：

Can someone help me review this essay? Is this good or not. ls everybody advise comment to me. Thks everyone help....^^

no offense. you need to improve your writing a lot. too many grammar mistakes.

and, you actually did not tell adcome what you exactly want to do.

作者: v22 时间: 2005-9-23 12:55

the wording in the passage need to be omproved first...

moreover , i find some grammer mistake:my English communication skill is better and has better competition capability. ............... I believe upon my ability that after had trained by your MBA course I will push our company to an international stage and being a more important role in company and earn more money.

Feel very uncomfortable~~~~

作者: cheeyong 时间: 2005-9-23 13:09

以下是引用tina_aya在2005-9-21 19:45:00的发言：

Can someone help me review this essay? Is this good or not. ls everybody advise comment to me. Thks everyone help....^^

Frankly speaking, there is a lot of room for the improvement of you writing.

作者: DengShuji 时间: 2005-9-23 13:26

以下是引用tina_aya在2005-9-21 19:45:00的发言：

Can someone help me review this essay? Is this good or not. ls everybody advise comment to me. Thks everyone help....^^

I felt much better for my essays after reading yours..Thanks

作者: cicilla 时间: 2005-9-23 14:10

I felt much better for my essays after reading yours..Thanks

Faint,how can you build your confidence on others, hehe. I read some from other friends. Some are perfect!-

作者: wingback 时间: 2005-9-23 21:21

以下是引用DengShuji在2005-9-23 13:26:00的发言：

I felt much better for my essays after reading yours..Thanks

这个……也显得太不厚道了吧？Helping others great is helping yourself great.

[此贴子已经被作者于2005-9-24 11:10:43编辑过]

作者: cicilla 时间: 2005-9-23 22:21

Helping other great is helping yourself great

GG is so great! I did not realize before....You Yan Bu Shi Tai Mountain.

[此贴子已经被作者于2005-9-23 22:21:20编辑过]

作者: jkmbe 时间: 2005-9-24 03:16

i am curious about LZ's gmat score

作者: eeyupyup 时间: 2005-9-24 03:57

以下是引用DengShuji在2005-9-23 13:26:00的发言：

I felt much better for my essays after reading yours..Thanks

I think you crossed the line here. I really dont feel what you said is funny or maybe it is not a joke at all. The purpose of this forum is to proivide a friendly environment to share insights and help out each other. That said, criticism is welcomed and it is what LZ is looking for. Your negativity is NOT.

作者: eeyupyup 时间: 2005-9-24 03:59

以下是引用wingback在2005-9-23 21:21:00的发言：

这个……也显得太不厚道了吧？Helping other great is helping yourself great.

Cant agree more!!!!!!

作者: ring_cheng 时间: 2005-9-24 09:33

to be frank，读完确实有些文不对眼的感觉。

就像其它朋友所说，文章其实问的是你在读完MBA后的职业发展情况，会在什么公司，将从事什么工作，而这些是跟你的职业目标相联系的：读MBA之前有什么发展目标，通过MBA解决了什么GAP，目标的达成就体现在职业的进步发展之中。这些都是你写的时候需要考虑的。还要注意跟其它ESSAY保持一致性。

支持eeyupyup，这里是一个大家共同讨论共同进步的论坛，良好的秩序需要每个人来维护。请注意自己的言行！

作者: tina_aya 时间: 2005-9-26 03:07

谢谢各位的意见,下面是我重改的内容,我知道我的写作不好,需要各位的帮忙,谢谢

After having graduated, I will come back to Giftex Corporation Ltd. to continue its development. Using the knowledge and skill to achieve my company the greatest efficiency with the smallest amount of resources and labor and expand out operations into the world. After having plentiful textile expression, I wish to join a renowned haberdashery brand name company. With my specialization in garments and marketing skill, I believe that I will be able to understand more about the company's image, helping the company to create a marketing strategy in line with its brand name and to make tailor-made and suitable clothing.

作者: shouyang12 时间: 2005-9-26 03:30

是要你描述职业环境,不是问你要做些什么

只要说明企业和行业状况

你将担任的职务就可以了

[此贴子已经被作者于2005-9-26 3:31:16编辑过]

作者: jkmbe 时间: 2005-9-26 11:33
看不明白你到底是要回原来公司呢, 还是要去个新的公司.

[此贴子已经被作者于2005-9-26 11:36:09编辑过]

作者: Swinerton 时间: 2005-9-27 01:06

After having graduated, I will come back to Giftex Corporation Ltd. to continue its development.
~~~~~~~~~~ 你还没进呢，就完成时态了？ ~~~~~what development?

Using the knowledge and skill to achieve my company the greatest efficiency with the smallest
amount of resources and labor and expand out operations into the world.

~~~ 后面有动词，and前面地动词跑哪里去了？

~~~~achieve my company the greatest efficiency with the smallest
amount of resources------ one word can explain everything OPTIMIZE!!!

After having plentiful
textile expression, I wish to join a renowned haberdashery brand name company.
~~~~~~~~~ what the hell does this mean? ~~~~~~~~~ Wish更多是虚拟的意思

With my specialization in garments and marketing skill,
~~~~~~~~~~~ you specialize in marketing or marketing skill?

I believe that I will be able to understand more about the company's image,
helping the company to create a marketing strategy in
line with its brand name and to make tailor-made and suitable clothing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~好好读读语法书里的平行结构！！！

some comments:

1. Have you passed TOEFL and GMAT?

2. You have a long way to go to make up a readable article with just minor grammar mistakes.

3. I strongly suggest you to put off your MBA plan. Professors won't give a damn to your

paper if I assume that you can be accepted.

4. Spend at least one year to go over high school English grammar, such as 动名词，动词不定式，

各种从句，平行结构，虚拟语气等等。

It is too early to give any comments on whether you can convince adcom that you are the best candidate for MBA.

The first step is to make solid steps on improving your English.

No offense, but 脚踏实地 is the word I want to give you.

作者: sensornet 时间: 2005-9-27 03:52
楼主妹妹，楼上swinerton评价很中肯。语言不行就算是被录取了也是害了你自己，我见过这样的例子。我不是在讽刺，只是真地想问问，你考过GMAT了？你的问题不只是在英语水平，还有思维方式。多去想想adcom为什么这么问，为什么是5句话，考虑一下5句话的顺序以及准备在每句话里面说的内容，要承上启下！不要人家问你吃过饭没有，你就说吃了。你要说，刚吃过，明天节食，大后天出差，反正这礼拜没时间和你约会。

作者: cheeyong 时间: 2005-9-27 12:24

I strongly agree with 楼上二位. There is still a long way to go if you plan to pursue your MBA studies. You need to improve you writing ability. As is known, essay is only the first step, and there will be a lot of case write-ups and presentations during your MBA studies. If you do not have excellent communication skills, you will not survive .

I have read your essay. Still a lot of mistakes and Chinglish structures. 也许我说的不太客气，但这是事实。

欢迎光临 ChaseDream (https://forum.chasedream.com/)