ChaseDream

标题: 免费作文修改 ［你的坚持，我的善意］ [打印本页]

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-4-21 22:44
标题: 免费作文修改 ［你的坚持，我的善意］
福利来到～

作为曾经的留学论坛的受惠者，我也深切地知道求学过程中的辛苦。
教书四年多，是时候回报了。
最近空了些，所以在这里开一个贴，免费给大家改一改托福作文吧。

托福，作为一种语言测试，说到底也是 词汇＋语法。
所以除了修改作文外，我还给大家提供一些高质量的语言素材。
如果大家学习得不错，我也给大家布置一些作业。帮助大家循循渐进地提升。

但是老师时间也有限。这里的修改作文都是在正常工作之外劳动。
所以也请同学们也珍惜机会。

我每天挑选1篇作文。
重点修改，1. 文段展开；2. 词汇乱用；3. 中式流水句。4.语法错误。

ps：我之前上传了一个我总结的地道写作语料素材。管理员能出来说一下，为啥给我删了么？
pps: 管理员一直没有回复我。大家可以加公众微信号：evaessay 收听最新素材。

ppps: 最近改了几个同学的作文。发现在论坛上的同学，成绩都还可以。大多卡在20～22分。没有太大语法错误，就是词汇，句型太过简单。不知解题，论证为何物。所以拿着稍微难一点地题目，就容易跑题。这对以后要考sat,gre的影响很大了！
这个时候你们再继续练一下，也只是重复自己已有的内容。提升不大。
所以我决定开一个“托福写作团”，每天分享一点写作素材，再布置适应的题目，大家有针对地学习＋练习。
有感兴趣的同学，请在我的公众微信号：evaessay 上回复我。

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-4-21 22:45
给大家看一个样本：提升语言质量＝＝》使用地道的语料，精准的词汇。

first of all, the government can help people to solve the environment problem. the reason why some  rivers are clean is that the government cleaners to clean on a daily basis. for example, there was a lot of rubbish floated on the surface of the Pearl River. then the government sent some peopole to check it. not only did they use their cameras to take some photos about the pollution river, but also use their bottles to bring a little dirty water to their labors to check. after a few day, the professional cleaners began to drive their little boats to make some rubbish get out of the river. and they also put a mount of chemistry stuff into the river. needless to say, the Pearl River was gradullay cleaner finally. so they government can help peopl to solve the environment problem.

这是一个中学生写的作文。思路很狭窄，所以内容很简单，词汇也很重复。所以这样分数也只有15分。只能加入素材！加入：conserve environment, curb pollution, monitor water-quality; shut down; petrochemical plants; dump waste water into river.

first of all, the government can help people to solve the environment problem. the reason why some  rivers are clean is that the government cleaners to clean on a daily basis－－ 改成invest heavily to conserve its once polluted environment/curb pollution. for example, there was a lot of rubbish floated on the surface of the Pearl River，the second longest river in China[加入同位语]. then the government sent some peopole to check－monitor it. not only did they use their cameras to take some photos about the pollution river, but also use their bottles to bring a little dirty water to their labors to check-->but also establish relevant agency to administrate the river/water-quality monitoring bureaus with a total of 31 billion yuan. after a few day, the professional cleaners began to drive their little boats to make some rubbish get out of the river. and they also put a mount of chemistry stuff into the river--furthermore, the government also shut down approximately 20 petrochemical plants along the river, which previously can leach or simply dump whatever polluted wastewater into the river. needless to say, the Pearl River was gradullay cleaner finally. so they government can help peopl to solve the environment problem.


这样语言质量就好很多。

所以即便是你们的作文没有选上，也可以从其他人的作文中学习到很多。

我也总结了我的语料素材库，需要的请联系我。

加油！［你的坚持，我的善意］

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作者: songyu0905    时间: 2015-4-22 22:12
顶楼主！               

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作者: sudao2006    时间: 2015-4-23 10:39
感谢楼主。 赞一个。

一下是我的TPO 33 独立写作练习。 套用了很多模板。 目标27，但我知道现在离目标还远， 所以请多多指教。。。
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Question:
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

When teachers assign projects on which students must work together, the students learn much more effectively than wehn they are asked to work alone on porjects.

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
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Whether students would learn much more effectively on a project which must be worked together than a project that they are asked to work alone has become a hot debate recently among university students. When it comes to this issue, people's opinions differ from person to person, culture to culture. Those who think people work more effectively when they are working together claim that working with other people makes them more likely to come up with a creative solution as various people have various ideas. Others, on the other hand, argue that working alone can boost efficiency since there is no disturbance from other persons. On a personal level, I believe that working together with classmates and colleges can make us more productive.

There is not shortage of reasons why collabrating with others can be more productive. Head and shoulders above all others is that discussion between a group will make them better understand the problem and various ideas from different people are more likely to generate a creative solution. First of all, people might not fully aware of all problems in a project, and each person might only concentrate on one or two aspects of it. After discussing the project with other group members, people can analysing problems in more different angles. To name but one example, when my sister Jenny got a project about environmental protection last year, she only concentrate on the air and water pollusion at first. But after she dicussed with her classmates, she began to realise that there are other types of pollusions, such as white noise and light, which can also be extremely harmful to people health. In addition, when analysing solutions provided by different people, it is more likely that some of the solutions might be very creative.

Another popular reasons frequently cited by people who support working together is the fact that people are more likely to spend time on the project as everyone else in the group is doing so. When working alone, students might distracted by something else, whereas when working with other group members, people will gether together and engage in the group discussion. According to a recent survey conducted by Prof. Green's research group from University of Sydney, the percentage of students who finish their projects before deadline when working in a group is 30% higher than when they work alone.

Judging from all evidence offered above, we can safely come to the conclusion that working together in a group is more efficient than working alone. Only in this way can we ensure that we understand the problem fully, our idea is novel and our efficiency is higher. In future, I hope more and more teachers will assign projects that need to be done by a group of students.

(450 words)
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以下是TPO32 综合写作部分。

This reading passage illustrates three reasons why sailors in Russian submarines patrolling the North Alantic and Arctic Ocean would occasionally hear strange sounds, which they call 'quackers' and seemed to be moving very fast and undetectable by submarines' sonar, between 1960s and 1980s. The professor's lecture deals with the same problem. However, she says there are certain problems with the three possible reasons cited in the reading passage.

To begin with, even though the reading passage suggests that the strange noise might come from male and female ocra whales' call during a courtship ritual, the professor clams that it is highly unlikely to be ocra whales. This is because although ocra whales are known to inhabit the areas where submarines were picking up noises, they are living on the surface of the ocean, whereas submarines are normally deep in water. In addition, they can be detected by submarines' sonar.

Furthermore, despite the statement in the reading passage that the noise could be caused by giant squids, which are gaint marine invertebrates that live deep in the ocean and prey on large fish, the professor contends that it is also not likely to be them. She support her point with the fact that reports for these strange noises started around 1960s and stopped around 1980s, while griant squids have been living in the ocean until now. If those noises were from griant squids, they wouldn't stop being reported after 1980s.

As a final point, the author of the reading passage claims that the third possible objects of noises might be other submarines that are not detectable by Russian submarines, while the professor asserts that it is again not likely to be submarines. She proves the argument of reading passage is indefensible by point out that submarines during that time can not travel change their direction so fast. Moreover, submarines generates noise from their engines, which can be detected by sonar system of Russian submarines.

(320+ words)

Thanks a lot

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-4-24 00:02

please, please!不要再用模板句了。ok?
有那个时间，还不如静下心来根据托福的话题，多背一些地道的词汇和素材。

整体文段，词汇重复，句子结构简单，甚至还出现了跑题！！！

加油吧！

先补充一些词汇：

关于合作的词汇：cooperation; collaborate；band together; collective; achieve a shared goal；collective. adj.
关于不利于合作的形容人的词汇：  self-serving or egocentric or self-satisfied.
投入：devote all of themselves/keep their mind on/be absorbed in

Whether students would learn much more effectively on a project which must be worked together than a project that they are asked to work alone has become a hot debate recently among university students.［真的，如果想要得高分，真的不要照抄原题目，使用这种模板句了。第一句的作用只是来引入题目：］ When it comes to this issue, people's opinions differ from person to person, culture to culture. Those who think people work more effectively when they are working together claim that working with other people makes them more likely to come up with a creative solution as various people have various ideas. Others, on the other hand, argue that working alone can boost efficiency since there is no disturbance from other persons. On a personal level, I believe that working together with classmates and colleges can make us more productive.


今天重点来说一下开头段吧：背景＋争论＋自己的观点。
“背景”的目的只是用来引入“争论”；“争论”是用来引入“自己观点”。
所以“背景”可以写－－－合作是被普遍认为一项很高效率的事情。＝＝＝》“争论”，所以很多教育家和父母都在争论，是否也应该让学生也尽量多地跟其他同学合作来完成老师布置的任务。＝＝》“自己的观点”。。。。

改成：everyone must have at least once expercisied  working on  teams in which everyone energetically collaborates with one another, and the results are spectacular. therefore some educators and parents are arguing whether should intorduce cooperation to children's assignment as much as possible. as for me, i side with the former/the latter for higher efficiency.


There is not shortage of reasons why collabrating with others can be more productive. Head and shoulders above all others is that discussion between a group will make them better understand the problem［？？？］ and various ideas from different people are more likely to generate a creative solution. First of all, people might not fully aware of all problems in a project, and[and表示的逻辑关系太弱了] each person might only concentrate on one or two aspects of it. After discussing the project with other group members, people can analysing problems in more different angles.[ 逻辑关系太弱了。 limited by one's own background/knowledge/perspective, students may have to waste a long time before analysing problem from the whole picture. students are too restricted by their own knowledge/experience to analyse problem from the whole picture, which collective activities can easily avoid. To name but one example, when my sister Jenny got a project about environmental protection last year, she only concentrate on [重复：focus on] the air and water pollusion at first. But after she dicussed with her classmates, she began to realise that there are other types of pollusions, such as white noise and light, which can also be extremely harmful to people health. In addition, when analysing solutions provided by different people, it is more likely that some of the solutions might be very creative.

这段解释和例子明显跑题啊！应该是productive & efficient, 怎么最后变成了creative?

Another popular reasons frequently cited by people who support working together is the fact that [真是不要用模板了] people are more likely to devote all of themselves/keep their mind on/be absorbed in= spend time on the project as everyone else in the group is doing so . When working alone, students might distracted by something else［这个要写一点具体内容，体现你的词汇量：alluring video games/twitter； ］, whereas when working with other group members, people will gether together and engage in the group discussion. ［太罗嗦了，没有给出新的内容啊。a student whose mind easily get absent would become embarrased if others have to wait for him.］According to a recent survey conducted by Prof. Green's research group from University of Sydney, the percentage of students who finish their projects before deadline when working in a group is 30% higher than when they work alone.



Judging from all evidence offered above, we can safely come to the conclusion that working together in a group is more efficient than working alone. Only in this way can we ensure that we understand the problem fully, our idea is novel and our efficiency is higher. In future, I hope more and more teachers will assign projects that need to be done by a group of students.

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-4-24 00:03
再贴一个《哈佛商业评论》里面关于 合作的文章。学习一下跟合作相关的词汇和内容。

I have worked on many teams in which we dutifully did our jobs, and the group fulfilled its objectives. And then I have worked on other teams in which everyone energetically collaborated with one another, and the results were spectacular. Not only did we surpass our goals, we also thoroughly enjoyed and benefited from that process as individuals.

In other words, there’s a world of difference between merely working together and truly collaborating with one another. Collaborative activity is the “secret sauce” that enables teams to come up with innovative new products or creative, buzz-worthy marketing campaigns. But people can also collaborate creatively around a seemingly mundane project — like the installation of a new accounting package — and use that initiative to transform the way in which an organization does business.

Achieving true collaboration — in which the whole is definitely more than the mere sum of the individual parts — is difficult in any environment. People have to set aside their egos, trust one another, and share their expertise willingly. In a virtual workplace, collaboration can be all the more difficult to attain, especially when team members work for different companies, are essentially strangers to one another, and have different cultural and professional backgrounds. We have interviewed a number of researchers on this topic and have also studied dozens of virtual teams, some that possessed that magic of collaboration and numerous others that didn’t. Here are some of the lessons we’ve learned.

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作者: sudao2006    时间: 2015-4-24 09:23
感谢lz的修改和建议， 我照这个思路再多练几篇

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作者: GMAT猎手    时间: 2015-4-25 20:14
两次托福写作都是22遇到瓶颈了，请楼主指点一二，感激！

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Society benefit more from works of great artists than from political leaders.


To determine what kind of occupation benefits the society most, people need to take many aspects of these occupations into consideration. As for artists and political leaders, I prefer political leaders to be the more beneficial occupation. Although there are many advantages for artists to devote themselves into the social development, I insist that theses advantages will not be comparable to the merits of the political leaders.
To begin with, it is the political leaders who can guarantee the development of the society. When it comes to the development of a country, the most important thing is the policy of the country. A policy of a society contributes to the social, economic, and cultural development of that society. Undoubtedly, political leaders do influence a large quantity of people by issuing a policy, which could benefit the society as a whole. Moreover, where there are conflicts, there are political leaders. There is a tendency that the globalization enforces all the counties in the world to stand side by side, and under that circumstance, political leaders are busy handling the relationships with each other. In other worlds, political leaders can ensure the safety of the world, leading the continuous growth of the world.
There is another fact we can not ignore: political leaders build the fundamental elements for artist to finish a masterpiece. As we all know that artists need finance support from government, and political leaders can support them in some degree. There are more and more special and valuable buildings designed by artists, we can not imagine that without the support of government, what will be the destiny of these buildings. There are also many art schools supported by government; therefore, more and more students can get better education in these schools, which help these students to be a real artists in the future. And political leaders take the responsibility of the development of art in a society.
To sum up, compared with artists, political leaders contribute to the society development more. It is the truth that political leaders are indispensable in a society and that they can also support artists’ work in some ways. Hence, I hold the opinion that society benefits more from political leaders.

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-4-25 23:01

To determine what－which kind of occupation benefits the society most, people need to take many aspects of these occupations［删去］ into consideration. As for artists and political leaders, I prefer political leaders to be the more beneficial occupation－－［罗嗦：i believe politcial leaders are obviously superior to artists. ］. Although there are many advantages for artists to devote themselves into the social development--there are also many advantages artists bring to society[注意一下这两句的区别], I insist that theses advantages will not be comparable to the merits－those of the political leaders.

从这一段来看，句法还是差一些。表达上还是有罗嗦。
再升级一个倒桩句型：adj./n.+ as/though+ s +v, s +v. o.
==> advantages as artists also birng to our society, i still believe that....

To begin with, it is the political leaders who can guarantee the development of the society. When it comes to the development［重复＝＝progress］ of a country, the most important thing is the policy of the country. A policy of a society[==知道代词是干嘛用的吗？it ] contributes to the social, economic, and cultural development of that society. Undoubtedly, political leaders do influence a large quantity of people by issuing a policy, which could benefit the society as a whole. Moreover, where there are conflicts, there are political leaders. There is a tendency that the globalization enforces all the counties in the world to stand side by side, and under that circumstance, political leaders are busy handling the relationships with each other. In other worlds, political leaders can ensure the safety of the world, leading the continuous growth of the world.

从这段来看，语言重复很多。主要是内容写得很空泛。没有体现出词汇的多样性。句型也很简单。


There is another fact we can not ignore: political leaders build the fundamental elements for artist to finish a masterpiece. As we all know that artists need finance support from government, and political leaders can support them in some degree. There are more and more special and valuable buildings designed by artists, we can not imagine that without the support of government, what will be the destiny of these buildings. There are also many art schools supported by government; therefore, more and more students can get better education in these schools, which help these students to be a real artists in the future. And political leaders take the responsibility of the development of art in a society.

there be 句型／more and more 重复。

To sum up, compared with artists, political leaders contribute to the society development more. It is the truth that political leaders are indispensable in a society and that they can also support artists’ work in some ways. Hence, I hold the opinion that society benefits more from political leaders.

整篇文章的逻辑内容没有大问题。
主要是内容太泛，导致词汇和句型都一直在重复，不具体。

要举例举例啊！！

补充政府的词汇
政府拨款：allocate. v. subsidize. v.
make/adopt/introduce / enact/implement  appropriate law
或者见我二楼的素材：政府治理污染。－－》这个素材也可以用在 政治领导者的好处。
establish relevant agency to administrate the river/water-quality
invest heavily to  curb pollution

这些跟 political leader;government 相关的具体内容，才是体现出自己词汇量的地方啊！才是高分的样子啊！

同学，我建议你第一步还是先背一些有实际用处的素材吧。

这个地方有我的素材汇总。
http://bbs.taisha.org/thread-17126240-1-1.html

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作者: xacgshw    时间: 2015-4-25 23:43
楼主及各位同道：昨天练习了第一篇独立写作，写作太慢，用来差不多50分钟才写出下面的材料来。具体的问题也请大虾们指点！
Topic: 1.        Students today are less interested in politics.
It is undoubtedly that politics has always been the core of human society not only for those directly engaged politicians, but also everyone in the society because it paves the foundation for all other social-economic sectors. This is especially true for sensitive and unstable period such as the World War, the Cold War as well as mass social movement periods. Knowing this, students in the past were passionate to take part in and discuss political issues, either these hot news happening on the other side of the world, or voting campaign in their student union. However, with the elapse of time, the general interests of students today are seemingly different. To some extent, a considerable proportion of them even clearly state their reluctance to be engaged in politics. Although complicated, it is still essential to find what underlie this trend.
First, generally peaceful international circumstance has already caused students to have neglected the importance of politics (subtheme). Based on studies carried out by a group of prominent historians and sociologists, 5 percent of recorded human history, a very surprisingly small proportion, is devoid of war. Therefore those well-known students’ activities such as May 4th movement in 1919 were actually occurring at times when the entire world was at unstable settings. In today’s world, although regional conflicts including the ceaseless war in the Middle East are reported every day, most of the earth is in a relatively peaceful environment. Countries such as China has even enjoyed stable political environment for rapid economic growth for over three decades. For students from these countries, politics inevitably gives way to other relevant issues in their lives such as class grades, personal love, or potential job hunting at most.
Furthermore, teachers, an important source to have students cultivate the interest in politics, are more reluctant to bring too much political issues into class discussion (subtheme). While in the past teachers’ performance was not so much judged by student’s performance in exams, teachers currently are facing dramatically greater pressure imposed by the authorities to get students’ scores elevated so that, on the one hand, schools will have increasingly better fame and consequently more parents will send their children to the specific school; on the other hand, teachers themselves will have better chance to get higher salaries. Hence, driven by this realistic goal, teachers would unavoidably try their best to focus on classes themselves without trying other educational strategies including seemingly irrelevant political issue discussions.
Last but not the least, the intense stress that students will be encountered with has spared them with little time to care about political topics irrelevant with their lives (subtheme). Nowadays, more educational certificates and higher educational background to help students be more competitive and outstanding with other job applicants have taken up most of students’ time, therefore in the meantime, have obstructed students to be engaged in politics. (Background) On this background, the majority of students would probably invest precious time into egalitarian fields such as language training, computer knowledge and skill. (Countermeasure) Therefore, considering the dilemma students are facing with about whether to broaden their political sense or enhance technical skills, it is understandable that they choose the latter. (Conclusion)
All in all, politics, although as important as is used to be, has gone beyond nowadays students’ top concerns for realistic considerations of all parties engaged.

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作者: xacgshw    时间: 2015-4-25 23:47
这是今天练的比较关系的一题。楼主辛苦！
2.        Teaching is harder to do today than it was in the past.
With modernization process including the rapid technological advancement, particularly in the last half century, our human history is now counted in a unit of decade, rather than longer periods such as centuries. As a result, more and more high-tech products come into being with some devices even become daily necessities such as smartphones, laptops, as well as popular chatting Apps. On the one hand, modernization leads to positive improvements in teaching including higher efficiency in connecting teachers, parents and students; on the other hand, however, it also brings about unexpected outcomes of harder teaching than it was in the past.
2)        Body one
First of all, it is the technology itself underlies this predicament of teaching because all parties, especially students, tend to focus on technology rather than education. Let me take the omnipresent on-line chatting app WeChat for example. Because of the universal metropolitan problems of traffic congestions and fast working pace of parents, the two parties, teachers and parents, are now getting increasing difficulties in communicating each other face to face. As an alternative, now teachers generally introduce this app to assign homework so that parents can get involved at the same time without the need to go to school and talk to teachers. Seemingly perfect, however, it leads to the severe question, that is, the core party in the teaching activity, students are now so obsessed to these apps that they are almost distracted from their study. What I mean is that you can’t expect mass adolescents to be effective time planners as successful adults. Hence unluckily, being obsessed by high-tech instruments, students can hardly focus on their studies.
3)        Body two
Apart from obsession to high-tech, the arousal of self-awareness of students at an earlier age also results in the current harder teaching situation. As we know, students in the past had far less access to the outside world consequently making teaching a much easier job. Since the emergence of multimedia era, students can now feel free to get to know the outside world as long as they are willing to obtain information. And unfortunately, although this situation has caught on people’s eyes, it is beyond our control. So in this interactive process with the outside world, students acquire far more information than their pioneers did in the past. The media itself cannot be a filter. So no matter good or bad, students just take in and gradually form their own ideas about the world. Upon this, it is impossible for teachers and parents to change their self-sustained opinions.
4)        Body three
If we adults had enough patience and love for students in trouble, the situation would not be that bad. Unluckily, the supervising parties in teaching, mainly parents and schools, are just lack of love and patience for a variety of reasons. For parents, as we discussed before, they are usually in trouble themselves mainly busy dealing with daily chores in the office and making money, which causes them spare much less time to their kids than parents did in the past and subsequently, lack of communication and trust. For schools, the situation can be even worse. Under the increasing pressure of getting higher average grades of students, schools now put most of the resources and caring into those subjects that have practical meanings such as math, physics, etc. Seldom does a school or an individual teacher in the system care about students’ real thinking. Hence, with the addition of the above two points, students in the long run will tend to deal with problems only by themselves, and reversely, making teaching more difficult.
5)        Conclusion
Therefore, at the best era it may be, teaching, which is so-called the essential momentum in human world, is now in an emergency to get out of the current dilemma for the good of all parties, and above all, our future.

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作者: GMAT猎手    时间: 2015-4-26 10:23

lavenderws 发表于 2015-4-25 23:01
To determine what－which kind of occupation benefits the society most, people need to take many asp ...

谢谢楼主，太感谢了，我就按照你指出的来弄，万分感激

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作者: Yu_0622    时间: 2015-4-26 10:27
这是TPO33的独立写作，辛苦楼主了！！！作文一直卡在20-22上不去了，求指导
Topic:When teacher assign projects on which students must work together, the students learn much more effectively than they are asked to work alone on projects.

Based on various traits of different individuals, there are some people who are more likely to enjoy researching alone, while others prefer to work cooperatively. Nevertheless, when asked about which one enables students to learn knowledge or something else far more effectively, I would answer team works without hesitation for the following reasons.

First and foremost, among the group the students could get answers not only quickly but also vividly and directly via communicating well with each other. There is an opposite voice that students are able to google the information they need, and such a way is more effectively. However, these people confuse the "speed" with the "efficiency". Admittedly, Wikipedia and Google make knowledge readily to obtain. But it is not easy to absorb the valid information if people just browse countless articles and websites. For instance, in an experiment- testing the memory curve, volunteers (Group-A), who were always talking about some special numbers, remember much more numbers than others (Group-B) who remembered the special numbers alone. Besides, according the statistics showed in such a test, the members in Group-A remember numbers more lasting than others. Apparently, working together is more effective because of the "efficiency" based on totally mastering skills or absorbing knowledge.

Moreover, if it were not for the supervising among the team, there would not be excellent academic performance finished before the deadline. An illustrating example is my experience. Luckily, I have chosen the way of team work to accomplish one assignment concerning the model of Landscape Architecture in my campus' life. We shared ideas together; we drawn sketch together; we calculated together; we finished work perfectly. Whereas, some of my classmates insisted that they could make model by themselves before the deadline. Without a doubt, the majority of them were not able to hang in even an uncompleted model. Personally, seldom does a student work effectively without a group.

To sum up, from the deep analysis above, it can be safely concluded that working together is more effective than working alone considering inborn laziness and knowledge-absorbing capability of students.

---

作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-4-26 21:20

xacgshw 发表于 2015-4-25 23:43
楼主及各位同道：昨天练习了第一篇独立写作，写作太慢，用来差不多50分钟才写出下面的材料来。具体的问题也 ...

整个语言和句型都还比较不错。也算是有理有据。

写得慢，主要是想太多了。注意，托福不是考察见识和思考的作文。而是语言考试。内容切题就可以了。不用深刻，甚至不用真实。大致符合逻辑就可以了。

所以最好形成自己的思考套路。在考试的时候在有限的时间内，迅速解题。
比如这个题目：
1. 科技发展，孩子们可以获得很多政治信息，从各种途径。
2. 价值观：公民教育＋批判性思维：孩子们更关注社会发展.

建议多看几道托福的题目，训练一下想分论点的能力。

ps: 你是不是考完gre/gmat。。。这么多长句

楼主及各位同道：昨天练习了第一篇独立写作，写作太慢，用来差不多50分钟才写出下面的材料来。具体的问题也请大虾们指点！ Topic: 1.        Students today are less interested in politics. It is undoubtedly that politics has always been the core of human society not only for those directly engaged politicians, but also everyone in the society because it paves the foundation for all other social-economic sectors. This is especially true for sensitive and unstable period such as the World War, the Cold War as well as mass social movement periods. Knowing this, students in the past were passionate to take part in and discuss political issues, either these hot news happening on the other side of the world, or voting campaign in their student union. ［第一段都结束了，竟然还没有提到你的总观点。。。。 知道第一段的作用么？最重要的作用就是提出自己的总观点的啊。其他的神马都是浮云～～～～～～～～ ］ However, with the elapse of time, the general interests of students today are seemingly different. To some extent, a considerable proportion of them even clearly state their reluctance to be engaged in politics. ［这才是你的总观点吧］Although complicated, it is still essential to find what underlie this trend. ［分段］First, generally peaceful international circumstance has already caused students to have neglected－－［neglected］ the importance of politics (subtheme). Based on studies carried out by a group of prominent historians and sociologists, 5 percent of recorded human history, a very surprisingly small proportion, is devoid of war. Therefore [这两句之间没有明显的逻辑关系吧。] those well-known students’ activities such as May 4th movement in 1919 were actually occurring at times when the entire world was at unstable settings. In today’s world, although regional conflicts including the ceaseless war in the Middle East are reported every day, most of the earth is in a relatively peaceful environment. Countries such as China has--have even enjoyed stable political environment for--due to[for介词，没有“因为”的意思] rapid economic growth for over three decades. For students from these countries, politics inevitably gives way to other relevant issues in their lives such as class grades, personal love, or potential job hunting at most. Furthermore, teachers, an important source to have students cultivate the interest in politics, are more reluctant to bring too much political issues into class discussion (subtheme). While in the past teachers’ performance was not so much judged by student’s performance in exams, teachers currently are facing dramatically greater pressure imposed by the authorities to get students’ scores elevated so that, on the one hand, schools will have increasingly better fame and consequently more parents will send their children to the specific school; on the other hand, teachers themselves will have better chance to get higher salaries. Hence, driven by this realistic goal, teachers would unavoidably try their best to focus on classes themselves without trying other educational strategies including seemingly irrelevant political issue discussions. Last but not the least, the intense stress that students will be encountered with has spared them with little time to care about political topics irrelevant with their lives (subtheme). Nowadays, more educational certificates and higher educational background to help students be more competitive and outstanding with other job applicants have taken up most of students’ time, and therefore in the meantime, have obstructed students to be engaged in politics. (Background) On this background, the majority of students would probably invest precious time into egalitarian fields such as language training, computer knowledge and skill. (Countermeasure) Therefore, considering the dilemma students are facing with about whether to broaden their political sense or enhance technical skills, it is understandable that they choose the latter. (Conclusion) All in all, politics, although as important as is used to be, has gone beyond nowadays students’ top concerns for realistic considerations of all parties engaged.

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作者: wujixiaofeng    时间: 2015-4-27 11:28
望老师百忙之中抽空修改，不甚感激。
TPO20 do you agree or disagree with the following statement that successful people try new things and take risks than only do what they already know how to do well.?


There is a general discussion whether people should try fresh things and take high risks in order to being successful? some people hold the idea that doing things they already know is comfortable for the reason that skillful practicing and experience always lead a short path to the success .however, in my point of view, considerable though the advantages that doing familiar things enjoy are, they can not compete with the benefits that making innovations and undertaking risks bring about ,when the importance of creativity and sense of courage  are taken into consideration.

First of all, the commercial situation nowadays are increasingly competitive, never will imitating leads to a successful life. only the behavior of  creating will stand out among so many ordinary people and companies. when we talk about the brand APPLE ,we mainly talk about the sense of innovating in the great company whose main products are electronic products. about 2008 ,the APPLE company publicize it's first Smartphone which is also the first Smartphone in the world .in the near next few years ,this company become the biggest company world wide in the field of producing telephone. it is the innovation that cause the APPLE company win the war in competing with other factories .there are  many companies being prosperous through innovation when we look back the history of business.

what's more, the sense of courage is a indispensable characteristic for a outstanding person .we all know that a successful people always do something usual and much different from the normal thing .but it is hard for us to see the courage behind the usual activity . firstly, innovating is doing something people are not familiar with ,so they have to undertake the unknown risk .secondly, encourage will prevent people from hesitating ,and help people seize the rare opportunity to being successful .that's why the courage is also a important prerequisite to be a successful person .

Although doing something that people already known is comfortable and less time-consuming as they do not have to spend time on coming up new ideas ,but it is also hard for a person to reach success without the creativity and courage.

From what have been discussed above we could safely draw a conclusion that the characters of trying new things and undertaking risk carry weight more than those of doing familiar things.

---

作者: xacgshw    时间: 2015-4-27 16:05

lavenderws 发表于 2015-4-26 21:20
整个语言和句型都还比较不错。也算是有理有据。

写得慢，主要是想太多了。注意，托福不是考察见识和思 ...

感谢楼主悉心指导！

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作者: xacgshw    时间: 2015-4-27 16:11

lavenderws 发表于 2015-4-26 21:20
整个语言和句型都还比较不错。也算是有理有据。

写得慢，主要是想太多了。注意，托福不是考察见识和思 ...

首段写复杂，您的意思开门见山，简化些吗？另外，长句太多，是不是影响得分？

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-4-27 16:20

xacgshw 发表于 2015-4-27 16:11
首段写复杂，您的意思开门见山，简化些吗？另外，长句太多，是不是影响得分？ ...

是的，开门见山最好。
只要长短句结合，就可以。你的长句还在可以接受的范围。

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作者: GMAT猎手    时间: 2015-4-27 16:34

lavenderws 发表于 2015-4-25 23:01
To determine what－which kind of occupation benefits the society most, people need to take many asp ...

楼主，按照你的指点，我去读了一些素材，但是运用的还不是很自然，请楼主斧正一下。看看我有没有进步。
Do you agree or disagree that parents should make suggestions to the teacher if parents find the method is not right ?

It is not an unusual phenomenon that a host of parents offer suggestions to education institutions if they think it is necessary. However, there is always a discussion on that issue. Many people hold the opinion that parents have rights to participate in educating children with educators. On the other hand, some people point out that parents will distort teaching methods of educators since they are not specialized in educating. Form my point of view, it is a progress if parents can join in the educating process with teachers and can provide suggestions to them if it is possible.

To begin with, we have to admit that parents and teachers all should take the responsibility of teaching children. Nowadays, adolescents face a host of problems which they can not handle it without any help from both teachers and parents. In the campus, young teenagers are overwhelmed by numerous class works. And it is impossible that teacher will recognize all the students that fall behind. Under that circumstance, parents need to suggest teachers to focus on their child and to help their child to make a progress. It is clear that parents should build the connection between students and teachers in that students can get strong support from both sides; otherwise, students will be lost on the way to the success.

Moreover, educators need to strengthen their teaching skills by receiving suggestions from parents. No teacher can ensure the teaching quality of a class, so parents’ feedback is of significance to teachers. There is a tendency that more and more schools choose a variety of ways to receive complains and suggestions from parents: via email, phone call, and even face to face talk. We could not ignore the efforts made by these schools; and this new educating model based on the cooperation between parents and teachers deserves a bright future. Undoubtedly, receiving  suggestions from parents benefits students as well as teaches themselves.

To draw a conclusion, parents and teachers should be allied in the process of teaching students. In their tender age, children can not bear misleading education. Hence, parents’ suggestions to teachers absolutely increase the chance of avoiding that. After all, it is never too careful to address the importance of children’s education.

---

作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-4-28 00:31

Yu_0622 发表于 2015-4-26 10:27
这是TPO33的独立写作，辛苦楼主了！！！作文一直卡在20-22上不去了，求指导
Topic:When teacher assign pro ...

你的作文跟三楼的作文题目是一样的。去参考一下那篇文章和我响应给出的词汇。

所有在20分左右的学生的问题都是一样的：
1. 举例偶尔有在跑题。
2. 词汇句型过去简单。词汇不够精准，多样；句型没有变化。
3. 论证过程图简单，用一些模板式的 “数据论证”＝＝》更体现不出你的语言水平。

解决办法：加入具体的素材！多背一些。
关注我的公众微信号：eva-essay 吧。


Topic:When teacher assign projects on which students must work together, the students learn much more effectively than they are asked to work alone on projects.

Based on various traits of different individuals, there are some people who are more likely to enjoy researching alone, while others prefer to work cooperatively. Nevertheless, when asked about which one enables students to learn knowledge or something else far more effectively, I would answer team works without hesitation for the following reasons.

First and foremost, among the group the students could get answers not only quickly but also vividly and directly via communicating well with each other. There is an opposite voice that students are able to google the information they need, and such a way is more effectively. However, these people confuse the "speed" with the "efficiency". Admittedly, Wikipedia and Google make knowledge readily to obtain. But it is not easy to absorb the valid information if people just browse countless articles and websites. For instance, in an experiment- testing the memory curve, volunteers (Group-A), who were always talking about some special numbers, remember much more numbers than others (Group-B) who remembered the special numbers alone. Besides, according the statistics showed in such a test, the members in Group-A remember numbers more lasting than others. Apparently, working together is more effective because of the "efficiency" based on totally mastering skills or absorbing knowledge.［没啥体现出实际语言能力的地方，更没有支持自己的观点get answers quickly and vividly, directly...］

Collaborative activity is the “secret sauce” that enables teams to come up with innovative new products or creative, buzz-worthy marketing campaigns.  it is because with various background/scopes of knowledge of each one, students can easily get answer from others to their own problems. on the contrary, limited by one's own background/knowledge/perspective, students may have to waste a long time before analysing problem from the whole picture. students are too restricted by their own knowledge/experience to analyse problem from the whole picture, which collective activities can easily avoid.


Moreover, if it were not for the supervising among the team＝＝升级一些句型：were it not for 虚拟语气的省略倒桩, there would not be excellent academic performance finished before the deadline. An illustrating example is my experience. Luckily, I have chosen－－chose［时态，过去时］ the way of team work to accomplish one assignment concerning the model of Landscape Architecture in my campus' life. We shared ideas together; we drawn sketch together; we calculated together; we finished work perfectly. Whereas, some of my classmates insisted that they could make model by themselves before the deadline. Without a doubt, the majority of them were not able to hang in even an uncompleted model. Personally, seldom does a student work effectively without a group.

本段例子跑题。分论点是写：有了团队的监督，学生的学习成绩就会变好。但是你的文段中并没有体现。
［when people are banded together and have a leader surpervising them, they will have to devote all of themselves to their projects instead of occasinally getting slack. ］


To sum up, from the deep analysis above, it can be safely concluded that working together is more effective than working alone considering inborn laziness and knowledge-absorbing capability of students.

---

作者: Yu_0622    时间: 2015-4-28 17:58

lavenderws 发表于 2015-4-28 00:31
你的作文跟三楼的作文题目是一样的。去参考一下那篇文章和我响应给出的词汇。

所有在20分左右的学生的 ...

谢谢楼主！！会根据意见作调整的！

---

作者: ayoway    时间: 2015-4-28 18:59
楼上很好。。

---

作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-4-28 22:15

GMAT猎手 发表于 2015-4-27 16:34
楼主，按照你的指点，我去读了一些素材，但是运用的还不是很自然，请楼主斧正一下。看看我有没有进步。
D ...

红色是有问题的地方；重复的内容比较多。
蓝色是不错的地方 。

分数估计在22分左右。
所有在20分左右的学生的问题都是一样的：
1. 举例偶尔有在跑题。
2. 词汇句型过去简单。词汇不够精准，多样；句型没有变化。
3. 论证过程图简单，用一些模板式的 “论证”＝＝》更体现不出你的语言水平。

总的来说，看了你两篇作文了。在内容－－解题上。 在句型和词汇上，还需要大大的提升！
多背诵，多运用自己学过的，多提升才是王道！

你现在再写，我觉得都是没有太大实际意义。你要学习－输入，再输出，才有提升了。

找个老师深入地学习一下吧。

还有问题，再联系吧



话题：教育；
词汇：interfere with; emotions can run high；
提出建议：proposal, proposition, motion, recommendation; advice, counsel, clue, idea,

响应的素材：
来自：<2 things parents need to know> http://www.huffingtonpost.com/anastasia-gavalas/2-things-parents-need-to-grow_b_7153334.html?utm_hp_ref=parents&ir=Parents
In more recent times, the pendulum has swung in the opposite direction, where parents overcompensated for the lack of emotional support they themselves experienced in their own childhood. This resulted in a generation of children who grew up with an inflated sense of self, lack of responsibility, entitlement and little motivation. It became evident that the movement to provide a child more wings was not the solution. Thankfully, there are a growing number of parents whose perspectives have evolved. Neither of these two parenting extremes meets the needs of the child, or the parent. Those who recognize the importance of blending stability and real faith expand their influence with raising well-balanced, independent children in today's modern world.

好老师的定义：
华盛顿邮报《http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/03/26/AR2010032602232.html》
Ideally, the Inspired Teaching fellows will go into D.C. classrooms and treat children like the eager, curious and fascinating people they are, rather than like prisoners in an institution. Even if a school has policies that the center's leaders find abhorrent -- such as stoplights (yes, actual traffic lights) in classrooms to govern children's behavior or the deeply loathed "silent lunch" -- graduates of this program are expected to run their classrooms with high standards, respect for children and a zeal to get students excited about learning.



Do you agree or disagree that parents should make suggestions to the teacher if parents find the method is not right ?

It is not an unusual phenomenon that a host of parents offer suggestions to education institutions if they think it is necessary. However, there is always a discussion on that issue. Many people hold the opinion that parents have rights to participate in educating children with educators. On the other hand, some people point out that parents will distort teaching methods of educators since they are not specialized in educating. Form my point of view, it is a progress if parents can join in the educating process with teachers and can provide suggestions to them if it is possible.

固定搭配：provide sth. for sb.
开头段重复太多了！！这个要改。


To begin with, we have to admit that parents and teachers all should take the responsibility of teaching children. Nowadays, adolescents face a host of problems which they can not handle it[语法错误，删去] without any help from both teachers and parents. In the campus, young teenagers are overwhelmed by numerous class works. And it is impossible that teacher will recognize all the students that fall behind. Under that circumstance, parents need to suggest－remind teachers to focus on their child and to help their child to make a progress. It is clear that parents should build the connection between students and teachers in that students can get strong support from both sides; otherwise, students will be lost on the way to the success.

句型还是没有变化：教一个简单的句子：done 1, A do 2. [1& 2的主语保持一致]
sourrounded by dozes of teenagers who inevtiably are stuck in various problmes both academcial and personal, teachers usually feel overwhelmed and even occasionally neglect somes students' misbeheavors, like peaking others' test answer, rudly taking back to young teachers or even picking fight with students.[要写详细的细节啊！]


Moreover, educators need to strengthen their teaching skills by receiving suggestions from parents. No teacher can ensure the teaching quality of a class, so parents’ feedback is of significance to teachers. There is a tendency that more and more schools choose a variety of ways to receive complains and suggestions from parents: via email, phone call, and even face to face talk. We could not ignore the efforts made by these schools; and this new educating model based on the cooperation between parents and teachers deserves a bright future. Undoubtedly, receiving  suggestions from parents benefits students as well as teaches themselves. [这个其实也跟你的论点没有关系。]

对观点的论证＝＝》方式：解释原因；举出具体的例子。
你这一段的例子应该是：从父母那里得到建议是如何提升老师的教学技能的。！！！！！



To draw a conclusion, parents and teachers should be allied in the process of teaching students. In their tender age, children can not bear misleading education. Hence, parents’ suggestions to teachers absolutely increase the chance of avoiding that. After all, it is never too careful to address the importance of children’s education.

---

作者: gmatgaofen1118    时间: 2015-5-1 12:01
LZ 求助 考了两次写作23了 字数总是上不去，每次最多打400词来不及检查OR 350词可以检查一遍。听说字数越多越有可能得高分，是这样吗？

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Technology designed to make our life simpler actually makes our life more complicated.
（350 words）


I don’t agree with the opinion that technology designed to make life better actually makes life more complicated. In my opinion, technology plays a pivotal role in modern daily life. Technology is to people what water is to fish, and I cannot imagine what my life will be like without technology. Because of widespread use of technology, our life have become simpler than that of several decades ago.

Several years ago, people had no phones, televisions, computers and or typists, so what people had to do is was writing a letter instead of sending an e-mail, listening to a broadcast instead of watching a colored television, playing games outdoors instead of playing a video game on computer. With the strikly fast rapid development of technology, life has become better and simpler. We cannot deny the convenience brought by the technology: we are able to communicate with workmates by sending an e-mail; to play a video game with friends without stepping out living room with a computer in it; to chat with people from all over the world anytime. Technology enables us to do a lot of things in a so short time and a so simple way that we cannot imagine before.

Elderly people have complicated feelings about technology. My grandfather told me that when he was a boy, there is no public transportation, not to mention a private car. Therefore, few people left hometown and went to another city. It was so inconvenient to get access to a new place. My grandfather did not go to a new city until he was eighteen, at a time when trains were operated in his hometown. My grandfather really appreciate the technology, which makes a difference for his life.

I cannot understand why people think technology makes life even more complicated. Admittedly, some inventions, such as the air conditions which produce hot air so that the temperature becomes higher, have made adverse effects to the environment. However, if we tend to enjoy the technology advantages, we have to withstand the disadvantages. Technology is a double-edged sword, but its merits highly outweigh the downsides.

In conclusion, I believe that technology makes our life more convenient. I even think that life will be better and simpler in the future because of the continuous development of technology.

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-5-1 15:09

gmatgaofen1118 发表于 2015-5-1 12:01
LZ 求助 考了两次写作23了 字数总是上不去，每次最多打400词来不及检查OR 350词可以检查一遍。听说字数 ...

LZ 求助 考了两次写作23了 字数总是上不去，每次最多打400词来不及检查OR 350词可以检查一遍。听说字数越多越有可能得高分，是这样吗？ ＝＝＝＝＝》当然是不是这样的啊！！！只要字数300以上，看的都是语言质量啊！！当然有些人，尤其是一些高分考生，英语水平本来不错，对于托福这么简单的题目，想说的话也很多，结果表现为字数多，分数高。但是这不能反推！！ 看完你的作业： 1. 中式思维太严重。搞不清楚论点和论据之间的区别。论证方面一团糊涂。 2. 语言有细节。但是精准的表达较少。比如：在家里工作，远程工作：telecommute. 比你的 we are able to communicate with workmates by sending an e-mail..准确太多。 解决方法： 1. 最好能找个老师学一下，英文的论证。 2. 好好学习英语素材，多背诵地道的表达。 不然你怎么写，都卡在这个水平。输入太少。 我有一个公众微信号：evaessay。会推送考试相关的英文写作素材，你可以关注一下。 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Technology designed to make our life simpler actually makes our life more complicated. （350 words） I don’t agree with the opinion that technology designed to make life better actually makes life more complicated.［重复原文题目，要不得！！一定要改写！！］ In my opinion, technology plays a pivotal role in modern daily life.［这个绝对不是你的观点！！！不然，你跑题了！！］ Technology is to people what water is to fish, and I cannot imagine what my life will be like without technology. Because of widespread use of technology, our life have become simpler than that of several decades ago.［这个才是正面回答题目。这个才是你的总观点！！］ 开头段，一定转述题目！一定要正面，直接，明了的回答你的观点！！ ［这段竟然没有观点句！］Several years ago, people had no phones, televisions, computers and or typists, so what people had to do is was writing a letter instead of sending an e-mail, listening to a broadcast instead of watching a colored television, playing games outdoors instead of playing a video game on computer［还算有细节，还可以］. With the strikly fast rapid development of technology, life has become better and simpler. We cannot deny the convenience brought by the technology: we are able to communicate with workmates by sending an e-mail［重复－－telecommute］; to play a video game with friends without stepping out living room with a computer in it; to chat with people from all over the world anytime. Technology enables us to do a lot of things in a so short time and a so simple way that we cannot imagine before.[这句才是你的观点句啊！应该放在第一段] Elderly people have complicated［后面的内容并没有对“complicated”进行展开哦。这个体现在哪里的？而且即便是complicated feeling。跟你的总观点的关系是？？］ feelings about technology. My grandfather told me that when he was a boy, there is no public transportation, not to mention a private car. Therefore, few people left hometown and went to another city. It was so inconvenient to get access to a new place. My grandfather did not go to a new city until he was eighteen, at a time when trains were operated in his hometown. My grandfather really appreciate the technology, which makes a difference for his life.［这些内容跟上文的内容差不多重复哦～］ I cannot understand why people think technology makes life even more complicated. Admittedly, some inventions, such as the air conditions which produce hot air so that the temperature becomes higher［啰嗦：which warm us in frozing winter］, have made adverse effects to the environment. [这个才是观点，要展开哦。] However, if we tend to enjoy the technology advantages, we have to withstand the disadvantages. Technology is a double-edged sword, but its merits highly outweigh the downsides. In conclusion, I believe that technology makes our life more convenient. I even think that life will be better and simpler in the future because of the continuous development of technology.

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作者: gmatgaofen1118    时间: 2015-5-1 15:42
非常感谢您！！！！我的问题实在是严重
中式思维这个问题自己也发现，因为每次读自己写出的东西和ｔｏｅｆｌ范文完全不是一回事儿。。。。　　
所以中式思维的问题可以通过多背诵地道文章，多积累素材解决；
那么跑题、观点想不出（有时候觉得字数少不仅是因为打字速度慢，想不出论点，或者想出的论点不能用英文有效表达也是重要的原因）这种硬伤问题该怎么解决呢？
ＰＳ．已关注微信号！！非常感谢！！必须推荐给小伙伴！！！

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-5-1 15:46

gmatgaofen1118 发表于 2015-5-1 15:42
非常感谢您！！！！我的问题实在是严重
中式思维这个问题自己也发现，因为每次读自己写出的东西和ｔｏｅｆ ...

这个我是推荐你自己找一个老师学一下～  因为这个靠自己去总结经验太慢也太难了～～

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作者: gmatgaofen1118    时间: 2015-5-1 16:26

lavenderws 发表于 2015-5-1 15:46
这个我是推荐你自己找一个老师学一下～  因为这个靠自己去总结经验太慢也太难了～～
...

嗷！好的！！

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作者: wujixiaofeng    时间: 2015-5-2 16:37
望老师百忙之中抽空修改，不甚感激。
TPO20 do you agree or disagree with the following statement that successful people try new things and take risks than only do what they already know how to do well.?


There is a general discussion whether people should try fresh things and take high risks in order to being successful? some people hold the idea that doing things they already know is comfortable for the reason that skillful practicing and experience always lead a short path to the success .however, in my point of view, considerable though the advantages that doing familiar things enjoy are, they can not compete with the benefits that making innovations and undertaking risks bring about ,when the importance of creativity and sense of courage  are taken into consideration.

First of all, the commercial situation nowadays are increasingly competitive, never will imitating leads to a successful life. only the behavior of  creating will stand out among so many ordinary people and companies. when we talk about the brand APPLE ,we mainly talk about the sense of innovating in the great company whose main products are electronic products. about 2008 ,the APPLE company publicize it's first Smartphone which is also the first Smartphone in the world .in the near next few years ,this company become the biggest company world wide in the field of producing telephone. it is the innovation that cause the APPLE company win the war in competing with other factories .there are  many companies being prosperous through innovation when we look back the history of business.

what's more, the sense of courage is a indispensable characteristic for a outstanding person .we all know that a successful people always do something usual and much different from the normal thing .but it is hard for us to see the courage behind the usual activity . firstly, innovating is doing something people are not familiar with ,so they have to undertake the unknown risk .secondly, encourage will prevent people from hesitating ,and help people seize the rare opportunity to being successful .that's why the courage is also a important prerequisite to be a successful person .

Although doing something that people already known is comfortable and less time-consuming as they do not have to spend time on coming up new ideas ,but it is also hard for a person to reach success without the creativity and courage.

From what have been discussed above we could safely draw a conclusion that the characters of trying new things and undertaking risk carry weight more than those of doing familiar things.

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-5-6 12:52

wujixiaofeng 发表于 2015-5-2 16:37
望老师百忙之中抽空修改，不甚感激。
TPO20 do you agree or disagree with the following statement that  ...

五一时期课程太忙了～  
现在才来回复～～

绿色是写得好的地方。
红色是有问题的地方。
从你的作文来看，你的词汇和句型掌握得比较熟练。但是问题是：
你的思路太过发散了，太中式＝太绕了。到后面就愈发跑题了。
这个题目直接写：尝试新事物的好处就可以了［新事物－－》导致 好处1；2；3 ］。不要扯到： 新事物－》需要创新和勇气－》这两个有好处。。。。不等于！新事物的好处啊！！

建议，在托福考试之前把考试机井拿过来，好好地练练解题思路。
关于如何正确解题，你可以专门找老师学一下。不然影响很大。也可以关注我的公众微信号evaessay. 参加写作团～  

加油！



successful people try new things and take risks than only do what they already know how to do well.?


There is a general discussion whether people should try fresh things and take high risks in order to being successful?－句号 some people hold the idea that doing things they already know is comfortable for the reason that－－because 简洁 skillful practicing and experience always lead a short path to the success. however, in my point of view, considerable though the advantages that doing familiar things enjoy are, they can not compete with the benefits that making innovations and undertaking risks bring about ,when the importance of creativity and sense of courage  are taken into consideration.

First of all, the commercial situation nowadays are increasingly competitive, and never will imitating leads to a successful life. only the behavior of creating－bravely exploring the unkown/jumping out the comfort zone will stand out among so many ordinary people and companies. when we talk about the brand APPLE ,we mainly talk about the sense of innovating in the great company whose main products are electronic products. about 2008 ,the APPLE company，originally a personal computer company, surprising publicized it's first Smartphone which is also the first Smartphone in the world . [中间内容写得充实一点：combining computer systerm with cellphones not only guarantee people friendly and easily operation but also revolutionized the whole industry, setting the company back on the top.in the near next few years ,this company become the biggest company world wide in the field of producing telephone. it is the innovation that cause the APPLE company win the war in competing with other factories --强调句，不错 .there are  many companies being prosperous through innovation when we look back the history of business.
注意，不要同义转换你的观点。做新事物，不完全等于，创新。

what's more, the sense of courage is a indispensable characteristic for a outstanding person .we all know that a successful people always do something usual and much different from the normal thing .but it is hard for us to see the courage behind the usual activity . firstly, innovating is doing something people are not familiar with ,so they have to undertake the unknown risk .secondly, encourage will prevent people from hesitating ,and help people seize the rare opportunity to being successful .that's why the courage is also a important prerequisite to be a successful person .[这个完全跑题了。。。。courage跟 做不同的事情之间的关系是什么了？ ]

Although doing something that people already known is comfortable and less time-consuming as they do not have to spend time on coming up new ideas ,but it is also hard for a person to reach success without the creativity and courage.

From what have been discussed above we could safely draw a conclusion that the characters of trying new things and undertaking risk carry weight more than those of doing familiar things.

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作者: GMAT猎手    时间: 2015-5-22 17:05
楼主，我积累了一段时间，之前我写的两篇文章的确很烂，过了一个月，你看我有进步没，谢谢斧正！
题目：People should never be satisfied with what they have, they should always want something new or? something different Do you agree or disagree with the statement. Give reasons for your choice.
正文：
It’s a miracle that our nation has been so modernized. Despite the progress we have made in economics, politics and culture, people in the great country will never be satisfied with that. From my point of view, this kind of spirit will motivate people in the whole society to pursuit another success in the near future. Hence, I do believe that people should never be satisfied with what they have owned.
It is a kind of nature for human to chase new things. Imagine the life of our ancestors: at the very beginning of the human history, people hunt animals and gather wild fruit for a living. Under that condition, satisfying appetite is the first priority. However, as we human beings evolve, people never be satisfied with just food, they search clothes for covering, build houses for protection, and develop vehicles for migration. Thanks for our ancestors’ demands or new things; without their efforts to discover different things generation by generation, we may have been extinct.
Further, pursuing new things is a motivator in the development of a society. As we all know that new technologies change our daily life dramatically. The invention of personal computer, cell phone and the World Wide Web are, essentially, influential in the modern society. Nevertheless, before these new inventions have been invented, we have no idea about their impacts. Apparently, the spirit of pursuing new things plays a crucial role not only in the evaluation of human beings but also in the development of society.
Last but not the least, to satisfy with what we have means to make a compromise with current situation, leading to a failure eventually. As a young man, undoubtedly, I always face a dilemma to make a choice between satisfying the current situation and taking one more step in competition. It is often the case that whenever I chose to satisfy, I will lose my chance to fulfill my potential, causing my failure in a competition. After all, other competitors will never be satisfied with their behavior and they will chase the success with tooth and nail.
In reality, we should never give any excuse to satisfying what we have. The spirit of pursuing new things is a footstone in the process of human evaluation. More importantly, this spirit will encourage us human beings to achieve a new success.

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-5-25 14:57

GMAT猎手 发表于 2015-5-22 17:05
楼主，我积累了一段时间，之前我写的两篇文章的确很烂，过了一个月，你看我有进步没，谢谢斧正！
题目：Peo ...

写得很流畅。不错。

就是跑题了。。。。 题目是 should; 应不应该。而不是人类是否是这样的。。。。

语言质量，逻辑（按你自己的观点来看）有了很大提升。

加油！

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作者: GMAT猎手    时间: 2015-5-26 17:20

lavenderws 发表于 2015-5-25 14:57
写得很流畅。不错。

就是跑题了。。。。 题目是 should; 应不应该。而不是人类是否是这样的。。。。

谢谢！我继续努力。

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-5-27 21:53
最近要考试的同学比较少哦～～ 来改作文的都比较少～～  希望这个帖子不要沉了哦

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作者: shaoqiu    时间: 2015-6-19 10:37
我的写作很糟糕，两个月后考试，但刚刚才开始练作文，没有什么头绪，请多多指教哇，不甚感激！
Are the parents the best teacher?
Parents play different roles to their children, as friends, partners, monitors and teachers. Although we have professional teachers in school who teach us knowledge. In my opinion, parents are our best teacher in our lives who teach us much more than knowledge in the text book.
Parents teach us how to love. Nothing can be more important than love in the world. No doubt, their love is selfless and everlasting. Parents are great love giver and never ask for rewards. Such kind of love is the first love we get in the world. We feel the love firstly and then learn how to love the others. We even learn the way of expressing love from our parents, as a result, we often show our love to others by the same way of our parents. Parents pass their love to us and we pass it down.
Parents are the most patient teacher to their children. They never give up teaching us. A lot of miracles are made by parents persistent teaching while many children were diagnosed as hopeless diseases, doctors say there is no way to help them, however the parents never give up to heal their children, they teach their children how to do recovery exercises, they teach their disabled children how to stand and walk. Those kinds of teaching can be only fulfilled by parents.
Last but not the least, parents always give us the best advices. Why? You may argue that I can get advice from friend or teacher. Why the parents’ advices are the best? Since they’re the most people who familiar with us, they know exactly who we are, our advantages and disadvantages. They give our advices based on our standing. As a result, their advices are the most matching one to our characteristics.
Compared with others, they are the most committed, most patiently, and most caring teacher for us. I can feel the love from them while they teach me. I love my parents and appreciate their teaching.  They are my best teacher forever.

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-6-21 12:13

shaoqiu 发表于 2015-6-19 10:37
我的写作很糟糕，两个月后考试，但刚刚才开始练作文，没有什么头绪，请多多指教哇，不甚感激！
Are  ...

其实英文中等。不算太差。思路也比较清晰。就是中式英文比较严重。

语法：1. 中式逗号连接的短句太多。
          2. 不会使用英文的长难句。稍微复杂的句子就会用错(比较句)

内容：1. 有些跑题。父母是最好的老师。 要证明“最好”，要比较。
          2. 内容太简单。导致词汇句型也很简单。


提升方式：1. 要去学一下，了解如何 解，论证展开 托福题目。2. 提升语法。尤其是特殊句式。3. 输入内容和素材。

也可以加我的公众微信，evaessay，参加我的托福写作团。
加油！



Are the parents the best teacher?

Parents play different roles to-in  their children, as friends, partners, monitors and teachers. Although we have professional teachers in school who teach us knowledge.--逗号 In my opinion, parents are our best teacher in our lives who teach us much more than knowledge in the text book［语法－比较对象(parents & knowledge)不一致。］.

Parents teach us how to love.［这一点不能支撑“父母是最好的老师”。没有体现“最好”］ Nothing can be more important than love in the world. No doubt, their love is selfless and everlasting. Parents are great love giver and never ask for rewards. Such kind of love is the first love we get in the world. We feel the love firstly and then learn how to love the others. We even learn the way of expressing love from our parents, [句号]as a result, we often show our love to others by the same way of our parents. Parents pass their love to us and we pass it down.

Parents are the most patient teacher to their children. They never give up teaching us. A lot of miracles are made by parents persistent teaching while many children were－was diagnosed as hopeless diseases, doctors say there is no way to help them［医生 跟 老师，没有关系吧］, however the parents never give up to heal their children, they teach their children how to do recovery exercises, they teach their disabled children how to stand and walk. [这一大长 逗号 连接的句子哦。明显是中式表达！] Those kinds of teaching can be only fulfilled by parents.

Last but not the least, parents always give us the best advices. Why? You may argue that I can get advice from friend or teacher. Why the parents’ advices are the best? Since they’re the most people who familiar with us, they know exactly who we are, our advantages and disadvantages. They give our advices based on our standing. As a result, their advices are the most matching one to our characteristics.

Compared with others, they are the most committed, most patiently, and most caring teacher for us. I can feel the love from them while they teach me. I love my parents and appreciate their teaching.  They are my best teacher forever.

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作者: leegobfsu    时间: 2015-6-25 20:02
托福作文实在头疼，感觉都只会用简单词汇，写的也慢，求批！thanks a lot!
题目： It is more important to keep your old friends than it is to make new friends.
In my contention, making new friends plays the same pivotal roles as maintaing the relationship of old friends.

Admittedly, old friends belong to a part of beautiful memory and the relationship between old friends are thought to be more firm and reliable. It is no wonder that whenever someone need to ask for help when encountering a difficulty or dilemma, the first mind jumping out is to find your old friends, because people tend to trust familiar person and are embarrassed to call trouble to friends they acquainted with just now. However, it cannot be denied that, in some occasions, it is the new friend who provides with some indispensable experiences in your life, which your old friends is unlikely to offer.

To begin with, new friends are solid support and warm caregivers when you are away from the place you are familiar with. Undoubtedly, the majority of us will have some opportunities to leave where you have grown up, the place where your old friends live and, in the totally unfamiliar environment, you may feel lonely and helpless. Without your new friends, you would have to have dinner alone and go shopping alone without any invitation to a party. This experiences will exert detrimental influence upon the metal health. I still remember I went to Portland as an exchange student alone two years ago. With no familiar friends accompanying me, I felt terribly lonely and my heart was as cold as the bitter wind there. More frustrating, not all people in Portland are proficient in speaking English, the only foreign language I can speak, so each time I went out to have meal, I could only pick those restaurants with English speaking services. At that moment, I was unable to ask help for my old friends because they were unable to solve any problem I face except worrying about me. However, one months later, I made some friends there and since then the life began to be better. We could hang out with each other. Since one of my friends was multilingual, I was not worried that I could not find a restaurant I could communicate with waiters and I even learned some pieces of France and Germany. In my helpless moment, it was my new friends in Portland who offer me the warmest welcome and help abroad. Without them, my exchange experience in Portland would be a nightmare to me instead of the beautiful and sweet memory.

Making new friends is a gateway to promote socialization skills and have a better understanding of culture. Apparently, the topics of chatting or discussion between old friends are more casual and people are more comfortable when they hang out with their old friends. However, as the more common topics accumulate, the subjects tend to be gossips and other trivial things. New friends, on the contrary, have different backgrounds and may even from other countries. The discussion between new friends concentrate on the differences between several culture, which can expand your outlook. Just as how vital part the sense of fresh plays in the relationship of love, so the sense is indispensable component of friendship. The semiannual exchange life I spent in Portland has, aside from leaving me unforgettable impression of Portland, triggered my interest in colorful culture  through new friends oversea.

In conclusion, although old friends are vehicle for beautiful memory before, new friends can bring you to enjoy a wider world; and thus they are both the sanctuary in your life.

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作者: shaoqiu    时间: 2015-6-26 11:03

lavenderws 发表于 2015-6-21 12:13
其实英文中等。不算太差。思路也比较清晰。就是中式英文比较严重。

语法：1. 中式逗号连接的短句太多 ...

十分感谢，点评一语中的，已加微信，继续学习。

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-6-28 19:14

leegobfsu 发表于 2015-6-25 20:02
托福作文实在头疼，感觉都只会用简单词汇，写的也慢，求批！thanks a lot!
题目： It is more important to ...

整个文章除了语法问题：代词指代要一致；其他都还好。看出是学过的

但是分数在3～4 分；fair 这个等级的

因为内容太罗嗦了－－简洁一些。［看我怎么给你改的］

句式变化太少了，很中式。英文的大树句比较少。

句式变化：倒装；强调；虚拟；省略－－－ 一定要出现！！

如果还有需要，可以加我的公众微信 evaessay


It is more important to keep your old friends than it is to make new friends.

In my contention, making new friends plays the same pivotal roles as maintaing the relationship of old friends.

Admittedly, old friends belong to a part of beautiful memory and the relationship between old friends are thought to be more firm-firmer and reliable. It is no wonder that whenever someone need to ask for help when encountering a difficulty or dilemma, the first mind jumping out is to find your old friends, because people tend to trust familiar person and are embarrassed to call trouble to friends they acquainted with just now. However, it cannot be denied that, in some occasions, it is the new friend who provides with some indispensable experiences in  life, which your old friends is unlikely to offer.

[整个you 都应该改为 we ]
To begin with, new friends are solid support and warm caregivers when you are away from the place you are familiar with. Undoubtedly, the majority of us will have some opportunities to leave where you have grown up, the place where your old friends live and, in the totally unfamiliar environment, you may feel lonely and helpless. Without your new friends, you would have to have dinner alone and go shopping alone without any invitation to a party. This experiences will exert a detrimental influence upon the metal health. ［删去，后面并没有支撑这个观点。］I still remember I went to Portland as an exchange student alone two years ago. With no familiar friends accompanying me, I felt terribly lonely[用词重复] and my heart was as cold as the bitter wind there. More frustrating, not all people in Portland are proficient in speaking English, the only foreign language I can speak, so each time I went out to have meal, I could only pick those restaurants with English speaking services. At that moment, I was unable to ask help for my old friends because they were unable to solve any problem I face except worrying about me.［cleary olds friends are too far away to lend my any help。注意句型的多变＋简洁一点；不用总是解释太多。］ However, one months later, I made some friends there and since then the life began to be better. We could hang out with each other. Since one of my friends was multilingual ［things bagan to change after i had acquiantence with several multilignual friends ］, I was not worried that I could not find a restaurant I could communicate with waiters and I even learned some pieces of France and Germany. In my helpless moment, it was my new friends in Portland who offer me the warmest welcome and help abroad. Without them, my exchange experience in Portland would be a nightmare to me instead of the beautiful and sweet memory.

Making new friends is a gateway to promote socialization skills and have a better understanding of culture. Apparently, the topics of chatting or discussion between old friends are more casual and people are more comfortable when they hang out with their old friends. However, as the more common topics accumulate, the subjects tend to be gossips and other trivial things. New friends, on the contrary, have different backgrounds and may even ［comes］from other countries. The discussion between new friends concentrate on the differences between several culture, which can expand your outlook. Just as how vital part the sense of fresh plays in the relationship of love, so the sense is indispensable component of friendship. The semiannual exchange life I spent in Portland has, aside from leaving me unforgettable impression of Portland, triggered my interest in colorful culture  through new friends oversea.

In conclusion, although old friends are vehicle for beautiful memory before, new friends can bring you to enjoy a wider world; and thus they are both the sanctuary in your life.

---

作者: Haibara_Cheung    时间: 2015-6-29 10:09
马上考试了，作文写的还是不行，麻烦楼主指教一下我的作文，谢谢楼主

题目：Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Most advertisements make products seem much better then they really are.

正文：First and foremost, the advertisements in educational are always speaker louder than products. When I preparing for the toefl test, I can easily find the e-mail in my e-mail box with the title attend our class you can get more than one hundred grades in toefl test. Nobody can gain a high score in any exams without their diligence and intelligence. Without strive working by oneself, any famous teacher or any famous class can help you pass the exams. One of my friends reply the email to get a high score in GMAT. Telling him what they have told is the answer to the exam. Finally my friend got a low grades because of trust advertisements and didn't prepare for the exam.

Furthermore, the advertisements in medical are always make products seem much more better than reality. Many medical products that used for cold saying that people will immediately get out of the cold after having their medicals. Besides, you can easily find some medical products saying that after drinking a dozen of these, you will look more younger and more healthier. But once I got a cold, my mother fed me so many different kind of medical after that I was still badly cold.

Last but not least, the advertisements in the traveling sometimes cheat people. When opening the websites you can get access to the traveling advertisements that offer you a really low price with a high quality trip. A ticket from the China to Thailand may cost for two hundreds dollars, but the travel agency promise to offer you a wonderful five days trip only cost two hundreds dollars. If you join the trip, the tour guide will bring to variety of shops and ask you to buy a lot of expensive gifts. On contrast to the advertisement, you may pay for the money and use you vacation only to exchange a angry trip.

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-6-29 20:47

Haibara_Cheung 发表于 2015-6-29 10:09
马上考试了，作文写的还是不行，麻烦楼主指教一下我的作文，谢谢楼主

题目：Do you agree or disagree wit ...

总的来说，词汇和句型太过简单了。例子的叙事的模式也很一致，导致表达也很重复。
所以要写得更具体一些，多加具体的内容，才能出现词汇句型的变化。
语法问题：句子一写长，就容易出现 双谓语的错误！

建议：1. 多积累地道的素材；2. 进行句型的训练，尤其是长句的训练。

还需要指导，可以加我的公众微信号：evaessay

题目：Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Most advertisements make products seem much better then they really are.

正文：First and foremost, the advertisements in educational are always speaker louder than products. When I preparing for the toefl test, I can easily find the e-mail in my e-mail box with the title attend－－attending  our class you can get more than one hundred grades in toefl test. Nobody can gain a high score in any exams without their diligence and intelligence.[倒装不错] Without strive working- by oneself--devoting themselves, any famous teacher or any famous class can help you pass the exams. One of my friends reply the email to get a high score in GMAT. Telling him what they have told is the answer to the exam.--?? Finally my friend got a low grades because of trust--blindly trusting advertisements and didn't prepare for the exam.

Furthermore, the advertisements in medical are always making products seem--［双谓语］删去 much more better than reality. Many medical products that are used for cold saying that people will immediately get out of the cold after having their medicals. Besides, you can easily find some medical products saying that after drinking--taking a dozen of these, you will look more younger and more healthier. But once I got a cold, my mother fed me so many different kind of medical after that I was still badly cold.--用词重复that i still suffered.

Last but not least, the advertisements in the traveling sometimes cheat people. When opening the websites you can get access to－are bombarded with various traveling advertisements that offer you a really low price with a high quality trip. A ticket from the China to Thailand may cost for two hundreds dollars, but the travel agency promise to offer you a wonderful five days trip only which only cost[双谓语啊] two hundreds dollars. If you join the trip, the tour guide will bring to variety of shops and ask you to buy a lot of expensive gifts. On contrast to--contrary to the advertisement, you may pay for the money and use you vacation only to exchange a angry trip.--－－what you pay for is just an angry trip. [句型太过于简单]

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作者: slave918    时间: 2015-6-30 15:48
Jobis very important for every individual, since that's where people can achievetheir goals, values, or dreams. Some people contend that if they have theopportunity to get a secure job, they should take it rather than wait for a jobthat would be more satisfying; others disagree. In myview, grasping the chance of a secure job is a more wise decision.
The main reason is that waiting for anotherjob which is more satisfying has a lot of risks. If people wait too long, theymay lose their secure job, which they can get easily. Also, a more satisfyingjob is often more difficult to get. For example, when Iwas in the university, I planned to applyfor someinternships in the summer vacation toget more experience. I applied two companies, one is an accounting firm andanother one is an investment bank. Of course, I was more eager to get into theinvestment bank. The job here was more challenging and I could get more salaryand knowledges. However, I just got the offer from the accounting firm firstand I needed to reply it in a week. Finally, I choose to wait. Sadly, I missedthe deadline of the offer from the accounting firm and I also didn't get theoffer from the investment bank. That experience taught me that it is better tograsp the opportunity of getting a secure job.
The second reason is that individuals canget a more satisfying job latter. Getting a secure job doesn't meanpeople need to do that job for their whole life. They can learn more specialknowledges and train their skills to increase the chances of getting a moresatisfying job latter. For instance, 5 years ago my brother, Jack, graduated.He majored in Finance and he quickly got an offerfrom a national bank. However, actually, he wanted a job in a foreignbank, since he was so interested about meeting foreigners and internationalfinancial news. Afterwards, he chose the national bank anyway. However,after he came home after work, he was so diligent. He went to his room,practicing his English reading and speaking skills. He also got the certificateof CFA. Finally, after 3 years, he changed his job to a foreign bank. Heaccomplished his goal at the end and he was so even more satisfied about hiscurrent job than before. That's why I think people should take the opportunityto get a secure job.
Thus, people should grasp the opportunityof a secure job, but not wait for a more satisfying job. Taking the secure job not onlyguarantees people there are norisk, but also give the people the opportunities tofind a better job latter. Individuals shouldtake the opportunity of a secure job.
十分感谢您

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作者: ihqdo    时间: 2015-6-30 23:53
楼主你好，我是第一次考托，这是我的处女作文，希望能得到指点，让我了解一下我的作文在什么水平，谢谢！

独立写作题目：
some people believe that university students should be required to attend classes. Others believe that going to classes should be optional for students.Which point of view do you agree with? Use specific reasons and details to explain your answer.
作文：
An argument is always there that whether University students should be required to attend classes. Gladly, I support the idea that the University students should have the optional of attending classes. Follows I will present my reasons.
The first reason is that, University students are expected to have the ability to arrange their time efficiently and self control, hence they should have the freedom to choose which class is worthy to join. On the other hand, each student owns his unique personality, lifestyle and,  of course, studying type which are so different from others. So no reason all students would prefer the same classes.
In addition, this allowance either represents the school’s respect and confident to the students, encouraging them to perform better in the classes or serves the students to expense time more efficiently. Due to flexible they arrange the class and time, the students are able to obtain a better agenda. For instance, if one has a precious interview opportunity in a Monday morning clash with a history class, what could he do if he has to take part in his classes? By contrast, under the provision enable he to make a choice, the student may finish the interview first and attend a similar class later.
In conclusion, providing students the right and freedom to establish specialized class schedule will be a good idea. Not only can it encourage students to achieve better performance, but also can it make good usage of time.
再次感谢楼主！

---

作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-7-1 12:13

slave918 发表于 2015-6-30 15:48
Jobis very important for every individual, since that's where people can achievetheir goals, values, ...

问题：句子太简单了。全是  i did sth. 没有用到体现对英文复杂句式的掌握。
词汇－重复过多！
内容也很简单。没有找到好写的内容。

还需要好好学习一下。

我建议你加入我的写作团。跟着学吧。
公众微信号：evaessay

加油！

Jobis very important for every individual, since that's where people can achievetheir goals, values, or dreams. Some people contend that if they have theopportunity to get a secure job, they should take it rather than wait for a jobthat would be more satisfying－－a satisfying one; others disagree. In myview, grasping the chance of a secure job is a more wise decision. The main reason is that waiting for anotherjob which is more satisfying has a lot of risks. If people wait too long, they may lose their secure job, which they can get easily. Also, a more satisfyingjob is often more difficult to get-----[内容句型太过简单] the truth is that the long waiting will cost people the chances to get what would be a good job but leave them just the broken illusion about a seemingly desirable one in the far future. For example, when I was in the university, I planned to apply for some internships in the summer vacation to get more experience. I applied two companies, one is an accounting firm and another one is an investment bank. Of course, I was more eager to get into theinvestment bank--the latter one［内容重复太多］. The job here was more challenging and I could get more salaryand knowledges－－句型升级：challenging as it was, the knowledge i can get was immeasurable. However, I just got the offer from the accounting firm first and I needed to reply it in a week. Finally, I choose to wait. Sadly, I missedthe deadline of the offer from the accounting firm and I also didn't get theoffer from the investment bank［however, things never happens as people wishes. i just got offer from accounting firm which gave me a week to reply. stuck by such dlilemma, i foolly chose to wait patiently, finally abandoned by both work ］. That experience taught me that it is better tograsp the opportunity of getting a secure job. The second reason is that individuals canget a more satisfying job latter. Getting a secure job doesn't meanpeople need to do that job for their whole life. They can learn more specialknowledges and train their skills to increase the chances of getting a moresatisfying job latter. For instance, 5 years ago my brother, Jack, graduated.He majored inFinance and he quickly got an offerfrom a national bank. However, actually, he wanted a job in a foreignbank, since he was so interested about meeting foreigners and internationalfinancial news. Afterwards, he chose the national bank anyway. However,after he came home after work, he was so diligent. He went to his room,practicing his English reading and speaking skills. He also got the certificateof CFA. Finally, after 3 years, he changed his job to a foreign bank. Heaccomplished his goal at the end and he was so even more satisfied about hiscurrent job than before. That's why I think people should take the opportunityto get a secure job. Thus, people should grasp the opportunityof a secure job, but not wait for a more satisfying job. Taking the secure job not onlyguarantees people there are norisk, but also give the people the opportunities tofind a better job latter.Individuals shouldtake the opportunity of a secure job.

---

作者: slave918    时间: 2015-7-1 12:57

lavenderws 发表于 2015-7-1 12:13
问题：句子太简单了。全是  i did sth. 没有用到体现对英文复杂句式的掌握。
词汇－重复过多！
内容也 ...

Thanks so much

---

作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-7-2 15:14

ihqdo 发表于 2015-6-30 23:53
楼主你好，我是第一次考托，这是我的处女作文，希望能得到指点，让我了解一下我的作文在什么水平，谢谢！

...

首先字数不够。一定要300字以上才可以。
其次就是一些小的语法问题，比如出现双谓语；

整体来看，语言还是比较流畅的［句式变化也比较连贯，多样］。结构也比较清晰。

多加一些具体的内容。充实一点。





独立写作题目：
some people believe that university students should be required to attend classes. Others believe that going to classes should be optional for students.Which point of view do you agree with? Use specific reasons and details to explain your answer.
作文：
An argument is always there that［删去］ whether University students should be required to attend classes. Gladly, I support the idea that the University students should have the optional－option of attending classes. Follows I will present my reasons.

The first reason is that, University students are expected to have the ability to arrange their time efficiently and self control, hence－－不是连词，改成so  they should have the freedom to choose which class is worthy to join. On the other hand, each student owns his unique personality, lifestyle and,  of course, studying type which are so different from others. So no reason all students would prefer the same classes.

In addition, this allowance either represents the school’s respect and confident to the students, encouraging them to perform better in the classes or serves the students to expense time more efficiently. Due to flexible they arrange the class and time[这句话什么意思？], the students are able to obtain a better agenda. For instance, if one has a precious interview opportunity in a Monday morning clashing[双谓语] with a history class, what could he do if he has to take part in his classes? By contrast, under the provision enable－enabling[介词后] he－him to make a choice, the student may finish the interview first and attend a similar class later.

In conclusion, providing students the right and freedom to establish specialized class schedule will be a good idea. Not only can it encourage students to achieve better performance, but also can it make good usage of time.

再次感谢楼主！

---

作者: ihqdo    时间: 2015-7-4 17:03

lavenderws 发表于 2015-7-2 15:14
首先字数不够。一定要300字以上才可以。
其次就是一些小的语法问题，比如出现双谓语；

非常感谢！我又重新写了一下。
请问你觉得这样的作文大概是多少分的水平呢？

In rencent years, a controversy that whetheruniversity students should have the option to attend class or not has beentalking more and more often. Honestly to say, I will vote for the latter ideathat the university students should have the freedom to decide which classesthey will join. For when I was in college, I did it so. I chose to attend only partof the curriculum depending on the teacher’s style, my interest and the progressI followed. Why did I do this? I will explain my reasons as follows.

A primary reason is that university students are believed self-control and are capable of making fair decision. These elites  have studied very hard in the high school and finallyachieved the goal to enter a university, so they should know how precious theopportunity it is to learn more in university. University’s library provides abundantbooks, the professors are knowledgeable, and the classmates are so brilliant. Allof these serve the students a perfect circumstance to pursuit higher knowledgelevel. Therefore, as these self-control people are now in a wonderful placethey struggled to enter in, they can make a fine chose. Also, permitting students toselect classes presents the school’s respect and confident with theseindividuals, which encourages them to perform better.

You may ask if these students are eager to fullyuse all the facilities of the university, why do they need to quit some classes?Why don’t they attend all the classes? Another reason follows. Students needuse time efficiency and flexible class attending provide this possibility.Nowadays university students engaged in various activities, besides curriculum,such as social events, charity programes and interviews. It is very probably onehas two or three activities   to take part at same time, clashing with class.In another hand, lectures in university usually repeat in routines, which  allowthe student to take them in another more proper time. Under condition like this,a flexible class attending principle solves the dilemma of the students. Inaddition, each student is so different from others, prohibiting his interest,study style and rate of progress. Everyone deserves a specific/exclusive schedule.

So to sum up, providing students the freedom tochoose classes enhances the students’ performance and supplies an possibilityto spend time more efficiency. To tell the truth, even I dropped a few coursesin my college; I gained both a better score and a better intern position in a famouscompany than most of my classmates who joined all the classes.  

---

作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-7-4 22:01

ihqdo 发表于 2015-7-4 17:03
非常感谢！我又重新写了一下。
请问你觉得这样的作文大概是多少分的水平呢？

看到标记的词汇，句型太重复了。
最好能多找几个不同话题的作文写写。这个题目比较简单。

欢迎加入我的托福写作团。每天每月考试的机井，分成不同话题，给词汇素材，布置写作任务。

公众微信号：evaessay.

In rencent years, a controversy that whetheruniversity students should have the option to attend class or not has been talking more and more often. Honestly to say, I will vote for the latter ideathat the university students should have the freedom to decide which classesthey will join. For when I was in college, I did it so. I chose to attend only partof the curriculum depending on the teacher’s style, my interest and the progressI followed. Why did I do this? I will explain my reasons as follows.

A primary reason is that university students are believed self-control and are capable of making fair decision. These elites  have studied very hard in the high school and finallyachieved the goal to enter a university, so they should know how precious theopportunity it is to learn more in university. University’s library provides abundantbooks, the professors are knowledgeable, and the classmates are so brilliant. Allof these serve the students a perfect circumstance to pursuit higher knowledgelevel. Therefore, as these self-control people are now in a wonderful placethey struggled to enter in, they can make a fine chose. Also, permitting students toselect classes presents the school’s respect and confident with theseindividuals, which encourages them to perform better.

You may ask if these students are eager to fullyuse all the facilities of the university, why do they need to quit some classes?Why don’t they attend all the classes? Another reason follows. Students needuse time efficiency and flexible class attending provide this possibility.Nowadays university students engaged in various activities, besides curriculum,such as social events, charity programes and interviews. It is very probably onehas two or three activities   to take part at same time, clashing with class.In another hand, lectures in university usually repeat in routines, which  allowthe student to take them in another more proper time. Under condition like this,a flexible class attending principle solves the dilemma of the students. Inaddition, each student is so different from others, prohibiting his interest,study style and rate of progress. Everyone deserves a specific/exclusive schedule.

So to sum up, providing students the freedom tochoose classes enhances the students’ performance and supplies an possibilityto spend time more efficiency. To tell the truth, even I dropped a few coursesin my college; I gained both a better score and a better intern position in a famouscompany than most of my classmates who joined all the classes.

---

作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-7-4 22:03

ihqdo 发表于 2015-7-4 17:03
非常感谢！我又重新写了一下。
请问你觉得这样的作文大概是多少分的水平呢？

分数22分左右

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作者: ihqdo    时间: 2015-7-5 10:36

lavenderws 发表于 2015-7-4 22:03
分数22分左右

你好老师，已经收听了公众号并且参团了。希望能把作文提高到28分

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作者: twilighter123    时间: 2015-7-9 14:53
TPO24.
One of the best ways that parents can help their teenagers prepare for adult life is to encourage them to take a part-time job.

When it comes to raising children to be prepared to a crule and entertained society, getting them through teenagers to adults could always be tough as this is one of the most important transitions for those chridren as well as for their parents. However，the case galvanizes a discussion  about the best method to encourage them. Some state that taking those children to go travel around the world would be the best way to form the real adults by solving problem through the journey, planning the blueprint routes for the next morning trip, and cooperating with teamates to get to the destinations planned on time without delay.Others, however, are in the favor of by reading, studying, or even getting a part-time job. To be honest, I agree the statement that a part-time job help fomulate and prepare for a healthy adulthood.
Gaining confidence is of vitality among human being no matter which life pattern you are in, especially for teenangers. As we all know that getting a part-time job is the first step to open your social life, as the metophor for entering a real society. In doing the part-time job, teenagers are realizing that now it is the time to make connections with collegues and customers around. For instance, my 16-year-old sister works as a waitress in a French restaurant which is super popular among those English speaking oriented foreign costermers, and it is obvious to see what a unfamiliar brand new environment is to my sister, but after working for a few weeks in that canteen, she told me that how embarrassed she was in the first day and now she is fluent in chatting with all those customers she has served, which i am so proud of her huge shift from a shy girl to a sunshine girl with her confident smiles.
To prepare a child for an adult life is to motivate to take a part-time job, on of the advantages of doing so encourage the child to develop social interactions with others from different backgrounds, learning some valuable lessons from the temporary working experience eventually. taking the English courses as well, my younger sister now is superior at oral speaking compared with her peers in the class due to the atmosphere the working palce provided. What is more, she has already made a bunch of foreign friends she met in the canteen and bond a firm social interactions with them by sending emails during the holiday such as Christmas. Therefore, I found the part-time job is playing an important role in her and indeed encourages her to be socialable.
A minor point i would like to add for the merit that working teenagers can gain is earning some loaf money and reliefing the a little financial burden left by their parents.  Working teenagers have disposal to spend and will always be thankful to their parents who work permanantly for their hard work, swearing no waste of money compulsively, because they have realized the unease to accumulate money earned by themselves.
Above all, Taking a part-time job should be firmly encouraged and supported among teenagers and their guildances, parents for its countless advance the job brings to them in trading labor for unforgettable lessons they can learn in working.

---

作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-7-9 15:52

twilighter123 发表于 2015-7-9 14:53
TPO24.
One of the best ways that parents can help their teenagers prepare for adult life is to enco ...

总的来说。语言还好。能做到句型的灵活使用；词汇有些刻意使用高频词的倾向。

但是，最重要的问题是：

1. 跑题。并没有证明为什么 做兼职工作 是为未来准备的 最好方法。
2. 内容举例上重复。所以词汇到后面就重复了。


建议：1. 多练习解题；2.各种 论证方式都要熟悉。

针对写作没有内容写，可以加我的公众微信号：evaessay . 参加到每个月都有的托福写作团。每天 给素材＋响应题目，给你们有针对地练习提升。

加油！



TPO24.
One of the best ways that parents can help their teenagers prepare for adult life is to encourage them to take a part-time job.

When it comes to raising children to be prepared to a crule and entertained society, getting them through teenagers to adults could always be tough as this is one of the most important transitions for those chridren as well as for their parents. However，the case galvanizes a discussion  about the best method to encourage them. Some state that taking those children to go travel around the world would be the best way to form the real adults by solving problem through the journey, planning the blueprint routes for the next morning trip, and cooperating with teamates to get to the destinations planned on time without delay.Others, however, are in the favor of by reading, studying, or even getting a part-time job. To be honest, I agree the statement that a part-time job help fomulate and prepare for a healthy adulthood.

Gaining confidence is of vitality among human being no matter which life pattern you are in, especially for teenangers. As we all know that getting a part-time job is the first step to open your social life, as the metophor for entering a real society. In doing the part-time job, teenagers are realizing that now it is the time to make connections with collegues and customers around. For instance, my 16-year-old sister works as a waitress in a French restaurant which is super popular among those English speaking oriented foreign costermers, and it is obvious to see what a unfamiliar brand new environment is to my sister, but after working for a few weeks in that canteen, she told me that how embarrassed she was in the first day and now she is fluent in chatting with all those customers she has served, which i am so proud of her huge shift from a shy girl to a sunshine girl with her confident smiles. 这段并没有比较为什么做兼职工作是建立自信最重要的。


To prepare a child for an adult life is to motivate to take a part-time job ［删去。啰嗦］, on of the advantages of doing so encourage the child to develop social interactions with others from different backgrounds, learning some valuable lessons from the temporary working experience eventually.－这一都是逗号连接的大长句子啊。也没有体现出为什么兼职工作是最重要的方式。 taking the English courses as well, my younger sister now is superior at oral speaking compared with her peers in the class due to the atmosphere the working palce provided. What is more, she has already made a bunch of foreign friends she met in the canteen and bond a firm social interactions with them by sending emails during the holiday such as Christmas. Therefore, I found the part-time job is playing an important role in her and indeed encourages her to be socialable［跑题了啊。怎么又说道交朋友和英语上了了？这段的中心是在 价值观上。］.

A minor point i would like to add for the merit that working teenagers can gain is earning some loaf money and reliefing the a little financial burden left by their parents.  Working teenagers have disposal to spend and will always be thankful to their parents who work permanantly for their hard work, swearing no waste of money compulsively, because they have realized the unease to accumulate money earned by themselves.－－－－跟题目完全不符啊～


Above all, Taking a part-time job should be firmly encouraged and supported among teenagers and their guildances, parents for its countless advance the job brings to them in trading labor for unforgettable lessons they can learn in working.

---

作者: twilighter123    时间: 2015-7-9 15:52
Tpo 28综合写作

In the lecture the professor disproves the evidences provided by the reading material stating that Peary once had been to the North Pole. the professor finds them not solid evidence and not convincing enough to support the report writer. She then lists three main points to counterpart those evidences.
Firstly, even though the reading asserts that the NGS constituted a committee to conduct a research about Peary's records and equipment, the professor claims that the committee was unbiased because those members were closed friends with Peary and were the only source to fund him money to go explore. Therefore, the committee were not trustworthy to support the truth Peary had been to North Pole.
Additionally, in spite of the statement in the passage that a recent expedition spends the same amount of time as that of P did to reach North Pole, the professor disproves that these two voyages are in different ways and points out that Tom's ship was far more lighter than P's due to the drop of food from the ship. So the conditions compared by the two are unfavorable.
Finally, the writer insists that it is convincing to show the photo of the exact surface position that Peary was in. On the contrary, the professor argues that although photo is an evidence, techniques depened on the shadows should be viewd precisely. What is more, the photo was taken a hundred years ago with unfocused and fuzz mark,which was worn out and faded to the accuracy. Thus, the reading material is jeopardized by the professor in the lecture.

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作者: tony4824    时间: 2015-7-30 01:42
With the remarkable progress of people's living standard, how to spending the money seems to be a dispensable of people's lives. As we know,adults should learn how to manage thier money. But when it is comes to whether the children should manage their money or not, people get into a dilemma.I think not only adults , but children should learn how to spend their money in a more effective way, which will teach children to be more independent, and more responsible for themselves.

Firstly, children can find it is hard for their parents to earn money by learn how to manage their own money, which will teach them to be more responsible for themselves. By teaching them how to manage their own money, children will find it is not easy for their parents to work and earn money so that they can be more polite and thankful to their parents , which will make them to be a more reoponsible adults later.

In addition, by learning how to manage their own money, children will pay more attention to the products that they will buy, and their will make a chioce about it. For instance, if a child want to buy a toy, a book and a CD at the same time, but he can only afford one of them, so he will try to find which it most important for him to buy instead of asking his parents to buy all to him. When he become an adult, he already gain the ability to make a slection about how to choose a more important things to do it first instead of having no idea about what to do and asking someone else for help. So this behavior will help him to become a financially responsible adults.

Last but not least, even though some people might say that it is hard for the children to learn how to manage their money since they are at thier young age. But I think this can make them pay more attention to their life that worth cherishing. And they can be more responsible when they become an adult.

To put in a nutshell, it is useful for children to manage their own money at a young age, since they will be more financially responsible in later life.

---

作者: tony4824    时间: 2015-7-30 01:45
还有3天考托福，麻烦大神指点下，跪谢
Topic
In order to become financially responsible adults ,children should learn to manage their own money at their young age .
With the remarkable progress of people's living standard, how to spending the money seems to be a dispensable of people's lives. As we know,adults should learn how to manage thier money. But when it is comes to whether the children should manage their money or not, people get into a dilemma.I think not only adults , but children should learn how to spend their money in a more effective way, which will teach children to be more independent, and more responsible for themselves.

Firstly, children can find it is hard for their parents to earn money by learn how to manage their own money, which will teach them to be more responsible for themselves. By teaching them how to manage their own money, children will find it is not easy for their parents to work and earn money so that they can be more polite and thankful to their parents , which will make them to be a more reoponsible adults later.

In addition, by learning how to manage their own money, children will pay more attention to the products that they will buy, and their will make a chioce about it. For instance, if a child want to buy a toy, a book and a CD at the same time, but he can only afford one of them, so he will try to find which it most important for him to buy instead of asking his parents to buy all to him. When he become an adult, he already gain the ability to make a slection about how to choose a more important things to do it first instead of having no idea about what to do and asking someone else for help. So this behavior will help him to become a financially responsible adults.

Last but not least, even though some people might say that it is hard for the children to learn how to manage their money since they are at thier young age. But I think this can make them pay more attention to their life that worth cherishing. And they can be more responsible when they become an adult.

To put in a nutshell, it is useful for children to manage their own money at a young age, since they will be more financially responsible in later life.

---

作者: tony4824    时间: 2015-7-30 01:46
还有3天考托福，麻烦大神指点下啊，跪谢
The reading and the listening passage have a debate on whether these meausres can stop the spread of the cane toad in Australia or not. The writer points out three reasons that these measures can make it, which are weakened by the following lecture.
Firstly, the writer claims that one way to stop the spread of the toad is building a national fence. Because the fence can block the toads from entering the parts of Australia. However , the professor says that since young toads can move by steam and waterway, it is not effective to prevent them by this meathod.
Addtionally, the author holds that they can find volunteers to capture and destroy the toads. Because it is easy for the volunteers to catch these toads by hands. In contract, the  speaker states that , by doing this , it is easy for them to harm those animals that are in danger, since it is hard for those volunteers to distinguish these animals.
Finally, the wirter holds that they can develop a virus to control the population of the toads, which is contradicted by the professor who says that it will cause a diasater to the toads in USA if they develop a virus to control the population of toads , since these virus can be carried by some reptiles to USA , the place where toads are a native species in USA.

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-7-30 21:00

tony4824 发表于 2015-7-30 01:46
还有3天考托福，麻烦大神指点下啊，跪谢
The reading and the listening passage have a debate on whether ...

同学，综合写作这种作文就不用发上来了吧。网上都有范文的。你自己查一下。
评分标准：1. 阅读观点；2。听力观点＋听力细节 都写上了。3. 表达清晰。没有语法错误。
你的听力细节写得少了。

独立写作需要练习和素材，可以加我的公众微信号：evaessay. 有地道英语素材和托福写作团。



The reading and listening materials have a conflict of opinions about how to control the population of cane toads。The writer puts forward three solutions/ ways/ measures (to solve/ ease the problem)，which is contradicted by the following lecture.

　　Firstly, the author suggests that a national fence should be built. However, the lecture opposes this suggestion by saying that young toads and toad eggs are found in rivers and streams that would carry them to the other side, no matter where the fence is built / regardless of the fence. As a result, the population will continue to grow.

　　Secondly, the passage proposes that volunteers can trap and destroy cane toads. However, the speaker views this issue from an opposite angle. According to her/him, untrained volunteers tend to inadvertently destroy endangered frogs since it is hard to distinguish (tell A apart from B) them when they are young.

　　The third measure (proposed by the writer) is to develop a disease-causing virus. By contrast, in accordance with the professor, this method does not hold water. It is because cane toads (infected by the virus) would be transported to Americas (where the local cane toad is a vital part of the ecosystem). Once the virus attacks them, the local ecosystem would suffer.

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作者: tony4824    时间: 2015-7-31 02:21
   独立写作麻烦看下 Topic
In order to become financially responsible adults ,children should learn to manage their own money at their young age .
With the remarkable progress of people's living standard, how to spending the money seems to be a dispensable of people's lives. As we know,adults should learn how to manage thier money. But when it is comes to whether the children should manage their money or not, people get into a dilemma.I think not only adults , but children should learn how to spend their money in a more effective way, which will teach children to be more independent, and more responsible for themselves.

Firstly, children can find it is hard for their parents to earn money by learn how to manage their own money, which will teach them to be more responsible for themselves. By teaching them how to manage their own money, children will find it is not easy for their parents to work and earn money so that they can be more polite and thankful to their parents , which will make them to be a more reoponsible adults later.

In addition, by learning how to manage their own money, children will pay more attention to the products that they will buy, and their will make a chioce about it. For instance, if a child want to buy a toy, a book and a CD at the same time, but he can only afford one of them, so he will try to find which it most important for him to buy instead of asking his parents to buy all to him. When he become an adult, he already gain the ability to make a slection about how to choose a more important things to do it first instead of having no idea about what to do and asking someone else for help. So this behavior will help him to become a financially responsible adults.

Last but not least, even though some people might say that it is hard for the children to learn how to manage their money since they are at thier young age. But I think this can make them pay more attention to their life that worth cherishing. And they can be more responsible when they become an adult.

To put in a nutshell, it is useful for children to manage their own money at a young age, since they will be more financially responsible in later life.

---

作者: Myjing    时间: 2015-7-31 17:43
求老师指点，万分感谢！！！！

Some people say that teachers and parents should decide what assignment or activities children should do after school. Others say that children should make these decisions on their own. Which view do you agree with and why?  


When I was young, I was forced to take piano lessons after school. But I preferred to participate in soccer club and play soccer with my friends. I felt upset and couldn’t develop interest in playing the piano, thus wasting the precious time in the piano lessons. In the end, my parents had to cancel my piano lessons and lost a large amount of money. This experience makes me realize that children should make their own decisions on what assignment or activities to do after school.
First of all, Einstein once said, ”Interest is the best teacher”. Children will learn better when they are interested in what they are learning. If I had decided to take soccer club and practiced soccer every day, I would have been strong and highly skilled, been enrolled in our soccer team, represented my school to compete with other teams in the field, and finally won a cup for my team. But now, I can only be an audience for the school team and cheer for the players on the audience seat. Apparently, children should make own decisions to choose the afterschool activities because they can learn more in the activity they are interested in.
In addition, the importance of the skill of making decisions to the development of a person can never be exaggerated in this competitive society. The earlier we start, the better outcome we receive. Therefore, the capability of making decisions should be developed in childhood. In this sense, let children decide which activities or assignment to do after school is one of the best ways to cultivate their capability of making decisions. Making decisions on their own not only teach children how to be independent and responsible but also teach them how to schedule time. On the one hand, once children choose one activity, they should learn to accept the outcome and be responsible to their decision, whether it is good or bad. On the other hand, they should learn to manage time efficiently, completing both curricular assignment and extracurricular assignment not only on time but also in a good quality.
In conclusion, being allowed to choose what they prefer to do brings children many benefits. Only children make decisions by themselves will they acquire more knowledge, enjoy activities more and develop the skills of decision-making and time management more quickly. For these reasons, I recommend that children make their own decisions on what activities or assignment to do after school.

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-8-1 10:24

Myjing 发表于 2015-7-31 17:43
求老师指点，万分感谢！！！！

Some people say that teachers and parents should decide what assignmen ...

总的来说，句型简单，词汇有些重复。尤其是第三段，内容比较罗素。提升：增加内容；掌握文段展开的方法；提升句型的多样性。

欢迎加入 我的 托福写作团。提供素材和复习计划。我的个人微信号：eva-essay


Some people say that teachers and parents should decide what assignment or activities children should do after school. Others say that children should make these decisions on their own. Which view do you agree with and why?  


When I was young, I was forced to take piano lessons after school. But I preferred to participate in soccer club and play soccer with my friends. I felt upset and couldn’t develop interest in playing the piano, thus wasting the precious time in the piano lessons. In the end, my parents had to cancel my piano lessons and lost a large amount of money. This experience makes me realize that children should make their own decisions on what assignment or activities to do after school.
First of all, Einstein once said, ”Interest is the best teacher”. Children will learn better when they are interested in what they are learning. If I had decided to take soccer club and practiced soccer every day, I would have been strong and highly skilled, been enrolled in our soccer team, represented my school to compete with other teams in the field, and finally won a cup for my team.［虚拟语气，本可以用得不错。但是并列太多了。句型就简单了。］ But now, I can only be an audience for the school team and cheer for the players on the audience seat.［加一个感叹句：how regretful i felt］ Apparently, children should make own decisions to choose the afterschool activities because they can learn more in the activity they are interested in.[变成 强调句：it is children who should .....]

In addition, the importance of the skill of making decisions to the development of a person can never be exaggerated in this competitive society. The earlier we start, the better outcome we receive. Therefore, the capability of making decisions should be developed in childhood. In this sense, let children decide which activities or assignment to do after school is one of the best ways to cultivate their capability of making decisions. Making decisions on their own not only teach children how to be independent and responsible but also teach them how to schedule time. On the one hand, once children choose one activity, they should learn to accept the outcome and be responsible to their decision［啰嗦了。be responsible for ］, whether it is good or bad. On the other hand, they should learn to manage time efficiently, completing both curricular assignment and extracurricular assignment not only on time but also in a good quality. [啰嗦了。可以开始写例子了。不要重复说自己的解释，导致词汇和句型也重复了。]


In conclusion, being allowed to choose what they prefer to do brings children many benefits. Only children make decisions by themselves will they acquire more knowledge, enjoy activities more and develop the skills of decision-making and time management more quickly. For these reasons, I recommend that children make their own decisions on what activities or assignment to do after school.

---

作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-8-1 22:25

tony4824 发表于 2015-7-31 02:21
独立写作麻烦看下 Topic
In order to become financially responsible adults ,children should learn t ...

很明显的是：不知道如何展开观点和论证观点；话都比较重复。
需要学习好的解题思路＋论证方法＋写作素材的输入。


欢迎加入我的 托福写作团；给你地道的素材＋科学的复习计划＋群里小伙伴的督促。
公众微信号：evaessay.



In order to become financially responsible adults ,children should learn to manage their own money at their young age .

With the remarkable progress of people's living standard, how to spending－spend the money seems to be a dispensable part of people's lives. As we know,adults should learn how to manage thier money. But when it is comes to whether the children should manage their money or not, people get into a dilemma.I think not only adults , but children should learn how to spend their money in a more effective way, which will teach children to be more independent, and more responsible for themselves.

Firstly, children can find it is hard for their parents to earn money by learn how to manage their own money, which will teach them to be more responsible for themselves. By teaching them how to manage their own money, children will find it is not easy for their parents to work and earn money so that they can be more polite and thankful to their parents , which will make them to be a more reoponsible adults later.－－这个论证没有展开哦～ 只是在重复观点哦

In addition, by learning how to manage their own money, children will pay more attention to the products that they will buy, and their will make a chioce about it.－－they will learn how to weigh things and make wiser chocies. For instance, if a child want to buy a toy, a book and a CD at the same time, but he can only afford one of them, so he will try to find which it most important for him to buy instead of asking his parents to buy all to him. When he become an adult, he already gain the ability to make a slection about how to choose a more important things to do it first instead of having no idea about what to do and asking someone else for help. So this behavior will help him to become a financially responsible adults.

Last but not least, even though some people might say that it is hard for the children to learn how to manage their money since they are at thier young age. But I think this can make them pay more attention to their life that worth cherishing. And they can be more responsible when they become an adult.

To put in a nutshell, it is useful for children to manage their own money at a young age, since they will be more financially responsible in later life.

---

作者: fadeday    时间: 2015-8-11 21:41
感谢分享！               

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作者: slave918    时间: 2015-8-16 16:03
正在练习body paragraph,所以只写了中间两段。自己修改了一些拼写和语法了已经，多谢。

Agree or disagree:
Always telling the truth will is the most important consideration in any relationship between people.

First, exhibiting candour is goanna really hurt your friends, families, and your lover. Honesty is really cold, and not considerable for the people that you really care about. Of course you don't want them to be painful about your honesty. For example, one of my friends, Evan, is a gay. A few years ago, he was really reluctant about whether to share his authentic felling with his parents. He wanted his parents' support, but his parents were totally traditional. His mother also had heart disease, making her fragile in front of surprises. Anyway, my friend told it, but in a painful process. His parents just couldn't take that abject fact. His mother went hospital for 3 months and his father went into a deep depression. Although they accepted that truth in the end, this faimily made huge sacrifice. Thus, I learned from this story that always telling the truth is not the most important consideration in a relationship.

Second, love is the most important consideration in a relationship, not honesty. When you truly care about someone and want to bring him or her happiness, you will understand honesty is not the tool to make such effect. Only love can make the interaction between people harmony and happy. For instance, I have a friend, named Jack. He has been really good to me for many years. He is one of my real friends and I also care about him. However, sometimes trying to protect him, I have to make some white lie. Once he invited me to go to a dinner with him, but I didn't want to go because I enjoyed playing computer game recently. Of course, I shouldn't exhibit the candour and said the truth. I told him I was very busy, since I had a lot of works to do. If I told the truth, we might not be as close as we are now. Thus, honesty not means caring. People shouldn't always tell the truth.  

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作者: tianxiadiyiquan    时间: 2015-8-16 17:52
Some people think that it is an important part of a child's education to go on a field trip(for example,museums),other people think a child's time is better spent learning in a classroom at school.Which do you prefer?
Nowadays, the education of the youngsters has become increasly significant not only for the child and youth themselves as well as their parent but also for even the entire society as the youth has become the hope the the whole nation and is well-related with the future of the nation even the entire globe. Hence, naturally, even the strifle concerning which kind of teaching methodology is better, the schooling in a narrow classroom or the parenting throughout a tarafic trip is also been argued.
As far as I am concerned, the parenting during the spelendid trip is , definately, weigh more than the other way. First and foremost, youngsters can easily experience the journey at ease just for the sake of the involvement of their parents, which will create a relaxed atmosphere for them to be integrated in the journey. As a result , they may learn knowledge more efficiently. On the other hand, to be a member of a schooling, in which force-feed the students is always a part of the teaching, the creativity could be dampened and the imagination might be constrained. That is to say, compared to the trip with the participation of the parents, the test-oriented education weigh less weight.
Additionally, to travel with parents, which is a well-aquainted way for the youth, will benefit them upon the soundness of their psychology. On the contrary, studing in a classroom will be harmful for the well-being of their mental due to the existance of the peer pressure, the test pressure and the homework pressure and so on so forth.
Finally, it must be a fact that students in school must get touched with masses of compulsory courses , which might be disgusted by them, which in turn demostrates that the time devote to the courses that are really stimulating or interested by the youth must be constrained. The abound of the umemployment rate in China with the well-spread of tertiary education has somewhat revealed that the increase of the compulsory course represents the homogeneous of the education itself, which will virtually do harm to the future of the graduates. On the other hand, travel with parents will create children such a chance for them to get touched with knowledge that they are really absorbed in, which will add to the difference between the graduates. As a result, more specialists can be touched in the society with the decrease of the homogeneous which is good for the decent of the employment level.
楼主可以帮忙看一下这篇文章哪里有问题吗？多谢

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作者: liteng2125    时间: 2015-8-17 09:46
希望NN指点迷津！
题： Do  you  agree  or  disagree:  students  who  keep  their  rooms  neat  and
organized  will  be  more  likely  to  succeed  than  students  who  do  not.

Recently there is a popular topic among students:is the habit of keeping the rooms neat and organized related to success? The answers vary from one person to another. Some hold that this habit is beneficial for success, while the others do not think so. From my perspective, students keeping their rooms clean and organized are more likely to be successful than the ones who do not have the habit. My viewpoint is based on following reasons.

In the first place, students keeping their rooms clean and well organized tend to do things in  good order. They will bring this habit into their work and study, which allows them to work and study efficiently. Thanks to the habit of making things in order, students are more likely to achieve a goal step by step, instead of wasting time thinking and confusing. My friend Jeff serves as a perfect example. As an university student, Jeff,after getting up in the morning, used to sweep the floor of the dormitory, open the windows to get fresh air, and put the books together on his desk. With this habit even today, Jeff becomes the manager of a investment bank , the success attributes to his scheduled lifestyle for the simple reason that the works in a investment bank are so complex that you have to finish them in good order . It seems clear to me that the habit of keeping things in order increases the possibility of success.

Second, a student who often cleans up his or her room is usually self-disciplined and self-discipline is an essential character shared by almost all successful people. And cleaning the rooms is a good start for students to overcome laziness. For instance, my brother Ted was lazy and always left home with his room messy. This weakness was everywhere in his life, work and study, which made him fail to pass the exams and delayed his promotion. When he realized the importance of getting this weakness away, Ted started from making his room tidy. Though boring and tiring, he insists on the habit for several months and becomes more diligent and hardworking in his life, which allows him to pass the exams and get promotion. So, it is the habit of keeping the room tidy that benefits Ted’s success.

Admittedly, a good habit turns out to be an obstacle if one pays excessive attention to it. For example, what if a person spends majority of his or her time on cleaning the room and keeps anyone from ruining his room? It is impossible for this person to have a good management of time and strengthen social relationship. However, this problem would never happen if we keep the habit in a reasonable range. Therefore, I still believe that the habit of keeping rooms clean and organized has a lots to do with being successful.

Thus, with the benefits mentioned above, such as managing life in order and making students self-disciplined, keeping rooms tidy and well organized aids students achieving success.

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作者: Maximus1993    时间: 2015-8-17 10:16
正在练习TPO22独立写作，麻烦楼主帮看看
topic: Teacher should not make their social and political views known to students in classroom

While it may be true that the teacher share his or hers view of society and politics in the class do have some benefits, its negative effects surpass its value. In fact, I would contend that it’s reasonable to refrain teachers to express their social and political view in the class.

Hardly could we deny that, teachers’ demonstrating their views over politic and society do have very good informative use. Especially when student now are largely focusing on the academic learning, sports and computer games, they should be kept informed about the issues of the society and political events. And the teacher’s expression and views regarding these issues are proper way to drag student’s attention from the recreation and help them to develop a good habit to care about the society and political issues. My math teacher usually gave his feeling about the political news in class, and he encourage us to spend more time on knowing the world rather than waste on the computer games.

However we can’t recklessly say that it is safe to make teacher to feel free to express their thought about the social issues. Such behaviors will take up the proper time originally should be used to teach and stress the knowledge and points on the class, which will help students better their understanding and help them get a good grades. In fact, according the recent research, about 65 percent of teacher and professors like to share their view about social issues during the class. And 80 percent of them has influenced the regular teaching process. At the same time, Classroom is a place mainly for academic learning. Teachers’ over devotion into expressing their feeling and view about social issues will definitely bother teaching efficiency. These talk and conversation are welcome after class.

Meanwhile, for students have not get enough judgement, the teachers’ view tend to bias their thought. Teacher’s expressions only stand for one kind of view, however it is easily accepted and agreed by the students. Students views their teachers to be authoritive, and actually being compressed to take the views they don’t even sense. Thus, the students abilities to think by themselves, which is the most precious virtue, will be harmed.

Based on the reasons I presented above, I hold the view that although with some benefits, teachers’ expressions about their views regarding political and social issues should be banned in class.

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作者: caspar_lee    时间: 2015-8-18 20:20
TPO1 独立写作 “体育与社会活动应不应该得到与课程和图书馆同等的资助”
Nowadays, with the enrichment of sports equipments and social activities, the living standard on campus has been greatly improved. Students put their energy and passion not only on studying but also on other events, and among the most popular activities sports and social activities become more concerned than before for they enhance students' general quality for the future career. As a result, some people say that sports and social activities should receive the same amount of financial support as the classes and libraries do. However, I can't totally agree their opinion.

Firstly, the most important role the universities play is a resource of equal access to knowledges, which are mostly provided through classes and libraries. The university's budget is limited, if the financial support distributed to sports and social activities increases to the equal level of that distributed to classes and libraries, it means that the quality of classes and libraries will turn down. For example, my university once decided to renovate the campus gym; at first we are all excited, but later there was an announcement saying that the brand new software and database we planned to use that semester would not be available due to the inadequate financial aid.

Second, the over enrichment of sports and social activities can distract students from studying. The new things on campus can always draw people's attention, especially us students for our strong curiosty. Just take myself as an example, I remembered clearly that last year the university built a new photography studio for us and I stayed there day by day focusing on my photography project. By the end of the semester, when the final came, i was totally freak out and stayed up to nearly 3 am to make up the blank I left, which would not be so hard to cover if I didn't devote so much of my time in the studio.

Admittedly, sports and social activities should get certain amount of financial support, because they are major concerns now for people has paid more attention to their both physical and mental health, but they are still very personal things for not all the students join in these activities, even those who are really into sports and various social activities do not tend to do these on campus. For instance, out of all my friends, only one goes to the recently renovated campus gym everyday for bodybuilding, and he says there are always few people there taking exercise. As for social activities, we have better resource off campus such as acadeturesmic and career workshops, which not only provides excellent lectures but also helps broaden our social web.

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作者: caspar_lee    时间: 2015-8-18 20:21
TPO 1 综合写作 （听力有缺东西，所以第三段好短）
The writer and the speaker are having a debate over the four-day workweek; the writer supports it and listed 3 possible benefits could be brought by the 4-day workweek strategy, which is rejected by the speaker.

First, the writer claims that the four-day workweek can help increasing the company's profits for the strategy decreases the workdays from 5 days to 4 days thus only four fifths of the salary should be paid by the company, though more employees would be recruited the payment would not increase. However, on accordance to the speaker's lecture, this claim can not hold water. In the lecture the speaker points out that though the salary decreases, but this strategy with more employing more freshmen probably increases the cost spent on medical care, computer purchase and adding workplace.

Moreover, the writer states that the four-day workweek strategy can lead to a higher employment rate. Somehow, the speaker also debates it by saying that the company may force the worker to extend their workweek to 5 days and place overtime on them.

Finally, the writer argues that the four-day strategy offers a better life to the employees for more free time will be available, while the speaker holds a different opinion. Considering job stability and chances to enhance
career will turn down, the speaker holds that for those who choose to work 4 days per week, not only will the promotion  be harder to get, but  the risk of being unemployed during the depression will be amplified.

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作者: nickynee    时间: 2015-8-18 23:13
准备二战托福，一战托福22，套用了模板 ，这次尝试抛弃模板，感谢楼主，希望能帮忙修改
Question: Always telling truth is the most important consideration in any relationship between people


Nowadays ,as more and more people live in the cities and we are much more closed with strangers than any previous time in the history. Then ,someone would make the question that the truth is not so much worthier than before, as people are strangers and have no responsibilities to always tell truth in order to maintain the relationship with other. However, no matter how the society trend has changed, the principle is still clear that telling lie will broke any social relationship , and the truth is precise like the gold. Therefore, this essay will tell the importance of telling the truth in the society aspect and in the family aspect.

First of all, the most serious consequence of telling a lie is that you will lose others trust. The trust of other people is definitely a key factor for living in the society. Once you tell a lie and the lie is exposed, you can never be back to the former state and no longer be the upright and trust-worthy person in their eyes. The criteria is quite important when people build relationship with others in the society such as the employee-employer relationship, the business relationship ,the partner relationship, etc. My father put his career in the decoration of buildings. He has built a good reputation in his field because he never tell a lie to his partners and clients. Since some of the project managers trust my father very well, they even never sign a contract with my father for a project that cooperate with my father. If my father had told a lie, he would lose many projects let alone get a project without contract. Therefore, telling the truth can help you won others trust, which is especially important in the business area.

Furthermore, telling truth is critical in any family relationship and love relationship. A good relationship with a family and between a couple is based on strong trust. Lying is especially harmful to any those relationship and will break the trust. To make things worse, the break of relationship will lead to the divorce of the couple and the separation of a family. As a survey shows that when those couple polled was told what is the most important factors in maintaining the relationship, containing trust, wealth, care, affection and so on, the trust ranks in the first place in the result. Therefore, we should always be careful in a family relationship to avoid tell a lie to those who we love and those who love us.

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-8-19 17:02

tianxiadiyiquan 发表于 2015-8-16 17:52
Some people think that it is an important part of a child's education to go on a field trip(for exam ...

整个题目跑题了啊～！！［这个是没有把题目看明白么？］


1. 词汇－估计是查字典了。但是字典没查明白，没有注意搭配，所以还是用错很多了。
2. 句型－句子一长，就暴露出问题了。说明对长句的掌握能力太弱了。


如果要提升词汇和内容问题，欢迎加入我的托福写作团（关注公众微信号：evaessay）。
每天布置学习内容：地道的素材输入＋科学的作业规划＋小伙伴们的监督和鼓励。

Some people think that it is an important part of a child's education to go on a field trip(for example,museums),other people think a child's time is better spent learning in a classroom at school.Which do you prefer? Nowadays, the education of the youngsters has become increasly significant not only for the child and－删去［a, b and c ］ youth themselves as well as their parent but also for even the entire society as the youth has become the hope the the whole nation and[删掉] is well-related with the future of the nation even the entire globe[太多and了，说话简洁一点]. Hence, naturally, even the strifle concerning which kind of teaching methodology is better, the schooling in a narrow classroom or the parenting throughout a tarafic trip is also been argued.所以了？你的观点是？ As far as I am concerned, the parenting during the spelendid trip is , definately, weigh more than the other way.［这怎么跟父母扯上了？是不是题目理解错了？］ First and foremost, youngsters can easily experience the journey at ease just for the sake of [词语理解错了]the involvement of their parents, which will create a relaxed atmosphere for them to be integrated in the journey. As a result , they may learn knowledge more efficiently. On the other hand, to be a member of a schooling, in which force-feed 用词不对 the students is always a part of the teaching, the creativity could be dampened and the imagination might be constrained. That is to say, compared to the trip with the participation of the parents, the test-oriented education weigh less weight.画横线的地方才是没有跑题的 Additionally, to travel with parents, which is a well-aquainted way for the youth, will benefit them upon the soundness of their psychology. On the contrary, studing in a classroom will be harmful for the well-being of their mental due to the existance of the peer pressure, the test pressure and the homework pressure and so on so forth. Finally, it must be a fact that students in school must get touched with masses－be exposed to[搭配啊！] of compulsory courses , which might be disgusted by them, which in turn demostrates that the time devote－devoted to the courses that are really stimulating or interested by the youth must be constrained.[句式杂糅哦～太多谓语动词了] The abound of the umemployment rate in China with the well-spread of tertiary education has somewhat revealed that the increase of the compulsory course represents the homogeneous of the education itself, which will virtually do harm to the future of the graduates. On the other hand, travel with parents will create children such a chance for them to get touched with knowledge that they are really absorbed in, which will add to the difference between the graduates. As a result, more specialists can be touched in the society with the decrease of the homogeneous which is good for the decent of the employment level.

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-8-19 17:26

liteng2125 发表于 2015-8-17 09:46
希望NN指点迷津！
题： Do  you  agree  or  disagree:  students  who  keep  their  rooms  ne ...

整个内容比较好，也有亮点的表达；


但是论证方法太简单，都是个人例子。所以词汇句型比较重复，啰嗦。

增加 表达多样性的 最好方式：增加内容！


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每天布置学习内容：地道的素材输入＋科学的作业规划＋小伙伴们的监督和鼓励。

跟着团走，高分在手！



希望NN指点迷津！
题： Do  you  agree  or  disagree:  students  who  keep  their  rooms  neat  and organized  will  be  more  likely  to  succeed  than  students  who  do  not.

Recently there is a popular topic among students:is the habit of keeping the rooms neat and organized related to success? The answers vary from one person to another. Some hold that this habit is beneficial for-to success, while the others do not think so--think otherwsie. From my perspective, students keeping their rooms clean and organized are more likely to be successful than the ones who do not have the habit--内容重复了：i side with the former.. My viewpoint is based on following reasons.

In the first place, students keeping their rooms clean and well organized tend to do things in  good order. They will bring this habit into their work and study, which allows them to work and study efficiently. Thanks to the habit of making things in order, students are more likely to achieve a goal step by step, instead of wasting time thinking and confusing. My friend Jeff serves as a perfect example. As an university student, Jeff,after getting up in the morning, used to sweep the floor of the dormitory, open the windows to get fresh air, and put the books together on his desk. With this habit even－till today, Jeff becomes the manager of a investment bank ,-句号 the success attributes to［不错］ his scheduled lifestyle for the simple reason that－－啰嗦了。because the works in a investment bank are so complex that you have to finish them in good order. 其实可以再具体一点。没有很好的展开 It seems clear to me that the habit of keeping things in order increases the possibility of success［不错］.

Second, a student who often cleans up his or her room is usually self-disciplined and self-discipline－which is an essential character shared by almost all successful people. And cleaning the rooms is a good start for students to overcome laziness. For instance, my brother Ted was lazy and always left home with his room messy. This weakness was everywhere in--换种高级表达tainted his life, work and study, which made him fail to pass the exams and delayed his promotion. When he realized the importance of getting this weakness away, Ted started from making his room tidy. Though boring and tiring,--语法错误:主语不一致，不能随便省略：boring and tiring as the task was he insists on-时态 the habit for several months and becomes more diligent and hardworking in his life, which allows him to 句型太过简单。his life was totally transformed. among the most extremes: passing the exams and get promotion. So, it is the habit of keeping the room tidy that benefits Ted’s success.[强调句，不错！]

Admittedly, a good habit turns out to be an obstacle if one pays excessive attention to it. For example, what if a person spends majority of his or her time on cleaning the room and keeps anyone from ruining his room? It is impossible for this person to have a good management of time and strengthen social relationship. However, this problem would never happen if we keep the habit in a reasonable range. Therefore, I still believe that the habit of keeping rooms clean and organized has a lots to do with being successful.

Thus, with the benefits mentioned above, such as managing life in order and making students self-disciplined, keeping rooms tidy and well organized aids students achieving success.

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-8-19 17:50

Maximus1993 发表于 2015-8-17 10:16
正在练习TPO22独立写作，麻烦楼主帮看看
topic: Teacher should not make their social and political vie ...

内容还可以；但是文段展开没有相关方法，比较打掉。


就是句型太重复简单了。
并列句用了太多；高级的省略句，倒装，虚拟等等没有出现。


还有些语法错误。


提升自己的语言表达，和学习更地道的写作内容和表达，欢迎加入我的托福写作团：微信公众号：evaessay.






正在练习TPO22独立写作，麻烦楼主帮看看
topic: Teacher should not make their social and political views known to students in classroom

While it may be true that the teacher share his or hers view of society and politics in the class do have some benefits, its negative effects surpass its value. In fact, I would contend that it’s reasonable to refrain teachers to express their social and political view in the class.

Hardly could we deny that, teachers’ demonstrating their views over politic and society do have very good informative use. Especially when student now are largely focusing on the academic learning, sports and computer games, they should be kept informed about the issues of the society and political events. And the teacher’s expression and views regarding these issues are proper way to drag student’s attention from the recreation and help them to develop a good habit to care about the society and political issues. My math teacher usually gave--shared his feeling about the political news in class, and he encourage us to spend more time on knowing the world rather than waste on the computer games.

However we can’t recklessly say that it is safe to make teacher to feel free to express their thought about the social issues. Such behaviors will take up the proper-golden time which originally should be used to teach and stress--impart the knowledge and points on the class, which will help--helping[句型变化一下] students better their understanding and help them［删去］ get a good grades. In fact, according the recent research, about 65 percent of teacher and professors like to share their view about social issues during the class. And 80 percent of them has influenced the regular teaching process［很重复了］. At the same time, Classroom is a place mainly for academic learning. Teachers’ over－－excessive devotion into expressing their feeling and view about social issues will definitely bother teaching efficiency. These talk and conversation are welcome after class.

Meanwhile, for students who have not get enough judgement, the teachers’ view tend to bias their thought. Teacher’s expressions only stand for one kind of view, however it is easily accepted and agreed by the students. Students views their teachers to be authoritive, and actually being--语法错误(are ) compressed to take the views they don’t even sense. Thus, the students abilities to think by themselves, which is the most precious virtue, will be harmed.

Based on the reasons I presented above, I hold the view that although with some benefits, teachers’ expressions about their views regarding political and social issues should be banned in class.

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-8-19 17:51
今天就修改到这里。
明天继续给大家改哈～

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作者: shayc    时间: 2015-8-20 11:36
题目：A/D parents should not express their disagreements to teachers if they find the teaching method is not right.



A renowned professor in China has said:” Teacher is the engineer of soul of human beings.” It’s universally acknowledged that Education do play a vital role in the development of human beings. If the education is considered as a process of building, then the method of teaching will be the way how teachers design and construct the building, thus determining how solid it is when wind and rain crushing it and when flooding it. So in my view it is necessary for parents to express their disagreements when they find the teaching method is wrong.

First of all, mistakes should be corrected before things get worse. If parents keep silent when they find their children are instructed incorrectly, students who have not formed perfect values yet and who are not capable to distinguish right from wrong might result in a bad performance by the wrong method. For example, my math teacher in my middle school always assigned too much homework for us and she would tear up our papers once our performance did not meet her requirements, thus pushing us so rapidly and heavily that we began to feel stress and pressure at that time. However, even though our parents did not appreciate her, no one standed out to communicate with her until one of my classmate finally had mental disease. So wrongdoings halted early may ultimately lead to a reduction in future cost.

Someone may argue that expressing disagreements to teachers can cause embarrassment and make the child not the focus of that teacher, just eliminating adverse influence through parents’ control at home. Actually, we all know how great the influence is teachers have on students, sometimes, even greater than their parents. I remember that my little cousin, who is still in primary school, refuted her mother using her teacher’s words. Her pet phrase is my teacher has said , which bothers her mother at some level. In this situation, of course we feel lucky if the teacher behaves well and right, otherwise, it is a disappointment. Students’ development, which can not be restarted, should be taken seriously.

However, whether the teaching method is right or wrong depends on lens through which one is looking. The definition of right teaching method has never been reached a consensus. If a parent, whose child is a typical student, disagrees with teaching method, especially when it is proper for most of the other students to apply this method, he or she should not blame this on teachers.

In short, no matter expressing or not, parents and teachers share the same destination that children can thrive with proper education healthily. As parents, they are responsible to prevent children from being misled by a serious of unsuitable teaching methods, which may have a thoughtful and long-term influence on children’s life.



求批>0<~~谢谢LZ啦～～～～

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-8-20 23:00

caspar_lee 发表于 2015-8-18 20:20
TPO1 独立写作 “体育与社会活动应不应该得到与课程和图书馆同等的资助”
Nowadays, with the enrichment o ...

整体来说，内容论证还是比较流畅的。不过分数也就22左右
1. 用词不太准确；比较简单。
2. 一般普通句型（主从；并列；单句）表熟练。
3. 但是，高级句型－虚拟语气用错。


所以需要要进入相关的句型提升。增加亮点。


欢迎关注我的微信公众号：evaessay. 参加我们的托福写作团。每天稳步提升！


TPO1 独立写作 “体育与社会活动应不应该得到与课程和图书馆同等的资助”

Nowadays, with the enrichment of sports equipments and social activities, the living standard on campus has been greatly improved. Students put their energy and passion not only on studying but also on other events, and among the most popular activities sports and social activities become more concerned than before for they enhance students' general quality for the future career. As a result, some people say that sports and social activities should receive the same amount of financial support as the classes and libraries do.--引入观点不要重复题目 However, I can't totally agree their opinion.

Firstly, the most important role the universities play is a resource of equal access to knowledges, which are mostly provided through classes and libraries. The university's budget is limited, if the financial support distributed to sports and social activities increases to the equal level of that distributed to classes and libraries, it means that the quality of classes and libraries will turn down--用词不准确：be undermined. For example, my university once decided to renovate the campus gym; at first we are-时态 all excited, but later there was an announcement saying that the brand new software and database we planned to use that semester would not be available due to the inadequate financial aid.

Second, the over-excessive enrichment of sports and social activities can distract students from studying. The new things on campus can always draw people's attention, especially us students for--of our strong curiosty. Just take myself as an example, I remembered clearly that last year the university built a new photography studio for us and I stayed there day by day focusing on my photography project. By the end of the semester, when the final came, i was totally freak out and stayed up to nearly 3 am to make up the blank I left, which would not be so hard to cover if I didn't devote so much of my time in the studio.--虚拟语气时态用错。

Admittedly, sports and social activities should get certain amount of financial support, because they are major concerns now for people has paid more attention to their both physical and mental health, but they are still very personal things for not all the students join in these activities－－［句型太简单了］ , even those who are really into sports and various social activities do not tend to do these on campus. For instance, out of all my friends, only one goes to the recently renovated campus gym everyday for bodybuilding, and he says there are always few people there taking exercise. As for social activities, we have better resource off campus such as acadeturesmic and career workshops, which not only provides excellent lectures but also helps broaden our social web.

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-8-20 23:01

slave918 发表于 2015-8-16 16:03
正在练习body paragraph,所以只写了中间两段。自己修改了一些拼写和语法了已经，多谢。

Agree or disagree ...

明天来回复你的～

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-8-20 23:02

tianxiadiyiquan 发表于 2015-8-16 17:52
Some people think that it is an important part of a child's education to go on a field trip(for exam ...

看漏了你的作文。明天回复你～

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-8-21 17:01

nickynee 发表于 2015-8-18 23:13
准备二战托福，一战托福22，套用了模板 ，这次尝试抛弃模板，感谢楼主，希望能帮忙修改
Question: Always t ...

差不多也是22分左右的样子。
看得出来受过一些训练／或者自己背过一些理论。
但是落到实处，最体现个人功力的具体论证上就露馅了。


重点在论证上：1. 总观点有些跑题。证明是否 “最重要”
                      2. 分论点上，无论是个人例子还是数据，都说得很泛泛，最直接的表现：凡是词汇和句型在重复，就是没有在具体论证，写得还不够具体


对于写作内容的提升。我认为没有具体素材的输入，以你们有限的认知，写出来就是你这样。。很简单的，很重复的。。。
可以关注我的公众微信号：evaessay; 学习写作素材；也可以加入我的托福写作团哦～




准备二战托福，一战托福22，套用了模板 ，这次尝试抛弃模板，感谢楼主，希望能帮忙修改
Question: Always telling truth is the most important consideration in any relationship between people

Nowadays ,as more and more people live in the cities and we are much more closed with strangers than any previous time in the history. Then ,someone would make the question that the truth is not so much worthier than before, as people are strangers and have no responsibilities to always tell truth in order to maintain the relationship with other. However, no matter how the society trend has changed, the principle is still clear that telling lie will broke any social relationship , and the truth is precise－valuable like the gold. Therefore, this essay will tell the importance of telling the truth in the society aspect and in the family aspect.--[其实已经跑题。题目是说“说真话是不是最重要的”－－你的观点是“说一下真话的重要性”]

First of all, the most serious consequence of telling a lie is that you will lose others trust. The trust of other people is definitely a key factor for living in the society. Once you tell a lie and［删去］ the lie ［you tell 尽量减少使用and; 多用不同的连词，体现对从句的掌握］ is exposed, you can never be back to the former state and no longer be the upright and trust-worthy person in their eyes. The criteria is quite important when people build relationship［不错］ with others in the society＝＝提升一下：用词更加精准；applys to any relationship such as the employee-employer relationship, the business relationship ,the partner relationship, etc. My father put his career in the decoration of buildings. He has built --establish[变换词汇] a good reputation in his field because he never tell a lie to his partners and clients. Since some of the project managers trust my father very well, they even never sign a contract with my father for a project that cooperate with my father.［这句写得其实比较重复；意思也没有表达清楚。没有给出具体的更多详细的内容，所以词汇重复。］ If my father had told a lie, he would  lose－would have lost many projects let alone get a project without contract.[注意虚拟语气的时态；其实意思也没有表述明白] Therefore, telling the truth can help you won others trust, which is especially important in the business area.

Furthermore, telling truth is critical in any family relationship and love relationship. A good relationship with a family and between a couple is based on strong trust. Lying is especially harmful to any those relationship and will break the trust. To make things worse, the break of relationship will lead to the divorce of the couple and the separation of a family. As a survey shows that when those couple polled was told what is the most important factors in maintaining the relationship, containing trust, wealth, care, affection and so on, the trust ranks in the first place in the result.［注意时态；］ Therefore, we should always be careful in a family relationship to avoid tell a lie to those who we love and those who love us.

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-8-21 17:24

slave918 发表于 2015-8-16 16:03
正在练习body paragraph,所以只写了中间两段。自己修改了一些拼写和语法了已经，多谢。

Agree or disagree ...

方法用得比较熟练。
但是，词汇不够精准；一些高级句型［虚拟语气］用错。
第二个例子，论证不足。没有体现love 比honesty 好在哪里。也没有看到love.


增加写作素材内容，欢迎关注我的公众微信号：evaessay; 参加我的托福写作团。




正在练习body paragraph,所以只写了中间两段。自己修改了一些拼写和语法了已经，多谢。

Agree or disagree: Always telling the truth will is the most important consideration in any relationship between people.

First, exhibiting candour is goanna really hurt your friends, families, and your lover. Honesty is really cold, and not considerable for the people that you really care about. Of course you don't want them to be painful about your honesty. For example, one of my friends, Evan, is a gay. A few years ago, he was really reluctant about whether to share his authentic felling with his parents. He wanted his parents' support, but his parents were totally traditional. His mother also had heart disease, making her fragile in front of surprises. Anyway, my friend told it－－them, but in a painful process. His parents just couldn't take that abject fact. His mother went hospital for 3 months and his father went into--fell into［用词更精准一些］ a deep depression. Although they accepted that truth in the end, this faimily made huge sacrifice. Thus, I learned from this story that always telling the truth is not the most important consideration in a relationship.

Second, love is the most important consideration in a relationship, not honesty. When you truly care about someone and want to bring him or her happiness, you will understand honesty is not the tool to make such effect. Only love can make the interaction between people harmony and happy. For instance, I have a friend, named Jack. He has been really good to me for many years. He is one of my real friends and I also care about him. However, sometimes trying to protect him, I have to make some white lie. Once he invited me to go to a dinner with him, but I didn't want to go because I enjoyed playing computer game recently－－was addicted to computer games/[用词更精准一些]. Of course, I shouldn't exhibit the candour and said the truth. I told him I was very busy, since I had a lot of works to do. If I told the truth, we might not be as close as we are now.［虚拟语气用错，对过去的虚拟：if sb. had done sth, sb. would have done. ］ Thus, honesty not means caring. People shouldn't always tell the truth.  

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-8-21 17:55

shayc 发表于 2015-8-20 11:36
题目：A/D parents should not express their disagreements to teachers if they find the teaching metho ...

思路写得有些乱。
用词不太准确；句型太重复，罗嗦。长句不是说越长越好，还是简洁，明确越好


提升自己的语言表达，和学习更地道的写作内容和表达，欢迎加入我的托福写作团：微信公众号：evaessay.

题目：A/D parents should not express their disagreements to teachers if they find the teaching method is not right.


A renowned professor in China has said:” Teacher is the engineer of soul of human beings.” It’s universally acknowledged that Education do play a vital role in the development of human beings. If the education is considered as a process of building, then the method of teaching will be the way how teachers design and construct the building, thus determining how solid it is when wind and rain crushing it and when flooding－－crush and flood it. So in my view it is necessary for parents to express their disagreements when they find the teaching method is wrong.

First of all, mistakes should be corrected before things get worse. If parents keep silent when they find their children are instructed incorrectly, students who have not formed perfect values yet and who are not capable to distinguish right from wrong might result in [导致；词语用法错误。] a bad performance by the wrong method. For example, my math teacher in my middle school always assigned too much homework for us and she would tear up our papers once－if our performance did not meet her requirements, thus pushing us so rapidly and heavily that we began to feel stress and pressure--stressed and pressured at that time. However, even though our parents did not appreciate her, no one standed out to communicate with her until one of my classmate finally had--suffered from mental disease. So wrongdoings halted early may ultimately lead to a reduction in future cost.

Someone may argue that expressing disagreements to teachers can cause embarrassment and make the child not the focus of that teacher,---estrange／ruin the relationship between teachers and children just eliminating adverse influence through parents’ control at home. Actually, we all know how great the influence is teachers have on students, sometimes, even greater than their parents. I remember that my little cousin, who is still in primary school, refuted her mother using her teacher’s words. Her pet phrase is my teacher has said , which bothers her mother at some level. In this situation, of course we feel lucky if the teacher behaves well and right, otherwise, it is a disappointment. Students’ development, which can not be restarted, should be taken seriously. [这个跟你的分论点不相关啊]
However, whether the teaching method is right or wrong depends on lens through which one is looking. The definition of right teaching method has never been reached a consensus. If a parent, whose child is a typical－－naughty student, disagrees with teaching method, especially when it is proper for most of the other students to apply this method, he or she should not blame this on teachers. ［这个根你的总观点不相符啊。。。这个让步，重点是要反驳回来哦～］

In short, no matter expressing or not, parents and teachers share the same destination that children can thrive with proper education healthily. As parents, they are responsible to prevent children from being misled by a serious of unsuitable teaching methods, which may have a thoughtful and long-term influence on children’s life.

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-8-21 17:56
这几天的作文应该都改完了～～ 呼～
有遗漏的，大家@我～

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作者: shayc    时间: 2015-8-21 22:40

lavenderws 发表于 2015-8-21 17:55
思路写得有些乱。
用词不太准确；句型太重复，罗嗦。长句不是说越长越好，还是简洁，明确越好

先谢谢LZ帮忙改啦～～～弱弱的来说下。。。 第三段是我的理由2 因为老师们对孩子的影响很大，老师的话有权威信，所以老师不对的话就会对孩子有不好的影响，所以家长要站出来说。。      第四段的话。。 我之前上课的时候老师讲过一种写法。。 就是为了使自己的观点逻辑更严谨，在主题段第三段会承认自己观点有问题但是不反驳。。。  是不同于先让步再转折驳回来的写法。。。  想问下 这种可不可以用在考试中呢？>0<...再次感谢！！

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-8-22 08:21

shayc 发表于 2015-8-21 22:40
先谢谢LZ帮忙改啦～～～弱弱的来说下。。。 第三段是我的理由2 因为老师们对孩子的影响很大，老师的话有 ...

你的第三段的分论点句 不是说 这样做会影响老师跟孩子之间的关系么？例子是用来支撑论点的哦～
不能不反驳哦～ 不然 让步段直接跟总观点相反了。这不是跑题了么。。。 逻辑上说不通哦～

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作者: shayc    时间: 2015-8-22 08:34

lavenderws 发表于 2015-8-22 08:21
你的第三段的分论点句 不是说 这样做会影响老师跟孩子之间的关系么？例子是用来支撑论点的哦～
不能不反 ...

可能是我表达的问题。。 我想说 父母觉得老师错了说出来可能会造成尴尬，老师就可能不再关注你的孩子了但是我们不能因为在这样就不说因为老师对孩子的影响很大，有时候超过父母，所以我们不说的话孩子受到老师不正确的教育是对孩子有坏处的。所以父母要说出来。。 是让步转折反驳的。。。。  谢谢LZ>0<

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-8-22 14:55

shayc 发表于 2015-8-22 08:34
可能是我表达的问题。。 我想说 父母觉得老师错了说出来可能会造成尴尬，老师就可能不再关注你的孩子了但 ...

你这样说。。。。我才看懂你的那一句话。。。。。

Someone may argue that expressing disagreements to teachers can cause embarrassment and make the child not the focus of that teacher, ［主语是什么？］just eliminating adverse influence through parents’ control at home.［不能用doing sth 主语不一致啊。这个用按照中文翻译的］ Actually,［这个反驳的语气太弱了。改成however ］ we all know how great the influence is teachers have on students, sometimes, even greater than their parents.


其次，即便是让步的观点，也需要支撑一下。即便是简单的支撑，也要说一下。
因为，凡是观点，必然论证支撑。

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作者: shayc    时间: 2015-8-22 21:26

lavenderws 发表于 2015-8-22 14:55
你这样说。。。。我才看懂你的那一句话。。。。。

Someone may argue that expressing disagreements  ...

好的～～ 谢谢LZ>o<~~~~~~~~~~~

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作者: fadeday    时间: 2015-8-26 23:38
楼主，辛苦了，麻烦帮忙看一下这篇独立作文。谢谢。
题目是：Some people prefer to live in a small town. Others prefer to live in a big city. Which place would you like to live in? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

然后我用了四十分钟写出了下面这一篇：

With all the aspects taken into consideration, I prefer to live in a small town with other people that provide fresh water and clear air to breathe, less crowed high-storied buildings and factory to live with, and good neighborhood relationship.
As far as the environment is concerned, many advantages existed in a small town. Since I have long suffered from effects of pollutants and wastes in city, the purified water and oxygen-rich air are desperately wanted for all the citizen in the industrial cities nowadays. Moreover, with the high density of population live in the city, the carbon dioxide breath out per person daily in the city raise the temperature by several degrees, not to mention the scoffing summer days. Thus, whenever it comes to a long vacation, people living in the city always thrives to travel to the countryside for the whole vacation even with the higher housing fares and transportation tickets.
In addition, as the business expanded the price of land raised all the time, space gets more and more crowded. Although the city saw the increased many-stories apartments and skyscrapers built, range of vision and sunlight have been narrowed to everyone in the city. Instead, citizen can only see the bunch of factories with chimney rolled with smoke and endless apartment filled up with all the space. It is estimated in one of statistics that people lived in the city are more likely to have mental diseases than people in small towns, such as manic depression.
What’s more important to me is that, compared to the indifferent relationship among people pacing around for their respective living, the harmonious relationship between the neighbors. Citing a Chinese saying that a close neighbor is better than a distant relative, the close neighbor can be a critical friend in some important and urgent things. Conversely, I can always heard about the news that dead corpse is found one month with strong smells came out of room, not to mention one bachelor or the old get sick alone in the apartment in the city.
For what has been discussed above, I can not agree more to live in a small town with all these advantages. All these advantages are important to me to live in an area even I may have no choice to live in the city at mean time.

---

作者: 超级西瓜鸭    时间: 2015-8-27 21:09
感谢楼主的帮助，能否麻烦楼主帮助看一下这篇独立写作呢？非常感谢您！谢谢！
do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The best way to travel is in a group led by a tour guide.

Nowadays it is common for people to suffer from the pressure of endless tasks, rigid working requirement and hustle life pace. To take a vacation from hard work and enjoy the beautiful scenery of some places of attraction could be a fascinating choice. However, whether to join a traveling group led by a tour guide is a problem. As far as I am concerned, arrange the traveling by oneself may be a better choice.

For all tour guides, they belong to a certain company and have specific plan for trips. The attractions to be visited in a city are determined by the company, while some of the places attractive may not include in the company's list. For instance, when a group visits Beijing City, as there are so many places of interest that the Summer Palace, a attraction admiring for some members of the group, is not going to be visited. However, as the tourists have signed contract with the company, nobody could not leave the group to travel by themselves, which is inconvenient for some tourist.

Apart from the attractions, the time schedule of a guide leading group is also limited. Therefore, when the tourists find a place of extreme interests, they are prohibited to spend more time there than planned. Moreover, the time schedule is usually arranged in a hustle pace to include as many attractions as possible. Although some tourists may get tired during the trip, as group members, they could not redress the rest time. Therefore, in the latter portion of the trip, these tourists may experience more tiredness than pleasure.

Last but not least, some tour guides may secretly cooperate with some merchant in the scenic spot. As a result, the tourists may be forced to attend some activities or purchase souvenirs they dislike. Personally, once in a trip to Thailand I encountered such incident, which ruined the whole trip.

Joining a tour group and leaving all the arrangements to the tour guide indeed save time and provide convenience for tourists. However, I reinforce that, traveling by oneself is a better option, as the tour guide will limit the scenic spot, restrict the time schedule and even force tourists into activities they resent.

---

作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-8-27 22:24

fadeday 发表于 2015-8-26 23:38
楼主，辛苦了，麻烦帮忙看一下这篇独立作文。谢谢。
题目是：Some people prefer to live in a small town. ...

内容不错。就是语法问题，时态问题／动词，非谓语，问题比较严重。


欢迎关注我的微信公众号:evaessay.
提供最新写作素材

楼主，辛苦了，麻烦帮忙看一下这篇独立作文。谢谢。
题目是：Some people prefer to live in a small town. Others prefer to live in a big city. Which place would you like to live in? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

然后我用了四十分钟写出了下面这一篇：

With all the aspects taken into consideration, I prefer to live in a small town with other people that provide fresh water and clear air to breathe－删去, less crowed high-storied buildings and factory to live with, and good neighborhood relationship.

As far as the environment is concerned, many advantages existed－时态 in a small town. Since I have long suffered from effects of pollutants and wastes in city, the purified water and oxygen-rich air are desperately wanted for all the citizen in the industrial cities nowadays. Moreover, with the high density of population live in the city, the carbon dioxide breath out per person daily in the city raise the temperature by several degrees, not to mention the scoffing summer days. Thus, whenever it comes to a long vacation, people living in the city always thrives to??词语用错了吧 travel to the countryside for the whole vacation even with the higher housing fares and transportation tickets.

In addition, as the business expanded the price of land raised all the time？？什么意思？, space gets more and more crowded. Although the city saw the increased many-stories apartments and skyscrapers built, range of vision and sunlight have been narrowed to everyone in the city. Instead,－－逻辑词用错。 citizen can only see the bunch of factories with chimney rolled with smoke and endless apartment filled up with all the space. It is estimated in one of statistics that people lived in the city are more likely to have mental diseases than people in small towns, such as manic depression.

What’s more important to me is that, compared to the indifferent relationship among people pacing around for their respective living, the harmonious relationship between the neighbors. Citing--accoriding to a Chinese saying that a close neighbor is better than a distant relative, the close neighbor can be a critical friend in some important and urgent things. Conversely, I can always heard about the news that dead corpse is found one month with strong smells came－coming非谓语语法 out of room, not to mention one bachelor or the old get sick alone in the apartment in the city.
For what has been discussed above, I can not agree more to live in a small town with all these advantages. All these advantages are important to me to live in an area even I may have no choice to live in the city at mean time.

---

作者: fadeday    时间: 2015-8-28 10:51

lavenderws 发表于 2015-8-27 22:24
内容不错。就是语法问题，时态问题／动词，非谓语，问题比较严重。

非常感谢楼主时间，嗯嗯，我昨晚仔仔细细看了一遍楼主评语，不少语法结构和逻辑错误。那接下来，我会根据楼主的评语，先不限时好好写完一篇文章，包括整体语法修改等。待这些错误越来越少之后，再开始限时练习。谢谢啦。再次为楼主顶一下了~~~

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作者: shayc    时间: 2015-8-29 21:36
题目：A/D the most important things people learn are from their families.


“I want to tell you a secret that will see you through all the trails life can offer: have courage and be kind.” This is last word from Cinderella’s mother to her lovely daughter. Then Cinderella keeps this principle in her mind through her whole life. Of course, family is an indispensable part in our life. While someone may argue that it is the environment that mostly influences our life. For instance, people live with poverty will be strong and persistent. When it comes to me, perhaps no issue in the world is as important as my family, which shapes my characters and values to make contribution to our society.

First of all, it is generally implied that people judge a family through the way the child behaves at the first sight. The better a child performs, the greater impression his or her family will obtain. This is mainly because parents’ osmotic influence children on ethic, habits and characters by accompanying children for most of time. If a child were a blank book, he or she would be what parents draw on it .This point can be best illustrated with the case of my classmates. Tom, whose parents have separated for family violence since he was young, is so sensitive and violent that we hardly communicate with him in afraid of getting a below. Similarly, another classmate, Mary risen up by his mother alone is prone to make boyfriend with man in forties, which is almost the same age as her father’s.

In addition, currently, being responsible is a highly desire personality in such a fast-developing and increasingly complex world. Everyone prefers to be friends with, to do business with and to marry with a responsible person. However, a sense of responsibility is not a thing can be taught but a tradition passed down from the elder. For example, my parents have dealt with family and work in a responsible way since I was a child. Never do they ask for a leave for private affair while working. Also, instead of relying on nurses, my parents take care of my grandfather by themselves in hospital. I observe their performance and require myself to do the same until it becomes a habit.

Admittedly, schools and society do help us to grow into a complete person. For instance, academic performance is largely dependent on factors such as the teaching method and assignments. But the integrated impact of education and society cannot replace the role that family plays in our life. It is our characters, values and responsibility that determines who we are and what our life purpose is.

At the end of the story, Cinderella finds her own prince. Courage and kindness, the most important personalities for her, are inherited from her mother. Indeed, even we benefit from different social experience, it is our family that turn us into helpful and responsible individuals.



谢谢LZ～～>0<~~~~~~

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-8-30 11:28

超级西瓜鸭 发表于 2015-8-27 21:09
感谢楼主的帮助，能否麻烦楼主帮助看一下这篇独立写作呢？非常感谢您！谢谢！
do you agree or disagree wi ...

写得还可以。就是要注意一下语法和词汇重复的问题。感觉字数不太够哦～
其实论证上，除了解释还有举例－－是一个增加字数，提升表达多样的最好方法。


欢迎关注我的公众微信号：evaessay. 提供地道的写作素材


感谢楼主的帮助，能否麻烦楼主帮助看一下这篇独立写作呢？非常感谢您！谢谢！
do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The best way to travel is in a group led by a tour guide.

Nowadays it is common for people to suffer from the pressure of endless tasks, rigid working requirement and hustle life pace. To take a vacation from hard work and enjoy the beautiful scenery of some places of attraction could be a fascinating choice. However, whether to join a traveling group led by a tour guide is a problem. As far as I am concerned, arrange--arranging  the traveling by oneself may be a better choice.

For all tour guides, they belong to a certain company and have specific plan for trips. The attractions to be visited in a city are determined by the company, while some of the places attractive may not include in the company's list. For instance, when a group visits Beijing City, as－删去［n个句子，n-1个连词］ there are so many places of interest that the Summer Palace, a attraction admiring-admired for some members of the group, is not going to be visited－－ususally will be ruled out due to its . However, as the tourists have signed contract with the company, nobody could not leave the group to travel by themselves, which is inconvenient for some tourist.［这句才是观点句，应该放在第一句。］

Apart from the attractions, the time schedule of a guide leading group－－表述不准确：group led by a guide is also limited. Therefore, when the tourists find a place of extreme interests, they are prohibited to spend more time there than planned. Moreover, the time schedule is usually arranged in a hustle pace to include as many attractions[重复啊] as possible. Although some tourists may get tired during the trip, as group members, they could not redress the rest time. Therefore, in the latter portion of the trip, these tourists may experience more tiredness than pleasure.

Last but not least, some tour guides may secretly cooperate with some merchant in the scenic spot. As a result, the tourists may be forced to attend some activities or purchase souvenirs they dislike. Personally, once in a trip to Thailand I encountered such incident, which ruined the whole trip.

Joining a tour group and leaving all the arrangements to the tour guide indeed save time and provide convenience for tourists. However, I reinforce that, traveling by oneself is a better option, as the tour guide will limit the scenic spot, restrict the time schedule and even force tourists into activities they resent.

---

作者: 超级西瓜鸭    时间: 2015-8-30 15:35

lavenderws 发表于 2015-8-30 11:28
写得还可以。就是要注意一下语法和词汇重复的问题。感觉字数不太够哦～
其实论证上，除了解释还有举例－ ...

谢谢楼主，请问一般要写多长呢？这篇大概在320多个字，已经超时了。。。关于微信，上面是否有些万能素材呢？

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-8-31 14:58

超级西瓜鸭 发表于 2015-8-30 15:35
谢谢楼主，请问一般要写多长呢？这篇大概在320多个字，已经超时了。。。关于微信，上面是否有些万能素材 ...

写300字以上就完全没有问题了。不用过分追求字数。

微信上的素材都是我精挑细选的很万能的素材了。
语言也很地道，很多词汇表达就是在不同的话题下，都能使用。

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作者: 超级西瓜鸭    时间: 2015-8-31 15:30

lavenderws 发表于 2015-8-31 14:58
写300字以上就完全没有问题了。不用过分追求字数。

微信上的素材都是我精挑细选的很万能的素材了。

好的，已关注，谢谢

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-8-31 15:53

shayc 发表于 2015-8-29 21:36
题目：A/D the most important things people learn are from their families.

语言还不错。
句型也有在变换
最大问题就是解题目错误，跑题了


仔细读题哦～


欢迎关注我的公众微信号：evaessay. 提供地道的写作素材。



题目：A/D the most important things people learn are from their families.


“I want to tell you a secret that will see you through all the trails life can offer: have courage and be kind.” This is last word from Cinderella’s mother to her lovely daughter. Then Cinderella keeps this principle in her mind through her whole life. Of course, family is an indispensable part in our life. While someone may argue that it is the environment that mostly influences our life. For instance, people live with poverty will be strong and persistent. When it comes to me, perhaps no issue in the world is as important as my family, which shapes my characters and values to make contribution to our society.－－同学跑题了哈。

First of all, it is generally implied that people judge a family through the way the child behaves at the first sight. The better a child performs, the greater impression his or her family will obtain. This is mainly because parents’ osmotic influence children on ethic, habits and characters by accompanying children for most of time. If a child were a blank book, he or she would be what parents draw on it－－这个用真实条件句就可以来 .This point can be best illustrated with the case of my classmates. Tom, whose parents have separated for family violence since he was young, is so sensitive and violent that we hardly communicate with him in afraid of getting a below. Similarly, another classmate, Mary risen up by his mother alone is prone to make boyfriend with man in forties, which is almost the same age as her father’s.

In addition, currently, being responsible-responsibility is a highly desire－词性用错吧;desirable personality in such a fast-developing and increasingly complex world. Everyone prefers to be friends with, to do business with and to marry with a responsible person. However, a sense of responsibility is not a thing can be taught but a tradition passed down from the elder.[这个可以算切题了。] For example, my parents have dealt with family and work in a responsible way－重复的次数太多了吧 since I was a child. Never do they ask for a leave for private affair while working－不错。倒装. Also, instead of relying on nurses, my parents take care of my grandfather by themselves in hospital. I observe their performance and require myself to do the same until it becomes a habit.

Admittedly, schools and society do help us to grow into a complete－well-rounded person. For instance, academic performance is largely dependent on factors such as the teaching method and assignments. But the integrated impact of education and society cannot replace the role that family plays in our life. It is our characters, values and responsibility that determines who we are and what our life purpose is.

At the end of the story, Cinderella finds her own prince. Courage and kindness, the most important personalities for her, are inherited from her mother. Indeed, even we benefit from different social experience, it is our family that turn us into helpful and responsible individuals.



谢谢LZ～～>0<~~~~~~

---

作者: 超级西瓜鸭    时间: 2015-8-31 19:18
对于一个话题想请教一下楼主：当家长发现老师的教育方式有误时，是否应该向老师指出？
我的想法是写应该提出 第一段讲不提出问题对孩子的成长会有伤害，第二段讲提出时应注意方式方法，含蓄的向老师传达意见，第三段作让步，提出在提出建议前要确认教育方式确实有问题，因为家长很多时候不如老师专业。
最后总结，在确定有问题，并注意提意见方式的情况下，应该提意见。

因为这个话题正反两面都感觉不太好展开，想请教楼主，如果碰到这种情况，像我这样的文章脉络合适吗？谢谢

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作者: lavenderws    时间: 2015-9-1 08:48

超级西瓜鸭 发表于 2015-8-31 19:18
对于一个话题想请教一下楼主：当家长发现老师的教育方式有误时，是否应该向老师指出？
我的想法是写应该提 ...

要注意对让步段的反驳。
你的观点是要提意见的。所以，虽然让步段写了：父母不如老师专业；但是还是要拉回你自己的观点，要反驳。
比如，还是要提。等老师来判断～～
比如，提的好处大于不提

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作者: 超级西瓜鸭    时间: 2015-9-1 11:35

lavenderws 发表于 2015-9-1 08:48
要注意对让步段的反驳。
你的观点是要提意见的。所以，虽然让步段写了：父母不如老师专业；但是还是要拉回 ...

了解了，谢谢！

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作者: cordierite    时间: 2015-9-2 11:41
130412 NA
Do agree or or disagree with the following statement? Workers would be much happier if they are doing different types of tasks doing their workday than doing the same task.

In such a time a full of competition, where people place great value on diverse skills and ability to handle multi-task, many more workers prefer to learn a variety of knowledge through doing different types of tasks rather than doing just one single mission. Doing different kinds of tasks will not only provide the workers with good mood to work, but also equip them with much higher quality prepared for hunting jobs. On this ground, I agree the statement that employees would be more satisfied to do different types of tasks during their work time.

Admittedly, doing single task can make workers more professional. We have already known from the old saying which says practice makes perfect that continue doing one thing will help you master it completely. But think about the disadvantage of doing this. Workers may feel boring about repeating the same work over and over again and end up in tiredness. This kind of tiredness could result in carelessness in their following work and cause serious damage to the company. It will be more sensible if the enterprise could allow their employees to do many different kinds of tasks.

In addition, doing various sorts of tasks can help workers maintain good moods while engaging in their jobs, which will definitely benefit both the employees and the employers. Duties will always become tedious if people continue to do them, especially in the stream-lined factory. Mechanized production process and repetition in body moves will easily drive employees insane. A typical illustration of this could be seen from the Foxconn suicide scandal. The Foxconn suicides occurred at the Foxconn City industrial park in Shenzhen, China. The 18 attempted suicides by Foxconn employees resulted in 14 deaths—the company was the world’s largest contract electronics manufacturer at the time. This terrible case is due to the dull and repeated working routine in Foxconn factory. However, if the workers are allowed to execute diverse tasks they will feel happier and more open-minded. With a broadened horizon they can view the world in different angles, which will in turn make them happier about the work they are dealing with.

Furthermore, another reason for workers’ willingness to do multi-task is that there can be some practical meaning. It is really tough to land jobs in such a fiercely competitive world, and versatility becomes one of the most essential elements for a company to hire new men. Doing different jobs will render the workers with diverse aspects of working experience, and the flexibility they have derived from doing so can be applied to future job hunting practice as well. No one will hesitate to take the offer to do more tasks if they have known there are so many advantages attached to it.

Allowing employees to do different types of tasks instead of focusing on one same task will make them feel satisfied about their jobs and help them gain more confidence. Also, the company itself could be benefited from the improvement of working efficiency. Maybe it is time for industries to adjust their production pattern and let employees choose to do as many kinds of jobs as they can handle.

求批改 谢谢楼主~

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