ChaseDream

标题: Linda 的写作20148月作文季求互改 [打印本页]

作者: mygirlzini 时间: 2014-8-27 15:16
标题: Linda 的写作20148月作文季求互改
With the increasing number of cars in inner city area for the last decades, the probem of parking have been pointed out sharply. It has become common that people drive half an hour just to look for a place parking their cars. If it is easy to park or not around the workplace has been taken into consideration when i comes to buy a new car. Constructing large car parks around the city centre and a public transport net work could greatly help to reduce the intensity of parking shortage.

City centre alway tend to be the crowdest plae among the whole city,people go there to work,shopping,watching films, builting a large car parks are not only giving people who drive there a big convinence but also could stimulate the bsiness around the parks, for the worries of no place to park has been eliminated, people are more likely to go there, therefor, they have bigger possibility to comsume.

Another way to solve the problem is to develope a public transport network. Bus, metro, auto-bycycle system could immensely improve traffic condition by removing a lot of traffic from street, and providing more alternatives would effectively reduce the useage of the automobiles. As a reslt, air-polution is very likely been decresed. In addition, metro speed could reach 80KM per hours, it may allow people get to their destination quicker and easier. Furthermore, auto-bycycle system provide an healther transport alternative,people excersices while they transport. Howevr,there still are some disadvantages to this idea. Firstly,the paking fees of the car park could be too expensive for ordinary people, especially those who need to park car for more than 5 hours per day. For example, if it charges 5 yuan per hour, then for people who works nearby and need to park in the work day, the fee could add up to 3200 yuan per mounth! In addition,the speed of constructing car parks is less likely to catch up with the speed of car incrasing,there for, although the limited car parks could help to the moment, it tend not to satisfy the long-term needs.
To develpe underground or elevated metro live is difficult in existing city, consequently, it takes a long time and creates a lot of congestions while the new metro line are being bulit. Finally,the management the auto-bycycle system could be hard, goverment may need to afford high expanse of the maintainess.

作者: mygirlzini 时间: 2014-8-28 12:19
QUESTION:
School is no longer necessary,since more and more information is accessible on the Internet,and students can study just as well at home.To what extent do you agree or disagree?

With the increasing popularity of the Internet, the electrization of information has become an inevitable tendency,to gain knowledge from top universities has become possible. However,the importance of schooling still would not be replaced by the Internet.

It is true that with the help of powerful search engines and active social network sites,needed information and insight opinion from certain field expert has become much easier to access, but is it only the knowledge and advice that we need for our for our growing?

Schooling may seem more expensive and time consuming than learning at home, but the benefits of it are also obvious. A school is society in miniature, to gain academic knowledge is just one but not only purpose of go to school, other purpose including to learn social skills and to form trustworthy relationships with schoolmate and teachers, which would have profound influence to their life.

Interaction,to feel,to touch,to see is the base of built a trusty relationship,which the Internet may never be able to offer. In addition, being in a competitive atmosphere, their potential abilities in academic studies are more likely be developed than at home alone,especially to those who would easily be destructed. Take myself for example, to prepare IELTS,I finished an essay, read 50 pages of a book in the morning at library,while I found myself end up with nothing completed that afternoon after I went home.I was sitting in front of my computer to search a meaning of a word, 2 hours later I woke up from the sorrow invoking by Korea TV show.

Last but not least,schooling provide physical exercises,on the contrary,learning at home,normally means sitting at one position and staring at the screen for hours.

作者: slave918 时间: 2014-8-28 15:32

With the increasing popularity of the Internet, the electrization of information（不明白，楼主确认可以这样用就好） has become an inevitable tendency,to gain（两句话间没有连词，to gain 做主语吗？好像不可以吧） knowledge from top universities has become possible. However,the importance of schooling still would not be replaced by the Internet.

It is true that with the help of powerful search engines and active social network sites,needed information and insight opinion from certain field expert has become much easier to access, but is it only the（the only) knowledge and advice that we need for our for our growing?

Schooling may seem more expensive and time consuming than learning at home, but the benefits of it are also obvious. A school is society in miniature(不明白), to gain academic knowledge is just one but not only purpose of go（going) school, other purpose including to learn social skills and to form trustworthy relationships with schoolmate and teachers, which would have profound influence to their life. 这句话读着很不通顺，楼主使用to gian academic knowledge 作主语吗？我明白想表达不是唯一的目的。用 A is not the only purpose 不就行了吗？同样没有连词。

Interaction,to feel,to touch,to see（不能这样表达吧，中文确实是这样表达。） is the base of built(buillding) a trusty relationship,which the Internet may never be able to offer. In addition, being in a competitive atmosphere（不确定可以这样用哦）, their potential abilities in academic studies are more likely be developed than at home alone,especially to those who would easily be destructed. Take myself for example, to prepare IELTS,I finished an essay, read 50 pages of a book in the morning at library,while I found myself end up with nothing completed that afternoon after I went home.I was sitting in front of my computer to search a meaning of a word, 2 hours later I woke up from the sorrow invoking by Korea TV show.

Last but not least,schooling provide physical exercises,on the contrary,learning at home,normally means sitting at one position and staring at the screen for hours.

Generally speaking, go to school is a wiser choice for one's development, not merely academically, as well as mentally,psychologically and physically.Learning at home on the Internet could be useful,but best as a supplementary way of schooling.

总的来说，我觉得楼主的用法还不够地道，准确。最后自己能够确定可以这样用
另外，感觉行文不太流畅。

作者: mygirlzini 时间: 2014-9-1 00:12
Q :You can know a lot about a person through the type of friends this person has.

“Like attracts like. Birds of a feature flock together”. Friends probably have the most powerful impact on one’s mind and behavior. This opinion can be well illustrated by a famous Chinese story that have been told thousands years. Mencius, a well-known wise man who lived in Warring States time of China 2779 years ago. His mother moved their dwelling place three time from the graveyard area to the market-surrounded residence,ending up nearby a school in order to create an ideal study environment for him.As a result,that a boy who used to imitate butcher and repair grave has grown up to a top scholar and educationist of that time.

In fact,most people tend to pander to the mass opinions. To put in another way, one is very likely to reverse his behavior under peer pressure or to fit in the circumstance. Take one of my friends for an example. {我的例子用的篇幅会不会长了点?}She was once a cultured, honest,thoughtful sweet young lady. After having worked in the gambling house for three years as a casino dealer in Macao and being surrounded by gambling,smoking crowds who would pay thousands of dollars for fun . She has learned smoking and started to use drugs afterwards. The last thing I know about her is in the rehab. {What a pity! 这里加个感叹句是不是会更好呢?}She would have a bright future if she was in an healthier circumstance. Therefor, surrounding people are most likely the reflection of one as they spend the most time together.{我其实想说,他们平时打交道最多,言下之意互相影响得最大,可是写到as they are frequently 就写不下去了}

In addition, common interests or shared values are the basis of making deep and lasting connections,therefor,good friends are expected similar in many aspects ranging from what frequent places they go or which type of books they read to what opinions they hold to certain issues. For instance, les 3 Mailletz,le caveau des oubliettes,La closerie des Lilas are very famous coffees in Paris because extrodinary poets and novelist such as Shelley,{这里用逗号隔开可以吗?}Voltaire or Hemingway often went there to write or to chat.

It is true that as the modern society develops.The ability of making friends in a wide ranges has become a crucial factor to one’s success,however,in general close and genuine friends whose personalities and lifestyles very alike are normally a few.There is a high possibility that one can gain a great knowledge of someone by observe these friends.

作者: mygirlzini 时间: 2014-9-2 17:38
标题: 20140902+独立写作+creative overweitht carefully planning?

Q:being creative,rather than carefully planning,is more often results in better solution.

Have you ever thrilled for a brilliant idea while had it procrastinated for half a year or, even worse, had never get it on the ground? Have you even annoyed that you feel surrounded by tons of work and had been busy all all day, yet had nothing done at the end of the day? Have you even been in the heart-broken situation that the avant-garded product your team had worked for years had been disposed because it fails to meet the market demands and result in sales failure?

If you have had such experience, you would know how important a plan is to achieve success.

Compared to a brilliant creative idea, a well planned proposal are generally more efficient to get a better result because a creative idea tend to focus on one aspect of the subject, yet various factors should been taken into consideration in terms of achieving success,otherwise there is a high possibility the effort that have been put on the project or product would be in vain or ,even worse, the company could be tremendously damaged by the failure,suffering from loss of excellent employees,threat of capital-chain broken as well as damaged reputation.There is a real example to note this opinion

.Likaifu,former CEO of Microsoft Research Asia, mentioned in his book <<You differs the world>> ,that he conducted a development of an advanced browser that were able to demonstrate 3D animation while others could just do 2D when as a product manager in a famous high-tech company SGI.However,because lack of precisely perceive of market demand ,they put the advance of technology and the satisfaction of scientific exploring priority instead of user experience,which cost them severely---the product,despite of its advance in technology,has been sold in few thousand dollars,and 183 engineers who are in the development team lost their job.

Further more,A good plan would reasonably dispute resources to focus on the priority, therefor the project is more likely been processed with expected pace. Thus, a thoughtful proposal is a key master to gain success.

It is true that being creative is important to some extent on the way to success. People who get too caught up in careful planning sometimes find themselves hard to make decision. They are looking for more and more information in order to make a well informed assessment, but in general,a specific plan would lead to high possibilities of a better solution.

作者: 小蘑菇开始打怪 时间: 2014-9-3 22:59
0902 revised by mushroom

[size=13.63636302948px]Have you ever thrilled for a brilliant idea while had it procrastinated for half a year or, even worse, had never get it on the ground? Have you even annoyed that you feel surrounded by tons of work and had been busy all all（多了一个all？） day, yet had nothing done at the end of the day? Have you even been in the heart-broken situation that the avant-garded product your team had worked for years had been disposed because it fails to meet the market demands and result in sales failure?

（看完楼主这一段反问+现在完成时+过去完成时，觉得心好累。。。我觉得托福作文开头还是简明地直入主题好一点，这种排比句太文艺也风险太大了）

[size=13.63636302948px]If you have had such experience, you would know how important a plan is to achieve success.

[size=13.63636302948px]Compared to a brilliant creative idea, a well planned proposal are generally more efficient to get a better result because a creative idea tend to focus on one aspect of the subject, yet various factors should been taken into consideration in terms of achieving success,otherwise there is a high possibility the effort that have been put on the project or product would be in vain or ,even worse, the company could be tremendously damaged by the failure,suffering from loss of excellent employees,threat of capital-chain broken as well as damaged reputation.（楼主你有没有发现你这句话写了三行半没有句号啊！）There is a real example to note this opinion[size=13.63636302948px].Likaifu（Li Kaifu，但是如果李开复有英文名的话也可以用吧）,former CEO of Microsoft Research Asia, mentioned in his book <<You differs the world>> ,that he conducted a development of an advanced browser that were able to demonstrate 3D animation while others could just do 2D when as a product manager in a famous high-tech company SGI.However,because lack of precisely perceive of market demand ,they put the advance of technology and the satisfaction of scientific exploring priority instead of user experience,which cost them severely---the product,despite of its advance in technology,has been sold in few thousand dollars,and 183 engineers who are in the development team lost their job.（又是一个两行半没有句号的大长句。。找主谓什么的也不行了。。找清楚结构以后发现楼主是用一个dash连接俩句子）

[size=13.63636302948px]Further more,A good plan would reasonably dispute resources to focus on the priority, therefor the project is more likely been processed with expected pace. Thus, a thoughtful proposal is a key master to gain success.

[size=13.63636302948px]It is true that being creative is important to some extent on the way to success. People who get too caught up in careful planning sometimes find themselves hard to make decision. They are looking for more and more information in order to make a well informed assessment, but in general,a specific plan would lead to high possibilities of a better solution.

总评：
1、楼主貌似喜欢写长句，因为我水平实在有限，看起来真的非常痛苦。托福作文的要求其实没有那么高大上的，非要长难句写出来，有时候把事情说清楚就好。
2、开头可以不用那么隐晦和文艺，直入主题蛮好。
3、推荐还是使用五段式的八股文写法，第一段开头，二到四-三个论据，最后一段总结。楼主这篇应该只写了两个观点吧，然后第二个观点的字数明显太少。

作者: mygirlzini 时间: 2014-9-5 13:04

小蘑菇开始打怪发表于 2014-9-3 22:59
0902 revised by mushroom

Have you ever thrilled for a brilliant idea while had it procrastinated fo ...

Thanks you `~~~

作者: mygirlzini 时间: 2014-9-5 13:29
标题: 独立 20140904 CD写作小分队10 Should teachers be reeducated?

should all teachers be required to take couses every five years to update their knowledge?

The advanced technologies are changing the world and upgrading knowledge at a surprising speed. It is quite common that in most schools all teachers are required to take courses relating (related to )the subject they teaches every five years.Personally,I think this practice generally has more benefits on several different levels.
The most obvious advantages lies in the fact that it allows teachers to keep pace with the changing rate of knowledge and to update their pedagogic strategies to suit different groups of pupils. Because the refresher courses are not only a platform to impart knowledge but also a stage to exchange experiences in a wide range. For example,experienced elder teachers may have solid knowledge of where the examination lies emphases but weak in getting students to follow his/her lead. On the other hand, young teachers may not so sophisticated in the examination tendency while have abundant knowledge of how to arouse disciple’s interests by catering for special needs of different kinds of pupils. In this case,the courses are excellent opportunities for both side to learn from each other’s strong point and close the gap.
Of course,those who are against taking courses may argue that by subscribing magazines,discussing in forums on the Internet and participating academic communications also keep teachers up to date.However,I think the speed of growth in this way is far behind from taking courses. In addition,switching roles from teacher to student will give them deeper insights of the student’s psychological features to adopt syllabus and employ pedagogic strategies correspondingly.
Overall,I think it is necessary for teachers to be reeducated in certain frequency. The authorities should take into consideration the teacher’s teaching task as to what courses they take. So that the benefits of this plan can be maximised.

作者: mygirlzini 时间: 2014-9-5 14:38
标题: 20140903CD小分队10 综合写作 TOP14

The reading passage cites the benefits of salvage logging.That it will clean spaces for healthy trees,decrease the possibility of the insects growing and increase jobs.However,the lecture professor stands in the opposite points for the following reasons:

First and foremost,she argued that the dead trees is not necessary to been removed,instead they should be left where they are to decompose so the soil can be enriched and become more suitable for new trees to grow.

Furthermore,not all the insects are harmful to the forest.There is a living example that the spruce bark beetles in Alaskan forest has get alone with the natural for hundreds years and the harmful insects are also a important part of the food-chain,which may be damaged by intentionally remove some parts.

Finally,the effect on job market prosperous mentioned in the passage is temporary and normally fitted by experienced outsiders.

作者: daisy333 时间: 2014-9-5 20:23
The reading passage cites the benefits of salvage logging.That it（it在gmat里算指代不明哦，不知道托福里可不可以这样用，但还是写清楚会好一点） will clean spaces for healthy trees, decrease the possibility of the insects growing and increase jobs. However,the lecture professor stands in the opposite points for the following reasons:

First and foremost,she argued that the dead trees is not necessary to been（be） removed, instead they should be left where they are to decompose so the soil can be enriched and become more suitable for new trees to grow.

Furthermore,not all the insects are harmful to the forest. There is a living example that the spruce bark beetles in Alaskan forest has get alone with the natural for hundreds years and the harmful insects are also a important part of the food-chain,which may be damaged by intentionally remove some parts.（这个例子没有在听力中出现吧，楼主神脑补！）

Finally,the effect on job market prosperous mentioned in the passage is temporary and normally fitted by experienced outsiders.（太简单啦）

1.字数连下限150字都没有达到，虽然语言精练是好事，但是字数肯定是要达到要求的。
2.综合作文里只要写阅读和听力里的内容，好像是不能提出自己的观点和例子的。我怕是我漏听了还回去看了下文本发现确实是没有的。
3.要详细描述听力中出现的内容，比如最后一段太简单了，可以填充一些听力里的细节。

总的觉得楼主功底很好，句子很流畅精简，而且这种先把阅读概括在一起再写听力部分反对理由的结构很新颖。但是可能综合作文的套路还有点不清楚。还有托福作文没必要写长句的地方写短句会比较吸引人。

作者: MrWaiting 时间: 2014-9-6 09:30
9.4独立写作改

作者: mygirlzini 时间: 2014-9-6 11:06
标题: 仿写小蘑菇:20140904CD写作小分队10 独立
should all teachers be required to take couses every five years to update their knowledge?

Knowledge today is changing at a surprising in many fields.As the Internet develops,it is possible to attain knowledge in wide sources.The founder of Panasonic once said “The one thing should continuing for life is keeping learning”,which indicated that keeping learning has become not an optional but a compulsory curriculum to most profession in modern society instead of students of primary schools,high school or universities. Under the circumstance,in most school,teachers are required to take courses related to the subject they teach and helping them refining pedagogic strategies.However,as reasonable and necessary as it seems,there are many impediments standing in the way when putting it into practice.

First and foremost,the tuition of required curriculum may not be affordable to some teachers,especially those in remote areas where suffers from poverty.To convince the parents sending their children to school and struggling to maintain the existence of it are the priorities of their work.Most of them seldom received wages on time,and sometimes it has been used to pay for the schooling and cost of live for the pupil whose parents couldn’t afford the fee.In this case,being required attending compulsory courses at their own expense is not realistic.Apart from economic factor,the time cost also makes it impossible for this plan to apply to every level of teacher. Take teachers of my high school as an example. Even they worked 11 hours per day,6 days a week,there are still classes haven’t been prepare and homework haven’t been corrected.This case is not rare,most teacher of high schools in China nearly stay in the same situation.Thus sparing time to take curriculum is not practical for them either.

However,as advance as high technologies develops,the methods of upgrading knowledge are not restricted to face to face classes in reality,but are also feasible in distant interaction such as discussing in forum on the Internet,receiving courses via E-mails or on websites,participating video academic communication.Which could help teachers up to date without taking up too much precious time.For instance,MOOC,a platform provides courses of Ivy universities has grown high popularity among a wide range in recent 5 years.Unlike going to class in a fixed time, which(it?) gives viewers more flexibility as it allows them to take the courses according to their personal timetable.Therefore,studying online is probably more practical to teacher under sever time pressure.

Furthermore,knowledge upgrading rate differs a lot in literature,medicine,history,science and computer.It is possible that IT industry will have been transformed haven and earth in 5 years whereas development in history is slow.Therefore,it is not exactly percise to set the same timetable for different groups of teacher.

In general,although keeping pace with the development is necessary for teachers,authorities should take into consideration the differences between subjects and situations teachers in so that the benefits of this plan can be maximised.

作者: mygirlzini 时间: 2014-9-6 18:04
标题: 20140905CD写作小分队10 独立 13.21PM 互改 559 3.5Hourss
20140905CD写作小分队10 独立 13.21PM 互改 559 4Hours
Modern society has become more complex,so it is essential for the young people to have the ability to plan&organize.

Have you ever gone to a meeting finding headed to a wrong location because of the confusing notification?Have you ever felt stress out by the pills of bill needed to pay?Have you ever experienced close friends passed away unexpectedly because the unawareness of fatal disease?

If you have,then you would strongly stand by my point that the ability to plan and organize is essential for young people nowadays.

With the development of society,cooperation on different levels and industries has become a tendency.Which normally involves people with diverse comprehension to same subject in a same team.The leader’s ability to organize would be a key factor to the quality of work.For instance,a meeting notification should be specific in time,location,subject,what reference material should be brought and contingency. Confusing context should be highlighted and further explained.Members should be aware of the ways they will be noted in.That it is through Email,phone call SMS or above all. Missed any part of it could lead to misinterpreted the of the message and the consequences can be bed---- key members doesn’t show up or wrong copies have been brought as it have similar cover or name with the right one.Which could cause waste of time as well as energy at the best,losing a wonderful business opportunity and put all the effort in vain at worst.Therefore,ability to organize is conducting how things goes at some extent.

In addition,fast pace of life,heavily workload,and stifle competition have impose great pressure on modern people.A study conducting by CHFB indicated the number of citizen eating outside has increased 30% to 14689 billion,compared to 10342 billion last year.Rather than food in fresh and raw material,fast food such as fried chicken,chips,coca cola and processed food like sausage,cans,instant noodles have become top choices to those in the hurry.The high calorie and salt which contain will lead to high blood pressure and heart diseases.Statics announced by CNHC in 13th Sep. 2014 shows there are 300 billion people in cities suffers from cardiovascular disease. 25% more than 10 years ago.Nevertheless,health situation can be reversed,even for those bad ones.By setting an appropriate plan involving healthy diet,time of physical exsercise and divided workload into small steps easy to be be done.It is possible to live a healthy and relatively easy life.For example,one of my neiboor is a product manager in a famous headphone company,yet he manged to maintain jogging and eating homemade food by running at 5 early in the morning and bringing lunch to office.A growing number of people in cities are adopting this timetable to stay healthy.

Moreover,rising house price,scary medicine fees and expensive education make financial layout planned ahead distinctively necessary.By that I mean,one can using finance tools like stocks,participating insurance to attain rapid financial growth legally.Otherwise,ordinary salary may never be able to gain a comfortable life.As it said in <<poor dad,rich dad>>,a book rank top 10 NewYork Times best-seller list for 3 years.”To live a happy life,one should make money work for you,not the other way around”

It is true that people may get too caught up in careful plan sometimes find themselves unable to make decisions.I think in general,the benefits of planning appropriately and organizing percisely will give young people an edge in obtaining a happy life.

作者: loverony713 时间: 2014-9-6 21:53

mygirlzini 发表于 2014-9-6 18:04
20140905CD写作小分队10 独立 13.21PM 互改 559 4Hours
Modern society has become more complex,so it is ...

20140905CD写作小分队10 独立 13.21PM 互改 559 4Hours
Modern society has become more complex,so it is essential for the young people to have the ability to plan&organize.

Have you ever gone to a meeting finding headed to a wrong location because of the confusing notification?Have you ever felt stress out by the pills of bill needed to pay?Have you ever experienced close friends passed away unexpectedly because the unawareness of fatal disease?

If you have,then you would strongly stand by my point that the ability to plan and organize is essential for young people nowadays.

With the development of society,cooperation on different levels and industries has become a tendency.Which(前面是逗号) normally involves people with diverse comprehension to same subject in a same team.The leader’s ability to organize would be a key factor to the quality of work.For instance,a meeting notification should be specific in time,location,subject,what reference material should be brought and contingency(我查的意思是偶然事件在这里用法不合适吧而且形式相同的词并列在一起比较好). Confusing context should be highlighted and further explained.Members should be aware of the ways they will be noted in.That it is through Email,phone call SMS or above all. Missed(ING) any part of it could lead to misinterpreted the of the message and the consequences can be bed---- key members doesn’t show up or wrong copies have been brought as it have similar cover or name with the right one.Which could cause waste of time as well as energy at the best,losing a wonderful business opportunity and put all the effort in vain at worst.Therefore,ability to organize is conducting(不清楚这样用对不对) how things goes at some extent.
（首先你的主题句是cooperation，和plan的关系没有说清楚；其次，在展开的过程中 plan---goal这个过程过于简单变成一个事例比较好；最重要的，语法尤其是which\ that指代的时候前面应该是句号而且有几处并列的不好）

In addition,fast pace of life,heavily workload,and stifle competition have impose great pressure on modern people.【A study conducting by CHFB indicated(S) the number of citizen eating outside has increased 30% to 14689 billion,compared to 10342 billion last year.Rather than food in fresh and raw material,fast food such as fried chicken,chips,coca cola and processed food like sausage,cans,instant noodles have become top choices to those in the hurry.The high calorie and salt which contain will lead to high blood pressure and heart diseases.Statics announced by CNHC in 13th Sep. 2014 shows there are 300 billion people in cities suffers from cardiovascular disease. 25% more than 10 years ago.Nevertheless,health situation can be reversed,even for those bad ones.】（绿色内容过多，没有必要，主要侧重于plan）By setting(by doing主句在哪里？) an appropriate plan involving healthy diet,time of physical exsercise and divided workload into small steps easy to be be done.It is possible to live a healthy and relatively easy life.For example,one of my neiboor is a product manager in a famous headphone company,yet he manged to maintain jogging and eating homemade food by running at 5 early in the morning and bringing lunch to office.A growing number of people in cities are adopting this timetable to stay healthy.
（首先主题句没有明确论点；其次，内容详略不得当，应该多写plan的好处；还有语法错误，句子结构需要多加注意哦~）举得这个例子不知道说明什么.... plan---健康？可是plan的内容也太少了吧= =而且主题句没有体现哦~

Moreover,rising house price,scary medicine fees and expensive education make financial layout planned ahead distinctively necessary.By that I mean,one can using finance tools like stocks,participating insurance to attain rapid financial growth legally.Otherwise,ordinary salary may never be able to gain a comfortable life.(这句话太绝对了吧- -而且没啥逻辑- -)As it said(后半句在哪?) in <<poor dad,rich dad>>,a book rank top 10 NewYork Times best-seller list for 3 years.”To live a happy life,one should make money work for you,not the other way around”
（依然跑题.. plan在哪...怎么plan...具体一些怎么用financial tools让人变得更有钱？）

It is true that people may get too caught up in careful plan sometimes find themselves unable to make decisions.(这句话写的有点别扭而且too...to..没有这个用法吧....)I think in general,the benefits of planning appropriately and organizing percisely will give young people an edge in obtaining a happy life.

作者: mygirlzini 时间: 2014-9-6 23:54

loverony713 发表于 2014-9-6 21:53

学习学习,改得真的好认真啊,最喜欢这样的小伙伴啦

作者: angla 时间: 2014-9-8 14:59
mm，你9.6日的独呢？

我的也没改哦。。。

作者: sigrid_shan 时间: 2014-9-8 23:44
坐楼等，么么大

作者: mygirlzini 时间: 2014-9-9 16:38
标题: 20140906 独立写作 Is it much easier to attain success without help from one's family
Q:It’s much easier to attain success without help from one’s family in the past.
Chinese society has developed rapidly since reform and opening-up has been applied in 1978.There is a heat debate over whether it is much easier to achieve success without help from one’s family in the past or not.Some people support the point because they believe the powerful social network of one’s family will bring their inherent valuable resources such as reputation,fortune,more importantly,a expanding social network.However,I think the problem should be viewed separately of what the situation the people stays.

To those who works for State-owned enterprise,family influence indeed would have a tremendous impact on one’s success in career.Unlike ability and skill are priorities of promoting in the past,nepotism grows popularity today in these company.Which has been strictly forbidden in the past.Take one of our manager as an example.He was just a labor works in assembly line when he was admitted in our company.After married one of our senior executive’s niece,he was promoted director a year later.Compared with him,other front line works couldn’t even be transformed to position like secretary because they don’t have bachelor degree.

On the other hand,to employees of private company and those who have creative schema worth investing.Personal success is not so much rely on the help of family.Because to private company,competent people are their main competitiveness.Good income and promotion are guaranteed as long as you remain contributing.And private investment are encouraged to help people without capital to start their own business.There are plenty example of ordinary people attained huge success without help from family.For instance,the biggest B2B business platform in china, Taobao, was established in a 16 square meter simply house.The famous founder Mayun is just a teacher then.With the persistence and precise predict of market demand,Taobao has grown to a enterprise worth billions.There are more examples in other emerging industry like New Original in education and training industry,Tencent in IT industry,the founders of these company share a common feature---don’t have a powerful background,still they gain a great success.

In generally,in certain kinds of field such as politic and any enterprise with state background,helps with family are necessary in the road of successful,however,in the private sector and emerging industry where employers and investors are mainly focus on competent and the potential repayment,family influence is of much less importance to success.

作者: mygirlzini 时间: 2014-9-10 16:50

Q:Teachers have less impact on students than they used to be.

The rapid development of society lead to a soaring demanding of reeducation and teachers.Compare to the past,the number of teacher are bombarded,however,the impact of whom were weaken than it used to be for reasons of different aspects.

First and foremost,the moral quality of teachers nowadays has generally descended compare to the past,to put in another words,what they said and did are not in student’s behalf at some extent(Or should I put in some extent?what’s the difference?). For instance,the promising future and considerable profits makes most education and training institutes putting recruiting more students and expanding scale instead of improving teaching quality priority.As salary were calculated by time of teaching,some teachers are not willing to spend time on those who came to ask for help unless they pay. However,most teachers in history have devoted their entire life to education and nurturing students.Undoubtedly they would earn more respect and tend to have profound and lasting impact on pupils .

In addition,the academic level of teachers today has falling tremendously by and large compare to the scholar-level before.Dating back to 1930s,only top scholars were entitled to teach.Some of them even graduated from western top universities.Works of those teachers,such as the <<Sculpture history of China>>from architect Liangsicheng,<<Besieged City>>from litterateur Qianzhongshu, are still classic today.On the contrary ,most teachers in private education institutes are just college student who doesn’t qualified to teach(Or should I say who doesn’t own teacher certification?).Therefore,naturally teacher in the past are more authorized.

What’s more,with the development of Internet and advanced technology,courses of top Ivy universities are readily accessible to everyone,experienced pioneers could be reached by just a click of a mouse.Consequently, teacher’s role as imparting knowledge are weaken to some extent.

To sum up,influenced by commercial society, teacher today is more like a lucrative profession rather than a initiator devoting themselves to inculcating knowledge to a large extent.And the rapid developed Internet has taken place of some roles what teachers used to be.

Q:1\ I find it is hard for me to diversify the expression “teacher in the past”,could you recommend some?

2\I was told that supporting details is one of the key factors if I am aiming high scores in task 2.But I met some troubles of doesn’t know when to address my view with details.It seems every abstract sentence could be followed by a example,and every noun could be expressed more specifically using such as ,like,for example or non-predicated verb and subordinate clause. Therefore I usually spend 3-4 hours to write 450-580 length,which now I have known is a big mistake.Are there any tips can help me with that?

作者: sigrid_shan 时间: 2014-9-10 22:50
0908占座明天改，太累了。

作者: mygirlzini 时间: 2014-9-11 00:19

angla 发表于 2014-9-8 14:59
mm，你9.6日的独呢？

我的也没改哦。。。

亲,看到了吗?

作者: mygirlzini 时间: 2014-9-11 00:20

sigrid_shan 发表于 2014-9-10 22:50
0908占座明天改，太累了。

嗯,好的

作者: sigrid_shan 时间: 2014-9-11 23:40
注意语法，注意空格问题。

作者: mygirlzini 时间: 2014-10-9 23:48
20141008独立
不好意思，没看懂1008的题目写的1009的哈

作者: echosun2002 时间: 2014-10-10 07:56
sorry，昨晚家里断网，我用手机占座的，今天一早改给你，有问题联系我哈

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