ChaseDream

标题: Terry95的作文帖(欢迎大家来吐槽） [打印本页]

作者: Terry95 时间: 2014-7-27 09:29
标题: Terry95的作文帖(欢迎大家来吐槽）
7/27 （虽然是第一次，不过还是要用力喔亲）

Independent Writing

To what extent do you agree that we should buy only domestic products even if we have to spend more money to do so than to purchase imported goods.

Because of the globalization and the informational revolution developing in the late 20th century, a gargantuan amount of goods are flowing from one country to another.However,not everyone taking part in these prosperous business activities is enthusiastic about this overwhelming trend.Some so-called patriots oppose the idea of purchasing foreign products because they view this action in a betrayal of their motherland.On the other hand, I wholeheartedly support importing merchandise from other nations.

To begin with, according to a basic economic conception,international trade can benefit everyone involved.Some countries can produce certain products at lower cost and of better quality than other countries;thus, consumers can obtain better and cheaper goods from the country that is more specialized in making the goods than the consumers’ own country.In this case,international trade will improve the well-being of the domestic customers and the foreign suppliers.In short,international trade can foster the overall economy in the world.

Although the national producers protest the alleged harm imposed by imported products,those goods can,in fact,help the domestic producers indirectly but profoundly. Normally, people purchase foreign products because those goods are better than the domestic ones; hence, the domestic producers would have to learn to improve the quality of their own products or otherwise would lose their shares in the market and be expelled from the market eventually. No owner wants to see the bankrupt of his/her company, so the owners will no doubt enhance their products that,in turn, attract more business and increase profits. As we can see, the advanced foreign products can actually force the national industries to grow up.

Moreover, consumers will definitely benefit from international trade. International trade can make the market more competitive, so sellers will lower the prices and find ways to satisfy the buyers. Suffice to say that purchasers will get better products at lower price.

In conclusion, prohibiting the exchange of goods among different countries has positive effects on neither the foreign suppliers, nor the national manufactures, nor the domestic consumers.

Integrated writing IPO 13

The lecture points out that the advantages of the private collection of fossils far outweigh the drawbacks and that the disadvantages of private collections are overstated.This position directly contradicts the view in the reading material that the private collection of fossils will harm the interest of both the public and the academics.

At the first place,the lecturer indicates that more people will have chance to see fossils if those fossils are sold to individuals.This is because lower schools and institutions will be able to afford the expense of obtaining fossils.This situation is the polar opposite of situation described in the reading material.

Also, the lecturer disagrees with the conjuncture that private collection of fossils will make scientist unable to reach those sold fossils.In support of her suggestion,the lecturer points out that scientists will have more access to the fossils because the fossils to be sold must be identified by the scientists first before the buyers purchase them.

At last,the lecturer states that universities and research institutions do not have enough energy or resources to discover all the sites containing fossils,so it is better that the private individuals find some fossils while ruin some of the surrounding ones than that those fossils remain undiscovered.

作者: 资深少女_贾贾 时间: 2014-7-27 23:09
我改的你独立哦! 先占座，

To what extent do you agree that we should buy only domestic products even if we have to spend more money to do so than to purchase imported goods.

1. 这里是spend doing sth 吧
2. than的前后对比，前面是should buy... 后面应该是平行结构，用原型或者should purchase吧...

看完下一段才发现这是题目，⊙﹏⊙b汗

1. 我觉得这里转折的意味没有那么强烈，改成In my point of view 之类的好一些

1. 用词挺好的

这里我觉得这一段和上一段可以合并，因为论点都是市场竞争能使企业发展的更好嘛~~~ 你可以再想一个论点然后展开写，文章内容也可以更加丰富。这是我的看法啦

In conclusion, prohibiting the exchange of goods among different countries has positive effects on neither the foreign suppliers, nor the national manufactures, nor the domestic consumers.

这里我不确定可不可以两个nor连用，一般是neither nor这个平行这样...

作者: Terry95 时间: 2014-7-28 09:47

资深少女_贾贾发表于 2014-7-27 23:09
我改的你独立哦! 先占座，

To what extent do you agree that we should buy only domestic products eve ...

谢谢啦，改得这么认真
咱们继续深入一下哈
你觉得这么改了以后还有没有问题？
To what extent do you agree that we should buy only domestic products even if we have to spend more money doing do than purchasing imported goods.
还有就是黄色和蓝色是啥意思啊？

作者: 资深少女_贾贾 时间: 2014-7-28 09:54

Terry95 发表于 2014-7-28 09:47
谢谢啦，改得这么认真
咱们继续深入一下哈
你觉得这么改了以后还有没有问题？

啊 = = 不好意思昨天只改了一半就太困了睡了，现在po好的才是完整版。

加背景的词是我觉得挺好的用法。。。

你用词都挺高级的哈哈~~~

作者: Terry95 时间: 2014-7-28 13:01

资深少女_贾贾发表于 2014-7-27 23:09
我改的你独立哦! 先占座，

To what extent do you agree that we should buy only domestic products eve ...

neither...,nor...,nor...这个用法有的，我在senator Robert Kennedy 竞选1968年总统的一篇critique里面看过。
原句是 GDP measures neither our courage,nor our wisdom,nor our devotion to our country.

作者: 资深少女_贾贾 时间: 2014-7-28 15:46

Terry95 发表于 2014-7-28 13:01
neither...,nor...,nor...这个用法有的，我在senator Robert Kennedy 竞选1968年总统的一篇critique里面 ...

哦哦学习啦~！

作者: Terry95 时间: 2014-7-28 17:08

资深少女_贾贾发表于 2014-7-28 15:46
哦哦学习啦~！

哈哈，我也感觉到我的第四段是凑字数，今天把作业写完了再改改的说

作者: Terry95 时间: 2014-7-29 10:25
28日独立
If you cannot say anything nice about someone, you'd better not say anything.

TRY TO AVOID JUDGING ANYONE
It is common for us to describe other people we know, and nobody is perfect;therefore sometimes we are ready to say something negative about someone.For example, we always complain about our bosses when they give us too much work.Or, wives disclose their husbands’ unacceptable behavior to their friends.In my opinion,most events cannot be justified to say anything bad about other people.

In the first place, those unpleasant words can hurt others directly,or even profoundly.My cousin had been a very confident and diligent boy before his teacher told his parents he will not be qualified to study in college. His teacher said so simply because he is not very good at tests.After my cousin heard the teacher’s words,he was obviously discouraged and gave up the idea of further education.Now,lacking of a diploma, he cannot even find a decent job in the city. In short, the teacher’s words at least partly caused his unemployment.

In addition to causing direct harm,improper language can also terminate a close relationship. People normally feel embarrassed or even infuriated when they hear bad descriptions of themselves,and,in turn, this will aggravate the relationship with the people who made these descriptions.Finally, their relationship might end with these bad words.

However,there is one exception that we should not hesitate to pass our judgment on someone: when your judgment links to the well-being of other people. For example, when your boss is deciding whether to hire your friend who is infamous for his/her slackness, the boss will naturally ask your opinion upon your friend. In this case, if you remain silence instead of tell the truth, your boss might hire your friend and your company might bear the negative effects imposed by your friend’s slovenliness.In the end, the employees of your company,including yourself, might loss their interests because you do not give the bad but true descriptions about your friend.

In conclusion, we should not say anything bad about others only if those bad but genuine expressions are not related to some others’ well-being.

IPO

The lecture indicates that the number of cane toad is not easy to be diminished and the measures taken to eliminate those animals might cause unexpected damages.This argument contradicts directly the opinion expressed in the reading material.

In the first place, building fence will not be able to stop cane toad from entering into the place where there is no cane toad existing now.This is because the fence cannot prevent the young cane toad and the eggs of cane toad carried by the water from colonizing and because even a small number of eggs can reproduce a large number of toad cane.

Also,the lecture points out that although having a large number of people attack cane toads could diminish the number of cane toads, doing so might also kill the native frogs. The reasoning is that most of the hunters are untrained and the physical appearances between cane toad and native frog are slightly different,so the hunters might mistakenly kill the native frogs.

At last,the lecturer argues that the virus-strategy mentioned in the reading material could impose unexpected negative effects on the environment of South America.The virus will be transported to America and,in turn, infect the cane toad there. Since the cane toad is a vital part of South American ecological environment, the eradication of tune toads will damage the ecological system there.

作者: GJason 时间: 2014-7-29 18:48
写的非常流畅，感觉楼主的水平为什么还要练习呢？

作者: Terry95 时间: 2014-7-29 19:33

GJason 发表于 2014-7-29 18:48
写的非常流畅，感觉楼主的水平为什么还要练习呢？

我感觉，首先我的作文水平一般般吧，再就是我觉得写作是口语的基础，写作好了跟老美们会话时才不会局限于简单的打招呼，才能了一些较深的话题，而且口语好了对将来申请，面试，学习，工作都有裨益。所以即使将来考完托，我也准备继续写下去，不过不在小分队写啦，去economist这些网站上写写评论什么的。

作者: GJason 时间: 2014-7-29 19:35

Terry95 发表于 2014-7-29 19:33
我感觉，首先我的作文水平一般般吧，再就是我觉得写作是口语的基础，写作好了跟老美们会话时才不会局限于 ...

我的写作才刚刚开始，奈何下个月16号就要被托福狂虐呀。。。

作者: Terry95 时间: 2014-7-29 19:37

GJason 发表于 2014-7-29 19:35
我的写作才刚刚开始，奈何下个月16号就要被托福狂虐呀。。。

不会的啦，我感觉的你作文写得已经很不错了啊，而且你还有将近20天呢，每天一篇的话，提高会相当明显的。你在哪考？

作者: GJason 时间: 2014-7-30 08:40
你摘牌，我来当电灯泡啦

作者: Terry95 时间: 2014-7-30 14:06

GJason 发表于 2014-7-30 08:40
你摘牌，我来当电灯泡啦

7-29
先贴一篇独立上来
YOUR FRIENDS ARE THE MINIATURE OF YOUR WORLD
There are numerous ways to understand people, and one of these ways is to analyze the friends of them. However,is it really an effective and reliable approach to know a person? The answer is that, in most cases, this way does help us to read people.

At the first place,we can find out the basic information,such as hobbies, assets, and tastes of a person by knowing his/her friends’ interests, personal possessions, and the level of appreciation. For example, if a majority of Terry’s friends play golf frequently, Terry may be interested in playing golf as well. Or, if most of Terry’s friends have meal only in decent and expensive restaurants, Terry must not be poor.This is because friends always go to restaurants together so Terry must also eat in fancy restaurants regularly. In short, a group of friends normally share a similar range of interests and have a proportional level of fortune.

In addition to the qualities mentioned above, we can also observe a person’s characteristics from his friends.For my own experience, I’m honest so I cannot tolerate any of my friends lying to me. In an other word, none of my friend is a liar ,or a fraud, and all of them share the same quality: integrity. Thus,by knowing my friends, everyone can easily learn that I am an reliable person.

However, there are some exceptions to this rule. For instance, someone’s hobby could be rare, such as collecting tarantulas, so that at most only a small fraction of their friends share the same hobby with him/her; therefore, we cannot know his/her liking by understanding his/her friends. Or, sometimes because of the geographical restrictions, the types of people around a person are usually limited; thus they do not have enough chance to choose their friends. For example, in some rural areas where there is only one piece of cultivatable land and thus one landlord,the only friends the landlord can have are farmers. Then, it would not be a good idea to know the landlord by observing his/her farmer friends.

In conclusion, under most but not all circumstances, it is justified to understand a person by analyzing his/her friends.

IPO16 这篇文章先写走题了，现在才发现综合写作还是分了几种类型的，这篇好像是解决问题性。上篇是常见的攻击measure型。还都有写什么类型啊？？？？

The lecturer addressed the three difficult situations mentioned in the reading passage by which the scientific field of archaeology was haunted for the most of the twentieth century in the United Kingdom. In support of the argument, the speaker separately states how the new rules improved the three situations.

At the first place, the new rules successfully solve the problem that many useful artifacts were destroyed or lost because of the construction projects. The professor says archaeologists will examine the construction sites before the construction companies are allowed to proceed, so that the important artifacts can be well preserved.

Also, the lecturer states that a new financial source is available for the scientists;that is, the construction companies instead of government will pay for the costs of the investigation of the sites.This relieves directly the problem that the origin of fund for the discovery was restricted to the government and the amount of fund was periodically decreasing.

According the employment rate of archaeologists, the lecturer points that more jobs,which were not existed before, have been created for the people who pursue a career in archaeology.In this case, the trouble of lacking of archaeologist positions is no longer as fierce as what the passage describes.

作者: GJason 时间: 2014-7-30 17:14
语法和句子已经无敌了，本主题的阐述难度较大，逻辑上略有瑕疵，一家之言仅供参考

作者: GJason 时间: 2014-7-30 17:31
今天晚上有活动，综合明天再该给你

作者: Terry95 时间: 2014-7-30 17:35

GJason 发表于 2014-7-30 17:14
语法和句子已经无敌了，本主题的阐述难度较大，逻辑上略有瑕疵，一家之言仅供参考 ...

感谢修改先！！！！！！！！Jason你说得很对，我这篇逻辑上存在问题，我再研究研究。。。不过不好写啊，这两天的题目。。。刚写完，马上就去看你的作文

作者: sweetyecho 时间: 2014-7-31 16:39
Terry 等待你的综合啦~~~

作者: Terry95 时间: 2014-7-31 17:07
独立+综合 7/30 让客人们着急了

HUMAN LIFE EXCEEDS BEYOND EVERYTHING
There is no doubt that historic buildings are the cultural symbol of a city, or even the emblem of a civilization;therefore, the government should seriously consider the preservation of those valuable assets. However, the fund to protect them is not limitless because the government is also responsible for building other infrastructures, such as constructing new homes for their citizens.Now, a question raised: Should the government spend more money on building new homes than on preserving old buildings? My answer is positive.

In the first place, government officials should consider the living conditions of their citizens prior to inanimated buildings. Let me ask you a question: which one is more important, the human life or the appearance of stones? Obviously, human life should always be the first consideration of any incumbent officials. Thus, it is at least morally correct to spend more money on improving our living conditions, by building more shelters for us, than on preserving stones.

Moreover, all the government expenditures, including the money spent on the preservation of old buildings, come from the citizens’ pockets, that is , the tax collected from us. Naturally, the tax should directly and firstly be used to benefit the tax payers and to foster their well-beings rather than to preserve historic buildings which will only indirectly and less effectively improve our living standards.

At last, it is economically a good idea to spend more money building new houses because investing in real estates is enormously profitable for the government. In this way ,the government will earn more money by selling houses and apartments to citizens and ,in turn,it can spend the earned money preserving historic buildings. Eventually, both the citizens and the old buildings will benefit from this investment.

In a nutshell, I wholeheartedly support the idea that the government should spend more money on the erection of new buildings.

IPO 17
By challenging three assumptions mentioned in the passage, the lecturer argues against the point that the number of birds will decline in the future.

In the first place, although the speaker admits that human population and settlement will indeed continue to expand in the future, she predicts that the total number of birds will not decrease,. The enlargement of human settlement will provide even better habitat for some bird species while destroy some habitat for some certain kinds of birds, but the total size of bird population will not shrink. This point weakens the view made in the passage that the extension of human settlement will endanger birds.

Second, the amount of the agricultural land used to grow crops will not increase in the future. Thanks to the new technology, crops are becoming more productive than before so that even smaller amount of crops will satisfy the human needs.In this case, we will not need to expand the area of agricultural land.This information contradicts directly the idea that more agricultural land will be used because of the increasing human population.

Moreover, the professor suggests that the problem of pesticide poison of birds will not be an issue.The pesticides protecting crops is becoming less toxical than they used to be. Moreover, the usage of pesticides will reduce because of the invention of pest-resistance crops.So pesticides will no longer harm birds as much as they did before. This suggestion relieves the bleak situation foreshadowed in the passage that pesticides will make the number of birds decline.

作者: Terry95 时间: 2014-7-31 17:08

sweetyecho 发表于 2014-7-31 16:39
Terry 等待你的综合啦~~~

上菜啦，欢迎品尝！！

作者: sweetyecho 时间: 2014-7-31 19:25
错误修改好

By challenging three assumptions mentioned in the passage, the lecturer argues against the point that the number of birds will decline in the future.

In the first place, although the speaker admits that human population and settlement will indeed continue to expand in the future, she predicts that the total number of birds will not decrease,. The enlargement of human settlement will provide even better habitat (habitats) for some bird species while destroy some habitat for some certain kinds of birds, but the total size of bird population will not shrink. ( 前面这一整句话，总感觉不太好，但也说不上来具体为什么，是不是对比并列写的不好？亲自己再斟酌一下下)This point weakens the view made in the passage that the extension of human settlement will endanger birds. 这一段需要more details

Second, the amount of the agricultural land used to grow crops will not increase in the future. Thanks to the new technology, crops are becoming more productive than before so that even smaller amount of crops will satisfy the human needs.In this case, （根据我的听力，应该是技术进步，crops更多产，而不是smller amount，satisfy human needs）we will not need to expand the area of agricultural land.This information contradicts directly the idea that more agricultural land will be used because of the increasing human population.

Moreover, the professor suggests that the problem of pesticide poison of birds will not be an issue.The pesticides protecting crops is becoming less toxical than they （单复要一致）used to be. Moreover, the usage of pesticides will reduce because of the invention of pest-resistance crops.So pesticides will no longer harm birds as much as they did before. This suggestion relieves the bleak situation foreshadowed in the passage that pesticides will make the number of birds decline.

很好了，没啥问题～

作者: slave918 时间: 2014-7-31 19:30
修改稿

There is no doubt that historic buildings are the cultural symbol of a city, or even the emblem of a civilization;therefore, the government should seriously consider the preservation of those valuable assets. However, the fund to protect them is not limitless because the government is also responsible for building other infrastructures, such as constructing new homes for their citizens.Now, a question is raised: Should the government spend more money on building new homes than on preserving old buildings? My answer is positive.

In the first place, government officials should consider the living conditions of their citizens prior to inanimated buildings. Let me ask you a question: which one is more important, the human life or the appearance of stones? Obviously, human life should always be the first consideration of any incumbent officials. Thus, it is at least morally correct to spend more money on improving our living conditions, by building more shelters for us, than on preserving stones.
楼主不能简单的说apparently，这个更加重要。所以。。。云云。需要有具体的例子

Moreover, all the government expenditures, including the money spent on the preservation of old buildings, come from the citizens’ pockets, that is , the tax collected from us. Naturally, the tax should directly and firstly be used to benefit the tax payers and to foster their well-beings rather than to preserve historic buildings which will only indirectly and less effectively improve our living standards.

At last, it is economically a good idea to spend more money building new houses because investing in real estates is enormously profitable for the government. In this way ,the government will earn more money by selling houses and apartments to citizens and ,in turn,it can spend the earned money preserving historic buildings. Eventually, both the citizens and the old buildings will benefit from this investment.

In a nutshell, I wholeheartedly support the idea that the government should spend more money on the erection of new buildings.

总的来说，每个理由都需要具体的示例进行支撑。这样也会增加楼主的字数哦

作者: Terry95 时间: 2014-7-31 20:56

sweetyecho 发表于 2014-7-31 19:25
错误修改好

By challenging three assumptions mentioned in the passage, the lecturer argu ...

改得好好喔！谢谢啦！！

作者: Terry95 时间: 2014-7-31 20:58

slave918 发表于 2014-7-31 19:30
修改稿

There is no doubt that historic buildings are the cultural symbol of a city, or ...

改得好认真喔，谢谢啦！！我马上来看你的

作者: GJason 时间: 2014-8-1 09:27
昨天你的作业我今天恐怕没法给你改了，中午就要出发会母校参加活动了，下周一改给你

作者: Terry95 时间: 2014-8-1 14:46

GJason 发表于 2014-8-1 09:27
昨天你的作业我今天恐怕没法给你改了，中午就要出发会母校参加活动了，下周一改给你 ...

好的，没关系。

作者: Terry95 时间: 2014-8-3 18:20
8/3 独立题目是我自己在外面找的，因为有范文可对比。
Agree or not agree?
At universities and colleges, sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial supports.
It is, indeed, indisputable that the quality of courses and the number of useful books in libraries are the determinant aspects of a school. However more and more students and prospective employers have been stressing on the importance of sports and social activities in college in the last few decades. This rapid change brings about a question and a pragmatic problem : how crucial are sports and social activities for student and how much money should be expended on them. In my view, the importance of sports and social activities is no less than that of classes and libraries so that the funds should be equally divided into the four subjects.

In the first place, sports and social activities can effectively shape students' physical fitness and communicating skills, the key factors that will determine students' potential of success.Nowadays, when human resources managers consider whether candidates are qualified for a position or not, they will observe not only how far the candidates have achieved in the field of their specialties, which are mostly trained in the classes, but also their abilities to deal with people and their physical appearances; so participation in social events and adequate exercise will facilitate students to find jobs. Moreover, the benefits of sports and social activities are not merely restricted to employment: Except for expertise and knowledge, communicating skills is also a necessary quality of an entrepreneur since, in the modern business process, a pleasant communication with clients can undoubtedly foster turnover and, in turn, increase profits. In short, the schools can help students' career by ensuring that their students have enough chances to exercise and to practice social skills.

Secondly, sports and social activities should be funded as adequately as courses and books.Like the costs of paying salary for professors,of purchasing valuable books, and of providing necessary facilities for classes, the expense of holding a social events and of building a playground or a gym can also be immense. Thus a school with adequate funds for sports and social activities can always do better in promoting students' physical fitness and social skills. In my own experience, I was educated in an university that has plentiful resources of funds to build all kinds of sports utilities and always funds a variety of social activities. On the other hand, Eric, my classmate in high school, graduates from a school where funds are largely spent on classes and books. Before we entered into college, Eric and I had been exactly the same in physical build and social communication. Four years later, I became noticeably more fit and sociable than him. And because of these advantages, I found much more opportunities than Eric in the job market. In conclusion, the financial supports can impose remarkable effects on the construction of sports facilities and the organization of social activities and can provide students more chances to develop social skills that will help them find better jobs.

In a nutshell, sports and social activities can have profound impact on a student's career,so the university should guarantee sufficient funds for them.

作者: GJason 时间: 2014-8-4 10:19

Terry95 发表于 2014-8-1 14:46
好的，没关系。

你31日的作业呢？不能偷懒啊

作者: Terry95 时间: 2014-8-4 10:39

GJason 发表于 2014-8-4 10:19
你31日的作业呢？不能偷懒啊

哈哈， Jason兄，你还欠我一篇7/29的综合呢

作者: GJason 时间: 2014-8-4 20:25

Terry95 发表于 2014-8-4 10:39
哈哈， Jason兄，你还欠我一篇7/29的综合呢

7/29没占座呀

作者: Terry95 时间: 2014-8-4 20:32

GJason 发表于 2014-8-4 20:25
7/29没占座呀

我7.29

的一篇文章你还没改喔

作者: GJason 时间: 2014-8-4 20:42

Terry95 发表于 2014-8-3 18:20
8/3 独立题目是我自己在外面找的，因为有范文可对比。
Agree or not agree?
At universities and colleges ...

贸然改之，顺便偷点精彩段落

作者: GJason 时间: 2014-8-4 20:59
29日综合修改：
最后一个论点似乎有疏漏，有缺陷，其他OK

作者: GJason 时间: 2014-8-4 21:00

Terry95 发表于 2014-8-3 18:20
8/3 独立题目是我自己在外面找的，因为有范文可对比。
Agree or not agree?
At universities and colleges ...

我今天写了相似的题目，是否互批一下？

作者: Terry95 时间: 2014-8-4 21:09

GJason 发表于 2014-8-4 20:42
贸然改之，顺便偷点精彩段落

Jason哥的意见一针见血，我感觉我写作逻辑老存在问题，根源就是分论点选得比较蛋疼。
不过这篇的文章第二个分论点我是用那个正反论证的方法写的。
就是我和一个朋友进了在sports和social activities上花费不同的两所大学，进学前我们身体和社交能力一样，4年后进了在sports和social activities上花费多的大学的我明显比我朋友要壮而且社交能力要强。
我觉得这个逻辑上应该还说得过去啊？？
望Jason不吝赐教

作者: GJason 时间: 2014-8-4 21:41
证明了sports和social activities很重要，但是没法证明你的观点：两者花的钱应该一样多。

作者: Terry95 时间: 2014-8-4 21:46

GJason 发表于 2014-8-4 21:00
我今天写了相似的题目，是否互批一下？

好的，我马上就来看看！

作者: Terry95 时间: 2014-8-4 21:53

GJason 发表于 2014-8-4 21:41
证明了sports和social activities很重要，但是没法证明你的观点：两者花的钱应该一样多。 ...

嗯！很是有道理！！
你看这么改行不行，两个学校同样的funds，一个学校花费平均，一个学校在classes和libraries上花的钱较多，结果那个花费平均的学校培养出来的学生找到工作的几率更大。

作者: 资深少女_贾贾 时间: 2014-8-4 23:00
At universities and colleges, sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries这里我觉得不能这么并列，你可以说体育运动和读书一样中样，但是不能说体育运动和图书馆一样重要对吧。 and should receive equal financial supports.
It is, indeed, indisputable that the quality of courses and the number of useful books in libraries are the determinant aspects of a school. However 这个词要加逗号 more and more students and prospective employers have been stressing on the importance of sports and social activities in college in the last few decades. This rapid change brings about a question and a pragmatic problem : how crucial are sports and social activities for student and how much money should be expended on them. In my view, the importance of sports and social activities is no less than that of classes and libraries so that the funds should be equally divided into the four subjects.
我不知道文章的题目是什么，如果是How crucial.... 这句的话，那么跟class 和 library 就没有直接关系？而且你的论点是，费用应该均匀花在这四项设施上，但是你下文只写了花在sports和social activity的好处，没有涉及到class和library，不知道这样算不算偏题

In the first place, sports and social activities can effectively shape students' physical fitness and communicating skills,这里我倒觉得可以写成两段，一段写physical 一段写communication the key factors that will determine students' potential of success.Nowadays, when human resources managers consider whether candidates are qualified for a position or not, they will observe not only how far the candidates have achieved in the field of their specialties, which are mostly trained in the classes, but also their abilities to deal with people and their physical appearances; so participation in social events and adequate exercise will facilitate students to find jobs. Moreover, the benefits of sports and social activities are not merely restricted to employment: Except for expertise and knowledge, communicating skills is also a necessary quality of an entrepreneur since, in the modern business process, a pleasant communication with clients can undoubtedly foster turnover and, in turn, increase profits. In short, the schools can help students' career by ensuring that their students have enough chances to exercise and to practice social skills.

Secondly, sports and social activities should be funded as adequately as courses and books.Like the costs of paying salary for professors,of purchasing valuable books, and of providing necessary facilities for classes, the expense of holding a social events and of building a playground or a gym can also be immense. Thus a school with adequate funds for sports and social activities can always do better in promoting students' physical fitness and social skills. In my own experience, I was educated in an university that has plentiful resources of funds to build all kinds of sports utilities and always funds a variety of social activities. On the other hand, Eric, my classmate in high school, graduates from a school where funds are largely spent on classes and books. Before we entered into college, Eric and I had been exactly the same in physical build and social communication. Four years later, I became noticeably more fit and sociable than him. And because of these advantages, I found much more opportunities than Eric in the job market. In conclusion, the financial supports can impose remarkable effects on the construction of sports facilities and the organization of social activities and can provide students more chances to develop social skills that will help them find better jobs.
我觉得这段意思跟上一段有一点重复，不如开拓思维，写一点跟career无关的好处什么的。
In a nutshell, sports and social activities can have profound impact on a student's career,so the university should guarantee sufficient funds for them.

文章的用词都挺丰富也没什么语法错误，学习了很多用法。
结构上我觉得结尾可以再写长一点。

作者: joshua1993 时间: 2014-8-5 09:12
楼主是考完G了么？感觉作文有G的感觉

作者: Terry95 时间: 2014-8-5 09:54

joshua1993 发表于 2014-8-5 09:12
楼主是考完G了么？感觉作文有G的感觉

惊奇！！
我确实考完G了，但在努力摆脱G的作文模式。。
兄台怎么看出来我的作文有G的调调呢？

作者: Terry95 时间: 2014-8-5 09:57

资深少女_贾贾发表于 2014-8-4 23:00
At universities and colleges, sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libr ...

美女，你又在改题目了

At universities and colleges, sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries这里我觉得不能这么并列，你可以说体育运动和读书一样中样，但是不能说体育运动和图书馆一样重要对吧。 and should receive equal financial supports.

作者: 资深少女_贾贾 时间: 2014-8-5 18:53

Terry95 发表于 2014-8-5 09:57
美女，你又在改题目了

At universities and colleges, sports and social activities are just as impor ...

my fault

欢迎光临 ChaseDream (https://forum.chasedream.com/)