ChaseDream

标题: 悬月清辉的原创作业贴~好好写作天天向上！ [打印本页]

作者: 悬月清辉 时间: 2014-3-16 10:13
标题: 悬月清辉的原创作业贴~好好写作天天向上！
从今天开始加入小分队大家庭！坚持就是胜利~求狠批

作者: 悬月清辉 时间: 2014-3-16 10:14
2014/3/16 独立写作
Should the government support artists or should the artists support themselves?

The 21 centry has witnessed the increasing of great modern artists arising from the improvement of people's spiritual life. However,some voices in current wisdom argue that weather the government should support artists. As I see it, the art work need the government's donate which is the essential way to be success.
Indeed, artists who ignore the government and do their own work have the freedom as well as,free will in creation to some extent. For one, they can create plenty of surprising productions that convey their attitude forward the world. For another, they have more flexibility of the subject matter as well as the formation to express. The great example is that to interpret the understanding of some conflict between the countries, the artists can use watercolor, sculpture or sketch.
Despite that artists have more space of creation without government's support,I am still more convinced that it is better for them to accept government's help such as the funding or publicity and so on which have the initial dominant position.First of all, artists' works do not always have the good price in the art market,which result in the money earned by them is extremely unstable as to give up their creative work.But if government gives them abundant resource to support the artists, they should not worry about the external condition instead pay more attention to the individual subsistence problems and then stimulate the wonderful work. For these concerns,isn't there ample evidence to justify that governmental financial support of artistic creation serves as a better role than reliance of artist person.
Better still,the government also has the ability to publicize the artists.For artists,the popularity around the world which decides the social status and the income is intensely important.So they also value the way to advertise themselves. However,there is no organization that can maximize the publicity than the government do.Take Michelangelo Buonarroti for instance. Michelangelo was the Renaissance artist who exerted an unparalleled influence on the development of western art.He was asked to create plenty of fantastic works such as "the Sistine Chapel Ceiling"and"David" by the pontiff who gave him the money, tools, stuff and chance to finish them. At that time, he was absorbed in the way to increase the quality of his works and because of his perfect work, he is called one of the three great masters of the Italian Renaissance. Without the chance pontiff gave to him, he might not have had the time and motive power to explode his talent.
Weighing in mind the necessity of government support, all the evidence justifies an unshakable conclusion that the government should pay more attention to the artists rather than correspond them to their own needs,especially in an overwhelming age of cultural prosperity.It is high time that the government had to provide more advertisement and abundant resource to the artists.
word: 470

作者: 悬月清辉 时间: 2014-3-18 00:40
2014/3/17 独立写作
Although science and technology will continue to improve, the most significant improvement for the quality of people's lives have already taken place.

The 21 century has witnessed that our quality of life, such as the traffic and the network technology, have gotten better and better.However, some voices in current wisdom claim that even though the scientific and technical progress will continue,the most significant improvement for the quality of people's life have already taken place.An analysis of this argument would reveal how fallacious it is.As far as my propensity is concerned,I can hardly approve of this assertion.
Indeed,we have to meticulously admit that our life experience have arrived to the top to some extent,which mostly find expression in the way we contact with each other.In the past, only should we write the letter and send it to the friends in different city for one or two weeks if we attempted to keep in touch with someone.But on the contemporary society, social contact have been more easier by the network which we can just use our smart phone to have a video with someone even in another side of earth.
Despite, through out ancient and modern, human been also have lots of issues which even have not been solved such as the way to resist the cancer.It may sound exaggerated that the cancer has damaged everyone's health, but on the whole, the medical scientists point out that the proportion of the people who have the opportunity getting the cancer has risen form 20% to 60%.That is to say,the people include us may have more possibilities getting the cancer or other disease that can't be healed, which makes human unhappy as well as inconvenience.In the light of the aforementioned argumentation,has our life quality already been the peak?
Besides, we also have the requirement of the progress in varies aspects, especially in science and technology, which can make our world be better and get more economic benefit.We do not have to look vary far to find out the validity of this proposition, as common sense tells us that only can we have the more technology, we will have the higher quality of the life with the time goes on. Without the advance of medical science, our illness could not have been cured;without the evolution of network, we could not have had the messages around the world at such short time;without the pullulate of airplane, we could not have traveled all over the world so efficient.
After close examination,it is possible for us to argue that we can not have the absolutely wording that our life have already been the best condition.From long-running perspective, what we aspire for such a controversy is a critical yet objective attitude.
words:430

作者: psychoarya 时间: 2014-3-18 12:33
小伙伴实在不好意思 16号的我下午给你改！

作者: 悬月清辉 时间: 2014-3-18 14:19

psychoarya 发表于 2014-3-18 12:33
小伙伴实在不好意思 16号的我下午给你改！

好的没事~

作者: psychoarya 时间: 2014-3-18 19:19
能力有限。。加油！

作者: jay871750293 时间: 2014-3-18 20:50
向LZ学习了~
加油！！！

作者: 悬月清辉 时间: 2014-3-18 21:59

psychoarya 发表于 2014-3-18 19:19
能力有限。。加油！

改得很好啦~果然有许多小错误写的时候都没注意，也谢谢亲看得如此细致~还有很长的路要走，一起加油！

作者: 悬月清辉 时间: 2014-3-18 22:17

jay871750293 发表于 2014-3-18 20:50
向LZ学习了~
加油！！！

改得很好呢~ 除了犯的许多低级错误以外，那几个句子好像确实换个说法会更顺畅一些。总之也学习了不少~
另外我落实了一下despite这个词，确实应该直接加名词：
despite:
1）+n. eg: despite the aforementioned compromise,I am still……
2）+that+句子 eg: despite that you have the money, you can not……

作者: 悬月清辉 时间: 2014-3-18 22:19

jay871750293 发表于 2014-3-18 20:50
向LZ学习了~
加油！！！

一起加油！

作者: jay871750293 时间: 2014-3-19 13:29

悬月清辉发表于 2014-3-18 22:19
一起加油！

恩恩，一起加油！！！

作者: 悬月清辉 时间: 2014-3-22 16:21
3-22 独立写作
A\D People should state their honest opinions even though they know others will disagree with their views.

With the idea of progressing the ability of expression seeping into the mind of every modern dweller, the relevant skills concerning how to express our idea better burgeon amazingly. However, some voice in current wisdom claim that people should state their honest opinions even though someone will take the negative attitudes. An analysis of this argument would reveal how reasonable it is. As far as my propensity is concerned, I consent to this proposition to this best advantage.

Primarily, only shell we claim our personal opinions, we are able to gather the different ideas from the others weather they agree or not, which can optimize our thinking. Besides, evidence from quantitative research could be cited for further demonstration: up to 70% of interviewees of randomly chosen people in different age claim that they prefer straightforward speaking the ideas to others because they attempt to know the real view from others. That is to say, a healthy and beneficial discussion which have the benefit of establishing the great friendship base on the clear and strong-minded opinions from each other.

On the contrary, it is hard for us to have the sincere friends or the treasure friends relationships if we always just follow peoples minds rather than establish ourselves. For the one aspect, our friends will get the mind that we do not care about or suspect them as just saying something the same to go through the motions when we do not say our opinions honestly so that they may get away from us. For another aspect, if we lose the friends one by one, we can not subsist in the social. On the contemporary society,the world's, as well as the modern social's, connection is getting more and more closeness and complexness, which require our ability of growing the bigger friend circle. So, for the concerns, is there ample evidence to justify that the importance of be honest when we have the views weather there is no one positive?

Finally, maintaining the personal ideas also is good at the development of the companies and the social.Although we may not have conclusive scientific evidence of a cause-effect relationship between the two, ample anecdotal evidence establishes a significant correlation. Imagine what would happen to a company which employee have no idea of optimize their company and just rely on several persons. Under such circumstance which the people who in charge of the building of social also ignore their real thinking because of the worrying towards the different voices, our social will stop progressing.

Above all, it is the varies views and aspects from each of the seven hundreds million peoples above the world make the earth better, more interesting and more colorful. All the evidence justifies an unshakable conclusion that every person shell pronounce their own opinions loudly and confidently.

作者: 悬月清辉 时间: 2014-3-23 19:00

3-23 独立写作

A\D Parents must have strict rules to their children if they want their children to be successful.

With the idea of paying more attention to kids' education seeping into the mind of every modern parent, the relevant conversations and condition concerning the education issue of parents burgeon amazingly. Not surprisingly, it is proposed by many experts that the parents must have strict rules to their children if they want their children to be successful. An analysis of this argument would reveal how fallacious it is. As far as my propensity is concerned, I can hardly approve of this assertion.

Indeed, we have to meticulously admit that parents do need have the strict attitudes between their children on some aspect to some extent, which aware the kids what should do and what should not. Imaging what would happen to a person whose father or mother ignore the mistakes he or she have done such as being dishonest, boorish to others or cheat. Hence, they would be the failing parents if they were lose the rigorousness when the kids make some mistakes, which would not let children realize the problems and even think the methods they do something is great.

Yet, none of these are sufficient evidence to conclude that the mission of prosperity by extremely striction is definitely right. As the time goes on, different people from different era have the different thoughts. Might as well say the rules made by parents more belief purely magnifies the views of which person the parents attempt to be, based on the fallacious idea that successful children must be the person their parents prefer, which often hide the real interests of children. So, this argument leaves us the question-what is the most important element of the succeeding? From an overall perspective, the answer is by all means hobbies. Without the hobbies of physics, Albert Einstein would not have proposed the theory of relativity; without the obsession of art, Claude Monet would not have led to the name of Impressionist painting; without the interest of technology design, Steve Jobs would not have made Apple unparalleled in the world. Under such circumstances, is it correct that the parents do not mind the personal preference and just limit their children around the stuff rules?

Worse still, most of the person who always obey their parents' ideas usually lake the ability of independent thinking which is more and more vital to be successful on the contemporary society. It has been repeatedly mentioned in newspapers, academic articles that up to 70% of interviewees of the dependent person whose family has detailed list of everything claim that they would like to follow others' thinking instead of making themselves be the central of talking, which might site them into the negative condition.

Weighing in mind the potential aftermath of having stuff rules in family, all the evidence justifies an unshakable conclusion that only can the children have the loose and active family environment, they would have the chance of success.

words:482

作者: 纯净水1993 时间: 2014-3-23 20:25
3.22独立写作改

作者: 悬月清辉 时间: 2014-3-23 21:50

纯净水1993 发表于 2014-3-23 20:25
3.23独立写作改

谢谢学习了！

作者: 纯净水1993 时间: 2014-3-23 22:06
互相学习呗~

作者: 悬月清辉 时间: 2014-3-23 23:02

纯净水1993 发表于 2014-3-23 22:06
互相学习呗~

对了亲你帮我改的是22号的哦，23是今天刚写的

作者: 纯净水1993 时间: 2014-3-23 23:04
哦哦不好意思....

作者: 悬月清辉 时间: 2014-3-23 23:29

纯净水1993 发表于 2014-3-23 23:04
哦哦不好意思....

没事就是突然看见了，我看的时候也没注意

作者: JanetYellen 时间: 2014-3-24 23:42

悬月清辉发表于 2014-3-23 19:00
3-23 独立写作 A\D Parents must have strict rules to their children if they want their children to be ...

3-23独立批改完成
---------------------------

作者: 悬月清辉 时间: 2014-3-25 00:48

JanetYellen 发表于 2014-3-24 23:42
3-23独立批改完成
---------------------------

谢谢亲~ 以后会注意长难句与简单句结合滴~~

作者: 悬月清辉 时间: 2014-3-25 15:06
20140324 独立写作
A\D Teachers were more appreciated and valued by the society in the past than today.

Generally speaking, learning the knowledge from our teachers is the first step for us to explore the world we are living. However, some voice in current wisdom claim that teachers were more appreciated and valued by the society in the past than today. An analysis of this argument would reveal how reasonable it is. As far as my proposition is concerned, I consent to this view to its best advantage.

Firstly, with the improvement of technology and internet on the contemporary society, students have plenty of methods of getting the knowledge, while they sometimes do not have to listen what teachers say. Under such circumstance, the reduction of teachers' value is the necessary consequence. The typical example occurs at school. Instead of learning what teachers impart to them, a great many modern students prefer searching the knowledge on the computer or by the smart phone in which also more available than teachers.

On the contrary, people in the past were not have such multiple means of learning something, which purely showed the great values of teachers. If we would go back to 100 years ago, even just 20 years ago, the media for transforming the massage was extremely simplex. They did not have seasonable update of new development so they thought teachers were the most eruditely persons. Besides, they even did not have convenient traffic by which they could go everywhere to widen their vision so that they had to go to school and read books. In the light of the aforementioned argumentation, can not we aware the reasons why teachers were admired in the past?

For another aspect, the lack of social morality, especially respecting teachers, also is a great element of this argument. It has been repeatedly mentioned in newspapers, academic articles that up to 70% of interviewees of students claim that they would not think teachers should be esteemed even though they have the good knowledge. However, check the traditional Chinese proverb,their was one proverb goes that"a teacher of one day is a father of lifetime." Might as well say the ancients had higher quality of morality, which improves the status of teacher at ancient social.

Weighing in mind the argument of whether teachers gather more worth or appreciation, all the evidence justifies an unshakable conclusion that teachers get higher status on social in the past than today. It is high time that government should pay more attention to the education and morality so that to get our social better.

Words:413

作者: JanetYellen 时间: 2014-3-25 20:08

悬月清辉发表于 2014-3-25 15:06
20140324 独立写作
A\D Teachers were more appreciated and valued by the society in the past than tod ...

3-24 独立批改完毕~
-------------------------------

作者: 悬月清辉 时间: 2014-3-25 23:20

JanetYellen 发表于 2014-3-25 20:08
3-24 独立批改完毕~
-------------------------------

谢谢亲~~ 练了这几篇发现确实应该多留意小词的用法及时态，还有“I consent to this view to its best advantage.”是指我认为这个观点是最好的

作者: 悬月清辉 时间: 2014-4-1 17:08
0401独立写作
A\D In twenty years from now, students will not use printed books any more.

With the idea of enjoying high-tech lifestyle seeping into the mind of every modernists, the relevant technology and condition concerning the new media of reading burgeon amazingly, which greatly impact the printed books. However, it is proposed by many experts that in twenty years from now, students will not use printed books any more. An analysis of this argument would reveal how fallacious it is. As far as my propensity is concerned, I can hardly approve of this assertion.

Indeed, we have to meticulously admit that the printed books on the education do have some negatives. The students have so many classes to take every day, which means they also need to take a lot of textbooks even some notebooks to school. The books bring them the additional load so that make them tired easily, which may affect their efficiency of study. If they just take the ipad to school, they would not worry about it. Besides, books which are printed do not have the newest information while the electric books on the internet refresh every moment. Some knowledge which have the new example or some knowledge which just be found cannot be shown at the textbooks so that students have to surf the internet instead of searching their printed books.

Yet, none of these are sufficient evidence to conclude that the printed books will disappear in the future. Might as well say this more belief purely magnifies the status of new media techniques of books, based on the fallacious idea that with the development of scientific technologies, the traditional skill will be replaced, which is often unwarranted. That is to say, the paper-manufactured books have individual character, such as the touch, that the ibook do not have. Imagine which condition would the students chose that if they want to search some knowledge they can put great number of books around the homework book or hardly select the different windows on only one screen. Under such circumstances, the excuse of getting lighter of the load would not be as valid as it seems.

Subsequently, reading e-books have the great damage of people's eyes especially of the students who have to read huge numbers books per day. Reliable statistics also elaborate the same principle: up to 70% of interviewees of students from different level and different school claim that when they keep reading the electronic books longer than 2 hours, their eyes would feel uncomfortable, even some students get shortsightedness or other eyes disease. On the contrary, experts suggest that a great hobby of reading the papery books would not hurt the eyes or make people feel uncomfortable. In the light of the aforementioned argumentation, isn't there ample evidence to justify that the e-books cannot replace the traditional papery books?

Weighing in mind the potential aftermath that people read the book only on screen, all the evidence justifies an unshakable conclusion that students also need the printed books in the future.

words: 490

作者: 悬月清辉 时间: 2014-4-2 19:01

2014.4.2 独立写作
Young people today are more likely to give time and effortimproving the world than young people were at the past.

With the idea of making our life betterseeping into the mind of modern dweller, the aspect of improving the worldbecome increasingly divers. However, some voices in current wisdom claim thatcontemporary young people are more likely to give time and energy improving theworld than young people was at the past. After considering those opinions onthe margin and those in the mainstream, I consent to this proposition to itsbest advantage.

Indeed, we have to meticulously admit thatthere were many people who made the contribution when we oversee the history.Take James Watt, the great inventor in the period of industrial revolution, fora good example. Watt was the person who remembered by others so far, which ismainly ascribed to the improvement of steam engine. It is the creative researchthat let him take the time and effort continually until the success of the machine.

Yet, none of these are sufficient evidenceto conclude this argument and there are ample evidence establishes thesignificant point that the modern people have more passion to change oursocial. In contemporary society, the connection between countries get closerand closer so that the countries' competitiveness get more and more important,which encourage young people get more sense of social responsibility thanbefore. Under such circumstances, people would like to spend longer time ormore effort on science, economy, medical or other technologies in order tooptimize the world we leave.

Besides, comparing with the world ancientpeople leaved, nowaday citizens have more requirement of the better lifestyle,which also stimulate modernist to transform the earth become better. If we goback to the age of Neolithic Period, the tremendous numbers of surveys fromexperts shows that the ancient persons did not have the awareness about leavinginto a greater house or get more relax in their lifetime and what they thoughtwere just the essential problems. On the contrary, the modernists pursuehealthy, convenience or even environmental life instead of where to leave orwhat to eat. That is to say, nowaday people have to pay more attention to theimprovement of the world to satisfy their wish.

In the light of the aforementionedargumentation, isn't there evidence to justify that nowadays human attend totake more time and force to optimize our world? It is high time that our youngpeople should continue the tendency of inflicting the development of the world.

words:405

作者: JanetYellen 时间: 2014-4-3 16:35

悬月清辉发表于 2014-4-1 17:08
0401独立写作
A\D In twenty years from now, students will not use printed books any more.

The essay has been revised. Please see the attachment.

作者: sweetyecho 时间: 2014-4-3 22:08
蓝色错误或者疑惑红色修改意见

With the idea of making our life betterseeping into the mind of modern dweller, the aspect of improving the world become increasingly divers. However, some voices in current wisdom claim that contemporary young people are more likely to give time and energy improving the world than young people was（were） at the past. After considering those opinions on the margin and those in the mainstream, I consent to this proposition to its best advantage.

Indeed, we have to meticulously admit that there were many people who made the contribution when we oversee the history.Take James Watt, the great inventor in the period of industrial revolution, for a good example. Watt was the person who remembered by others so far, which is mainly ascribed to the improvement of steam engine. It is the creative research that let him take the time and effort continually until the success of the machine.

Yet, none of these are sufficient evidence to conclude this argument and there are (is) ample evidence establishes （这句话有问题：there be句型不能和实意动词放在一起，所以there is ample evidence establishing blablabla）the significant point that the modern people have more passion to change our social（society）. In contemporary society, the connection between countries get closer and closer so that the countries' competitiveness get more and more important,which encourage young people get more sense of social responsibility than before. Under such circumstances, people would like to spend longer time or more effort on science, economy, medical or other technologies in order to optimize （从我的理解，optimize不能搭配world，因为optimize通常是优化一个过程，一个操作步骤）the world we leave（我猜你是想用live吧。。。）.

Besides, comparing with the world ancient people leaved, nowaday citizens have more requirement of the better lifestyle,which also stimulate modernist to transform the earth（to let it） become better. If we go back to the age of Neolithic Period, the tremendous numbers of surveys from experts shows that the ancient persons did not have the awareness about （of）leaving into a greater house or get more relax in their lifetime and what they thought were just the essential problems. On the contrary, the modernists pursue healthy, convenience （这三个词词性要一样，所以改成convenient）or even environmental life instead of where to leave or what to eat. That is to say, nowaday people have to pay more attention to the improvement of the world to satisfy their wish.

In the light of the afore mentioned argumentation, isn't there evidence to justify that nowadays human attend to take more time and force to optimize our world? It is high time that our young people should continue the tendency of inflicting the development of the world.

总结一下，亲的语言、句式都没啥大问题，但我读着总感觉吃力，不能很好地catch到你的point。我想了一下，是不是因为你没有在每一段都很明确清晰地提出完全契合这个topic的观点：或打擦边球，或有逻辑的gap。For example，倒数第二段，你举的新石器时期和现在对比的例子，你只提到了那个时代的人们只考虑essential problems，而现在的人会有更高的追求，所以现代人会更努力。而可能在我认为，考虑怎么解决essential problems也是在improve the world呀，而且，他们不见得在这方面花费的时间和精力比现在的人少啊。所以，你可能还需要再补充一些东西来证明观点。这只是我的愚见，还不知道对否？希望能和亲进一步交流一下~

作者: sweetyecho 时间: 2014-4-3 22:28
太sorry了，今天太忙了，看不下去东西，明天回家给你改，行不？真的太不好意思了~希望能原谅我。泪。。。

作者: 悬月清辉 时间: 2014-4-3 23:04

sweetyecho 发表于 2014-4-3 22:28
太sorry了，今天太忙了，看不下去东西，明天回家给你改，行不？真的太不好意思了~希望能原谅我。泪。。。 ...

没事没事~晚安！

作者: 悬月清辉 时间: 2014-4-3 23:07

JanetYellen 发表于 2014-4-3 16:35
The essay has been revised. Please see the attachment.

谢谢~(*^__^*)

作者: sweetyecho 时间: 2014-4-4 19:35
4.2日独立已经批改了，亲去看一下吧

如果我有啥不对，还请指出~~~么么哒！

作者: 悬月清辉 时间: 2014-4-4 21:54

sweetyecho 发表于 2014-4-4 19:35
4.2日独立已经批改了，亲去看一下吧如果我有啥不对，还请指出~~~么么哒！ ...

恩恩看到了~当时写这篇的时候就觉得论点不是很好找，我觉得题目本身就有点模棱两可，所以可能论据不那么有力，不过按照之前托福课老师的说法就是即使自己不确定也要让考官觉得你很确定，说明个人语言能力还需提升！

作者: sweetyecho 时间: 2014-4-4 22:23

悬月清辉发表于 2014-4-4 21:54
恩恩看到了~当时写这篇的时候就觉得论点不是很好找，我觉得题目本身就有点模棱两可，所以可能论据不那么 ...

哈哈，确实是这样的~要对自己的观点有信心！语言真的是一个慢慢积累质变的过程。大家一起加油努力，写更赞的作文！

作者: 悬月清辉 时间: 2014-4-9 09:28
4.8 独立写作
The car(automobile) has had a greater effect on society than the airplane.

With the idea of getting faster and convenience traffic seeping into the mind of every modern dweller, the relevant vehicles, such as automobile, train or airplane, burgeon amazingly. However, some voice in current wisdom claim that the car has had a greater effect on society than the airplane. An analysis of this argument would reveal how fallacious it is. As far as my propensity is concerned, I can hardly approve of this assertion.

Indeed, we have to meticulously admit that the airplane does improve our society to some extent. Because of the invention of airplane, we can travel all over the world and the time on the way is just at most a half day, which is great for us to have the travel that announce the intention to leave and really mean it. Besides, the airport also offers plenty of opportunities of jobs such as airline stewardess, the ground crew and so on, which solve some problems of getting a job.

Yet, not everyone prefer to work at the airport and not every people travels all the time while most of dwellers think staying somewhere to work and have a car to go out with family is the better idea. It may sound exaggerated to say that all the dwellers have no requirement of airplane, but on the whole, sociologists point out that most persons' vehicles is the automobile, which they view is more convenience than airplane. Under this circumstance, the car has had a greater effect on people's life. For these concerns, isn't there ample evidence to justify that people more rely on the car?

Better still, the car make our society more effective than airplane on verity aspects. First, it saves more energy, which fair less than half of the fuel on airplane. Second, it saves more time. Imagine what would happen to a person who under the condition that the airplane just fly a hour but the way to the airport have to take two hours. Without the car, we cannot carry BBQ material to the suburb at weekends; without the car, the government cannot offer the great public traffic; without the car, the people cannot go home quickly after work. And all of the things just mention cannot be done by airplane. In the light of the aforementioned argumentation, can't we say the car make our life more comfortable and higher-efficiency?

Weighing in mind the affection of the car, all the evidence justifies an unshakable conclusion that comparing with the airplane, the car has had more improvise of our world.

Words: 425

作者: coffa 时间: 2014-4-10 22:28

悬月清辉发表于 2014-4-9 09:28
4.8 独立写作
The car(automobile) has had a greater effect on society than the airplane.

多多交流，词汇真好

欢迎光临 ChaseDream (https://forum.chasedream.com/)