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标题: 只要坚持就没有输写作日记 [打印本页]

作者: 啦啦噜啦啦 时间: 2013-12-9 22:31
标题: 只要坚持就没有输写作日记
【12.9】
太久没有写了写得很不顺溜望大神海涵

Talking about modern cities, New York, London, and Paris are representatives of today’s big cities. People are fond of big cities where they can shop, go to bar and have an easier life. Urbanization also becomes an important indicator of the economic level of countries. It seems that the rapid growth of cities brings an abundance of benefits to people and nearly no disadvantages. However, I think that the negative effects brought by the speedy development of cities nowadays outweigh the positive development.

The first and most direct effect is that the development of cities does harm to the environment. More and more people flock into cities making the cities too crowded. As a result, cities have to extend to hold such a plenty of people. Trees are cut and farmlands are ruined to build roads, houses, supermarkets, etc. Therefore, vegetation rate decreases leaving the earth with a growing number of carbon oxides. What’s more, factories are built in the process of the growth of cities, bringing in a huge quantity of pollution. North China today is a good example. Thick fog and haze covers the north China for a long time. Some schools are even suspended for the air quality is so poor that it is harm to student’s health. Even my family is influenced by it. My father usually runs in the park in mornings. My mother asks him not to do morning exercise any more since the air is polluted too heavily. But he thinks that it does not matter that much. Several days before, he feels not comfortable and went to see the doctor. The doctor said it was because of the air and suggested him to do exercise indoor.

Although people lead a richer life, they become less happy. The growth of cities offers people many opportunities to make money. However, more money does not mean happier. People are busy all day long. After several years, they even do not who their neighbors are. I always have to take an hour subway to come to my sister’s house to babysit her daughter sometimes just for a few hours since it is not convenient to take a baby to shop and my sister knows no neighbor to help her. When I was a little girl, I lived with my grandmother in the country. Life was peaceful in the small village. When my grandmother was busy, neighbors always invited me to have meals with them and took care of me. It seemed that everyone knew everyone. Once a family needed help, all others would try to give a hand.

It is true that the rapid growth of cities makes people richer and makes our lives easier. However, it does not mean that it is a mostly positive development for our society, because this process does harm to environment and people’s health, and decreases people’s happiness.

作者: 兔子走路 时间: 2013-12-10 22:11
Talking about modern cities, New York, London, and Paris are representatives of today’s big cities. People are fond of big cities where they can shop, go to bar and have an easier life. Urbanization also becomes an important indicator of the economic level of countries. It seems that the rapid growth of cities brings an abundance of benefits to people and nearly no disadvantages. However, I think that the negative effects brought by the speedy development of cities nowadays outweigh the positive development.

The first and most direct effect is that the development of cities does harm to the environment. More and more people flock into cities making the cities too crowded. As a result, cities have to extend to hold such a plenty of people. Trees are cut and farmlands are ruined to build roads, houses, supermarkets, etc. Therefore, vegetation rate（绿化率？） decreases leaving the earth with a growing number of carbon oxides. What’s more, factories are built in the process of the growth of cities, bringing in a huge quantity of pollution. North China today is a good example. Thick fog and haze covers the north China for a long time. Some schools are even suspended for the air quality is so poor that it is harmful to student’s health. Even my family is influenced by it. My father usually runs in the park in mornings. My mother asks him not to do morning exercise any more since the air is polluted too heavily. But he thinks that it does not matter that much(这一段描述应该是过去时态吧）. Several days before, he feels not comfortable and went to see the doctor.(现在时和过去时混杂在一个句子里了） The doctor said it was because of the air and suggested him to do(suggest sb do sth.) exercise indoor.

Although people lead a richer life, they become less happy. The growth of cities offers people many opportunities to make money. However, more money does not mean happier. People are busy all day long. After several years, they even do not remember who their neighbors are. I always have to take an hour subway to come to my sister’s house to babysit her daughter sometimes just for a few hours since it is not convenient to take a baby to shop and my sister knows no neighbors to(will) help her.(这句话如此之长，可以分开写吧，看着累） When I was a little girl, I lived with my grandmother in the country. Life was peaceful in the small village. When my grandmother was busy, neighbors always invited me to have meals with them and took care of me. It seemed that everyone knew everyone. Once a family needed help, all others would try to give a hand.

It is true that the rapid growth of cities makes people richer and makes our lives easier. However, it does not mean that it is a mostly positive development for our society, because this process does harm to environment and people’s health, and decreases people’s happiness.

总结：结构没有问题，观点语句和实例都足够。稍微有些用词行文方面不完美，可以理解。总的来说，我觉得托福作文并不高深，看完185那些满分作文之后，更加感觉到四平八稳型就够了。不知道你的感觉如何？
另外探讨一个语法问题，我不太明白你的文章里出现的一句话里谓语之后直接加一个动名词这样情况是否正确，比如More and more people flock into cities making the cities too crowded中，flock和making，making之前有个逗号似乎才对。不知道你意见如何？

作者: 啦啦噜啦啦 时间: 2013-12-10 23:35

兔子走路发表于 2013-12-10 22:11
Talking about modern cities, New York, London, and Paris are representatives of today’s big cities. ...

对对，说的没错。要加逗号。我的文章例子太散了。好久没写了。sigh

作者: 啦啦噜啦啦 时间: 2013-12-10 23:36
In order for a business to succeed, it must put more money in advertising.

1.诚实（质量上的）2. 服务 3. 广告确实很重要

Just do it! What does the slogan remind you? The answer must be NIKE. Why can people link the simple sentence with brand NIKE? The power behind it is advertisement. Advertisement helps a company, a product or a store become well-known. It is an essential factor that determines the future of business. However, the importance of advertisement in business doesn’t mean that the business will be successful only with more money putting into advertising. Other factors, such as the quality of products and service, play a more foundational role.

High quality of products is more important than investing more money to advertising for a business to be successful. The most vital factor for a business is the quality of product. High quality products can always have a market. Once a person benefits from a product, he or she recommends the product to other people who also need it. Therefore, the product is “advertised” from mouth to mouth. The profit of the product increases even without investing more money to promote it. On the other hand, if the quality of the product is poor, putting more money into ads even decreases the profit of the product. Once I went shopping with my friend and was going to buy a bottle of shampoo. I wanted to buy a brand which was advertised all day long on the TV. At the moment, I was going to take it. My friend stopped me and said: “Don’t buy this one. It will make you lose your hair. My roommates and I suffered a lot from it. It is expensive because it puts too much money to advertise not because it has a good quality!” Since then, once I see the ads of that brand, I will tell anyone who is with me that this shampoo is not good and will make you lose hair.

Good service matters more than putting more money to advertisements. Service even turns into the determining factor of service industry. Customers become loyal to a store or a company, may simply because the store or the company offers a better service. There are two restaurants in front of our schools called A and B. The food of A is in fact more tasteful than the food of B. Surprisedly, students are more willing to go to B. The reason is that the owner of the restaurant B is friendlier to students and respect students more. Even restaurant A always give away coupons, restaurant B still has a better business. In this way, without a good service more money investing to advertise means that more money is wasted.

If all factors remain the same, this would be the case. People today are exposed to too much information. If a business does not advertise itself, it will be not easy to reach its target market. Two instant coffee brands are basically same. However, one hires a famous singer to be its spokesman and makes an ad film. Suddenly, everyone talks about the film and the coffee. It is no doubt that this one brand will make more profit and become more successful than the second one.

In conclusion, advertisement has a tremendously power to bring success to a business. However, the premise is that only with good quality products and service, the owner of the business will get pay back from more money putting into the business.

作者: 兔子走路 时间: 2013-12-11 11:13
In order for a business to succeed, it must put more money in advertising.

1.诚实（质量上的）2. 服务 3. 广告确实很重要

Just do it! What does the slogan remind you? The answer must be NIKE. Why can people link the simple sentence with brand NIKE? The power behind it is advertisement. Advertisement helps a company, a product or a store become well-known. It is an essential factor that determines the future of business. However, the importance of advertisement in business doesn’t mean that the business will be successful only with more money putting into advertising. Other factors, such as the quality of products and service, play a more foundational role.

High quality of products is more important than investing more money to advertising for a business to be successful. The most vital factor for a business is the quality of product. High quality products can always have a market. Once a person benefits from a product, he or she recommends the product to other people who also need it. Therefore, the product is “advertised” from mouth to mouth. The profit of the product increases even without investing more money to promote it. On the other hand, if the quality of the product is poor, putting more money into ads even decreases the profit of the product. Once I went shopping with my friend and was going to buy a bottle of shampoo. I wanted to buy a brand which was advertised all day long on the TV. At the moment, I was going to take it. My friend stopped me and said: “Don’t buy this one. It will make you lose your hair. My roommates and I suffered a lot from it. It is expensive because it puts too much money to advertise not because it has a good quality!” Since then, once I see the ads of that brand, I will tell anyone who is with me that this shampoo is not good and will make you lose hair.

Good service matters more than putting more money to advertisements. Service even turns into the determining factor of service industry. Customers become loyal to a store or a company, may simply because the store or the company offers a better service. There are two restaurants in front of our schools called A and B. The food of A is in fact more tasteful than the food of B. Surprisedly, students are more willing to go to B. The reason is that the owner of the restaurant B is friendlier（more friendly) to students and respect students more. Even restaurant A always gives away coupons, restaurant B still has a better business. In this way, without a good service more money investing to advertise means that more money is wasted.

If all factors remain the same, this would be the case. People today are exposed to too much information. If a business does not advertise itself, it will be not easy to reach its target market. Two instant coffee brands are basically same. However, one hires a famous singer to be its spokesman and makes an ad film. Suddenly, everyone talks about the film and the coffee. It is no doubt that this one brand will make more profit and become more successful than the second one.

In conclusion, advertisement has a tremendously power to bring success to a business. However, the premise is that only with good quality products and service, the owner of the business will get pay back from more money putting into the business.

总结：没什么问题了。如果是半个小时之内敲出的这么多内容，你肯定没问题了。

作者: 啦啦噜啦啦 时间: 2013-12-11 21:15

兔子走路发表于 2013-12-11 11:13
In order for a business to succeed, it must put more money in advertising.

1.诚实（质量上的）2. 服 ...

被你发现了不是半个小时最近在找感觉。。。

作者: 兔子走路 时间: 2013-12-11 21:39

啦啦噜啦啦发表于 2013-12-11 21:15
被你发现了不是半个小时最近在找感觉。。。

嘿嘿嘿，加油哦~

作者: 啦啦噜啦啦 时间: 2013-12-12 18:23

Apart from polluting environment, the rapid growth of cities decreased people's happiness, although it brings people more material life.(不知道是不是个人的偏好，老师说要有一个句子前后链接两个观点，不能就直接开始一个新的段落，对她说的这一点，我有所保留。) The growth of cities offers people many opportunities to make money. However, more money does not mean happier. People are busy all day long. They work in industries, supermarkets, office, etc.(不知道是因为我的老师逻辑太好还是怎么样，她问我人们在哪儿busy busy干嘛然后我就说office啊，她说或者可以supermarket啊因为这样就跟你前文的supermarlet链接起来了啊) They don't spend too much time at home. Therefore, after several years, they are too busy even to say hello to their neighbors.（之前写的句子跳跃性太强，她让我加一些话作为链接） A typical example is my sister. She knows no neighbor. When she has to shop, I always have to take an hour subway to come to her house to babysit her daughter sometimes just for a few hours. Compare this life experience with the life experience in the country, it is easy to tell that even people living in the country don't have more money, they live a happier life. I lived with my grandmother in the country, when I was a little girl. When my grandmother was busy, neighbors always invited me to have meals with them and took care of me. It seemed that everyone knew everyone. Once a family needed help, all others would try to give a hand. As we can see, we can not gain more happiness in the rapid growth of cities. It is not convincing to say the growth brings mostly positive develoment.

It is true that the rapid growth of cities makes people richer and makes our lives easier. The main purpose of developing cities is trying to improve all aspects of people's lives. However, if people’s health and happiness suffer a lot from this process, it could not claim that the rapid growth of cities is a mostly positive development for our society.

1.外国人的逻辑真的很强大。我第一段说的是外国的城市，但是后面提到的是中国的城市。老师说这样逻辑不好。
2.rich life指的不仅仅是物质丰富还有这个人对他的生存状态满足。原话是“happy with what you already have”
3. 第三段改写比较严重，因为老师说了一个“old to new”的问题。我试着解释一下，也就是说A IS B. B IS c 前一句话说的内容，后一句话要重复一下，再引出新的内容C。总之整篇文章的一个点，要有另一个点在文章的某个地方相呼应。

好累啊。。。。。。兔子兄不知道说清楚没。。你帮我看了两天的作文，我真的好感动，这些主要都是敲给你看的！

作者: 啦啦噜啦啦 时间: 2013-12-12 18:27
她没有对我的语法和句子还有用词什么的提出问题，他们觉得逻辑是最重要的问题。他说我的问题最大在transition，举例子一定要说for example之类的，不然他们看很久才知道我在举例子。一个段子两个例子也要表明才行。不然他们会以为在说一件事情。还有，题目是agree或者disagree的时候，要明确的说出来， I agree that 或者I don't agree that不一定非是这几个词，但是要有这个意思在。恩，基本就是这样，另一篇的问题也差不多，等我恢复精力了再敲。

作者: 啦啦噜啦啦 时间: 2013-12-12 20:24
Just do it! What does the slogan remind you? The answer must be NIKE. Why can people link the simple sentence with brand NIKE? The power behind it is advertisement. Advertisement helps a company, a product or a store become well-known. It is an essential factor that determines the future of business. However, the importance of advertisement in business doesn’t mean that the business will be successful only with more money putting into advertising. Other factors, such as the quality of products and service, play a more foundational role. Since with these two factors, more money putting into the advertisement will eventually pay back. (老师说我前面的foundational写的太抽象了，后面要解释一下才好。)

High quality of products is more important than investing more money to advertising for a business to be successful. investing more money to advertising for a business to be successful is less important than High quality of products. (老师说反过来说比较好，跟主题联系更为紧密) The most vital factor for a business is the quality of product. High quality products can always have a market. Once a person benefits from a product, he or she recommends the product to other people who also need it. Therefore, the product is “advertised” from mouth to mouth. The profit of the product increases even without investing more money to promote it. On the other hand, if the quality of the product is poor, putting more money into ads even decreases the profit of the product. There is an example from real life.(我transition的问题举例子要有连接词) Once I went shopping with my friend and was going to buy a bottle of shampoo. I wanted to buy a brand which was advertised all day long on the TV. At the moment, I was going to take it. My friend stopped me and said: “Don’t buy this one. It will make you lose your hair. My roommates and I suffered a lot from it. It is expensive because it puts too much money to advertise not because it has a good quality!” Since then, once I see the ads of that brand, I will tell anyone who is with me that this shampoo is not good and will make you lose hair. Therefore, as far as we can see, putting more money into advertising does not equal to a successful business. The quality of products take a more important role.(结尾要联系主题的问题)

Good service matters more than putting more money to advertisements. Putting more money to advertisements matters less than Good service.(同上) Service even turns into the determining factor of service industry. Customers become loyal to a store or a company, may simply because the store or the company offers a better service. For instance，there are two restaurants in front of our schools called A and B. The food of A is in fact more tasteful than the food of B. Surprisedly, students are more willing to go to B. The reason is that the owner of the restaurant B is more friendly to students and respect students more. Even restaurant A always give away coupons, restaurant B still has a better business. In this way, without a good service more money investing to advertise means that more money is wasted.

If all factors remain the same, this would be the case.(太概括不知道在说什么) If business have good quality of product and service, the more money investing into advertising will lead to a successful business. If a business does not advertise itself, it will be not easy to reach its target market. Because people today are exposed to too much information.(old-new information 的问题调整了位置) To make the point more clear, there is an example.Two instant coffee brands are basically same. However, one hires a famous singer to be its spokesman and makes an ad film, while the other one does advertise that much. Suddenly, everyone talks about the first film and its coffee. It is no doubt that the first brand will make more profit. From this example, the importance of advertising makes itself clear.
In conclusion, advertisement has a tremendously power to bring success to a business. However, the premise is that only with good quality products and service, the owner of the business will get pay back from more money putting into the business.(我的conclusion总是写不长，老师说要写前文总结加上我的position的重要性，但是我还是不会写啊啊啊)

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