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标题: 独立作文求狠批 [打印本页]

作者: evolanna 时间: 2013-10-21 21:38
标题: 独立作文求狠批
Nowadays ,some people complains that young people depend on their parents too much that they could not make decisions without their parents .But I am the one ,and maybe always be ,those people who hold the opinion that young people are better to make decisions on their own that young people in the past.
Admittedly ,it was common ,in ancient china ,parents made decision for their children .Even ,the whole lives of children might determined by their parents who decided what vocation children should be engaged in ,who children should marry on .It is a proverb that reflect this phenomenon , “parents and matchmakers decided the children’s wives/husbands” .since only under the circumstance that people were constricted by the awareness of confucianism which have great impact on Chinese and society leaded by emperors .Emperors spread the thoughts that children are possession of parents so that children’s life must determined by their parents ,which cause that young people could not make better decision .
In contemporary society, dependent as some young people are , there are large number of young people make better choice on their own. With development of society and spreading of different kinds of culture ,parents realized that determining for their children would cause physically and mentally damage to their children .People who cannot make appropriate decision are at odds with contemporary society which need far-seeing people .In another words ,people’s life hinge on the decisions they make .So Instead of making decision for their children ,an increasing number of parents choose to provide some suggestion to their children in order to develop the children’s ability on how to determine matters .Hence young people can make better decisions than before .They determine their life well .They are responsible for their lives .And they never regret decisions they made. My experience is case in point .When I was seven years old ,my mother began to develop the ability of making decisions .I decided to study music and she taught me how to choose instruments .With the help of my mother , I determined to play the violin which gave me competitive edge .After ten years learning ,I passed the exam of ability of art which help me entered one of the famous university in China. Similarly,this point also can be illustrated by my cousin’s experience .When he was young , he wanted to experience the variety kinds of life and expanded his outlook ,so he decided to go abroad .It was his parents that support him and provide the chance of best education of English in our city .After several years of Endeavour his dream came true and now he is a PHD of psychology which fields he enjoyed in the US .
In conclusion ,it is young people nowadays that can make better decisions than young people in the past.

作者: gre呀gre 时间: 2013-10-22 13:03

错误没错但是改了更好段落结构问题

Nowadays ,some people complains that youngpeople depend on their parents too much that they could not make decisionswithout their parents .But I am the one ,and（我觉得把and去掉会更简洁，放在这没什么错，但是去掉会更符合老外习惯？） maybe always be ,（加上of，不能直接说I am the one those people，应该是I amthe one of those people）those people who hold the opinion that young people are better tomake decisions on their own that(打错了吧，应该是than)young people（加上did） in the past. 我觉得这里咱们的理解不一样啊，题目说的是以前的年轻人更依赖父母做决定而现在的年轻人更喜欢自己做决定，你同不同意这个说法，所以对比应该是时间前后的对比，但是你的第一句说的是现在的年轻人太依赖父母，没有提到之前的年轻人怎样怎样，所以后面突然出来比之前的年轻人做决定做得好感觉有点突兀诶，就是文章构造的问题，求讨论。

Admittedly ,it was common ,in ancient china,parents made decision(decisions) for theirchildren .Even ,the whole lives of children might (加上be，这里你想说的应该是被决定) determined by their parents whodecided whatvocation（把what改成which，而且这里用vacation有点奇怪啊，要去哪一个假期有点怪，要不换成summercamp夏令营？） children should be engaged in ,who children should marry on（marry一般和with搭配，或者直接去掉with用及物动词的形式也行）.It is a proverb that reflect（reflects吧） this phenomenon , “parents andmatchmakers decided（一般谚语都用一般现在时，改成decide） the（这里没有特指哪一个小孩，所以应该去掉the） children’s wives/husbands” .since only under the circumstance thatpeople were constricted by the awareness of confucianism which have greatimpact on Chinese and society leaded by emperors （since引导的是一个从句，这里没有完整句子）.Emperorsspread the thoughts that children are(were)possession of parents so that children’s life(lives) must(加上be，被动)determined by theirparents ,which cause（caused吧） that young people（最好一直用young people，前面一直在说children，后面变成young people有点奇怪，children和年轻人还是有点区别的） could not make better decision(decisions) .

In contemporary society, dependent as someyoung people are , there are large number（numbers） of young people（加上that或者把make变成making） make better choice on their own. Withdevelopment of society and spreading of different kinds of culture ,parentsrealized that determining for their children would cause physically and mentally（physical and mental） damage to their children .People who cannot make appropriate decision(s) are at odds with contemporary societywhich need(s) far-seeing people .In another(other) words ,people’s life hinge on thedecisions they make .So Instead of (parents’ ，因为后面句子的核心词是number而不是parents)making decision(s) for their children ,an increasing numberof parents choose to provide some suggestion(s)to their children in order to develop the children’s ability on how todetermine matters .Hence young people can make better decisions than before.They determine their life(lives) well .They areresponsible for their lives .And they never regret (加上the更好)decisions they made. My experience is (加上a) case in point .When I was seven years old ,my mother began todevelop the（the 换成my，不是你麻麻在发展她自己的能力） abilityof making decisions .I decided to study music and she taught me how to chooseinstruments .With the help of my mother , I determined to play the violin whichgave me competitive edge .After ten years（years’） learning ,I passed the exam of ability of art which help（helped） me entered（enter） one of the famous university（universities） in China. Similarly, thispoint also can be illustrated by my cousin’s experience .When he was young , hewanted to experience the(换成a) variety kinds of life（lives） and expanded（to expand） his outlook ,so hedecided to go abroad .It was his parents that support（supported） him and provide（provided） the chance of best education of English inour city .After several years of Endeavour(小写) his dream came true and now he is a PHD of psychology which fields（field） he enjoyed in the US .(最后这句没看懂--)

In conclusion ,it is young people nowadaysthat can make better decisions than young people in the past.

Tips.

1 逗号和空格有点不对，应该是一个句子完了之后逗号，然后空格，然后继续下一句，大概是这样：In conclusion, it is young people… 而不是In conclusion ,it is young people…

2 不知道跟CD的上传有没有关系，总之分段的时候要不然是每段顶头写，一段完了之后空一行然后继续下一段，要不然是每段开始的时候空两个字，每段和每段之间没有空行

大概是这样：

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或者是

0000xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

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我个人比较喜欢第一种

3 让步段太长了啊，跟支持你观点的段落几乎一样长，不看第一段的话其实看不出来你的观点啦。我不知道OG上怎么规定的，但是只举出一个原因好像有点少啊，不知道可不可以。

4 单复数和时态，全是小问题，但是全篇出现的太多了，所以写的时候稍微留意下，因为这个丢分有点划不来~

有什么问题我们再讨论啦~

作者: evolanna 时间: 2013-11-11 21:13

gre呀gre 发表于 2013-10-22 13:03
错误没错但是改了更好段落结构问题Nowadays ,some people complains that youngpeople depend on thei ...

呀。。。队长不好意思啊。。。前段时间一直忙于实验，所以没有看到，而且不晓得原来这里回帖是看不到提示的，谢谢组长的狠批~~真不好意思哈。。现在才看到

作者: evolanna 时间: 2013-11-12 22:29
Governments should support the artist
Some people claimed that governments should not support artist as art is not of the essence of humans’ daily lives. But I am, and probably always be, one of those who argue that governments are supposed to provide support to artist, because not only do people enjoy the art, but also improve humans’ morality.

Admittedly, some people argue that art is not a dispensable part of people’s lives. Art is inferior of science which elevate standard of living. Cell phones promote mutual communication among people. The advent of automobiles makes travel easier. And computers provide a convenient way for people to acquire knowledge. They claimed that some top artists posses a large amount of wealth, especially some movie stars and pop music singers. So artists are not supposed to be supported.

AS far as I am concerned, without art, people’s lives would be gloomy. Art cannot bring the improvement of the substantial but the spiritual world. It is common sense that people really enjoy paintings, literature and music. When people glare at paintings and read literatures they can observe another aspect of world which they have never experienced. When people listen to a concert they might feel a variety of emotions. A recent research shows that Bach’s music can help people both release the nerve-racking and feel calm. And children who study a instrument or paintings, arguably, is more clever than others.

What’s more, not only does art bring beauty to people, but also instill high moral value. All kind of art comes from realistic life. It has specific proposes which help people to know the world incisively. Instead of providing convenient life, artists devote themselves to elevate people’s moral value through art. In general, art arouses different kinds of emotion of humans, happiness and desperate, calm and fury and so on. In the end, with the effect of art, world will become more beautiful, harmony and peaceful.

In addition, affluent as some top artist are, a large amount of artist are lack of money. They are not famous, hence, nobody wants to purchase their paintings or spend money in listening to their concerts. Because of being lack of money, some artist cannot afford high expenses of learning and equipment. It’s common that some gifted artists give up acquiring skills. With low incomes, they have to earn money by teaching kids and performing in the small and poor theater which do harm to their skills. Worse even, a few artist stop pursuing art and find jobs in some other fields.

In conclusion, governments are obligated to provide supports to artist.

作者: yagiliang 时间: 2013-11-14 01:13
Hi ,我想问一下你11.12的综合放上来了吗？能给我个链接不？

作者: evolanna 时间: 2013-11-14 16:13

yagiliang 发表于 2013-11-14 01:13
Hi ,我想问一下你11.12的综合放上来了吗？能给我个链接不？

小伙伴。。。上一楼就是作文哈。。。

作者: yagiliang 时间: 2013-11-14 19:55

evolanna 发表于 2013-11-14 16:13
小伙伴。。。上一楼就是作文哈。。。

我改的你是综合吧，楼上那篇不是独立咩？

作者: evolanna 时间: 2013-11-14 22:51

yagiliang 发表于 2013-11-14 19:55
我改的你是综合吧，楼上那篇不是独立咩？

The reading passage explores the issue of that if the Checalier's memoir are accurate. The professor's lecture deals with the same issue. However,sh she thinks the memoir is accurate, which contradicts what the reading states. And in the lecture , she uses three specific points to support he idea.

First of all, the reading passage sugguests that Chevalie is not wealthy and he did not spend money on parties and gambling, but the professor claims in lecture that he is really wealthy. This is because first he must borrow money from others then he waited for money. Finally, he did earn a lot of money from gambling.Obviously, the speaker's argument disprove its counterpart in the reading.

What's more, despite the statement in the reading material that Chevalier records in the memoir between himself and the famous writer Voltaire is inaccurate, the lecturer contends that The Chevalie states in his memoir that each night inmmediately after conversing with Woltaire, he wrote down everything he could remember about the particular night's conversation and he kept notes for many years.

Finally, the speaker asserts that Checalier's escape is comfirmed by the documents of the Venice and after his escape, they repaired the ceiling and other people had a larger number of polically well connected friends also which is the same as what Chevalier recored whereas the author of the reading claims that his escape is false.

In conclusion, the professor clearly identifies the weaknesses inthe reading passage and convincingly shows that the central arguement in the reading is incorrect

ps：我记得。。是不是独立也改啊。。亲。。。

作者: evolanna 时间: 2013-11-14 22:54
[attach]133408[/attach]这是11.14号的。。。谢谢小伙伴修改啦

作者: carmensh 时间: 2013-11-16 08:52

evolanna 发表于 2013-11-14 22:54
这是11.14号的。。。谢谢小伙伴修改啦

[attach]133444[/attach]
不好意思这两天事情比较多改晚了~小伙伴见谅哈！！

作者: evolanna 时间: 2013-11-16 13:48

carmensh 发表于 2013-11-16 08:52
不好意思这两天事情比较多改晚了~小伙伴见谅哈！！

小伙伴改的好认真呢。。。谢谢啦。。。建议真的都很不错呢。。。有一点儿疑问，就是个人喜欢把让步段放在前面，这样，后面的文字就能用来驳斥前面的让步段。。。但是又有书上说应该放在后面，所以好纠结的说。。

作者: carmensh 时间: 2013-11-16 16:06

evolanna 发表于 2013-11-16 13:48
小伙伴改的好认真呢。。。谢谢啦。。。建议真的都很不错呢。。。有一点儿疑问，就是个人喜欢把让步段放在 ...

可能这两种都可以吧，不过我看见的貌似放在后面的多一些~~不过能自圆其说就好啦~

作者: evolanna 时间: 2013-11-17 21:41
15号的作文。。。写的好烂。。第一次跑题了。。。然后写了第二遍。。。[attach]133516[/attach]

作者: evolanna 时间: 2013-11-18 07:06
17号的作文。。。也很烂。。[attach]133552[/attach]谢谢小伙伴了~

作者: evolanna 时间: 2013-11-20 22:59
11.20~~谢谢小伙伴[attach]133787[/attach]

作者: evolanna 时间: 2013-11-25 22:36
麻烦小伙伴了~~~么么哒[attach]134172[/attach]

作者: evolanna 时间: 2013-11-29 22:53
11.29独立[attach]134482[/attach]

作者: evolanna 时间: 2013-12-6 21:40
12.6号独立+综合，谢谢小伙伴啦[attach]134858[/attach][attach]134860[/attach]

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