ChaseDream

标题: [求批改]Why do people attend college?托福作文处女座，9.8考试求战友 [打印本页]

作者: 慕容小雪 时间: 2013-8-25 20:55
标题: [求批改]Why do people attend college?托福作文处女座，9.8考试求战友

Nowadays, there isan increasing number of students who attend college after graduating from highschool. But why do so many people want to attend college? Just for plentiful salaries,or high status? It is undeniable that some students are required by theirparents .A large percentage of students who attend college, however, arewilling to widen their horizon, learn how to be successful and cultivate theability of dealing with problems.

To begin with, variouscourses can meet different freshmen's interest and widen their horizon, as wellas make common issues with teacher. As we all know, college provides variouskinds of courses and subjects such as economics, environment, math andliterature. If a student is good at writing, he will choose literature as hisfirst course and promote his composition ability under the help of teacher. Aperfect example can be found in my cousin, whose teacher is the CEO of Google, afterseveral taking with his teacher, the CEO believes that my cousin is talent at ITand eventually invites him to work for Google.

Nevertheless,abundant knowledge is not final goal. Since colleges employ a lot of famousprofessors and leads in economic, society and polity, students are able tolearn how to be successful from them .For instance, every week Harvard Universityinvites some famous persons who were members of Harvard Universitydecades ago. The motivate speech demonstrates how famous persons overcomedifficulties and then achieve reward, encouraging students not to give up and tofirmly believe that one day their dreams will come true.

Last but not least, asan old saying which goes that 'Life is rough', students have to face with unexpecteddifficulties at any time .If they can't overcome difficulties, life will sinkinto dark. College is just like half of society and it absorbs different styleof people. The problems that you are failed to communicate with your roommatesand that your study is in a mess will occur everyday, and only if you have theability of dealing with problems may you live better life in the future. What’smore, if Hawking is able to defeat his incurabledisease and writes the famous book ‘A brief history of time’, no difficulties willyou be afraid of.

So, if there isanyone out there who still doubts why people attend college and why college isbeneficial for students in achieving knowledge , learning ways to success and cultivating the ability ofdealing with problems ,this essay is myanswer.

第三篇写作
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The environmental issue is too complex to be handled by the individual. (100123CN=080314NA)
Currently,with the booming development of economy,environmental pollution has brought such big problems that it has led to dramatical attention among the  world. Some people favor the idea that individual plays a significant role in safegarding environment,while others insist that  countries are more efficient in handling complex environmental issue.To my way of thinking, the latter captures my heart because country should shoulder more responsibility  due to its higher efficiency,the influence in market price and economy on that issue.

To begin with,unlike individual,different countries can cooperate and implement legislation which constraints all the countries in the globe,to  to solve environmental issue more efficiently.A perfect example can be found in global warming,a phenomenon caused by carbon dioxide,since global temperature continuously rise up,especially with the increase of sea level,many countries have generally come to recognize the significance of protecting environment.As a result,in 2005, more than 100 countries joint to sign on "Kyoto Protocol" and until now is following its regulations on charging the release of carbon dioxide in industry,planting numorous trees and implementing environmental-friendly equipments,etc.what's more,top environmentists and scientists from the world devote themselves to studying how to alleviate environmental problems.It’s way beyond single person's ability to  fulfill above assignments.

Secondly,countries like China often performs as "invisible hand" in regulating market price to encourage citizens to do something good for environment.You may be hard to imagine what's the relation between price and environment.Let me illustrate about that.In order to alleviate air pollution ,government in American encourages people to cut down their gasonline consumption by incresing its price. In order to cut down the release of waste water,government in China requests chemical industries to hand in more tax which is used to cope with waste water.With out government's effort in regulating price,people will continue to waste precious sources on earth and do harm to environment.

Someone might undermine my idea by demonstrating that a high-prestige individual has huge influence on market price,but what I must  emphasize  is that even if he/she is popular,he/she can only affect a certain field .Besides,the property of a single person only account for small percentage of that of a country,as a result,a country has powerful ability to substain research on environmental issue ,deal with toxic gas and water as well as purchase valuable environmental-friendly equipments from other countries. According to a survey conducted by Environmental Protection Department of China,the sale of cosmopolitan environmental-friendly equipments rises from 28% in 2000 to 58 in 2012,and top developed countries account for 90% of the sale.

Since country is representative of people,in some sense,the effort of single  person can't be ignored. But only could we accumulate all the individuals's energy,in the form of a country,anything complex will seem like paper tiger . Therefore,I have every confidence to say that environmental issue is too complex for individual to resolve,and country have more advantages on efficiency,social effect and economy.

作者: 第十个印第安人 时间: 2013-9-4 10:34
实话说。。。中二气质爆棚，从内容上来看，第二个第三个论点优点偏离主题，缺乏coherance,遣词造句中规中矩。不过中间几个句型用得有点出彩，可惜是在第二第三论点处。劝楼主时不时点下题，让论点更能支撑中心思想。我也9.8考，时间不多了，GOODLUCK
PS:楼主有见到9.8的JJ不？

作者: forevermeichen 时间: 2013-9-6 10:26
说的不好听点。看了开头就觉得有很大问题。句子冗余，用词也不准。plentiful salaries和high status真是太奇怪了。。。required by parents。。。太粗浅了。。。第一段摆的论点也不太好。还不如说学习知识；认识更多朋友；为找工作打基础之类的烂俗理由

作者: 慕容小雪 时间: 2013-9-6 20:59

forevermeichen 发表于 2013-9-6 10:26
说的不好听点。看了开头就觉得有很大问题。句子冗余，用词也不准。plentiful salaries和high status真是太 ...

谢谢。麻烦能帮我看下写的第二篇吗？
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The environmental issue is too complex to be handled by the individual. (100123CN=080314NA)
Currently,with the booming development of economy,environmental pollution has brought such big problems that it has led to dramatical attention among the  world. Some people favor the idea that individual plays a significant role in safegarding environment,while others insist that  countries are more efficient in handling complex environmental issue.To my way of thinking, the latter captures my heart because country should shoulder more responsibility  due to its higher efficiency,the influence in market price and economy on that issue.

To begin with,unlike individual,different countries can cooperate and implement legislation which constraints all the countries in the globe,to  to solve environmental issue more efficiently.A perfect example can be found in global warming,a phenomenon caused by carbon dioxide,since global temperature continuously rise up,especially with the increase of sea level,many countries have generally come to recognize the significance of protecting environment.As a result,in 2005, more than 100 countries joint to sign on "Kyoto Protocol" and until now is following its regulations on charging the release of carbon dioxide in industry,planting numorous trees and implementing environmental-friendly equipments,etc.what's more,top environmentists and scientists from the world devote themselves to studying how to alleviate environmental problems.It’s way beyond single person's ability to  fulfill above assignments.

Secondly,countries like China often performs as "invisible hand" in regulating market price to encourage citizens to do something good for environment.You may be hard to imagine what's the relation between price and environment.Let me illustrate about that.In order to alleviate air pollution ,government in American encourages people to cut down their gasonline consumption by incresing its price. In order to cut down the release of waste water,government in China requests chemical industries to hand in more tax which is used to cope with waste water.With out government's effort in regulating price,people will continue to waste precious sources on earth and do harm to environment.

Someone might undermine my idea by demonstrating that a high-prestige individual has huge influence on market price,but what I must  emphasize  is that even if he/she is popular,he/she can only affect a certain field .Besides,the property of a single person only account for small percentage of that of a country,as a result,a country has powerful ability to substain research on environmental issue ,deal with toxic gas and water as well as purchase valuable environmental-friendly equipments from other countries. According to a survey conducted by Environmental Protection Department of China,the sale of cosmopolitan environmental-friendly equipments rises from 28% in 2000 to 58 in 2012,and top developed countries account for 90% of the sale.

Since country is representative of people,in some sense,the effort of single  person can't be ignored. But only could we accumulate all the individuals's energy,in the form of a country,anything complex will seem like paper tiger . Therefore,I have every confidence to say that environmental issue is too complex for individual to resolve,and country have more advantages on efficiency,social effect and economy.

作者: 追梦CY 时间: 2013-9-6 22:03
虽然只是草草看了几眼，也提点小建议，标点符号后面要空一格再写新的单词哦。另外感觉模板有点生硬，还有就是注意不要写太多run-on sentence，几个句子之间要有连词连接起来。个人愚见，考试加油！

作者: forevermeichen 时间: 2013-9-7 16:14
不好意思，说话不太好听。本来准备帮你改完的，最后发现错误太多不好改，就改了2段你看着思考思考自己问题就好。楼主的水平应该是在20分以下的。主要问题很多，比如滥用逗号，导致有的该断句的没断，结构有问题。然后用词不准且太过通俗。行文中式英语思维严重，句式缺乏变化。而且有事有些wordy。还有诸如全球变暖之类的，不能说是由于二氧化碳，而是排放，而且是温室气体的排放，不只有二氧化碳。建议楼主先下个叫易改的软件，把基本的单复数和单词错误给改掉再贴上来。如果不会用词也可以参照词典。这还有个美国人用的同义词查询的网站，奉上http://thesaurus.reference.com/。下面是我个人对前两段的看法。

Currently,with the booming development of （罗嗦，直接with the boom/development of）economy,environmental pollution has brought such(so,so...that结构) big（可以用更地道的词，比如severe）problems that it has led to dramatical attention among the world. （ led to换成drawn）Some people favor the idea that individual plays a significant role in safegarding（safeguarding） environment,while others insist that countries are more efficient in handling complex environmental issue.To my way of thinking, the latter captures my heart because country should shoulder more responsibility due to its higher efficiency,the influence in market price and economy on that issue.（这个感觉逻辑有问题，market price和economy似乎没什么直接联系）To begin with,unlike individual（加s）,different countries can cooperate and implement legislation（implement legislation说法不对，如果是在立法方面合作应该是cooperate in the aspect of legislation）which constraints all the countries in the globe,to to（这里又有都逗号又是2个to而且前面是限制后面应该是表示不能做什么） solve environmental issue more efficiently.A perfect example can be found in global warming,a phenomenon caused by carbon dioxide（这里应该说温室气体的排放the emission of greenhouse gases）,since global temperature continuously rise up,especially with the increase of sea level,many countries have generally come to recognize the significance of protecting environment.As a result,in 2005, more than 100 countries joint to sign on "Kyoto Protocol" and until now is（这应该是are吧） following its regulations on charging the release of carbon dioxide in industry,planting numorous trees and implementing environmental-friendly equipments,etc.what's more,top environmentists and scientists（个人感觉后面的科学家是多余的） from the world devote themselves to studying how to alleviate environmental problems.It’s way（way多余） beyond single person's ability to fulfill above assignments.
我也花几分钟跟着你的思维写了个类似的开头，你参考下
Currently,with the boom of global economy,environmental problems has become one of the biggest problem,which draws everyone’s attention.Some people believe that individuals plays a prime role in dealing with such issues,while the others think that the leading actors should be the governments.As I see it,I am a big fan of the latter due to more power and sources,greater efficience haboured by the governments and its inherent accountability.

作者: 慕容小雪 时间: 2013-9-7 19:00

forevermeichen 发表于 2013-9-7 16:14
不好意思，说话不太好听。本来准备帮你改完的，最后发现错误太多不好改，就改了2段你看着思考思考自己问题 ...

谢谢大牛~~ 没关系，狠批才有进步。谢谢你给的建议

作者: forevermeichen 时间: 2013-9-7 20:08

慕容小雪发表于 2013-9-7 19:00
谢谢大牛~~ 没关系，狠批才有进步。谢谢你给的建议

我是小学渣。建议你看看许轶的冲刺托福满分作文。里面基本的谋篇布局思想说的挺好的

欢迎光临 ChaseDream (https://forum.chasedream.com/)