ChaseDream

标题: 倾海的作文贴 [打印本页]

作者: 倾海比目鱼 时间: 2013-8-19 20:00
标题: 倾海的作文贴
第一次写，没有思路，很差劲。麻烦ceder的牛牛指点下方向啊。工作忙，九月1号考

The opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than to older people.

Celebrities,such as famous entertainers and athletes are greatly influence our modern society due to they always express a energic and powerful image for young people to some agree.From this perspective,i would like to said,some celebrities like famous entertainers and atheletes are actually more important to younger people than to older people.There are two dimensions to testify my hypothesis.

Firstly,celebrities like famous entertainers and athletes are very noising and chaos in the current audorium so that many youth like this atmosphere while badly influent older people.For example,in a pop conceits,so many mental music will largely damage older people’s heart ,it is so dangerous if some older people have a heat attack.

Furthermore,celebrities about famous entertainers and athletes are a symbol of fashion in our modern society so that majority of younger people think it fascinating for them to join in and gain some exciting information for their immature dream,while older people are more like to focus on some quiet traditional culture such as Bejing opera or gardening and so on.For example,as students in university,we more like to listen pop music and talk some gossips about famous entertainers and athletes such as Liuxiang or Jackie Chan,However,my grafhther and gradmother more always focus on gardening that how to cultivate orchids better.

In addition,older people is difficult to follow the rapid change in such fashion society and also no interested in this trecency.the youth can spend more time in such issues and also broaden their horizons.

In conclusion,the opinions of celebrities are more important to younger people than to older people.

作者: pyivy 时间: 2013-8-19 21:16
标题: RE: 倾海的作文贴-修改
第一次修改，不知道是不是这样传附件

作者: FrancisEvens 时间: 2013-8-20 17:00

再发作业时最好把作业日期和题目粘贴过来哦差点以为木有呢。。。

The opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than to older people.（开头段最好再完整一些，先叙述背景，接着列出两种观点，最后说支持哪一种）

Celebrities,such as famous entertainers and athletes are greatly influence(influencing) our modern society due to(due to后面常接名词或名词短语，要连句子的话可以用because) they always express a energic and powerful image for young people to some agree(这个用法没有见到过，想表达什么意思？最好还是换种说法）.From this perspective,i would like to said,（去掉逗号用that连接宾语从句）some celebrities like famous entertainers and atheletes（这个组合貌似在此处是第三次出现了，建议频繁更换同义近义词） are actually more important to younger people than to older people.There are two dimensions to testify my hypothesis（用“假说”这个说法是不是不太合适，毕竟假说是一种没有被证明的猜测）.

Firstly,celebrities like famous entertainers and athletes（同样是用词重复的问题） are very noising and chaos(这个词貌似不能形容人，只能说环境） in the current audorium so that many youth like this atmosphere while badly influent older people.（这句话语法有些问题，是想表达年轻人喜欢嘈杂所以嘈杂的名人会被喜欢？但是“many youth like this atmosphere”不能成为“celebrities are noising”的原因，"so"“that”使用不当while后面要省略的话前后逻辑主语至少必须一致,可以改为while older people are badly influenced）For example,in a pop conceits（楼主是否想说“concert”) ,so many（many只能形容可数名词） mental music will（would) largely damage older people’s heart ,(到这里这句话应该截止了，因为后面出现了第二个主语，并且这两句之间没有连接词）it is so dangerous if some older people have a heat（heart） attack.（感觉本论点不是很有说服力，运动员也并没有很noisy/chaos）

Furthermore,celebrities about（不当） famous entertainers and athletes are a symbol of fashion in our modern society so that（建议楼主查一查so that 的用法，它表达的是因果关系，此处不适用） majority of younger people think it （is）fascinating for them to join in and gain some exciting information for their immature dream,while（这个while用得很好） older people are（此处like是动词，不要加are) more like to focus on some quiet traditional culture(不能叫文化，用activities) such as Bejing opera（京剧是Peking Opera，就像北京大学是Peking University) or(去掉or) gardening and so on.For example,as students in university,we more like to listen pop music and talk(这里若一定要用talk就要变成词组talk about因为talk当谈论什么讲时是不及物动词。考虑到后面“about”的重复，可以用discussion替代） some gossips（gossip作绯闻讲时感觉不可数，这点我不是很确定） about famous entertainers and athletes such as Liuxiang or Jackie Chan,（句号哦）However,my grafhther（grandfather) and gradmother(grandmother) more always(“更经常”不能这么表达） focus on gardening that（删去） how to cultivate orchids better.

In addition,older people is difficult（it is difficult for old people) to follow the rapid change(加s) in such (a) fashion society and also no(Not to mention they are not) interested in this trecency.the youth can spend more time in such issues and also broaden their horizons.

In conclusion,the opinions of celebrities are more important to younger people than to older people.(同样和开头一样，结尾最好重复一下之前的几个论点，再重申结论句）

本人非牛，说得不对请见谅

整体感觉上语言偏Chinglish，多读一读native speaker写的文章，不要学偏口语化的句子。语法方面加强下句子结构~

作者: 倾海比目鱼 时间: 2013-8-20 20:30

FrancisEvens 发表于 2013-8-20 17:00
再发作业时最好把作业日期和题目粘贴过来哦差点以为木有呢。。。

感谢FrancisEvens的耐心改正。向你学习！

作者: 倾海比目鱼 时间: 2013-8-20 21:09
第一次发综合。超时了。听的内容也少来不及做笔记
The disadvantages of private collectors selling and buying fossils are revealed in the reading passage.However,the professor in the lecture considers that even though there are lot of bad influences of trading fossils,some important possive factors have to be point out.which challenges what the reading states,and she provides three specific points to support her statement.
First of all,the reading claims that private collectors not allow the public to appreciate the fossils after they possessed and then lead the public interests about fossils decline.the professor argues that this phenomenon is exagerated because when more fossils be traded in the open marker,it means more opportunities for some instuments such as scholl's library to buy and exhibit such fossils..
Moreover,the professor indicates that fossils should pass scientific experts hand before such fossils to be traded and that means more data and information about fossils can be collected by those scientists.whereas the reading sugests that some information about fossils may be lossed by scientists will lose access to them.
Lastly,dispite the statement in the reading that fossils collectors might distroy the valuable scientific evidence during collecting fossils,the professor indicates that when fossils collectors discover the fossils ,it is means that more and more fossils can be unearth and provide more valuable imformation about the fossils that can be rearch by scientists.

作者: 倾海比目鱼 时间: 2013-8-20 21:55
8.19独立
How to succeed is a heated topic related to the different directions is discussed by the public and authorities.As this issue caught such attention,some people claims that if we want to succeed, we should be more different from everyone else than be like others.However,according to my experience,I insists that being like others is more important.Viewpoints from two dimensions as follow will testify my statement.
First of all,when someone lack enough experience,or even no learn the necessary skill and knowledge,obviously,the first step is to observe and imitate others that are sophisticate with the tasks those fish have to fulfill.On the other hand,making sure the right direction is extremely important for someone to achieve their desirable outcomes,so if those people like to be different from everyone, it is impossible for them who never tough practical or learn anything to obtain great accomplishments.For instance,when I take a TOFEL examination but I is no farmilliar with the structure and content about it ,it is impossible for me to get a satisfied score at once.
Moreover,if we possessed some skillful and experienced about the distinction we want to locate,we still have to learn some shortcut from others.Nowadays society with intense competition,time is a explicitly decisional element for someone to defeat others and get successful results.Steve jobs,one of greatest men in the modern world,is become a monument that numerous person is imitating and urging to be a notable people like he.Meanwhile,admitting other’s value that facilicate access to the successful way is a resolution for someone who want to securely gain succeed.
To sum up,considering above factors,be different from everyone may be a good way but no the best way.As I mentioned,thinking the whole experiencing factors to come up with a well-rounded plan is the primary direction for those person who want to succeed.

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-20 22:36

倾海比目鱼发表于 2013-8-20 21:55
8.19独立
How to succeed is a heated topic related to the different directions is discussed by the pu ...

是Francis童鞋gaining的哦~~有时候安排是互改，有时候是交叉改~
基本上综合作文是互改的，人少的时候独立作文才是互改。。大概是这样的我刚来的时候也老看错^^

作者: pyivy 时间: 2013-8-20 23:39
标题: RE: 倾海的作文贴

倾海比目鱼发表于 2013-8-20 21:09
第一次发综合。超时了。听的内容也少来不及做笔记
The disadvantages of private collectors selling and ...

见附件

作者: whom123 时间: 2013-8-22 14:23
童鞋你20号的作文捏？

作者: 倾海比目鱼 时间: 2013-8-22 21:22

whom123 发表于 2013-8-22 14:23
童鞋你20号的作文捏？

不好意思来晚了。这是我的独立，请指教！
There are different methods to relax our mind and enjoy a harmonious life,such as watching a movie , reading a book or practicing physical exercise. It is as a heated topic that which relax method is better to be discusseda in the public and authorities.As it is caught such antention,some people claim that watching a movie or reading a book is better than practicing physical exercise.However,as my experience,doing hysical exercise is better than watching movie or reading a book,and I will take two dimensions to support my perspective.
First of all,when doing physical exercise such as playing badminton,jogging,playing soccer,our metal pressure will be explicitly alleviated and refresh our mind.as a scientific research shows on the internet,more aerobic exercise and more oxygen input will enhance our body’s patience and make our more happy to some degree.Meanwhile,doing exercise will make our mind and distract our concentration from worried about works or assagments to other things such as how to win the game or enjoying others’ practical gestures.Oppositely, even though watching a delicate movie or reading a useful book will attrack us in its wonderful and magic world, the efficiency about the relax is a temporary effects and never far-reaching improves our worried mind and deeply solve our heavy pressure. Nevertheless,doing physical exercise not only make our body strength and shape our body that make someone more confident for herself or himself,but it also improves our body’s metabolism and build a long-run healthy environment.
In addition,unlike reading a book or watching a movie alone,when playing in a football team,it need allocate task and duty to everyone team member and cooperate smoothly to gain the game,which also help us to develop our team spirit and coordinate capability for our future life. Moreover,it also provide a credital and precious opportunity for us to broaden our friend cycle when playing in a football team or basketball team.it is easily for us to face a lot people who’s favorite sports are same to us,which obviously is a great channel to make our life more wonderful.
To sum up,considering above factors, watching a movie or reading a book is a good way to relax our mind,but not a best way actually,and focusing one a long-term way to build a heather body is a better way .

作者: 倾海比目鱼 时间: 2013-8-23 17:19
21th 独立麻烦哪个好心的nn帮我改改啊
Parents should help their children build a healthy life style.A topic related to above issue is discussed by the public and authorities.Since this issue is caught such attention,some people claims that parents should pay more energy and time to accompany with their children and help them improve their studies and learn more knowledge about their lectures.However,according to my experience,the more of importance for parents to focus is that children should learn to play the healthy games and practice some appropriate sports,and I will utilize three dimensions to support my statement.
First of all,when playing intellectual games,such as chess,parents could instruct their child how to implement different rules to win the game and make their child’reflect capability progressive.Meanwile,play intellectual games also can broaden the children’s horizon and learn the information of historical background about the games.Oppositely,studying at classroom,or just practicing sth about the academic events is relatively narrow the bonds of their capability to learn sth new.and also inhibiting their creativity and innovation,since sports and games are crucial method to exercise their ability to create sth during their pratice.
Moreover,having a strengthen body is extremely important for any kids to grow healthy,for this purpose,the most direct method is that parents should encourage and leading their children to join in some sports such as basketball.football and so forth.playing a team sports not only help children to build their body strength,but also provide children with great opportunities to make new friends and build a strong team spirit.On the other hand,children can learn the necessary knowledge in their classroom and field trips.
Admitedly,acquiring enough knowledge is very important for children’s future development and their parents also pay crucial attention to focus the children’study situation,but how to make children’development more health and more well-rounded,games and sports is two indispensible factors for children,expecially in their space time.Therefore,in the children’space,the games and sports that parents should help their children to play are playing a absolutely role.
To sum up,considering above factors,I would like emphasize that parents help their children to study academic issue is a good way for the children but not the best way,Thinking the whole influencing factors to come up with a plan is a primary direction for the parents.

作者: 倾海比目鱼 时间: 2013-8-23 17:56
tpo 15 综合
The reading passage concentrates on the subject of ways are used to control the cane toad's populartion.However,the professor in the lecture claims that the efficiency of such ways is limited and even hurted other species ,and then utilizes three specific dimensions to support her statement.
First of all,although the reading passage suggests that the national fence will work to block the advance of the toads,the professor argue that the result of such method is limiting ,because young toads can be carried to other place by water due to some rivers nearby the fence.
Moreover,dispite the statement of the reading that the toads could be captured and destroyed by volunteers.The professor considers that some untrain volunteers will kill other native species since some young toads or eggs are difficult to distinguish with other no harm species,so that will also impact other species'gowth .
Lastly,to counter the statement that a disease-causing virus is developed to control the cane toad populations.the professor mentions that such virus is no testified safty and may be badly affected the whold ecosystem.
In conclusion,the professor clearly identified the weak links in the reading passage and impressively reveal that the the reading passagy is incurately.

作者: Mint静默 时间: 2013-8-24 16:50
我的写完啦~

http://forum.chasedream.com/thread-870505-5-1.html
第50楼，等你的作文咯

作者: whom123 时间: 2013-8-24 19:48
There are different methods to relax our mind and enjoy a harmonious life,such as watching a movie , reading a book or practicing physical exercise. It is as（多余删去） a heated topic that which relax method is better to be discussed in the public and authorities（不当，改为among the authorities更好）.As it is caught such antention,some people claim that watching a movie or reading a book is better than practicing physical exercise.However,as my experience（改为as for me恰当些）,doing hysical exercise is better than watching movie or reading a book,and I will take two dimensions to support my perspective.
第一段属于比较典型的开头，结构没什么问题。但是表达上有些太冗余，很多信息没必要重复说，试着精炼一点表达会更好。

First of all,when doing physical exercise such as playing badminton,jogging,playing soccer,our metal（笔误吧） pressure will be explicitly alleviated and refresh our mind（此句存在语病。our mental pressure refresh our mind？用连词时多小心。）.as a scientific research shows on the internet,more aerobic exercise and more oxygen input will enhance our body’s patience and make our more happy to some degree.Meanwhile,doing exercise will make our mind and distract our concentration from worried（from后不应该接动名词么） about works or assagments to other things such as how to win the game or enjoying others’ practical gestures.Oppositely（笔误吧）, even though watching a delicate movie or reading a useful book will attrack us in its wonderful and magic world, the efficiency about the relax is a temporary effects and never far-reaching improves our worried mind and deeply solve our heavy pressure（这句读不懂）. Nevertheless,doing physical exercise not only makes our body strength and shapes our body that makes someone more confident for herself or himself,but it（多余） also improves our body’s metabolism and build a long-run healthy environment.
很多地方表达不太准确，望注意。还有就是例子不够，论述居多。小错有点多，希望实际考时多加注意。

In addition,unlike reading a book or watching a movie alone,when playing in a football team,it need allocate task（没听说过这个说法，建议用team work） and duty to everyone team member and cooperate smoothly to gain the game（表达？）,which（这个which是指谁？有点不清楚啊） also helps us to develop our team spirit and coordinate capability for our future life. Moreover,it also provide a credital and precious opportunity for us to broaden our friend cycle when playing in a football team or basketball team.it is easily for us to face a lot people who’s（这都是神马= = of whom） favorite sports are same to us,which obviously is a great channel to make our life more wonderful.

To sum up,considering above factors, watching a movie or reading a book is a good way to relax our mind,but not a best way actually,and focusing one a long-term way to build a heather body is（笔误吧） a better way .

总体来讲，很多表达都不是很准确，而且小错太多，偶尔没事但是太多会给评分者留下不好印象的。除此之外，例子还希望丰满一些，光是论述说服力略显不足。
加油！

作者: 倾海比目鱼 时间: 2013-8-24 21:46

whom123 发表于 2013-8-24 19:48
There are different methods to relax our mind and enjoy a harmonious life,such as watching a movie , ...

谢谢真的很多错误。很惭愧快要考试了，请问例子怎么收集啊，有什么渠道吗？

作者: 倾海比目鱼 时间: 2013-8-24 21:47
23th 独立
When starting to prepare a academic presentation,we have our schedule of preparation process prerpectively.the heated topic related to above issue is discussed among our classmates.Since it is caught such attention,some classmates claim that we could start to prepare when having a great idea about the project.However,according to my experience,one month is enough for us to finish the presentation,and I also provides three specific dimension to support my statement.
First of all,when we start to fulfill one project,we have a mindset to decide how to allocate timescale.for example,we should decide what time to collect information ,including taking a scientific suvey,selecting data carefully,summarizing data systematically and so forth.Therefore,for this whole process,one month time is definitely enough for our students’academic project.moreover,if made a final date, we would have more incentive and pressure to achieve our desirable outcome.every step in the schedule that have be made will require us to finish timely,so that the whole process can be fulfill smoothly.
Moreover,every project have its deadline because teachers will evaluate our capabilities to finish some tasks efficiently and reasonably.in that case we should utilize our ambitious and creative energy to start our presentation and get a perfect result.Such habit also help us to build up a systemic management method and develop necessary skill and experience to prepare our future life but waiting the time to get a good idea have not such function.Meanwhile,Todays society with intense competition,higher efficience and time management comes higher returns and fruits.Additionaly,uder great time pressure,we can aggregate any hardness when preparing the presentation and actively inquiry our teachers and classmates,and I believe they will give us some useful and practical sugesstions.Therefore,it is a effective way to solve any difficult that we may face,and also broaden our horizons and deepen understanding about this project so that we can make such presentation more meaningful and helpful.
To sum up,considering above factors,I would like emphasize that waiting time to get a good idea is a good way to make a great presentation but it is not a best way.Thinking the whole experiencing factors to come up with a plan is the primary direction for us to prepare our academic project.

作者: 倾海比目鱼 时间: 2013-8-24 22:19
TPO 综合
The reading passage concentrates on the subject of several factors,such as the growth of human population,agricutural activities and the use of chemical pesticdies,made the number of birds decline.However,the professor in the lecture considers that such factors actually no hurt the birds as the reading mentions and also provide three dimensions to support her statement.
First of all,although the reading passage suggests that the expansion of human populations and settlements contribute to make the size of the bird populations decrease,the professor argue that the environment of cities is better and better and also provide other places for birds to settle so that even  birds lose some natural settlements but could get those places.
Moreover,dispite the statement in the reading that the growth of agriculture lead to bird population in rural areas decline.the professor  asserts that the growth rate of agriculture is less and less,and the rural areas also provide more food for birds.
Lastly,to counter the point in the reading that the use of chemical pesticides prevent the birds'reproduction and make their population declince.the professor mentions that people in such area have noticed such bad influence and developed a wareness that utilized green pesiticides to kill only the harmful pests,meawhile,when the corps have a pesticides-resisstance,it will not harm the birds when they eat such food.
In conclusion,the professor explicitly identifies the weak links among the reading passage and reveal that the declaration claimed  in passage reading is inaccurately.

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-25 02:31

倾海比目鱼发表于 2013-8-24 22:19
TPO 综合
The reading passage concentrates on the subject of several factors,such as the growth of hu ...

TPO 综合
The reading passage concentrates on the subject of several factors,such as the growth of human population,agricutural activities and the use of chemical pesticdies,made the number of birds decline.However,the professor in the lecture considers that such factors actually no hurt the birds as the reading mentions and also provide three dimensions to support her statement.

First of all,although the reading passage suggests that the expansion of human populations and settlements contribute to make the size of the bird populations decrease,the professor argue that the environment of cities is better and better(教授并没有说环境越来越好，而是说城市的发展反而为鸟类提供了栖息地：it’s true that urban growth has been bad for some types of birds, but urban development actually provides better and larger habitats for other types.此处作文表述不准确。) and also provide other places for birds to settle so that even  birds lose some natural settlements but could get those places.

Moreover,dispite the statement in the reading that the growth of agriculture lead to bird population in rural areas decline.the professor  asserts that the growth rate of agriculture is less and less,and the rural areas also provide more food for birds.（这里没有听出具体原因，lecture是说之所以会减少是因为引进了更加高产的作物）

Lastly,to counter the point in the reading that the use of chemical pesticides prevent the birds'reproduction and make their population declince.the professor mentions that people in such area have noticed such bad influence and developed a wareness that utilized green pesiticides to kill only the harmful pests,meawhile,when the corps have a pesticides-resisstance,it will not harm the birds when they eat such food.（这里lecture一共是说了两点解决方案：1、使用毒性小的杀虫剂；2、培育抗虫害作物。同学在这里只写出了一点。）

In conclusion,the professor explicitly identifies the weak links among the reading passage and reveal that the declaration claimed  in passage reading is inaccurately.

整体看来，同学的听力还需要加强，请继续加油~

作者: Mint静默 时间: 2013-8-25 10:38
改完了~

作者: 倾海比目鱼 时间: 2013-8-28 07:53
27 独立
It is important to understand what happened in the past when we want to deal with some specific and current problems.A issue related to the above subject is discussed among our classmates.Since it is caught such attention,some people claims that we should just focus on the ambitious goal in the future and do not care the relative past events.According to my experience,I have to mention that the past is extremely important for us to handle the problem,and provide three specific dimensions to support my statement.
First of all,when coming to cope with the problem,the initiate step is to collect some statistics from the magazines or internet,and then analyze and summarize such statistics scientifically and logically.In this case,the statistics we collect come from the past events.For example,last year,I have a internship in a investment bank,my supervisor require me to draw a price chart about a biological stock,and I should collect a lot statistics and background information about this stock and specific industries,so beneficial on such past information that I can achieve a desirable results.
What’s more,enough staff is one of key factors for us to make our research results more reliable and reasonable because we should quote some facts that happened in the past times to present in the public and persuade what happen in the past and the way how we look for solving the problem in that case they can be attracted and recognize our research results.
Moreover,in order to address the current problem perfectly,even the future problem,we should take a SWOT analysis method to find some disadvantage or advantage of the current situation or this issue.Therefore,there is a vital method that we should learn something from the past,analyzing what is the postive influence or what is the negative factors for us to solve the problem.In my university life,my economic teacher always ask my to collect enough information first and then utilize the SWOT analysis method to analyze in different aspects related to the economic problem.
Admitedly,it is inevitable that some tiny problem that never happen in the past can be solved by exploiting the creative way,but when facing some important problem,the past information is obviously convenient for us.
To sum up,considering above factors,i would like emphasize that overlooking the past events is not a best way and we should come up with a plan that analyze and summarize what happen in the past and then fully solve the current or future problem when we face.

作者: corneliaflower 时间: 2013-8-28 10:29
It is important to understand what happened in the past when we want to deal with some specific and current problems.A(An) issue related to the above subject is discussed among our classmates.Since it is(it在这里有点指代模糊的感觉） caught such attention,some people claims that we should just focus on the ambitious goal in the future and do not care the relative past events.According to my experience,I have to mention that the past is extremely important for us to handle the problem,and provide three specific dimensions to support my statement.

First of all,when coming to cope with the problem,the initiate step is to collect some statistics from the magazines or internet,and then analyze and summarize such statistics scientifically and logically.In this case,the statistics we collect come from the past events.For example,last year,I have a（an) internship in a investment bank,my supervisor require me to draw a price chart about a biological stock,and I should collect(用should不好） a lot statistics and background information about this stock and specific industries,so beneficial on such past information that I can achieve a desirable results.

What’s more,enough staff is one of key factors for us to make our research results more reliable and reasonable because we should quote some facts that happened in the past times to present in the public and persuade what happen时态 in the past and the way how we look for solving the problem in that case they can be attracted and recognize our research results.

Moreover,in order to address the current problem perfectly,even the future problem,we should take a SWOT analysis method to find some disadvantage or advantage单复 of the current situation or this issue.Therefore,there is a vital method that we should learn something from the past,analyzing what is the postive influence or what is the negative factors for us to solve the problem.In my university life,my economic teacher always ask my to collect enough information first and then utilize the SWOT analysis method to analyze in different aspects related to the economic problem.

Admitedly,it is inevitable that some tiny problem that never happen in the past can be solved by exploiting the creative way,but when facing some important problem,the past information is obviously convenient for us.

To sum up,considering above factors,i would like emphasize that overlooking the past events is not a best way and we should come up with a plan that analyze and summarize what happen in the past and then fully solve the current or future problem when we face.

PS 之前标的高亮句子没显示出来哎，还有一些错误也没显示T.T 被CD编辑功能折腾死了！
从结构来说，五段式最为经典，你的有些观点可以融合一下成为一段，个人觉得你每一段说的有点短不太具有说服力。
语法方面小错误很多，例如冠词的使用、时态等等，一定要注意，行文比较中式，建议多积累一些地道的搭配。
加油吧！

作者: corneliaflower 时间: 2013-8-28 10:33
貌似综合也是改你的在哪里呀？

作者: 倾海比目鱼 时间: 2013-8-28 20:36
这是我的综合
The reaching passage concentrates on the subject of planting genetically modified trees on a large scale promises to bring a number of benefits.However,the professor in the lecture claims that genetic modification will cause a series of serious problems ,and then provdies three specific dimensions to support her statement.
First of all,although the reading passage suggests that genetically modified trees are more hardier than nature trees, the professor argues that genetically modified trees will not be insured to survive,because when climate changes or new pests invade,such trees will be threaten or even all die.
Moreover,dispite the statement of the reading that genetically modified trees promise to bring a number of economic benefits for farmers,the professor mentions that the farmers should pay much money for the companies to purchase such trees gradually ,which even the purchase in the first time is free.
Lastly,to counter the statement that the use of genetically modified trees can prevent overexploitation of wild trees.the professor considers that since genetically modified trees need more water and nutrition,these negative influence will crowded out natural trees.
In conclusion,the professor clearly identified the weak links and impressively revealed that the points mentioned in the reading passage is inaccurate.

作者: corneliaflower 时间: 2013-8-28 21:36
综合我明天来改哦。建议你多背一些好句子，然后试着让自己在今天的作文里融入这些句子，加油！

作者: corneliaflower 时间: 2013-8-29 14:27
The reaching reading passage concentrates on the subject of planting genetically modified trees on a large scale promises to bring a number of benefits.这句话有两个动词了However,the professor in the lecture claims that genetic modification will cause a series of serious problems ,and then provdies three specific dimensions to support her statement.

First of all,although the reading passage suggests that genetically modified trees are more hardier than nature trees, the professor argues that genetically modified trees will not be insured to survive,because when climate changes or new pests invade,such trees will be threaten or even all die. 少了一个关键词diversity

Moreover,dispite the statement of the reading that genetically modified trees promise to bring a number of economic benefits for farmers,the professor mentions that the farmers should pay much money for the companies to purchase such trees gradually ,which even the purchase in the first time is free. 还有pay to the company every time you plant

Lastly,to counter the statement that the use of genetically modified trees can prevent overexploitation of wild trees.the professor considers that since genetically modified trees need more water and nutrition,these negative influence will crowded out natural trees.

In conclusion,the professor clearly identified the weak links and impressively revealed that the points mentioned in the reading passage is inaccurate.

总体来说很不错，有部分听力还是抓的不够仔细。
句式方面还可以有更多的变化，每段的理由再丰富一点就跟好了。

作者: 倾海比目鱼 时间: 2013-8-29 20:21

严重超时还写得不好，求学习求借鉴。
Nowadays,because we are always not as perfect and isolated individuals in the modern society,the criticism in the aspects of mistakes will be provided by our teammates .A issue related to above subject is discussed among our classmates presently.Since the issue is caught such attention,some people claims that any suggestion would be reject if  we consider our behaviors is absolutely correct in the workplace.However,according to my experience,receiving some necessary advices is crucial for us to develop our future life,and provides three specific dimensions to support my statement.
First of all,if some flaws occurred or some mistake we made,it would be very difficult to be detect by ourselves.Oppositely,our close friends and our co-workers could witness timely and remind us frankly.Under such complex but vital circumstances, accepting such precious suggestions is a valuable opportunity for us to improve our mentally healthy and also enhance our comprehensive capabilities.For example,when i was young,my natural learning ability limited me to explicitly understand what my teachers taught in the class,and my learning method also deviated the scientifical and efficient orbit.at that time,I almost totally loss my confidence in the academic field,but my team partners find my terrible situations and what dilemma i faced and then they offered some key studied direction for me and told me how to deal with those problems.From that on,I always utilize the method my teammates taught and reverse the bad influence.Therefore,it definitely important for us to receive the criticism in the team work.
Moreover,in order to build a solid team spirit and deeply understand each other,the best way that how to make our teamwork perfectly and effectively is always given and taken by some responsible teammates and supervisors.Meanwhile,taking some useful criticism also will beneficial for us to recognize  that who help and take care us seriously.because if someone ignore our work capabilities ,they could not say anything about our mistakes and even think that talking the criticism is a kind of waste of time.For instance,when taking a internship in a international corporation,my supervisor always indicate my tiny work flaws and require me to modify immediately,due to his right direction,I grow very quickly and due to my humble attitude,he provide a formal work opportunity for me.
Admittedly,identifying and refusing some painstaking criticisms are necessary for us in the workplace because some colleagues will  attack us intentionally when they think us to be a career competitors.
To sum up,considering above factors,I would like emphasize that rejecting the criticism is a good way under some situation,but not the best way.Tinking the whole experiencing factors to come up with a well-rounded plan is the primary direction.

作者: 倾海比目鱼 时间: 2013-8-30 14:17
8.29的独立写得不多只有346字是不是太少了
Nowadays,there are several factors located in the core competitive position for a company to success,including attractive products,suitable corporate strategy and excellent and loyal staff.A issue related to above subject is discussed among the public and authorities presently.Since the issue is caught such attention,some people claims that employees could be invested most by a big company to improve.However,according to my experience,others’equivalent elements should be take into implementing for a big company,and I provide three specific dimensions to support my statement.
First of all,the attractive products is a extremely decisional factors for a large corporation to take a competitive advantage under such fiercely compete market.Therefore,majority of companies always put numerous capital into R$D just in order to manufactural a fantastic product and earn a high margin profits.For example,Apple company launce a new concept of product named ipad and then such revolutional product seize most of market share in the same industries.Meanwhile,keeping to design varies of new products will make the large company get a leading role in the market.
Moreover,choose a suitable corporate strategy is also very important for a large corporation to achieve its desirable outcome.when integrating and coordinating a series of core competencies to excess of what the corporate expections,such companies can take their advantages to overcome any terrible circumstances and competitors.For instance,Lenovo becomes a international corporation by acquiting IBM’s PC department so that dramatically enhance its brand image.this market activities all give the credit to the accurate corporate strategy.
Admittedly,investing a large part of revenue to improve the staff is also one of the key elements for the big company.the skilled and experienced staff can largely improve the productivity in the product line and create more profits for company.but the company should consider other’s equivalent factors at the same time.
To sum up,considering above factors,i would like emphasize that improving the efficiency and proficiency of employee is a good way for a large company to success but not the best way.Thinking the whole experiencing factors to come up with a well-rounded plan is the primary direction for the executors.

作者: 倾海比目鱼 时间: 2013-8-30 15:05
TPO 24 综合
The reading passage concentrates on the subject of openning the T.rex'leg bone.However,the professor in the lecture claims that this activities is no so reasonable,and then provides three specific dimensions to support his statement.
First of all,although the reading passage suggests that the breaking revealed many small branching channels inside,the professor argues that no evidence to show small braching channels could be remained because when animals died,their bone would be empty.
Moreover,dispite the statement of the reading that the various parts of the inner bone revealed the presence of spheres,the professor mentions that the remains of red blood cells could not be found in other animals.so it is possible for scientists to comfirm that T.rex have red blood.
Lastly,to counter the assertion of the reading that the dinosaur leg bone contained collagen,the professor mentions that collagen never be found in other animals and also explicitely contradict with the time that collagen can lasts.he take a example that collagen found by scientists might be the skin of recent animals.
In conclusion,the professor clealy identified the weak links in the reading passage and impressively revealed that seveal elements in the reading passage are inaccurated

作者: carmensh 时间: 2013-8-30 19:13
Nowadays,there are several factors located(这个是不是要用locating啊？) in the core competitive position for a company to success,including attractive products,suitable corporate strategy and（这个换成as well as是不是更好，可以和后面的and区分开） excellent and loyal staff.A(an) issue related to the above subject is discussed among the public and authorities presently.Since the issue is caught(不应该是被动吧，很奇怪，改成has drawn会不会更好？） such attention,some people claims(people的谓语应该用复数） that employees could be invested most by a big company to improve(这句话会产生起义，most可以修饰invest，也可以修饰by a company，而且improve是vt，后面要加宾语的）.However,according to my experience,others’（这里应该是others，不应该是others'，表示其它的，而不是其他人的）equivalent elements should be take(taken) into implementing（这里用implement的名词形式是不是更好？） for a big company,and I provide three specific dimensions to support my statement.

First of all,the attractive products is（前面是products，后面就不应该是is了） a (an)extremely decisional factors(这里应该是单数） for a large corporation to take a competitive advantage under such fiercely compete （这里是形容词）market.Therefore,（the)majority of companies always put numerous capital into R$D(R&D-,-) just in order to manufactural(??) a fantastic product and earn a high margin profits.For example,Apple company launce(launch) a new concept of product named ipad and then such(a) revolutional product seize(单数） most of market share in the same industries.Meanwhile,keeping to design（有keep to do这个短语嘛？要表达什么？？） varies of new products will make the large company get a leading role in the market.

Moreover,choose(改成to choose或者choosing) a suitable corporate strategy is also very important for a large corporation to achieve its desirable outcome（可以加上by investing on...来表明choose strategy是和invest有关的）.when integrating and coordinating a series of core competencies to excess of what the corporate expections(这句话没看懂=。=）,such companies can take their advantages to overcome any terrible circumstances and competitors（overcome不应该和competitors对应吧，可以在competitors前加上beat之类其它的动词）.For instance,Lenovo becomes a(an) international corporation by acquiting IBM’s PC department so that dramatically enhance（三单） its brand image.this market activities all give the credit to the accurate corporate strategy.（这段再来一句总结的，点名investment和strategy的关系）

Admittedly,investing a large part of revenue to improve the staff（注意，improve的不适staff，使他们的efficiency&proficiency) is also one of the key elements for the big company.the skilled and experienced staff can largely improve the productivity in the product line and create more profits for company.but the company should consider other’s equivalent factors at the same time.

To sum up,considering above factors,i would like emphasize that improving the efficiency and proficiency of employee is a good way for a large company to success but not the best way.Thinking the whole experiencing factors to come up with a well-rounded plan is the primary direction for the executors.

以前没有改过，所以有些地方提的也不知道对不对，一起讨论一起进步吧~
有几点小建议：
1.字数不够我感觉是因为例子描述不够详细，其实例子很好，但是没有很好地点明和分论点的关系，逻辑连接不够；
2.感觉你总是有些主谓不一致的问题，建议可以写完作文后先放在word里看下这些小错误，先自行改正过来，而且写的时候一定要格外注意呀；
3.亲，一定要分段呀！
4.句式语言还挺多变，我要多向你学习~
5.平时练习的话我觉得可以适当放宽时间，达到精炼精写的目的（个人建议，可不予理睬~）

作者: carmensh 时间: 2013-8-30 19:15
对了，还有记得全文写的时候一定要注意是不是的点个题啥的~就是重复下主题句（这是一个NN告诉我的）

作者: 倾海比目鱼 时间: 2013-8-30 20:23

carmensh 发表于 2013-8-30 19:15
对了，还有记得全文写的时候一定要注意是不是的点个题啥的~就是重复下主题句（这是一个NN告诉我的） ...

谢谢carmensh 改得很仔细很到位很给了一些很好的建议。这些天写作文总是超时且一写完就立即发上来了。感觉写得很不好，没有一个很有逻辑的思路和强有力的例子做支撑。语法错误也特别的多。请问这些有什么好的建议吗？

作者: carmensh 时间: 2013-8-30 20:31

倾海比目鱼发表于 2013-8-30 20:23
谢谢carmensh 改得很仔细很到位很给了一些很好的建议。这些天写作文总是超时且一写完就立即发上来了。感 ...

超时的话我只能说我每次自己练习都是超时的，我都是看到题目先查一下例子（因为平时自己没有什么积累，现在开始积累吧），然后列个提纲好好酝酿一下~我觉得练习的时候还是要第一遍好好构思的（考试当然要快速啦）；逻辑的话每个分论点的段里，可以好好思考下是怎么由这个例子体现这个分论点的，是哪一点延伸出来的，然后用尽量准确的语言表述，还有就是句与句之间的逻辑连词要正确使用~语法错误嘛，像三单这种就是写下主语的时候就心里想着一会儿动词用什么形式，一些小错误自己写完放在word里面先改一遍，然后多总结~~自己的一点小心得~取其精华去其糟粕哈~

作者: carmensh 时间: 2013-8-30 20:33
对了，再弱弱的请求下，能不能麻烦帮我看下我的？？我之前的都没人理TAT

作者: whom123 时间: 2013-9-3 20:28

倾海比目鱼发表于 2013-8-24 21:46
谢谢真的很多错误。很惭愧快要考试了，请问例子怎么收集啊，有什么渠道吗？ ...

看范文以及在cd里找找把。。。别的我就不知道了我的例子也不丰富。。。

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