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标题: xiaxiaya的作文贴 [打印本页]

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-9 16:05
标题: xiaxiaya的作文贴
先发一篇以前写过的综合写作 TPO-17

第一次写独立写作，因为磨磨蹭蹭没写完，后来自己改了改，修改前后的两个都发上来吧：

修改前：(高亮是曾经的拼写错误)

The professor puts foraward a negative attitude to the passagein her lecture. She believes that the population of birds in United States willnot decline which is oppose to that the passage claims that the population willnecessarily decline. The professor supports herself by three reasons which candefeat the reasons sited in the passage.

First, the expand of human beings is not ashortcoming, as the professor puts it , but might do good for birds. Sheexplains that the urbane may be do good for the birds. Even some kinds of birdswill decrease, but some others will increase. (本来打算先写每段的开头的，后来第三段写high 了。。第一次写，对每段字数把握不是很好)

Second, the growth speed of agriculturewill not be as soon as the passage claims. The professor argee that the quickdevelopment of agreiculture will be harmful to the birds, but she points out that p (这里没写完)

Third, asfor the inescapable impact of the pesticides, the professor holds a positiveaspects for the future development. She says that even the pesticides have caused a demage result to the birds survival and reproduction in the past, people now noticethis shortage of the pesticides. So people will decrease the use even stopusing pesitcides inthe future. To support this, the professor give two new techiques that people are trying to use to decrease or stop the useing of pesticides. One is to produceless harmful but more effective pesitcides, the other is to create crops which can't prevent thepets but not harm the birds.

修改后：

The professor puts forwards a negativeattitude to the passage in her lecture. She believes that the population ofbirds in United States will not decline which is oppose to that the passageclaims that the population will necessarily decline. The professor supportsherself by three reasons which can defeat the reasons cited in the passage.

First, the expand of human beings is not harmfulto the birds live in urbane area, as the professor puts it. To some kind ofbirds, urbane area is a better habitat. She explains that the urbane may begood for some kinds of birds, like pigeon. Even some other kinds of birds willdecrease, but the number of birds might not decrease as the passage claims.

Second, the growth speed of agriculture activitieswill not increase so quickly as the passage claims in the future. The professoragrees that the quick development of agriculture will be harmful to the birdsto some extent, but she doesn’t agree with that more and more wildness areaswill be use for agriculture in the future. Because scientists are trying tocreate new crops which will be more productive, there is no need for exploitingmore land for agriculture.

Third,as for the inescapable impact of the pesticides, the professor holds a positiveaspects for the future development. She says that people now have noticed that thepesticides have damaging result to the birds survival and reproduction. Andpeople are trying to decrease the use even stop using pesticides in the future.To support this, the professor gives two example of new technique that candecrease the pesticides’ harmful effect to birds. One is to produce lessharmful but more effective pesticides, the other is to create crops which can'tprevent the pets but not harm the birds.

作者: yyjfantasy 时间: 2013-8-9 16:19
先M一个~~~~~~

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-9 16:38
8.9 作业：

综合写作：
【第一遍，这个就不用大家改了，细节都没听上】
听力听得不是很明白，而且写作时间也超时了（在想怎么把没听明白的第一点编出来），还是三段没有分配好时间；
模板没背，全忘光了；
精听以后，发现漏了好多点，点也不准确T.T，最近听力能力下降的很严重，做TPO的时候也是，好像什么都听不懂似的

In the professor's lecture, she gives somereasonable explanations for thoese aspects that is cast into doubt in the passage. Based on these explanations,the professor hold the stand that the portait of the woman is definitely the work ofRembrandt.

The first reason given by the professor isthat the inconsistent in the painting is caused by the chemical effects of the painting material as time went by. Even though the passage points out that there is some inconsistences between the woman's servant-likelinen cap and her luxurious fur collar, Rembrandt's focusing on detail cannot be the arguable reason to challenge he's being the painter of this work. Thecolor material used in this painting can change after the painter finished thiswork, making the detail of the dressed differnt from the former one.

What's more, the light and shadow, whichare not matched together according to the passage, are formerly fitful in the original paiting.As the professor argues, the light and the shadow, when analyzed by techniques,are well fited inthe original layer in the panel.

Finally, even though the glued wood panelis not usually used by Rembrandt in his paintings, the professor points outthat there are still some works found painted in Rembrandt's work. The professorhas demonstrated this, using Rembrandt's self protrait which wass painted in a wood-glued panel, as an example. This important evidence candisprove the claim in the that Rembrandt didn't use glued panels.

【第二遍，大家改这个吧，精听3遍才把点都抓住了T.T】

The professor in the lecture disputes the reading passage and argue that the painting of the elderly woman is definitely a work of Remdandt, proved by some examiniation by some scientists. In the lecture, several reason is cited to explain those doubts, even though the professor admites the evidence pointed out in the passage.

The first reason is that inconsistencies between the elderly woman's linen cap and the fur collar in the painting is caused by someone after the painting was finished for hundreds years. The professor indicates that a X-ray examination of this painting reveals that some color was added to the original painting after 100 year the painting finished, on the purpose to increase its value. The X-ray examination shows that the original painting is well consisited in the detail of the dress which is expected to be the work of R.

Moreover, as for the light and shadow, the professor points out that the face in the painting will reappear to be illuminated by an original light color in the fur collar, which has been changed by later painter. So in the original painting, the light and shadow is well managed as it is supposed to be a R' work.

【独立写作，不限时，还是篇幅分配没掌握好，换词，句法也很差，GRE issue 3分的水平T.T，欢迎拍砖】
【发现全篇没有example，最后一个分论点的时候就举例展开，然后写出来，发现篇幅有点超】

Education is undoubtfully have a great impact on the developmentof a society. The issue proposed in the statement, in my point of view, caninterpret into the issue whether is the elementary education or the eliteseducation is more important for a society. Elementary education seems only told people some basic knowledge, whilethe elite education often contributes to high-tech, more intelligentindustries. But only can a society well its basic education, it will be able to acheive a successful and long-last development inthe future, which also do good for the growth of its higher education.

Admittedly, university education plays animportant role in a society's development, especially the high-tech andskillful industries. Students in universities are trained to be professional intheir own field. They choose one or two majors to focus their study and research,pursuing the knowledge in a high level. Most of the techniques and production,like computer, airplane and aircrafts, are inspired from this high level research.These technologies undoubtfullymake a remarkable effect on people's lives and the development of a society.

However, because of the obviously largenumber of people this education involved and the its more widely influence onthe people in the society, children education, namely basic education, needsmore support from the government to insure the whole society's literal level, . Firstly, children educationrefers to the education for people almost from the inphant to 12 years old, while universityeducation covers only a 4~8 years period . The length of time, in some extent,can indicate that more people are influenced by children education. From thisnumerical aspect, government should budget more on children education.

What's more, another cogent reason is thatpeople's basic knowledge and learning skills form in children education, whichis essential to their higher education and the long-lasting development of thesociety. In children education, people are taught to recognize the objects inthe world, to distinct the true and fault, to behavior kindly not evilly. Theseknowledge or skills have a great impact on people's growth. According to thesurvey in some countries, juvenile crimes have lower education level than theaverage level. So to focus more on the children education can really keeppeople from evil behavior from their childhood stage. On the other hand, there are also evidence show that people in universities have stronger basic learningskills than the average. Even though these skill will be enforced on theirhigher education stage, the basic skill is inescapable should be recieve in elementaryeducation so that these skill can be improved later. On the other words,university education is based on children education. While the universityeducation play a important role in the present development of a society, thechildren education ensures a long-last and successful one. Thus, governmentneed focus more budget on the children education.

In conclusion, for the reason of morenumber and wider impact that children education is involved, a governmentshould pay more attention on the children education. Besides, for the reasonthat the basic skills and knowledge that people receive in children educationinfluence not only a person's growth butalso the development of the higher education and the long-lasting developmentof a society, a government need to budget more for children education.

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-10 12:10
今天TPO做得很烂。。弄得心情很不好，原来25,26的阅读，今天才做了21，感觉文章不是很难呀，速度也比平时快很多，可是做出来把自己吓尿了。听力原来还能做到27左右，最近的TPO听力只能做到20,21，把开始被GRE虐得剩下的一点点听力上的自信，都弄没了

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-10 23:22
8.10作业，综合写作部分：

TPO- 4 这次讲座听得很清晰，就是。。写作速度还是太慢了，老是在琢磨怎么换词。句子写的也不是很多

The passage argues that dinosaurs wereendothems according to three aspect evidence. But in the lecture, the professorhas a totally different opinion on this issue. She maintains that dinosaurscannot be endotherms, and she gives three reasons which can persuasivelydispute the evidence cited in the passage.

For the first thing, the professor assertsthat the findings of dinosaurs' fossil in polar area cannot support thepassage's argument. Because it was warmer in the age when dinosaurs lived, thepolar region was suitable for dinosaurs, which were not regarded as endorthermsby the professor.

Second, the professor challenges the evidencethat dinosaurs have their under-body legs. The passage argues that dinosaurmust be endortherms, basing on the reason that no modern reptiles have legsunder their body. But the professor demonstrates that there is possibleexplanation for this phenomenon. The explanation is that under-body legs canbenefit dinosaur, supporting their body and making them grow into large size,while it does not mean that they have higher energy than reptiles.

Finally, the professor presents anotherimportant evidence in dinosaur's bone structure, even though the professoradmits that the bone structure of dinosaur do have some aspects leading to theconclusion that they are .It is the growth rings in the bone structure thatmakes the professor confirm her argument, which characters reptiles of changingtheir growing speed in ages with different temperature .To strengthen this,professor compares the growing speed of endortherms which can keep themselves growrapidly despite the temperature, with the reptile whose growing speed can beslow, even stopped, in a colder condition.

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-11 02:01
不好意思现在才有空过来。。。
顺带问一下我同时也负责改你的独立吗？忙得各种晕结果忘了把分组截图

Finally, the evidence of glued panel is also affected by later painter. As the professor argues, the original painting is definitely painted in a single panel, but someone added these pieces of wood on the top side of the original panel to enlarge the painting board to make it more valuable and grand. Additionally, the professor also gives another evidence to prove this work's being painted by R. Some studies have found that the wood of the original panel is from the same tree which was also used to made the panel for R's another works -- his self portrait. （这一段听力部分的细节和点都很到位，但是文段的存在感还是稍弱）

总体印象：大概是因为楼主有过精听，对比起初稿，这一篇的听力部分的点全部都很到位。但是阅读部分却因此而忽略了，建议还是提及一下。

最后附上TIPs和来自无老师的满分范文

TIP：
这篇文章在成文的过程中不可避免的要对passage 部分进行一定的转述，仅仅写TS 是不够的。这是因为这些要转述的细节是lecture 反驳的基础，如果回避了，就无法逻辑清晰了，因为会给读者天外飞仙之感。在成文的过程中，lecture 部分的细节是重中之重，一定要把那些回答why 的内容体现出来。这就是为什么要求精听了。听了个大概，然后开始猜细节，这样的结果只有一种，那就是死的很惨。所以，不要随便说自己听懂了，如果试着一句句的听写出来，或者仔细看看lecture 部分的文本，是很容易发现自己漏掉了一些好像很小但是却很重要的部分。

范文：

The lecture revises the idea presented in the text, that Rembrandt was not the artist who painted the famous painting "Portrait of an Elderly Woman in a White Bonnet”.

The inconsistency between the white cap, which identifies the woman as a servant, and the expensive fur collar she wears dissolves as the Professor explains that the fur collar was apparently painted over the original painting to increase its worth by displaying an aristocratic woman.

In addition, the assumption that light and shadow in the painting do not fit together is refuted by the fact that in the original painting, the woman wears a light cloth that illuminated her face. Thus the presentation of light and shadow was indeed very realistic and accurate, as it is characteristic of Rembrandt’s paintings.

Finally, the mystery of the panel consisting of patches glued together is also solved in the lecture. Actually, the wood panel was later enlarged to make it more grand and valuable, but the original painting was painted on a single panel, as Rembrandt would have done it. Furthermore, the wood is of the same tree used in other Rembrandt paintings, like the "Self-Portrait with a Hat”.

All this information points to Rembrandt as the painter of the controversial painting.

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-11 09:32

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-11 02:01
不好意思现在才有空过来。。。
顺带问一下我同时也负责改你的独立吗？忙得各种晕结果忘了把分组截图

谢谢laneesherry童鞋~ 因为刚开始练作文，所以文段和听力的比例掌握得不是很好~
那个R是因为实在是没时间打了，练习的时候偷懒了~

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-11 10:03

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-11 02:01
不好意思现在才有空过来。。。
顺带问一下我同时也负责改你的独立吗？忙得各种晕结果忘了把分组截图

恩，是的~还得麻烦你帮忙改独立~

作者: slhtzbpxz 时间: 2013-8-11 18:47
Education is undoubtfully have a great impact on the developmentof（楼主打得可能心急了^_^) a society. The issue proposed in the statement, in my point of view, caninterpret into the issue whether is the elementary education or the eliteseducation（精英教育好词呀！但是是不是要分开来打的） is more important（essential如何） for a society. Elementary education seems only told people some basic knowledge（有个词汇是enlight启蒙，在这里会不错）, whilethe elite education often contributes to high-tech, more intelligent industries. But only can a society well its basic education(倒装！）, it will be able to acheive a successful and long-last（substantial，当然我觉得长久用在这里不是很合适，promising可能比较合适） development inthe future, which also do(does) good for the growth of its (删掉吧，貌似没什么必要）higher education.

Admittedly, university education plays animportant（core) role in a society's development, especially the high-tech andskillful industries(前面已经有过，举得advance in technology挺好）. Students in universities are trained to be professional intheir own field. They choose one or two majors to focus their study and research,pursuing the knowledge in a high level.(这两句建议顺序颠倒一下:Students who focus on several regions they choose to pursue are usually extremely expertised ) Most of the techniques and production（products),like(such as?) computer, airplane and aircrafts, are inspired from this high level research(改成这些人these talents吧).These technologies undoubtfully(已经用过，改成substaintially)make a remarkable effect(impact) on people(human)'s lives and the development of a society(改成course of history历史的进程吧）.
（建议最后总结一下论点，强调一下大学的重要性^_^最好可以举个例子？)

However, because of the obviously large number of people this（指代不明） education involved and the（删去） its more widely（wide) influence on the people in the society(society出现次数太多了，删掉好了）, children education, namely basic education, needs(requeires) more support from the government to insure the whole society's literal level(小孩教育和文化水平不是很有关系吧）, . Firstly, children education refers to the education for people（individuals) almost from the inphant to 12 years old, while university education covers only(感觉不顺，only放在cover前如何） a 4~8 years period . The length of time, in(to) some extent,can indicate that more people are influenced（engaged好用的词!很多地方都能用到！) by children education. From thisnumerical aspect, government should budget more on children education.

What's more, another cogent（好词，学习了！） reason is that people's basic knowledge and learning skills(knowledge storage) form(from) in children education, whichis（are) essential to their higher education(教育感觉用的太多了，其实比如a bright future也蛮好的^_^）and the long-lasting development of thesociety*建议略掉. In children education, people are taught to recognize the objects inthe world, to distinct the true and fault, to behavior kindly not evilly（排比！） Theseknowledge or skills have a great impact on people's growth（building of social value). According to the survey in some countries(再细化一点吧）, juvenile crimeseducation level than the average level have lower . So to focus more on the children education can really keeppeople from evil behavior from their childhood stage. On the other hand, there are also evidence show that people in universities have stronger basic learningskills（很多时候不是词汇的问题而是你的句子语意可能有重复，不如尝试避免使其出现？） than the average. Even though these skill will be enforced on theirhigher education stage, the basic skill is inescapable should be recieve in elementaryeducation so that these skill can be improved later. On the other words,university education is based on children educatio（通过句式的修改可以进行替换比如说former one) While the universityeducation play a important role in(is an excellent vehicle) the present development of a society, thechildren education ensures a long-last and successful one. Thus, governmentneed focus more budget on the children education.

In conclusion, for the reason of morenumber and wider impact that children education is involved, a governmentshould pay more attention on the children education. Besides, for the reasonthat the basic skills and knowledge that people receive in children educationinfluence not only a person's growth butalso the development of the higher education and the long-lasting developmentof a society, a government need to budget more for children education.(最后一段建议套用模板会很好多）

总的来说LZ思路很清晰，遣词造句也不错的，但是可能句子语意重复太多导致词汇无法替换，可以试试缩小说理的比例多加句子？
学渣思维不清。。见笑了

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-11 20:05

xiaxiaya 发表于 2013-8-11 10:03
恩，是的~还得麻烦你帮忙改独立~

准备来帮楼主改作文的时候发现已经有人在一个小时前发表了修改意见。。。
你确定没有记错负责人吗

之前忘记截图真是我的重大失误。。。

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-11 20:38

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-11 20:05
准备来帮楼主改作文的时候发现已经有人在一个小时前发表了修改意见。。。
你确定没有记错负责人吗{:3_60: ...

恩~楼上的是我在版子里认识的~他作文里换词很强，我请他给我一点换词的建议~

按照安排，9号的独立，是你帮我改的~

10号的独立是我们互改~可是我昨天没写独立，被听力打击惨了T.T做了一天的听抄

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-11 20:41

slhtzbpxz 发表于 2013-8-11 18:47
Education is undoubtfully have a great impact on the developmentof（楼主打得可能心急了^_ ...

谢谢~~^^.. 单词连起来。。是因为从word里复制过来，看着是分开的，可是一发表，就连起来了。。不知道怎么回事。会让你改得很头疼吧~SORRY

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-11 20:42

slhtzbpxz 发表于 2013-8-11 18:47
Education is undoubtfully have a great impact on the developmentof（楼主打得可能心急了^_ ...

恩。。我是因为看了一些作文书，说1+3+1的段落，中间应该先让步，GRE里一直都这么写来着。托福里一般不写让步段吗？我基本没看过什么托福范文。。请教你一下哈~

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-11 21:22
T.T哭了。。。写了一大半的作文，到时间了，TPO没存。。

作者: slhtzbpxz 时间: 2013-8-11 21:40

xiaxiaya 发表于 2013-8-11 20:42
恩。。我是因为看了一些作文书，说1+3+1的段落，中间应该先让步，GRE里一直都这么写来着。托福里一般不写 ...

嗯，我看的是戴云教主的，他比较推荐2+1，l两正面一个反面。。具体怎么样我也不是很清楚。。但是个人觉得一整段让步可能太多了

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-11 22:16
8.10 独立 50分钟 418 words（其实写了快1个半小时。。第一次写到第三段，模考软件就到时了，可是没存下来。。又写了一遍T.T）

To be a good leader in political orbusiness area cannot be easy, which requires all kinds of skills and ability.Is the ability to take responsibility for mistakes that measures most for asuccessful political or business leader? In my point of view, it doesn't seemto be in the case.

Admittedly, the sense of responsibility isone of the necessities for a good leader. Obviously, people will not select aperson who does not care about the severe impact on which mistakes might have.In a group or a community, the responsibility for mistakes makes the memberstrust their leader, which will in return encourage the leader to guide thedirection for the crowds of the group or community. President Washington hasbeen long admire for his honesty and responsibility for mistakes, especiallyfamous for his childhood story, and benefited his country as one of the mostsuccessful leader in history.

However, drastically emphasizing this characterwill sometimes be harmful for the leaders, especially the political andbusiness . There is a perfect example that some famous entrepreneur and parityleader ended his/her life for the guilty that made a wrong decision leading afailure for his/her people. They are too self denied after taking theresponsibility for the mistakes. In fact, everyone is born to make mistakes,inevitable for the leaders who are regarded as the perfect people.

Most important is that there are moreimportant things for a good leader. In political and business field, leadersare expected to be the one who makes the most essential decisions and can bring their people more interest in politicsor in finance. So a leader should be clever enough to make the best choice,should be calm enough to face the challenge, and should be brave enough to facehis mistakes and struggle out from the bad situation. That is a best leader canmake his/her effort to make the group improve and become better. Without thischaracter, a person cannot be the one in the position to direct a whole group,a party or a company, all of which are form by people for their own interest.

To make it brief, the ability to take the responsibility for mistakes cannot bethe most important character of a successful political or business leader, eventhough it is indeed an necessary one. The ability to make the group, party,company and its member benefit more should be the most important character of apolitical or business leader.

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-12 10:47

slhtzbpxz 发表于 2013-8-11 18:47
Education is undoubtfully have a great impact on the developmentof（楼主打得可能心急了^_ ...

谢谢~恩，其实不是没有事例，是根本想不起来有什么例子能举的。。

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-12 17:59
到今天为止一直在忙着赶论文现在才有空过来还请不要介意。<(_ _)>

蓝色是个人意见和建议修改的地方
红色是强烈建议修改的地方

To be a good leader in political orbusiness（or business） area cannot be easy, which requires all kinds of skills and ability.Is the ability to take responsibility for mistakes that measures most for asuccessful political or business leader? In my point of view, it doesn't seemto（seem to） be in the case.(好简洁明了的开头！)

Admittedly, the sense of responsibility isone（is one） of the necessities for a good leader. Obviously, people will not select aperson( a person ) who does not care about the severe impact on which mistakes might have.In a group or a community, the responsibility for mistakes makes the memberstrust( member strust ) their leader, which will in return encourage the leader to guide thedirection( the direction ) for the crowds of the group or community. President Washington hasbeen( has been ) long admire( admired , 被动语态) for his honesty and responsibility for mistakes, especiallyfamous（ especially famous ) for his childhood story,( 这里建议加半句话来概括说明一下华盛顿童年的事) and benefited his country as one of the mostsuccessful( most successful ) leader in history.（本段是让步段，说明了有责任感也是非常必要的。）

However, drastically emphasizing this characterwill（ character will ) sometimes be harmful for the leaders, especially the political andbusiness . There is a perfect example that some famous entrepreneur and parityleader ended his/her life for the guilty that made a wrong decision leading afailure ( a failure ) for his/her people. They are too self denied after taking theresponsibility for the mistakes. In fact, everyone is born to make mistakes,inevitable for the leaders who are regarded as the perfect people. (本段是第一个反驳段，观点是太强调责任感有时会产生反效果。支持性说理句是有很多有名的领导者因此而轻生。建议在这之后举一个更加具体的例子。我历史学得不好，印象中自杀的西方领导人好像只有希特勒？中国古代倒是有一堆但是总觉得在托福作文里面用感觉好怪的样子。。。也许楼主可以试着说自己一个朋友工作/实习的公司怎样怎样。)

Most important is that there are moreimportant（more important） things for a good leader. In political and business field, leadersare( leaders are ) expected to be the one who makes the most essential decisions and can bring their people more interest in politicsor in finance. So a leader should be clever enough to make the best choice,should be calm enough to face the challenge, and should be brave enough to facehis mistakes and struggle out from the bad situation. That is a best leader canmake his/her effort to make the group improve and become better.( 这句话说实话看的不是很懂。从语法上讲似乎是本句在没有用连词的情况下出现了两个动词？) Without thischaracter（ this character ）, a person cannot be the one in the position to direct a whole group,a party or a company, all of which are form by people for their own interest.（本段观点是除了责任感一个好的领导人还需要更多更重要的素质。同样建议加上例子。比如说一个人虽然说责任心很强但是其他方面不行，结果还是不能够成为一个合格的领导者。）

To make it brief, the ability to take the responsibility for mistakes cannot bethe（ be the ) most important character of a successful political or business leader, eventhough it is indeed an necessary one. The ability to make the group, party,company and its member benefit more should be the most important character of apolitical or business leader.

总体印象：
觉得楼主写这篇文章的时候有些仓促，很多地方两个单词连在了一起。
总体结构非常清晰，纯说理的句子也很到位，但是少了例子的支持，显得有些单薄。

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-12 21:26

综合  最后一段在规定时间内没写完，听力时第二点没抓住，第三点没有听清，所以写的感觉有点混乱T.T
In the reading passage, some problem of communalonline encyclopedias has been cited to argue that it is of less value thantraditional, printed encyclopedias. But in the listening lecture,
a professordoes not agree with the points in the passage. Based on three reasons, shesupports her opinion that communal online encyclopedias has its greatadvantages than the traditional, printed ones.

To begin with, the professor disputes theargument in the passage that communal online encyclopedias has flaws leadingmisunderstanding. She admits that the online encyclopedias do have errors, butit is not in the case that the traditional ones which are written by theexperts is perfect. The shortage of those traditional ones, the professorpoints out, is the delay of correcting their mistakes in the printed books fordecades.

What's more, considering that there areattack from hackers, the professor argues that hackers is not only attack theonline encyclopedias. The professor explains that even the printed once couldbe changes and fabricate by attackers. In this sense, the passage's assumedsituation that the changes cannot be realized by readers might cause worse results.
Finally, the professor gives two reasonsfor the problem cited in the passage that communal encyclopedias only containsthe most popular entries. Because the online ones have limited space for theentries so they could only contain what are supposed to be popular. The otherreason is that the user-editing encyclopedias is more representative what theusers are curious most. For this sense, the diversity of the communal, onlineencyclopedias is their strong advantages, comparing with those traditional,printed versions.

独立作文
46min 327words  今天实在写不出来了。。例子也想不出，写作速度也很慢

There are twoparts of a school life for every students: the academic part and the socialpart. How to weigh the activities of the student organizations and the academicstudies, which one is more important? Considering that both play a importantrole in a student's school life, I believe that they are equal in theimportance.

To begin with,even the academic study and the student activities has different impression inthe traditional view, we should realize that both of them can benefit studentsin common. First, not only the clubs and organizations but the academic studiesrequire the ability of cooperation. For example, a drama cannot be displayed bya single student, neither can a academic forum be hold only by an pupils. Inboth of the case, students need to cooperate with each other and them improveskill of communication, discussion, and their leadership. Furthermore, studentsare able to improve their academic performance by taking part in the out ofclass activities, when their academic knowledge can bring new ideas for theclubs and student organizations.

What's more,the most important reason is that their academic and social activities canprovide them good work opportunities. Nowadays, there is not chance for aemployee who only has good academic records. People in their professionalposition, no matter researching or transactional, should have the ability totackle tasks by their academic knowledge as well as to tackle the relationshipsamong their coworkers, bosses and subordinates. For this reason, even thoughstudents in school might not have a complex problem dealing with people, theywill one day confront with the need to show not only their intelligent brainsalso their social ability.

In conclusion,the activities of students organizations and clubs is equally important to theacademic studies. Students can not only benefit from both of them in theirschool lives at present, but also lean to prepare for their future lives in thetrue society.

【独立作文修改稿】
There are two parts of a school life for everystudents: the academic part and the social part. And there are severe debates on the statement whether the activitiesof students organization and clubs are as important as the academic studies. Consideringthat both of them play an important role in students’ campus lives, I believe that they are equal in the importance.

Tobegin with, even the academic study and the student activities has differentimpression in the traditional view, we should realize that both of them can be favorable to students incommon. First, not only the clubs and organizations but the academic studiesrequire the ability of cooperation. For example, a drama cannot be displayed by a single student, neither can a academicforum be hold only by an pupils.(这个倒装用的好) In both of the cases, students need tocooperate with each other and improve skill of communication,discussion, and their leadership. Furthermore, students are able to improvetheir academic performance  by taking part inthe out of class activities, when their academic knowledge can bring new ideasfor the clubs and student organizations.

What'smore, the most important reason is that their academic studies and social activities are indispensable for getting good work opportunities.( 楼主是不是想这样表达the most important reason is that good work opportunities include two indispensable aspects: the academic studies and social activities)Nowadays, there is not chance for an employee who only has good academic records. People in theirprofessional position, no matter researching or transactional, should have theability to deal with tasks by their academic knowledge aswell as to tackle the relationshipsamong their coworkers, bosses and subordinates. For this reason, even thoughstudents in school might not have a complex problem dealing with people, ,they will in the future confront with(be confronted withsth/ confront sth) the need to show not only their intelligent brainsalso their social ability.

Inconclusion, the activities of students organizations and clubs is equallyimportant to the academic studies. Students can not only benefit from both of them in their school lives at present, but also learn to make preparation for their future livesin the real society.

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-12 21:48

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-12 17:59
到今天为止一直在忙着赶论文现在才有空过来还请不要介意。

蓝色是个人意见和建议修改的地方

谢谢laneeshery童鞋~~

T.T单词连在一起，我也不知道为什么，在word里好好的，贴过来就连一块了

关于自杀的例子。。我第一反应也是各种中国的例子，还有希特勒，然后想到，外国古代比如中世纪什么其实也有一些特别为了荣誉较真的领袖和英雄，就是想不到具体的。。

谢谢给的建议，一个朋友的工作例子。不过。。我对编例子不是很在行，一编例子，就会写很多叙述性的东西。。要不然就是编的特别假。。。还想向你请教一下编例子的诀窍~

那个你说看不懂的句子，其实是想用that is, .... 这个句型的，句子想表达领导就应该带领群众“奔小康”...可是自己表述能力实在差劲。。

恩，例子的问题，向来是我的短板呢。。以后多努力~~谢谢你的批改

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-12 21:50
。。。突然想起来，好像小组的要求是，还需要把自己改过的文章贴上来。。。我一直都忘了这个事情了。。今天开始补~

作者: liaxiaowanzi 时间: 2013-8-13 00:34
独立作文
46min 327words  今天实在写不出来了。。例子也想不出，写作速度也很慢

There are two parts of a school life for every students: the academic part and the social part. How to weigh the activities of the student organizations and the academicstudies, which one is more important?（个人感觉题目是在问是否同意学生活动和专业课一样重要或是否能参与学生组织过程中获得和专业课一样的益处，而不是说那个更重要些，楼主再体会体会，是不是和GRE作文搞混了） Considering that both(Both 没有名词这一说) of them play a （an）importantrole in a student's school life（in the campus life of  a student）, I believe that they are equal in theimportance.

To begin with,even the academic study and the student activities has different impression inthe traditional view, we should realize that both of them can benefit (可替换啊 be helpful to...take advantage of..be favourable to)students in common. First, not only the clubs and organizations but the academic studies require the ability of cooperation. For example, a drama cannot be displayed by a single student, neither can a academic forum be hold only by an pupils.(这个倒装用的好) In  both of the case, students need to cooperate with each other and them (貌似应该去掉)improve skill of communication, discussion, and their leadership. Furthermore, students are able to improve their academic performance （分享个句型 students enable their performence to improve）by taking part in the out ofclass activities, when their academic knowledge can bring new ideas for the clubs and student organizations.

What's more,the most important reason is that their academic（添加 studies ）and social activities can provide them good work opportunities.( 楼主是不是想这样表达the most important reason is that good work opportunities include two indispensable aspects: the academic studies and social activities)Nowadays, there is not chance for a （an  已经出现一次了，楼主要尽量避免这个小错误了）employee who only has good academic records. People in their professional position, no matter researching or transactional, should have the ability to tackle（有些重复可替换deal with） tasks by their academic knowledge as well as to tackle (高级词汇)the relationships among their coworkers, bosses and subordinates. For this reason, even though students in school might not have a complex problem dealing with people, ,theywill one day(去掉，换成 in the future) confront with the need to show not only their intelligent brains also their social ability.

In conclusion,the activities of students organizations and clubs is equally important to the academic studies. Students can not only benefit from both of them in theirschool lives at present, but also lean learn to prepare(make a preparation) for their future lives in the true(true是真假的真，感觉应该用real) society.

作者: liaxiaowanzi 时间: 2013-8-13 00:41

liaxiaowanzi 发表于 2013-8-13 00:34
独立作文
46min 327words 今天实在写不出来了。。例子也想不出，写作速度也很慢

总体感觉，时间仓促。事例单薄。
楼主对段落结构的把握还是很清晰的

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-13 09:20

liaxiaowanzi 发表于 2013-8-13 00:41
总体感觉，时间仓促。事例单薄。
楼主对段落结构的把握还是很清晰的

谢谢~恩，你说的问题我也很头疼，事例单薄、事例分析不到位、换词时候词穷，都是我的弱点呢。。正在努力改进。
之前写的两篇作文，都没有事例的。。

然后那个both of them ，具体这里both是作什么词性不太清楚，代词、量词之类的，不过Both of them 这个说法，和all of them, each of them 一样是常见的~^^

作者: lyslj001 时间: 2013-8-13 11:56
咦~~ 难道不是我来改你的作文么？

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-13 16:34

lyslj001 发表于 2013-8-13 11:56
咦~~ 难道不是我来改你的作文么？

。。不知道，好像大家都搞混了，也欢迎你来给点建议哈~~^^

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-13 17:54
看了小分段以前的高分成员的作文贴，发现很多都是用个人、身边亲朋好友做事例说理，很大的启发！

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-13 18:34

xiaxiaya 发表于 2013-8-12 21:48
谢谢laneeshery童鞋~~

T.T单词连在一起，我也不知道为什么，在word里好好的，贴过来就连一块了

编例子说实话我也不知道有什么诀窍。。。
不过减少叙述性描写的话，我的方法是强迫自己在一句话之内、顶多一个长句加一个短句之内把例子写完。这样的话就会努力地去想一些更简洁的表达，同时也会把不必要的部分尽可能的删掉，然后就解决掉啰嗦的问题了。

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-16 22:15

作业 16th AUG

强练了三天口语，重回写作小组

三天里还准备了一下自己的综合写作模板，第一次用，背得还不是熟，用了5分钟才写完开头段，15分钟写了中间两段，最后5分钟写最后一段，手抖了。。不过还好写完了

听力材料好像还蛮容易听懂的，甚至小细节都听到了，但是没来的及记下来，写的时候光回忆模板了。。本来可以写得更细致的。

用了模板，写作的时候感觉能有更多的时间在换词上了，段落的分配也均衡很多, 不过字数还有待提高，模板背诵还有待加强

综合写作 TPO-9 230 words

The reading passage presents a argument that the fuel-cell engine overshadows the internal-combustion engine in several aspects. But the professor in the listening lecture disputes that the fuel-cell engine is not superior to the internal-combustion engine since the passage misleads the readers to some extent. And the professor in lecture support herself based on the following reasons.

To begin with, even though the internal-combustion engines depend on infinite fuel and can cause pollution, the professor argues that the easy availability of hydrogen used by the fuel-cell engines is not the case. She explains that the form of hydrogen in water cannot use for the fuel engines. Also there is still technique limited that can produce the pure and cold hydrogen.

Moreover, the professor contends that the fuel-cell engines are not environment friendly like the passage claims. The process for producing pure hydrogen need a lot of energy, which should burn the oil and other fossil fuel and will consequently make more pollution.

Finally, the professor asserts that the cost for a fuel-cell engine is higher than the internal-combustion engines, which is opposed to the passages statement. She points out that the fuel-cell engine is consisted of a expensive component. The fuel-cell engine cannot work without this part to support the chemical reaction for the hydrogen to produce energy. So it is so far for the population of the fuel-cell engines.

【独立】8.16 (秀文式开头和结尾)
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?In the past young people are more depended on their parents in making decision. Today, young people are better able to make decisions in their own lives.

Better educated as they are, young peopleseems to be more independent than those in the past. But actually, consideringthe fact that they are encoutered in a society with people's relationgshipsgruadually untied, chance of self experiencing decreasing, as well as morechoices to face, today's young people tend to be more likely unable to makedecision on their own. Therefor, in my opinion, the young people today relymore on their parents than before to make decision.

To begin with, since people nowadays livein a more rapid space than several decades before, people are less connectedwith a real reliable realationships so that we become more selfish and careless about other people. This tendency consequently has a essential impact onthe young in our society. There are no more reliable people than their parentswho can give them a hand when they are caught in trouble. For example, when friendsXiao tian seek for a job after graduated, he tried to find some advice from ajob agency, but it turned out that the job introduced for him by the agency isa fake one. As a result, Xiao tian had to ask his parent for help to find ajob. It is the selfish people and unreliable world that makes Xiao tian have nochoice to depend on his parents.

Moreover, with the well developed educationsystem and the carefull parenting of their parents, the younge people now haveless chance to experience lots of things by themselves. Contrast to the past,the young aquire their knowledge from their text book rather than picking upfrom what they really see and do in the practice. It is a good example that myfather used to study through carpenter skill in my grandfather’s workshops, butnowadays I can only learn from textbook in the school, because of the limit oftime and place. Without the experience on my own, I have no idea about what todo when I what to fix even a small chair. Less experience leads to the young,like me, only know the knowledge, but more likely are not able to use them todeal with a real problem.

Finally, more choices presented to theyoung , due to the Internet and modern multi-medias providing a sea ofinformation, make them more unconfident when make choices by themselves. Experiencedas some people are, they would sometimes be difficult to make a choice, facinga lot of available options, not to mention our not experienced young ones. Foryoung people nowadays, they have more majors to research, more careers topursue, more addictions for them to face and prevent. They will definitely turnto their parents for a direction.

Even though some believe that today's youngpeople that are better educated are ableto make choice less depending on their parents, considering the fact of sparserelationships of people, the fewer chance to experience on their own and theincreasing chance, I stand that the young are more likely to rely on theirparents to make decision.

作者: sallygreen 时间: 2013-8-17 18:36
【独立】8.16 (秀文式开头和结尾)
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?In the past young people are more depended on their parents in making decision. Today, young people are better able to make decisions in their own lives.

\表示红色部分删除
灰色部分删除
蓝色部分是添加的
Better educated as they are,(aaa, 这样的格式只有在as做既然得意思是可以，因为 no！) young people seems\ to be more independent than those in the past. But actually, considering the fact that they are encountered in a society with people's relationgships gruadually untied, chance of self experiencing decreasing, as well as more choices to face (where relationship among pepole is estranged, the chance to personal experience is decreased, and possibility to select is aggrandized),(这个排比句的内容觉得说服力感觉不强呢，句式是不错滴~) ，Therefore, in my opinion, today's young people tend to be more likely unable to make decision on their own. Therefore, in my opinion, the young people today rely more on their parents than before to make decision.

To begin with, since people nowadays liveing with a more rapid space than several decades before, people are less connected (contact less) with a real reliable realationships so that we become more selfish and careless(咦~没找到与主题的关系) about other people. This tendency consequently has(produces) a essential impact on the young in our society. There are no more reliable people than their parents who can give them a hand when they are caught in trouble. For example, when friends Xiao tian seek(sought) for a job after graduated(ing), he tried to find some advice from a job agency, but it turned out that the job introduced for him by the agency is a fake one. (这个例子觉得太绝对了，你可以说有些情况下)As a result, Xiao tian had to ask his parent for help to find a job. It is the selfish people and unreliable world that makes\ Xiao tian have no choice to (except) depending on his parents.

(说几点建议哦，首先，这一段的说服力不强，说人们的关心不如以前牢固了，比较普遍的论据应该是说之前人们怎样，现在怎样，LZ没有更多details to support, 说法有些绝对了，这样是不客观滴。其次，例子举的有点偏了，咨询公司也不全都是假信息，另外这个题目主要是在make decision方面, not all of the help from parents)

Moreover, with the well developed education system and the carefull\ parenting of(from) their parents, the younge people now have less chance to experience lots of things by themselves. Contrast to the past,the young aquired their knowledge from their text book rather than picking up from what they really see and do(touch) in the practice. It is a good example that my father used to study through\ carpenter skill in my grandfather’s workshops, but nowadays I can only learn it from textbook in the (at) school, because of the limit of time and place. Without the experience on my own, I have no idea about what to do when I what to(？？) fix even a small chair. Less experience leads to the young,like me, only know the knowledge, but more likely are not able to use them to deal with a real problem.

(still, 木有扣题，这一段的 dependent 没有体现出来，make decision也木有 T.T)

Finally, more choices presented to the young , due to the Internet and modern multi-medias providing a sea of information, make them more unconfident when make choices by themselves. well-Experienced as some people are, they would sometimes be difficult to make a choice, when facing a lot of available options, not to mention our not\ no-experienced young ones. For young people nowadays, they have more majors to research, more careers to pursue, and more addictions(木有找到addictions与论点的直接关系，揭示下最好) for them to face and prevent. They will definitely turn to their parents for a direction. （不是太明白哎）

Even though some believe that today's young people that are better educated are able to make choice less depending on their parents, considering the fact of sparse relationships of （among）people, the fewer chance to experience on their own and the increasing chance(irrevelant information), I stand that the young are more likely to rely on their parents to make decision.

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-18 11:13

sallygreen 发表于 2013-8-17 18:36
【独立】8.16 (秀文式开头和结尾)
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?In the past yo ...

谢谢~昨天没来论坛，今天帮你改~

这个作文只有框架是感觉写的顺的。。例子和论证还没仔细总结和练习过，感觉写得很蹩脚，你改的那些不扣题，论证不当的问题，我写的时候也是这么觉得的。。

作者: sallygreen 时间: 2013-8-18 11:59

xiaxiaya 发表于 2013-8-18 11:13
谢谢~昨天没来论坛，今天帮你改~

这个作文只有框架是感觉写的顺的。。例子和论证还没仔细总结和练习过， ...

嘻嘻，不着急 ~
觉得好像你disagree the title有点难了，agree的原因会好想一点。
下面是我的一点想法对disagree的哦：
1. compared to past, in economic aspect, children are more dependent to parents.
--以前，chidren 上学少，工作早，早挣钱养家。现在， children usually get higher education.
--with richer our society, children now have less sense of money
2. chioce is pretty much now(as you wrote)
--children have poor self-control
  --parents are anxious for thier children.
3. parents's educaiton level is higher than before.
  --they have ability to help thier childre.
  --sometimes, school require the participation of parents.
4. in some developing country, the amount of children reduces. LIke CHina.
--parents have more enery and time to focus on children.
--parents's requirment for children is higher.

仅作参考哈~

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-18 23:12

综合  TPO-12  296 WORDS
第三点听得细节不是特别清楚，模板还是没背好，浪费了点时间，不过字数有所增加，最后还差一点没写完，因为前面花了太多时间在想怎么把笔记表述出来
The reading passage presents a argument that the recently found portrait of a teenage girl owned in the Austen family is a portrait of Jane Austen. But the professor in the listening lecture disputes that the girl in the painting cannot be Jane Austen, which is opposed to the reading passage. And the professor supports his idea based on the following reasons.

To begin with, even though they Austen family have confirmed the in girl in the portrait is Jane Austen, the professor argues that the Austen family's confirmation is not a perfect evidence to claim that the girl in the portrait is Jane Austen. He explains that the family members, who made the confirmation and permission to use the portrait as an illustration in Jane Austen's letters,  have seen the Jane Austen themselves. Because the permission and confirmation were made almost 70 years after the death of Jane Austen.

Moreover, the professor contends that the girl in the picture might be a relative of Jane Austen rather than Jane Austen herself, whereas the reading passage says the  portrait is alike the one in Cassandra's sketch. It is because any girl in the same age of Austen in the Austen family can look like Jane Austen. The professor cited Marry and the other girls in the Austen family as an example, who were in the same age as Jane in that time.

Finally, the professor argues that the painter Ozias Humphrey cannot be the painter of this portrait, because the painting later is dated and Ozias did not start to paint until his was 21 years old, which means that the painting was created earlier than Ozias began to paint. So this is totally disproves the claim in the passage that Ozias is the painter of this protrait.

独立
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
The opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than to older people.

破题花了很长时间。。而且感觉 mor important到底指什么我根本没想明白。。写了一个小时写了些乱七八糟的。。结尾就不写了。。即使是两段也能飙到快五百了。。所以还是缺乏练习。。考试迫在眉睫了。。很捉急T.T。

Even though often viewed important by thepublic for its influence, the opinions of the well-know people in a society,like famous entertainers and athletes, can play an important part for all thesocial members, not only the younger but also the older, several factors, suchas the frequency to receive these opinions, the different characters of theyoung and the old contributes to this issue. Therefore, I note that the ideasof the well-know people in a society are more important to younger people thanthe older ones.

To begin with, the younger people are morelikely to get in touch with and influenced by the thoughts of the socialcelebrities, due to the fact that teenagers or people in their 20s morefrequently use the new medias where the celebrities’ ideas can be quickly andinfluentially conveyed to them. Since this higher rate of using internet andnew medias, the thoughts of the well-known can have more deeply impact on youngpeople and consequently become a coordinate to guide the younger's behavior.The fancy passion of teenagers to trace a singer or idle in Facebook can be agood example. Teenagers in their ages like fashion and popular singers orathletes, such as Talor Sweft, Jastin Biber and C. Ronadal, so they follow themin Facebook to see what they thinks and what they are doing. Graduallyinfluenced by the celebrities’ posts, teenagers’ ideological prefers areunconsciously similar to their model, so does their behavior. But this lesshappened to the older people, since they are less interested in the well-knownsports starts or singers.

Moreover, the similarity of the charactersbetween the young and the well-known people can be another explanation for thefact the thoughts of the celebrities are more accepted by the younger than theolder. It cannot be denied that becoming welcomed by the public means thecelebrities have acceptable characters for the most people in our society. Butvirtually, they are more resembled to the young than the old, which iscontributed to their widely acceptation among young people. In other words, thesports starts or singers in some degrees have something in common with theyoung people, hence the young people regard them as represents, which speak forthe unique feature of the young themselves. It's no surprise to see that the fansof a certain popular singer will defend their idol, as if they are fighting forthemselves. In a word, the younger people take their idols as important representativesfor their own because of the similarity, while the older people with lesschance find the importance among the popular singers or sports stars due tolack of the things in common.

In conclusion....

作者: Mint静默 时间: 2013-8-18 23:47
今天好像是我改你的，你写独立+综合吗

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-19 00:30

Mint静默发表于 2013-8-18 23:47
今天好像是我改你的，你写独立+综合吗

嗯，是的

作者: Mint静默 时间: 2013-8-19 00:31

xiaxiaya 发表于 2013-8-19 00:30
嗯，是的

我也是~~
我明天下午贴出我的作文哈！一起互改~~

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-19 00:33

Mint静默发表于 2013-8-19 00:31
我也是~~
我明天下午贴出我的作文哈！一起互改~~

恩恩~咱们是写18号的吧。。因为队长两天没更新那个帖子了。。

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-19 00:34

Mint静默发表于 2013-8-19 00:31
我也是~~
我明天下午贴出我的作文哈！一起互改~~

话说。。好像没有更新18号的互改安排呀

作者: Mint静默 时间: 2013-8-19 00:34

xiaxiaya 发表于 2013-8-19 00:33
恩恩~咱们是写18号的吧。。因为队长两天没更新那个帖子了。。

是的~~~~~

作者: Mint静默 时间: 2013-8-19 00:36

xiaxiaya 发表于 2013-8-19 00:34
话说。。好像没有更新18号的互改安排呀

在群里说的，因为你占位占成第六期的了，他很晚才看到，我又很晚才占位，所以我们两就凑一块了。。。

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-19 00:42

Mint静默发表于 2013-8-19 00:36
在群里说的，因为你占位占成第六期的了，他很晚才看到，我又很晚才占位，所以我们两就凑一块了。。。 ...

哦~原来是这样，我说第六期的帖子里的安排怎么不更新了~ 谢谢你提醒我哈^^

作者: Mint静默 时间: 2013-8-19 14:22

xiaxiaya 发表于 2013-8-19 00:42
哦~原来是这样，我说第六期的帖子里的安排怎么不更新了~ 谢谢你提醒我哈^^ ...

写了篇独立，请阅
http://forum.chasedream.com/thread-870505-1-1.html
下午我来改你的作文，咩哈哈！

综合也写了下~~

作者: sallygreen 时间: 2013-8-19 17:32
xiaxiaya 童鞋肿么还木有帮我改哦~ 催一下 8.16的独立

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-19 18:36

sallygreen 发表于 2013-8-19 17:32
xiaxiaya 童鞋肿么还木有帮我改哦~ 催一下 8.16的独立

SORRY...SORRY。。。我搞错人了。。马上改

作者: Mint静默 时间: 2013-8-19 19:09
已经改完了哦！

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-19 19:39

Mint静默发表于 2013-8-19 19:09
已经改完了哦！

Even though often viewed important by the public for its influence（这句话有点多余，even though表转折，这一句和后面一句不是一个意思吗）, the opinions of thewell-know people in a society, like（改为such as，like仅用于比较不能用于举例） famous entertainersand athletes, can play an important part for (in) all the social members, not onlythe younger but also the older. Several factors, such as the frequency to receive these opinions,the different characters of the young and the old contributes to this issue(什么issue…你是不是漏写了几句话). Therefore,（这个结论怎么得出来的……） I note that the ideas of thewell-know people in a society are more important to younger people than theolder ones.

To begin with, the younger people are more likely to get in touchwith and influenced by the thoughts of the social celebrities, due to the fact thatteenagers or people in their 20s more frequently use the new medias （media已经是复数了）where thecelebrities’ ideas can be quickly and in fluentially (fluently)conveyed to them. Since this higher rate of using internet and new medias, the thoughts of thewell-known can have moredeeply impact on young people and consequently become a coordinate to guide theyounger's behavior. The fancy(这个形容词不太好吧，可以换成wild) passion of teenagers to trace (trace是追溯，追踪的意思，用chase after更好一些) a singer or idle in Facebook can be a good example. Teenagers intheir ages like fashion and popular singers or athletes, such as Taylor Swift, Justin Bibber and C. Ronadal, sothey follow them in Facebook to see what they thinks and what they are doing. Gradually influenced by thecelebrities’ posts, teenagers’ ideologicalprefers (preferences) are unconsciouslysimilar to their models’, so does (is) their behavior. But this less happened to the older people, since theyare less interested in the well-known sports starts or singers.

Moreover, the similarity of the characters betweenthe young and the well-known people can be another explanation for the fact thethoughts of the celebrities are more accepted by the younger than the older (这句话好像因果关系反了，the similarity of the characters是结果，the fact才是explanation). It cannot bedenied that becoming welcomed by the public means that the celebrities haveacceptable characters for the most people in our society. But virtually, theyare more resembled to the young than the old (这句有点chinglish了哦，可以说“他们大部分为年轻人”), which is contributed to their widely acceptation among youngpeople. In other words, the sports starts or singers in some degrees（degree表程度是不可数） have something in common withthe young people, hence the young people regard them as represents（representations）, which speak for the unique feature of the youngthemselves. It's no surprise to see that the fans of a certain popular singerwill defend their idol, as if they are fighting for themselves. In a word, the younger people take theiridols as important representatives for their own because of the similarity,while the older people with less chance find（have less chances to find） the importance among (of) the popular singers or sports stars due to the lack of the things in common.

In conclusion....

谢谢Mint的修改~~~其实这篇自己看了都想吐。。。
1.其实开头用的模板。。模板没练熟，套起来怪怪的。。而且模板我初看的时候，也觉得挺奇怪的
2.那个因果关系，我其实是想写“因为有更多的相同点，所以会有the fact 年轻人更容易接受”
3.那个among 是说“在。。人之中”的意思，是个介词，不用加of滴

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-19 19:41

Mint静默发表于 2013-8-19 19:09
已经改完了哦！

综合写作其实你标出来的都是模板改的~你可以看看慎小巅的《十天搞定新托福essay》里面的模板，然后自己换词，换顺序~
模板N多人验证过不扣分，而且让写作的时候更专心对听力和笔记的paraphrase而不用想怎么去对比听力和原文

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-19 19:54

sallygreen 发表于 2013-8-19 17:32
xiaxiaya 童鞋肿么还木有帮我改哦~ 催一下 8.16的独立

~~OK，搞定了~~

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-19 20:00
19th AUG

【独立】这个题目比较好写，可是还是写了一个小时。。没写结尾 490+words

More acceptable as it might be, being similar to others can only be a part of propeller on one's way to his goad. However, other ability, such as the attractions for grasp people's attention, the differentways to think as well as the courage to make a break through the convention, actually play the most part for success. Therefore, in my opinion, being distinctive to the ordinary is more likely to succeed.

To begin with, with different features, notonly can a person benefit from his attraction to the public, but also he canwin the focus from the persons who can give him a hand on the way to his goad.By a totally different marketing strategy, which is opposed to what most of thesmart phone companies apply, Lei Jun, the founder of Xiaomi technology, hasspur the interest and desire of the customers so that makes his product a bigsell. Due to the new purchase method, more people are attractive to try the infamoussmart phone of Lei Jun. And my friends Yaccob is another good example thatbeing different can make a different. When he attended software developerposition in a famous firm, he made his self-introduction by using the softwarehe developer to display his advantages for that position, which made themanager decide to give him a director position. It is his difference that giveshim the chance to make the manager find his talent.

Moreover, to be distinctive also make aperson think and view from different aspects, which can lead to a perfectlycreative idea. If a person like to become different, pursuing differences pushhim to think different. There are lots of well-known scientific discovery derivingfrom the strange scientists and their strange ideas, such as Edison and hisbulb, Franklin and his lightening experiment. All of these people were regardedas freak at the beginning of their crazy actions, but they all turned out tomark in the history, as the most famous examples for unusual and creativethinking improving human's lives.

Finally,the person who differ from others have are bond to challenge the old andconventional rules, which is contributed to breaking through from the stereotypes.To be different from others have to avoid the conventions and rules and set upthe new styles. Never can Jobs complete his i-phone by obeying the traditionalindustrial criteria; Never can Karmellon's movies hit the top by following theacademic style; And never can Jacica succeed on the Broadway by dancing theballet steps. Having the courage to become different, in some extent, means thathaving the courage to break the rule people observe for long time. Only possessthis courage, can a person achieve his life.

【综合】模板又忘了，听力细节也听不清楚。。。完蛋了。。291words

The reading passage presents an argumentthat the private exchange of fossils has a negative effect on both the generalpublic and the scientists. But the professor in the listening lecture disputesthat private collectors actually do good for the fossils research and thepublic interest in fossil, which is opposed to the reading passage. And theprofessor supports her idea based on the following reasons.

To begin with, even though the readingpassage argues that the private collectors tend to prohibit the public to seetheir fossil collections so the public will lose their interest in the fossils,the professor disproves that the increasing passion in the private fossilmarket can really inspire the interest of the public. And lots of purchases inthe private market is also accessiblefor the researchers, which will not make scientists lose the most importantinformation for the fossil in the private market.

Moreover, the professor contends that theprivate collectors tend to turn to the scientists for help to evaluate thefossils, whereas the reading passages claims that the private collectors willbe the obstacle for the scientific research in fossils. The professor explainsthat the purchasers themselves always need the professional advice fromscientists, when they first decide to collect a certain fossil. In this circumstance,the scientists will not lose the chance to recognize and investigate the mostimportant information in the fossils.

Finally, the professor also points out thatthe research and protection of fossil can take the advantages from thecommercial fossil collectors, which is contrary to the reading passage's claim.Because the collectors sometimes can help scientists to unearth fossil and theyare not likely to do harm to their collections. So the reading passage is notcorrect.

作者: lyslj001 时间: 2013-8-19 22:44
TPO9 Xiaxia君我也晚到了...请原谅 T,T 上一次错过了时间，还以为没有给我安排任务了，今天一看居然有！！！我没找到tpo10，就改tpo9吧！刚好我也写了这篇~嘿嘿嘿
绿色是我觉得有待改进的地方。橘黄色是我觉得可以学习之的地方~
The reading passage presents a（an） argument that the fuel-cell engine overshadows the internal-combustion engine in several aspects. But the professor in the listening lecture disputes that the fuel-cell engine is not superior to the internal-combustion engine since the passage misleads the readers to some extent. And the professor in lecture support herself based on the following reasons.

To begin with, even though the internal-combustion engines depend on infinite fuel（咦~ 说无尽的是不是反了？） and can cause pollution, the professor argues that the easy availability of hydrogen used by the fuel-cell engines is not the case. She explains that the form of hydrogen in water cannot use（be used） for the fuel engines. Also there is still technique limited（limitation） that can produce the pure and cold hydrogen.

Moreover, the professor contends that the fuel-cell engines are not （so）environment（-） friendly like（as） the passage claims. The process for producing pure hydrogen need a lot of energy, which should burn the oil and other fossil fuel （可以说， which is obtained by burning oil and ~ energy不是自己来burn oil的）and will consequently make more pollution.

Finally, the professor asserts（词汇变化多样，很不错啊） that the cost for a fuel-cell engine is higher than the internal-combustion engines, which is opposed to the passages statement. She points out that the fuel-cell engine is consisted of a（an） expensive component. The fuel-cell engine cannot work without this part to support the chemical reaction for the hydrogen to produce energy. So it is so far for the population of the fuel-cell engines.
Xiaxia君的整体框架式没有问题的。一些细节也都听到了。比较明显的问题是主动被动、动词名词、an/a 这些容易出错的地方，有时候也会让句子变得不通顺，所以还是要细细抠一抠~ 一起加油！哟吼~

作者: Mint静默 时间: 2013-8-19 23:20

xiaxiaya 发表于 2013-8-19 19:41
综合写作其实你标出来的都是模板改的~你可以看看慎小巅的《十天搞定新托福essay》里面的模板，然后自己换 ...

好的~~我看了慎小X那本书，好多要记得东西啊~~地道的词组、句子之类的

作者: Mint静默 时间: 2013-8-19 23:21

xiaxiaya 发表于 2013-8-19 19:39
Even though often viewed important by the public for its influence（这句话有点多余，even though表转 ...

这不能怪你。。。题目太ugly了！待会我看看小分队里其他人怎么写的

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-19 23:40

lyslj001 发表于 2013-8-19 22:44
TPO9 Xiaxia君我也晚到了...请原谅 T,T 上一次错过了时间，还以为没有给我安排任务了，今天一看居然有！ ...

^^谢谢~~谢谢~

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-19 23:46

lyslj001 发表于 2013-8-19 22:44
TPO9 Xiaxia君我也晚到了...请原谅 T,T 上一次错过了时间，还以为没有给我安排任务了，今天一看居然有！ ...

恩恩，这是第一次用模板，感觉还是有点紧张。。就像你改那样，好多错漏的词什么的^^谢谢你那么细心的修改

作者: 饼干小熊 时间: 2013-8-20 09:24
昨天那个童鞋应该帮我改18号的，结果帮我改了19号的... 麻烦你帮我改下18号的综合吧...谢谢啦...55555

字数写这么多不容易，听力还要多练练哈~

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-20 10:15
谢谢饼干小熊童鞋~~
自己提醒自己：换词建议—— trade可以替换买卖之类的

The reading passage presents an argument thatthe private exchange of fossils has a negative effect on both the(去掉) general publicand the scientists. But the professor in thelistening lecture disputesthat private collectors actually do good for thefossils research and thepublic interest in fossil, which is opposed to thereading passage. And theprofessor supports her idea base on the followingreasons.不是对科学家的负面影响，对科学研究更贴切
建议第一段不要模板，读起来绕来绕去的很晕

To begin with, even though the reading passageargues that the private collectors tend to prohibit thepublic to seetheir fossil collections so the public will lose their interest inthe fossils, the professordisproves that the increasing passion in the private fossilmarket can reallyinspire the interest of the public. And lots of purchases inthe privatemarket is also accessiblefor theresearchers, which will not make scientists lose the most importantinformationfor the fossil in the private market.
1.Prohibit 有点让人感觉是去故意阻止的, ( Prohibit Verb1. command against;)
2.红色部分与我对听力的理解有偏差

Moreover, the professor contends thatthe private collectors tend to(去掉) turn to the scientists for help to evaluate the fossils,whereas the reading passages claims that the private collectors willbe theobstacle to (改成for) the scientific research in fossils. The professor explains that thepurchasers themselves （去掉） always need the professional advice from scientists, when they first decide to collect acertain fossil.句子不对，我貌似没听到这句 In this circumstance,the scientists willnot lose chance to recognize andinvestigate the most important information in the fossils.是不是把2和3的观点听混了？

Finally, the professor also points outthatthe research and protection of fossil can take the advantages from the commercialfossil collectors, which is contrary to the reading passage's claim. Because thecollectors sometimes can help scientists to unearth fossil and theyare notlikely to do harm to their collections. So the reading passage is not correct. 这词有点绝对
最后一段和听力有点出入

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-20 21:44
20th AUG, 转眼还有5天考试了。。写作文的时间不多了T.T

【独立】Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
It is better to relax by watching a movie or reading a book than doing physical exercise.

389words， 40min，本来能30分钟写完的，越写到后面越词穷，一词穷就打字速度慢下来了。。。这个题目算是很好写的一类了，感觉第一段论证还行，后面大概只有10分钟，写到了第三段论证的第二句时间就到了。多花了10分钟写完剩下的和结尾，看来段内论证的逻辑顺序还得自己准备好几套，以备不时之需。这个字数其实还能再多点的，论证都没展开。

Interesting as it might be, books andmovies can only be the condiment for life. Real relaxing one's body is based onthe factors, such as a positive emotion, a long-run healthy body condition aswell as a suitable way to relax for different types of people. Therefore, in myopinion, doing sports is a better way than watching videos and reading books toget relaxed.

To begin with, even some people wouldwonder that how possible people can get relaxed by adding the physicalpressure, such doing exercises, on them, hitting gyms can actually activatepeople's body by a bit of physical pressure on them. Not only can exercisesbe highly intensive, but also it can betight and relaxed. Some oxygen-sports (自己先给自己纠个错aerobic exercise，后面也都用错了), for example yoga or jogging, can push people less. In addition, oxygen-sports can increase the people's metabolismrate and their oxygen input. According to the scientific research, highermetabolism rate and oxygen ingestion can real lessen people's muscle pressureand make people relaxed.

Moreover, as we all known that doing sport canbe benefit to the mental and physical health, healthy body condition ensurespeople's strength to persistent（自己纠错，resistant才是抵抗的意思） the pressures which are the resource of our tiring feelings. It isno doubt that watching movies and doing some reading can slow down our space afterwork or study. But if we want to be less stressed out, enforcing our health isthe only method that works.

Finally, watching movies and reading booksare sometimes not suitable for students or the people who use eyes intensivelyin their work. Because watching movies and reading books can make their eyesmore tied, which will do harm to their eyes. On the contrary, playing tennis,basketball, or football help those people relax their eyes as well asactivating their whole body, considering that the people who often use eyesalso suffer sedimetay（自己纠错sedentary久坐的） habits. Not only can students and office people find the suitabletype of exercises, but any kinds of people can meet their tastes in the gyms orsports fields.

In conclusion, even though some peoplemight be fond of movies or books as their relaxing ways, the exercise, whichcan relax and be benefit to all kinds of people in a long-run, is the bestchoice to relax ourselves from the rapid and intensive pace of our lives.

【综合】TPO-14 280 words 还是有一两点细节没听清楚。。而且笔记记得太简单，写到后面自己又想不起来了。。所以笔记和听力要找到一个平衡点才行

The reading passage presents an argumentthat not only the forest but the economy can benefit from the salvage logging.But the professor in the listening lecture disputes that the drawback of thesalvage logging might overshadow its short term gain, which is opposed to thereading passage. And she supports her point of view based on the followingreasons.

To begin with, even though the new treeneed room for growth, but it is not necessary to remove the dead trees for thenew ones as the professor argues. She explains that the dead tree mightdecomposed to add some nutrition into the soil which will do good for thegrowth of new trees. But if the dead ones are cleaned soon after the forestfire, it will decrease the necessary elements for trees to grow.

Moreover, the professor contends thatinsect problem cannot necessarily result a damage for the forest, despite thestatement in the passage that dead trees will cause a serious insectinfestation. The professor demonstrates her idea with the fact that the decreaseof insect resulted from salvage logging will do harm for the birds in theforest. And birds play an important role in the forest eco-system. So salvagelogging can be more harmful to forest than the insect problem.

Finally, the professor asserts that theeconomic gain from salvage logging will be small and comteporay (自改temporary ) ,whereas the reading passage claim the advantages of salvage logging inindustries and employment. The professor proves the claim is indefensible bypointing out that the lumber of salvage logging cannot be maintain for lots ofindustries and the workers need some specific experience to do the work.
[ 最后一段听力里的因果细节没听清楚，再加上时间不够自己编的。。所以希望改的童鞋给最后一段纠正一下~]

作者: 倾海比目鱼 时间: 2013-8-20 22:00
xiaxia 我们不是互改8.19的吗？

作者: 倾海比目鱼 时间: 2013-8-20 22:25
Interesting as it might be, books and movies can only be the condiment for life. Real relaxing one's body is based on the factors, such as a positive emotion, a long-run healthy body condition as well as a suitable way to relax for different types of people. Therefore, in my opinion, doing sports is a better way than watching videos and reading books to get relaxed.

To begin with, even some people would wonder that how possible people can get relaxed by adding the physical pressure, such doing exercises, on them？？, hitting gyms can actually activate people's body by a bit of physical pressure on them. Not only can exercises be highly intensive, but also it can be tight and relaxed（这两个词能并列吗？）. Some oxygen-sports (自己先给自己纠个错aerobicexercise，后面也都用错了), for example yoga or jogging（Some aerobic exercise like yoga or jogging,for example这样会不会好的啊）, can push people less （pressure?）. In addition, oxygen-sports can increase the people's metabolism rate and their oxygen input. According to the scientific research, higher metabolism rate and oxygen ingestion can real lessen people's muscle pressure and make people relaxed.

Moreover, as we all known that doing sport can be benefit to the mental and physical health, healthy body condition ensures people's strength to persistent（自己纠错，resistant才是抵抗的意思） the pressures which are the resource of our tiring feelings. It is no doubt that watching movies and doing some reading can slow down our space?? after work or study. But if we want to be less stressed out, enforcing our health is the only method that works??.

Finally, watching movies and reading books are sometimes not suitable for students or the people who use eyes intensively in their work(by gazing on the screen nearly会不会好点 ). Because watching movies and reading books can make their eyes more tied , which will do harm to their eyes. On the contrary, playing tennis,basketball, or football help those people relax their eyes as well as activating（并列activate） their whole body, considering that the people who often use eyesalso suffer sedimetay（自己纠错sedentary久坐的） habits. Not only can students and office people find the suitabletype of exercises, but any kinds of people can meet their tastes in the gyms or sports fields.

In conclusion, even though some peoplemight be fond of movies or books as their relaxing ways, the exercise, whichcan relax and be benefit to all kinds of people in a long-run, is the bestchoice to relax ourselves from the rapid and intensive pace of our lives.

思路挺好的，而且模板痕迹很少。学习。但文章有点长感觉

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-20 22:35

倾海比目鱼发表于 2013-8-20 22:25
Interesting as it might be, books and movies can only be the condiment for life. Real relaxing one's ...

389不算长了童鞋^^。。。400~450正合适

作者: FrancisEvens 时间: 2013-8-20 23:09

xiaxiaya 发表于 2013-8-20 22:35
389不算长了童鞋^^。。。400~450正合适

倾海貌似把我的工作做了？？帮你改了20号的独立？？

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-21 08:21

FrancisEvens 发表于 2013-8-20 23:09
倾海貌似把我的工作做了？？帮你改了20号的独立？？

...他其实应该改我19号的。。改成20的了。
你再该改改吧？不同人可以发现不同问题~

作者: FrancisEvens 时间: 2013-8-21 10:46

8.20

Interesting as it might be, books and movies can only be the condiment for life. Real relaxing（感觉“真正的放松”不是这么表达） one's body is based on the factors, such as a positive emotion, a long-run healthy body condition as well as a suitable way to relax for different types of people. Therefore, in my opinion, doing sports is a better way than watching videos and reading books toget relaxed.

To begin with, even some people would wonder that how possible people can get relaxed by adding the physical pressure, such as doing exercises, on them,(句号） hitting gyms can actually activate people's body by （putting) a bit of physical pressure on them. Not only (it) can exercisesbe highly intensive, but also it can be tight and relaxed. Some oxygen-sports (自己先给自己纠个错aerobic exercise，后面也都用错了), for example yoga or jogging, can push people less. In addition, oxygen-sports can increase the people's metabolismrate and their oxygen(oxygen input不能被increase,应该是吸入的量） input. According to the scientific research, higher metabolism rate and oxygen ingestion can real lessen people's muscle pressure and make people relaxed.（“can”这个词是不是使用过于频繁了呢）

Moreover, as we all known that doing sport can be benefit（benefitial) to the mental and physical health,(句号。前后是两个句子） healthy body condition ensures people's strength to persistent（自己纠错，resistant才是抵抗的意思） the pressures which are the resource of our tiring feelings. It（There) is no doubt that watching movies and doing some reading can slow down our space(楼主是不是想说pace) afterwork or study. But if we want to be less stressed out, enforcing our health is the only method that works.

Finally, watching movies and reading books are sometimes not suitable for students or the people who use eyes intensively in their work. Because watching movies and reading books can make their eyes more tied, which will do harm to their eyes. On the contrary, playing tennis, basketball, or football help those people relax their eyes as well asactivating their whole body, considering that the people who often use eyes also suffer sedimetay（自己纠错sedentary久坐的） habits. Not only can students and office people find the suitable type of exercises, but any kinds(every kind) of people can meet their tastes in the gyms or sports fields.

In conclusion, even though some people might be fond of movies or books as their relaxing ways, the exercise, whichc an relax and be benefit to all kinds of people in a long-run, is the best choice to relax ourselves(themselves) from the rapid and intensive pace of our lives.

作者: lyslj001 时间: 2013-8-21 20:45
tpo14综合修改新鲜出炉啦~
提高听力是王道！
并且求批改~~ http://forum.chasedream.com/thread-869676-4-1.html

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-9-1 11:09

The readingpassage presents an argument that not only the forest but the economy canbenefit from the salvage logging. But the professor in the listening lecturedisputes that the [url=]drawbacks[/url][A1] of the salvage logging might overshadow its short term gain, which isopposed to the reading passage. And she supports her point of view based on thefollowing reasons.

To begin with, even though the new trees need room for growth, [A2] it is not necessary to remove the dead trees for the new ones as theprofessor argues. She explains that the dead tree might be decomposedto add some nutrition into the soil [url=]which[/url][A3] will [url=]do good for[/url][A4] the growth of new trees. But if the dead ones（ones我觉得替代的很好，很简单但是很地道） are cleaned soon after the forest fire,[url=]it[/url][A5] will decrease the necessary elements for trees to grow.

Moreover, the professor contendsthat insect problem cannot necessarily result a damage for the forest, despitethe statement in the passage that dead trees will cause a serious insect infestation. The professor demonstrates her idea with the fact that the decrease ofinsect resulted from salvage logging [url=]will do harm to the birds in the forest[/url][A6] . And birds play animportant role in the forest eco-system. So salvage logging can be moreharmful to forest than the insect problem.

Finally, the professor asserts that the economic gain from salvage logging willbe small and comteporay (自改temporary ) ,whereas thereading passage claims the advantages of salvage logging in industries andemployment. The professor proves the claim to be indefensible by pointing outthat the lumber of salvage logging cannot be maintain for lots of industriesand the workers need some specific experience to do the [url=]work[/url][A7] .

模板的痕迹不算很重，感觉如果逻辑连词用的到位，文章就会很自然。最后一段我也觉得不太好听懂诶~ 真是要好好回去研究下怎么保证听懂又能把笔记都记下来了~ 共勉！！！

[A1]drawback可以作可数，并且后面提到了不止一个缺点，同时后面的overshadow是复数形式

[A2]even though 和 but只可用一个

[A3]这里which紧挨着soil，变成指代soil了，可以改成Ving伴随状语形式

[A4]Google了一下，好像比较少有这种用法，xiaxia君确定是这样吗？会不会do good to还相对常见些呢

[A5]这里的it指代不明

[A6]这里其实说的是birds也会在这些deadtrees里面栖息，有利于森林的成长，而没有说会危害到鸟类

[A7]最后一段大概说的是，把这些树木运出森林会话费很多money，而那些创造出来的工作是temporary的，并且都被有经验的外地人抢走了，本地人没什么收获

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