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标题: 【跪求狠批】【求拍砖！】希望能从22提到27~感谢您的批改与帮助！ [打印本页]

作者: ChristinaJuris 时间: 2013-8-7 17:15
标题: 【跪求狠批】【求拍砖！】希望能从22提到27~感谢您的批改与帮助！
希望能从22提到27~
感谢您的批改与帮助！！！

作者: ChristinaJuris 时间: 2013-8-8 19:42
Personal health has long been the hotest issue drawing our attention. Some believe that we are now in a tough situation to remain healthy mainly because of the enviromental polution and food unsafety. From my where I stand, although such environmental headaches and some food safety cases as the depletion of ozone layer or Sanlu Milk case may plague modern people to some degree, the profits provided by the rapid development of both society and high-technology makes it easier to improve citizen a healthier life.

While it is true that the recent environmental problems endanger people’s health to a certain degree. Harmful gases in the air, materials in water and noise in the environment lead to diseases like asthma, melancholia, etc. BUT, those health killers weigh considerably less when it comes to the advances in technology and people’s awareness in health maintenance.

For one thing, the modern medical advances, which makes human live longer, are helping people taking better care of themselves nowadays than in the past. Modern medical science has overcame diseases that might take our lives in the past, such as smallpox, typhoid, and Sepsis. Patients can be treated in modern hospitals and be cured eventually, and pregnants and their unborn babies are better protected to smoothly pass the deliver process since the amazing development of science and technology in the field of medicine.

Meanwhile, people become gradually aware of the significance of good health. Compared with the past days struggling on the edge of food and warm, people nowadays not only have enough food, but also paid more attention to the quality of food. Attributing to updating scientific researches, various advertising campaigns and many health programs, people begin despising fast food with high calorie while advocating green organic food. Instead of dining out frequently and drinking like a fish, people spend more time eating at home, staying away from illegally recycled waste cooking oil. What's more, newly populated gym centers and university playgrounds provided once couch potatoes an opportunity to do lifting, stepping, boxing or yogas.

作者: slhtzbpxz 时间: 2013-8-9 12:15
Per son al health has long been the hotest (热门的最高级是hottest） issue drawing our attention（学渣觉得causing wide public concern可能会稍微正式点 ^_^）. Some believe that we are now in a tough sit u a tion to re main healthy mainly because of the enviromental(r后面有个n） polution（l有双写的） and food unsafety. From my where I stand, al though such en vi ron men tal headaches and some food safety cases as the de ple tion of ozone lay er or Sanlu Milk case may plague mod ern peo ple to some de gree, the profits pro vid ed by the rapid de vel op ment of both society and high-tech nol o gy makes it eas i er to im prove cit i zen a healthier life.

橙色：很棒的地方
绿色：自己脑子抽搐的奇怪想法
黄色：小小的固定搭配和词汇

While it is true that the re cent en vi ron men tal prob lems en dan ger peo ple’s health to a cer tain de gree（endanger用得很棒！但是to a degree第一段中用过了，可以考虑去掉或者替换一下）.  Harmful gases in the air, materials in water and noise in the environment lead to dis eases like asth ma, melancholia, etc（后面要反驳的话前面觉得可以再简化一点的）. BUT（不用全部大写的 ^_^而且改成However或者Nevertheless会好一些）, those health killers weigh con sid er ably less when it comes to the ad vances in tech nol o gy（前面用过了，不如替换成medical treatment) and peo ple’s aware ness in health main te nance.整段句式和用词很好，但是好像内容稍微少了点，考虑加一个例子吗？比如说对小儿麻痹症的根治

For one thing, the mod ern med i cal ad vances（cutting-edge technology尖端技术), which makes human live longer, are helping people taking（help to do&help do) bet ter care of them selves nowa days than in the past. Modern medical science(technique) has overcame diseases that might take our lives in the past, such as smallpox, typhoid, and Sepsis.（好厉害知道那么多！） Patients can be treated in modern hospitals and be cured eventually, and pregnants(孕妇是pregnant women哦） and their unborn babies are better protected to smoothly pass the  deliver process since（我查了一下字典好像since后面不能加句子的） the amazing development（the ever-accelerated updating of science and technology感觉更好一点) of science and technology in the field of medicine.

Meanwhile, peo ple be come grad u al ly aware of the sig nif i cance of good health（physical an mental fitness). Com pared with the past days（总感觉对比对象怪怪的） strug gling on the edge of food and warm, peo ple nowa days not on ly have enough food（a considerable leap in adqueate food), but al so paid(pay) more at ten tion to the qual i ty of food. Attributing to up dat ing sci en tif ic re searches, var i ous ad ver tis ing cam paigns and many health pro grams, peo ple be gin de spis ing fast food with high calo rie while ad vo cat ing green or gan ic food. In stead of din ing out fre quent ly and drink ing like a fish, peo ple spend more time eat ing at home, stay ing away from il le gal ly re cy cled waste cook ing oil(觉得太细节化了，美帝不一定知道地沟油 0 0）. What's more, new ly pop u lat ed gym cen ters and uni ver si ty play grounds pro vid ed once couch pota toes an op por tu ni ty to do lift ing, step ping, box ing or yo gas.

总体的句式和词汇都很厉害，棒棒的！但是最后可以考虑加一个结尾，毕竟说理到了最后还是要总结一下^_^,还有字数可能不是很够，因为托福好像字打得多是有分数加成的，字太少基准分可能就低了吧

学渣一枚，疏漏之处还望包涵

作者: slhtzbpxz 时间: 2013-8-9 12:16
=。=为什么发上去之后前面的说明跑到中间去了。。。。你应该能看懂吧。。不好意思了^_^

作者: ChristinaJuris 时间: 2013-10-2 19:27
10月1日独立写作
What is success? To laugh often and love much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affecting of children, and to leave the world a little better, whether by a healthy child, a garden pitch, or a redeemed social condition——That is to have succeed. According to the definition of “success” given by Ralph Waldo Emerson, are people who develop many different skills more successful than people who focus on one skill only? My answer is definitely no. Because compared with those versatile persons, people who focus on one skill only and then became the specialist in that field are of the same importance or even more essential to the state and society in improvement of the science and technology, economy and public welfare.

The science and technology calls for specialists. A person who has special knowledge and skill relating to a particular job, area of study sometimes has contributed more to the further study and research of the science and technology than versatile people. Take a example for reference in special steel in aircraft carrier, the primary benefits sought through the use of this special steel were savings in energy, labor, and scheduling that would result from reduced preheat for welding, which made the special steel extremely crucial and necessary to aircraft carrier building. Therefore, people who focus on special steel only and help building the key part of aircraft carrier can be more successful than those who have a wide range of knowledge but are not professional enough in special steel.

Furthermore, after Adam Smith expounds the relationship between the division of labor and its value in economy, the concept of the of the “useful” labor who are able to do many different things gave way gradually to the present-day notion of the “successful” labor who, though does not develop many different skills, is yet considered successful for his or her speciality in the division of labor. The judge of the Intellectual property, for instance, will be praised as a great judge for making fabulous and right judgments of Intellectual property, but not for a great deal of knowledge of multiple law rules, such as Criminal and Constitutional Law Rules, that he or she accumulated.

Finally, people who focus on one skill only are also successful or even more useful than versatile ones because they can win more respect of intelligent people and the affecting of children for their professional knowledge and skills, and leave the world better by further certain study and research of science and technology. That is why I do NOT agree with the statement that people who develop many different skills are more successful than people who focus on one skill only.

作者: kellyzhou0000 时间: 2013-10-4 21:29
What is success? To laugh often and love much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affecting of children, and to leave the world a little better, whether by a healthy child, a garden pitch, or a redeemed social condition——That is to have succeed. According to the definition of “success” given by Ralph Waldo Emerson,（这句according放在这有点不理解）are people who develop many different skills more successful than people who focus on one skill only? My answer is definitely no. Because compared with those versatile persons（person复数就是people了吧？) , people who focus on one skill only and then became the specialists in that（the particular） field are of the same importance or even more essential to the state and society in the improvement of the science and technology, economy and public welfare.

The science and technology calls for specialists. A person who has special knowledge and skill relating(related) to a particular job, area of study sometimes has contributed more to the further study and research of the science and technology than versatile people.（这句结构很好） Take an example for（of？） reference in special steel in aircraft carrier, the primary benefits sought through the use of this special steel were(are) savings in energy, labor, and scheduling that would result from reduced preheat for welding, which made the special steel extremely crucial and necessary to aircraft carrier building. Therefore, people who focus on special steel only and help building the key part of aircraft carrier can be more successful than those who have a wide range of knowledge but are not professional enough in special steel.

Furthermore, after Adam Smith expounds(expouded) the relationship between the division of labor and its value in economy, the concept of the of the “useful” labor who are （would be/is） able to do many different things gave way gradually to the present-day notion of the “successful” labor who, though does not develop many different skills, is yet considered successful for his or her speciality in the division of labor. The judge of the Intellectual property, for instance, will be praised as a great judge for making fabulous and right judgments of Intellectual property, but not for a great deal of knowledge of multiple law rules, such as Criminal and Constitutional Law Rules, that he or she accumulated.

Finally, people who focus on one skill only are also successful or even more useful than versatile ones because they can win more respect of intelligent people and the affecting of children for their professional knowledge and skills, and leave the world better by further certain study and research of science and technology. That is why I do NOT agree with the statement that people who develop many different skills are more successful than people who focus on one skill only.
楼主的语言功底不错，一些插入语和状语从句用的活灵活现，配合着各种时态的动词。有个问题是不知是不是楼主时间不够，感觉段落展开的不够好，每个例子都举的很独特，耳目一新，要是段落再多一些总结的语句就更好了。还有就是极个别的因为句子过长，主从句的时态不一致~
不过楼主作文感觉很厉害，例子很有深度，要好好学习！！！
抱歉楼主，十一有同学来玩，耽误了两天，这么晚才改~~~

作者: ChristinaJuris 时间: 2013-10-6 17:49

10月5日综合写作

The author of the article casts doubt on the “burning mirror” in the history of ancient Greek by putting forward three strong arguments which are technologically impossible, time faultiness and the lack of motivation for making burning mirror. Nevertheless, the lecturer sustains that the burning mirror might have once appeared in the ancient Greek port city by reputing the writer’s points one by one.

First, the author claims it’s technologically impossible for the Greeks to form a single sheet of copper to make a large, burning mirror in ancient Greece. The lecturer, however, points out a essential experiment which shown that dozens of small polished copper could be arranged into a parabolic shape and then form the burning mirror.

In addition, the author illustrates that the burning mirror cannot have such a long time to set the ships on fire and the Roman navy would not stay still waiting for the fire. While the lecturer finds out the faultiness of the experiment noticed in the article—— the Roman boats were not made just of wood. There are other materials involved as well and those materials could be set on fire by burning mirror in seconds.

Finally, the author maintains that there is no reason for the Greeks to build a burning mirror because people would like to choose flaming arrows to shoot the enemy ships. Nonetheless, the lecturer challenges this argument by strongly arguing that Roman soldiers were familiar with the common weapon, flaming arrows, and figured out how to protect their boats from burning by flaming arrows. Hence, compared with flaming arrows, it is more effective to use a burning mirror.

作者: 北极的企鹅123 时间: 2013-10-7 16:36
楼主加油，常吃护眼的食物吧

作者: ChristinaJuris 时间: 2013-10-14 17:54

10月13日独立写作When you are assigned an important presentation for work or school, you prefer to work on it right away so that you can work on it a little bit every day, or wait until you have a good idea about the presentation?

Who will I be speaking to? What do they know about my topic already? How can I further my point? What do I want them to know at the end of my talk? All these questions are related to the most essential part of the presentation-- the fabulous key idea. "The point of the most great importance is not where you are, but the direction you choose to move." Said by Winston Churchill, the former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, and inspired me. No matter how hard you tried and how long you have prepared, the miss of the very excellent idea of your presentation might be the Achilles' Heel, if you hastily started working on your talk or report on the wrong direction when you did not already set up a wonderful central key point of your assignment. Therefore, I prefer to to work on the presentation until I have a good idea about it when I am assigned an important presentation for work or school.

Of course, with a good idea, a clear direction, and certain plans, we will straightly get what we want. Barack Hussein Obama, for instance, can not obtain so amazing achievements without the writers of his presentation writing team. These writers chat with Obama for hours about what he wants to say. They listen to recordings of past presidential addresses, seek advice from advisers and help Obama to catch the charming key idea and direction of his presentation and to be the outstanding speechmaker. Hence, we can definitely see the great importance of the very good idea.

Admittedly, working on the assignment right away seems have more preparation time for the task and consequently going to do a better job than those who start their assignment relatively late. Yet this assumption is not true. Because people who undertake the case immediately on the wrong or deviated direction might fail to reach the summit for the inappropriate key idea, while people who take the key idea into deep consideration and done his/her work with high efficiency is possibly a perfect presentation speaker. According to the vigorously and fast speed of my working pace, I prefer to to work on the presentation until I have a good idea about it when I am assigned an important presentation for work or school.

作者: 天空的颜色 时间: 2013-10-14 22:29
我用word改的
复制过来之后自己标的花花绿绿的东西没有了
就传个附件
哈哈

作者: ChristinaJuris 时间: 2013-10-14 22:38

天空的颜色发表于 2013-10-14 22:29
我用word改的
复制过来之后自己标的花花绿绿的东西没有了
就传个附件

谢谢亲的细致批改！我改的亲的作文，在上传后又补了几句话，不知道亲看到没。

作者: ChristinaJuris 时间: 2013-10-14 22:54
为了浏览方便，把10.13日独立作文中最重要的批改点贴上来，方便我日日背诵、铭记。

1.第一段的倒数第二句这么改更简洁！
—— If you hastily started working on your talk or report without setting up a wonderful key point or direction towards your assignment.

2. cannot 分开写成两个词是错的！！！
我居然错了这么多年！！！

作者: ChristinaJuris 时间: 2013-10-15 17:53
10月14日独立写作Do you agree or disagree with the statement that young people nowadays do not respect their teachers as much as they did in the past.

What is respect? “To admire someone, especially because of their personal qualities, contribution, knowledge, or skills; to give them polite greetings and regard them as important. That is to have respected.” According to the definition of “respect”, which given by Ralph Waldo Emerson, I do NOT agree with the statement that young people nowadays do not respect their teachers as much as they did in the past. Although today’s ways of showing respect to the teacher differ in expression from the old styles, it does not mean that young people nowadays do not treat teachers with great honor and respect as much as they do in the past.

Beyond all doubt, almost every government attaches such great attention, which is unprecedented in the history of the human being, to the education and instructors in recent years. As a consequence, young people put much emphasis on learning and admiring their teachers. Actually, young people show respect to their teachers in numerous ways. Such as sending best wish massages to their favourite lecturers on each festival, making amazing cards for instructors on the annual Teacher’s Day, holding a ceremonial dinner honoring their teachers after they obtain the chance to further their study, visiting homes of teachers and sharing their ideas toward life and study, etc.

In addition, respecting and honoring teachers has been part of human virtues since ancient times. Chinese young people, for instance, keep this tradition of honoring teacher alive well. Common it is, that students, especially pupils, are quite polite to teachers wherever and whenever they meet. More over, statistics indicate that fifty percent of undergraduate students and ninety percent of postgraduate students believe that they are most influenced by positive thoughts of their professor and lectures, and they are really grateful for it. Answers of TOEFL speaking section, as evidence, shows that a great deal of TOEFL takers consider their teacher to be the one who influence them most when they are answering the question that describe a person that who influenced you most, and these takers regard their professors as essential one in their life. Hence, Chinese instructors, who play the role of great importance in the whole life of Chinese students, are still honored by the young people.

At last, I would like to emphasize that young people nowadays still treat teachers with great honor and respect as much as they did in the past. Of course, there is a apparently difference lies in the ways of showing respect between the old day and today, yet it does not change the deep affection between teachers and young people.

作者: yagiliang 时间: 2013-10-15 22:46
不好意思，改晚了

作者: ChristinaJuris 时间: 2013-11-10 17:56
11.09 独立写作

The practice of parents giving their child money for good grade on the report card is something that has been debated a lot in the last decade. Nevertheless, it isn't a new concept for parents to use this tactic to encourage their child. Most people take a stance against giving a kid money for high marks because the message it sends is feared. Some parents are worry about giving money for good grades will be viewed as a horrible way which definitely arise the sense of “Money is the final destination”, and they believe that a child should aim to make good grades regardless of the rewards.

Some arguments against giving children money as a reward for high marks, as far as I am concerned, do not make sense. “Money reward is going to turn children into benthamites”, for example, is not a strong argument because whether money is a good issue depends on how you understand and use it. Say, child who holds a proper attitude towards money never going to be a benthamite no matter how much money he/she awarded from his/her parents for good grades. Besides, an other argument that paying children money awards will make children cheat in examinations is also wrong. Kids cheat in the tests is because of bad cognition and personalities, not because of money awards.

From where I stand, some children need the motivation of a money reward to get them to try harder, and it is the best time for parents to help their children understand money and manage basic money matters when kids shows so strong interests in money awards.

First, it isn't a lack of intelligence the reason that a child doesn't do well in school. Usually, it's the result of them not being motivated. In some situations, it is attention-seeking behavior because the child is aware that bad grades will get them a lot of attention, both positive and negative. Whatever the case with your child, why not offer some monetary encouragement for good grades? In a perfect world, everyone would work hard regardless of the outcome. But this isn't a perfect world. Isn't it a good idea to show kids if they work hard that it pays off？

Moreover, the big point is how to help kids understand money and manage basic money matters after they got money awards for high marks. A mother, whose son is a seven-year old primary school student, maintains that she was taught her son to manage money well by paying him money awards. Every time her son received money awards, she start to educate her son how to make a financial plan, how to save money in banks, and how enjoy public welfare activities by using money. That is quite beneficial for both mom and the kid.

To conclude, whether money awards is a beneficial tactic depends on how parents use it. And do remember that whatever is decided to be the best motivation for the kid to earn good grades, just don't confuse the child.

作者: psychoarya 时间: 2013-11-10 21:27
改得不好，多多包涵！！

作者: ChristinaJuris 时间: 2013-12-3 17:35
感谢大神的批改！
内流满面！

作者: 超级无敌小鹤鹤 时间: 2013-12-4 11:38

ChristinaJuris 发表于 2013-12-3 17:35
感谢大神的批改！
内流满面！

逻辑问题很多
希望你能好好分析下我给你提出的问题，这个在考试的时候是致命的！
[attach]134685[/attach]

作者: ChristinaJuris 时间: 2013-12-4 11:51

ChristinaJuris 发表于 2013-12-3 17:35
感谢大神的批改！
内流满面！

鹤神改得好认真好细致啊~
太感人了~

我真是运气太好了~！

作者: 超级无敌小鹤鹤 时间: 2013-12-4 11:56

ChristinaJuris 发表于 2013-12-4 11:51
鹤神改得好认真好细致啊~
太感人了~
我真是运气太好了~！

哈哈过奖了
这篇文章错误其实挺严重的，以后要注意哈~~~

作者: ChristinaJuris 时间: 2013-12-4 12:05

超级无敌小鹤鹤发表于 2013-12-4 11:56
哈哈过奖了
这篇文章错误其实挺严重的，以后要注意哈~~~

恩，论述逻辑方面我会认真反思的！
P.S.
1. 综合写作good，独立写作逻辑合理、用语简单无文采、语法错误较少的450字左右的文，可以上27吗？
2. 我想八卦一下。。。鹤神最近一次考的T肿么样，满分了吗？

作者: 超级无敌小鹤鹤 时间: 2013-12-4 13:00

ChristinaJuris 发表于 2013-12-4 12:05
恩，论述逻辑方面我会认真反思的！
P.S.
1. 综合写作good，独立写作逻辑合理、用语简单无文采、语法错误 ...

2 可以不回答吗？哈哈
1 的话，首先good≠满分，所以即使综合good，也有可能综合的15分里面已经扣掉了3分。。。[good是指综合15分拿到12~15分]；其实，如果综合算满分，独立部分很难评估，但是27是可以的，因为托福重要的还是逻辑和文章的整体感觉，用词的话，别太低级，比如全是简单句什么的，应该还是可能27的

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