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标题: LaneeSherry 的作文贴，新人求指导非常感谢！ [打印本页]

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-4 21:30
标题: LaneeSherry 的作文贴，新人求指导非常感谢！
第一次在这里正式发贴子好紧张。。。
这里对写作文实在是没什么经验，还请各位前辈指点

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-4 21:31
2013.08.04 Independent writing
有人一边学习一边玩手机、上网、听歌，你赞同么?

With the rapid development of science and the wide spread of Smartphone, it has become fashionable for students to study while listening to music, playing mobile games or surfing the internet with their phones. However, I think it's a bad habit.

The people who don't aware of the problem may arguing that playing their mobile phones can give them a relaxation during the stressful study, which could ease their mind and lead to a more efficient work.

On the surface of it, their argument sounds persuasive, but on second thoughts, it cannot hold water.

Surfing the internet and playing mobile games while studying are not good ways to relax but good ways to kill time. They are the easiest things for students to be addicted to. Once beginning to surfing the internet or playing mobile games, it's hard for them to stop. "I took my iphone with me to the school's library, “one of my friends told me, “and I did nothing in the four hours but using up its battery." In that case, studying and doing other things such as playing the cell phones at the same time is just a waste of time and it reduce the efficiency.

Listening to music for a long time is bad for people's health. In order to not disturb others, most students listening to music with their earphones. This may cause serious damage to their ears. According to a research conducted by a group of scientists from Europe, about 65% of the hearing loss is the result of the people's habit of using earphones. Thus, although listening to music may of some help in improving the efficiency of study, the disadvantages of it far outweigh its advantages.

Having weighing the above pros and cons of studying while doing other things such as playing mobile games, we can safety draw a conclusion that it's not a good habit. It's time for us to aware of it and break with it.

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-5 22:22
今天的例子实在是太难过了稍微超过了一些交作业的时间。。。

0805
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
为了经济发展，我们可以忽略环境问题
（不限时，326字）

People cannot live without a clean environment like fish cannot live without clean water. Never can we part the environmental protection from economic development. Otherwise, as the saying goes, we might "put the cart before the horse".

Environmental problems could block up a country's economic growth. The incidences of many unusual diseases are increasing because of the environmental pollution. According to a survey conducted by a group of scientists from Europe, the incidence of cancer in big cities are about 76% higher than the incidence in small towns where pollution is much less serious. This might increase a country's medical costs, and consequently, lending to a decrease in economic development.

Sloughing over the environmental protection while developing the economy may even destroy a nation's economy. All the economic activities, especially agricultural activities, are bound up with the environment, which means that the attention paid on the economy greatly affected a country's economic growth. The decline of a village beside the Yellow River in China is a typical case. Last century, in order to develop agricultural, people cut off nearly all the trees surrounding the village to grow crops, which brought sandstorm to them, causing a considerable reduction in production the next year and finally, damaging their economy. This lesson paid for with blood tells people that environment is one of the most impotent factors in economic development and must be considered during the economic activities.

Only when we combine environmental protection and economic development can we have a steadily rise on economy. "Haste makes waste."It make no sense to ignore the environmental problems and pollute the environment while developing the economy, and then taking more than tenth of the price on environment treatment after that.

Clearly, environment is significant to the economic development. Developing the economy with the cost of environment might of some execution in short term, but in long term, it is a foolish behavior that destroyed the whole forest for just one tree.

作者: zengyuruo 时间: 2013-8-5 23:17
亲，今天上来才看见，我给你改作文。这会儿晚了来不及，我明天抽时间给你改哈！

作者: lijinglol 时间: 2013-8-6 08:50
蓝色是建议修改，紫色是强烈建议修改

People cannot live without a clean environment like fish cannot live without clean water.(A clean environment is to human beings are as clean water is to fish.) Never can we part（isolate） the environmental protection from economic development. Otherwise, as the saying goes, we might "put the cart before the horse".

Environmental problems could block up a country's economic growth. The incidences of many unusual diseases are increasing because of the environmental pollution. According to a survey conducted by a group of scientists from Europe, the incidence of cancer in big cities are about 76% higher than the incidence(that) in small towns where pollution is much less serious. This might increase a country's medical costs, and consequently, lending(leading) to a decrease in economic development.
(这段略短……我觉得可以加上比如你在城里的姑妈得哪种病了，到郊区疗养慢慢好转之类的例子，还有incidence这个词有的有点太多了……试试用possibility之类的做做替换)

Sloughing over(楼主确定可以这么用么？) the environmental protection while developing（主句主语是一个动名词短语，这里不能省略逻辑主语） the economy may even destroy a nation's economy. All the economic activities, especially agricultural activities, are bound up with the environment, which means that the attention paid on the economy（这里你是想说environment么？） greatly affected a country's economic growth. The decline（decline是动词呀……想表达衰败么？可以试试degeneration） of a village beside the Yellow River in China is a typical case. Last century, in order to develop agricultura（agriculture）, people cut off nearly all the trees surrounding the village to grow crops, which brought sandstorm to them,（incurring a sandstorm and /其实我这里建议整句都只使用定语从句形式，因为后面的三个后果逻辑主语都是前面整件事） causing a considerable reduction in production the next year and finally, damaging their economy. This lesson paid for with blood tells people that environment is one of the most impotent factors in economic development and must be considered during the economic activities.

Only when we combine environmental protection and economic development can we have a steadily rise on economy. "Haste makes waste."It make no sense to ignore the environmental problems and pollute the environment while developing the economy, and then taking more than tenth（ten times ） of the price on environment treatment after that.

Clearly, environment is significant to the economic development. Developing the economy with(at) the cost of environment might of some execution in short term, but in long term, it is a foolish behavior that destroyed（would/will destroy） the whole forest for just one tree.（……）

我建议楼主平时多多朗读背诵英文书籍/文章/新概念，背单词时候多注意看例句，多做（有答案的）中译英，增强英文表达能力。因为现在文章中有许多chinglish的感觉，感觉很多词都是现查字典一样，并不清楚用法

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-6 19:58

lijinglol 发表于 2013-8-6 08:50
蓝色是建议修改，紫色是强烈建议修改

People cannot live without a clean environment like fish cannot ...

谢谢批改和建议！
有好长一段时间没有写过这么长的英文作文所以现在有些生疏了。我会认真修改的。

0805的作文修改：

A clean environment is to human beings are as clean water is to fish.Never can we isolate the environmental protection from economic development. Otherwise, as the saying goes, we might "put the cart before the horse".

Environmental problems could block up a country's economic growth. The incidences of many unusual diseases are increasing because of the environmental pollution. According to a survey conducted by a group of scientists from Europe, the incidence of cancer in big cities are about 76% higher than that in small towns where pollution is much less serious. This might increase a country's medical costs, and consequently, leading to a decrease in economic development.

People sloughing over the environmental protection while developing the economy may even destroy a nation's economy. All the economic activities, especially agricultural activities, are bound up with the environment, which means that the attention paid on the environment greatly affected a country's economic growth. The degeneration of a village beside the Yellow River in China is a typical case. Last century, in order to develop agriculture, people cut off nearly all the trees surrounding the village to grow crops, incurring a sandstorm and causing a considerable reduction in production the next year and finally, damaging their economy. This lesson paid for with blood tells people that environment is one of the most impotent factors in economic development and must be considered during the economic activities.

Only when we combine environmental protection and economic development can we have a steadily rise on economy. "Haste makes waste."It make no sense to ignore the environmental problems and pollute the environment while developing the economy, and then taking more than ten times of the price on environment treatment after that.

Clearly, environment is significant to the economic development. Developing the economy at the cost of environment might of some execution in short term, but in long term, it is a foolish behavior that would destroy the whole forest for just one tree.

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-6 21:40

0806 Integrated Writing：
TPO26
(193字，超时三分钟)

The passage warned us that zebra mussel, a freshwater fish, must be vigilant as its appearance in North America might cause serious problems on ecosystem. However, in the lecture, the professor had different ideas.

First and foremost, the passage claimed that the widespread of the zebra mussel is difficult to control according to what happened in the past. But the professor in the lecture said that the reason why people cannot stop it is that they didn't have enough knowledge about this species.

Secondly, the passage pointed out that the zebra mussel can get used to the new environment quickly, which means their population could increase once they are put into a new place. However, the professor arguing that their natural enemy would soon appear too, and the population would be controlled.

Thirdly, the passage said that the increase of the zebra mussel’s population was a threaten to the local fish because they captured their food. But the professor retorted that it just reduced some kind of fish living in the same water-course with the zebra mussels, and the other fish won't be affected. Thus, the fish's population would not change in total.

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-6 21:41
0806 independent writing
Which way do you think is the best for a student to make new friends.
a. joing a sports team, b. participate in community activities, c. traveling
(不限时，305字)

"All splendors in the world" As the saying goes,” is not worth a good friend." Then, what’s the best way to make friends for students? Some people may think joining a sports team and travelling are good choices. However, when it comes to me, participating in community activities is always the best.

There is no denying that playing sports with teammates is a way to forge and enhance friendship quickly, but the way is not suitable for the students who don't like sports. Thus, students can only make friends with those who love sports though that way. One of my classmates Jake is a typical case. All of his friends are sports lovers and they talk about sports all day, which is considerably tedious.

Travelling seems better than sports as students can meet different people during their journey. Nevertheless, students may come across evildoers before they meet their new friends. As it reported on the Newspaper last week, a girl named Su was almost killed by a robber when she was walking on a road near a forest alone in her tour. Although there are policemen to protect us, it doesn't mean that all places in the country are safe.

Then what about participating in community activities? Of course is the best choice because it is not as dangerous as travelling and unlike joining a sports team. Students can meet different people with different hobbies. I have participated in many community activities such as taking care of an old man and cleaning the streets. I have made plenty of friends while I was enjoying the time helping others. It's the most valuable treasure I owned.

Weighing the pros and cons of the above three ways, we now can safety draw a conclusion that participating in community activities is undoubtedly the best way to make friends.

作者: 懒蜗窝 时间: 2013-8-7 08:00
"All splendors in the world" As the saying goes,” is not worth a good friend." (个人觉得把As the saying goes放在句首比较好，因为这个saying不长，而且放在中间有种被打断的感觉，ps:就算放在中间也应该是as吧？）Then, what’s the best way to make friends for students? Some people may think joining a sports team and travelling （traveling哦~）are good choices. （楼主的作文长度其实不长，这可以简要加一些原因)citing the reason that ....)However, when it comes to me, participating in community activities is always the best.
There is no denying that playing sports with teammates is a way to forge and enhance friendship quickly, but the way is not suitable for the students who don't like sports. Thus, students can only make friends with those who love sports though that way. One of my classmates Jake is a typical case. All of his friends are sports lovers and they talk about sports all day, which is considerably tedious.
Travelling （traveling哦~）seems better than sports as students can meet different people during their journey. Nevertheless, students may come across evildoers before they meet their new friends. As it reported on the Newspaper last week, a girl named Su was almost killed by a robber when she was walking on a road near a forest alone in her tour. Although there are policemen to protect us, it doesn't mean that all places in the country are safe.（2,3段可以分别总结一下相对比community 的优点~）
Then what about participating in community activities? Of course (It) is the best choice because it is not as dangerous as travelling （traveling哦~）and unlike joining a sports team. Students can meet different people with different hobbies. (Unlike 和students can..应该在同一句吧）I have participated in many community activities such as taking care of an old man and cleaning the streets. I have made plenty of friends while I was enjoying the time helping others. It's the most valuable treasure I owned.
Weighing the pros and cons of the above three ways, （最后一段有点短，把这句变为一些同义转述，简要说出他们的有点缺点都是什么）we now can safety draw a conclusion that participating in community activities is undoubtedly the best way to make friends.
全文虽然没发现大的语法语义错误，但稍稍有些平淡，可以加一些强调句，倒装，等等~加油！批改的要是不好请见谅~

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-7 20:19

懒蜗窝发表于 2013-8-7 08:00
"All splendors in the world" As the saying goes,” is not worth a good friend." (个人觉得把As the sa ...

谢谢批改！我会认真修改的=v=

0806作文修改：(322字)

As a famous saying goes:"All splendors in the world is not worth a good friend." Then, what’s the best way to make friends for students? Some people may think joining a sports team and traveling are good choices. However, when it comes to me, participating in community activities is always the best.

There is no denying that playing sports with teammates is a way to forge and enhance friendship quickly, but the way is not suitable for the students who don't like sports. Thus, students can only make friends with those who love sports though that way. One of my classmates Jake is a typical case. All of his friends are sports lovers and they talk about sports all day, which is considerably tedious to the students dialiked sports, and as a result, limited his friends circle.

Traveling seems better than sports as students can meet different people during their journey. Nevertheless, students may come across evildoers before they meet their new friends. As it reported on the Newspaper last week, a girl named Su was almost killed by a robber when she was walking on a road near a forest alone in her tour. Although there are policemen to protect us, it doesn't mean that all places in the country are safe.

Then what about participating in community activities? Of course (It) is the best choice because it is not as dangerous as traveling and unlike joining a sports team, students can meet different people with different hobbies. I have participated in many community activities such as taking care of an old man and cleaning the streets. I have made plenty of friends while I was enjoying the time helping others. It's the most valuable treasure I owned.

To sum up, Weighing the pros and cons of the above three ways, we now can safety draw a conclusion that participating in community activities is undoubtedly the best way to make friends.

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-8 00:07
7 Aug
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Nowadays it is easier to maintain good health than in the past.
(不限时， 319字)

With the rapid development of science and technology, people now live better lives than ever before. Thus, it's much easier for people to keep health then in the past. The reason is obviously.

First and foremost, the living environment is improved. Nowadays, most people are living in the buildings or villa, which is much tidier and cleaner than the thatched cottage in the past. Mice and other animals that usually carry deadly bacteria such as plague are difficult to be seen in people's home than before, which reduce the risk of getting sick.

In addition, the knowledge of building a strong body is popular today. Plenty of people dead in the past because they did not have enough knowledge about the bacteria and the virus and the reason why people get sick. According a survey conducted by scientists, about 80% of the sicknesses in the past are connected with the bad habits such as not washing hands before having meals and throwing litters everywhere. As this general knowledge is well-known now, it's far difficult for the bacteria and virus to attack people's body.

Last but not the least, medical conditions are much better than before. The number of hospitals is increasing and family doctor is not an unfamiliar word to people living in the modern society. That means people need not walk for a long time to see doctors like they did in the past. As a recent research conducted by a group of professor from a University said, the rate of human's death is the lowest in the human's history, and that the improvement in medical condition contributed much more to the reduction of the rate.

To sum up, thanks to the giant development of medical science and technology as well as the widespread of the knowledge to keep health, we now can safety draw a conclusion that people are easier to maintain a healthy body than before.

作者: 懒蜗窝 时间: 2013-8-8 08:41
With the rapid development of science and technology, people now live better lives than ever before. Thus, it's much easier for people to keep health then (than) in the past. The reason is obviously.(adj,obvious)First and foremost, the living environment is improved. Nowadays, most people are living in the buildings or villa,(building 和 villa 最好单复一直，前面有the 后面单数就可以）which is much tidier and cleaner than the thatched cottage in the past. Mice and other animals that usually carry deadly bacteria such as plague are difficult to be seen in people's home than before, which reduce the risk of getting sick.（楼主两个句子都是which的非限制性定语从句，觉得可以小改一下吧~比如第一个，most people are living in much tidier and cleaner conditions like buildings or villa instead of the thatched cottage in the past.)In addition, the knowledge of building a strong body is popular today. (这句话我不太懂，知识很受欢迎？）Plenty of people dead in the past because they did not have enough knowledge about the bacteria and the virus and the reason why people get sick. According a survey conducted by scientists, about 80% of the sicknesses in the past are connected with the bad habits such as not washing hands before having meals and throwing litters everywhere. As this general knowledge is well-known （widely spread 是不是比著名好呢？）now, it's far difficult for the bacteria and virus to attack people's body.Last but not the least, medical conditions are much better than before. The number of hospitals is increasing and （the）family doctor is not an unfamiliar word to people living in the modern society. That means people need not walk for a long time to see doctors like （like是介词，不能加句子，改为as )they did in the past. As a recent research conducted by a group of professor from a University said, the rate of human's death is the lowest in the human's history, and that the improvement in medical condition contributed much more to the reduction of the rate. (and 并列，and 后有that 而前没有呀）To sum up, thanks to the giant development of medical science and technology as well as the widespread of the knowledge to keep health, we now can safety draw a conclusion that people are easier to maintain a healthy body than before.

很荣幸又改楼主的文章可是我的有点有限呀。昨天去了TPO小站，那有老师免费给改，楼主可以试一下多方面提高嘛~加油加油！！

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-8 21:52

懒蜗窝发表于 2013-8-8 08:41
With the rapid development of science and technology, people now live better lives than ever before. ...

O.O!
谢谢建议！我去那边看下
话说如果直接把好几天的作文拿过去应该没关系……吧？

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-8 22:03
0807作文修改稿：

With the rapid development of science and technology, people now live better lives than ever before. Thus, it's much easier for people to keep health then (than) in the past. The reason is obvious。

First and foremost, the living environment is improved. Nowadays, most people are living in much tidier and cleaner conditions like buildings or villa instead of the thatched cottage in the past.Mice and other animals that usually carry deadly bacteria such as plague are difficult to be seen in people's home than before, which reduce the risk of getting sick.

In addition, the knowledge of building a strong body is popular today. Plenty of people dead in the past because they did not have enough knowledge about the bacteria and the virus and the reason why people get sick. According a survey conducted by scientists, about 80% of the sicknesses in the past are connected with the bad habits such as not washing hands before having meals and throwing litters everywhere. As this general knowledge is widely spread. now, it's far difficult for the bacteria and virus to attack people's body.

Last but not the least, medical conditions are much better than before. The number of hospitals is increasing and family doctor is not an unfamiliar word to people living in the modern society. That means people need not walk for a long time to see doctors as they did in the past. As a recent research conducted by a group of professor from a University said, the rate of human's death is the lowest in the human's history, and that the improvement in medical condition contributed much more to the reduction of the rate.

To sum up, thanks to the giant development of medical science and technology as well as the widespread of the knowledge to keep health, we now can safety draw a conclusion that people are easier to maintain a healthy body than before.

作者: jacki1 时间: 2013-8-8 22:37
0806 Integrated Writing：
TPO26
(193字，超时三分钟)

The passage warned us that zebra mussel, a freshwater fish, must be vigilant as its appearance in North America might cause serious problems （什么问题，要具体 fish population）on ecosystem. However, in the lecture, the professor had different ideas.(个人感觉第一段没有达到预想的效果)

First and foremost, the passage claimed that the widespread of the zebra mussel is difficult to control according to what happened in the past. But the professor in the lecture said that the reason why people cannot stop it is that they didn't have enough knowledge about this species.（如果能多些内容就更好，比如ballast water saltywater 那个例子说一下，因为reading部分讲这块文字特多，所以要有侧重；）

Secondly, the passage pointed out that the zebra mussel can get used to the new environment quickly, which means their population could increase once they are put into a new place. However, the professor arguing that their natural enemy would soon appear too, and the population would be controlled.（时态用一般现在时就行吧）

Thirdly, the passage said that the increase of the zebra mussel’s population was a threaten（threat） to the local fish because they captured their food. But the professor retorted that it just reduced some kind of fish living in the same water-course with the zebra mussels, and the other fish won't be affected. Thus, the fish's population would not change in total.

最后一段我黏贴一下范文：Finally, zebra mussels would not cause the decline of overall fish population. While zebra mussels would most likely cause the decline of plankton eaters, as the passage suggests, they would also provide nutrients for bottom-feeding fish and eventually cause the population of those fish to increase.（观点内容很具体）

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-8 23:30

jacki1 发表于 2013-8-8 22:37
0806 Integrated Writing：
TPO26
(193字，超时三分钟)

非常感谢=v=
我会认真修改的！

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-9 00:21
0808综合 TPO02

In the passage, working in group has many advantages for not only the whole group but also the team members. However, in the lecture, the professor has a different idea and using two examples to opposite it.

Firstly, the passage claim that working in groups can be more efficient because people in the team have different kinds of knowledge to do the things that are difficult for individual and they can discuss before leap, which decrease the rate of walking a wrong way. But the professor said that the efficiency could be decreased according to an experiment, for it could be more difficult for all the people to get an idea together and it is not easy for them to change the direction once they were wrong.

Secondly, the passage said that all the team members could benefit as they can find the suitable work for themselves and have better chance to contribute to the team. Nevertheless, the professor argue that in fact, the result of the experiment showed that the one doing the best is not always get the reward s/he owned and all the team members could be to blame when they get wrong, which means no one would be punished.

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-9 02:54
终于。。。写完了。。。
这次的作文不是一般地差，那位帮忙改作文的同学真的是非常抱歉。。。

8 Aug「Today」
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
人们不像以前那样尊重长辈了
（不限时，316字）

With the rapid development of science and technology, people nowadays have a faster and faster live pace. Some people may think that in today's busy and materialistic society, people are less respected the elder than before. However, this is totally wrong.

The meaning of respecting the elder is changed as people entered a new era of information. In the past, people must obey the elder's orders in their family and people's any querying behaviour to them is unrespectable. It's not an unfamiliar phenomenon that children are punished for their contradictions to their grandfather in old time. Nevertheless, as people's average education level increased, people can talk with the elder equally and they can put forward their own ideas. That doesn't means unrespectable to the elder but the development of the society.

The development society gives more chance for people to respect the elder. People could give better material conditions to the elder. There is no denying that young people are busy for their work and hardly go home to visit their parents and grandparents. But it doesn't means that they do not love them or do not respect them. On the contrary, it is a kind of way to show their love and respect. My uncle is a typical case. He worked hard all day and only went home twice a year. He lived a very ascetic live because he gave most of the money he earned to his parents so that they could buy many things to enjoy a better material condition and a better life. This case is not rare. In fact, lots of people today are showing their respect to the elder in that way.

To sum up, as the society has changed and the things people could give to the elder is much more than before, we can safety draw a conclusion that people are not less respected the elder than before

作者: 懒蜗窝 时间: 2013-8-9 13:29

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-9 02:54
终于。。。写完了。。。
这次的作文不是一般地差，那位帮忙改作文的同学真的是非常抱歉。。。

我还没写呢我先帮你改加油！这两天状态好不好呀

作者: jacki1 时间: 2013-8-9 19:43
我看到阅读后很纳闷怎么就2段，然后听力貌似讲了三个方面，所以手足无措不知道怎么写了。不清楚到底该分几个部分。建议：综合就写成三点，因为考官一般按三点给分，写了2点只能得三分之二的分数了。
0808综合 TPO02

In the passage, working in group has many advantages for not only the whole group but also the team members. However, in the lecture, the professor has a different idea and using two examples to opposite it.

Firstly, the passage claim that working in groups can be more efficient because people in the team have different kinds of knowledge to do the things that are difficult for individual and they can discuss before leap, which decrease the rate of walking a wrong way. But the professor said that the efficiency could be decreased according to an experiment, for it could be more difficult for all the people to get an idea together and it is not easy for them to change the direction once they were wrong.

Secondly, the passage said that all the team members could benefit as they can find the suitable work for themselves and have better chance to contribute to the team. Nevertheless, the professor argue that in fact, the result of the experiment showed that the one doing the best is not always get the reward s/he owned and all the team members could be to blame when they get wrong, which means no one would be punished.（基本是根据自己理解写的，但是表述有些简单）
听听力的时候注意关键词，比如本文的on virtually every team, Another finding was, on the other hand,这些key word会引出观点，观点也是在作文中写在句首的。

附上范文

Thelecturer talks about research conducted by a firm that used the group system tohandle their work. He says that the theory stated in the passage was verydifferent and somewhat inaccurate when compared to what happened in reality.

First,some members got free rides. That is, some didn’t work hard but got recognitionfor the success nontheless. This also indicates that people who worked hardwere not given recognition they should have gotten. In other words, theyweren’t given the opportunity to “shine”. This directly contradicts what thepassage indicates.

Second,groups were slow in progress. The passage says that groups are more responsivethan individuals because of the number of people involved and their aggregated resources.However, the speaker talks about how the firm found out that groups were slowerthan individuals in decision making. Groups needed more time for meetings,which are necessary procedures in decision making. This was another place whereexperience contradicted theory.

Third,influential people might emerge and lead the group towards glory or failure. Ifthe influent people are going in the right direction there would be no problem.But in cases where they go in the wrong direction, there is nobody that hasenough influence to counter the decision made. In other words, the group mightturn into a dictatorship, with the influential party as the leader, and mightbecome less flexible in its thinking. They might become one-sided, and thus failto succeed.

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-9 22:12

jacki1 发表于 2013-8-9 19:43
我看到阅读后很纳闷怎么就2段，然后听力貌似讲了三个方面，所以手足无措不知道怎么写了。不清楚到底该分几 ...

我还以为所有在文中和听力里出现的词都最好尽量不要在文中出现，所以就在那里拼命地想其他的词去替代

之前写的时候也是在这里纠结了好久因为看来看去都只有两个观点。。。看来以后对文章中心的提炼还要加强

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-10 19:10
0809 综合
TPO 3

The passage pointed out three problems to illustrate that a painting was not painted by Rembrandt. However, in the lecture, the professor said that the painting was Rembrandt's work but someone had drawn something on the original painting.

To begin with, the dress of the woman on the painting. The passage said that the woman's dress was not suitable for her stage. But the professor argued that the clothes were not drawn by Rembrandt and the original dress covered by it was perfectly suitable.

In addition, the shadow and the light. The passage pointed out that the shadow in this painting especially the one on the woman's face didn't fit with the light. However, the professor said that it's because the people who redrew on the picture forgot to cover it, and in the original painting, the light and the shadow could fit together perfectly.

Last but not the least, the wood on which the painting painted. The lecture told us that it's made of several different piece of wood but Rembrandt never did it. Nevertheless, the professor argued that Rembrandt did paint on just one piece of wood and that the other woods were added by other people to enlarge the whole picture.

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-10 20:29
9 Aug
Independent Writing：
For successful development of a country, should a government focus its budget more on very young children education rather than on universities?
（不限时，372字）

With the rapid development of science and technology, more and more people began to aware the importance of education, for it's the basic stone to build a strong country. As old English saying goes, “a lazy young, a lousy age”,Education is considerably important for young children. And the government should pay more attention on it. The reason is obviously.

The best time for a people to study is when they were young. It's true that never too old to learn, but young children usually more capable on learning than the adults. According to a research conducted by a group scientist from Europe, the time an adult spent on learning a new thing is about 30% more than the young children. It could be a waste if people did not make used of the best time in their lives. Thus, more budgets should be spent on the young children to build a better study condition.

The education on people when they were young could have a great influence in their whole life. Edison, the famous inventor in the world, is a typical case in that point. Born in a poor family, he could go to school as many young children. It's his mother that taught him a lot of interesting knowledge and told him never give up, which gave him great courage during the time he inventing the lamp and finally, he successed. Were his mother not teach him many useful things when he was a young child, he would be never so successful. Edison's experience is not the only case. The government should never ignore the important role the young children education paid in a person's whole life.

What's more, the education for young children is basic to children's higher education. It could be more difficult for children to catch up with their classmates if they were left out in the young age. In a recent research, scientists interviewed a group of university students whose academic performance is excellent. 90% of them owned the great performance to good education they took when they were very young. Therefore, education for young children is much more significant.

Clearly, young children education is very important and the government should focus more its budget on it.

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-10 20:50
TPO 3

The passage pointed out three problems to illustrate that a painting was not painted by Rembrandt. However, in the lecture, the professor said that the painting was Rembrandt's work but someone had drawn something on the original painting.

To begin with, the dress of the woman on the painting (句子好像不完整，口语里可以这么说，但是作文里好像不太常见这么写). The passage said that the woman's dress was not suitable for her stage（我觉得dress的点在衣帽风格或者说身份不协调，虽然我也不知道怎么准确地paraphrase ，我自己只换了词性）. But the professor argued that the clothes were not drawn by Rembrandt and the original dress covered by it （covered by it 是不是covering her更好呢？因为不是衣服被cover而是人被cover）was perfectly suitable.

In addition, the shadow and the light （同样的句子不完整，其实我不确定书面语里面能不能这么写）. The passage pointed out that the shadow in this painting especially the one on the woman's face didn't fit with the light. However, the professor said that it's because the people who redrew on the picture forgot to cover it （我觉得，不应该是forgot呢，如果要概括来说，就说是redraw的部分导致它不符就OK了；我觉得这里可以复述得细致一点，说一下为什么脸不应该partial shadow~）, and in the original painting, the light and the shadow could fit together perfectly.

Last but not the least, the wood on which the painting painted. The lecture（这里不应该用lecture，会造成误会吧，还是用passage吧） told us that it's made of several different piece of wood but Rembrandt never did it. Nevertheless, the professor argued that Rembrandt did paint on just one piece of wood and that the other woods were added by other people to enlarge the whole picture.

总的来说，点都抓到了~比我强~
一点点小建议是，要是添加更多的听力里解释的细节就好了~毕竟现在看来，文章基本上每段就是3~4句话，略微单薄

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-11 19:54

xiaxiaya 发表于 2013-8-10 20:50
TPO 3

The passage pointed out three problems to illustrate that a painting was not painted by Rembr ...

谢谢点评！
其实不是因为我没有加细节而是听的时候就没有把那些细节反驳的理由听出来

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-11 19:55
0810 独立
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
the most important characteristic of a good political or business leader is the ability to take responsibility for mistakes.
（本来是想限时的但是结果时间到了才写完第一个理由……于是就变成不限时了

，320字）

As we all known, no man is perfect. The man who does not make any mistake in the world is no existing. Thus, it is necessary for people to admit their mistakes and take responsibility for them. In my opinion, it's an especially important characteristic that a good leader of a company or the political of a country must have. The reason is obviously.

The lost of this ability would finally lead to a fall. Only those who dare to take responsibility for their mistakes could success. The experience of my uncle is a typical case in that point. As a leader of the department, my uncle is busy all day. One day, he made a wrong decision, which cause the company lost a large sum of money. After hearing that, he did not take the response but blamed it on another employee. Having known that, nearly everyone in his department lost trust on him, leading to sabotage in the department and consequently, the company was nearly collapsed. This case is not rare. The leader's loss of the ability to take responsibility is deadly to many companies.

The ability to take responsibility of a political or leader can gain people's respect, which is necessary for them to govern a country or a company. Johannes Rau, the president of Germany, apologized to the word for the mistakes German made in the war world two in 2009. This action of taking responsibility gained respect for Germany from the people all over the world as well as improved the relationship between Germany and other country. Taking responsibility for mistakes is one of the traditional virtues, and it is a considerably important character of a leader or a political.

To sum up, it is important for a leader or a political to take responsibility for their mistakes, because their action not only represented themselves, but also represented the whole company or the whole country.

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-12 09:38

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-11 19:55
0810 独立
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

Sorry楼主，昨天听抄做过头了，实在太累，自己赶完作文就倒下了~ 给你补上~
红的是待改进的，蓝的是好词好句，绿的是建议

As we all known, no man is perfect. The man who does not make any mistake in the world is no existing (be existing这种用法好像不太常用，楼主如果不想重复从句里的does not可以换一下There be 句型~). Thus, it is necessary for people to admit their mistakes and take responsibility for them. In my opinion, it's ( 这个指代不太明显，这里感觉换成题目中的那个ability to ...更好一点) an especially important characteristic that a good leader of a company or the political of a country ( politicians of a country' ） must have. The reason is obviously.

The lost of this ability would finally lead to a fall（failure？） . Only those who dare to take responsibility for their mistakes could success（要用only的时候，就强迫自己用一用only的倒装~） . The experience of my uncle is a typical case in that point. As a leader of the department, my uncle is busy all day. One day, he made a wrong decision, which cause the company lost a large sum of money. After hearing that, he did not take the response but blamed it on another employee. Having known that, nearly everyone in his department lost trust on him, leading to sabotage（词用得有些大，不过可能是因为我没理解楼主的意思） in the department and consequently, the company was nearly collapsed. This case is not rare . The leader's loss of the ability to take responsibility is deadly to many companies. （楼主举例子和分析感觉很连贯，也很切题）

The ability to take responsibility of a political or leader can gain people's respect, which is necessary for them to govern a country or a company. Johannes Rau, the president of Germany, apologized to the word for the mistakes German made in the war world two in 2009.（例子很简洁也很贴切, 稍微有一点不足的是，这个错误不是他本人犯下的，不过题目里好像也没说是不是自己犯的错误） This action of taking responsibility gained respect for Germany from the people all over the world as well as improved the relationship between Germany and other country（复数）. Taking responsibility for mistakes is one of the traditional virtues, and it is a considerably （好像不太用来修饰important，如果不想用very, the most可以用extremely, crucial）important character of a leader or a political.

To sum up, it is important for a leader or a political to take responsibility for their mistakes, because their action not only represented themselves, but also represented the whole company or the whole country.

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-12 17:22

xiaxiaya 发表于 2013-8-12 09:38
Sorry楼主，昨天听抄做过头了，实在太累，自己赶完作文就倒下了~ 给你补上~
红的是待改进的，蓝的是好词好 ...

谢谢批改和建议！我会认真修改的。
当时写的时候就愣住了因为一共就想到了两点理由
第二个例子虽然想到了但是人名不会拼所以后来问了一下百度

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-12 18:09
0810 作文修稿
蓝色是修正部分

As we all known, nothing is perfect. There is no person in the world that never make any mistake. Thus, it is necessary for people to admit their mistakes and take responsibility for them. In my opinion, The ability to taking responsibility for mistakes is an especially important characteristic that a good leader of a company or the politicians of a country' must have. The reason is obviously.

The lost of this ability would finally lead to failure（当时写的时候确实是忘了这个单词怎么拼） . Only those who dare to take responsibility for their mistakes could success（要用only的时候，就强迫自己用一用only的倒装~——谢谢建议！） . The experience of my uncle is a typical case in that point. As a leader of the department, my uncle is busy all day. One day, he made a wrong decision, which cause the company lost a large sum of money. After hearing that, he did not take the response but blamed it on another employee. Having known that, nearly everyone in his department lost trust on him, leading to sabotage（词用得有些大，不过可能是因为我没理解楼主的意思 ——因为想不到怠工的其他表达了囧……其实我也觉得这个词稍微有些奇怪用在这里。） in the department and consequently, the company was nearly collapsed. This case is not rare . The leader's loss of the ability to take responsibility is deadly to many companies.

The ability to take responsibility of a political or leader can gain people's respect, which is necessary for them to govern a country or a company. Johannes Rau, the president of Germany, apologized to the word for the mistakes German made in the war world two in 2009. This action of taking responsibility gained respect for Germany from the people all over the world as well as improved the relationship between Germany and other countries. Taking responsibility for mistakes is one of the traditional virtues, and it is an extremely important character of a leader or a political.

To sum up, it is important for a leader or a political to take responsibility for their mistakes, because their action not only represented themselves, but also represented the whole company or the whole country.

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-12 19:38
0811 综合写作 TPO5
（限时，205字）

The passage was about three theories that the "great houses" were used. But the professor in the lecture did not think that the theories are correct.

Firstly, some archaeologists in the passage thought that the houses were used for people to residential. However, the professor pointed out that although the houses looked like departments from the outside, the number of fire place in it is not enough for hundreds of families to use, which is conflicted with the theory.

In addition, the passage put out another theory that the structures were places to store food such as the grain maize, one of the main crops of the Chaco people. But the professor didn't agree with it, saying that there was much evidence to opposite it. For one thing, the condition in the houses is not suitable for people to store crops; for another, people did not find enough containers to store so much food in the buildings.

作者: Kate1992 时间: 2013-8-12 20:30
0811 综合写作 TPO5
（限时，205字）

The passage was about three theories that the "great houses" were used. But the professor in the lecture did[does] not think that the theories are correct.
【教授和阅读的观点都用一般现在时吧，否则从句的时态还要顾及】

Firstly, some archaeologists in the passage thought that the houses were used for people to residential[dwell at]. However, the professor pointed out that although the houses looked like departments from the outside, the number of fire place【s】 in it is not enough for hundreds of families to use, which is conflicted with the theory.

In addition, the passage put out another theory that the structures were places to store food such as the grain maize, one of the main crops of the Chaco people. 【我觉得你写的句子真的很简练呢！】But the professor didn't agree with it, saying that there was much evidence【evidence是可数的，were many evidences】 to opposite【oppose】 it. For one thing, the condition in the houses is not suitable for people to store crops; for another, people did not find enough containers to store so much food in the buildings.

Lastly, the theory that the great houses' function as ceremonial centers was also incorrect. Although many broken pots were found in the houses as the passage claimed, many other necessary materials for a ceremony is lacked, so professor thought that the place cannot be used for a ceremony.【这点找的不对，可以把文章再听一遍】
【黄色部分：lz很注意句式的变换呢，这点非常值得学习】
【谢谢lz对我的点评呢~~我看了无老师的那个作文，是不是每一观点写一点反驳就可以了，没有必要展开呢，觉得无老师那个写的也挺简单的】

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-13 18:21

Kate1992 发表于 2013-8-12 20:30
0811 综合写作 TPO5
（限时，205字）

谢谢点评！
之前写完之后去看范文的时候也是，发现第三点几乎是没有听出来。
关于句式的问题……其实我每次写综合都用的是那几个固定句式。在CD的某个贴子里有总结过综合写作的模板句式换词的，忘记贴子名字具体是什么了。我这些句子是之前在那之中挑了几个喜欢的表达背下来的。
综合写作我的观点是只要把点写出来，再稍微加一些支持性说理的细节就可以了。你可以看一下那个TPO的综合写作解析+范文，也是在CD的某个贴子里有资源。

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-13 19:50
迟交作业了真的是非常抱歉。。。。。。

0812
Independent Writing：
你同不同意that 學生參加學校的organization 和activities club is as important as their academic class.
Students get benefit from student organization or club activities 是不是as much as their academic studies.
（51分钟，361字）

"All study and no play makes Jack a dull boy." students' experiences of attending the organization and the activities club are of course as important as the academic class. The things they could learn in the activities might be much more useful than in the academic studies.

There is no denying that students can learn lots of basic knowledge in the classes at school such as mathematics and music. However, it's through the attendance of the organization and the activities that they apply the theory into practice and gain many other valuable things at the sometime.

Joining an organization or activities club can apply the knowledge students learned in the class into practice, which is can help students understanding more about the things they learned. One of my friends' experiences is a typical case in that point. Mary is a radio amateur so she joined in a radio lover club. She applied all the knowledge about radio she learned in the class and after class into practice in the club and now, she is almost an expert of radio. This case is not rare. The best way to learn a thing is to practice it and the organizations and clubs gave students the opportunity.

Being active in the organizations and activities clubs can enhance the friendship among the students. The organizations and clubs give students chances to communicate with each other, which is one of the best ways for students to find out the same hobbies with others and makes friends with others. Taking one of my experiences for example, I took part in my school's bicycle organization when I was a high school student, where I came across many bicycle lover there and made a lot of friends. After graduated, we still connected with others and traveling by bike together sometimes, which were one of the most wonderful experiences I owned. It could be an pity if a student never attend any organization or club, for he or she would miss many great moment in his or her live.

To sum up, attending the organization and activities club is very important because students can benefit a lot during that time.

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-14 18:47
0813
TPO7
(193字)

The passage doubted that the ecologically friendly companies could not be so success in the U.S. But in the lecture, the professor put out many evidence to opposite it.

First and foremost, the passage claimed that the consumers in America paid little attention on the ecocertification label as there are so much advertising. However, the professor said that the project was supported by many people and the advertising would be taken out independent.

In addition, the passage pointed out that the ecocertified wood would be more experience, and less people would buy it. Nevertheless, the professor did not agree with it, arguing that according to a research, this would happen only when a thing's price was much higher. As the ecocertified wood was not much more expensive, he thought that the customs could choose the environmentally friendly one.

Last but not the least, the point that the company could not gain much attention in the world was also incorrect. The professor said that it's the competition not the number of company that made sense. The appearance of this new kind of companies could surely soon draw much attention in the world and attract lots of foreign business.

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-15 04:36
这次的大作文实在是太晚了。。。

0813 independence writing
学校或工作presentation 你习惯一个月前就开始准备还是有idea之后晚一点儿才开始？
（1h10min 372字）

In today's competitive society, people are usually supposed to give an excellent presentation with both a good idea and a great performance in the school or at work. However, not everyone could manage to do so. When it comes to whether people should prepare a mouth before the presentation to get a presentation with a great performance but a fair idea or prepare later after an idea coming out to give a presentation with a fantastic idea but a bad performance, my choice is always the former.

The people who prefer to prepare later may argue that a good idea is more important, for it's a fantastic idea not an impressed performance that is the soul of a presentation. This argument seems reasonable on the surface, but on second thoughts, it cannot hold water.

It might take people a long time to think of a good idea, which reduced the practicing time and consequently, causing a failure on their presentation. My classmate Jack, who does nothing for a presentation before getting a good idea, is a typical case. One day, it was his turn to give a presentation about the buildings in the future. However, not until the midnight before the persentation did the idea comes up with him and he only have several hours to prepare for it. As a result, he performed awfully the next morning and no one understood the things he was talking about. "Hurry makes waste." It is better for us to begin preparing earlier.

Preparing early might lead to a perfect presentation. "Practice makes perfect", as a saying goes. An earlier preparation means more time to practice and leading to a perfect presentation finally. One day, it was my turn to give a presentation about the cars in the future in my class. Practicing for a mouth, I described my idea clearly in a short time, After that, we began to discuss some new ideas about the topic and consequently, lots of good ideas are put out and I got a perfect presentation. Thus, preparing early is very important.

To sum up, with so many advantages, we can safety draw a conclusion that preparing for a presentation a mouth before the deadline is a better choice.

作者: 懒蜗窝 时间: 2013-8-15 09:01
TPO7(193字)
The passage doubted that the ecologically friendly companies could not be so success in the U.S.(强调的不是公司而是certification这个事吧？觉得有点偏） But in the lecture, the professor put（pointed感觉好些 put out熄灭；伸出；出版；使不方便，打扰） out many（evidence 不可数 much) evidence to opposite(adj. 改为v. oppose) it.First and foremost, the passage claimed that the consumers in America paid little attention on the ecocertification label as there are so much advertising（不是因为太多广告，而是大多数普通广告也贴）. However, the professor said that the project was supported by many people and the advertising would be taken out independent.（缺乏细节）In addition, the passage pointed out that the ecocertified wood would be more experience,（粗心了哦！Expensive) and less people would buy it. Nevertheless, the professor did not agree with it, arguing that according to a research, this would happen only when a thing's price (有点中式的直译）was much higher. As the ecocertified wood was not much more expensive, he thought that the customs could choose the environmentally friendly one.Last but not the least, the point that the company could not gain much attention in the world was also incorrect. （好像没这个意思吧？）The professor said that it's the competition not the number of company that made sense. The appearance of this new kind of companies could surely soon draw much attention in the world and attract lots of foreign business.（这段感觉楼主自己的观点出来了，没听力细节）
总体来说，楼主应加强听力训练，然后多记笔记，尽量多写听力细节，不要夹杂自己的观点。可以先看看阅读，听听力的时候想着听力与阅读相反，明确态度就记细节，加油！！

作者: 懒蜗窝 时间: 2013-8-15 09:13

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-7 20:19
谢谢批改！我会认真修改的=v=

现在要出去一趟回来立刻帮楼主改独立

作者: 懒蜗窝 时间: 2013-8-15 14:43
In today's competitive society, people are usually supposed to give an excellent presentation with both a good idea and a great performance in the school or at work. However, not everyone could manage to do so. When it comes to whether people should prepare(for) a mouth（month） before （the time we make )the presentation to get a presentation with a great performance but a fair(adj. 公平的；美丽的，白皙的；[气象] 晴朗的) idea or prepare later after an idea coming out to give a presentation with a fantastic idea but a bad performance, my choice is always the former.(觉得有点不合逻辑，晚些准备并不一定有bad performance）The people who prefer to prepare later may argue that a good idea is more important, for it's a fantastic idea not an impressed performance that is the soul of a presentation. This argument seems reasonable on the surface, but on second thoughts, it cannot hold water.
It might take people a long time to think of a good idea, which reduced the practicing time and consequently, causing a failure on their presentation. My classmate Jack, who does nothing for a presentation before getting a good idea, is a typical case. One day, it was his turn to give a presentation about the buildings in the future. However, not until the midnight before the persentation （presentation）did the idea comes up with him and he only have（had） several hours to prepare for it. As a result, he performed awfully the next morning and no one understood the things he was talking（talked)about. "Hurry makes waste." It is better for us to begin preparing earlier.
Preparing early might lead to a perfect presentation. "Practice makes perfect", as a saying goes. An earlier preparation means more time to practice and leading to a perfect presentation finally. One day, it was my turn to give a presentation about the cars in the future in my class. Practicing for a mouth(month), I described my idea clearly in a short time, After that, we(前面I ) began to discuss some new ideas about the topic and consequently, lots of good ideas are put out and I got a perfect presentation. Thus, preparing early is very important.
To sum up, with so many advantages, we can safety （safely）draw a conclusion that preparing for a presentation a mouth （month，嘿嘿我特意查查mouth有没有别的意思）before the deadline is a better choice
.论据不太具有说服力，主题句不够清晰。觉得楼主这篇没以前帮楼主批过的写的好，继续加油~~

作者: lyslj001 时间: 2013-8-15 17:50
LZ 我来改你14号的作业啦！求作业~~ 也求批改

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-16 06:25

lyslj001 发表于 2013-8-15 17:50
LZ 我来改你14号的作业啦！求作业~~ 也求批改

不好意思交迟了，这是14号的作业：

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
The rules in societies today are too strict for young people.
(50~60分钟 305字)

In today's competitive society, the rules in societies today become more and more strict. Some people may complain that these rules are too strict for young people. However, in my opinion, the rules would never be too strict.

To begin with, the strict rules are a refraction of the reality that young people must be awarded of as soon as possible. Were the rules not so strict, young people could not adapted themselves to the fiery competitions in today's society quickly, which is deadly for their future. The young eagles must be thrown out of the nest by their parents with not full grown wings following the rule of them. The rule might seem strict to the young birds, but they could never learn to fly if they were not exposed to such a dangerous environment, which would lead to an ending of their lives. The sources in the world are limited and the world people lived in is full of competitions. It could be dangerous if young people were not asked to follow the strict rules.

In addition, strict rules mean a strict and ordered world. People may think that the rules are too strict to them when they were young, but after getting used of it, they would find that the rules contributed to a ordered world. Without the rule of competition equally, for example, the world would full of cheating and people would lose trust on others, consequently, leading to a bad world in which people's lives would be much more difficult than today. In that case, the rules that the young followed are not so strict, are they?

To sum up, with the rapid development of science and technology and the increasing requirement to people of today's society, the rules young people are supposed to follow could never be so strict.

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-16 07:40

懒蜗窝发表于 2013-8-15 09:01
TPO7(193字)
The passage doubted that the ecologically friendly companies could not be so success in ...

谢谢建议！之前在写作文之前做了一个小时的阅读练习，结果看文段的时候头晕晕的各种分心……

看来要多做这种长时间的大段文字练习才行

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-16 07:43

懒蜗窝发表于 2013-8-15 14:43
In today's competitive society, people are usually supposed to give an excellent presentation with b ...

嗯嗯！之前看到题目的时候就愣了因为根本想不到合适的例子，再加上这次想要计时试着在30分钟之内完成（虽然说最后还是没有成功），所以在列好提纲之前就匆匆动笔了，中途发现有不对的地方想改已经来不及了。
总的来说是一篇非常赶的作文，辛苦帮忙改作业的懒蜗窝同学了。

作者: lyslj001 时间: 2013-8-17 00:33
我也晚到了。明天尽快奉上我改的~ 抱歉喔LZ：）

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-17 04:43

0815 Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Young people today more likely to give time and effort improving the world than young people were at the past.
（41分钟， 333字，限时写作再次失败，不过这次的时间比之前短了一些继续加油！）

With the rapid development of science and technology, more and more people begin to realize the relationship between a better life and a greater world. Thus, young adults are supposed to give time and effort improving the world. Some people may think that the youth do not pay much attention on it. However, in my point of view, they are more likely to spent their time and effort on building a better world and a better life.

To begin with, the youth are more helpful in today's society. It's not an unusual phenomenon that the young adults offered their seats to the older. According to a recent research, the young adults who have the experiences offering their seats to the old people are about 30% more than the past. What's more, about 90% of the old people in the interview said that they had been helped by the young people in different ways such as taking a heavy bag and offering seats. "Takes always love and the world is a tomb." The data above shows that young people clearly know the motto and they are more likely to try their best to make a wonderful world.

In addition, more and more charities are founded than in the old days by young adults. Take the place I lived in for example, there are only one charities far from my home in this place ten years ago. But now, the number of the charities grew to 23 and one of them if just beside my house. Miss Wang, one of my neighbors, is a volunteer there. She is willing to work there even though she gets no money. This is not a rare case. In fact, many young adults today are glad to give their time and effort to found or work in charities in order to build a beautiful world like her.

In a nutshell, young people today are more warmhearted and willing to contribute their time and effort to build a better world.

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-17 05:18

lyslj001 发表于 2013-8-17 00:33
我也晚到了。明天尽快奉上我改的~ 抱歉喔LZ：）

没关系~
到时候还请不要大意地狠批。。。
同学你的作文写得非常棒有很多地方值得我去学习呢

作者: hemodata 时间: 2013-8-17 11:30

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-17 04:43
0815 Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Young people today ...

个人意见，lz参考就好=）

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-17 18:37

hemodata 发表于 2013-8-17 11:30
个人意见，lz参考就好=）

谢谢建议！
同学一下子就指出了我的各种硬伤啊……学习到了，非常感谢！我会认真修改的

作者: lyslj001 时间: 2013-8-17 22:36
绿色是我觉得有点问题的地方，橘黄色是值得学习的地方哦！
In today's competitive society, the rules in societies（有点重复了感觉） today become more and more strict. Some people may complain that these rules are too strict for young people. However, in my opinion, the rules would never be too strict.（清晰自然）

To begin with, the strict rules are a refraction of the reality that young people must be awarded of（不太明白作者的意思，是说要adapt to还是？） as soon as possible. Were the rules not so strict, young people could not adapted themselves to the fiery（更经常看到的是fierce，不过可能是我孤陋寡闻啦！可以忽略~） competitions in today's society quickly, which is deadly for their future. （Just as）The young eagles must be thrown out of the nest by their parents with not full grown wings following the rule of them. The rule might seem strict to the young birds, but they could never learn to fly if they were not exposed to such a dangerous environment, which would lead to an ending of their lives.（好让步，有说服力） The sources in the world are limited and the world people lived in is full of competitions. It could be dangerous if young people were not asked to follow the strict rules. (感觉这段话虽然自身有一定的逻辑，但跟整篇文章的主旨却不太契合。主题句是：rules并不too strict，但这段话强调的却是strict rules是必要的，等于承认了社会上的rules是很strict的。)

In addition, strict rules mean a strict and ordered world. People may think that the rules are too strict to them when they were young, but after getting used of it, they would find that the rules contributed to a ordered world. （这里的“虽然，但是”感觉并不是对立的）Without the rule of competition equally, for example, the world would full of cheating and people would lose trust on others, consequently, leading to a bad world in which people's lives would be much more difficult than today. In that case, the rules that the young followed are not so strict, are they?（能够明白作者想要表达的点，想法其实很不错，我觉得作者可以再明确地自圆其说一下，比如，这些rules表面上是很strict，但其实这种strict力度刚刚好。一方面鞭策年轻人，帮助年轻人更好地适应社会，一方面维护社会秩序让年轻人更好地成长、生活。重点不是放在strict怎么重要上，而是strict怎么恰当，并不会太过分上。）

To sum up, with the rapid development of science and technology and the increasing requirement to people of today's society, the rules young people are supposed to follow could never be so strict.
看的出来，作者有自己比较独到的见解，最重要的是如何把这些见解跟文章主题很好的契合。这也是我一直很纠结的地方啊啊啊！一起努力吧~另外文章需要再长一点哦，至少350字吧~嘿嘿

作者: wanggang0411 时间: 2013-8-18 01:42

0815 Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Young people today more likely to give time and effort improving the world than young people were at the past.
（41分钟， 333字，限时写作再次失败，不过这次的时间比之前短了一些继续加油！）

With the rapid development of science and technology, more and more people begin to realize the relationship between a better life and a greater world. Thus, young adults are supposed to give time and effort improving the world. Some people may think that the youth do not pay much attention on it. However, in my point of view, they are more likely to spent [ their time and effort on building a better world and a better life.

Regardding this opening paragraph, I think the frist sentence is weak linked with the one following, because in the former sentence you mentions about the relationship while in the latter one you start talking about the young people. So the improvement could be done on this part. For example, this sentence could be added between your opening sentence and the following argument, "Such group are not only primarily taken by adults, but adolescents also accounts for most of it." While some people may think bla.bla.., from my perspective, I believe bla.bla..
By the way, I think that compared with a Background information, just like the one you write "With...", a question is more simple to be designed as the opening sentence in a short time limitation.

To begin with, the youth are more helpful in today's society. {The youth are paying more attention on the whole society rather than only themselves. For example, } It's not an unusual phenomenon that the young adults offered [offer] their seats to the older. According to a recent research, the young adults who have the experiences offering their seats to the old people are about 30% more than the past. What's more, about 90% of the old people in the interview said that they had been helped by the young people in different ways such as taking a heavy bag and offering seats.{Since the Subject of this sentence is "they", old people, so taking and offering are wrong modifer. and I would like to correct it in this way, "bla bla that young people are offering kindness in different ways such as taking the heavy bag and leaving seats"} "Takes always love and the world is a tomb." The data above shows that young people clearly know the motto and they are more likely to try their best to make a wonderful world.

In addition, more and more charities are founded than in the old days by young adults. Take the place I lived in for example, there are [were] only one charities far from my home in this place ten years ago. But now, the number of the charities grew to 23 and one of them if [even] just beside my house. Miss Wang, one of my neighbors, is a volunteer there. She is willing to work there even though she gets no money. This is not a rare case. In fact, many young adults today are glad to give their time and effort to found or work in charities in order to build a beautiful world like her. (Good, I like this one, it's quite convincing.)

In a nutshell, young people today are more warmhearted and willing to contribute their time and effort to build a better world.

PS:
1. Keep the tense consistent, not disorderly jumping from recent to past.
2. link each sentence more compact both from syntactic side and logical side.
3. Use a reasoning structure could not only improve the logic connection but also reduce the time on 'creation'.
Just like the one you used in the writing, "This is not a rare case, then more general description", there are many ways to make the whole passage more sense, such as "The primary reason why I bla bla is that..... , "For instance", "from another perspective", "furthermor"e and so on.

作者: hemodata 时间: 2013-8-18 10:46

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-17 18:37
谢谢建议！
同学一下子就指出了我的各种硬伤啊……学习到了，非常感谢！我会认真修改的 ...

客气啦！加油！（我也是经常有类似的问题，泪目）

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-18 17:43
啊啊啊啊啊啊啊迟交了不要好意思！！！

0817 综合写作 TPO11
（限时，192字）

The passage claim that people read lessliterature today, which will have bad effects and it put out three reasons.However, the professor in the lecture doesn’t agree with it and says that thereasons cannot support the opinion.

Firstly, the professor tells that althoughliterature has many benefits as the passage say, the literature is coming fromreal live, which means that literature does not the only thing that give peopleso many benefits. That reason put out by the passage cannot hold water.

Secondly, the passage point out that peoplewatch more TV and movies and ignored the literature, that is bad for theculture in general. But the professor opposite it, arguing that literature isnot the only thing to reflect people' culture as movies and music have the samefunction nowadays.

Thirdly, the opinion in the passage thatthe future of literature will be affected because of the lack of reader is incorrect,too. The professor in the lecture thinks that it's not the readers but thewriters to be blame. Readers buy less literature because the literature writtenby authors today is difficult for them to understand.

作者: lmt2011 时间: 2013-8-18 19:11
0817 综合写作 TPO11
（限时，192字）

The passage claim(claims) that people read lessliterature today, which will have bad effects and it put(puts) out three reasons(+to support its point 感觉会更自然).However, the professor in the lecture doesn’t agree with it and says that thereasons cannot support the opinion.（However, the professor in the lecture does not agree with the passage and refutes that the reasons are unable to support the opinion. 这样写感觉会更清楚一点哈~）

第一段犯了一些不该犯的小错误哦------单复数的使用，可能是因为限时的原因，下次要注意咯~~

Firstly, the professor tells that althoughliterature has many benefits as the passage say, the literature is coming fromreal live, which means that literature does not the only thing that give peopleso many benefits. That reason put out by the passage cannot hold water.

第二段，可能没有太听清lecture哦，lecture里面有提到说其它类型的书如历史和科学。然后你这里可以用上原文的一些话，比如说列举下具体的benefit，像对想象力提升的帮助，这些原文的话都可以改编下用上的，会更饱满。

Secondly, the passage point（points） out that people watch more TV and movies and ignored the literature, that is bad for theculture in general.（这句话可以试着这么写哈：Secondly, the passage points out tht people spend more time on TV, music and other forms of entertainment rathe than the literature, which has negative influence on the culture in general.） But the professor opposite(opposite不是动词哈, 用opposes) it, arguing that literature isnot the only thing to reflect people' culture as movies and music have the samefunction nowadays.

这段感觉和我听到的内容差不多,还可以再强调下culture在变,不知道你听到这一句没有哈~~ 然后可以适当写点复杂句喔,应该能加分.~

Thirdly,(为了避免觉得是你的观点,这里建议+the speaker thinks that+) the opinion in the passage thatthe future of literature will be affected because of(直接用by把?) the lack of reader is incorrect,too. The professor in the lecture thinks that it's not the readers but thewriters to be blame. Readers buy less literature because the literature writtenby authors today is difficult for them to understand.

这段我俩听的也基本一样~~值得提醒的是要注意判断的语句都要加上是谁做的判断,要不然读者会觉得是你的意思.

summary:
如果时间充裕,可以先不要限时,可以多花点时间练练常用的表达和复杂句,这样能提亮不少. 然后可能听力方面,我觉得如果没有听清文章,尽量多用短文里面的内容来充实,这样字数上面也得的到保障,嘿嘿~~~~ fighting!

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-18 20:51

lmt2011 发表于 2013-8-18 19:11
0817 综合写作 TPO11
（限时，192字）

非常感谢！
关于文章的内容，因为之前上新东方的时候老师说绝对要避免直接使用文中和听力的句子，所以每次写的时候都超级纠结。
这次确实是时间上没有安排好，第一个观点那里当时看原文的时候没看太懂，结果听lecture受到了影响，写第一点的时候整理信息用了快十分钟，其他部分打字超级赶工，最后三秒钟的时候才打完“understand”这个单词，然后半秒钟写完句号有惊无险。。。

现在有些其他事，我稍后会去改你的作文

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-19 04:31
Independent Writing：
School always collect information of the teaching performance of teachers and according to it, give teacher who has efficient
teaching rewards. So which is more useful: evaluation by students or by other teachers?
(37min, 387字。稍微借鉴了一下各位大神的作文和tpo11综合写作部分的结构模板，这次写的时候感觉顺了好多。继续努力~)

Nowadays, the way of collectinginformation about the teaching performance of teachers has aroused people'sgreat concern. Some people may think that collecting the information from otherteachers is a good choice. However, in my opinion, it's better to collect theinformation from students, which has great benefits for students themselves,for teachers and for school.

To begin with, the quality ofclass would increase. Teachers would perform well in the class if they knewthat it's students they taught who considered the quantity of their salary. Itis not an unusual phenomenon that teachers shout at their students or cram thestudents for the little mistakes they made in the class. If students had suchrights, the bad teachers would performance well and are more patient to thestudents who made mistakes, which could found a good environment for studentsto study in and they could benefit a lot.

Secondly, theteachers could improve themselves during the time. Students are the people whostay the longest time with teachers. According to a survey conducted by a groupof professors from a university in Europe, teachers spent about 76% of theirworking life time with their students. The result means that it's the studentswho know the most about their teacher and they could point out plenty ofmistakes of their teachers making in the class, which could help the teachersto improve themselves and have a better performance next time.

Last but notthe least, the evaluation in the school would be more equality. Some people maygive others a high score in order to get a high score for themselves when theschool collect the information about a teacher form his/her co-workers. My neighbor,Miss Wang, was such a kind of teacher. The school she worked in use theevaluating system that collecting information from other teachers. She was notgood at teaching actually, but she always got a high mark on her teachingperformance by using that way. This phenomenon can be totally avoided if theschools asked students for the information about their teacher, which can helpthe school to build a greater evaluating system.

In a nutshell,as evaluation by students has so many benefits, it's advisable for school touse this way to consider whether the teacher perform well at work.

作者: FrancisEvens 时间: 2013-8-19 12:35

赶作业很辛苦吧~~

Nowadays, the way of collecting information about the（the删去比较好） teaching performance of teachers has aroused people's great concern.（用两个of词组感觉不太顺） Some people may think that collecting the（the删去比较好） information from other teachers is a good choice. However, in my opinion,（是不是把however放在中间更顺一些） it's（书面语中不要用缩写哦，it is) better to collect the information from students, which has great benefits for students themselves,for teachers and for school. (which 不能用来指代一整句话，所以这里如果想指代to collect the information from students,最好换一种说法。另外说这种方法给谁谁带来的益处用动词benefit就好，has benefits for有点wordy。顺便提一句，千万不要说benefit from sb.，这个词组指“占便宜”）

To begin with, the quality ofclass would increase（可以加上半句“如果让学生来评价"). Teachers would perform well in the class if they knew that it's（书面语中不要用缩写哦，it is) students they taught who（强调句只能用that，不可以换成who） considered（determin） the quantity of their salary. It is not an unusual phenomenon that teachers shout at their students or cram the students for the little mistakes they made in the class. If students had such rights, the bad teachers would performance well（better） and are（be） more patient to the students who made mistakes, which could found（provide） a good environment for students to study in and they could benefit a lot.

Secondly, the teachers could improve themselves during the time. Students are the people who stay the longest time with teachers. According to a survey conducted by a group of professors from a university in Europe, teachers spent about 76% of their working life time with their（删去their) students. The result means that it's the students who know the most about their teacher and they could point out plenty of mistakes of their teachers making in the class, which could help the teachers to improve themselves and have a better performance next time. (最后这句还是强调句, of 和which 指代的问题哦）

Last but not the least, the evaluation in the school would be more equality. Some people may give others a high score in order to get a high score for themselves when the school collect the information about a teacher form his/her co-workers. My neighbor,Miss Wang, was such a kind of teacher. The school she worked in use thee valuating systems that collecting(collect) information from other teachers. She was not good at teaching actually, but she always got a high mark on her teaching performance by using(by 和using重复） that way. This phenomenon can be totally avoided if the schools asked students for the information about their teacher, which can help the school to build a greater evaluating system.

In a nutshell, as evaluation by students has so many benefits, it's advisable for school to use this way to consider whether the teacher perform well at work.

大概说一下比较突出的感觉吧

1. 定冠词"the"使用过于频繁，其实不是每处都需要，尤其没有特指时

2. 用词重复比较严重，我貌似看到了好几个collect, information, improve, benefit. 可以尝试换成别的同义词

3. 我的老师很注意谓语动词在句子中的位置，所谓黄金比例。就是说当谓语动词处于句子中间靠前的位置时，句子读起来最舒服。所以发现谓语太靠后了，可以给后面加几个并列或者定于什么的来平衡，防止头重脚轻。

4. 如果可以再把每个论点之间的关系组织下就更好了。可以先说课程质量会增加，学校考评会更公平，并且老师自己的水平也能得到提高。加入一点递进关系，而不仅仅是并列。给人感觉思想一点点深入进去。

5. 结构不错！开头结尾短小精悍，中间段内容充实。

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-19 13:06

FrancisEvens 发表于 2013-8-19 12:35
赶作业很辛苦吧~~
Nowadays, the way of collecting information about the（the删去比较好） teaching pe ...

谢谢建议！
同义词那里是当时实在是词穷了

谢谢关于谓语动词的建议！难怪我写完之后总觉得读起来很怪
这是我第一次尝试这种形式的结构，来自TOP11综合写作的启发，结果写的时候忘记了把层层递进也考虑进去。。。
我会认真修改的！再一次感谢！

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-19 18:56
0818 TPO12
(限时，228字，这次写得稍微有些赶，时间到了之后才发现有信息点似乎理解错了Orz。。。）

To begin with, the passage claimed that the person in the painting was Austen because the Austen's family gave permission to use the portrait and recognized the people on it as Austen. However, professor did not think it can prove anything as Austen had dead for almost 17 years before they claimed it, so the family member's memory may not correct.

In addition, the passage told us the teen girl in the portrait had the same sketch with Austen. Again, the professor opposite it, arguing that Austen was an big family, so there were many teen girls could wear the same sketch like Austen. The girl in the picture might not be her but one of them.

Last but not the least, the view in the passage that the painting was drawn by Ozias Humphrey was incorrect, too. The professor pointed out that although the picture had the same style as Humphrey, he did not sell his work in England until Austen was 20 years old, which is much older than the girl in the painting. Thus, the people in it could not be Jane Austen.

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-19 21:18
0818的independent writing
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
The opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than to older people.
(50min,392字)

To begin with, the youth are more likely to be influent by others. As younger people have less experience than the older people, they are more likely to be influenced by the words celebrities said on the surface. One of my neighbors, Jack, is a typical case in that point. He always use the word "boring" to describe the things around him. He think it is very cool because one of his favorite singers did this one day when he watching TV. The singer's opinion on things around him influence Jack much, but to the older people like Jack's parents, they just think what the singer did it is just a funny joke.

In addition, it's the youth's nature to imitate others' action, especially the people they like. While the older people think that copying other's action is like a fool, the young people consider it as fashion. According to a research conducted by a group of scientists form a university, about 60% teens will buy the drinks or clothes their favorite celebrities like, and more than 50% of the young people in the research said that if the celebrities disliked a thing such as eating potatoes for example, they would not touch potatoes, too. Nevertheless, when it comes to the older people, the results are opposite. The opinions of celebrities have giant influence on the younger people.

Last but not the least, the opinions of celebrities may even decide a young people's future. Amy is one of the most famous football players in my college. She began to play football because the athlete she liked when she was young said that woman can also play football as good as the man like him. his opinion on football encouraged she to try her best to be a good player, decided her future when she was a little girl.

In a nutshell, with such a great influence, we can safety draw a conclusion that the opinions of celebrities are more important to younger people than to the older.

作者: pyivy 时间: 2013-8-19 21:29

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-19 18:56
0818 TPO12
(限时，228字，这次写得稍微有些赶，时间到了之后才发现有信息点似乎理解错了Orz。。。）

The passage said that Jane Austen, the famous novelists who once thought never left any image of herself, had left a portrait of herself and put out three evidences. But the professor in the lecture did not think them could prove it.
To begin with, the passage claimed that the person in the painting was Austen because the （不用加the）Austen's family gave permission to use the portrait and recognized the people on it as Austen. However, professor did not think it can prove anything as Austen had dead（改为died） for almost 17 years before they claimed it, so the family member's memory may not 加be correct.
In addition, the passage told us the teen girl in the portrait had the same sketch with Austen. Again, the professor opposite it, arguing that Austen was an（改为a） big family, so there were many teen girls could wear the same sketch like Austen. The girl in the picture might not be her（改为Austein） but one of them.
Last but not the least（听力中没有强调那个原因最重要）, the view in the passage that the painting was drawn by Ozias Humphrey was incorrect, too. The professor pointed out that although the picture had the same style as Humphrey, he did not sell his work in England until Austen was 20 years old, which is much older than the girl in the painting. Thus, the people in it could not be Jane Austen.
通过阅读你的作业，我学到了很多，听力好多东西我没听出来，向你学习。另外，谢谢你给我的细致的修改。

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-20 04:35

pyivy 发表于 2013-8-19 21:29
The passage said that Jane Austen, the famous novelists who once thought never left any image of h ...

客气~
其实相互学习也是互改最大的好处之一

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-20 20:01
0819 TPO 13
(超时几秒钟，206字)

The passage thinks the phenomenon that private collectors selling and buying fossils has many disadvantages and people should aware of this. However, the professor in the lecture holds a totally different opinion on it.

To begin with, the professor disagree with the claim in the passage that people would not see the fossils as they were bought by private collectors, which would decline public interest in fossil. She said that there were many private museums as well and lots of fossils still can be seen by the public.

Secondly, the view in the passage that fossils study would be affected as scientists can not touch the fossils is also incorrect. In the lecture, the professor pointed out that before the fossils being sold or bought, they must be identified by scientists first. Thus, scientist can still tough the fossils and study them.

Lastly, the passage said that private collectors usually destroy scientific evidence of the fossils when they were under earth, which affect the study of fossils. However, the professor opposite that a large number of fossils could not be discovered without the private collectors, and that scientists' study on fossils would be even slower. So, the advantages of selling and buying fossils outweighs the disadvantages.

作者: qingcongll 时间: 2013-8-20 22:08

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-20 20:01
0819 TPO 13
(超时几秒钟，206字)

The passage thinks the phenomenon that private collectors selling and buying fossils has many disadvantages and people should aware of this. However, the professor in the lecture holds a totally different opinion on it.

To begin with, the professor disagree with the claim in the passage that people would not see the fossils as they were bought by private collectors, which would decline public interest in fossil. She said that there were many private museums as well and lots of fossils still can be seen by the public.(听力有出入，lecture不是这么说的）

Secondly, the view in the passage that fossils study would be affected as scientists can not touch the fossils is also incorrect. In the lecture, the professor pointed out that before the fossils being sold or bought, they must be identified by scientists first. Thus, scientist can still tough？？ the fossils and study them.

Lastly, the passage said that private collectors usually destroy scientific evidence of the fossils when they were under earth, which affect the study of fossils. However, the professor opposite that a large number of fossils could not be discovered without the private collectors, and that scientists' study on fossils would be even slower. So, the advantages of selling and buying fossils outweighs the disadvantages.

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-21 04:40
0819 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
In order to succeed, you should be more like others than be different from everyone else.
(55min, 406字，这次没有控制好时间和字数。。。)

In today's competitive society, the way tosuccess has drawn people's great concern. When it comes to me whether people shouldcopy others' actions or different from everyone else in order to success, myanswer is always the later, for it sometimes is a faster way to success andcould benefit people themselves a lot.

To begin with, finding a way different fromeveryone else may be the fast way to succeed. In today's materialistic society,in order to realize their dream plenty of people prefer to follow certain stepsof the successes people. Thus, many competitors would arise in the way tosuccess. So, trying to find another totally different way is a better choiceand without so many competitors, people might success earlier. The story ofAbide, the famous business man, is a suitable case in that point. When he grewup, people in the little village he lived in were busy to find a stable work ina big city with high salary. However, different from them, he studied themountains around the village carefully, finding that it is a great place forthe people form big cities to go sightseeing. After collecting enough informationabout it, he found a traveling company and earned a lot of money when he wasvery young. This case is not rare. In fact, many famous people achieved theirdream much faster than others by finding a different way.

In addition, people could benefit a lotduring that time. Finding a new way to success need the ability of thinkingindependently as well as a great deal of knowledge other people lacked, whichmeans that people could learn many new things while practicing the skill of jumpingout of the mind box. Take Bill Gates, the CEO of Microsoft company, forexample. He left school when other people think that the only way to success isgraduating from a famous college and found his own company. In his way ofstruggling for success, he learned a lot of knowledge about computer to improvehim and thought of many new ideas about what a perfect computer like in thefuture. What more, He also gained much valuable things such as friendship inthe meantime. The experience of him tells us that it's better to choose a waydifferent from everyone to success.

In a nutshell, with so many advantages,people should different from others in order to succeed.

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-21 04:41

qingcongll 发表于 2013-8-20 22:08
The passage thinks the phenomenon that private collectors selling and buying fossils has many disa ...

非常感谢葱叔的批改！
那个地方确实是当时没反应过来就过了。。。

作者: whom123 时间: 2013-8-21 19:49

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-19 21:18
0818的independent writing
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
The opinions of ce ...

People today tend to think that the opinions of celebrities are more important to the youth than the old. In my mind, I cannot agree more with this opinion, because it is obvious that what the celebrities said have greater influence on the younger's words, actions and even their futures when compared to the older.
首段开门见山，直接表明观点，很好~ 如果能稍用些手法美化一下就更好了。

To begin with, the youth are more likely to be influent（influenced） by others. As younger people have less experience than the older people, they are more likely to be influenced by the words celebrities said on the surface. One of my neighbors, Jack, is a typical case in that point（个人觉得这个有点多余，可删去）. He always use the word "boring" to describe the things around him. He think it is very cool because one of his favorite singers did this one day when he （is） watching TV. The singer's opinion on things around him influences Jack much（用这个词感觉不太合适，deeply更好些）, but to the older people like Jack's parents, they just think what the singer did it is just a funny joke.
结构没问题，论点论据满足，有些表达方面和语法小错要注意些。

In addition, it's the youth's nature to imitate others' action, especially the people they like. While the older people think that copying other's action is like a fool, the young people consider it as fashion. According to a research conducted by a group of scientists form a university, about 60% teens will buy the drinks or clothes their favorite celebrities like, and more than 50% of the young people in the reserch said that if the celebrities disliked a thing such as eating potatoes for example, they would not touch potatoes, too. Nevertheless, when it comes to the older people, the results are opposite. The opinions of celebrities have giant influence on（最好换成have great effect on） the younger people.

Last but not the least, the opinions of celebrities may even decide a young people's future. Amy is one of the most famous football players in my college. She began to play football because the athlete she liked when she was young said that woman can also play football as good as the man like him（这么表达显得有些别扭，看着费劲。比如改为because of her favourable athlete, who said woman could also play football as well as man when she was young, 是不是更好些？）. his opinion on football encouraged she to try her best to be a good player, decided（之前的逗号换成and） her future when she was a little girl.

In a nutshell, with such a great influence, we can safety draw a conclusion that the opinions of celebrities are more important to younger people than to the older.

总体来讲观点说清了，并且有一定的例子和细节。但是我总感觉也许有些地方有点论述不是很充分。如若使论述更充分些，例子的表达提高一些，避免一些重复的用词和说明，文章会更完美。

ps：最近我这儿不知道怎么回事帖子回复完全不出提醒今天去交作文时才看到你的批改和你贴出的链接这么晚才改真是抱歉了~~~

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-22 03:08

whom123 发表于 2013-8-21 19:49
People today tend to think that the opinions of celebrities are more important to the youth than t ...

非常感谢！
我会认真修改的！

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-22 03:12
0820 independent writing
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
It is better to relax by watching a movie or reading a book than doing physical exercise.
（33or34min, 353字，这次用了TPO模拟软件去计时，稍微有了一些紧迫感，不过写最后一段的时候还是不够时间，观点二深化的也不够,辛苦帮忙改作文的同学了）

In today's competitive society, a goodrelax is necessary for people after a whole day's fighting. When it comes tothe way of relaxing, my opinion is always that doing something at home suchas watching a movie or reading a book ismuch better than doing physical exercise outside, for it is good for both thepeople's body and people's soul.

To begin with, doing exercise outside mayhurt people's body on the contrary. After a whole day's hard working, people'sbody is very tired and need to sit down for a relaxing. Forcing body to doexercises under such circumstance undoubtedly would hurt it. According to aresearch conducted by a group of scientists from my university, people are morelikely to get hurt during doing exercise with a tired body and about 60% of thehurt in exercise is from the group of people who like doing exercise afterwork. Thus, physical exercise cannot give people relax but hurt them.

In addition, doing something quiet at homesuch as watching movies or reading books can totally give a relax to people'sbody. Sitting or lying on sofas is a relaxing for people's leg. a movie or good book can put people at easementally. Take my experience for example. Every time when I read a book quietlyat home after a day's study, I forget the disturb things at school in themoment and it is the best time for me in the day.

Last but not the least, good books such asliterature or good movies can improve people themselves. People could learn alot of beautiful and valuable things in the world such as love and friendshipin the world from them. I used to spend one week on reading Gone with the Windin my relaxing time. I learned a lot about the courage and friendship betweenpeople and I thought a lot. This experience is wonderful and I'm glad that Idid not miss it by doing exercise.

In a nutshell, with so many advantages,watching movies or reading books is a better way to relax.

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-22 03:13

0820 TPO14

（超时半分钟，195字，这次稍微借鉴了一下葱叔的词句）

The passage claims that remove salvagelogging benefit both the forest and the economy. But the professor doubts thestatement and gives out her reasons and evidences as follow.

To begin with, the professor doesn't thinkthat remove the dead trees could help new trees to grow as the passage say. Onthe contrary, she points out that as the dead trees enrich the soil, new treescould grow much quicker.

In addition, the passage says that theinsects would be attracted by the decaying woods, which harm the trees' health.However, the professor opposes it, arguing that the health of trees could notbe infected as they have lived with the insects for more than a hundred years.What's more, the insects are also good for forest's long term grow.

Lastly, the opinion that moving out thesalvage logging can help local economy to increase in the passage may notcorrect, too. The professor points out that many big machines are needed toremove those trees, which is very expensive. She also says that as removing thetrees is just a part time job, the problem of local people' working actually isnot solved.

作者: xiaxiaya 时间: 2013-8-22 07:59

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-22 03:12
0820 independent writing
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
It is better to rela ...

0820 independent writing

In today's competitive society, a good relax is necessary for people after a whole day's fighting. When it comes to the way of relaxing, my opinion is always that doing something at home suchas watching a movie or reading a book ismuch better than doing physical exercise outside, for it is good for both the(去掉吧) people's body and people's soul.

To begin with, doing exercise outside mayhurt people's body on the contrary. After a whole day's hard working, people'sbody is （people's/ our bodies are） very tired and need to sit down for a relaxing（relax已经是名词咯~for a relax 更地道）. Forcing body to do exercises under such circumstance undoubtedly would hurt it (be harmful to our health). According to a research conducted by a group of scientists from my university, people are morelikely to get hurt ( 或者get injured) during doing exercise with a tired body and about 60% of the hurt(injury) in exercise is from the group of people who like doing exercise afterwork. Thus, physical exercise cannot give people relax but hurt them.

In addition, doing something quiet at home such as watching movies or reading books can totally give a relax to people's body(总感觉people's body单复数不太好确定。。). Sitting or lying on sofas is a relaxing for people's leg（直接用动词就好release / relax our legs）. a movie or good book can put people at ease(好像没有put ease这样的说法，help ease ourselves可能更好) mentally. Take my experience for example. Every time when I read a book quietly at home after a day's study, I forget the disturb（这是个动词哦） things at school in the moment and it is the best time for me in the day.
【这段就像楼主说的，不太理想，首先这段的观点好像就在重复主观点，就像这样“我认为读书更能放松，因为读书能放松放松我们的身体”】

Last but not the least, good books such as literature or good movies can improve people themselves. People could learn a lot of beautiful and valuable things in the world such as love and friendshipin the world from them（这里有点冗余）. I used to spend one week on reading Gone with the Wind in my relaxing time. I learned a lot about the courage and friendship between people and I thought a lot（思考和学到，换一下顺序可能更好~因为句子前面太长后面太短，另外，这个and可以用逗号隔开，这样句意比较明显）. This experience is wonderful and I'm glad that Idid not miss it by doing exercise.

In a nutshell, with so many advantages,watching movies or reading books is a better way to relax.
【结尾稍微有点单薄】

作者: sallygreen 时间: 2013-8-22 11:11
改完咯~

[attach]126388[/attach]

作者: Mint静默 时间: 2013-8-22 16:02
我的独立写完了~请过目

http://forum.chasedream.com/thread-870505-4-1.html

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-22 17:48

xiaxiaya 发表于 2013-8-22 07:59
0820 independent writing

In today's competitive society, a good relax is necessary for people aft ...

非常感谢！我会认真修改的！

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-22 17:53

sallygreen 发表于 2013-8-22 11:11
改完咯~

谢谢建议！

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-22 17:55

Mint静默发表于 2013-8-22 16:02
我的独立写完了~请过目

http://forum.chasedream.com/thread-870505-4-1.html

好的。我现在正在录口语，稍后上传我的作文并帮你改。

作者: ni_kate 时间: 2013-8-22 18:19
where is your 8.21 indenpendent?

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-22 20:48

ni_kate 发表于 2013-8-22 18:19
where is your 8.21 indenpendent?

sorry, here it is.

========================

0821 Independent Writing：
父母應該多陪孩子玩遊戲或體育運動，還是陪孩子做和學校學習有關的事情？
(30min,385字，第一次！！！提前三分钟写完了作文！！！果然一个好的结构非常重要啊…… )

In today's competitive society, more and more people begin to aware the importance of children's education. While some people think that parents should do spent more time on children in their study, I have an opposite opinion. It's better for parents to spend more time playing with their children, which benefit the children, the parents and the whole family.

To begin with, study all day is bad for student's body and soul. As a saying goes, “all study and no play makes Jack a dull boy." One of my friends, Abide, is a suitable case in that point. His parents never play games or doing physical exercises with him and forbid him to go outside to play with others. Although he always got the first place at school, he does not have many friends and always the last one who run the last place in the P.E. class. This was not good for his body and soul. Parents should play more with their children, which an help them to relax after a whole day's hard working and to build a strong body.

In addition, playing games or doing physical exercise with children can help parents relax, too. After a day's work sitting in the office, parents' body would be more tired if they continued sitting beside their children to help their study. According to a research conducted by a group of scientist from U.S., the people worked in the office are more likely to get sick with their necks. Playing games or doing exercise with their children can avoid that resk. So, take more time on playing with children is better.

Last but not the least, the relationship between family members could be enhanced during that time. Playing games give parents have more time to talk with their children, which reduced the gap between parents and children. Take one of my experiences for example. I usually played cheese with my parents when I was a child after school. I can still remember how happy I was during that time and there were no parents and child but friends. It is one of the wonderful time I have. Hence, playing with children can benefit the whole family.

In a nutshell, with so many advantages, it's advisable for parents to play game or do physical exercise with their children.

作者: pyivy 时间: 2013-8-22 23:32

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-21 04:40
0819 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
In order to succeed, you should be more ...

In today's competitive society, the way to success has drawn people's great concern. When it comes to me whether people should copy others' actions or be different from everyone else in order to success, my answer is always the later, for it sometimes is a faster way to success and could benefit people themselves a lot.

To begin with, finding a way different from everyone else(改为other people? may be the fast way to succeed. In today's materialistic society,in order to realize their dream, plenty of people prefer to follow certain steps of the successes(g改为successful) people. Thus, many competitors would arise in the way to success. So, trying to find another totally different way is a better choice and without so many competitors, people might success(succeed) earlier. The story ofAbide, the famous business man, is a suitable case in that point. When he grewup, people in the little village he lived in were busy to find a stable work ina big city with high salary. However, different from them, he studied the mountains around the village carefully, finding that it is a great place forthe people form big cities to go sightseeing. After collecting enough informationabout it, he found a traveling company and earned a lot of money when he wasvery young. This case is not rare. In fact, many famous people achieved theirdream much faster than others by finding a different way.

In addition, people could benefit a lotduring that time. Finding a new way to success need the ability of thinkingindependently as well as a great deal of knowledge other people lacked, whichmeans that people could learn many new things while practicing the skill of jumpingout of the mind box. Take Bill Gates, the CEO of Microsoft company, forexample. He left school when other people think that the only way to success isgraduating from a famous college and found his own company. In his way ofstruggling for success, he learned a lot of knowledge about computer to improve him(g改为himself） and thought of many new ideas about what a perfect computer like in thefuture. What more（what‘s more?或者改成Moreover是不是也可以）, He also gained much valuable？？ things such as friendship inthe meantime. The experience of him tells us that it's better to choose a waydifferent from everyone to success.

In a nutshell, with so many advantages,people should different from others in order to succeed.

首先，不好意思啊，最近事儿太多，才给你改
读你的文章对我是很好的学习，我还得加强练习
文中的修改供参考。另外发现你文章里有一个比较通篇的问题，就是很多单词中间没有空格，我没有一一给你修改了。

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-22 23:39

pyivy 发表于 2013-8-22 23:32
In today's competitive society, the way to success has drawn people's great concern. When it comes ...

谢谢！
没有空格是因为稍微有些偷懒直接从word复制粘贴。。。

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-23 01:20
0821 综合 TPO15
(20min，202words)

As the number of cane toads loses controlin Australia, the passage gives out three advices to stop them from spreading.However, the professor in the lecture does not think the ideas could work. Herecome the reasons and evidences.

To begin with, suggestion in the passagethat a national fence should be built to stop the cane toad could not work accordingto the professor. As the young toad ant toad eggs could flow down the stream tothe other side of the fence, the national fence are useless.

In addition, the idea put forward by thepassage that volunteers are needed to catch and destroy the toad also does notmake sense. The professor points out that because the volunteers are not welltrained, they may confuse the cane toad with other local frogs, which wouldbecome damage to the local animals.

Lastly, the professor disagrees with theopinion in the passage that virus should be used to stop cane toad,neither. She says that although the toadis a disaster to Australia it is a kind of local animal in America. The viruswould unavoidable spread to the America, that would destroy the nature ofCentral and South America.

作者: mk314400 时间: 2013-8-23 13:54

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-23 01:20
0821 综合 TPO15
(20min，202words)

As the number of cane toads loses controlinAustralia（没有理解是啥意思= =）, the passage gives out three advices（不可数） to stop them from spreading.However, the professor inthe lecture does not think the ideas could work. Herecome the reasons andevidences.（不可数）

To begin with, suggestion in thepassagethat a national fence should be built to stop the cane toad could notwork accordingto the professor. As the young toad ant toad eggs could flow downthe stream tothe other side of the fence, the national fence are （will be）useless.

In addition, the idea put forward bythepassage that volunteers are needed to catch and destroy the toad also doesnotmake sense. The professor points out that because the volunteers are notwelltrained, they may confuse the cane toad with other local frogs, whichwouldbecome (改成which could damage local animals) damage to the localanimals.

Lastly, the professor disagrees withtheopinion in the passage that virus should be used to stop cane toad,neither(either). She saysthat although the toadis a disaster to Australia it is a kind of local animalin America. The viruswould unavoidable(unavoidably) spread to the America, that(which) would destroy the nature ofCentral andSouth America.

优点：结构清晰，听力和阅读的内容有对比，逻辑性强。
缺点：1、听力的内容不足。要加强听力的听力。
2、作文有语法错误或不妥。其中的错误已经在文中修改，但是有一些用法奇怪的地方需要LZ多阅读地道的英语文章，找到英语写作的感觉。
加油！

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-23 18:19

mk314400 发表于 2013-8-23 13:54
As the number of cane toads loses controlinAustralia（没有理解是啥意思= =）, the passage gives out ...

谢谢点评！
那个不可数的地方我也觉得是不可数名词，但是不知道为什么word文档自动纠错的时候提示应该是要加上s，后来查了字典之后发现确实是不可数，但是忘了改过来
还有就是你不明白的那个奇怪的地方。。。其实是因为单词直接复制粘贴过来连在了一起。。。

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-23 20:13
0822 independent writing
（可以按时写完但是超时三分钟用来修改，357字）

你同不同意 that 學生參加學校的organization 和activities club is as important as their academic class.

Students get benefit from studentorganization or club activities 是不是 as much as their academic studies.

"All study and no play make Jack a dull boy." Of course attending the organization and activities club is as important as academic class to students, for it is good for both students’ body and soul, and they can also gain much more things during that time.

To begin with, attending the organization and activities club is a relaxing for students after a whole day's hard working sitting in the classroom. Join in a sports club, for example, is a good choice for students to give their body relaxes. According to a research conducted by a group of scientists from U.S. the people sitting all day are about 60% more likely to get sick on their necks. Being active in school's organization and activities club could decrease the time of sitting in a classroom, that reduce the risk of having that problem.

In addition, being a member in school's organization or activities club is essential for student to grow up healthy. A first place in academic does not mean anything but that the person is good at study. Take my neighbor, Abide, for example. He studied very hard and always got the first place in the class. However, he never attend any organization or activities club at school and all he did after school was study. Although he had a good academic performance, he had no friends, which is bad for his grow and his future. Hence, join in an organization or club is very important.

Last but not the least, students can gain many valuable things in an organization or club. One of my experiences is a typical case in that point. Really interested in radio, I joined in the radio club in my school. In that club, I made many friends and learned many skills about radio. I can still remember the happy moments that we finally solved a difficult problem after discussing for a long time. The friendship and great time I have there is a valuable treasure to me. That can never get in the academic class.

in a nutshell, it's important for students to join in organization and club activities in school.

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-23 20:26

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-13 19:50
迟交作业了真的是非常抱歉。。。。。。

0812

写完一篇相同的作文之后回过头来发现我的这篇文章居然没有人改。。。

我自己来评一下这篇十天前的作文吧。。。

1.开头点题没什么好的也没什么问题
2.让步段用了特殊句型，不过展开的不够多
3.分论点一的主题句还需要提炼
4.分论点二写得相对来说比较好
5.结尾段有些匆忙
6.全篇的毛病，现在也有，就是用词比较单一，还是有些chinglish

写过的作文再写一次感觉提高了一些。。。不过不知道是不是限时的原因，用词上没有过多推敲，感觉不如这篇好

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-24 03:03

0822 TPO16
(20min,191字)

The passage claims that the archaeology science has faced many problems today, which should arouse people's attention. However, the professor in the lecture disagrees with it, pointing out that the situation had changed since 1990s.Here come the reasons and evidence.

To begin with, the fact that plenty of valuable artifacts lost in the passage is not correct according to the professor. She says that the things is different today and sever plans were made by government to protection the artifacts.

In addition, the opinion supported by the passage that the archaeologists get little financial support is opposite by the professor. She argues that it is the constriction company not the government that the archaeologists should ask for the financial support, for the company is founded to solving those problems in archaeological project.

Lastly, the passage tells that there are not enough jobs for people who want to be a archaeologist. Nevertheless, the professor argues that this was not true, saying that from writing reporter to teacher, there are lots of position in archaeology for people to choose, and that the numbers of job in this field has reaches its highest today.

作者: 饼干小熊 时间: 2013-8-24 08:39
亲我今天去宣讲，明天帮你改哈，多谢

作者: ni_kate 时间: 2013-8-24 11:29
In today's competitive society, more and more people begin to aware the importance of children's education. While some people think that parents should do（去掉，两个动词了） spent more time on children in their study（应改成the study of children）, I have an opposite opinion. It's better for parents to spend more time playing with their children, which benefit the children, the parents and the whole family.（这句话有些问题，看得不是很明白，应该很明确地指出论点）

To begin with, studying all day is bad for student's body and soul. As a saying goes, “all study and no play makes Jack a dull boy." One of my friends, Abide, is a suitable case in that point. His parents never play games or doing（改成do） physical exercises with him and forbid him to go outside to play with others. Although he always got the first place at school, he does not(改成no) have (去掉)many friends and always the last one who runs the last place in the P.E. class. This was not good for his body and soul. Parents should play(pay) more time with their children, which an(??) help them to relax after a whole day's hard working and to build a strong body. (这句不知道你是想用什么样的从句，而且写得过长，表达不明确，其实换成简单句表达清楚更好)
第二段你写了“孩子一直学习的不好”，用的Abide的例子，交不到到朋友，可以写一些她的感受，或者造成了什么伤害，更多一些details 会更充实一些
In addition, playing games or doing physical exercise with children can help parents relax, too（却掉）. After a day's work sitting（the sitting of one all day更好些吧） in the office, parents' body would be more tired if they continued sitting beside their children to help their study（肿么有点汉语式英语的赶脚= =）. According to a research conducted by a group of scientist from U.S., the people worked in the office are more likely to get sick with their necks. Playing games or doing exercise with their children can avoid that resk. So, take more time on playing with children is better.(呃，还是那句话，如果复杂句子用得不好，就用简单句吧。像这种长句子，我就写不好的说......）

Last but not the least, the relationship between family members could be enhanced during that time. Playing games give parents have(两个动词？？) more time to talk with their children, which reduced the gap between parents and children. Take one of my experiences for example. I usually played cheese with my parents when I was a child after school. I can still remember how happy I was during that time and there were no parents and child but friends. It is one of the wonderful time I have. Hence, playing with children can benefit the whole family.

In a nutshell, with so many advantages, it's advisable for parents to play game or do physical exercise with their children.

作者: 饼干小熊 时间: 2013-8-24 20:53
改好了哈~还要多多加油哦！

作者: 饼干小熊 时间: 2013-8-24 20:55
附件在此

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-24 21:18
0823 综合
（没有控制好字数这次。。。20min，246words)

The passage puts forward a claim that the birds in U.S. will contunue to decline, which should arise people's awareness. However, the professor doesn't think this theory was true, and gives her reasons and evidence as follow.

To begin with, the story mentions in the passage that bird's habitats will disappear because of the expansion of human population and settlements is unconvincing. The professor argues that many habitats are built and protected in cities today, which attacted a lot of different kinds of birds. Althouth the habitats in one place may decline, it could increasing in other places.

In addition, the professor disagrees with the opinion in the passage that the expand of agricultural would decline the habitats of birds. She says that it's true that more crops are needed as the population of human continued growing, but as many new kind of crops with higher production being invented, the fields used by agricultural actually contiunes decrease this years.

Lastly, the reason that the use of chemical pesticides will decline the number of birds in the future is also doubed by the professor. The professor tells that as more and more people aware of this problem today, two things will happen in the future. For one thing, a new kind of toxic less chemical pesticides will appear to protect the birds; for another, scientists will invented a kind of crops that resistance to the harmful things such as insects, which decline the use of chenical pesticides.

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-25 01:34
0823 independent writing
學校或工作 Presentation 你習慣一個月前就開始準備或有 idea 後才晚一點開始進行
(超时几分钟，343words，检查的时候才发现一不小心手滑把所有的presentation打成了persentation。。。

)

In today's competitive society, more and more people are awarded of the importance of performing themselves well in the public, such as doing a presentation at school or at work. When it comes whether people should prepared for the presentation a month earlier or just wait until a good idea come out of mind, my answer is also the former, for it could increase the quality of a presentation and leave a deep impression to others.

Waiting for an idea is a waste of practicing time. If the idea did not come up until several hours before the dead line, people might not have enough time to prepare for the presentation. One of my neighbors, Abide, is a suitable case in that point. Abide never prepared for a presentation until he thought of a good idea. Last month, teacher asked him to give a presentation about the cars in the future. It was not until the night before the deadline that he thought about an idea, so he prepared hurriedly. Consequently, no one in my class understood what he wanted to show to us. Hence, waiting for an idea is risky and it is better for people to begin early.

Preparing a mouth early can leave a deep impression to others. " Practice makes perfect." Only after a lot of practices can people make a impressive presentation. Preparing a month earlier give people enough time to practice and make the presentation a perfect one. Take one of my experiences for illustration, last week, I had to put out a presentation about what the city looked be like in the past. I began to prepare for it a month earlier and searched a great deal of information about cities and buildings in it. Finally, I performed really well and successed. If I did not start so early, I might never gain so much approval.

In a nutshell, as people do not have a second chance to give others a first impression, it's better for them to prepare for a presentation earlier and make it perfect by practice.

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-25 01:49

饼干小熊发表于 2013-8-24 20:55
附件在此

非常感谢！

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-25 01:58

ni_kate 发表于 2013-8-24 11:29
In today's competitive society, more and more people begin to aware the importance of children's edu ...

非常感谢！

作者: 19911006 时间: 2013-8-25 12:39

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-23 20:13
0822 independent writing
（可以按时写完但是超时三分钟用来修改，357字）
你同不同意 that 學生參加學校 ...

0822 independent writing（可以按时写完但是超时三分钟用来修改，357字）你同不同意 that  學生參加學校的organization 和activities club is as important as  their academic class.
Students get benefit from student organization or club activities  是不是  as much as their academic studies.
"All study and no play make Jack a dull boy." Of course attending the organization and activities club is as important as academic class to students, for it is good for both students’ body and soul, and they can also gain much more things during that time.To begin with, attending the organization and activities club is a relaxing for students after a whole day's hard working sitting in the classroom.（状语部分是个病句，不应该把这么多的成分混在一起，表达不清楚的话可以分为多个句子）Joining in a sports club, for example, is a good choice for students to give their body relaxes. According to a research conducted by a group of scientists from U.S. the people sitting all day are about 60% more likely to get sick on their necks（这里既然出现了more，就应该补上比较的对象）. Being active in school's organization and activities club could decrease the time of sitting in a classroom, that reduce the risk of having that problem.In addition, being a member in school's organization or activities club is essential for student to grow up healthy. A first place in academic does not mean anything but that the person is good at study. Take my neighbor, Abide, for example.  He studied very hard and always got the first place in the class. However, he never attend any organization or activities club at school and all he did after school was study. Although he had a good academic performance, he had no friends, which is bad for his growth and his future. Hence, joining in an organization or club is very important.Last but not the least, students can gain many valuable things in an organization or club. One of my experiences is a typical case in that point. Really interested in radio, I joined in the radio club in my school. In that club, I made many friends and learned many skills about radio. I can still remember the happy moments that we finally solved a difficult problem after discussing for a long time. The friendship and great time I have there is a valuable treasure to me. That can never get in the academic class.in a nutshell, it's important for students to join in organization and club activities in school.

句子的表达不是很好，表达不出要说的意思
例子和观点的练习不是很好，甚至有的不能体现出benefit
BY 19911006 加油

作者: 19911006 时间: 2013-8-25 13:08

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-25 01:58
非常感谢！

没想到在word上改好了，还是变成这样

作者: sherlock1992 时间: 2013-8-25 14:32
这位童鞋，改的迟了些，敬请见谅

红色修改蓝色建议高亮表赞

In today's competitive society, more and more people are awarded（awared) of the importance of performing themselves well in the public, such as doing a presentation at school or at work. When it comes to whether people should prepared(prepare) for the presentation a month earlier or just wait until a good idea comes out of mind, my answer is also(why "also"?) the former, for it could increase the quality of a presentation and leave a deep impression to others.

Waiting for an idea is a waste of practicing time. If the idea did not come up until several hours before the dead line（deadline), people might not have enough time to prepare for the presentation. One of my neighbors, Abide, is a suitable case in that point. Abide never prepared for a presentation until he thought of a good idea.(这句子逻辑有错误，去掉never） Last month, a teacher asked him to give a presentation about the cars in the future. It was not until the night before the deadline that he thought about(think about只有“考虑，思考”的意思，似乎没有“想出”的意思，所以这里用的不甚恰当） an idea, so he prepared hurriedly. Consequently, no one in my class understood what he wanted to show to us. Hence, waiting for an idea is risky and it is better for people to begin early.

Preparing a mouth early can leave a deep impression to others. " Practice makes perfect."（这里空空的撘一句，前后缺少连词作衔接，故读起来不太流畅） Only after a lot of practices can people make an impressive presentation. Preparing a month earlier gives people enough time to practice and make the presentation a perfect one. Take one of my experiences for illustration, last week, I had to put out a presentation about what the city looked be like(looks like即可） in the past. I began to prepare for it a month earlier and searched a great deal of information about cities and buildings in it. Finally, I performed really well and successed. If I did not start so early, I might never gain so much approval.

In a nutshell, as people do not have a second chance to give others a first impression, it's better for them to prepare for a presentation earlier and make it perfect by practice.

啊啊啊啊啊，小结了，这位兄台，您的作文：
1.规规矩矩，是很正统的文章，开头段点出主题，后二段分别采用point+details之势，到最后收尾呼应一段主体，赞一个。
2.但。。。字数少了些（对于字数同样少的可怜的我就不多说了）；
3.文中有些语法错误需要多加注意，最好在打完之后，留些时间快速浏览检查一遍遍。
4.对于一些词语的用法，尽量高级邪恶一些，要富于变化，当然提到变化，句式的多样性在托福这个小生态中也是有必要的。。。

最后，鄙人挫见，仅供参考。

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-25 21:22
0824 TPO18
（20min,230words）

The passage puts forward three ways to prevent Torreya taxifoha, a tree in Florida, from extinction. However, the professor in the lecture says that none of the solution will be worked and gives her reasons and evidence as follow.

To begin with, the idea mentioned in the passage that reestablishing the tree in the same location in Florida may not make sense, according to the professor. She pointed out that as the climate in Florida has changed a lot during the thousands of years, the place is warmer and drier than before, which is not suitable for Torreya to live in.

In addition, the passage put out another solution that planted the tree in a different region. But that is strongly opposite by the professor. She argues that this might cause biology disaster like the black tree in the past, which spread so quickly after planted in another place, killing many other local trees and consequently, even causing some of them extinct.

Lastly, the claim gave out by the passage that preserve the tree in research center does not work, neither. The professor tells that Torreya need enough room to growth and a vast place to spread its seeds and saplings, which cannot be forded by the research centers. Thus, even if this way can prevent the tree form dying for some time, it cannot run in a long term.

作者: Mint静默 时间: 2013-8-25 23:03
lanee童鞋你的独立呢。。。

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-26 01:51

Mint静默发表于 2013-8-25 23:03
lanee童鞋你的独立呢。。。

在这里！交迟了非常抱歉。。。

0826 independent
Do you agree or disagree that the rules in societies today are too strict for young people.
（50min 349words)

In today's competitive society, more and more people begin to aware of the importance of obeying the rules. However, at the same time, a claim also put forward by some people that this rules are too strict for young adults. This cannot be true. On the contrary, today's society gives the young people much more chances and room than the past to grow freely.

To begin with, internet, the most convenient and strongest tool, is now a common thing to the youth. As internet enlarged the world people could see and give young people a new way to tough the world, they could improve the world in an more flexible way. Take one of my experiences for illustration. There is just one charity which really far from my house in the region I lived in. Were there no internet, every time when I wanted do something for it, I must obey the rule of the society and walk a long way to there just for register. But with internet, I can do it in a minute! Hence, many things such as the internet today give the youth more room and chance to improve the world freely.

In addition, the society is far more liberal than before. Many unfair and strict rules to the young people such as the rule that girls cannot go to colleges as boys are canceled with the increase of people's education level. According to a recent research conducted by a group of scientist from a famous university, about 90% people agree with the idea that people are born equal and nothing is impossible with a willing heart. That undoubtedly means that more and more young people have the chance and room to change the world as they like because they were born on such a liberal society. The rules in the world have never been so loose in the past few decades.

In a nutshell, the opinion that rules today are too strict for the youth is undoubtedly incorrect. With such a strong tool and a liberal environment, young adults are much freer than before.

作者: laneesherry 时间: 2013-8-26 02:02

sherlock1992 发表于 2013-8-25 14:32
这位童鞋，改的迟了些，敬请见谅
红色修改蓝色建议高亮表赞

谢谢批改！
我会认真修改的

0823 independent writting

In today's competitive society, more and more people are awared of the importance of performing themselves well in the public, such as doing a presentation at school or at work. When it comes to whether people should prepare for the presentation a month earlier or just wait until a good idea comes out of mind, my answer is always（之前手滑打错了囧） the former, for it could increase the quality of a presentation and leave a deep impression to others.

Waiting for an idea is a waste of practicing time. If the idea did not come up until several hours before the deadline, people might not have enough time to prepare for the presentation. One of my neighbors, Abide, is a suitable case in that point. Abide never prepared for a presentation unless he thought of a good idea. Last month, a teacher asked him to give a presentation about the cars in the future. It was not until the night before the deadline that an idea came out of his mind, so Abide prepared for it hurriedly. Consequently, no one in my class understood what he wanted to show to us. Hence, waiting for an idea is risky and it is better for people to begin early.

Preparing a mouth early can leave a deep impression to others. As we all known," Practice makes perfect." Only after a lot of practices can people make an impressive presentation. Preparing a month earlier gives people enough time to practice and make the presentation a perfect one. Take one of my experiences for illustration, last week, I had to put out a presentation about what the city looks like in the past. I began to prepare for it a month earlier and searched a great deal of information about cities and buildings in it. Finally, I performed really well and successed. If I did not start so early, I might never gain so much approval.

In a nutshell, as people do not have a second chance to give others a first impression, it's better for them to prepare for a presentation earlier and make it perfect by practice

作者: Mint静默 时间: 2013-8-26 12:04
昨天的修改

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