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标题: 【Evidence】北美01.08.2013 JJ Fish Consumption VS. Prevention of Colds VS. Reduction [打印本页]

作者: 麻倉枼 时间: 2013-1-17 16:34
标题: 【Evidence】北美01.08.2013 JJ Fish Consumption VS. Prevention of Colds VS. Reduction
统计过时间了，首先不知道自己写得怎么样，不过包括看题，思考，列举提纲，然后把作文写出来，
总共花了35min 53sec。。超时了怎么破。。

(35min53sec, Word: 561, 修改过后549)

还是那句吧，谢谢大家的批改。。

作者: 普渡哥 时间: 2013-1-18 09:43

(35min53sec, Word: 561, 修改过后 549)

Fish Consumption VS. Prevention of Colds VS.Reduction of Absenteeism
The following reportappeared in the newsletter of the West Meria Public Health Council.
"An innovativetreatment has come to our attention that promises to significantly reduceabsenteeism in our schools and workplaces. A study reports that in nearby EastMeria, where fish consumption is very high, people visit the doctor only onceor twice per year for the treatment of colds. Clearly, eating a substantialamount of fish can prevent colds. Since colds represent the most frequentlygiven reason for absences from school and work, we recommend the daily use ofIchthaid—a nutritional supplement derived from fish oil—as a good way toprevent colds and lower absenteeism."
Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence isneeded to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken orstrengthen the argument.

In this report, the author suggestseating fish can significantly reduce absenteeism in people’s schools andworkplaces. The author provides several seemingly convincible evidences tosupport his recommendation. However, by a close scrutiny of these facts, thereare rife of flaws that actually undermine the author’s recommendation andtherefore they are not reliable.
First of all, the author provides afact that people living nearby East Meria, where fish consumption, visit thedoctor only once or twice per year for the treatment of colds. This fact may bepersuasive if the author provides enough information to prove people over thereare healthy because they eat fish. However, as matter of fact, the author onlymakes up an assumption which people live there must eat a lot of fish or theylike to eat fish because East Meria is a place where fish consumption is veryhigh. In addition, the author assumes that people are healthy there becausethey eat fish. It is possible people over there are healthy because they do alot of exercises in a daily routine, or they eat some other healthy food a lotinstead of fish. Without providing specific records or information aboutpeople’s daily life in nearby East Meria to prove they are healthy because theyeat a lot of fish, the author fails to persuade readers by using this evidence.
Secondly, the author says in thereport that colds represent the most frequently given reason for absences fromschool and work. The author assumes that people are absent from school and workbecause of colds only, which does not make any sense in the real-life scenarios.Admittedly, people can be absent because of cold, however, there are so manyother reasons why people are absent: family issues such as someone who passesaway, friends visiting, and car accidents, etc. Then, the author follows upafter this nonsensical fact by suggesting eating a substantial amount of fish.The author assumes that eating a lot of fish can prevent cold. However, it isnot always the case. The author overlooks that fact that not all people can eatfish; some people are allergic to fish, and if that assumption is true, thesepeople must be sick very frequently.
At last, based on the second facts,the author recommends the daily use of Ichthaid, a nutritional supplementderived from fish oil to prevent colds and lower absenteeism. It seems reasonable andingenuous, but it fails to prove the validity of this nutritional supplement.It may contain some other elements that cause people sickness. Other than that,the author assumes fish oil contains every necessary element that is healthyfor people from fish; fish oil is not the same as eating fish in this case.Therefore, without providing specific information such as whether thisnutritional supplement contains side effects, or some persuasive survey such asnumber of people who are representative prove its validity, the author cannotconvince readers to by using this fact.
In summary, eating fish may definitely be oneof the recommended ways to be healthy, as the author proposes in this report. However,the author fails to strengthen his provided facts by showing reliable data andevidence. This may only undermines his recommendation, and readers will not bepersuasive at this point.

- Clearly, eating a substantial amount of fish can prevent colds.
o recommend the daily use of Ichthaid—a nutritional supplementderived from fish oil to prevent Colds and L.A.

Evidence:
- need to prove people are healthy from eatingfish at E.M.
- need to prove cold is the reason for A. fromschool and work;
- need DATA for I.

Facts:
- A study reports that in nearby East Meria, where fishconsumption is very high, people visit the doctor only once or twice per yearfor the treatment of colds.
- Since colds represent the most frequently given reason forabsences from school and work,

作者: 普渡哥 时间: 2013-1-18 09:47
In summary, eating fish may definitely be one of the recommended ways to be healthy, as the author proposes in this report. However,the author fails to strengthen his provided facts by showing reliable data and evidence.

这句话改成这样是不是更合理？

In summary, eating fish may definitely be one of the recommended ways to be healthy as the author proposes in this report， however,the author fails to strengthen his supporting facts by showing reliable data and evidence.

作者: 麻倉枼 时间: 2013-1-18 11:54

In summary, eating fish may definitely be one of the recommended ways to be healthy, as the author proposes in this report. However,the author fails to strengthen his provided facts by showing reliable data and evidence.

这句话改成这样是不是更合理？

In summary, eating fish may definitely be one of the recommended ways to be healthy as the author proposes in this report， however,the author fails to strengthen his supporting facts by showing reliable data and evidence.

-- by 会员普渡哥 (2013/1/18 9:47:21)

都可以吧，改成你那个版本的话我会用"but"。
请问我写得怎么样了？哪里需要思考一下？

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