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标题: 【alternative explanation】终于有时间写文章了！！！UltraClean VS. Reduction of Bacteria Popula [打印本页]

作者: 麻倉枼 时间: 2013-1-15 11:42
标题: 【alternative explanation】终于有时间写文章了！！！UltraClean VS. Reduction of Bacteria Popula
30min 33sec, 643 words

改了以后653字，
提纲准了一个小时多，几乎是看了攻略才想到提纲怎么写的，所以也算是“模仿”了吧？
真正要写的时候哪有那么多时间准备提纲啊。。
根本想不出来要写什么。。
请批改，谢谢。。

作者: 竹林中人 时间: 2013-1-15 20:17

(30min 33sec, 643 words)

UltraClean VS. Reduction of Bacteria Population

The following appeared in a memo from the director of a large group of hospitals.
"In a controlled laboratory study of liquid hand soaps, a concentrated solution of extra strength UltraClean hand soap produced a 40 percent greater reduction in harmful bacteria than did the liquid hand soaps currently used in our hospitals. During our recent test of regular-strength UltraClean with doctors, nurses, and visitors at our hospital in Worktown, the hospital reported significantly fewer cases of patient infection (a 20 percent reduction) than did any of the other hospitals in our group. The explanation for the 20 percent reduction in patient infections is the use of UltraClean soap."
Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.

  The memo from the director of a large group of hospitals suggests to use the extra strength UltraClean hand soap for killing bacteria and thus effectively prevent patient infections in the hospital. While the memo provides two seemingly agreeable facts to support this recommendation, they are actually rife with flaws and misconceptions that the director perhaps needs some more of the alternative explanations to support it这句话是有问题的，更多的解释不是为了支持题目的结论而是rival结论，所以这里准确的说话是作者需要排除掉其他的可能性，否则就会使得结论的说服力削弱.
  对于调查的质疑，我觉得这段重点放在，study是否做的全面，试验次数是否够多，假如说只有一次，那么40%的数据就毫无说服力。

First of all, the director provides a fact that the UltraClean hand soap produced a 40 percent greater reduction in harmful bacteria than did the liquid hand soaps currently used in their hospitals in a controlled laboratory study of liquid hand soaps. This fact may seem strong to supports the director’s recommendation, however, when it is closely scrutinized, it is not always the case. 像这种废话建议以后少写。This study is an experiment, which might contain constricted conditions just for the study and that cannot conclude the overall result.这里我觉得你有必要点明下，因为你只说了一半。 Perhaps the UltraClean hand soap (U.C.H.S) might not be effective in killing bacteria when the it comes to the interaction with some other chemical materials such as plastic gloves, or perhaps it simply cannot kill the specific bacteria that the patients got infected. The director needs to provide alternative situations which can strength the reliability of the U.C.H.S because in this fact, the condition is definitely limited. Otherwise, this fact has no power to support his recommendation.

  Furthermore, because of this uncertainty described above, one can also tell that there may be even stronger hand soap as recommendations than the U.C.H.S.; the study is only based on the comparison between the U.C.H.S. and the hand soap from their hospital. Without further detail or explanation about this fact, the director fails to support his recommendation.这点可放在最后说。
  In addition of the first fact, the director provides another fact which is the record 这四个词没必要that there are significantly fewer cases of patient infection (a 20 percent reduction) than did any of the other hospitals in their group.than前后的谓语动词不一致。 As reliable as it may seem, the fact is as the first one to be unconvincible. 语言表达最好干净利落些，不必要加那么多可有可无的东西The fact only provides the result that there is 20 percent reduction of patient infection in the hospital of the Worktown, but this percentage can be changed significantly based on the total number of people in the hospital. Perhaps there are only few numbers of patients in the hospital, or perhaps there are simply less patients got infected, as the director assumes. Also, even this data is correct, the director cannot assume that the reduction of infection comes from the usage of the U.C.H.S.; It is not correct at all.你怎么能这么肯定 There can be other conditions that can reduce the infection. It is possible that the reduction of infection succeeds because the sanity of the hospital is increased, or the environment of the hospitals is improved. To take the explanation of the flaw contained in this second fact even further, the U.S.H.S. might not be able to prevent any kinds of infection because there are various kinds of bacteria that can cause different kinds of infection. Therefore, if the director wants to strengthen his second fact, he must provide alternative explanation about it, or this fact is too weak to support his recommendation.

  In summary, the director has a right approach to provide evidences that contain data and experimental results for his recommendation, which may be really a benefit for prevention of patient infection, he overlooks so many alternative situations that may undermine his incipient purpose. In order to support his recommendation, he needs to provide some other reliable data that can prove the U.S.H.S. is the best among any other hand soaps, and he needs to provide the correct records to show it is effective for any kinds of infections. At last, he needs to provide the reliable information that the reduction of infection actually comes from the usage of the U.S.H.S. That way the recommendation will be useful and easily be succeeded.

作者: 竹林中人 时间: 2013-1-15 20:20
1.该点透的一定要点透，不要说一半。再就是能不写的就不写，尽量精简，语言这东西，不要玩复杂，写长句也是为了更加精炼，而不是为了增加句子的复杂性。
2.你不要再参考别人的了，不然你写了这么多都白写了，没有达到训练的效果，总为别人的想法和表达束缚了。至于为什么你想不到内容，我觉得你还是思考少了，思考不够不到位，然后对别人的攻略啥的有依赖了。

作者: 麻倉枼 时间: 2013-1-15 22:57

1.该点透的一定要点透，不要说一半。再就是能不写的就不写，尽量精简，语言这东西，不要玩复杂，写长句也是为了更加精炼，而不是为了增加句子的复杂性。
2.你不要再参考别人的了，不然你写了这么多都白写了，没有达到训练的效果，总为别人的想法和表达束缚了。至于为什么你想不到内容，我觉得你还是思考少了，思考不够不到位，然后对别人的攻略啥的有依赖了。

-- by 会员竹林中人 (2013/1/15 20:20:38)

好的，我尽量锻炼一下自己的逻辑思维。。我的确有点急了，很快要考了。。所以。。
至于你说点透的那部分，后面两个perhaps不是为了这点而存在的么？还是说一开始就要说明exp 不等于 real-life，然后再perhaps它可能在某种化学情况下它变得无效。。之类的

作者: 杨姝云 时间: 2013-1-16 01:00
我觉得大致就这样定型应该就不错了，如楼上版主提到的，我看似乎所有高分的范文里大家都把怎么改善作者的观点放在段末写。。。。我的对把改善放在段末来写的理解是可能这个就相当于“提出问题，分析问题，解决问题”这个过程，应该也相当于是一个有逻辑的思考过程

作者: 麻倉枼 时间: 2013-1-16 09:26

我觉得大致就这样定型应该就不错了，如楼上版主提到的，我看似乎所有高分的范文里大家都把怎么改善作者的观点放在段末写。。。。我的对把改善放在段末来写的理解是可能这个就相当于“提出问题，分析问题，解决问题”这个过程，应该也相当于是一个有逻辑的思考过程

-- by 会员杨姝云 (2013/1/16 1:00:35)

很多情况下我情愿在每一段的结尾踢出自己的意见而不是放在总结那，理由其实很简单，怕自己忘记，而且这样conclusion可以结束得快点，方便时间不够的是时候还能完善掉结尾部分。。

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