ChaseDream

标题: 即日起开始无限制帮各位修改作文 [打印本页]

作者: rio 时间: 2013-1-8 22:32
标题: 即日起开始无限制帮各位修改作文
本人考过托福GMAT也教过托福，读过MBA，想趁闲暇之余回馈一下CD，即日起帮各位考生修改作文。大家把写好的作文发到rioxn(A) hotmail.com。保证一星期内修改完毕，并且贴在这个贴子里和大家分享。

字数不足300的不修改
完全套用模板的不修改
自己没有spell check的不修改

如果你还在纠结什么才是复习写作的最好方法，那么开始动手吧，写第一篇文章就是最好的方法。

作者: 缺月挂疏桐 时间: 2013-1-9 17:29
Question:
The following appeared in a memorandum from the marketing department of a children’s clothing manufacturer:
“Our HuggyBunny brand is the bestselling brand of children’s clothing.

arents everywhere recognize the HuggyBunny logo as a mark of quality, and most of our customers show great brand loyalty. Sales reports have shown that parents are more likely to buy children’s clothes with the familiar HuggyBunny brand and logo than otherwise identical clothes without it. Therefore, if we use the HuggyBunny brand name and logo for the new line of clothing for teenagers that our company will soon be introducing, that clothing will sell better than it would if we labeled it with a new brand name and logo.”

?Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. In your discussion be sure to analyze the line of reasoning and the use of evidence in the argument. For example, you may need to consider what questionable assumptions underlie the thinking and what alternative explanations or counterexamples might weaken the conclusion. You can also discuss what sort of evidence would strengthen or refute the argument, what changes in the argument would make it more logically sound, and what, if anything, would help you better evaluate its conclusion.

MY WORK:

The author of the argument advices the manufacturer to use the Huggy Bunny brand name and logo for its new line of clothing for teenagers to ensure large sales for the reason that this brand has shared great reputation among the market of children 's clothing and has remained a large base of loyal customers. though at first glance, the reason seems plausible, but after considering it carefully, you can find that the argument is seriously flawed for it forgets to consider some very important factors.

Firstly, the author tries to apply what he or she observes in the children’s clothing market to the teenager's clothing market, a totally different market from the former one. There is no doubt that they share a distinctive customer base. Since the specific brand is the bestselling brand of only children 's clothing, the parents whose children are teenagers may not be familiar with the brand, and thus the expectation that using the same brand will boot the sales of the new line of teenager's clothing might not work at all.

Secondly, the argument cited the sales reports to say that provided with the identical children 's clothes, the parents are more likely to choose the clothes with Huggy Bunny brand and logo, Since there is no more information about the sales reports, we might suspect the validity of it: is it fully representative if the parents it interviewed are limited only within a certain district? Or does it cover the sufficient number of parents interviewed to ensure the outcome is not an accident event? If the reports proved false ,it may not serve as a evidence for the parents' preference for the certain brand. Besides, even though the sales reports proved to be ture, the parents involved are just more likely to buy children' s clothing, whether they will do so when choosing the teenagers' clothing cannot be drawn out of this evidence.

In clonclusion, we could see that since the argument made a false analogy between two different markets and falsely assumed that they are the same, the argument is seriously flawed. To strengthen the it, the author needs to state more simlilarities between the children's clothing market and the teenagers' clothing market to justify his or her analogy. Besides, the author should say more about the details of the sales reports to prove its validity. Only in this way does this argument look more convincing than it previously did.

感觉思路还是有点乱。。而且攻击的点好像不多。。求大牛拍。。谢谢~

作者: 毛毛carina 时间: 2013-1-10 21:43
顶斑竹～

作者: dudley8888 时间: 2013-1-16 14:46
这个好~

作者: cyuyolanda 时间: 2013-2-12 13:42
. The following appeared as part of an article in the education section of a Waymarsh City newspaper.
“Throughout the last two decades, those who earned graduate degrees found it very difficult to get jobs teaching their academic specialties at the college level. Those with graduate degrees from Waymarsh University had an especially hard time finding such jobs. But better times are coming in the next decade for all academic job seekers, including those from Waymarsh. Demographic trends indicate that an increasing number of people will be reaching college age over the next ten years; consequently, we can expect that the job market will improve dramatically for people seeking college-level teaching positions in their fields.”
Discuss how well reasoned... etc.

In this argument the newspaper predicts that graduates who are seeking teaching positions will find it easier to get employed in the near future. To support this argument, the author points out a demographic increase of college-aged students in the following decade. With incresing number of students attending college, the author assumes that college teachers are in great need. As a result, more academic-related jobs are available for job seekers and the difficult situation to find jobs will be improved. At first glance, the author’s conclusion seems convincing, but with a closer examination, we can see how groundless it is. The argument is problematic for the following flaws.
First of all, as the number of college-aged juveniles increases, the author concludes that colleges and universities will urge to recruit more teachers to instruct them. However, in no case can this mere fact be cited as an evidence to support the assumption that there is a causal relationship between this demographic increase and the recruitment of new teachers into universities. No evidence provided shows that colleges will consequently take in more students in the next decade than at this moment. It is likely that the universities will not change their admission number because they are unable to afford higher costs to meet the equipment requirements of more students. Even if we grant the preceding assumption that more students will be enrolled, there is no guarantee that new instructors are in need. If the teacher-student ratio rises from one to twenty to one to thirty, the same number of teachers can still handle this situation by adding more students in a class. If this is the case, no positions are created. Consequently, the situation that the graduate students are having a difficult time finding jobs can no way be improved.
Secondly, the author gratuitously assumes that most college-aged young people will choose to pursue a degree in colleges. No evidence provided by the arguer that the students all aim at attending college when they reach that age. It might turn out that a large number of college-aged people choose to directly enter the work force. Thus the college enrollment will nearly stay constant and the universities have no reasons to change their recruiting plan.
Last but not least, the author does not provide any clue of the current job market condition in the field of teaching positions. The market might has reached saturation, that is to say, it will always be hard to be a member of the faculty in universities because the supply is many times higher than the demand. As a result, even if there is a slight increase in the demand of instructors, the situation will not alter much.
To sum up, the conclusion lacks credibility because the evidence cited in
the analysis does not lend strong support to what the author claims. To make the argument more convincing concerning the better job situation for graduates seeking college-level teaching positions, the arguer would have to provide the information that among college-aged students, most of them are expecting to pursue a college degree. The arguer should also demonstrate that universities will certainly employ more teachers to face the demographic boom and that the competition in job market is not extremely fierce to make this argument logically acceptable.

Rio的修改意见：
两头太大,中间的内容比较短,最好的结构应该是首尾一长一短，都长或者都短不太好。
漏掉一个论点: But better times are coming in the next decade for all academic job seekers, including those from Waymarsh.你应该质疑的是waymarsh就业不好也许是他们学校的问题，而不是市场的问题。类似的flaw很好找，方法是认真批判题目的每一句话。
我给4-4.5分。继续努力。

试着两句合成一句，4.5分的作文和5分的作文差别就在于能不能把中心意思在第一句表达清楚。
This argument is weak and vague. 作者说了in the past decades the job markets were weak.
试着把这一段缩短到100字。

感谢~继续加油。。还有20天

作者: rio 时间: 2013-2-19 23:20
楼上的最好是贴附件，不然很多tracking changes都看不到

作者: rio 时间: 2013-2-19 23:20
发到邮箱里吧rioxn(A) hotmail.com

作者: 261027078 时间: 2013-3-10 23:52
The following appeared in a memorandum from the owner of carlo’s Clothing to the staff.
“Since disc Depot, the music store on the nest block, began a new radio advertising campaign last year, its business has grown dramatically, as evidenced by the large increase in foot traffic into the store. While the Disc Depot’s owners have apparently become wealthy enough to retire, profits at Carlo’s Clothing have remained stagnant for the past three years. In order to boost our sales and profts, we should therefore switch from newspaper advertising to frequent radio advertisements like those for Disc Depot.”

In this argument, the arguer concludes that in order to boost the sales and profits of Carlo's Clothing, the store should switch from newspaper advertising to frequent radio advertisements like those for Disc Depot. i cannot agree with it for the following reasons.

First, it goes without saying that the arguer makes the hasty-generalization fallacy. The arguer assumes that the business of Disc Depot has grown due to its new radio advertising campaign. This assumption is questionable because it overlooks some factors that may explain the increase in business. For example, the economic has been booming since last year, bring more leisure time and extra money for people to have some entertainment. It is the increase in economy that causes the great profits of Disc Depot. Or the Disc Depot has increased its quality of CDs and introduced more types of music videos, causing the increase in foot traffic into the store. Obviously, the arguer has drawn to the conclusion too rashly due to ignorance of other factors such as other changes of the Disco Depot.

The second problem is that the arguer makes the fallacy of faulty analogy, The arguer implies that same method that brought increase in profits of a music store will applies to a cloth store. However, common sense tells that this assumption is problematic. We cannot neglect some essential differences that make the comparison nonsense. For instance, people who like to listen to music usually like to listen to the radio as well. They often turn on radios to find out good music. Consequently, advertisements about music do impact them. In contrast, advertisements about cloth may not be that attractive because those who often listen to the radio may not care much about cloth. Thus, unless the arguer can prove that radio advertisements about cloth will cause the same effect as those about music, the argument is unwarranted and unjustified.

Third, Implicit in this argument is the thought that Carlo will boost its slaes and profits once they switch to frequent radio advertisements. However, this assumption is groundless because the author ignores the fact that Carlo’s stagnant business might be due to other factors such as internal management and quality of services. For example, Ineffective management,may cause excessive costs and thus impede Carlo’s profits . Consequently, the conclusion is much weakened because the situation of Carlo will not improve even if a new kind of advertisement is adopted.
In sum, the argument is not that valid as it stands. Accordingly, it is premature for the arguer to conclude that the store should switch from newspaper advertising to frequent radio advertisements like those for Disc Depot to stimulate sales and profits. To strengthen the argument, the arguer would have to provide more information to show that the success of Disc Depot is due to the radio advertising campaign, and demonstrate that the same radio advertising campaign will guarantee the success of Carlo’s Clothing. Only with more convincing evidence could this argument become more than an emotional appeal.

以上是RIO版主帮我修改过的文章，非常感谢，原来的文章（RIO评分4.5）我也贴上。
In this argument, the arguer concludes that in order to boost the sales and profits of Carlo's Clothing, the store should switch from newspaper advertising to frequent radio advertisements like those for Disc Depot. To support this conclusion, the arguer points out several reasons. First of all, the arguer states that the music store, Disc Depot, has increased its business and profits since it began a new radio advertising campaign last year. Moreover, the arguer claims that profits of Carlo's Clothing have remained the same for the past three years while the music store has made a lot of profits. Thereby, the arguer jumps to the conclusion that Carlo's Clothing should advertise on radios. At first glance, the argument seems somehow convincing, but further reflection tells me that this conclusion is based on some dubious assumption and is biased due to the inadequacy of evidence cited. Thus, i cannot agree with it for the following reasons.

First, it goes without saying that the arguer makes the hasty-generalization fallacy. The arguer assumes that the business of Disc Depot has grown due to its new radio advertising campaign. This assumption is questionable because it overlooks some factors that may explain the increase in business. For example, the economic has been booming since last year, bring more leisure time and extra money for people to have some entertainment. It is the increase in economy that causes the great profits of Disc Depot. Or the Disc Depot has increased its quality of CDs and introduced more types of music videos, causing the increase in foot traffic into the store. Obviously, the arguer has drawn to the conclusion too rashly due to ignorance of other factors such as other changes of the Disco Depot.

The second problem is that the arguer makes the fallacy of faulty analogy, The arguer implies that same method that brought increase in profits of a music store will applies to a cloth store. However, common sense tells me that this assumption is problematic. We can not neglect some essential differences that make the comparison nonsense. For instance, people who like to listen to music usually like to listen to the radio as well. They often turn on radios to find out good music. Consequently, advertisements about music do impact them. In contrast, advertisements about cloth may not be that attractive because those who often listen to the radio may not care much about cloth. Thus, unless the arguer can prove that radio advertisements about cloth will cause the same effect as those about music, the argument is unwarranted and unjustified.

In sum, the argument is not that valid as it stands. Accordingly, it is premature for the arguer to conclude that the store should switch from newspaper advertising to frequent radio advertisements like those for Disc Depot to stimulate sales and profits. To strengthen the argument, the arguer would have to provide more information to show that the success of Disc Depot is due to the radio advertising campaign. In addition, to justify the argument, the arguer should provide concrete evidence to demonstrate that the same radio advertising campaign will guarantee the success of Carlo’s Clothing. Only with more convincing evidence could this argument become more than an emotional appeal.

作者: 眷恋花香 时间: 2013-4-13 13:23
谢谢老师帮忙修改！只用了两天就收到回复了！这是老师给的修改建议，刚刚收到，还没有重写。
附上附件。
44. The following is part of a business plan created by the management of the Megamart grocery store.
“Our total sales have increased this year by 20 percent since we added a pharmacy section to our grocery store. Clearly, the customer’s main concern is the convenience afforded by one-stop shopping. The surest way to increase our profits over the next couple of years, therefore, is to add a clothing department along with an automotive supplies and repair shop. We should also plan to continue adding new departments and services, such as a restaurant and a garden shop, in subsequent years. Being the only store in the area that offers such a range of services will give us a competitive advantage over other local stores.”
Discuss how well reasoned... etc.

In the argument the management of the Megamart grocery store gives some suggestions to increase profits of the store. It states that because the store added a pharmacy section, the revenue of the store increased and thus recommends the store to add a clothing department along with an automotive supplies and repair shop to satisfy customers' one-stop shopping concern. Then it further suggests that the store continue adding new departments and services to make it more competitive. This argument is not convincing for it suffers from several critical flaws.[这一段写的不错]

Firstly, the management takes it for granted that the increase of revenue comes from the adding of a pharmacy section of the grocery store, but it falls into a fallacy that because the increase and the adding occurs simultaneously, one must has caused the other. No evidence has been showed in this argument to prove the department's statement. Only the coincidence of the two things is not persuasive. The department manager should compare its revenue growth from respective product lines so as to identify the actual contribution of pharmacy.

Secondly, the management has failed to take other factors into consideration.[这一句写的不好，因为太万能了，太万能的句子其实是万万不能。建议是：把other factors具体化，比如profit and cost…] According to the unclearly proved assumption that the customer's main concern is the convenience afforded by one-stop shopping in this argument, the management concludes that the best way to increase profits is to set up a clothing department with automotive supplies and repair shop. As we all know that profits come from the difference between revenue and cost. Solely increase the revenue can bring more profits only when the cost has not increased. Moreover, the other way to increase is to decrease the cost. Thus the management's reasoning and suggestion are questionable.

Thirdly, the management's proposal to add new departments and services is problematic as well. More departments and services will take up a part of finance and resources used for old departments and services therefore may do harm to the whole grocery store. Even the solution can be useful, other local stores may copy the patten and thus make the competitive advantage of the Megamart grocery store disappear.[这一段的论证比较勉强。应该说的是，作者做了一个错误的类比，即把pharmacy的成功推广到“开一家成功一家”，但实际上不同行业在当地可能状况完全不同，也许他附近只有这一家药店呢，也许附近已经有很多家修车店呢。]

Therefore, the management 's line of reasoning and suggestion are not compelling. To strengthen the argument, the management would have to further demonstrate that the adding of the pharmacy has indeed caused the increase of revenue, that the cost of the grocery store in the next several years will not increase, that the new departments and services will bring more benefits than loss, and that competitors will not copy the solution.

整体来说，基本功不错，但是论证比较混乱。一个好的论证应该层层递进，比如先说一点，再说即使这一点成立，还有什么问题，最后再说如果作者要断定xx，必须还要保证xxxx。总之，给人一种循序渐进，把思维的漏洞一点一点得关上。
5分。

作者: soooooohot 时间: 2013-4-18 02:15
M！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！
THX！！！！！！！！！！！！

作者: frankiepn 时间: 2013-5-3 23:38
发了一篇。。。。作文现在好头痛啊。。学校要求5分啊。。。真是不知道如何下手了

作者: frankiepn 时间: 2013-5-4 23:01
没想到这么快就收到回复，谢谢Rio的批改和评分！！以下贴出来Rio的修改意见：

题目：

The following appeared in an editorial from a newspaper serving the town of Saluda:
“The Saluda Consolidated High School offers more than 200 different courses from which its students can choose. A much smaller private school down the street offers a basic curriculum of only 80 different courses, but it consistently sends a higher proportion of its graduating seniors on to college than Consolidated does. By eliminating at least half of the courses offered there and focusing on a basic curriculum, we could improve student performance at Consolidated and also save many tax dollars.”
Discuss how well reasoned . . . etc.

My work:

In this argument, the author concludes that the Saluda Consolidated High School should eliminate at least half of the courses and focus on a basic curriculum so that it can improve student performance and save tax dollars. To buttress this proposition, the arguer points out that a much smaller private school offers only 80 courses but sends a higher proportion of its graduating seniors on to college than Consolidated does. At first glance, the argument appears to have some merits. Close scrutiny, however, reveals various logical flaws that render the author’s line of reasoning questionable.

To begin with, the evidence the author provides in insufficient to validate the conclusion drawn from it. The only evidence in this argument is the proportion of a certain small school’s graduating seniors on to college. Figures of one school are logically unsounded to establish a general conclusion unless it can be shown that this school is representative of all schools. It is possible that, other private schools offer similar number of course but didn’t reach the proportion. In fact, in face of such limited evidence, the claim is unwarranted.

Furthermore, even if it is granted that the private school mentioned is representative of overall schools,[这里写的很好，可以加0.5] it is highly doubtful that the facts drawn from a particular school are applicable to Consolidated School. For instance, it is possible that the private school is located in the out skirt of a city so the students there have a good atmosphere to study while the Consolidated School is located in the city center so the student would spent more time for entertain if the Consolidated cut its courses. Accordingly, it is premature to assert that the Consolidated School will experience the same consequence after cutting its courses as the private school did.[这部分的论证重点应该是：学生的差异可能导致升学率的差异，而不是课程的选择。]

Last but not least, the author commits a fallacy of causal oversimplification. The line of reasoning is that the private school a basic curriculum of only 80 different courses, so it consistently sends a higher proportion of its graduating seniors on to college than Consolidated does. However, this reasoning is irrational[这个用词有点太重，不要说原作者irrational，但是可以说flawed。] unless other possible causal factors have been considered and ruled out. For example, perhaps the private school only accepts high level students or perhaps in the private school, teachers’ ability is much higher than that of the Consolidated School. [这一段开头的论点很不错，因为很多人想不到。说明你已经具备了七宗罪得基本分析，但是后面的举例应该说：也许是也许课程少和成绩好都只是一种现象，他们同时出现不代表有因果。注意！！！这种分析是最能拿高分的，基本上能分析出这一点，就能加一分。]Thus, any decision aimed at addressing the Consolidated School’s low proportion of graduating seniors on to college must be based on a more thorough investigation to gather data in order to locate the actual cause of this issue.

To sum up, this argument is somewhat defective and hence is not reasonable and persuasive as it stands. To solidify the conclusion, the author should provide more reliable evidence to demonstrate that the private school is representative of all schools, and that the high proportion of the private school’s graduating seniors on to college is due to its courses numbers. Only with more convincing evidence could this argument become more than just an emotional appeal.

总分4.5，如果能把我提到的两点加进去，5.5。

作者: hemodata 时间: 2013-6-22 22:29
Rio真的回复的好快阿！非常感谢！最后一段还没来得及按照建议修改：

题目：
52. The following editorial appeared in the Elm City paper.
“The construction last year of a shopping mall in downtown Oak City was a mistake. Since the mall has opened, a number of local businesses have closed, and the downtown area suffers from an acute parking shortage, and arrests for crime and vagrancy have increased in the nearby Oak City Park. Elm City should pay attention to the example of the Oak City mall and deny the application to build a shopping mall in Elm City.”

我的正文：（Word Count: 519）
In the argument, the author states that since the opening of the shopping mall, there has been a series of problems in Oak City, including the closure of local businesses, parking shortage in the downtown area and increasing arrests of crime and vagrancy. Consequently, the author believes that the construction of Oak City mall was a mistake and suggests Elm City to deny the application to build a shopping mall. However, there are several flaws in the author's line of reasoning, which have weakened the argument.
Most conspicuously, the author assumes the build of the shopping mall has resulted in all the problems mentioned above. But the only evidence offered is that the former occurred before the latter. Perhaps there are other factors caused the problems. First, if some of the local businesses had poor management even before last year, their recent closures might have little to do with the opening of a new shopping mall. Second, if the numbers of automobiles are increasing rapidly in Oak City this year, there might also be a shortage of car parking area, despite whether the new shopping mall have attracted more customers than the closed ones did in the past. Finally, for the increasing of arrests for crime and vagrancy, maybe that is a result of improving efficiency of local police. Before all these factors are carefully considered and ruled out, the argument is dubious at best.
Moreover, even if the construction of a new shopping mall does cause a number of problems, solely focusing on its negative effects is unfair. Opening shopping malls could be beneficial for the local residents. For example, new shopping malls might provide new job vacancies and a more convenient way for people to purchase daily supplies. It may raise the tax revenue of the local government as well. If the benefits overweigh the disadvantages, it would not make sense to deny the application to build a new shopping mall in Elm City. Therefore, a cost benefit analysis must be made when evaluate the suggestion from the author.

Finally, even if all the problems happen in Oak City are due to the construction of the mall, it is not guaranteed that the same things will happen in Elm City. Opening a new shopping mall might be a potential inducement to high criminal rites, crowded neighborhoods and fierce competitions between the new business and local shops. But whether these will become true still depend on other factors, such as local regulations, current status of local retail industry and the details of the parking areas in Elm City. Without information of relevant factors and a comprehensive analysis, the argument is not convincing.

To sum up, the argument is not compelling to me because the author fails to build any causal relationship between the opening of the shopping mall and the problems happened in the Oak City. To strengthen the argument, the author should analyze both the cost and benefit of opening a shopping mall in Elm City. To further evaluate the argument, I would also like to know more about the similarities between Elm City and Oak City.

我的两个疑问：

1、 Finally那一段：我的论点是在Oak发生的事情不一定会发生在Elm。觉得这个论点不错，但自己的论述空泛。虽然在修改的时候已经增加两句，但还是觉得不够具体。也没有找到合适的参考文章。不知道Rio对此有什么建议吗？

2、结尾段：我是把针对前面三段的内容小结拆开来写了，有点像“批判原文错误-给建议-提出还需要什么信息来完善”的结构。不知道这样可以吗？还是说应该一次性把三个问题都再列一遍，如果有时间再给一点建议什么的。
============================
Rio的回复：

我觉得你的正文已经写得非常好了，基本上没有要修改的。

第三个论点，你开头写的没问题，接下来可以强调Elm这个城市也许在种种方面和Oak不同，比如人口，商业模式等等，所以oak可能变差也可能变好。我来举个例子，你说：But whether these will become ture（拼错了） still depend on other factors, such as local regulations, current status of local retail industry and the details of the parking areas in Elm City.这里你只写出了factors，所以你觉有点欠缺。你可以说这些factor怎样怎样的话，会怎么影响，比如你可以说也许elm完全可以借鉴oak的例子，在商场多建一些立体停车场等等，这样的话就比较实在一些。

最后一段你的写法没什么问题，有总结，有展望，就足够了。

作者: rixianglanren 时间: 2013-6-28 08:50
楼大人品很高啊

作者: MangoYu 时间: 2013-6-30 18:36
Rio你好~非常感谢！大好人！作文已经发到邮箱了，请斧正。

作者: kidsu1991 时间: 2013-7-4 23:10
先谢过楼主！！！！！作文已发至邮箱。

作者: fulimin 时间: 2013-7-5 16:33
楼主，作文发到您邮箱里了，求大神修改

作者: charlotte706 时间: 2013-7-18 00:25
感谢Rio大神的指教！贴上自己的两篇作文原文以及楼主的批复！
Statement: “Motorcycle X has been manufactured in the United States for over 70 years. Although one foreign company has copied the motorcycle and is selling it for less, the company has failed to attract motorcycle X customers—some say because its product lacks the exceptionally loud noise made by motorcycle X. But there must be some other explanation. After all, foreign cars tend to be quieter than similar American-made cars, but they sell at least as well. Also, television advertisements for motorcycle X highlight its durability and sleek lines, not its noisiness, and the ads typically have voice-overs or rock music rather than engine-roar on the sound track.”

Argument:
The author argues that there must be other explanation than the absence of loud noise for the fact that the motorcycles produced by the foreign company are less attractive to customers. However, the author fails to consider some critical points when establishing the argument. [开头简单明了，很好]

Firstly, the author points out that other foreign cars that are quieter than similar American-made cars sell at least as well as the American-made ones. And based on this fact, the author concludes that the lack of loud noise in the motorcycle made by the foreign company is not the reason for its unattractiveness to the customers. However, the author fails to consider the difference between cars and motorcycles. People who buy motorcycles may not treat them as transportation tools as people who by cars do. Rather, it is likely that they view motorcycles as a way to express themselves and to capture others’ attention. And the loud noise is exactly part of the characteristics to make them stand out. It is thus inappropriate to compare foreign motorcycles to foreign cars. [很好，挑不出什么问题]

Secondly, the author states that since the TV advertisements of motorcycle X do not emphasize its loud noise, it is reasonable to infer that it is not the loud noises that make motorcycle X popular. This inference is also inappropriate because it is totally possible that the customers of motorcycle X do not watch TV, let alone to see the TV ads. In other words, it is entirely possible that the TV ads are not the major drive of the sales of motorcycle X. [太勉强。应该说，也许loud noise已经不需要在广告中提及了]

Finally, even if the customers of motorcycle X were attracted to them because of the TV ads, it might be the case that people are attracted to, not the specific characteristics that are highlighted in the ads, but the whole image of motorcycle X in the ads, which includes the noisiness. That is, people might have gained their knowledge about motorcycle X from other channels than merely TV ads, and the TV ads only serve as a catalyst for people to actually buy the motorcycles. [犯了大忌，不要和上一个论点重复讨论一件事情。]

All in all, the argument is not convincible for the reasons stated above. In order to enhance the argument, the author should either modify the conclusion or provide more information and evidence to make the argument more plausible and persuasive.
看了前半部分感觉可以给5-5.5，但是整篇文章看完只能4.5-5了。
（384词）

Statement: “Over time, the costs of processing go down because as organizations learn how to do things better, they become more efficient. In color film processing, for example, the cost of a 3-by-5-inch print fell from 50 cents for five-day service in 1970 to 20 cents for one-day service in 1984. The same principle applies to the processing of food. And since Olympic Foods will soon celebrate its 25th birthday, we can expect that our long experience will enable us to minimize costs and thus maximize profits.”

Argument:
Based on the assumption that the processing costs will go down because over time organizations become more acquainted with the technique and thus more efficient, the author made an analogy between the color film processing industry and the food processing industry and concluded that with 25-year experience, the Olympic Foods will maximize profits by minimizing costs. This argument is not substantiated because the author failed to address several critical points.

Firstly, when making the analogy, the author assumes that there is no significant difference between the color film processing industry and the food processing industry. However, the two industries are totally different in terms of technology used, target market, and market pattern. It is possible that the color film industry is more technology-intensive and thus developed much faster than the food processing industry, which is a much more traditional one. [还欠缺一点点，再深入说一句会更好，比如color film是可以不断依靠机器生产的，但食品行业很多不能实现全自动。]It is therefore not appropriate to conclude that what happened in the color film processing industry will also happen to the food processing industry.

Secondly, the author fails to consider the historical background of the development of color film processing industry when applying the exact same principle to the processing of food. Instead of adopting a more recent example, the author chose the development of color film processing industry in the 1900s as an example to illustrate his point. However, technology has greatly undermined the business world since 1900s. And it might be the case that the food processing industry now is already saturated and that the potential for improvement in the technology of food processing is already very limited. When establishing the argument, the author fails to consider this factor.

Thirdly, the argument is based on the assumption that with experience long enough, Olympic Foods will be able to minimize the costs. This assumption is poorly supported in the argument. It should be noted that it is not the time elapsed that made the processing costs go down, but the research and development activities that the organizations have been committed in. Thus more information should be provided about the R&D activities that Olympic Foods have been conducting to support the conclusion. [这一段缺乏归纳，这里犯的错误其实是把两件同时发生的事情强加了因果关系，时间流逝和科技进步只是同时发生而已，但没有因果关系。]

Finally, when drawing the conclusion, the author assumes that by minimizing the costs, Olympic Foods will be able to maximize profits. There is, however, little evidence provided to support this assumption. It is entirely possible that the competition in market of food processing industry is already very fierce and Olympic Foods are forced to lower their retail price. In this case, even with minimized costs, the company can hardly attain the goal to maximize profits.

In sum, the argument is poorly supported. To substantiate the argument, the author should include more information and evidence about the analogy made between the two industries and the about the market of food processing industry.

（463词）
第一和第四个论点可以得分，如果第三个论点按照我说的写了，这篇文章可以有5.5，但目前应该是5分。

看了楼主的批注也大概了解自己在组织论据和批驳argument的时候思路上的缺陷了，非常感谢！后天就要考试了楼主简直是救命稻草！！！！THX !!!

作者: lsshi8947 时间: 2013-8-4 20:48
前辈好，作文已发到邮箱，请指正！

作者: feliciafu1991 时间: 2013-8-5 02:29
谢谢啦~ 近期开始写AWA

作者: hopscotch123 时间: 2013-8-16 00:11
发现这么好的帖子，先谢谢rio了!

作者: TakiZhao 时间: 2013-8-18 16:32
非常感谢！！！
让我在快考试前知道段与段之间原来要空一行！！！！

作者: 258828632 时间: 2013-8-18 22:05
已发一篇！！谢谢楼主！@

作者: hemodata 时间: 2013-8-19 13:31
作文分数出来了，5.5，非常谢谢Rio点评我第一篇作文
给了我很大的信心=）

作者: iris8766 时间: 2013-8-21 22:02
97. The following appeared in a memorandum sent by a vice-president of the Nadir Company to the company’s human resources department.
“Nadir does not need to adopt the costly ‘family-friendly’ programs that have been proposed, such as part-time work, work at home, and job-sharing. When these programs were made available at the Summit Company, the leader in its industry, only a small percentage of employees participated in them. Rather than adversely affecting our profitability by offering these programs, we should concentrate on offering extensive training that will enable employees to increase their productivity.”
Discuss how well reasoned . . . etc.
In this article, the argument concludes that the Nadir company should not adopt the costly “family-friendly" programs that have been proposed, such as part-time work, work at home, and job-sharing; instead it should concentrate on offering extensive training. In the weak attempt to justify this conclusion, the argument starts out by claiming that those programs will adversely affect its profits and can not enable their employees improve their productivity. To prove its claims, the argument cites as evidence the fact that when those programs were made available in Summit Company, the leading one in this industry, only a small portion of its employees participate those programs. However plausible the above argument may sound, it is unconvincing and logically flawed for it fails to take into account of some essential considerations that must be addressed to substantiate the argument.
从"However"开始的这句话，这部分都是废话，不要重复题目的内容。-0.5

Firstly, the argument supports the claim that offering those programs will adversely affect the profitability of the Summit Company by presenting the example of Summit Company; however the link between the claim and the evidence is based on a questionable assumption that because only a small portion of employees participated those programs, Summit Company did not achieve benefits while has to pay great costs due to the adoption of those programs. However, it is possible that those participants are mainly senior managers whose work efficiency has great impact on their subordinates. Or those employees who improve their productivity by participation in those programs may force their colleague to improve their work efficiency as well. Under circumstances like those, the assumption is questionable and the evidence is insufficient to sustain the claim. 已在原文的基础上删除了一些多余的赘述“ the argument fails to present additional evidence to prove that is the case"

Secondly, the argument also assumes that like Summit Company, Nadir won't see many participants of those programs. " However such an assumption is invalid because the argument analogizes Nadir Company to Summit Company to predict the outcome of Nadir Company' adoption while provides no evidence to prove that their essential similarities such as they are in the same industry can outweigh their dissimilarities such as companies' policy and corporation culture. However" 的这句话句子好，但是没有内容，是不得分的。
Thus, many open possibilities will weaken the force of the argument. For example, that Summit Company' employees do not participate those programs may because the long-time competition atmosphere inside their company make them more self-motivated to work hard and willing to sacrifice their family time than those employees in other companies. Therefore, without solid evidence to rule out such possibilities, the questionable assumption undermines the argument. 本段的这句话是本段唯一的论点。
Finally, the argument proposes that offered only the extensive training, the employees can increase their productivity. But the argument presents no evidence to prove the effectiveness of such a proposal, thus leaving many possibilities such as the extensive training make their employees so tired that their work efficiency decreases dramatically. Or offering the mix of "family-friendly" programs and extensive training may boost the productivity more efficiently. So, without more information, it is presumptuous to reach such a conclusion in favor of the proposal.

In conclusion, this argument is not persuasive or logically sound; however, it can be improved if the argument can provide more evidence to prove that with small portion of employees participate, the company can not achieve benefits, that Nadir Company can be analogized to that Summit Company to predict the outcome of the adoption in Nadir Company, and that the proposal about concentrating on extensive training is effective in achieving the ultimate goal of increasing company's productivity.

逻辑比较混乱
应该：
第一段，Summit也许本身就不适合大规模参加
第二段，Summit和Nadir未必适用于同一套方法
第三段，Summit也许未必适用extensive training

谢谢老师的修改，给了我很大的帮助，现在比起以前我自己瞎写的时候有了很多的启发！！

作者: lyslj001 时间: 2013-8-24 23:09
啊老师一定是改gmat作文么？比如托福作文什么滴可不可以呢..

作者: lqz0927 时间: 2013-8-29 20:20
“一个好的论证应该层层递进，比如先说一点，再说即使这一点成立，还有什么问题，最后再说如果作者要断定xx，必须还要保证xxxx。总之，给人一种循序渐进，把思维的漏洞一点一点得关上。”
很有启发~~~

作者: dearinga 时间: 2013-9-1 18:41
请帮忙看看：
Argument:
TakeHeart add new recreational facilities to get competitive advantages
The following appeared as part of a business plan created by the management of the Take Heart Fitness Center:
“After opening the new swimming pool early last summer, Take Heart saw a 12 percent increase in the use of the center by its members. Therefore, in order to increase membership in Take Heart, we should continue to add new recreational facilities in subsequent years: for example, a multipurpose game room, a tennis court, and a miniature golf course. Being the only center in the area offering this range of activities would give us a competitive advantage in the health and recreation market.”
Discuss how well reasoned … etc.

my work:
In this argument, the author concludes that they should continue to invest on new recreational facilities in the following years to optimize the takeheart business. He points out that the new swimming pool opened last summer might lead to the 12% increase of membership directly/indirectly. In addition, the author reasons that takeheart center will be the unique center which offers recreational activities in the area—a quite obvious strength in the competitive market. While this argument appears to have some merits at the first glance, it suffers some critical flaws that seriously undermine the conclusion after close scrutiny of evidence, and accordingly is not thoroughly well-reasoned.
In the first place, The author argues that the 12% rise of club members relies on the unproved cause and effect relationship between new opened facilities(swimming pool ) and the approach to attract new members. However, the mere factor that the establishment of new recreational infrastructure is somewhat correlated with the growth of membership is insufficient to establish a causual relationship between two. For example, it might be so hot that residents in this area alternated to swim last summer; or other swimming pools were under reconstruction that people all poured into takeheart. Good service and cost-effective membership fee would be another key factor to attract new members.
In the second place, the author’s reasoning assumes that the favor of new recreation facilities will remain unchanged from last year to the subsequent years. Yet ,a lot of change may have taken place in the future. Investment on new facilities refers to both fund and time. It is likely that takeheart takes 1-3 years to finish all the establishments then realize that they are not attractive anymore.
In the third place, as a business plan, it is a must to have a breakeven analysis and maintain the profit. The evidence that “Last year, 12% increase” is far away from sufficient. Membership fee, service are 2 extra factors have a strong influence to recruit more customers. In a competitive circumstance, some price-sensitive customers will join other center’s due to its lower membership fee or coupon. A large customers base does not always means excellent profit. The maintenance cost of all the facilities is nonobvious but shocking in some cases, eroding profit as well. The author should take them into consideration.
To sum up, The author’s claim is not completely convincing. To make this argument more tenable, the author must do extra customer demand survey or market research to clarify the real customer needs and competitor dynamics; he should plan to have multiple approach and show in the business plan like market promotion. Besides, he also needs to do a meticulous finance analysis and evaluates all the influence factors before the huge investment.

请指教，谢谢！

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