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标题: 【alternative explanation】北美11~12月 JJ Argument：Town of Leeville VS. Town of Mason [打印本页]

作者: 麻倉枼 时间: 2012-12-24 08:14
标题: 【alternative explanation】北美11~12月 JJ Argument：Town of Leeville VS. Town of Mason
花了我一整天去研究怎么写这个提纲。。太心酸了。。只怪自己逻辑差。。不知道有没有写得对，不过这提纲很详细的，希望可以看看吧，之后我再写这篇作文，理由是：

我提及到的第二点好像有点问题。希望大家可以看看。。谢谢

--------------------更新 ---------------
添加了essay部分了，麻烦各位看看，谢谢

作者: 竹林中人 时间: 2012-12-24 10:16

Town of Leeville VS. Town of Masonton

Workers in the small town of Leeville take fewer sick days than workers in the large city of Masonton, 50 miles away. Moreover, relative to population size, the diagnosis of stress-related illness is proportionally much lower in Leeville than in Masonton. According to the Leeville Chamber of Commerce, these facts can be attributed to the health benefits of the relatively relaxed pace of life in Leeville.
Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.

Facts（事实）：
1. Fewer sick days in L than M. （L的人比M的人少请病假）
Explanation（文中解释）：
- L is smaller than M, and L is 50 miles away; （L是小镇，比M这个城市小）
- L has better health benefits than M. è assumption 3

2. The diagnosis of stress-related illness is proportionally much lower in L than M.
（L比M有更少的压抑病例）
Explanation:
- Related to population size;（这比例关系到人口数量）
- People in L has more relaxed pace of life than people in M. è assumption 4

Assumptions:
1. The assumption that the reason who people take the sick days is they are sick.
(作者假设只要请病假就是生病)

2. The assumption that the ratio of stress-related illness between L and M is totally related to the population size.
(作者假设L和M的压抑病例直接跟人口数量有关系)

/***********好像这几点跟这个Instruction无关 *************************/

3. The Assumption that L has better health benefits than M.
（作者假设L的健康福利比M好）

4. The assumption that people in L has more relaxed pace of life than people in M.
(作者假设L比M有着更轻松的生活节奏)

5. The assumption that the population size between L and M is the same;
（作者假设L和M的人口数量是一样的）

Other Explanations:
1. People who take sick days might not be sick; it is NOT related to the geographic environment;
（其他解释：针对文中解释的“L是小镇，比M这个城市小”，
人们请病假不一定生病；跟地理环境无关；）
- Perhaps some of them need to visit their friends;
- Perhaps they simply don’t want to work that much;
Etc.再或者小地方的那些workplace要求比较严，对请假要求苛刻，使得很多人不轻易请假，而大城镇workplace要求宽松，员工很容易获得批准，即使没有sick
So they take sick days as an excuse to achieve their purposes.
2. The ratio stress-related illness between L and M is NOT just related to the population size;
（其他解释：针对文中解释的“这比例关系到人口数量”，此比例跟人口数量无关）
This fact has no relation with having more relaxed pace of life in Leeville;

- It is possible that the population size is not equal; （人口数量不一样）
- Some other causes of stress-related illness could be: （造成压抑的原因可能是：）
i. Family matters; （家庭因素）
ii. Unemployment that makes life pace too relaxed; （失业导致生活节奏变得太舒适）
iii. Geographic environment; (地理环境因素等)
Etc.
可能因为医疗条件的差异和人们观念的不一样，大城市的人们更关注自己的精神健康，并且大城市有充分的医疗资源，使得压力相关的疾病得到诊断和治疗，而小地方条件不足，人们也不觉得自己有压力相关的疾病，因而得不到诊断和治疗，所以比例小。

还有一点在攻略上提及到的：
3． 个案不代表全体
不知道怎么找出来的。第三点我觉得不太合适，根据这句话就好 these facts can be attributed to the health benefits of the relatively relaxed pace of life in Leeville，原因很多。不一定是这个原因。比如小地方的人注重锻炼身体，小地方环境优良，空气很好，身体很健康，因而心情愉快，能积极面对生活和工作上的压力等等。

作者: 麻倉枼 时间: 2012-12-24 11:24

Town of Leeville VS. Town of Masonton

-- by 会员竹林中人 (2012/12/24 10:16:59)

那么说我这个提纲是可行的？我每次写完提纲后就健忘了，所以作文才写得这么水。。我总是记不住模板的句子，不知道怎么办好

作者: 竹林中人 时间: 2012-12-24 14:11
我想如果自己想的写的提纲，写成文的时候，应该是不会忘的。
至于你的提纲，方向是对的，但不太具体，所以容易忘掉。写提纲的时候，思路要是清晰的，虽然只是提纲，但整个文章的推理其实这时候也应该是有的，而不只是一些提示性的字眼和词语，否则写跟没写差不多。
Issue你要早点开始，提高效率，一天一篇提纲，这肯定是不够的

作者: 麻倉枼 时间: 2012-12-24 21:32

我想如果自己想的写的提纲，写成文的时候，应该是不会忘的。
至于你的提纲，方向是对的，但不太具体，所以容易忘掉。写提纲的时候，思路要是清晰的，虽然只是提纲，但整个文章的推理其实这时候也应该是有的，而不只是一些提示性的字眼和词语，否则写跟没写差不多。
Issue你要早点开始，提高效率，一天一篇提纲，这肯定是不够的

-- by 会员竹林中人 (2012/12/24 14:11:47)

那看来我没办法了，我报了2月考试。。怎么破。。
我基本上提纲就是在文章上找线索啊。。像这道题想了半天，原因是看了这个例子：

第104题（与32题稍微有点变动）：
Instruction：Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.
提纲：1：事实.workers at our newly opened factory reported 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than workers at nearby Panoply Industries. 文中解释，员工疲劳和睡眠不足。其他解释：新开的厂可能招的是新员工，员工的操作熟练程度不够，公司的设备维护不到位，员工的生产安全意识不够。
2：事实，Panoply's superior safety record，文中解释：shorter work shifts, 其他解释：P公司的员工比较有经验，操作熟练，P公司的生产自动化程度高，很多比较危险的工作场合由机器人代替。

别人做的，以为可以学一下它的方法，结果在上面找了半天才发现格式根本不对。。不过幸好还是找到了

作者: 竹林中人 时间: 2012-12-25 00:46

-- by 会员竹林中人 (2012/12/24 14:11:47)

-- by 会员麻倉枼 (2012/12/24 21:32:45)

二月时间还很长，完全来得及，AW多寻找规律性的东西，因为Issue和Argument到后来基本上也就是八股文，开头中间和结尾可以写什么怎么写，都会形成固定的套路。

作者: 麻倉枼 时间: 2012-12-25 12:23

-- by 会员竹林中人 (2012/12/24 14:11:47)

-- by 会员麻倉枼 (2012/12/24 21:32:45)

-- by 会员竹林中人 (2012/12/25 0:46:50)

版主，我写完essay了，可以麻烦你看看么？谢谢
我是二月初考，时间真心不多了，单词，阅读，数学，填空，现在回想起来都记得不多，马马虎虎，根基不够。。尤其是阅读，我真心烦恼了现在。。
所以我自己也不知道该怎么办好

作者: 竹林中人 时间: 2012-12-28 19:17
更新之后你最好顶一下

作者: 麻倉枼 时间: 2012-12-28 20:52

更新之后你最好顶一下

-- by 会员竹林中人 (2012/12/28 19:17:20)

我老早顶了，只是被其他贴覆盖了
谢谢你帮我改拉

作者: 麻倉枼 时间: 2012-12-28 21:04
顶一个！

作者: 竹林中人 时间: 2012-12-29 21:06

Town of Leeville VS. Town of Masonton

(30 min 33 second, 411 words)

(自己修改后：432 words)

Workers in the small town of Leeville take fewer sick days than workers in the large city of Masonton, 50 miles away. Moreover, relative to population size, the diagnosis of stress-related illness is proportionally much lower in Leeville than in Masonton. According to the Leeville Chamber of Commerce, these facts can be attributed to the health benefits of the relatively relaxed pace of life in Leeville.

Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.

  In this argument, the author comes to the conclusion that the town of Leeville has better health benefits and more relaxed pace of life than the city of Masonton. To justify his/her conclusion, the author provides two facts to support it: (1) workers in Leeville take fewer sick days than workers in Masonton; (2) the ratio of stress-related illness is proportionally much lower in Leeville than in Masonton. Close scrutiny of each of these facts, however, I found that there are many alternative explanations，argu中用被动句式比较好，不要用I for them, which damage the credibility of the author’s conclusion.
  First of all, the author explains the first fact that geographic environment is the reason 这不是题目的本意，是你自己的概括，概括不准就失去了本意why workers has better health benefits in Leeville than in Masonton; Leeville is a small town, whereas Masonton is a big city. This fact also reveals the author’s assumption that workers who take sick days must be sick. However, this is not true. In fact, workers might take sick days for some other reasons. Perhaps they need to visit their friends, or perhaps they simply don’t want to work that much. It is even possible that the companies in the town of Leeville have stricter rules or policies that workers have more difficulties to take sick days than workers who work in the city of Masonton. Because of these alternative explanations, the author’s explanation is skeptical, and it is reasonable to show that this fact is not related to geographic difference.
  Another fact the author provides suggests the ratio of stress-related illness between Leeville and Masonton is related to the population size. However, I found it is not convincible enough. At first, the author assumes the population size of Leeville and Masonton is the same？？. The author fails to provide enough evidence to stand out this assumption, and because of this, the explanation that this ratio is related to the population size is undermined. In addition, this fact can be explained by different kinds of causes of stress-related illness. For example, people are stressful because of their family matters这里最好具体说下家庭因素咋造成的; the level of consciousness of providing necessary medical services to cure stress-related illness in these areas is different, etc. Because of these reasons, the author’s explanation is weakened and I cannot accept it.
  In conclusion, the author fails to provide enough explanations to support his facts in the argument. The author shall explain the facts from different perspectives; it may be necessary to provide more information for the explanations I suggested above and that may make a huge difference. Without doing this, the author’s argument will not be credible enough for people to follow.
只写了两点，是不是不太充分。

作者: 麻倉枼 时间: 2012-12-29 23:19

Town of Leeville VS. Town of Masonton

(30 min 33 second, 411 words)

(自己修改后：432 words)

Workers in the small town of Leeville take fewer sick days than workers in the large city of Masonton, 50 miles away. Moreover, relative to population size, the diagnosis of stress-related illness is proportionally much lower in Leeville than in Masonton. According to the Leeville Chamber of Commerce, these facts can be attributed to the health benefits of the relatively relaxed pace of life in Leeville.

Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.

In this argument, the author comes to the conclusion that the town of Leeville has better health benefits and more relaxed pace of life than the city of Masonton. To justify his/her conclusion, the author provides two facts to support it: (1) workers in Leeville take fewer sick days than workers in Masonton; (2) the ratio of stress-related illness is proportionally much lower in Leeville than in Masonton. Close scrutiny of each of these facts, however, I found that there are many alternative explanations，argu中用被动句式比较好，不要用I for them, which damage the credibility of the author’s conclusion.
First of all, the author explains the first fact that geographic environment is the reason 这不是题目的本意，是你自己的概括，概括不准就失去了本意why workers has better health benefits in Leeville than in Masonton; Leeville is a small town, whereas Masonton is a big city. This fact also reveals the author’s assumption that workers who take sick days must be sick. However, this is not true. In fact, workers might take sick days for some other reasons. Perhaps they need to visit their friends, or perhaps they simply don’t want to work that much. It is even possible that the companies in the town of Leeville have stricter rules or policies that workers have more difficulties to take sick days than workers who work in the city of Masonton. Because of these alternative explanations, the author’s explanation is skeptical, and it is reasonable to show that this fact is not related to geographic difference.
Another fact the author provides suggests the ratio of stress-related illness between Leeville and Masonton is related to the population size. However, I found it is not convincible enough. At first, the author assumes the population size of Leeville and Masonton is the same？？. The author fails to provide enough evidence to stand out this assumption, and because of this, the explanation that this ratio is related to the population size is undermined. In addition, this fact can be explained by different kinds of causes of stress-related illness. For example, people are stressful because of their family matters这里最好具体说下家庭因素咋造成的; the level of consciousness of providing necessary medical services to cure stress-related illness in these areas is different, etc. Because of these reasons, the author’s explanation is weakened and I cannot accept it.
In conclusion, the author fails to provide enough explanations to support his facts in the argument. The author shall explain the facts from different perspectives; it may be necessary to provide more information for the explanations I suggested above and that may make a huge difference. Without doing this, the author’s argument will not be credible enough for people to follow.
只写了两点，是不是不太充分。

-- by 会员竹林中人 (2012/12/29 21:06:55)

那我的提纲不是只提了两点么？还有其他点？

作者: 麻倉枼 时间: 2012-12-30 08:48
顶一个！！！！！

作者: 竹林中人 时间: 2012-12-30 10:41
我给你的提纲修改意见，不是给了三点么

作者: 麻倉枼 时间: 2012-12-30 10:56

我给你的提纲修改意见，不是给了三点么

-- by 会员竹林中人 (2012/12/30 10:41:22)

3． 个案不代表全体
不知道怎么找出来的。第三点我觉得不太合适，根据这句话就好 these facts can be attributed to the health benefits of the relatively relaxed pace of life in Leeville，原因很多。不一定是这个原因。比如小地方的人注重锻炼身体，小地方环境优良，空气很好，身体很健康，因而心情愉快，能积极面对生活和工作上的压力等等。

可是这个不是结论来的么？那个argument就出了两个facts，一个explanation，里面其实包含两个小explanation给那两个facts，这是个人觉得的格式。。所以我找不到第三个fact，第三个explanation。。
还是其实这个也算是一个fact？我总感觉这更像是一个那些facts带来的conclusion。。

作者: 麻倉枼 时间: 2012-12-31 02:52
顶一个

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