ChaseDream

标题: 诚求各位高手狠狠批 [打印本页]

作者: lillian馨 时间: 2012-12-15 19:40
标题: 诚求各位高手狠狠批
作文水平实在次，特别逻辑与结构上的组织上，内容上如何丰富~~~诚求各位高手狠狠批，多多给出意见~~~小女纸在此多谢多谢了

作者: lillian馨 时间: 2012-12-15 19:50
Some parents believe that children should have different jobs from them because they want their children to have a more decent job with higher salaries, or they want their children to have a job though which children can have a different social circle. I agree that it is good for children to earn more money and make friends with different people. However, I think there is something more important to consider, making me to hold the view that children should have a similar job with parents.

The threshold reason is that with a similar job, parents can directly transfer their experiences to children, leaving children less pressure. As we all know, with the quickened development of society, people are faced with increasing competition, making it very hard for the young, especially the students after graduation without experiences, to enter a totally new working environment. If parents can tell the children their knowledge about the job during past 20years, it will be totally easy for children march in the right direction. My friend Vicky and her father are all teachers, with the instruction from her father, Vicky quickly learned the methods to attract the attention of students, avoiding the stress to deal with a totally new job.

In addition, similar work contributes to the better relationship among family members. Do you have the experience that when you were a student, your parent will talk about your study in the school as long as they know your textbook? I have encountered this kind of situation. Likewise, if your parents know your job, they will talk about your jobs too, offering you an opportunity to communicate and making you closer. What’s more, I think similar job can reduce the possibility of conflicting. Imagine you are an inventor who prefers risk with high benefits, and your father is an accountant who is very prudent and conservative. When you want to invest in a big project with certain potential risk, at this time you father will come out to persuade you or even impede you to make this investment, making a divergence at a certain extent.

To sum up, in consideration of the enormous pressure of children in the competitive society and the harmonious relationship among families children should have the same job with their parents.

作者: lillian馨 时间: 2012-12-15 19:52
The lecture opposes the assumption adopted by the reading passage which states environmental pollution takes the responsibility for the decline of sea otters and asserts that predation causes the decreased number.

After all, the speaker says the fact that the absence the dead otters on the beaches is consistent with the predation hypothesis and ambivalent with infection’s function. After killing the otters, predators would detour them, leaving no bodies on the shore. In contrast, the reading attributes the death of otters to ocean contaminations which leads to vulnerability of infection.

What’s more, the professor claims it is likely that ocras have no choice but to change to the smaller prays due to the decline of their superior preference whales. However the passage eliminates this possibility because of ocras eating habit and cites the pollution as the only explanation.

Finally, in the lecture it is said that the uneven pattern of otter decline can be illustrated by the accessibility of the living locations. To be specific, if otters are reachable to octas, the populations decrease dramatically while in rocky areas which is not easily to predators the level of decline is not apparent. The reading, on the other hand, states the environmental factors, which results in uneven pattern of pollutants explain the decline.

作者: lillian馨 时间: 2012-12-16 16:21
12.16

It is cool to fly from the very north to the farthermost south in our country within several hours, isn’t it? However, when considering the requirement of daily life, we seldom have to cross whole area of China. And from the perspective of practicability and flexibility, I definitely hold the view that the automobile plays a greater role in social life than airplane does.

To begin with, a car correlates more with daily life, winning it an advantage of practical applicability over a plane and making it convenient to people. Our daily routine contains a lot of activities such as going to work, watching a movie, or going for a travel during weekeeds if possible. No one can deny that it is easy to go to workplace, cinema and scenery spot by car but impossible by airplane. we can reach the car once getting out of the house whereas it is still in my imagination to see a plane in front of my apartment. So cars do bring about great benefits to our life that planes can not do presently.

In addition, the flexibility of cars can endow us the possibility to deal with other contempory things or even unexpected urgencies. It is true that with a car we can set off or halt at any time as long as we want, but a plane has regular timetables and won’t change at random. In the last summer vacation, my families members were determined to drive to Xizang in the east of China from my hometown Zhengzhou, which is in the middle of China. But several hours later after we left, my father reveiced the message that my grandmother was ill suddenly and needed our help. We had to return immediately. It is lucky that we drived the car rather than took the airplane, otherwise we would have had no choice but to get to the site directly and then came back.

Admittedly, there are occasions that we can only take the airplane as the priority such as going abroad for further study, participate a meeting in a foreign country and traveling around the world. However in my experiences, the opportunity to study abroad, to attend a meeting in joint venture or to tralvel throughout world is not common people with averaged income level can afford. The number of those people only accounts for a small portion of the whole population. For most people car is the kind of veicle that affects the life a lot.

To sum up, considering the great extent of availability and flexible usage, I undoubtedly believe it is the car that has a great influence on society.

作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2012-12-16 16:44
Some parents believe that children should have different jobs from them because they want their children to have a more decent job with higher salaries, or they want their children to have a job ~~though~~ which children can have a different social circle.（注意你这句话的主谓一致） I agree that it is good for children to earn more money and make friends with different people.（用指代吧，不然重复了） However, I think there is something more important to consider, making（这样的话make 的逻辑主语就是I了 I make me……有语法错误）me to hold the view that children should have a similar job with parents.

The threshold（这词多做分水岭讲……）reason is that with a similar job, parents can directly transfer their experiences（做经验讲不可数）to children,leaving children less pressure. ~~As we all know~~, with the quickened development of society, people are faced with increasing competition, making it very hard for the young, especially the students after graduation without experiences, to enter a totally new working environment.（如果是这样的整句最好动词和动词之间并列，不然结构太过凌乱。） If parents can tell ~~the~~ children their knowledge about the job during past 20years, it （指代不明）will be totally easy for children （to）march in the right direction. eg:My friend Vicky and her father are all teachers, with the instruction from her father, Vicky quickly learned the methods to attract the attention of students,(这句话两个谓语却没有连词) avoiding the stress to deal with a totally new job.

In addition, similar work contributes to the better relationship among family members. Do （did）you have the experience that when you were a student, your parent will talk about your study in the school as long as they know your textbook?（注意你的时态）I have encountered this kind of situation. Likewise, if your parents know your job, they will talk about your jobs too, offering you an opportunity to communicate and making you closer.（这种结构的句子很难让人看出offering的逻辑主语时谁） What’s more, I think similar job can reduce the possibility of conflicting. Imagine （that）you are an inventor who prefers risk with high benefits, and（but）your father is an accountant who is very prudent and conservative. When you want to invest in a big project with certain potential risk, ~~at this time~~ your father will （前提是假设，最好用Might）come out to persuade you or even（to） impede you to make this investment, making a divergence at a certain extent.（这种句子不大好，这样子Making的逻辑主语就是father而不是父子了）

To sum up, in consideration of the enormous pressure of children in the competitive society and the harmonious relationship among families， children should have the same job with their parents.

1.你喜欢将doing 句型放句末，但是要注意逻辑注意问题，而且有些句子用并列结构更好，doing反而累赘
2.时态问题

一点拙见，还望共同进步~！

作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2012-12-16 16:56
The lecture opposes the assumption adopted by the reading passage which states （that）environmental pollution takes the responsibility for the decline of sea otters and asserts that predation causes the decreased number.（阅读的观点是只有环境污染对otters有影响）

After all,（这个词是毕竟的意思） the speaker says ~~the fact~~ that the absence （of）the dead otters on the beaches is consistent with the predation hypothesis and ambivalent with infection’s function. After killing the otters, predators would detour them, leaving no bodies on the shore. In contrast, the reading attributes the death of otters to ocean contaminations which leads to vulnerability of infection.

What’s more, the professor claims ~~it is likely~~ that ocras have no choice but to change to the smaller prays due to the decline of their superior preference whales. However the passage eliminates this possibility because of ocras eating habit and cites the pollution as the only explanation.

Finally, in the lecture ~~it is~~ said that the uneven pattern of otter decline can be illustrated by the accessibility of the living locations. To be specific, if otters are reachable to octas, the populations decrease dramatically (有一个连词要出现两个谓语)while in rocky areas which is not easily to predators， the level of decline is not apparent. The reading, on the other hand, states the environmental factors, which results in uneven pattern of pollutants explain the decline.

作者: lillian馨 时间: 2012-12-16 21:54

Some parents believe that children should have different jobs from them because they want their children to have a more decent job with higher salaries, or they want their children to have a job ~~though~~ which children can have a different social circle.（注意你这句话的主谓一致） I agree that it is good for children to earn more money and make friends with different people.（用指代吧，不然重复了） However, I think there is something more important to consider, making（这样的话make 的逻辑主语就是I了 I make me……有语法错误）me to hold the view that children should have a similar job with parents.

The threshold（这词多做分水岭讲……）reason is that with a similar job, parents can directly transfer their experiences（做经验讲不可数）to children,leaving children less pressure. ~~As we all know~~, with the quickened development of society, people are faced with increasing competition, making it very hard for the young, especially the students after graduation without experiences, to enter a totally new working environment.（如果是这样的整句最好动词和动词之间并列，不然结构太过凌乱。） If parents can tell ~~the~~ children their knowledge about the job during past 20years, it （指代不明）will be totally easy for children （to）march in the right direction. eg:My friend Vicky and her father are all teachers, with the instruction from her father, Vicky quickly learned the methods to attract the attention of students,(这句话两个谓语却没有连词) avoiding the stress to deal with a totally new job.

In addition, similar work contributes to the better relationship among family members. Do （did）you have the experience that when you were a student, your parent will talk about your study in the school as long as they know your textbook?（注意你的时态）I have encountered this kind of situation. Likewise, if your parents know your job, they will talk about your jobs too, offering you an opportunity to communicate and making you closer.（这种结构的句子很难让人看出offering的逻辑主语时谁） What’s more, I think similar job can reduce the possibility of conflicting. Imagine （that）you are an inventor who prefers risk with high benefits, and（but）your father is an accountant who is very prudent and conservative. When you want to invest in a big project with certain potential risk, ~~at this time~~ your father will （前提是假设，最好用Might）come out to persuade you or even（to） impede you to make this investment, making a divergence at a certain extent.（这种句子不大好，这样子Making的逻辑主语就是father而不是父子了）

To sum up, in consideration of the enormous pressure of children in the competitive society and the harmonious relationship among families， children should have the same job with their parents.

1.你喜欢将doing 句型放句末，但是要注意逻辑注意问题，而且有些句子用并列结构更好，doing反而累赘
2.时态问题

一点拙见，还望共同进步~！

-- by 会员阿伦艾弗森 (2012/12/16 16:44:51)

感谢艾弗森~~~改的真的很细心~~~时态问题确实写着写着就忘了。还有句末doing的形式，经你指出才发现用了这么多这个句式，以后学着用并列！不过有一个问题是我在GMAT语法里面学的句末的doing的逻辑主语并不一定非得是句子主语的，可以做结果状语，也就是说前面句子的这个事情引发了后面doing那个结果。

作者: lillian馨 时间: 2012-12-18 15:11
12.17 要不要在小组工作中倾听他人意见
Are you agitated with the person in your group who always considers himself superior and neglects others’ opinions . For most people, I think, the answer may be yes. And so it is for me. As a matter of fact, I believe that listening to other members’ suggestion can not only benefit the group but also improve ourselves.

To begin with, lending a ear to partners endows you an opportunity to learn from them and enrich ourselves. Everyone has his merits. When working with several colleagues, you are likely, to a great extent, to identify someone who does better than you in some aspects. Thus, listening to their ideas would definitely refresh your mind. Four organizers including me in the English club were determined to recruit several members who have excellent communication ability. we would simply make every competitor introduce himself in one minute, a regular process existing from the establishment of the club. However, one of the organizers Vicky contended that this method should be abolished and would make many qualified applicants slip from our fingers. And she proposed her own idea that we should distribute several people in a group discussing an issue and achieving the conclusion of their group. Judging from this process, we picked out the superior, whose communication ability far outweighed that of people we selected before. Vicky’s opinion made me know that we should listen to other’s opinions which may include creative thoughts.

In addition, listening enables the task of a group to proceed successfully. It is common sense that if you don’t think of others’ opinions they are likely to ignore your thoughts too, leading the whole program to carry out slowly or even halt. I can’t thought of a better example than the case of myself. My roommates and I cooperated to accomplish a paper the professor had assigned to us. We had to choose a topic, and after class I immediately talked to teacher about my idea without asking for the advice of my roommates. Later, when it came to searching for materials, my roommates just chat and did nothing at all. Then I asked them the reason why they showed no interest, they just said: you choose the topic on your own, so do it yourself. Until then did I realized that I should have listened to their ideas before choosing the topic.
Admittedly, we have to acknowledge that listening to other people’s opinions may consume a lot of time, from the discussion of the very beginning to the final agreement of the end. Whereas in my mind, once an excellent idea has be proposed, the others would not come up their less idealized opinions, substantially decreasing the need to discuss continuously and time to achieve an agreement. In other words, this process is actually not that time-consuming.

To sum up, listening is an indispensable part of cooperation.

作者: 麦田往事 时间: 2012-12-18 17:04
Are you agitated with the person in your group who always considers himself superior and neglects others’ opinions. For most people, I think, the answer may be yes. And so it is for me. As a matter of fact, I believe that listening to other members’ suggestion can not only benefit the group but also improve ourselves.

To begin with, lending an ear to partners endows you an opportunity to learn from them and enrich ourselves. Everyone has his merits. When working with several colleagues, you are likely, to a great extent(likely和to a great extent 是否语义重复了), to identify someone who does better than you in some aspects. Thus, listening to their ideas would definitely refresh your mind. Four organizers including me in the English club were determined to recruit several members who have excellent communication ability. We would simply make every competitor introduce himself in one minute, a regular process existing from the establishment of the club. However, one of the organizers Vicky contended that this method should be abolished and would make many qualified applicants slip from our fingers. And she proposed her own idea that we should distribute several people in a group discussing an issue and achieving the conclusion of their group. Judging from this process, we picked out the superior, whose communication ability far outweighed that of people we selected before. Vicky’s opinion made me know that we should listen to other’s opinions which may include creative thoughts.

In addition, listening enables the task of a group to proceed successfully. It is common sense that if you don’t think of others’ opinions they are likely to ignore your thoughts too, leading the whole program to carry out slowly or even halt. I can’t ~~thought~~think of a better example than the case of myself. My roommates and I cooperated to accomplish a paper the professor had assigned to us. We had to choose a topic~~, and~~. But这里用转折关系是不是更好一些after class I immediately talked to teacher about my idea without asking for the advice of my roommates. Later, when it came to searching for materials, my roommates just chat and did nothing at all. Then I asked them the reason why they showed no interest, they just said: you choose the topic on your own, so do it yourself. ~~Until then did~~ At last, I realized that I should have listened to their ideas before choosing the topic.这里对第二个原因加一个总结就更好了
Admittedly, we have to acknowledge that listening to other people’s opinions may consume a lot of time, from the discussion of the very beginning to the final agreement ofin the end. Whereas in my mind, once an excellent idea has be proposed, the others would not come up their less idealized opinions, substantially decreasing the need to discuss continuously and time to achieve an agreement. In other words, this process is actually not that time-consuming.

To sum up, listening is an indispensable part of cooperation.

两个原因加一个让步段，逻辑结构相当工整。你的文章以我的水平几乎找不出什么大的问题。尤其是语言，插入语和词语的替换都十分丰富和灵活。我真心要好好学习下。

如果这篇文章你没有修改过一次成功的话，那我真要膜拜你了

作者: lillian馨 时间: 2012-12-18 19:15

Are you agitated with the person in your group who always considers himself superior and neglects others’ opinions. For most people, I think, the answer may be yes. And so it is for me. As a matter of fact, I believe that listening to other members’ suggestion can not only benefit the group but also improve ourselves.

To begin with, lending an ear to partners endows you an opportunity to learn from them and enrich ourselves. Everyone has his merits. When working with several colleagues, you are likely, to a great extent(likely和to a great extent 是否语义重复了), to identify someone who does better than you in some aspects. Thus, listening to their ideas would definitely refresh your mind. Four organizers including me in the English club were determined to recruit several members who have excellent communication ability. We would simply make every competitor introduce himself in one minute, a regular process existing from the establishment of the club. However, one of the organizers Vicky contended that this method should be abolished and would make many qualified applicants slip from our fingers. And she proposed her own idea that we should distribute several people in a group discussing an issue and achieving the conclusion of their group. Judging from this process, we picked out the superior, whose communication ability far outweighed that of people we selected before. Vicky’s opinion made me know that we should listen to other’s opinions which may include creative thoughts.

In addition, listening enables the task of a group to proceed successfully. It is common sense that if you don’t think of others’ opinions they are likely to ignore your thoughts too, leading the whole program to carry out slowly or even halt. I can’t ~~thought~~think of a better example than the case of myself. My roommates and I cooperated to accomplish a paper the professor had assigned to us. We had to choose a topic~~, and~~. But这里用转折关系是不是更好一些after class I immediately talked to teacher about my idea without asking for the advice of my roommates. Later, when it came to searching for materials, my roommates just chat and did nothing at all. Then I asked them the reason why they showed no interest, they just said: you choose the topic on your own, so do it yourself. ~~Until then did~~ At last, I realized that I should have listened to their ideas before choosing the topic.这里对第二个原因加一个总结就更好了
Admittedly, we have to acknowledge that listening to other people’s opinions may consume a lot of time, from the discussion of the very beginning to the final agreement ofin the end. Whereas in my mind, once an excellent idea has be proposed, the others would not come up their less idealized opinions, substantially decreasing the need to discuss continuously and time to achieve an agreement. In other words, this process is actually not that time-consuming.

To sum up, listening is an indispensable part of cooperation.

两个原因加一个让步段，逻辑结构相当工整。你的文章以我的水平几乎找不出什么大的问题。尤其是语言，插入语和词语的替换都十分丰富和灵活。我真心要好好学习下。

如果这篇文章你没有修改过一次成功的话，那我真要膜拜你了

-- by 会员麦田往事 (2012/12/18 17:04:42)

额。。。。。我是用了30分钟的好几倍的时间写的。。。。。。第一段还是昨天晚上写的。。。所以。。。以后尽量限定时间完成！！

作者: lillian馨 时间: 2012-12-19 14:47
12.19 A person’s job has more effects on his or her happiness than this person’s social life does.

Isn’t it cool to encounter a job promotion because of your outstanding performances during the investigation recently? Aren’t you excited to receive to the premiums due to your novel idea to improve the finance products? Of course just as everybody enjoys the pressure a job brings, so do I. And I even suppose the process of happiness pursuit is more positively affected by a job than by social life.

To begin with, a job endows you salary, more or less, which can serve the physical and mental requirement of both of your own and you family members. Nobody denies the fact that the basic needs, such as salt, oil, clothes, water, all account for a certain part of finance in a family. A feeling of being hungry for a day is not that good. Apart from material facet, the wages also bring you spiritual enjoyment. I can’t think of a better example than my father, who says that there is nothing else that can make him happier than the moment I receive a gift from him with big smile. And it is the money my father earns with his job that pays for the gift.

In addition, a job offers you an opportunity to acquire a sense of achievement, making you acknowledge your merits to this world. During work, you may unavoidably confront difficulties, if you can solve a tough problem with your wisdom, you would be the one every one praises. My brother, a portfolio manager, promised to a businessman to carry out an investment plan to gain 30% profits under the circumstance that all his colleages thought it was an impossible task. He did market research thoroughly and carefully. When the final date came, to his surprise, he got 35% of profits. Never did he have the feeling that he was the focus superiors speak highly of, a kind of accomplishment anything else cannot exceed.

It’s true that social life is an indispensable part of life since we can’t always bury ourselves in the work. We should at least have recreation activities, such as going shopping with friends, watching a movie with a relative or going for travel if available. But from my experience, it is only a small part of our life since we have activities related to work from Monday to Friday, and even on weekends we have to prepare ourselves for the next week. What’s more, the pleasure resulting from social life is built on the foundation of a job which provides economic support for the ticket for a movie, commodities having been bought, and travel cheque.

To sum up, I can safely draw the conclusion that happiness relates more to job than to social life.

作者: lillian馨 时间: 2012-12-20 20:16
12.20 Young people today are more likely to help others than young people in the past.

With the quickened development of economy and education, nowadays people are definitely more likely to help others due to both the improved economic ability to lend a hand and the increased level of awareness of assist others than those, especially young people, thirty years ago. My view can be demonstrated by the following reasons.

To begin with, the better economic situation contributes to the possibility to give the poor a hand. 30 years ago, a large number of young people could not support their families or even satisfy their own daily needs, such as clothes and foods, not to mention to donate their old sweaters or surplus rice to those who were cold or hungry. Whereas recent years the averaged incomings of most families are surging, so there is no need to care about several pences if they have the property that is worth of millions of dollars. My father often told me that when he was young he was ready to give his neighbor a piece of bread, which was the food for a whole day of my father, the fear of hunger made his thought fade. However I, as a young girl of modern time, often distribute my old clothes to the kids living in the mountain areas since it does not affect my requirement for daily needs. It is the better economic condition give us the chance to help others.

In addition, the booming level of consciousness to endowment also comes from school education and advocate of social media. No one can deny the fact that in the school we learn not only academic knowledge but also the disciplines to be contributors. So many students are praised because they share their umbrellas with classmates. Similarly, we could always hear a a piece of audio on the bus: if the pregnant , the old , the illness, or the disability are standing next to you, please give your seat to them, thank you. all these activities encourage us to do others a favor as long as we can. However, 30 years ago the whole society seldom amphasized this matter or stimulated this behavior with compliments, leading less motives for people to concern others. Thus with the inspiration from school and the reminding from society the young are more likely to help others.

To sum up, taking into consideration of the increasing prosper, the quality education and support of media, we can come to the conclusion that people are more likely to help others.

作者: zhisheng2200 时间: 2012-12-20 22:30
12.19A person’s job has more effects on his or her happiness than this person’s social life does.

Isn’t it cool to encounter a job promotion because of your outstanding performances during the investigation recently? Aren’t you excited to receive to the premiums due to your novel idea to improve the finance products? Of course just as everybody enjoys the pressure a job brings, so do I. And I even suppose the process of happiness pursuit is more positively affected by a job than by social life.（我不知道这个suppose是不是还有特殊用法，感觉在这里语气弄的挺别扭的）

To begin with, a job endows you salary, more or less, which can serve the physical and mental requirement of both of your own and you family members. Nobody denies the fact that the basic needs, such as salt, oil, clothes, water, all account for a certain part of finance in a family. A feeling of being hungry for a day is not that good. Apart from material facet, the wages also bring you spiritual enjoyment. I can’t think of a better example than my father, who says that there is nothing else that can make him happier than the moment I receive a gift from him with big smile. And it is the money my father earns with his job that pays for the gift.

In addition, a job offers you an opportunity to acquire a sense of achievement, making you acknowledge your merits to this world. During work, you may unavoidably confront difficulties, if you can solve a tough problem with your wisdom, you would be the one every one praises.My brother, a portfolio manager, promised to a businessman to carry out an investment plan to gain 30% profits under the circumstance that all his colleagues thought it was an impossible task. He did market research thoroughly and carefully.When the final date came, to his surprise, he got 35% of profits. Never did he have such a feeling ~~that~~when he was the focus superiors speak highly of, that a kind of accomplishment is what anything else cannot exceed.(原话感觉有歧义，我改的也不一定对)

It’s true that social life is an indispensable part of life since we can’t always bury ourselves in the work. We should at least have recreation activities, such as going shopping with friends, watching a movie with a relative or going for travel if available. But from my experience, it is only a small part of our life since we have activities related to work from Monday to Friday, and even on weekends we have to prepare ourselves for the next week. What’s more, the pleasure resulting from social life is built on the foundation of a job which provides economic support for the ticket for a movie, commodities having been bought, and travel cheque.

To sum up, I can safely draw the conclusion that happiness relates more to job than to social life.

LZ写得非常好，逻辑有序，语言流畅，用词很多地方也很精彩，我改的时候就再想得多读几遍好好学习一下。
我水平也有限，修改地方可能也有不对的地方，LZ感觉不妥可以继续交流。
最重要的是我感觉LZ的逻辑写的很好，很简单就把道理说清楚了，而且最后也写了500字。我写500字感觉就想摞砖块一样，写的很累，别人看着可能也累。有机会LZ可以看看我的作文，提提意见，多谢~
http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-784934-2-1.html#last

作者: zhisheng2200 时间: 2012-12-20 22:31
对了，忘了说开头标的那几个红字了？LZ一定是学金融的吧，开头举的例子都是金融工程相关的，感觉上来就全是这方面的有些唐突和绝对了，换几个更普通的例子感觉更好。

作者: lillian馨 时间: 2012-12-21 19:42

对了，忘了说开头标的那几个红字了？LZ一定是学金融的吧，开头举的例子都是金融工程相关的，感觉上来就全是这方面的有些唐突和绝对了，换几个更普通的例子感觉更好。

-- by 会员 zhisheng2200 (2012/12/20 22:31:50)

哈哈~~zhizheng好眼力呀。。学金融的呀！刚开始的那例子我再琢磨琢磨换换~~嘿嘿

作者: vanessa923 时间: 2012-12-21 22:42
标题: 改1220！改晚了，见谅。

黄亮精彩，蓝色建议，红色错误哈。
With the quickened（也可以用fast-paced?) development of economy and education, nowadays people are definitely more likely to help others due to both the improved economic ability to lend a hand and the increased level of awareness of assisting others than those, especially young people, thirty years ago. My view can be demonstrated by the following reasons.

To begin with, the better economic situation contributes to the possibility to give the poor a hand. 30 years ago, a large number of young people could not support their families or even satisfy their own daily needs, such as clothes and foods, not to mention to donate their old sweaters or surplus rice to those who were cold or hungry.Whereas(这个词用得很好，我好久都没看到了(in）recent years the averaged incomings of most families are surging, so there is no need to care about several pences if they have the property that is worth of millions of dollars. My father often told me that when he was young he was ready to give his neighbor a piece of bread, which was the food for a whole day of my father, the fear of hunger made his thought fade. However I, as a young girl of modern time, often distribute my old clothes to the kids living in the mountain areas since it does not affect my requirement for daily needs. It is the better economic condition give us the chance to help others.（真的很赞！！！例子也不错！！！）

In addition, the booming level of consciousness to endowment also comes from school education and advocate（advocation） of social media. No one can deny the fact that in the school we learn not only academic knowledge but also the disciplines（这个词用得不太好） to be contributors. So many students are praised because they share their umbrellas with classmates. Similarly, we could always hear a a piece of audio on the bus: if the pregnant , the old , the illness, or the disability are standing next to you, please give your seat to them, thank you. all these activities encourage us to do others a favor as long as we can. However, 30 years ago the whole society seldom amphasized（emphasized） this matter or stimulated（also wierd) this behavior with compliments, leading less motives for people to concern others. Thus with the inspiration from school and the reminding from society the young are more likely to help others.

To sum up, taking into consideration of the increasing prosper(prosperity), the quality education and support of media, we can come to the conclusion that (young)people(today) are more likely to help others.

你写得真不错，角度也分析的不错。受教了。

作者: lillian馨 时间: 2012-12-22 16:35
12.21 To increase economic growth, government can neglect environmental concerns

It is cool to achieve your dream with the fewest efforts, isn’t it? Similarly, it is exciting to acquire the profits without paying price for what you have caused to the environment, isn’t it? However, When considering the the pursuit of economic growth, I concede that environmental concerns are indispensable issue which may affect the whole population .

To begin with, the surroundings we live in are closely related to the physical conditions of the citizens. It is common sense that the last several years have witnessed the increased pollution of water and air. The kettle in my home has been covered with a coating of sediment, which definitely comes from water contamination. Astoundingly, research shows that 50% of lung diseases correlate with the toxic ashes in the air, which ,to a great extent, lie in the exhaust of manufacturing factories. What’s more, the toxic in the air can form acid rain, which can erode the soil and the people’s skin. Thus, government shouldn’t ignore the environmental pollutions which have substantial influences on physical conditions.

In addition, one of the significant environmental matters is global warming of the earth, which can exert great pressure on the existence of whole population. Judging from the trend from past several centuries, scientists have concluded that in the next one hundred years, the sea level is likely to arise 20 to 90 centimeters and it is worth of mentioning that 10 centimeters’ rise might devour all the coastal cities on earth. From the visible aspects, it has been three years since I came across a snow in my hometown. And the chances of rainfall have also decreased during the past 5 years. To avoid the havoc of global warming, environmental conservation is the urgent affair.

It is true that we can obtain the highest incomings to satisfy our needs for materials without the consideration of environment, but simultaneously this behavior indeed result in a terrible living condition and unhealthy bodies, both of which may lower the working efficiency and emotional complaint and in turn deter the process of economic growth. More importantly, compared the existence of lives and strong bodies, prosperous economy pales since the former can easily accomplish the goal of the latter whereas it impossible to afford the invaluable health and recurrence.

To sum up, considering the destructive power, government should never overlook the environmental concerns.

作者: artemisan 时间: 2012-12-22 19:39
修改12.21 To increase economic growth, government can neglect environmental concerns
【红色是我修改部分，亮黄是好词好句，蓝色的我自己也有疑问的地方】
It is cool to achieve your dream with the fewest efforts, isn’t it? Similarly, it is exciting to acquire the profits without paying price for what you have caused to the environment, isn’t it? However, When considering the pursuit of economic growth, I concede that environmental concerns are indispensable issue which may affect the whole population .

To begin with, the surroundings we live in are closely related to the physical conditions of the citizens. （这句话我老读着怪怪的，课时又不知道该怎么改，麻烦高手赐教）It is common sense that the last several years have witnessed the increasing pollution of water and air. 【The kettle in my house has been covered with a coating of sediment, which definitely comes from water contamination.】正常的水煮煮也会留下水垢的吧？这个例子我觉得不妥 Astoundingly, research shows that 50% of lung diseases correlate with the toxic ashes in the air, which ,to a great extent, lie in the exhaust（n.废气） of manufacturing factories. What’s more（递进）, the toxic air may contribute to acid rain, which would not only erode the soil as well as architectures but also hurt people’s skin. Thus, government shouldn’t ignore the environmental pollution which has substantial influences on physical conditions.

In addition, one of the significant environmental matters is global warming, which has greatly pressured (我认为这里用pressure的动词形式更好)our existence(我猜想你的大概意思是温室效应已经影响到人类的生存了，所以我一开始想用which poses a great threat to our existence,但是觉得可能threat有点过，pressure更好，因此这样改。原来的the existence of whole population 我觉得有点罗嗦了，所以直接这样改了。).Judging from the trend in the past several decades, scientists have concluded that in the next century, (我猜想你觉得前面用了century后面又用重复，所以采用了一个比较罗嗦的方式，但是污染真正是从工业革命开始有了比较大的危害的，所以用decades应该不为过，后面用century也不会重复)the sea level is likely to rise（arise常用于无形的东西，指“上升，出现或发生”等义；rise常用于有形的东西，指“上升，升高”） 20 to 90 centimeters and it is worth of mentioning that 10 centimeters’ rise might devour all the coastal cities on earth. From the visible aspects, it has been three years since I came across a snow in my hometown. And the chances of rainfall have also decreased during the past 5 years. To avoid the havoc（学到了一个新词，=destroy） of global warming, environmental conservation is a urgent affair.

It is true that we can obtain the highest incomings to satisfy our needs for materials without the consideration of environment, but simultaneously（我永远只能在阅读里认识它但不会用在作文里。=at the same time） this behavior indeed(adv.) worsen our living conditions as well as(想不出其他平行词了……) our bodies, both of which may lower the working efficiency and thus in turn hinder(我个人觉得阻碍经济发展用这个要比deter好，也可能是我词汇量不够，不知道deter更适合) the process of economic growth. More importantly, compared the existence of lives and strong bodies, prosperous economy pales since the former can easily accomplish the goal of the latter whereas it impossible to afford the invaluable health and recurrence.

To sum up, effective measures should be taken by the government before things get worse. Environmental protection is a matter that no country can afford to ignore.

【总结：作者写的还是不错的，有些句子还是值得学习的，尤其是词汇，说老实话，这篇文章里面有的词汇我还是查词霸的……不要歧视鄙人的词汇啊】

作者: lillian馨 时间: 2012-12-23 19:26
Which way do you think is the best for a student to make new friends. a. joing a sports team, b. participate in community activities, c. traveling

Some people would like to say that sports team serves the best opportunity to make new friends since team members experience defeat and success together. Others may state that participating in community activities can win them friendship because they share the pleasure of assisting community residents. In my opinion, however, it is travel that endows most incentives, including economy and security aspects, which lead people to be mutual friends.

The first incentive correlates with travel expenses. Few can deny the fact that people are willing to spend as less money as possible no matter what they do. Similarly, conditions allowing, they would definitely save their pockets during a tour. And cultivating friendship with other tourists is most direct method. Hotels and airlines often offer a discount for group tourists. The cost of three monuments bought together is substantially cheaper than those purchased separately by three different tourists. At the same time, tourists can pool the same cab to scenery sites. All these occasions are what I came across when I travel to Yunnan, one of the most beautiful province in china, saving me half of my budget I had expected. Thus, lower travel expense pushes people to make friends during travel.

In addition, to ensure the travel security, people are also likely to make friends. It is common sense that if there is a friend who can accompany you during a journey, you tend to be less afraid of money or camera being stolen. You can ask your friends to take care of your baggage when taking a rest. What’s more, a friend can remind you to be careful when you encounter a potential theif. I can’t take a better example than the case of my ancle, who had a travel in Chengdu province as a student. He was so immersed into appreciating his beautiful pictures taken that he did not pay attention to his wallet. A person thought my uncle was just a single traveler, so he attempted to steal his wallet It was the friend my uncle just met on the site that noticed this scene. And finally he avoided the loss. He said that he chose to make friends to ascertain safety of property when having a trip. Therefore, considering this aspect, it is more possible for people to rely on new friends.

It is true that due to the common success, defeat , or pleasure, people in the sports team and the group of community activity have the chances to be friends, but travel provides people with the most direct motives to make friends, an advantage that sports team and community activity group could not compete. So travel is the best way to make friends.

作者: starlee 时间: 2012-12-23 20:51
这篇文章我看了下，语言表达上都蛮好的，我很的词汇量太少有些单词还真不认识

It is common sense that if you don’t think of others’ opinions they are likely to ignore your thoughts too, leading the whole program to carry out slowly or even halt. think of 译为“想起”，think about才是“考虑，思考”是否后者更合文意呢？

作者: starlee 时间: 2012-12-23 23:00

Which way do you think is the best for a student to make new friends. a. joing a sports team, b. participate in community activities, c. traveling

Some people would like to say that sports team serves the best opportunity to make new friends since team members experience defeat and success together. Others may state that participating in community activities can win them friendship because they share the pleasure of assisting community residents. In my opinion, however, it is travel that endows most incentives, 标点去掉including economy and security aspects, 标点去掉，此处用限定性定语从句which lead people to be mutual friends.（插入语+强调句+ 定语从句）good

The first incentive correlates with travel expenses. Few can deny the fact that people are willing to spend as less money as possible no matter what they do. Similarly, conditions allowing, they would definitely save their pockets during a tour. And cultivating（excellent 我word） friendship with other tourists is（此处不用定冠词the，most表非常之意,good grammer） most direct method. Hotels and airlines often offer a discount for group tourists. The cost of three monuments此处我不大明白你的意思 bought together is substantially cheaper than those purchased separately by three different tourists. At the same time, tourists can pool the same cab to scenery sites. All these occasions are what I came across when I travel to Yunnan, one of the most beautiful provinces in china首字母大写, saving此处是否有语法错误呢 me half of my budget I had expected. Thus, lower travel expense pushes people to make friends during travel.

In addition, to ensure the travel security, people are also likely to make friends. It is common sense that if there is a friend who can accompany you during a journey, you tend to be less afraid of money or camera being stolen. You can ask your friends to take care of your baggage when taking a rest. What’s more, a friend can remind you to be careful when you encounter a potential theif. I can’t take a better example than the case of my ancle（uncle??）, who had a travel in Chengdu province as a student. He was so immersed into appreciating his beautiful pictures taken that he did not pay attention to his wallet. A person thought my uncle was just a single traveler, so he attempted to steal his wallet It was the friend my uncle just met on the site that noticed this scene. And finally he avoided the loss. He said that he chose to make friends to ascertain safety of property when having a trip. Therefore, considering this aspect, it is more possible for people to rely on new friends.

It is true that due to the common success, defeat , or pleasure, people in the sports team and the group of community activity have the chances to be friends,(先让步，后接转折提出自己观点，有强调作用) but travel provides people with the most direct motives此处动机可以说是提供吗？改为opportunity是否更好些呢？to make friends, an advantage that sports team and community activity group could not compete. So travel is the best way to make friends.
The organization of the essay is excellent, maybe some of your words is not very appropriate. All above are my humble opinions.

作者: lillian馨 时间: 2012-12-24 21:38
12.23 Is there a good reason to be impolite(rude) to another person?
Are you agitated with the person who never considers whether his impolite behavior has some bad influences on others’ feelings? For most people, I think, the answer would be yes. So it is for me. As a matter of fact, rude manners can not only do unfavorable benefits to interpersonal relationship but also ruin your potential improvement during further pursuits. From these perspectives, I, thus, hold the opinion that by no means should we be impolite to others.

The first reason correlates with the development of relations among groups. It is universally acknowledged that people, to a great extent, display unhappy response to those who always are impolite. Judging from my experience, I can’t take a better example than the case of my classmates Tom. Tom often did rude things intentionally, such as using other person’s cup to drink, regarding the “hello” from classmates as air. As time went by, few students wanted to do after-class discussion with him, making him always alone. All of my classmates said that: he reaps what he has sown. More importantly, I think even if the classmates had cooperated with him, they would not like him from the inner heart because of his uncontrolled rude manners. I have no choice but to claim that rudeness does bring about adverse effects to one’s relation with others.

In addition, being polite may leave others a deep impression in no matter what occasions, especially when you are searching for a job, which can win you an advantageous benefit over other candidates. Actually this is what my uncle, a person wants to be a portfolio manager, has experienced. He was informed to wait the human resource manager in the receiption room with other competitors. During that period, a person who wore the same clothes as the employees served tea for all the applicants. Only four of those candidates, including my uncle, said ”thank you” to that person, who was actually the HR manager. And of course finally only those four people were chosen to enter next interview rather than the remaining. My uncle asserted it was his “thank you” endowed him a chance to go further. I agree that this kind of event is not rare. In reality, a research shows that many companies adopt similar methods to test the applicants.

From the above discussion, we can confidently come to the conclusion that it is essential to be polite. We should not find any excuse be to rude not only because rudeness may push your friends keep away from you but also because it may destroy your career.

作者: starlee 时间: 2012-12-25 00:25

12.23 Is there a good reason to be impolite(rude) to another person?
Are you agitated with the person who never considers whether his impolite behavior has some bad influences on others’ feelings? For most people, I think, the answer would be yes. So it is for me. As a matter of fact, rude manners can not only do unfavorable benefits to interpersonal relationship but also ruin your potential improvement during further pursuits. From these perspectives, I, thus, hold the opinion that by no means should we be impolite to others.(倒装用的很好)

The first reason correlates with the development of relations among groups. It is universally acknowledged亮点词 that people, to a great extent插入语恰到好处, display unhappy response to those who always are impolite. Judging from my experience引出例子方式新颖, I can’t take a better example than the case of my classmates Tom. Tom often did rude things intentionally, such as using other person’s cup to drink, regarding the “hello” from classmates as air亮点修辞. As time went by, few students wanted to do after-class discussion with him, making him always alone. All of my classmates said that: he reaps what he has sown.(, "he reaps what he has sown.") More importantly, I think even if the classmates had cooperated with him, they would not like him from the inner heart because of his uncontrolled rude manners. I have no choice but to claim that rudeness does bring about adverse effects to one’s relation with others.

In addition, being polite may leave others a deep impression in(occasion用on) no matter what occasions, especially when you are searching for a job, which can win you an advantageous benefit over other candidates. Actually this is what my uncle, a person wantsto be a portfolio manager, has experienced. He was informed to wait the human resource manager in the receiption room with other competitors. During that period, a person who wore the same clothes as the employees served tea for all the applicants. Only four of those candidates, including my uncle, said ”thank you” to that person, who was actually the HR manager. And of course finally only those four people were chosen to enter next interview rather than(并列连词) the remaining. My uncle asserted it was his “thank you” endowed him a chance to go further. I agree that this kind of event is not rare. In reality, a research shows that many companies adopt similar methods to test the applicants.

From the above discussion, we can confidently come to the conclusion that it is essential to be polite. We should not find any excuse be to rude not only because rudeness may push your friends (to) keep away from you but also because it may destroy your career.

-- by 会员 lillian馨 (2012/12/24 21:38:33)

Excellent words, pefect organization and development

作者: lillian馨 时间: 2012-12-25 07:53

-- by 会员 lillian馨 (2012/12/24 21:38:33)

Excellent words, pefect organization and development

-- by 会员 starlee (2012/12/25 0:25:32)

Actually this is what my uncle, a person wantsto be a portfolio manager, has experienced。修改： Actually this is what my uncle, a person applying for the position as a portfilio manager, has experienced.

作者: lillian馨 时间: 2012-12-25 21:21
12.24 Is it easier to maintain good health than in the past?

The last several decades have witnessed an increasing development of various industries, including transportation. At the same time, the high-velocity society also exerts more tasks on the shoulders of citizens. When considering whether people are more likely to keep healthy now than in the past, from these perspectives, I have no doubt to hold the idea that modern society has given us difficulty to maintain good health.

The first reason correlates with the availability of diverse vehicles in our daily life. It is universally acknowledged that if people have more convenient tools such as bus, cars, they, to a great extent, choose them instead of walking or biking to arrive at the destination. I prefer to take a bus to go to school although my home is twenty minutes’ walk from school. Whereas, forty years ago, the possession of cars just belonged to a tiny minority of rich people. Most people had no choice but to walk. My father was one of them. It took him one hour to go to school every day. Thus nowadays people have been deprived of the chance to get most ordinary exercise by the presence of advantageous vehicles.

In addition, pressure is another factor which can lead people to be in a bad physical condition. As we all know, the depressed economic context during recent year has made many people worry about losing jobs. This kind of stress may be positive to deal with immediate problems. However if people are constantly in nervous state, they may get headaches or other physical symptoms of stress. Over time, their bodies may even develop more permanent conditions like high blood pressure or heart disease. My uncle, a portfolio manager, often has a headache and even can’t sleep well because of unaccomplished tasks his company has given him. Therefore, pressure does do adverse effect on people’s health.

Admittedly, we can have more kinds of food now and the fitness centers are all around us, but it is the plentiful food that offers people, especially the kids, the possibility to pick up. Astoundingly, some kids just eat fried chicken and chips, a booming phenomenon in china. Although the fitness centers provide people places to exercise, what is worth mentioning is that the expensive costs often make the thought to exercise in the center fade.

To sum up, due to the wide popularity of convenient vehicles and increasing pressure coming from work environment, I can confidently conclude that it is more difficult for citizens to maintain healthy now than previously.

作者: bet 时间: 2012-12-26 16:07
12.24 Is it easier to maintain good health than in the past?

The last several decades have witnessed an increasing development of various industries, including transportation. At the same time, the high-velocity society also exerts more tasks on the shoulders of(可改成exerts more pressure on ,exert后通常加抽象n;或者改成imposes heavy burden on) citizens. When considering whether people are more likely to keep healthy now than in the past, from these perspectives, (可删)I have no doubt to hold the idea(可删) that modern society has given us difficulty to maintain good health.

The first reason correlates withthe availability of diverse vehicles in our daily life. It is universally acknowledged that if people have more convenient transportation tools such as bus, cars,(改成buses and cars, 注意复数和and的连接)they, to a great extent, will choose them instead of（改成over）walking or biking to arrive at the destination（可改成commute）. I prefer to take a bus to go to school although my home is twenty minutes’ walk from school. Whereas, forty years ago, the possession of（可删，和后面belong to重复了） cars just belonged to a tiny minority of rich people. Most people had no choice but to walk. 可加连词My father was one of them. It took him one hour to go to school every day. Thus nowadays people have been deprived of the chance to get most ordinary exercise by the presence of advantageous vehicles.后面应该加上exercise 对maintain good health的影响，这样才扣题

In addition, pressure is another factor which can lead people to be in（多余，去掉） a bad physical condition. As we all know, the depressed economic context during recent years has made many people worry about losing jobs. This kind of stress may be positive to deal with immediate problems. However, if people are constantly in nervous state, they may get headaches or other physical symptoms of stress. Over time, their bodies may even develop more permanent conditions(可改成get into some serious problems) like high blood pressure or heart disease. 连词My uncle, a portfolio manager, often has a headache and even cannot（academic writing里尽量不要出现缩写） sleep well because of unaccomplished tasks his company has given him. Therefore, pressure does have adverse effect on people’s health.

Admittedly, we can have more kinds of food now and the fitness centers are all around us, but it is the plentiful food that offers people, especially the kids, the possibility to pick up（可改成become picky eaters）. Astoundingly, some kids only eat fried chicken and chips for 3 meals, a booming phenomenon in china. 此处应该加上这种现象是多么的有害健康。Although the（可删） fitness centers provide people places to exercise, what is worth mentioning is that the expensive costs often make the thought to exercise in the center fade.

To sum up, due to the wide popularity of convenient vehicles and increasing pressure coming from work environment(可删), I can confidently conclude that it is more difficult for citizens to maintain healthy now than previously.

蓝色是我直接加的或者做了微调的词，红色是我的批注。建议可以把一些语句写的简洁一些，而且每段段首句表意可以更开门见山，而且随时要注意呼应题目，避免阅卷者读到一段的段末还需自己提炼本段的中心意思（比如倒数第二段）。这是只是我自己的想法啦，哈哈，你看后咱们可以再交流～
额，，不知道为什么我的格式有点儿混乱，字体也调不大了，不好意思，呼呼

作者: lillian馨 时间: 2013-1-1 12:23
12.31
我总是不会总结，所以第二段第三段的最后一句总是写不好，asd给我想想有没有跟没一段内容更合适的总结方式。
Independent Writing: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People can learn more from watching television than by reading books.

It is convenient to bring a book with you wherever you go so that you can obtain information whenever you want, isn’t it? Just as everyone enjoys the flexibility of the book, I agree that we may absorb knowledge from the book. However, when considering the speed to acquire news and the comprehension to understand events, I assert that the advantage of television far outweighs that of books.

To begin with, by watching television, people can learn the most instantaneous news, a merit that never belongs to a book. It is universally acknowledged that people nowadays are beset with overwhelming information, such as international military matters, national policies, or even fire disaster nearby. Only when we know these messages as soon as possible can we make a precise and quick response to those urgent affaires. And it is the television that can endow us this kind of requirement rather than the book. I can’t think of a better example than the case of myself. As a stock enthusiasist, I definitely choose to stare at the television screen to learn about the market situation, since all the data are reported immediately. With the most instant data, I can seize the most appropriate opportunity to buy or sell to miximize my profits. You can imagine what a terrible state it would be if I waited a published book to make an investment. Never a person could estimate the trend of stock based on it’s delayed information. Thus, compared with books, televisions can satisfy people’s needs for immediate information.

In addition, television enables us to realize event thoroughly and completely. The reason why I say so is that television can provide us with not only video but also audio accompanying words. Common sense informs us that by watching the pictures and listening to the voices on the television, we can know more about an event. However, in the books, there are only written words. It often requires thousands of letters to describe a scenario, which may be understood immediately as long as we glance at the television screen. Worse still, the books often include the authors’ subjective opinions, thus influencing people’s attitudes towards an issue. Whereas watching the scenario, our own opinions would appear in the mind with nothing disturbing our thoughts. For these reasons, I have no choice to say that we can learn more from television.

It is true that book has its own benefits that a television could not surpass, especially when television is not available to us outside. For example,if we want to experience the pleasure sit in the sunshine on the green lawn to learn something, we can fulfill this goal with the help of a book, not a TV. However, in my experience, most people may not prefer to study on the open area. So I can confidently conclude that people could learn more from TV than by book

作者: brace1016 时间: 2013-1-1 13:06
那个啥，我现在都是写机经的作文。所以可能跟你们写的不一样哦。凑合着改改哈。

作者: lillian馨 时间: 2013-1-1 13:13

那个啥，我现在都是写机经的作文。所以可能跟你们写的不一样哦。凑合着改改哈。

-- by 会员 brace1016 (2013/1/1 13:06:31)

那我是不是就改你三十号发的那一篇？就只有那一篇还没人改呢~~

作者: brace1016 时间: 2013-1-1 13:21
可以的啦，我又发了一篇今天。马上考试了，就找了机经来写了。谢谢了哦

作者: lillian馨 时间: 2013-1-1 14:24

可以的啦，我又发了一篇今天。马上考试了，就找了机经来写了。谢谢了哦

-- by 会员 brace1016 (2013/1/1 13:21:01)

好的，我改好了你的30号发的那篇~~

作者: lillian馨 时间: 2013-1-2 09:15
1.1 这篇貌似已经考过了，曾经写的，也让人看过，跟最近的作文写的不是一个模式。我今天就写别的了。对于这篇asd给我看看需要改进什么，提提宝贵的建议。
Patience is usually not a good strategy. We should take action now rather than later.

Just as Confucius, the greatest philosopher and educator in the ancient China, once commented:” look before you leap”. In the light of this noble sage’s guide, I persist that people should, in most cases, think twice.

To begin with, to take action after prudent contemplation can effectively avoid the possible risk. people who do not make decision or act immediately are those want to acquire more accurate and authentic information, by means of searching the internet or turning to the informative. My friend Jim, a college student, needs an advisor taking the responsibility forhis long-term suggestion about his career plan. Although the first advisor he consulted charged less, my friend did not pay the deposit. The reality proved that Jim’s decision was right. That advisor had made up his mind to change a job and delivered the application letter to another company. He was unlikely to provide long-term suggestion for my friend. This case is not rare, virtually, an action taken later has made many people elude the economic loss.

Apart from the the first reason, another must be added. Since people are more likely to cherish the thing that costs them a lot of effort, the actions taken after a group of research can ensure that we have the persistence to insist on the decision. As a matter of fact, the more effort people have made, the less possible it is that people give up when facing with difficulties. There are few obstacles that can force me to abandon my determination to go abroad for further study because I have made so much preparation before. If I took action in a hurry, I would have surrendered long before due to the difficult tests and complicated application letters.

Admittedly, it may be true that actions should be taken as soon as possible in some situations, especially when a leader discovers a conflict between co-workers. The harmony, which determines the efficiency, is the most essential part of cooperation. Once the divergence among co-workers exerts pressure on the harmonious atmosphere, the leader has to deal with this problem in a second to stop the further detrimental effect. However, this case is specific and too week to support the idea that patience is not a good strategy. Thus, I insist that before taking action, we should ponder over the problem and be patient.

作者: 45573asdasd 时间: 2013-1-2 11:56

Just as Confucius, the greatest philosopher and educator in the ancient China（黄的是好句）, once commented:” look before you leap（疑惑啊。。。是这样的吗？这翻译过来早呢么看着这么像小盆友写的啊）”. In the light of this noble sage’s guide, I persist that people should, in most cases, think twice.

To begin with, to take action after prudent contemplation can effectively avoid the possible risks. people who do not make decision or act immediately are those who want to acquire more accurate and authentic information, by means of searching the internet or turning to the informative（形容词？）. My friend Jim, a college student, needs an advisor taking the responsibility for his long-term suggestion about his career plan. Although the first advisor he consulted charged less, my friend did not pay the deposit（美国人很直的，你写什么一定要有照应，突兀来个定金有点跳跃，就是not pick him 就好）. The reality proved that Jim’s decision was right. That advisor had made up his mind to change a job and delivered the application letter to another company. He（来来回回都不知道是谁了。写明多好~） was unlikely to provide long-term suggestion for my friend（JIm就是Jim，你这样会让考官觉得又来一个人）. This case is not rare（this kind of cases）, virtually, an action taken later has made many people elude the economic loss.（叙述的时候最好一环扣一环，而且后面的故事好像很不好理解，开始是给suggestion 后来又跳到change a job and delivered the application letter to another company。这俩行为好像关联不紧啊）

Apart from the the first reason, another must be added. Since people are more likely to cherish the thing that costs them a lot of effort, the actions taken after a group of research can ensure that we have the persistence to insist（重复了） on the decision. As a matter of fact, the more effort people have made, the less possible it is that people give up when facing ~~with~~difficulties. There are few obstacles that can force me to abandon my determination to go abroad for further study because I have made so much preparation before. If I took action in a hurry, I would have surrendered long before due to the difficult tests and complicated application letters.

Admittedly, it may be true that actions should be taken as soon as possible in some situations, especially when a leader discovers a conflict between co-workers. The harmony, which determines the efficiency, is the most essential part of cooperation. Once the divergence among co-workers exerts pressure on the harmonious atmosphere, the leader has to deal with this problem in a second to stop the further detrimental effect. However, this case is specific and too week to support the idea that patience is not a good strategy. Thus, I insist that before taking action, we should ponder over the problem and be patient.（结尾很好）
还是不错的，但有些表达确实chinglish比较明显我觉得很具体的一个窍门就是多用点which来修饰句子中的名词显长而且显句子组织能力，长短句交替，切忌跳跃思维，你的第一个例子我都看不明白，更何况老美。加油~~~！

作者: lillian馨 时间: 2013-1-2 13:04

Just as Confucius, the greatest philosopher and educator in the ancient China（黄的是好句）, once commented:” look before you leap（疑惑啊。。。是这样的吗？这翻译过来早呢么看着这么像小盆友写的啊）”. In the light of this noble sage’s guide, I persist that people should, in most cases, think twice.

To begin with, to take action after prudent contemplation can effectively avoid the possible risks. people who do not make decision or act immediately are those who want to acquire more accurate and authentic information, by means of searching the internet or turning to the informative（形容词？）. My friend Jim, a college student, needs an advisor taking the responsibility for his long-term suggestion about his career plan. Although the first advisor he consulted charged less, my friend did not pay the deposit（美国人很直的，你写什么一定要有照应，突兀来个定金有点跳跃，就是not pick him 就好）. The reality proved that Jim’s decision was right. That advisor had made up his mind to change a job and delivered the application letter to another company. He（来来回回都不知道是谁了。写明多好~） was unlikely to provide long-term suggestion for my friend（JIm就是Jim，你这样会让考官觉得又来一个人）. This case is not rare（this kind of cases）, virtually, an action taken later has made many people elude the economic loss.（叙述的时候最好一环扣一环，而且后面的故事好像很不好理解，开始是给suggestion 后来又跳到change a job and delivered the application letter to another company。这俩行为好像关联不紧啊）

Apart from the the first reason, another must be added. Since people are more likely to cherish the thing that costs them a lot of effort, the actions taken after a group of research can ensure that we have the persistence to insist（重复了） on the decision. As a matter of fact, the more effort people have made, the less possible it is that people give up when facing ~~with~~difficulties. There are few obstacles that can force me to abandon my determination to go abroad for further study because I have made so much preparation before. If I took action in a hurry, I would have surrendered long before due to the difficult tests and complicated application letters.

Admittedly, it may be true that actions should be taken as soon as possible in some situations, especially when a leader discovers a conflict between co-workers. The harmony, which determines the efficiency, is the most essential part of cooperation. Once the divergence among co-workers exerts pressure on the harmonious atmosphere, the leader has to deal with this problem in a second to stop the further detrimental effect. However, this case is specific and too week to support the idea that patience is not a good strategy. Thus, I insist that before taking action, we should ponder over the problem and be patient.（结尾很好）
还是不错的，但有些表达确实chinglish比较明显我觉得很具体的一个窍门就是多用点which来修饰句子中的名词显长而且显句子组织能力，长短句交替，切忌跳跃思维，你的第一个例子我都看不明白，更何况老美。加油~~~！

-- by 会员 45573asdasd (2013/1/2 11:56:17)

这是我以前写的，只想着要用好的句子往上摞字数，让你纠结了！我之后把第一个例子给好好改改！

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