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标题: 写的作文不知道大概什么程度麻烦各位指点下吧！！！拜托了 [打印本页]

作者: 胡xiaohuan09 时间: 2012-11-29 16:52
标题: 写的作文不知道大概什么程度麻烦各位指点下吧！！！拜托了
分我把自己写的其中两篇拿过来大家帮着看看能大概多少分啊？3分有没有啊？？麻烦各位了！
1.The video camera provides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records
At the first glance of the speaker’s opinion the opinion seems to be somewhat appealing but further reflection tells me that I cannot agree with it
Throughit is known to us all that with the development of the economic and technology our life have made a big change in a lot of respects It is obvious that the development of records of contemporary life has make our life much more color since it can record much more clearly and realityas well as integralthan the record way which we will used before and traditional what is morewith the advanced way of record we can record much more thing with a faster speed and with more accurate so that we can leave much more memorize in our daily life sothat we can review it when we are old or when we need to review it .besides ,with the new way of records of video camera we can do some record use less time and less energy so that we can do it much more convenient .
Will when further reflection we can find the opinion is not so convincing just as the speaker suggest that the new way of record is a more important form of documentation than written records .because we all know that with much convenient of the new record way the money that we afford to it is more than the written record so that would lead some people can not afford the money and for these people they will think the written record is much better than the video camera. in addition ,thebody of the machine is bigger so it is hard as well as tired to take it with us as for a way of written record is much easy to do ,one just need take a notebook or several pieces of papers as well as a pen to record .what is more , through the written record one can records more details as well as the felling and opinion at that time but the machine of video can only record some information such as a vision of the action as well as some sightseeing or some expression on the facewithout someaction of internal or some real emotion of ones own.
In sum the new way of record such as the video camera ,and the traditional way of record such as written have their own advantages and disadvantage s so it is not right to rash toassume which one is much more important and which one is much better we should balance their advantage when we use it in different ways so that we can make them offer much more assistanceto our life .

2. All nations should help support the development of a global university designed to engage students in the process of solving the world's most persistent social problems."

I fundamentally agree with the speaker’s opinion insofar that all the nations should help support the development of a global university designedto engage students in the process of solving the world’s mostpersistent social problems

As we all know that some social problems are insistent in almost all of the societies through the level of harmful ise problem of energy short not the same such as the problems of air pollution and the problem of economic crisis as well as the energy shortage ,their own reasons why them will rouseor may these problems happen on different backgrounds but these problemsare persistentproblems and have been lived in the society for a long time with no implement to solve them only depend on their own knowledge so to some extent engage students from different countries in the process of solving these problem may make a breakthrough on these problems because they can discuss their opinions and views with different value and different knowledge as well as different backgrounds so these interactions may promote new implements which can surely solve these problems what is more ,some solutions which does not fit one country may have some effect on the other country so they can change their earlier strategy which make no effect on their own country .

In addition a national school can help make the world to be a harmoniousworld because of the engagement can make different students from different countries as well as different religions respect and know the difference ,help them promote a harmonious vision so that would make it is possible for all the nations to allied to solve the problem and reduce some war which is also a persistent problem in the world.

What is more ,in fact a global university not only can help solve the problem that the speaker suggested but also can make the students from different areas learn more things with can surely broaden their horizon and improve their abilities to solve some problems for example they will be better at dealingwith the situations whenone hasdifferent opinions with them .they also can promote a behave of cooperation which all good at solving the national persistent problemsin addition ,students from different country study in the same university is good for the development of under development to keep pace with the trend of world’s development and they also have the chance to absorb the advanced technology and knowledge so that will make an effectthe development together all over the world in fact that can surely solve the economic problem of some under developmentcountry.

In sum the national should help support the development of a global universitybut also can help improve the ability of students .

作者: 竹林中人 时间: 2012-11-29 23:17
At the first glance of the speaker’s opinionthe opinion seems to be somewhat appealing but further reflection tells me thatI cannot agree with it 开头过于简单，最好谈谈你对话题的理解或者相关的背景，再给出自己的立场和态度（包括简要的提示下文的原因）

Through it is known to us all that with thedevelopment of the economic and technology our life have made a big change in alot of respects It is obvious that the development of records ofcontemporary life has make our life much more colorful since it can record muchmore clearly and reality as well as integral than the recording way which wewill used before and traditional what is more with the advanced way of recordwe can record much more thing with a faster speed and with more accurate sothat we can leave much more memorize in our daily life so that we can review itwhen we are old or when we need to review it .besides ,with the new way ofrecords of video camera we can do some record use less time and less energy sothat we can do it much more convenient .很难想象这么一句话，你写进了多少信息，看的人必须没耐心看下去了。

Will when further reflection we can find theopinion is not so convincing just as the speaker suggest that the new way ofrecord is a more important form of documentation than written records .becausewe all know that with much convenient of the new record way the money that weafford to it is more than the written record so that would lead some people cannot afford the money and for these people they will think the written record ismuch better than the video camera. in addition ,the body of the machine is biggerso it is hard as well as tired to take it with us as for a way of writtenrecord is much easy to do ,one just need take a notebook or several pieces ofpapers as well as a pen to record .what is more , through the written recordone can records more details as well as the felling and opinion at that timebut the machine of video can only record some information such as a vision ofthe action as well as some sightseeing or some expression on the face without someaction of internal or some real emotion of ones own.

In sum the new way of record such as the videocamera ,and the traditional way of record such as written have their ownadvantages and disadvantage s so it is not right to rash toassume which one ismuch more important and which one is much better we should balance theiradvantage when we use it in different ways so that we can make them offer muchmore assistanceto our life .
你把整个话题给简单化处理了，把technology限制到了recording method上了，这跟Issue的要求complexity是相悖的，另外这篇文章中用词的准确性存在很大问题。建议ＬＺ好好读读ＯＧ上的范文以及上面对ＡＷ的明确要求和评分标准

作者: 竹林中人 时间: 2012-11-29 23:18
Issue三分，这两篇个人感觉比较难拿

作者: 胡xiaohuan09 时间: 2012-11-30 18:05
谢谢谢谢!!! 我会朝着这个方向努力的！！！太感谢了！！！！

作者: 胡xiaohuan09 时间: 2012-11-30 18:12
可是这篇文章就是让写 recording method 比以前旧的方法好呀? 那么我的观点就是它主要好在了技术上呀、为什么您会说把技术限制在了它上边呢？？我不明白啊？？？麻烦了

作者: 胡xiaohuan09 时间: 2012-11-30 18:46
还有就是麻烦问下这样看来我aw大概多少分呢？？下边是argument 麻烦了提提意见吧

Argument

The following appeared in a memorandum issued by the strategic planning department at Omni

Inc.

“Mesa Foods, a manufacturer of snack foods that currently markets its products within a

relatively small region of the country, has strong growth potential. Mesa enjoyed a 20 percent

increase in profits last year, and its best-selling product, Diabolique Salsa, has had increased sales

over each of the past three years. Since Omni Inc. is interested in reaching 14-to-25 year olds, the

age group that consumes the most snack food, we should buy Mesa Foods, and concentrate in

particular on marketing Diabolique Salsa throughout the country.”

As for the speaker’s opinion that the reason that if the Omni Inc buy Mesa food and concentrate in particular on marketing Diabolique Salsa through will be good for the advancement of the companycan not make me believe that the succeed will be made

Because from the information that the speaker provide we can know that the Mesa Foods’ productshave a strong growth potential but it can not suggestion that it will be sure that the company will keep increase in the potential and the information that the increase happened in a small region that can not symbol that the increase will be the same throughout the country Different areas of peoplemayhave different opinion about the snack .besides 20 percent increase in profits last year can not suggest thatthe profit will still increase in this year and the reason that the increase of the profit may because of some special reason as well as some unusual reasons such as the unavailable of other snacks or because of the increase of the price of other foods and so on ,what is more ,since the Omni Inc is interested in reaching 14-to-25 year old but there is no information that suggest mesa food also interest in the same age level so that buy the food of the mesa may can not increase the sale amount of product and the profit of the company ,in addition the speaker didn’t analyze any information about the internal factorsof thetwocompany ,because combine the two company may influence the other part of the company and bring some bad effects, furthermore just depend the information that the Salsa is popular in the small area can not dominate that it would be also popular in other areas so concentrate on marketing it may lead to a decrease in sale
In sum only depends on the information that the speaker showedcan not convince me in order to make me believe that the combine of the mesa food and concentrate on the salsa the speaker must show a compelling information that can make sure the Mesa food also popular throughout the country and can surely keep the increase in profit after the combine

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