标题: Saturn的作文贴，磨练自己的意志，求各位大神重炮轰击。。。 [打印本页] 作者: Saturn光环 时间: 2012-11-15 23:55 标题: Saturn的作文贴，磨练自己的意志，求各位大神重炮轰击。。。 先开一贴，初来乍到Chasedream，看了很多前辈都把自己备战toefl作文的经历挂在了网上，看到了，晨依，鸟儿，霏霏等各位大神小神，大牛小牛，等等把你们的进步都留在了论坛上，觉得对我是很大的触动。 我也想要加油，以前辈为榜样奋斗奋斗。。。。。。。 于是有了这个帖子，励志要把toefl作文练到25分以上。 马上跟上作文贴。。。各位大神不用客气的拍砖吧。。。作者: Saturn光环 时间: 2012-11-16 01:51
11.15独立作文：Agree or disagree: your job has greater happiness than your social life.
Opinions on this topic is diveged in two directions. Some think that we can get greater happiness in our social life due to the pleasant atmosphere where you can meet your friends and have chat with them. Yet I think social life is just a break during the work, so the most time you will devote into, the sense of achievement you will get, the potential abilities you will discover is during your job. Thus your job will recieve more happiness than your social life. Your Jobs will give you a sense of achievement that social life can not give. Take entertainment business as a example, one of most famous singer Taylor Swift. She is gifted person can put into words her feelings in a way that instantly become ralatable to everyone. The success of her career has been approved by so many her fans. She is the one create the happiness, the one enjoy creating happiness. It's happy to live in a place where everyone want to make contribution to. At infomation age, the pace of producing become faster and faster, which requires us to challenge ourselves to work harder. Otherwise, you may lose the oppotunities to get promoted or make money. It's really good for everyone, and it's fair for eveyone. The competition simply striped away the lower productive system, and make the way for the highly productive system. In this case, capable people can make our city a better place to live thus their work will earn more approval from the citizens. Challenge will dig out our potential talent. Human resources is like natural resources, it is often buried very deep. You have to look for it, not just hanging around on the surface. Challenge simply give us a chance to achieve a goal within a certain time, however it also followed the discovery of your ability and compliment from others. For example, one of my work is to design a tea house base on the requirement, it takes me 3 days to look for all the material in library about Architecture, and another 3 days to draw a first draft base on the right construction. After the office hour, it takes me another 3 days to revise the proposal. During the presentation, the applause after present a delicate house to teacher, All the work pay off and I also realize how much I enjoy the creating process. In conclusion, our job is an essential way we can feed back to our society. We can't live without society ,so that everyone need to show their spirits on their own position. Thus, to get your job done better is a thing you should be proud of, is a thing you should put you heart in, is the happiest thing you can do to your society.作者: Saturn光环 时间: 2012-11-16 15:20
自己修改了一下啊，貌似还是觉得有些句子太长，求大神纠正哈 11.15独立作文：Agree or disagree: your job has greater happiness than your social life.
Opinions on this topic is divided into two directions. Some think that we can get greater happiness in our social life due to the pleasant atmosphere where you can meet your friends and have a please chat, some think social life is just a break during the work, so your job ultimately contribute to estimation of your performance in the society whether good or not, which means if you work hard, you will receive more fun than you ever had. I agree with the latter one based on the reasons follow behind. The most of time you will devote into, the sense of achievement you will get, the potential abilities you will discover is during your job. Thus your job will receive more happiness than your social life. Your Jobs will give you a sense of achievement that social life can not give. Take entertainment business as an example, one of most famous singer Taylor Swift. She is a gifted person can put into words her feelings in a way that instantly become relatable to everyone. Her music is very detail-oriented, that is to say writing normal life in her unique angle, tell stories about everyone The success of her career has been approved by so many her fans. She is the one create the happiness, the one enjoy creating happiness. It's happy to live in a place where everyone want to make contribution to. At information age, the pace of producing become faster and faster, which requires us to challenge ourselves to work harder. Otherwise, you may lose oppotunities to get promoted or make money. It's really good for everyone, and it's fair for eveyone. The competition simply striped away the lower productive system, and make the way for the highly productive system. In this case, capable people can make our city a better place to live thus citizens willingly to accept the better service they offer. Challenge will dig out our potential talent. Human resources is like natural resources, it is often buried very deep. You have to look for it, not just hanging around on the surface. Challenge simply give us a chance to achieve a goal within a certain time, however it also followed the discovery of your ability and compliment from others. For example, one of my work is to design a tea house base on the requirement, it contains 9 books of reading material to analyze, 3 days to come up with a first draft on 3D model including measurable details, and also to revise several times according to teachers advice. The whole process lasts for a week. It's nothing better than watching your idea come into reality. After revise I can see the details on the windows and the wave curve on the roof, it's a beautiful traditional house and also I realize how much I enjoy the creating process. In conclusion, our job is an essential way we can feed back to our society. Consider the alternative, the society also need everyone of us We can't live without society ,so that everyone need to show their spirits on their own positions. Thus, to do a great job is the thing you should be proud of, is the thing you should put you heart in, is the happiest thing you can do to your society.作者: 晨依Jacqueline 时间: 2012-11-16 17:48
提了一点建议~~在附件里面。 以后直接在小分队互改就好了哦~ 期待你的进步~~~作者: Saturn光环 时间: 2012-11-16 20:04
哇，想不到这片拙文晨依姐还给了这么细致修改和评语啊，要是全世界的英语老师都有这细心的态度何愁英语学不好啊。 I will take your advice seriously. Thank you very much .You are awesome.作者: Saturn光环 时间: 2012-11-17 16:52
来一篇综合写作TPO18 The reading material and the speaker both concern about the issue that Torreya Taxifoha started to die out. Eventhough the reading material have some solutions to the problem, the professor in the lecture didn' t agree. Here are three points that professors challenge the solutions comed up in the reading material. First, one of solutions in the material suggest to solve the problem by choosing the proper place in Florida that can reestablish the Torreya. While the speaker challenge that by offering the fact that Florida may suffer from drier and drier mrcroclimate due to global warm, which makes Florida a unsustainable place for reestablishing the Torreya. Second, passage come up with idea to relocating the Torreya to the North, a warmer place might suit for Torreya. The professor reject this idea by concerning the relocation might cause unpredictable trouble like black tree relocation, spreading quickly that almost make the local species extincted. Third, last method to the issue is to preserve the Torreya in the research center. Also the professor strongly contradict it because there are not enough capacity in research center to preserve all species in the long period of time. In conclusion, the lecturer find none of the solutions in the material is plausible due to its fundamental flaw in each of them.作者: Saturn光环 时间: 2012-11-20 00:21
昨天1118一战作文写的速度好慢啊。半天才打出来300字，勉强及格，遥望1208。 好好努力。。。跟上今天作文贴。。。作者: Saturn光环 时间: 2012-11-20 00:21
1119 It is more important to choose friends that have fun with than to choose friends that will help you when you need them
Friends is strong bond that connect people. Human are social animal, we need friends to share feelings, communicate the information to live a better life. We can't live without friendships. But some people say it is more important to choose friends that have fun with than to choose friends that will help you when you need them. Yet I hold the opposite opinions. This essay will talk about reason the friends will help you when you need them is more important. Our life isn't always so easy, troubles can come to us at any time, it's crucial to have friends will help when you need them. For example, in business field, it's easy to meet friends only care about your state and your wealth, these friends can have good time together, if you take these people as your friends and build solid relationship with them you will make mistakes. Cause fair-weather friends may not help you when you in troubles, these will cause a disaster on your career, and you have no one to blame. Friends having fun together may not tell truth In order to catering your temper. Sometimes bliss feeling will blind you from the simple and obvious word from real friends. For example, a leader should hear information all around not just good things in order to preparing for the dangers income. It's dangerous to have a group of people who always cater to you. As time goes by, one can be spoiled by the wine and meat that can't take anything doesn't sound good. However, the truth seldom sound good. A retrievable disaster may happen because a leader may not realize what is truth. Making Friends just have fun with is not good for maintaining a long time friendship. But friends always need time to get know each other, There is a quitessential example in video games. If you have friends just enjoy winning together, he may start to blame each other when you loss, which will constitute a situation that no one would like to play with him. As I adequately put, have a friends when you need them is more essential. Fire tries gold is what adversity tries friends. So one can't recognize real friends until in trouble.作者: Saturn光环 时间: 2012-11-20 23:41
恩，1118考的就是这篇作文了，回忆了一下大概就是这么写的了吧。。。貌似还需要努力啊。。求狠批。。 Agree or disagree:university professors should spend more time doing research while others think they should spend more time educating students
University is representation of high education, family want their kids go to college to change their life. While university professors should spend more time doing research while others think they should spend more time educating students is on debate. Some think research can create great benefits for school and also bring a great reputation for the school, so teachers should spend more time in the lab. Others point out that passing along knowledge is the basic duty of a school. I agree with the latter based on the reasons give bellow. First, Communication it's important in university because that's where the innovational idea comes out. Teaching in the classroom simply create an environment that teachers and students can learn from each other. I remember in my Architecture class, our teacher hold an exhibition of the projects we've done and ask each of our project managers to present their idea about the original idea about the whole task in front of all students. While our teacher just sitting there and listening every person on the stage, The boundry between students and teachers seem disappear, every 'future manager' was excited speaking. The atmosphere are running high, and it's good experience to have everyone immerse in the classroom. Second, Teaching also gives students and teachers an oppotunity to get know each other. On one hand, we students need to learn more outside the classroom, If we can have more teachers at classroom, we can have wider perspective to choose the field which we willing to study further. It will ultimately contribute to getting more chance to work for the teacher or getting internship. On the other hand, teachers also can know more about their students and maybe select someone he thinks was capable to be his apprentice help in the lab or in regular work. Both of them need a chance to meet each other, classroom is an idea place.
As I adequately put, teaching in the classroom has significant impact on both teachers and students, so it is necessary for teacher to spend more time in the classroom.作者: 晨依Jacqueline 时间: 2012-11-21 12:02
还是尽量在大本营占座互改哈~加油！作者: Saturn光环 时间: 2012-11-27 20:28
11.27独立写作：an efficient leader will always try to make everyone feel that he's in part of a decision making.
A leader is always responsible for the whole team whether winning or losing. When it comes to decision making, the opinions about the leaders are diverged into two directions. Some claim that it's the leader's responsibility to determine the directions of future, while others stick that as a team member, everyone should participate in the decision making and make contribution to the whole team. I agree with the former one based on some reasons : unit detached views and form a cohesion in the team, save a lot of time and be more effective, avoid unnecessary arguments in a team. To begin with, in a team, people from different backgrounds thus everyone has one's own philosophy. Sometimes it's hard to unit those different people, that's why we need a leader in each team, to unit people together and actually executive their plan. For example, in a nonleadership group, the first thing they should do is pick a leader. Because without a leader making decision on what they should do next, they will achieve nothing. Next, the essence of collaboration is give everyone specific work, so team members can focus on one thing each time and be more effective. The specific work of a leader is to make sure everyone can utilize their talents in specific area. For example, in an interview I've gone through, all interviewee was devided into two groups and required to do an task. I was the project manager in my team. After the short self introduction made by every teammates I made many decisive decision to have everyone started to accomplish some task. It eventually work out fine and we finish the task ahead of time. So executive decisions from the leader can save time and become more effective. In addition, if everyone is making decision, which one we will execute. These always lead to arguments even conflicts, none of these we hope to see. So the leader is key role to make the decision due to the high status in a team and with great respect which everyone should obey their leader based on the rules. A leader to a team is what a backbone to a body. It's a leader's responsibility to connect and communicate with the teammates and dissolve the misunderstandings and arguments in decision making. As I mentioned in previous situation, leader should not let everyone participate in the decision making. One can stay humble in the brainstorming when every teammate can give their opinions but when it comes to decision, that it, one should cut down the brainstorming and focus everyone on actual task and push the plan forward. In that case, a team can achieve success.作者: Saturn光环 时间: 2012-11-27 20:35
不懂怎么占座啊。。今天能安排给我互批的吗？我在22:00点前占座了。作者: Saturn光环 时间: 2012-11-28 15:09
It is better to relax by watching a movie or reading a book than by doing physical exercise. Nowadays, citizens have a lot of stress, especially in big city. In order to catching up with their rival, the executive in a company always pushes their employees work harder and harder. So, it's crucial for people have their own way to run away from the stress. When it comes to relax, some people prefer to watch TV or reading a book, others like to do physical exercise. Me? After long day at work, there is nothing better than sitting in the coach and blanking my head. I will give you some reasons. First, watching movie or book is the most convenient and easy way to relax. We don't have to go outside the house or additional preparation to feel relax. Comparing with the physical exercise, for example, if I want to play basketball when I'm finish work, I would have to call my friends, book the arena, I have to do laundry after playing. It's easy to screw my relaxing time due to bad weather or absence of my friends. All in all, I don't want to do these complex work after one day work. So I would sit in front of TV and think about nothing anymore. That's relax. Second, watching a movie can release your stress. There are various of program on TV for you to choose from, comedy will make you laugh, romantic movie will make you cry. Laughing with the comedian can cure your pressure because laughter can help you forget unhappy things in life. Crying with the movie is also a good way to relax because the more people cry, the less pressure people bear. Movies simply permits people to objectify their anxieties and fears, confront them, and fulfill their hopes in fiction if not fact. Moreover, it's the most flexible way for everyone. We can read a book at any time since it's easy to carry with. We could utilize the time taking a subway, waiting in the line and so on. There is no more limitation for you to read your book and also there are many kinds of books for all kinds of people. In contrast, for some people like my grandfather, who are unable to do a lot of exercise, so reading book has become his favorite hobby and he has a great time in reading. To conclude, people live in the city always come across the barrier and challenge everyday, to be able to have a certain way to release the pressure is essential to everyone. Thus, it's a good way to watch movie and relax yourself by immersing in the program, which can block out from the stress.作者: 235852140 时间: 2012-11-28 20:10
11.27独立写作：an efficient leader will always try to make everyone feel that he's in part of a decision making.
错误意见好 A leader is always responsible for the whole team whether winning or losing. When it comes to decision making, the opinions about the leaders are diverged into two directions. Some claim that it's the leader's responsibility to determine the directions of future, while others stick that as a team member, everyone should participate in the decision making and make contribution to the whole team. I agree with the former one based on some reasons : unit detached views （单元分离的观点？什么意思。是总结不同的观点么。）and form a cohesion in the team, save a lot of time and be more effective, avoid unnecessary arguments in a team.（多项并列则最后一项前面加and,其他的不用加）
To begin with, in a team, people from different backgrounds thus everyone has one's own philosophy.（画线部分，到底是people做主语还是everyone做主语。thus是连词，前面都不是一个句子加个连词干什么？或者是people后面忘了写come。总之不对。） Sometimes it's hard to unit（终于知道为什么是unit了，你想说的是unite，少个e，意思就变了。） those different people, （这里没有连词就是run-on句型，或者把逗号改成句号。） that's why we need a leader in each team, to unit people together and actually （副词使用不准确。翻译过来很别扭。）executive their plan. For example, in a nonleadership group, the first thing they should do is pick a leader. Because without a leader making decision on what they should do next, they will achieve nothing. （这段再讲leader的重要性，为什么TEAM要有leader,和try to make everyone feel that he's in part of a decision making有关系吗？另外，此段的第一句讲的是：每个人因为背景不同而都有自己的观点。按照老美的思想，或者toefl的惯例，每段的第一句应该是这段的概括，或者说应该是一个分论点。但这句显然不是分论点，而是一个原因。所以这段的结构、内容、逻辑都有问题。）
Next,（建议不要这么说，很口语。说moreover也行啊） the essence of collaboration is give everyone specific work, so team members can focus on one thing each time and be more effective. （看完这句，我又要问了，“合作的本质是给每个人特定的工作，因此团队成员能够专注于一件事…” 这和我们的TOPIC有直接关系吗？ 这还是一句应该放在段落中间的论述性语言。） The specific work of a leader is to make sure everyone can utilize their talents in specific area. For example, in an interview I've gone through, all interviewee was devided into two groups and required to do an task. I was the project manager in my team. After the short self introduction made by every teammates I made many decisive decision to have everyone started to accomplish some task（+s）. It eventually work（+ed） out fine and we finish the task ahead of time. So executive decisions from the leader can save time and become more effective.（这最后一句才是个分论点，建议挪到第一句去，这样老美才不会看晕了）
In addition, if everyone is making decision, which one we will execute. （改问号）These always lead to arguments even conflicts, none of these we hope to see. So the leader is （+the） key role to make the decision due to the high status in a team and with great respect which everyone should obey their leader based on the rules. （which引导的定于从句修饰谁？这里which前面是respect。难道修饰它？而且which后面都是完整的一句了。）A leader to a team is what a backbone to a body. It's a leader's responsibility to connect and communicate with the teammates and dissolve the misunderstandings and arguments in decision making. （还是再讲leader应该做什么。。leader有多重要。。）
As I mentioned in previous situation, leader should not let everyone participate in the decision making. （这句总结也不太合题意。） One can stay humble in the brainstorming when every teammate can give their opinions but when it comes to decision, that it, one should cut down the brainstorming and focus everyone on actual task and push the plan forward.（这句真是不知所云。另外不要总说should这个词，不太好。）In that case, a team can achieve success.
总结： 思路：我觉得亲的文章更像是在讨论这样一个话题：the leader should make decisions with team members or only by himself，或者leader的重要性。。 我觉得这和make everyone feel that he's in part of decision making是不一样的。有一个feel在里面。而且亲的文中三个分论点其实是一点：就是leader很重要，leader能统一大家的意见，leader自己做决定好。亲想反对这个话题，可以从always这个词入手，来说不是在所有时候，leader都要让每个人参与进来。然后例举一些情况下，比如公司的financial问题，比如公司的长远计划等。还可以从everyone这个词入手，说让每个人都获得这种参与感是不现实的，很难，bulabula，那样会造成各种时间和精力的浪费等。 语言：很多用词不确切，不对。时态，单复数等细节问题也要注意。还有一些错误的句型，如果写不好长句宁可不写也不要范错啊。字数倒是超过400了，但是质量实在不行。要精写。 逻辑：最好段首句是分论点，然后阐述原因，最后再举例子。每个分论点不要有重复，要区分开来。如果能做到分论点层层递进则更好。
The reading material and the speaker both concern about the issue that Torreya Taxifoha started to die out. Eventhough the reading material have(has) some solutions to the problem, the professor in the lecture didn' t(did not) agree. Here are three points that professors（只有一个教授）challenges the solutions comed(come)up in the reading material.
First, one of solutions in the material suggests to solve the problem by choosing the（the用在这里不妥，它是表特指，proper place没有出现过，这里用a或者proper places更好） proper place in Florida that can reestablish the Torreya. While the speaker challenges(单数后面记得加s，challenge之前用过了，可以换成question，refuse之类的) that by offering the fact that Florida may suffer from drier and drier mrcroclimate（microclimate） due to global warm（global warming全球变暖，是专有名词）, which makes Florida a unsustainable place for reestablishing the Torreya.
Second, passage comes up with (an) idea to relocating the Torreya to the North, a warmer place might suit for Torreya. The professor rejects this idea by concerning the relocation might cause unpredictable trouble like black tree relocation（这里搭配不当，毕竟relocation不是problem，是之后的结果产生了biological disaster）, spreading(so) quickly that (it) almost makes the local species extincted（extinct就是形容词）.
Third, （the）last method to the issue is to preserve the Torreya in the research center. Also the professor strongly contradicts it because there are not enough capacity in research center to preserve all species in the long period of time(感觉有点长，试试换成in the long run).
In conclusion, the lecturer finds none of the solutions in the material is plausible due to its fundamental flaw in each of them.
最后的这个结尾不错~
Conclusion:
1.注意谓语动词和主语搭配一致，这个问题很突出
2.Didn’t这样的短语要分开写,come的过去分词是come,尽量不要犯这样的错误哦
3.注意冠词的使用，the last...是固定搭配，另外a就是泛指
4.进步的空间还很大，加油！ 作者: 小滋滋 时间: 2012-11-30 08:29 It is better to relax by watching a movie or reading a book than by doing physical exercise. Nowadays, citizens have a lot of stress, especially in big city. In order to catching up with their rival, the executive in a company always pushes their employees work harder and harder.（可以试着合成一句话 citizen suffer stress from executive who…in order to… ） So, it's crucial for people to have their own way to run away from the stress. When it comes to relaxation, some people prefer to watch TV or reading a book, others like to do physical exercise. Me? After a long day at work, there is nothing better than sitting in the coach and blanking my head. I will give you some reasons. First, watching movie or book is the most convenient and easy way to relax. We don't have to go outside the house or make additional preparation in advance to feel relax. Comparing with the physical exercise, for example, if I want to play basketball when I'm finish work, I would have to call my friends, book the arena, I have toand do laundry after playing. In addition, it’s easy to screw my relaxing time due to bad weather or absence of my friends. All in all, I don't want to do these complex works after one day work. So I would sit in front of TV and think about nothing anymore. That does relax myself.(试着改下，仅供参考啊) Second, watching a movie can release your stress. There are various of program on TV for you to choose from,. Comedy will make you laugh, romantic movie will make you cry(最好写三个,构成个排比). Laughing with the comedian can cure your pressure because laughter can help you forget unhappy things in life. Crying with the movie is also a good way to relax because the more people cry, the less pressure people bear. Movies simply permits people to objectify their anxieties and fears, confront them, and fulfill their hopes in fiction if not fact（？）. Moreover, it's the most flexible way for everyone. We can read a book at any time since it's easy to carry with. We could utilize the time of taking a subway, waiting in the line and so on. There is no more limitation for you to read your book and also there are many kinds of books for all kinds of people. In contrast, for some people like my grandfather, who are unable to do a lot of exercise, so (前面没有句子，不需要加连词)reading book has become his favorite hobby and he has a great time in reading. To conclude, people live in the city always come across the barrier and challenge everyday, to be able to have（有点啰嗦,而且这个地方需要加个连词） a certain way to release the pressure is essential to everyone. Thus, it's a good way to watch movie and relax yourself by immersing in the program, which can block out from the stress.
1.应该长短句结合，例如第一段前两句话，就可以和在一起说，如果分开说，感觉第一句话过于简单。
2.论据想的很好，多注意下句式变化语法
一点愚见，望共同进步@@ 作者: Saturn光环 时间: 2012-11-30 21:30
20 century has witnessed development of modern industry. In old model, factory release lots of gas that make the air stale than it ever was. Furthermore, the greenhouse gas have resulted in serious global warming. Until recently, more and more people realize the importance of the environment protection even if we have to decelerate the pace of economic development. I strongly agree that protection should put in a superior position than economy development based on following reasons. First, the drastic climate changes have constituted an escalating probability of disaster. Extreme weather can come for us at any time. For example, Hurricane Sandy attacked New York recently, left cities in Chaos, streets flooded, homes damaged, millions of households without power. According to an investigation, the superstorm will end up causing about 20 billion U.S. dollars in property damages and 10 billion to 30 billion dollars more in business losses. Such disasters will affect us more frequently than it ever was unless we pay more attention to it. Second, our economy has developed at the cost of the environment, which can't last for long time. Our natural resource is about to be used up catering to development of economy. It's unreasonable to build our economic system on ravening resource. And the only way out is transferring our economy modes to environmental friendly, which benefits both our economy and environment. Moreover, putting the environment protection in superior position can also benefit economy. For example, Brazil government carry on the biofuel technology policy, which benefit for the rain forest in Brazil and has reduce emission of carbon dioxide at near 2 billion tons. Biofuel technology policy also create win-win situation in Brazil. The prosperity in Agriculture is supporting farmers growing bean, sugarcane, peanuts etc. Besides earth that we have lived for millions year, there is nowhere else we can live. Being responsible for our environment is being responsible for ourselves and for our children. So we should put environmental protection in superior position than economic development.
