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标题: 阿伦艾佛森的作文 [打印本页]
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2012-10-3 15:18
标题: 阿伦艾佛森的作文
10月3日独立作业
It seems that human now face a life which has a fast pace. Everything needs to be done in a high rate. So many people think that it is useless for us to have patience to deal with issue. However, I think that being patient can help us get rid of risk, make a better choice and cultivate our inner peace.
Firstly, making a decision at once always brings us some bad effects. Without a deeply thinking, we often make mistakes. For example, once one of my aunt’s colleagues told my aunt and her friend to buy stocks because they can make profit through this way. My aunt’s friend was so exciting and used 10000 dollar to buy them immediately. Yet, my aunt took a consideration and analyzed the market and finally decided not to buy them. Two weeks later, bear trap, the friend of my aunt lost nearly half of her money. If she was patient and took a deep thought before she bought them, she would not lose her money.
Moreover, patience can help us make a better choice before we take an action. My sister is a girl who is smart and brilliant in her study. She always got number one in her school and her teacher advised her to study aboard one day. She wanted to go aboard too so she told my mother about her thoughts. My mother not replied her at once but allowed her to attend a summer campus in Harvard University. Half of the month later when she came back home, she told my mother that she didn’t want to study aboard anymore because she had problems to deal with the relationship with her partner and she really missed home. Had my mother decided to send her aboard without patient thinking, my sister would have stayed there just half a month.
Thirdly, in Kongfu Panda2, inner peace becomes key words for Paul finally defeats that peacock. However, in reality, cultivating inner peace is not an easy thing for us to achieve when we can’t use our patient heart to think about our problems. Panda defeats the peacock because he finally slows down his pace and thinks about his goal for several times. Using this patience helps him become the hero and a real master. We should learn this patient spirit from him and then we can reach our own peaceful harbor of our heart.
10月3日综合写作作业
according to the reading, we know that the writer illustrates an issue about selling fossils is not a good development and uses three opinions to prove his argument. The professor in the lecture deals with the same question, however, in different ideas.
Firstly, the reading thinks that fossils collected by private will make it harder for us to see and decline our interests in fossils. Yet the professor argues that commercial using of fossils can help us have more opportunity to see them because when the schools purchase the fossils they will display them.
Secondly, the reading tells that scientists will lose access to fossils and they will miss some important finding about extinct life forms. However, the professor says that this opinion is not true because scientists should verify the fossils at the first time before fossils sell to the individual and every detail can pass through their hands so they will not miss the important part of the fossil.
Thirdly, the writer thinks that private collector will not carefully treat the fossils because of their commercial use. Nevertheless, the professor says that it is more important to find those fossils than completely undiscovered.
作者: 超级无敌小鹤鹤 时间: 2012-10-3 15:58
不要重复开帖。。。小分队作业统一发在一个帖中。。。
我把你的还有一篇作文也放这个帖子了，那个帖锁了。。。
作者: wsywsy1 时间: 2012-10-4 08:18
我是过来瞄瞄的～阿伦童鞋～
我现在在外面。。中午才能给你评哦～因为我现在是用手机上的～～
作者: wsywsy1 时间: 2012-10-4 12:01
It seems that human now face a life which has a fast pace. Everything needs to be done in a high rate. So many people think that it is useless for us to have patience to deal with issues. However, I think that being patient can help us get rid of risk, make a better choice and cultivate our inner peace.
Firstly, making a decision at once always brings us some bad effects. Without a deeply thinking, we often make mistakes. For example, once one of my aunt’s colleagues told my aunt and her friend to buy stocks because they can (could) make profit through this way. My aunt’s friend was so exciting(excited) and used 10000 dollars to buy them immediately. Yet, my aunt took into a consideration and analyzed the(我觉得加个situation会不会好点~变成 the situation of) market and finally decided not to buy them. Two weeks later, bear trap, the friend of my aunt lost nearly half of her money.(ms 有点问题，改为being trapped,因为是被骗了) If shewas patient and took a deep thought before she bought them, she would not lose her money.
Moreover, patience can help us make a better choice before we take an action. My sister is a girl who is smart and brilliant in her study. She always got number one in her school and her teacher advised her to study aboard one day. She wanted to go aboard too so she told my mother about her thoughts. My mother not replied her at once but allowed her to attend a summer campus in Harvard University
.（个人觉得无关信息给得有点多了，简单交代一下背景就ok,突出重点嘛~）Half of the month later when she came back home, she told my mother that she didn’t want to study aboard anymore because she had problems to deal with the relationship with her partner and she really missed home. Had my mother decided to send her aboard without patient thinking, my sister would have stayed there just half a month.
Thirdly, in Kongfu Panda2, inner peace becomes key words（is crucial for这样也不错。~） for Paul which（会讲话的熊猫它算人还是什么。。如果是人就who了。。）finally defeats that peacock. However, in reality, cultivating inner peace is not an easy thing for us to achieve when we can’t use our patient heart to think about our problems. Panda defeats the peacock because he finally slows down his pace and thinks about his goal for several times. Using this patience helps him become the（a） hero and a real master. We should learn this patient spirit from him and then we can reach our own peaceful harbor of our heart.
（例子举得不错嗷~~鼓掌）
哈喽~我来改作文~改得不好，见谅哦~
简单说一下嗷~
亲的例子都能支撑观点~但是嗷，ms还少了一个结尾哦~还有无关信息给得太多了，尤其是Sister 出国那件事哦~简单交代一下，突出主题就OK了~
互相学习互相促进嗷~
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2012-10-4 19:16
知道了，不好意思哦~！谢谢你！
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2012-10-4 19:19
谢谢你的辛苦修改啊。~！我会努力修正我的问题的。！
作者: vanessa923 时间: 2012-10-4 23:04
标题: 改TPO13综合
黄亮精彩，蓝色建议，红色错误。
according（大写哦。。） to the reading, we know that（个人建议不用这个，因为你是要站在客观角度去分析的） the writer illustrates an issue about（that） selling fossils is not a good development and uses three opinions（额建议换个词） to prove his argument. The professor in the lecture deals with the same question, however, in different ideas.
Firstly, the reading thinks that fossils collected by private（private what？） will make it harder for us to see （see what？）and decline our interests in fossils. Yet the professor argues that commercial using of fossils can help us have more opportunity to see them because when the schools purchase the fossils they will display them.（建议加个thus, instead ...来论述文中的观点不对)
Secondly, the reading tells that scientists will lose access to fossils and they will miss some important finding about extinct life forms. However, the professor says that this opinion is not true because scientists should verify the fossils at the first time before fossils sell（are sold) to the individual and every detail can pass through their hands so they(指代不明） will not miss the important part of the fossil.
Thirdly, the writer thinks that private collector will not carefully treat the fossils because of their commercial use.（总结和文中重点有偏差） Nevertheless, the professor says that it is more important to find those fossils than completely undiscovered.（建议再加句话说“所以，这又和文章不合blahblah。。。）
总结：建议再加个结尾吧。综合很容易就练上来的，相信自己哈。。。一起加油！
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2012-10-5 10:58
10月4日独立
The best way to increase students’ interest in a subject is to teach them the significance of the subject outside of school.
It seems that we can learn much different kinds of knowledge in our school such as history, chemistry and so on so forth. There raise a question: how we can learn these knowledge in a happy way? The best answer probably is that only by learning them outside and using these knowledge into a practical way, can we gain the interest.
First of all, emerging in pure nature can help us realize the knowledge effectively and interestingly. We can recognize different rocks and identify them in a real way not just through the pictures of our textbook; we can observe the habitat of the animals and watch insects dancing; we can also feel the smooth wind to increase our inspiration to draw pictures. Through these ways, our interests can be stimulated and we can learn more knowledge and understand more.
Moreover, learning outside can help students learn how to cooperate with others and cooperative work can help them finally get interested in subjects. Teachers always divide us into many groups before we go outside so that we can help each other and learn together. When we discuss with other students, we often have different interesting ideas about a same issue. We work together and learn together. Different student do different things. We divide the whole work into small parts and distribute them to many students. When they finish their work, they can feel satisfied and finally develop interest in this subject.
Last but not the least, during our childhood we all had our hobbies. They are minute, but exist. We like to fly kites, climb the trees and sometimes “steal ” other person garden’s apples. If we now have opportunities to go outside, we may no longer do these funny things. But other children still do them. So if we can go outside and watch they do, then add our knowledge into these behaviors it will really be interesting. We can remind of the aerodynamics when we see someone flying kites; we can illustrate the knowledge of universal gravitation during someone climbing trees; we can also use our psychology knowledge to analyze so-called “stealing” behavior. By this way, we can really learn knowledge in an interesting way.
In conclusion, going outside is an interesting way for us to learn more because contact nature, cooperate with others and put our knowledge in practical use are really interesting for us.
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2012-10-5 11:33
10月4日综合写作TPO14
The reading passage mainly provides us three benefits about salvage logging. The professor deals with the same issue, however, in different opinions.
Firstly, the lecture discuss that removing damaged trees is not necessary because the removal of the tree will make the soil lack of nutrient which differs from the main idea in reading that removing can help forests to grow up fresh trees.
Secondly, the professor made point that though dead trees will give a good habitat for some insects which is harmful to trees like spruce bark beetle, it will always provide a condition for some useful insects and birds. They will help the forest. By the way, the spruce bark beetle won’t damage the forest until they live more than hundred of years. The reading does not discuss this point.
Thirdly, the lecture supports the idea that though salvage logging has some benefit in economic, it will not last for a long time and carrying those woods will use many expensive facilities like helicopter. The jobs which the factories give are also temporary and they like to hire outside experienced workers more than local workers. This point disagrees with the point demonstrates in the reading.
In conclusion, the contends in the reading are contradicted by the professor and the professor has totally different ideas made in reading
（我综合写作超级弱，改我作文的同学费心了~！）
作者: wsywsy1 时间: 2012-10-5 13:39
It seems that we can learn much different kinds of(various也不错哦~) knowledge in our school such as history, chemistry and so on so forth. There raise a question: how we can learn these knowledges in a happy way? The best answer probably is that only by learning them outside and using these knowledges into a practical way, can we gain the interest effectively.
First of all, emerging in pure nature can help us realize the knowledge effectively and interestingly. We can recognize different rocks and identify them(个人认为有点点小啰嗦) in a real way not just through the pictures of our textbook; we can observe the habitat of the animals and watch insects dancing; we can also feel the smooth wind to(which may) increase our inspiration to draw pictures. Through these ways, our interests can be stimulated and we can learn more knowledge and understand more( 再加个名词会不会好些？).
Moreover, learning outside can help students learn how to cooperate with others，and cooperative work can help them finally get interested in subjects. Teachers always divide us into many（serveral也不错） groups before we go outside so that we can help each other and learn together. When we discuss with other students, we often have different interesting ideas about a same issue. We work together and learn together.Different students do different things（个人认为可以删，因为前面有相似的）So we can divide the whole work into small parts and distribute them to many students. When they finish their work, they can(will/might/may) feel satisfied and finally develop interest in this subject.
Last but not the least, during our childhood we all had our hobbies. They are minute, but exist. We like to fly kites, climb the trees and sometimes “steal ” other person garden’s apples（偷果这事还是别说了吧。。）小时候的事情是不是用过去时比较好。We used to …可以跟现在对比嘛. If we now have opportunities to go outside, we may no longer do these funny things. But other children still do them. So（删） if we can go outside and watch they do, then add our knowledge into these behaviors it will really be interesting. We can remind of the aerodynamics when we see someone flying kites; we can illustrate the knowledge of universal gravitation during someone climbing trees; we can also use our psychology knowledge to analyze so-called “stealing” behavior. By this way, we can really learn knowledge in an interesting way.
In conclusion, going outside is an interesting （ms interesting太多了）way for us to learn more because contacting nature, cooperating with others and putting our knowledge in practical uses are really interesting for us删去.
亲的例子不错看~But 我觉得偷果这事还是别说了嗷。
改得不好见谅嗷~
作者: Iszy 时间: 2012-10-5 22:02
阿伦，你好！我是Iszy, 负责修改你综合作文的，由于我今天外出有事，不能在今晚10:00前及时地改完你的作文了，请见谅！
不过放心，我会尽量在早些改完的，超时了，Sorry啦~~~
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2012-10-5 22:19
没关系没关系，你忙完再说，不要紧的！~
作者: Iszy 时间: 2012-10-6 17:04
红色为错误的地方，绿色为可改善的地方
The reading passage mainly provides us three benefits （provide sb with sth 或者 provide sth for sb；所以改为：provides us with three points.)about salvage logging. The professor deals with the same issue, however, in different opinions.(这里用“different”笼统地表达听力的观点，不太好；不同的意见不意味着相反的意见，可用opposite;其次这里有个小错误，“in different opinions" 不构成完整的句子，且不能共用“deal with"这个动作，所以最后一句可改为“ The professor deals with the same topic; however, she holds the opposite view.)
Firstly, the lecture discuss(discusses) that removing damaged trees is not necessary because the removal of the tree will make the soil lack of nutrient which differs from the main idea in reading that removing can help forests to grow up fresh trees.(没有这样表达的，想要表达的意思是“有利于森林长出新的树木”，正确的方式为：help new trees grow up in the damaged forests.)
Secondly, the professor made point (points out)that though dead trees will give (provide, provide sth for sb/give sth to sb) a good habitat for some insects which is harmful to trees like spruce bark beetle, it will always provide a condition for some useful insects and birds.They will help the forest.（benefit the forest)By the way, （用 in addition 会不会更好一点~~）the spruce bark beetle won’t damage the forest until they live more than hundred of years. （时态和搭配有问题呀，听力的原句是：spruce bark beetles have lived in Alaskan forest for nearly hundred years without causing major damage.要改成你想要表达的意思：spruce bark beetle hasn't ever damaged the forest since it lived there almost hundreds years ago.)The reading does not discuss this point.(这句多余了，易让人误解）
Thirdly, the lecture supports the idea that though salvage logging has some benefit in economic, it will not last for a long time and carrying those woods will use many expensive facilities（transportations 运输工具)like helicopter (helicopters). The jobs which the factories give(give一般指“无偿赠送”，改为offer) are also temporary and they like to hire outside experienced workers more than local workers. This point disagrees with the point demonstrates in the reading.(最好简要说明一下阅读第三个观点~~~）
其他建议：首句 "support the idea” 如果看得太快，可能会误以为professor 同意阅读的观点，最好一致用“反对”的句式表达吧~~~；其次，“idea" 后那个同位语从句好长呀，中间用逗号隔开，不知道可不可以呀~~
In conclusion, the contends （contend 是动词，改为“ statements")in the reading are contradicted by the professor (with the professor's opinion)and the professor has totally different ideas made in reading(意思重复，而且划掉的那句错了）
^^,感觉阿伦对于一些常用动词的使用不太熟悉，例如：动词的固定搭配（尤其是介词的搭配~~），还有一些从句的使用还要加油~~~
在内容方面，听力的内容表达很充分，但阅读的提及的太少了，大部分连主观点都不给，这样貌似不太好~~~阅读的主要论点还是要写一写的~~~不然怎么体现你的阅读能力呢？~~~
这是一些参考意见，有问题，可以探讨探讨~~~
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2012-10-7 09:11
谢谢你啊~真心受益
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2012-10-7 09:50
10月6日综合写作。求狠批！！！
The reading passage mainly provides us with three points about problems and limitation of the science of archaeology. The professor deals with the same topic; however, she holds the opposite view.
Firstly, the reading discusses that the construction projects ruins many valuable artifacts. In contrast, the professor claims that if the site has to be examined by archaeologist that it has valuable archaeology artifacts, the next thing to do is to rebuild the artifacts by builders and government.
Secondly, the professor makes point out that construction company should paid for the examinations for the site but not the government. It is a new way about financial support. Whereas the reading demonstrates that financial support is inadequate.
Thirdly, the passage states that archaeologists have difficult to find a job. The lecture casts doubt on the idea that new guide line provides many archaeologists paid works, and it is not exist before. The increased job opportunities have enlarged the number of archaeologist.
In conclusion, the statements in reading are contradicted by the professor with her idea.
作者: AnthonySummer 时间: 2012-10-7 11:42
The reading passage mainly provides us with three points about problems and limitation of the science of archaeology. The professor deals with the same topic; however, she holds the opposite view. （第一段多提一些听力中的细节吧）
Firstly, the reading discusses that the construction projects ruins many valuable artifacts. In contrast, the professor claims that if the site has to be examined by archaeologist (s) that it has valuable archaeology artifacts, the next thing to do is to rebuild the artifacts by builders and government.
Secondly, the professor makes (a)point outthat construction company should paid (should +be, pay) for the examinations for the site but not the government. It is a new way about （词汇用的太简单了！无法体现自己的牛~）financial support. Whereas the reading demonstrates that financial support is inadequate.
Thirdly, the passage states that archaeologists have difficult (have been difficult) to find a job. The lecture casts doubt on the idea that new guide line provides many archaeologists paid works, and it is (was) not exist (existing) before. The increased job opportunities have enlarged the number of archaeologist.
In conclusion, the statements in reading are contradicted by the professor with her idea. （最后不需要conclusion，整体架构不错，建议看些列子是怎么写的,每段可以多增加一些听力中的细节描述，有些小错误。多加练习吧！）
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2012-10-8 18:27
10月7 日独立We are now living a world which is pluralistic and harmonious. There are lots of contacts between different countries. Someone think that though our country has a good relationship with other countries, we should not share all our scientific discoveries with other country. However, I hold the opposite opinions in this issue with following reasons.
Firstly, human-being are suffered from diseases for a long time. There still remain many incurable diseases which will kill our lives for year by year such as aids, cancer, and so on so forth. So if one country find ways to cure these diseases, it will be a good news for people all of the world. We all want to know what can defeat these disgusting diseases immediately. However, if that country, which can cure diseases, don’t tell us ways to solve the problem. We may be anxious and it may lead more serious problems such as war because we want to use these functions to save lives in our country. It is selfish and inhuman for countries which don’t share the scientific improvement for other countries.
Secondly, something can not be handled by just one country. The toughest problem now we meet is environmental. The global warming, ice melting and greenhouse effect become severer than before. We have Copenhagen meeting in order to find how to deal with these problems. Some countries shared their plans to other countries in order to work together. If different countries use their own ways to solve the environmental problems, our global might be worse in the future. Also, sharing the ideas can help us to deal with the problem more quickly and efficiency.
Thirdly, countries should have a balance between each other. we can’t let a country be the most powerful and we can’t lead a country to be the poorest. Our countries need to develop together. One way is to share all the scientific discoveries so that our force balanced. If a country just try to make dangerous warriors and don’t tell other countries, it will become dangerous because we don’t know how fast their technique developed. Some terrorism will form and it is really dangerous for other countries.
In conclusion, I think sharing all scientific discoveries can help us save lives, work together and prevent terrorism from shaping.
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2012-10-8 18:51
10月7日综合TPO17
The reading passage mainly provides us with three points about the bad effects caused by human for birds; The professor deals with the same topic; however, she thinks that the reasons provided by reading is un convincing.
Firstly, the reading discusses that expanding human populations will have bad effect for birds’ habitats so that they will disappear. In contrast, the professor claims that urban will provide birds a better and larger habitat and some settlements even complain about the numbers of the birds. They can see pigeons on the streets and sometimes hawks and other animals can be found.
Secondly, the reading makes a point that agricultural growing will also deteriorate birds’ habitats. Whereas the professor demonstrates that in U.S, there are less land being use for agriculture. The production of crops increased result from a kind of new crops. They can provide more crops to eat.
Thirdly, the passage states that using chemical pesticide is another problem for habitats. The lecture casts doubt on the idea that people aware of that passed-pesticide is harmful for birds’ habitats so they think our two solutions: the first one is to develop new less toxic pesticide and the more important way is to grow more pest-resistance crops to reduce the need for chemical pesticides
作者: shisuwang 时间: 2012-10-8 22:03
10.7综合
The reading passage mainly provides us with three points about the bad effects caused by human for birds;(这里标点是不是直接用“.”好一点。)The professor deals with the same topic; however, she thinks that the reasons provided by reading is unconvincing.
Firstly, the reading discusses that expanding human populations will have bad effect for birds’ habitats so that they will disappear. In contrast, the professor claims that urban will provide birds a better and larger habitat and some settlements （dwellers） even complain about the increasednumbers of the birds. They can see pigeons on the streets and sometimes hawks and other animals can be found.
(此段应该写出听力反驳的逻辑，有些会减少，而有些会增加)
Secondly, the reading makes a point that agricultural growing will also deteriorate birds’ habitats. Whereas （， whereas）the professor demonstrates that in U.S, there are less land being use for agriculture. The production of crops increased result from a kind of new crops. They can provide more crops to eat.（此句与上句逻辑关系不明确，应在之前加上 This is because， 或之后加上， thus less new lands are needed for argriculture ）
Thirdly, the passage states that using chemical pesticide is another problem for habitats. The lecture casts doubt on the ideaand states that people now are aware of that passed-pesticide is harmful for birds’ habitats, and therefore they think out two solutions: the first one is to develop new less toxic pesticide and thesecond one, amore important way, is to grow more pest-resistance crops to reduce the need for chemical pesticides.
阿伦， 我觉得你听力内容跟文章结构都蛮好的。在句子结构、句子间的逻辑上再注意下就好了，建议多用些连接词。
作者: AnthonySummer 时间: 2012-10-9 03:21
官方标准颜色：黄亮精彩，蓝色建议，红色错误。
姐姐你给我用绿色+黑色改看起来会比较吃力啊~
We are now living in a world which is pluralistic and harmonious. (一开始词用的不错) There are lots of contacts between different countries. Someone think that though our country has a good relationship with other countries, we should not share all our scientific discoveries with other country. However, I hold the opposite opinions in this issue with following reasons.
Firstly, human-being are suffered from diseases for a long time. There still remain many incurable diseases which will kill our lives for year by year such as aids, cancer, and so on so forth. So if one country find （finds） ways to cure these diseases, it will be a good news for people all of the world. （感觉这句话结构太简单了~整篇文章建议多使用一些复杂句，作文就是用来检查这个的，要不然怎么体现层次~）We all want to know what can defeat these disgusting diseases immediately. However, if that country, which can cure diseases, don’t tell us ways to solve the problem. We may be anxious and it may lead more serious problems such as war because we want to use these functions to save lives in our country. It is selfish and inhuman for countries which don’t share the scientific improvement for other countries.
Secondly, something cannot be handled by just one country. The toughest problem now we meet is environmental. The global warming, ice melting and greenhouse effect become severer than before. We have Copenhagen meeting in order to find how to deal with these problems.(感觉是Chinglish) Some countries shared their plans to （with）other countries in order to work together. If different countries use their （its, because “different” is singular）own ways to solve the environmental problems, our global （global，adj，should use globe）might be worse in the future. Also, （主语不清晰）sharing the ideas can help us to deal with the problem more quickly and efficiency. （quick and efficient）
Thirdly, countries should have a balance between each other. （Thirdly, each country should maintain an balance relationship）we （We ，capitalization）can’t let a country be the most powerful and we can’t lead a country to be the poorest.(说实话这句话没看懂) Our countries need to develop together. 简单句太多了！One way is to share all the scientific discoveries so that our force balanced (是形容词后置吗？感觉是 Chinese English，求指教~). If a country just try (tries) to make dangerous warriors and don’t tell other countries, it will become dangerous because we don’t know how fast their technique developed. Some terrorism will form and it is really dangerous for other countries.
In conclusion, I think sharing all scientific discoveries can help us save lives, work together and prevent terrorism from shaping.
例二：
再看这么两句话：I love a girl. This girl is outgoing.
有人从前一句收到启发，写出——I love a girl who is outgoing. 但是，我觉得更为“有效”的表达是I love an outgoing girl.
比较两者，为什么更短的后者更加有效？发出这个疑问的人没有掌握英语的美学标准——文章不在乎长，在乎字字珠玑，表达有效。还记得你知道为例一的定语从句所欢呼喝彩的原因么？原因是用了一个定语从句把累赘的两个girl精简为一个，使表达更加有效率。但是，其中的美学标准是“更加有效”，而不是“定语从句”。所以，你简单地利用定语从句对例二进行“修饰”，是得不到这种美的——因为这个例子里，定语从句本身就是一个累赘——一个简简单单的形容词就足够美了。
由此及彼，什么主语从句、宾语从句等等发杂的句子成分的目的不是使句子更长，而是使表达更加有效。
原文网址http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-712479-1-1.html
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2012-10-9 18:58
10月8日独立写作It seems that moving out of village or town becomes a symbol for people who would like to achieve success and be happier. I agree with this statement because moving out can help us broaden our horizon, make more friends and think about this world in different ways. Combining these things together, we can have a successful and happy life.
First of all, we can have totally different opinions about the world when we move outside the town. There are many new things we can get access to. For example, new facilities for entertainment, new bookstores which contained the books you are interested in but can’t find them in villages’ or new art museums. These things can help us learn more knowledge and change our narrow minds of the world into insightful so that we can get chances before we succeed. Also, it can help give ourselves a definition so that we can find what we would like to do, how we could do it. Through this way we can find the truth of happiness.
Secondly, new environment outside can provides us opportunities to make more friends. Friends are really significant in our life. Seriously speaking, we can’t live without them. Living in a small town sometimes can’t help us to find a real friend. When we move outside, we have more chances to meet more people, we can finally find the one who is really understand us and makes us laugh when we frustrated. Also, by cooperating with friends, we can better stand in new environment and it is really for us to achieve success.
Thirdly, moving outside we can know how large the world is and it may change our ways to consider. When we live in a small town, we might be brilliant in some fields and we will think we are the number one in the world. This attitude always makes us slow down our pace to advance so that one day we will find us are as same as other people. However, when we move in some big cities, such as NewYork, ShangHai, we can find the elites are countless. They will give us a motivation to reach our goals and hard work. We all know that only by hard work, can we get more occasions to success.
All in all, I inclined that we are more successful and happier when we move outside our native villiage.
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2012-10-9 20:50
标题: 10月8日综合写作
The reading passage mainly provides us with three points about how to preserve the endangered Torreya; the professor deals with the same topic; However, she thinks that the reasons provided by reading are unconvincing.
Firstly, the reading discusses that reestablishing the Torreya in the same place is a good way. In contrast, the professor claims that these locations are not substantial for Torreya because location’s climate is effected by global warming or water draining. So now, the climate is dryer.
Secondly, the reading makes a point that to move Torreya in different area can help them thrive. Whereas the professor demonstrates that scientists used to grow a kind of trees to an area where was totally different than before but those trees spread quickly and kill some local trees which are endangered. So bringing the trees to other places may bring a unpredictable outcome.
Thirdly, the reading states that Torreya can be preserved in some research center. The lecture casts doubts that those centers do not have enough capacities to contain those large diverse populations of tress.
In conclusion, the statements in reading are contradicted by the professor with her opinion.
作者: 陈喵喵holdon 时间: 2012-10-9 21:29
10月8日独立写作It seems that moving out of village or town becomes a symbol for people who would like to achieve success and be happier. I agree with this statement because moving out can help us broaden our horizon, make more friends and think about this world in different ways. Combining these things together, we can have a successful and happy life.(建议最前面加一些背景铺垫.另外感觉你对逻辑主语运用特别敏感在行哦,学习了!)
First of all, we can have totally different opinions about the world when we move outside the town. There are many new things we can get access to. For example, new facilities for entertainment, new bookstores which contained the books you are interested in but can’t find them in villages’ or new art museums(建议加到books后面). These things can help us learn more knowledge and change our narrow minds of the world into insightful(ones)so that we can get chances before we succeed. Also, it can help give ourselves a definition so that we can find what we would like to do, how we could do it. Through this way we can find the truth of happiness.
Secondly, new environment outside can provides us opportunities to make more friends. Friends are really significant in our life. Seriously speaking, we can’t live without them.(这句感觉跟前一句有点重复)Living in a small town sometimes can’t help us to find a real friend. When we move outside, we have more chances to meet more people, we can finally find the one who is really understand(understands) us and makes us laugh when we frustrated. Also, by cooperating with friends, we can better stand in new environment and it is really for us to achieve success(感觉缺少形容词，不过语法上及不上阿伦，所以怕改的不对).
Thirdly, moving outside we can know how large the world is and it may change our ways to consider. When we live in a small town, we might be brilliant in some fields and we will think we are the number one in the world. This attitude always makes us slow down our pace to advance so that one day we will find us are as same as other people. However, when we move in some big cities, such as NewYork, ShangHai, we can find the elites are countless. They will give us a motivation to reach our goals and hard work. We all know that only by hard work, can we get more occasions to success.
All in all, I inclined that we are more successful and happier when we move outside our native villiage. -- by 会员 阿伦艾弗森 (2012/10/9 18:58:26)
语法很准确，意思也明白，观点明朗。
第二第三两个观点如果能举实例就好了。
另外觉得单句有点太多，再多一点复杂句就好了。
作者: 陈喵喵holdon 时间: 2012-10-9 21:37
The reading passage mainly provides us with three points about how to preserve the endangered Torreya; the professor deals with the same topic; However, she thinks that the reasons provided by reading are unconvincing.(最好亮一下professor的观点)
Firstly, the reading discusses that reestablishing the Torreya in the same place is a good way. In contrast, the professor claims that these locations are not substantial for Torreya because location’s climate is effected(affected) by global warming or water draining. So now, the climate is dryer.(感觉观点结束的有点突兀，总结下两观点矛盾或者该location已经不再适合为好)
Secondly, the reading makes a point that to move Torreya in different area can help them thrive. Whereas the professor demonstrates that scientists used to grow a kind of trees to an area where was totally different than before but those trees spread quickly and kill some local trees which are endangered. So bringing the trees to other places may bring a(an)unpredictable outcome.
Thirdly, the reading states that Torreya can be preserved in some research center. The lecture casts doubts that those centers do not have enough capacities to contain those large diverse populations of tress.
In conclusion, the statements in reading are contradicted by the professor with her opinion.(缺少professor理由中的small population cannot resist disease而无法使Torreya长期生存这一点)
-- by 会员 阿伦艾弗森 (2012/10/9 20:50:30)
明确简练，不知道这篇字数是多少?之前有听说多写一些比较好..
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2012-10-10 21:37
标题: 10月9日综合写作
The reading passage mainly provides us with three points about the bad effects of buzzers; the buzzer deals with the same topic; however, he thinks that the reasons provided by the reading are stupid.
Firstly, the reading discusses that what buzzers tell to the consumers is just paid advertisements. In contrast, the buzzer claims that companies only find one who thinks their products are good. Though buzzers are paid, they tell the truth to consumers. The talk says that he becomes a buzzer because he thinks that his phone service is good.
Secondly, the reading makes a point that consumers will be less critically to listen what buzzers say than to watch advertisements. Whereas the professor demonstrates that consumers will ask them lots of questions before they buy the products such as the price, the service and so on so forth. If buzzers can’t answer their questions, they will not buy the products.
Thirdly, the reading states that buzzers are harmful for social relationship. The lecture casts doubts that people who use the products advised by buzzers will think the things are good and they will trust people more than before.
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2012-10-10 22:14
标题: 10月9日的独立
Many parents now like to send their children to art school in order to culminate their children’s interesting in music or drawing. People also advice governments to build art museums or music halls in stead of building recreational devices.However, I disagree with their opinion from following reasons.
First of all, playing sports in playground is necessary for us because not only we entertain it, but also we need to develop a health body and have a relaxed mood. By playing basketball, swimming or jogging in the playground, we can feel comfortable for the waste of our body has been discharged. Sports can help us stay away from diseases and relax ourselves. After a whole day’s exhausting study or work, we need a body’s relaxation and we need a place to release ourselves. At that time, recreational devices will be the best choice for us.
Secondly, our world combines different kinds of people. Someone like to play guitar, and some other guys may like to play football. We can’t deprive their way for fun. If governments put more money into art museum, is it fair for a basketball player who would like to be professional. Sports is apart of our life. Our spirit is somehow rely on them, so there are many important events be hold in world such as world cup, Olympics and basketball championship. Our players use their way to prove themselves and stimulate our motivation towards sports. How can we take swimming pool away and build music hall there?
Thirdly, It is acknowledged that art is graceful, however, not everyone can enjoy them. For instance, my mother is a female who really loves to attend concerts of musician. My father is the one who likes fishing with me outside. So many times, my mother forced my father and me to attend concerts with her, however, neither of us interested in them and we nearly felt asleep. We made my mom frustrated, but we really want to go outside and fishing. From this case, we can know that everyone has their own hobbies, apparently, not all of us appreciate art.
In conclusion, I think government should not put more money into develop music halls and art museums.
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2012-10-10 22:22
对不起今天改我作文 的两位同学啊。！~
因为真的有事，没来得及，实在抱歉这么晚才交
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2012-10-12 11:29
标题: 10月11日综合
The reading passage mainly provides us with three points about advantages to plant genetically modified tree. The professor deals with the same issue; however, she thinks that the reasons provided by reading are unconvincing.
Firstly, the reading discusses that modified trees are more adapt the environment. In contrast, the professor claims that although modified trees can survive in some conditions harshly, their genetically uniform makes can adapt the changing of the environments. They will be wipe out easily when they meet some problems like climate change.
Secondly, the reading makes a point that modified trees will bring economical benefit to the one who grows them. Whereas the professor demonstrates that it is unlikely for them to gain profit because growers should pay for the companies which provide functions to grow these trees every year.
Thirdly, the reading states that genetically trees can prevent wild trees from overexploiting. The lecture casts doubts that these trees will compete the natural trees in order to get more resources such as nutrients, soils and so on so forth.
In conclusion, the statements in reading are contradicted by professor with her opinion.
作者: kiddy72 时间: 2012-10-12 11:36
阿伦同学非常抱歉我昨天没来得及写完 不过我现在已经交了11号的了～麻烦你了
还有就是你是11号只占了综合么？有没有占独立啊？
作者: kiddy72 时间: 2012-10-12 21:41
The reading passage mainly provides us with three points about advantages to plant genetically modified tree. The professor deals with the same issue; however, she thinks that the reasons provided by reading are unconvincing.
Firstly, the reading discusses that modified trees are more adapt the environment. In contrast, the professor claims that although modified trees can survive in some conditions harshly, their genetically uniform makes can adapt the changing of the environments.（应该变异的树都很一样，只能适应特定的环境变化，其他的就都会死光） They will be wipe out easily when they meet some problems like climate change.
Secondly, the reading makes a point that modified trees will bring economical benefit to the one who grows them. Whereas the professor demonstrates that it is unlikely for them to gain profit because growers should pay for the companies which provide functions to grow these trees every year.
Thirdly, the reading states that genetically trees can prevent wild trees from overexploiting. The lecture casts doubts that these trees will compete with the natural trees in order to get more resources such as nutrients, soils and so on so forth. as a result .......可以说详细一点
In conclusion, the statements in reading are contradicted by professor with her opinion.
互相学习哈～谢谢啦！
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2012-10-13 23:00
标题: 10月13日综合TPO23
The reading passage mainly provides us with three reasons about the courses of the decline of yellow cedar. The professor deals with the same issue; however, he thinks that none of those reasons provided by reading is adequate.
Firstly, the reading discusses that insect parasites may be a reason for the decline of cedar. In contrast, the professor claims that healthy cedar may be more pest-resistant than other trees. Their bark is contained powerful chemical thing which is poisonous for insects. The trees which insects attack are ones already die. So insects can’t be the main fundamental course for the decrease of cedar.
Secondly, the reading makes a point that brow bears become a reason for cedars’ decline. Whereas the professor demonstrates that the yellow cedars are died through a region from mainland to island. However, no bears live in island. The trees damaged in the areas where both with and without bears. So bears have no responsible for the damage of trees.
Thirdly, the reading states that climate change may effect the cedars’ roots and become a cause for death of cedars. The lecture casts doubt that if the reason provided by reading is correct, the trees would die in cold climate and high elevation. On contrary, the trees die in a warm temperature and low elevation.
作者: chasedreamabc 时间: 2012-10-14 12:49
The reading passage mainly provides us with three reasons about the courses of the decline of yellow cedar. The professor deals with the same issue; however, he thinks that none of those reasons provided by reading is adequate.
Firstly, the reading discusses that insect parasites may be a reason for the decline of cedar. In contrast, the professor claims that healthy cedar may be more pest-resistant than other trees（more...than...在严格的语法中讲求对称，pest-resistant ＆other trees 不能构成对称，可以+‘s）. Their bark is contained powerful chemical thing which is poisonous for insects. The trees which insects attack are ones already die.（听力表达的意思是sick，这里用die不是很恰当，侵害的是受损，不是已经跪了的） So insects can’t (cannot) be the main fundamental course for the decrease of cedar.
使用从句同位语能增加文章的层次，不过一段中过多的话，就显得单一，不是很多元化
Secondly, the reading makes a point that brow bears become a reason for cedars’ decline. Whereas the professor demonstrates that the yellow cedars are died through a region from mainland to island. However, no bears live in island（the+~，或者是those）. The trees damaged in the areas where both with and without bears. So bears have no responsible for the damage of trees.
Thirdly, the reading states that climate change may effect the cedars’ roots and become a cause for death of cedars. The lecture casts doubt that if the reason provided by reading is correct, the trees would die in cold climate and high elevation. On contrary, the trees die in a warm temperature and low elevation.
PS:总体的听力要点都有，个别的衔接的逻辑完整一下就ok
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2012-10-15 16:55
the reading passage mainly provides us with three findings about actual tissues of animals. the professor deals with the same issue; however, he thinks that none of those findings are reasonable.
firstly, the reading discusses that hollows in the bones may be the location of vessels once lived. in contrast, the professor claims that bacterias often live inside bones and leave behind trace of organic material.
secondly, the reading makes a point that remains of red blood cells are revealed by microscopic examinatin. wheares the professor demonstrates that fossils of primitive animals that did not have any red blood cells when they are alive.
thirdly, the reading states that dinosaur leg bones contain collagen. the lecture casts doubts that collagen cannot last for hundrend thousand of years and the presence of collagen may from another much more recent score.
作者: birdie089123 时间: 2012-10-15 18:10
才写完哈，哈哈，要吃饭了，就速度帮你看了下，没有回原文对应仔细看了。有问题可以给我留言
the The reading passage mainly provides us with three findings about actual tissues of animals. the professor deals with the same issue; however, he thinks that none of those findings are reasonable.
firstlyFirstly, the reading discusses that hollows in the bones may be the location of vessels once lived(lived 用词觉得有问题). in contrast, the professor claims that bacterias often live inside bones and leave behind trace of organic material.
secondly, the reading makes a point that remains of red blood cells are revealed by microscopic examination. wheares the professor demonstrates that fossils of primitive animals that did not have any red blood cells when they are alive. （最好把先听力中reddish material at the same place in other fossil 写出来，这样反驳比较对应）
thirdly, the reading states that dinosaur leg bones contain collagen. the lecture casts doubts that collagen cannot last for hundrend thousand of years and the presence of collagen may from another much more recent score.（没什么问题，score？？）
总评：
总的来说，大致要点都听到了。 但是以我的经验，尽量多写到听力中的细节点（你在这点做的不够，例如第二个red blood cell观点）。
还有首字母大写，细节也不能忽视。
最后句子可以再丰富点。
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2012-10-16 10:24
标题: tpo1 10月15日作业
The lecturer claims that the new policy, which allows people to work four days a week instead of five, will have negative effects for companies as well as society. This claim is not in agreement with that of the reading passage, which suggests that such a policy will be beneficial.
According to the lecture, a company that allows employees to have fewer working hours is likely to hire more people to ensure that it meets normal levels of productivity but it will increase the training fee for new employees. The reading passage, by contrast, suggests that employees who enjoy more leisure time make fewer mistakes.
secondly, The lecturer asserts that for the sake of saving money, employers might raise their expectations of 4-day employees rather than recruit more people. in addition, the employees will finish 5-days work in 4 days which will increase their pressure to work.
Finally, the lecturer argues that under the new policy, employees will experience not only decreased quality of life , but also fewer chances to be promoted to supervisory positions. However, the reading passage contends that more free time can create opportunities to employees to have time with their families.
作者: margrate 时间: 2012-10-16 22:16
The lecturer claims that the new policy, which allows people to work four days a week instead of five, will have negative effects for companies as well as society. This claim is not in agreement with that of the reading passage, which suggests that such a policy will be beneficial.
According to the lecture, a company that allows employees to have fewer working hours is likely to hire more people to ensure that it meets normal levels of productivity but it will increase the training fee for new employees. （补充office和computer的那一点吧）The reading passage, by contrast, suggests that employees who enjoy more leisure time make fewer mistakes.
secondly, The lecturer asserts that for the sake of saving money, employers might raise their expectations of 4-day employees rather than recruit more people.（感觉这句话逻辑关系错误，是为了save money， expectation才提高的么？而且第一个点少了：work overtime to make difference） in addition, the employees will finish 5-days work in 4 days which will increase their pressure to work.
Finally, the lecturer argues that under the new policy, employees will experience not only decreased quality of life , but also fewer chances to be promoted to supervisory positions. However, the reading passage contends that more free time can create opportunities to employees to have time with their families.
-- by 会员 阿伦艾弗森 (2012/10/16 10:24:52)
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2012-10-18 21:38
标题: TPO3 10月17日作业
the reading passage mainly provides us about three problems that may prove some of the pictures may not drawn by Rembrandt. the professor deals with the same issue; however, she thinks that examination tells us that these pictures were indeed drawn by Rembrandt.
firstly, the reading discusses that the dressing of the woman in portrait is inconsistent. In contrast, the professor claims that X-ray analysis of pigment tells us that fur collar wasn't the original painting.
secondly, the reading makes a point that the shadow and light do not fit each other. whereas the professor demonstrates that the original picture pictured light-colored cloth and it seemed really realistic.
thirdly, the reading states that the panal are made of several pieces of wood together. the professor casts doubts that the picture originally made of single piece of wood; however, other people enlarged the picture in order to make it more grand and valuable. also, some traces can tell us that Rembrandt did use pieces of wood to finish his work such as his self-portray with hat.
作者: birdie089123 时间: 2012-10-18 22:22
the reading passage mainly provides us about three problems that （两个may在一个句子略显重复）prove some of the pictures may not drawn by Rembrandt. The professor deals with the same issue, however, she thinks that examination tells us that(就是一幅画 Portrait of an elderly woman) were indeed drawn by Rembrandt.
！！！！首字母大写！！！！！！
firstly, the reading discusses that the dressing of the woman in portrait is inconsistent.（总结不够清楚，太简单） In contrast, the professor claims that X-ray analysis of pigment tells us that fur collar wasn't the original painting. 因为阅读部分没有说明为什么inconsistent ，所以听力的fur collar 显得突然，没有对应。
secondly, the reading makes a point that the shadow and light do not fit each other. whereas the professor demonstrates that the original picture pictured light-colored cloth and it seemed really realistic.（seemed 不合适直接was就行吧）
thirdly, the reading states that the panal are made of several pieces of wood together. the professor casts doubts that the picture originally made of single piece of wood;（我对于这个;不是很理解，还有后面的however引导的转折前后对应是什么pro 怀疑但是people enlarged pic？有待斟酌） however, other people enlarged the picture in order to make it more grand and valuable. (最好用 what’s more/in addition)also, some traces can tell us that Rembrandt did use pieces of wood to finish his work such as his self-portray with hat.（这句总结的不太好直接说清楚2幅画的wood from the same tree就可以了）
文中的点其实都已经写出来了，就是一些细节（大写，；）一定注意。
还有就是阅读部分的总结最好能够结合听力反驳点，这样能够有对应驳斥的效果。加油
对对，还有一点！虽然是AI 但是交作业要按时，希望下次早点交，呵呵！
作者: klllun 时间: 2012-10-20 20:37
也~米有可以修改的，虫子回家去啦。阿伦，写好了站短我哈
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2012-10-20 21:33
the reading passage mainly provides us three competing theories about the use of "great houses". the professor deals with the same issue; however, he thinks that none of those theories are convincing.
firstly, the reading discusses that Chaco structure might use for resenditial. in contrast the professor claims that the outside of building seemed that they used for resident but the inside of house remained serious of doubts that if people lived in Chaco structure, there might be many fire places. however, just few fire places remained there. the largest room just had a few fire places which can be used for 10 families. it couldn't give condition for such many people lived there.
secondly, the reading makes the point that storing food supplies might be another use for Chaco structures. whereas the professor demonstrates that it is sound plausible but unconvincing because there had few containers for grain maize to be contained.
thirdly, the reading states that the place might be used as religious center. the professor casts doubts that there were large numbers of building materials such as sands, stones. also, there left over pots trash which might come from the left of meal. so the place can't be use for ceremonial centers.
作者: klllun 时间: 2012-10-20 22:19
the reading passage mainly provides us three competingtheories about the use of "great houses". the professor deals withthe same issue; however, he thinks that none of those theories are convincing.
开头大写啊，这个要练习的。现在咱么不磨刀，上考场就更麻烦啦~
firstly, thereading discusses that Chaco structure might use for resenditial. (Residential) in contrast theprofessor claims that the outside of building seemed that they used for residentbut the inside of house remained serious of doubts that if people lived inChaco structure, there might be many fire places. however, just few fire placesremained there. the largest room just had a few fire places which can be usedfor 10 families. it couldn't give condition for such many people（嗯，是想表达如此多的人吗？怎么觉得有点中式英文，或者是虫子阅读量有限啊。求讨论~Such a large number ofpeople） lived there.
secondly, thereading makes the point that storing food supplies might be another use forChaco structures. whereas the professor demonstrates that it is sound plausiblebut unconvincing because there had few containers for grain maize to becontained.
（还有一个地上面的trace的原因。细节，添上更好哈）
thirdly, thereading states that the place might be used as religious center. the professorcasts doubts that there were large numbers（冠词the） of building materials such assands, stones. also, there left over pots trash which might come fromthe left of meal. so the place can't be used for ceremonial centers.
这里是因为听的很不完整。是与construction workers有着直接的关系。建议重听听力，完善最后一段
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2012-10-21 20:03
标题: 10月20日综合写作
The reading passage mainly provides us with three problems about communal online encyclopedia. The professor deals with the same issue. However, she thinks that the reading ignores some important benefits about online encyclopedia.
Firstly, the reading discusses that the online encyclopedia often lack of some credential. In contrast, the professor claims that the traditional encyclopedia is also imperfect. We cannot find a book without errors. The important thing for online encyclopedia is that the mistakes can be easily corrected. However, the errors would remain in traditional encyclopedia for decades.
Secondly, the reading makes the point that some people will corrupt the information provided by online encyclopedia. Whereas the professor demonstrates that the encyclopedia put crucial fact in a format and no one could change the information in there. Also, there is an editor who monitors all changes in encyclopedia.
Thirdly, the reading states that the broaden knowledge provided by encyclopedia may misunderstand us so that we couldn’t find which one is important. The professor casts doubts that the diversity of users’ interests makes them represent many academic articles become the strongest advantages in encyclopedia.
In conclusion, the statements in reading are contradicted by the professor with her opinion.
作者: AnthonySummer 时间: 2012-10-21 21:29
粉红色拼写错误(直接修改了)橘红色语法错误（谓语搭配单复数问题、固定搭配、空格多空了一格、逗号句号用错了）红色其他错误黄色精彩句子蓝色建议修改（个人建议，不对的地方多多指教啊）
10月20日综合写作
The reading passage mainly provides us with three problems about communal online encyclopedia. The professor deals with the same issue. However, she thinks that the reading ignores some important benefits about online encyclopedia.
Firstly, the reading discusses that the online encyclopedia often lack of （lacks）some credential. In contrast, the professor claims that the traditional encyclopedia is also imperfect. We cannot find a book without errors. The important thing for online encyclopedia is that the mistakes can be easily corrected. However, the errors would remain in traditional encyclopedia for decades. （细节把握得很好，厉害！）
Secondly, the reading makes the point that some people will corrupt the information provided by online（the online） encyclopedia. Whereas the professor demonstrates that the encyclopedia put crucial fact in a format and no one could change the information inthere. Also, there is an editor who monitors all changes in an encyclopedia.（貌似概括的太简练了）
Thirdly, the reading states that the broaden knowledge provided by encyclopedia may misunderstand us so that we couldn't find which one is important. The professor casts doubts that the diversity of users' interests makes them represent many academic articles become the strongest advantages in encyclopedia. （最后一条提到online E 能够accurate 反应大众的关注点但是paper E不能，这个很重要的细节没提到，注意细节把握）
In conclusion, the statements in reading are contradicted by the professor with her opinion.
语言简练，用词到位，建构也很清晰，就是缺少了一些听力中的细节。
加油吧！
作者: AnthonySummer 时间: 2012-10-22 21:17
期待你今天的综合写作啊！
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2012-10-22 21:33
标题: 10月21日综合写作
The reading passage provides us three reasons that customers will not buy products which labeled by ecocertification. The professor deals with the same issue; however, he thinks that the reading ignores some of the important sides about ecocertification.
Firstly, the reading discusses that the plenty of the advertisements will make customers won’t believe the advertisements of ecocertification. In contrast, the professor claims that Americans don’t treat the advertisements as same level. They will distinguish them and their react about ecocertification products tells us that they are favorite those products.
Secondly, the reading makes a point that the dear econcertified woods will increase their price and no consumers like products with high price. Whereas the professor demonstrates that the consumers won’t buy products which have a much higher price than other same one. However, they allow the products have less than 5 cents’ high price like ecocertification. Also, American really pay attention to their environment which motivates them to buy ecocertification products.
Thirdly, the reading states that americans wood just be sold in their own country. The professor casts doubts that the ecocertification products spread not because of foreign consumers but because of foreign competition. When the ecocertification companies capture the eyes of Americans, they will some attract companies of foreign countries.
作者: dreamcece 时间: 2012-10-23 00:46
等10.22综合~~~~
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2012-10-23 20:41
The reading passage provides us three reasons that Chevalier de Seingalt’s memoir is inaccurate. The professor deals with the same issue; however, he thinks that none of the reasons provided by reading is convincing.
Firstly, the reading discusses that if Chevalier was rich while living in Switzerland, he would have not borrowed money from other merchants. In contrast, the professor claims that though Chevalier was wealthy, he spent plenty of his money into gamble and parties so he should wait for few days before his cash arrived. At that time, he should borrow money from merchants.
Secondly, the reading makes a point that the details in conversation made by Chevalier and famous writer are so accuracy that he couldn’t remember all of them. Whereas the professor demonstrates that every time after Chevalier made conversation with others, he would write down every detail he could remember in a note. Also, he often took the notes and reviewed them. So it is not strange for him to remember lots of details in his memoir.
Thirdly, the reading states that it was impossible for Chevalier to escape from ceiling. The professor casts doubts that many of people in prison with Chevalier had more powerful friends than him and those persons all couldn’t bible jailers. Also, there remained a record that after Chevalier escaped from prison, the ceiling of prison had been repaired.
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2012-10-23 20:52
写好啦。晚了点，不好意思哈。！~
作者: dreamcece 时间: 2012-10-24 00:11
标题: 10.22 综合改
没有关系啦，只要坚持每天写了就是胜利~
蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误
The reading passage provides us three reasons that Chevalier de Seingalt’s memoir is inaccurate. The professor deals with the same issue; however, he thinks that none of the reasons provided by reading is convincing.
Firstly, the reading discusses that if Chevalier was rich while(while是连词，所以后面句子成分不完全，要补全，+he was) living in Switzerland, he would have not borrowed 这个结构。。。he would not borrow比较直接，加上have的话你是想说过去完成时吗？如果这样的话那么have的位置不对，应该是would (not) have done blabla... money from other merchants. In contrast, the professor claims that though Chevalier was wealthy, he spent plenty of his money into gamble and parties so he should wait for few days before his cash arrived. 细节不完全。 At that time, he should borrow money from merchants.
Secondly, the reading makes a point that the details in conversation made by Chevalier and famous writer are so accuracy that he couldn’t正式写作中最好不要出现缩写 remember all of them. Whereas the professor demonstrates that every time after Chevalier made conversation with others, he would write down every detail he could remember in a note. Also, he often took the notes and reviewed them. So it is not strange for him to remember lots of details in his memoir.
Thirdly, the reading states that it was impossible for Chevalier to escape from ceiling原文是不相信他逃跑的方式，而不是不相信他能逃出来. The professor casts doubts that many of people in prison with Chevalier had more powerful friends than him and those persons all couldn’t缩写。。。 bible bribe the jailers. Also,这里用also作为连接词不太符合逻辑，应用表转折的，因为前后两句说的句意相反，而且这里缺少一些细节 there remained a record that after Chevalier escaped from prison, the ceiling of prison had been repaired.
作者: AnthonySummer 时间: 2012-10-24 02:02
10月21日综合写作
粉红色拼写错误(直接修改了)橘红色语法错误（谓语搭配单复数问题、固定搭配、空格多空了一格、逗号句号用错了）红色其他错误黄色精彩句子蓝色建议修改（个人建议，不对的地方多多指教啊）
The reading passage provides us three reasons that customers will not buy products which labeled by ecocertification. The professor deals with the same issue; however, he thinks that the reading ignores some of the important sides about ecocertification.
Firstly, the reading discusses that the plenty of (不要the ，前面已经有数量修饰词了）advertisements will make customers won't believe the advertisements of ecocertification. In contrast, the professor claims that Americans don't treat the advertisements as same level. They will distinguish them and their react about ecocertification products tells us that they are favorite those products.
Secondly, the reading makes a point that the dear econcertified woods will increase their price and no consumers like products with high price. Whereas the professor demonstrates that the consumers won't buy products which have a much higher price than other same one. However, they allow the products have less than 5 cents' （原文中是less than five percent as is the case with certified wood,听错了这可是大忌）high price like ecocertification. Also, American really （pays）pay attention to their environment which motivates them to buy ecocertification products.
Thirdly, the reading states that Americans（A你没大写） wood （没看懂，是products？）just be sold in their own country. The professor casts doubts that the ecocertification products spread not because of foreign consumers but because of foreign competition. When the ecocertification companies capture the eyes of Americans, they will some attract companies of foreign countries. （又没看懂，另外原文也不是这个意思，是讲If American companies are slow capturing those customers, you can be sure that foreign companies will soon start crowing into the American market，外国公司占领市场，建议重听吧！）
楼主第二段细节没把握对。
全文的结构还是挺好的。
第三段主旨没把握住，打错啊！全文中很多地方表达有问题，或者是没用听力中的词汇而是自己想象的，这样不好。加油吧！
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2013-6-16 19:03
6月16日独立
With electronic products such as panel computers and smart phones come out; people especially the young now like to spend time in playing games or chatting in social networking site through those inventions. They do not like to go outside and do some sports. From my perspective, I think taking exercise for younger people is as much important as for older people.
First of all, taking exercise for younger people can depress their working pressure. Nowadays the number of young people in sudden death in the world is increasing higher and higher and one same reason is that they face high working pressure and have less time to exercise and some of them even commit suicide. If they can have more time into exercising such as playing basketball or simply jogging, they may refresh their mind and have a better body condition to face tough problems they will meet both in their work and their life.
Secondly, some of the physical exercise can help younger people know how to cooperate with others which is important as an aspect in their life. Chinese people who born post 90s are lack of awareness of teamwork so by taking some physical exercise, they can share with others and receive not only good health but also better work. Such as the president of America- Obama who likes to play basketball after his onerous work.
Thirdly, younger people can get happiness and useful strategies in study by exercising. After the sweat runs down from face and body, people can feel their mind clearer than before and their body seems more energetic. It can help you relax and get a good mood; when your sporting skills reach a level, you may want to increase more. By gaining more confident in exercising, you may want to achieve same accomplishment in other field. For instance, I like to play basketball because it can always help me out when I meet some study problems. Basketball teaches me to practice many times and do never give up. I use this strategy in my study and finally I get good scores.
In conclusion, exercising is useful and important for younger people because it can depress working pressure, increase awareness of cooperating and gain happy and strategies.
作者: perfectends 时间: 2013-6-16 21:53
咦？你又回来了？
作者: sherlock1992 时间: 2013-6-17 08:35
阿伦艾弗森 发表于 2013-6-16 19:03 
6月16日独立
With electronic products such as panel computers and smart phones come out; people espec ...
咱们写的话题好像有出入啊。。。好吧，就这样改吧
作者: sherlock1992 时间: 2013-6-17 08:58
阿伦艾弗森 发表于 2013-6-16 19:03
6月16日独立
With electronic products such as panel computers and smart phones come out; people espec ...
6月16日独立
With electronic products such as panel computers and smart phones come out;（这里的分号是表示语气停顿吗？赶脚逗号会比较好） people especially the young now like to spend time in playing games or chatting in social networking sites through those inventions. (句子之间要有连词）They do not like to go outside and do some sports. From my perspective, I think taking exercise for younger people is as much important as for older people.
First of all, taking exercise for younger people can depress their working pressure. Nowadays the number of young people in sudden death in the world is increasing higher and higher and one same reason is that they face high working pressure and have less time to exercise and some of them even commit suicide. If they can have more time into exercising such as playing basketball or simply jogging, they may refresh their mind and have a better body condition to face tough problems they will meet both in their work and their life. （语言很顺畅，但本人赶脚在最后总结一下分论点会更好）
Secondly, some of the physical exercise can help younger people know how to cooperate with others ,which is important as an aspect in their life. Chinese people who born post(我查了下，post好像没有这样的用法，只是在表示词缀时有“后”的意思） 90s are lack of awareness of teamwork.(这里应该分开两句话吧？） So by taking some physical exercise, they can share with others and receive not only good health but also better work. Such as the president of America- Obama who likes to play basketball after(after后要接句子） his onerous work.
Thirdly, younger people can get happiness and useful strategies in study by exercising. After the sweat runs down from face and body, people can feel their mind clearer than before and their body seems more energetic. It can help you relax and get a good mood; when your sporting skills reach a level, you may want to increase more. By gaining more confident in exercising, you may want to achieve same accomplishment in other field. For instance, I like to play basketball because it can always help me out when I meet some study problems. Basketball teaches me to practice many times and do never give up. I use this strategy in my study and finally I get good scores.
In conclusion, exercising is useful and important for younger people because it can depress working pressure, increase awareness of cooperating and gain happy and strategies.
1.首先赞一个，楼主全文结构很清晰。
2. 但中间的些许语法错误需要注意一下下。
3. 另，本文用词也稍显简单，，，
4.加油。
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2013-6-17 15:28
perfectends 发表于 2013-6-16 21:53
咦？你又回来了？
嗯哪、嘿嘿，7月有个入学考试，好久木有写作了。练练。哈哈！
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2013-6-17 15:30
sherlock1992 发表于 2013-6-17 08:58
6月16日独立
With electronic products such as panel computers and smart phones come out;（这里的分 ...
after好像有介词的用法。
or也可以当连词使用吧。。。
那个分号我用它是因为逗号不能连接句子。。。
辛苦啦。马上帮您改。~
作者: sherlock1992 时间: 2013-6-17 17:56
阿伦艾弗森 发表于 2013-6-17 15:30
after好像有介词的用法。
or也可以当连词使用吧。。。
那个分号我用它是因为逗号不能连接句子。。。
嗯，确实，after有介词用法，惭愧了。。。
至于分号，确实逗号不能连接句子，但with引导的从句与主句之间不需要什么连词吧？
不客气。
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2013-6-19 15:44
6月18日独立
Our society’s huge development is attributed by science improvement. We cannot live in a world without high-tech products now; however, some of the discoveries would bring bad effects to human. Should scientists be responsible for these influences? In my point of view, I think scientists should totally hold the responsibility for following reasons.
Firstly, scientists always can estimate the danger level of their science products before they invented them, such as nuclear weapon. They know that these weapons will pollute the environment and if terrorists know how to use these dangerous weapons, they may use them in appropriate ways so that leads human-being’s disaster. Since scientists think those science products can bring benefits to human more than bad effects and governments keep giving scientists money into their study, they must take risks and take the whole responsibility of their discoveries.
Secondly, most of the discoveries are now so complicated and only by people who focus on studying them can find ways to solve problems which those products may bring us. Movies resident evil can be best examples for me. The company created virus weapon can know how to make the gene of virus unwinding which can decrease their speed of variation. For most of scientists have solutions to their fail of their studying discoveries, they are responsible for their failures.
Thirdly, many scientists now do not have that purely mind which is bring benefits to human by their discoveries. Many of them are now compelled by money and profit. Studying new discoveries and turning them to profit, scientists should know that they earn money from common people, they should be responsible for their products. By comforting consumers, we both can gain benefits from new discoveries and our society can step forward more quickly and safely.
In conclusion, by providing three reasons, I think scientists should be responsible for their discoveries because their anticipating, their smart solutions and mutual profits gained both scientists and consumers.
作者: zengyuruo 时间: 2013-6-19 16:37
Our society’s huge development is attributed by(一般都是attribute to吧，没见过attribute by呢) science(scientific) improvement.（建议：huge一般用于形容体积上的大，可以说huge development space(较大的进步空间)，但很少直接形容development的，建议换为great or considerable） We cannot live in a world without high-tech products now; however, some of the discoveries would bring bad effects to human. Should scientists be responsible for these influences? In my point of view, I think scientists should totally hold the responsibility for following reasons.（建议修改一下这样的表达，句意最好是univocal的，因为这句话可以理解为对reason负责，建议改为as discussed below之类）
Firstly, scientists always can estimate the danger level of their science (scientific) products before they invented them,（如果invent是过去的行为，那么can是否应该改为could） such as nuclear weapons. They know that these weapons will pollute the environment and if terrorists know how to use these dangerous weapons, they may use them in inappropriate ways so that (缺主语) leads human-being’s disaster.（亲，这句话的结构不太清晰哈。首先，使用了很多个they/them,指代不清楚。另外，你想表达的是两个fact【科学家知道污染】【恐怖分子利用武器】会导致disaster么？建议将句子组织得结构更清楚一些。） Since scientists think that those science products can bring benefits to human more than bad effects（建议改为bring more benefits rather than bad effects to human） and that governments would keep giving scientists money into their study, they must take risks(亲，这是冒险，不是承担风险哦，没有冒险的必然理由啊，逻辑上不对哈！) and take the whole responsibility of （for）their discoveries.
Secondly, most of the discoveries are now so complicated and only by people who focus on studying them can find ways to solve problems which those products may bring us.（该分句没有主语呢…） Movies resident evil can be the best examples for me. The company created（后置定语应该是主动的，creating，是company的主动行为） virus weapon（想表达的是生物武器？biological weapon，极少表达病毒武器的哈~~） can know how to make the gene of virus unwinding which can decrease their speed of variation. For most of scientists who have solutions to their fail of their studying discoveries, they are responsible for their failures.
Thirdly, many scientists now do not have that purely mind（pure mind？） which is bring benefits to human by their discoveries. Many of them are now compelled by money and profit. Studying new discoveries and turning them to（into） profit, scientists should know that they earn money from common people, they should be responsible for their products. By comforting consumers, we both can gain benefits from new discoveries and our society can step forward more quickly and safely.（按照both放的位置，应该是管着两个并列的行为，可是你之后接了一个can。。。，又接了另一个完整的句子，不是对称的结构。建议改成Not only can we… but also our society…类似的句式。）
In conclusion, by providing three reasons, I think scientists should be responsible for their discoveries because（because of接名词短语，because是连词，接句子…） their anticipating, their smart solutions and mutual profits gained both scientists and consumers.
第一次入队改作文，改得不好请见谅。
作者: zengyuruo 时间: 2013-6-19 16:43
总体感觉，文章的结构比较清楚。
提出三个原因：科学家能够事先知道他们研究的影响，专业知识限制了别人对科学研究负责，利益驱使。
但是个人感觉，每个分论点的展开都不是很充分，导致不足以让人信服你的观点。
个人小建议：
1. 科学家事先知道影响，应该说明你如何确定他们可以知道，比如他们有先进的设备、会经过无数次的反复试验等。
2. 专业知识段落，应该着重强调科学家是唯一可以承担责任的人。they can 并不等于 they are only。
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2013-6-23 16:37
zengyuruo 发表于 2013-6-19 16:43
总体感觉，文章的结构比较清楚。
提出三个原因：科学家能够事先知道他们研究的影响，专业知识限制了别人对 ...
谢谢啦~
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2013-6-23 17:19
Life is an attitude. Different people hold different ideas about their lives and the final aim for everyone is success. However, which leads people success? I think is optimistic which can give us a happy emotion to face failure so remaining happy and optimistic is more significant.
First of all, after failing, only by having a happy mentality can people adjust them quickly so that they can face more challenges. For instance, Allen Iverson, who used to play basketball in NBA, is a person who faces his life in a positive way. He said to his fans that always using smile to face difficulties in lives; holding active attitude, he won 3 MVPs during his career and showed us that optimistic is more important in our lives. Had he given up with a bad mentality, we would not have seen such a wonderful basketball player.
Secondly, it seems that remained happy and optimistic can help us achieve our success. Chasing dream is a difficult thing for most of us because people like to plan a big decision and addicted into day-dreaming. A few of us can really achieve our dream the reason is that some people intend to give up when they fail at the beginning and they’d like to abandon because they always fall into depressing hole and these bad emotions effect their continuing. So an optimistic attitude should remain in our lives.
Thirdly, what’s the definition of success? Money? House? Or social position? In my opinion, none of them can define success. Man with good health and happy emotion is success. Many white-collars die in sudden nowadays. What’s the meaning of their lives without living? Endless work leads them work day and night without rest. They can not feel birds singing and leaves swaying. Do they success? No, even they have considerable incomes. Happy and optimistic is more important than so-called success.
In conclusion, from the instances showing above, we can know that optimistic is more important than success.
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2013-6-23 17:20
阿伦艾弗森 发表于 2013-6-23 17:19
Life is an attitude. Different people hold different ideas about their lives and the final aim for ...
6月23日独立。。。。。
作者: 阿伦艾弗森 时间: 2013-6-25 16:32
6月25日独立写作
Different people have their own different ways to celebrate some major events. Some of them like to hole a big party and invite lots of friends; others, however, prefer to invite some of their closing friends and family members. For my perspective of view, I’d like to choose some intimate friends and families to have a small party.
First of all, small parties can help us communicate with our friends in a more intimate way. Only when we stay with our closed friends can we have opportunities to share our inner voice. Always after ending a major event, people need to tell others their secrets. If we hold a party which has lots of people, the atmosphere will be totally changed. The order will be mess, and the focus wouldn’t be the one who is major character but change into everyone’s happiness. The one who started party is lack of time to talk to each other.
Secondly, inviting small groups of people can show us indebted heart. Usually we can not get some achievements only by ourselves. We graduated from school not only because of our own hard-working, but also related to the hard work of teachers and helps of intimated friends. Also, the birthdays we celebrated attribute to our mothers’ pain and 10 mouths carefulness. If we invite many unrelated people, we would have less chance to show our love back to these people.
Thirdly, big parties always need much preparation before start. We need to have much workload before parties such as go to supermarket to buy many fresh vegetables and meat then come back home and cook them; we need to maintain a good order during parties because people who you invited may don’t really know much about each other and some of them may even have problems to each other. After people go back to their home, we need to clean up and it will take our much time. So I intend to choose small parties to decrease our workload.
In conclusion, I prefer to choose small parties to celebrate some events like graduation or birthday because small parties can give us more chance to communicate, more time to show our indebted heart and less work to help us save time.
作者: clermont129 时间: 2013-6-26 06:25
谢谢你帮我改作文，提出了很多很宝贵很中肯的意见
我的水平比较菜，看了你的文章，觉得整体都挺不错的，里面有几个小细节，你看要不要修改一下
1 Always after ending a major event, people need to tell others their secrets.
always 是不是放到people后面好一点？
2 the one who is major character 改成 the one who should be the major character
3 the birthdays we celebrated attribute to our mothers’ pain
attribute to 我觉得换成are based on，怎么样？
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