ChaseDream

标题: 独立写作练习贴···求提高求指导求28 [打印本页]

作者: 最后一次杀T 时间: 2012-9-24 10:27
标题: 独立写作练习贴···求提高求指导求28
一楼占位表决心。二楼先贴下9.23昨天自己练习的一道题目，走过路过的童鞋们，求拍砖，求很拍。今天开始将紧跟【写作小分队】训练步伐，预计今天10点前可以完成今天的题目。总结
1，want= desire = would like to
2，an increasing number of ......= the number of ...... has been skyrocketing 3，be the basic of = lay the foundation of
4, pollute = contaminate
5, be the reason caused to ... =be the culprit of ...
【感谢付图图童鞋的批改】

9.24
which do you choose to improve your health：kind of food you eat，amount of exercise，amount of stress

9.25
People who cannot accept the criticism from others will not be successful at working in a group.

9.26
Some jobs can pay high salaries but require employees to leave their family and friends. Some jobs pay few salaries but allow staying with family and friend. Which do you like

作者: 最后一次杀T 时间: 2012-9-24 10:28
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement.
Colleges or universities should offer students a better job preparation before they start working.

总计字数396
Unlike the people in the past, young generation get more chances to receive higher education. Not only an increasing number of new universities opened, but also all the universities developed to enroll more students. Therefore, it is difficult for students who just graduate from colleges to find jobs because the degrees seems not that important nowadays. In this case, whether colleges should offer students a better preparation before they start working becomes a controversial argument. It is nature that people from different background have diverse viewpoints on the same issue.

As to me, however, I hold the opinion that colleges or universities should, indeed, provide their students a better job preparation before they graduate. To begin with, a better job preparation, including good career service, opportunities of internship, lectures about job-seeking and so on, will benefit the students by giving them not only degrees. For example, most of the fulltime jobs are given to interns who have experiences in the company. Hence, whether the university could offer students good career service, such as help student review their resumes and hold campus career fairs, become a key factor that determined the result of their students’ job-seeking. To be more precise, if the university want to increase their students’ employment rate, one of the best way is to offer them a better job preparation during the school time.

Moreover, offering students good job preparation will attract more promising students and, to some extent, boost the school’s reputation. The reason why students choose to study in university is always that they want to find high-salaried, high-status, creditable job after graduating. Thus, they may easily attracted by universities that will assist them to achieve their goals. After these ambitious students got offers from famous companies, they became the most convincing advertisement of the school and perhaps helped built a further relationship between the company and the university.

Admittedly, some people argue that universities should focus on the academic teaching instead of job preparation because some students must have strong academic background to apply a PhD. But this opinion could not hold water because those minority could not represent the whole. The benefits brought by the job preparation services overweighs it flaws.

To sum up, for the reasons I have given above, a better job preparation should be offered by universities to make their students more competitive in the job market.

作者: fuzhengrui 时间: 2012-9-24 14:41
标题: 写的不错简单改了一下见附件
[attach]106917[/attach]

作者: 最后一次杀T 时间: 2012-9-24 14:44
标题: 9.24独立写作作业
Which do you choose to improve your health：kind of food you eat，amount of exercise，amount of stress

Unlike people in the past, new generation focus more on improving their health so that they can live longer. Many methods to achieve this goal were sprung up, including eating diet food, doing exercises regularly and reducing the stress. Which is the best way among those ways to improve health is always a controversial argument. It is nature that people from different background will have diverse viewpoints on the same issue.

As to me, however, I improve my health by carefully arranging what I eat. To begin with, it will reduce or even avoid the risk to eat something bad for our health. With the heavy environment pollution nowadays, we must select healthy food to make sure that we will not eat poison food. For example, an increasing number of chemicals used in our daily life, such as detergent, are damaging our environment, such as the river system. Those chemicals poured into the river system will not only pollute drinking water, but also the fish in the river. It is risky for our health if we eat those polluted fish. Therefore, the raw materials we choose to cook meal should be brought from creditable supermarket to ensure the quality.

Furthermore, the way we cook and the arrange of the meal are also key factors to determine whether the food is healthy. For instance, fried food will make people fat. And fat is always the original reason cause to many diseases. Besides, we should eat variety kinds of food each meal to cover all the nutrition out body needed, even though some food, for example carrot, is the one we dislike. These food that may do not have good taste will help increase our immune system to defend against the diseases. Thus, our health will be improved.

Admittedly, food that we eat is not the only factor to improve our healthy. However, it is, indeed, play a significant role to our body. After we have had a good diet habit, we could do some exercises and reduce the stress to accompany. To be more precise, only if we have had a good eating habit, the effect brought from other methods can be seen obviously.

To sum up, there are many ways to contribute to our health, but food is the most essential one. To some extent, having a better eating habit is the basic to improve our healthy and we must put it on the first place.

作者: 最后一次杀T 时间: 2012-9-24 14:50
感谢付图图同学的批改··非常有帮助··多谢··

作者: fuzhengrui 时间: 2012-9-24 23:27
标题: 9.24独立改正
[attach]106955[/attach]

作者: 最后一次杀T 时间: 2012-9-25 15:14
9.25 独立写作求狠批，求进步

总字数 441
It is no doubt that teamwork plays a more important role nowadays than it did in the past. To achieve success, people must learn how to cooperate with their team members and how to benefit from each other. Therefore, those who cannot accept the criticism from others will not be successful when working in a group.

First and foremost, accepting the criticism is an access to get improved. Only when we spontaneously and continually modify our flaws, we can become better ourselves. For example, once I was an intern in an accounting firm, I took in charge of some parts of the working paper. I spent a whole night finishing my work carefully. However, my supervisor pointed out lots of my mistakes and criticize that I did not study the working papers done previously. I felt depressed at first, but after comparing my work with those did by other experience colleagues, I found that all the criticisms were reasonable. I downloaded many examples for the internal website of the company and learnt from them. When the time my internship ended, I could write a working paper considered to be more professional than before. Due to the good performance during my internship, I got a recommended letter from my supervisor and my first fulltime job offer from this company.

Furthermore, there are two results from refusing the criticism, the first one is that no one will point out your weaknesses, and the other one is that you may involve into the conflict with your group members. Neither of the two consequences is good for the group. The one who always refuses criticism will finally be isolated in the group.
It will not only be harmful to the person himself, but also damage the whole team. To some extent, teamwork is defined as an ability to get along with other team members. And this ability now becomes a significant factor to determine whether a person can be successful.

Admittedly, some people suggests that they must insist their opinion so that they can get success. Actually, some criticisms are unconvincing and ridiculous. But this viewpoint still cannot hold water because those situations seldom appear and cannot represent the majority. To be more precise, the benefits brought from accepting criticisms overweighs its flaws. When we disagree with the criticisms, commutation is always the best way to deal with.

To sum up, for the reasons I have given above, I hold the perspective that people who cannot accept the criticism from others will not be successful at working in a group. The better we collaborate with each other, the easier we can achieve success as a whole.

作者: xiumu2280 时间: 2012-9-26 14:18
It is no doubt that teamwork plays a more important role nowadays than it did in the past. To achieve success, people must learn how to cooperate with their team members and how to benefit from each other. Therefore, those who cannot accept the criticism from others will not be successful when working in a group.(背景展开很自然，读起来也很流畅，不错）

First and foremost, accepting the criticism is an access to get improved. Only when we spontaneously and continually modify our flaws, we can become better ourselves. For example, once I was an intern in an accounting firm, I took in charge of some parts of the working paper. I spent a whole night finishing my work carefully. However, my supervisor pointed out lots of my mistakes and criticize/criticized that I did not study the working papers done previously. I felt depressed at first, but after comparing my work with those did by other experience/experienced colleagues, I found that all the criticisms were reasonable. I downloaded many examples for/from the internal website of the company and learnt/got some reference from them. When the time my internship ended, I could write a working paper considered to be more professional than before. Due to the good performance during my internship, I got a recommended letter from my supervisor and my first fulltime job offer from this company.(还是感觉很不错···好通顺，注意一些小的地方就很好了）

Furthermore, there are two results from refusing the criticism, the first one is that no one will point out your weaknesses, and the other one is that you may involve into the conflict with your group members. Neither of the two consequences is good for the group. The one who always refuses criticism will finally be isolated in the group.
It will not only be harmful to the person himself, but also damage the whole team.（说对团队的危害的时候应该展开一下,这说的太简单了，就一句话，怎么危害还没说明白） To some extent, teamwork is defined as an ability to get along with other team members. And this ability now becomes a significant factor to determine whether a person can be successful.（还有过渡句·· 实在看不出什么错误，表达的也很简练）

Admittedly, some people suggests/suggest that they must insist their opinion so that they can get success. Actually, some criticisms are unconvincing and ridiculous. But this viewpoint still cannot hold water because those situations seldom appear and cannot represent the majority. To be more precise, the benefits brought from accepting criticisms overweighs its flaws. When we disagree with the criticisms, commutation is always the best way to deal with.

To sum up, for the reasons I have given above, I hold the perspective that people who cannot accept the criticism from others will not be successful at working in a group. The better we collaborate with each other, the easier we can achieve success as a whole.

写的很棒~膜拜一个，咱俩观点很相似··但是我这明显没你这个表达的好。学习了···
还摘抄了好几句
加油！！

作者: 最后一次杀T 时间: 2012-9-26 17:11
9.26独立写作
终于写出了个500多字的作文，但是真心用了好长时间。。。

总字数532
If someone is a student graduated from well-know university which has high reputation all over the world, such as Harvard University, if someone is an expert with lots of professional knowledge and many years’ work experience, if someone has great potential that can be obviously observe by the recruiter, then surely they get jobs that offer both high salaries and reasonable location nearby their families and friends. In fact, most of the ordinary people must make a choice between high salary and good location. It is nature that people with different backgrounds might have diverse viewpoints on the same issue.

As to me, however, I would like to have a job offered high salary, especially when the time I have just graduated from university and have no work experience, even though I must leave my hometown to take the job. First and foremost, it is no doubt that high salaryalways accompanies the high work stress and overtime. But it is essential to learnhow to deal with pressure and how to balance life and work when we first startour career. All these experiences will force us get improved. What is more, we can accumulate the professional knowledge and valuable work experience more than those who have easy jobs. For example, I took the job offer with high salary from the company located far from my hometown, while my best friend chose the job paid few salary but built just next to the community she lives in when wegraduated from university last year. During the year, I worked overtime until ten o’clock at office nearly every day, took in charge of several small but important cases, and passed some certifications tests that related to my work.However, my best friend got off work at 4 o’clock, read newspapers and seldom wrotesome documents at work, watched soap operas every day. Absolutely, I will bemore and more competitive in the job market in the future.

Furthermore, the benefits of working in different places overweigh its flaws. With the development of new technology, many methods that enable us keep in touch with our families andfriends sprung out. For example, we can call each other in any time, chat online wherever we are, and even fly back home on weekends. But what we gain from working in diverse places cannot be even imagined by those who stay in a small life circle. One of the best advantages of working far away from hometown is that it will broad our version. My experience mentioned above can illustratethis point, too. When the time I go on business trip to another country and communicate with foreign collogues from all over the world, my friend may just gossip some affairs of movie stars.

Admittedly, some people argue that they live in a happy life because they have strong relationship with their family and friends, even though they do not have a high salaries. It is that, indeed, money cannot buy the real happiness. However, this viewpoint still could not hold water because more happiness will be found in the world outside and true friendship and family love will not fade due to the long distance.

作者: Iszy 时间: 2012-9-27 20:06
标题: ^^,哇咔咔，改作文了,嘿嘿~~~
红色字体为有误，黄色字体为“赞”句，绿色为可改善句

If someone is a student graduated from well-know university (a well-know university) which has high reputation（has a high reputation) all over the world, such as Harvard University,(逗号是不是应该改成“；”,后同） if someone is an expert with lots of professional knowledge and many years’ work experience, if someone has great potential that can be obviously observe（被动：observed） by the recruiter, then surely they get jobs（时态：they will/can get jobs) that offer(主语是“job",被动："are offered"或者“have") both high salaries and reasonable (^^,”satisfied“是否更妥帖呢？）location nearby their families and friends. In fact, most of the ordinary people must make a choice between high salary and good location（两者都是可数名词：high salaries and good locations). It is nature that people with different backgrounds might have diverse viewpoints on the same issue.

As to me(好像应该是"As for me"), however, I would like to have a job offered high salary (high salaries/ a high salary), especially when ~~the time~~ (重复，语法不对呀；后同）I have just graduated from university (名词“裸奔”了，改为the university) and have no work experience, even though I must leave my hometown to take the job.（建议与上句相连，用“in spite of leaving my hometown to take the job) First and foremost, it is no doubt that high salary always accompanies the high work stress and overtime. But it is essential to learn how to deal with pressure and how to balance life and work when we first start our career. All these experiences will force us get improved (force us into improving ourselves, ps: force sb into (sth/doing sth)). What is more, we can accumulate the professional knowledge and valuable work experience more than those who have easy jobs. For example, I took(可换不同的词，例如"chose“）the job offer （offered)with high salary ( a high salary) from the company located far from my hometown, while my best friend chose the job paid few salary (a lower salary) but built ( "job"不可能“built”，改为：whose provider is ) just next to the community she lives in when we graduated from university last year. During the year, I worked overtime until ten o’clock at office nearly every day, took in charge of several small but important cases, and passed some certifications tests that related to my work.However, my best friend got off work at 4 o’clock, read newspapers and seldom wrote(had to write) some documents at work, (and) watched soap operas every day. Absolutely, I will be more and more competitive (than my best friend) in the job market in the future.(这句有点突然,加一点不知道是不是好一些）

Furthermore,the benefits of working in different places overweigh its flaws. With the development of new technology, many methods that enable us keep （enable us to keep,"to"一定不能省） in touch with our families and friends sprung out （意思是？）. For example, we can call each other in any time, chat online wherever we are, and even fly back home on weekends. But what we gain from working in diverse places cannot be even imagined by those who stay in a small life circle. One of the best advantages of working far away from hometown is that it will broad（broaden）our version （horizon）. My experience mentioned above can illustrate this point, too. When ~~the time~~ I go on business trip （trip是可数名词，改为“a trip") to another country and communicate with foreign collogues (colleagues) from all over the world, my friend (friends) may just gossip ~~some affairs of~~ (啰嗦了）movie stars.

Admittedly, some people argue that they live in a happy lifebecause they have strong relationship （relationships) with their family and friends, even though they do not have a high salaries ( a high salary). ~~It is that,~~ indeed (Indeed), money cannot buy the real happiness. However,this view point still could not hold water because more happiness will be found in the world outside and true friendship (friendships) and family love will not fade due to (because of) the long distance.

总结

1、可数名词的单复数形式~~~！！！这点出的失误有点多呀~~
2、动词的“被动”要注意！
3、给的理由有重叠的地方，尤其是"Furthermore"那段：“做出的选择优点大于缺点"可以涵盖很多东西了

建议
如果一篇文章中有很多地方要表达同一个意思，表达方式可不可以多样化一点呢~~例如："took the job "

但是，总的来看，结构是清晰和完整的！^^

作者: 最后一次杀T 时间: 2012-9-27 20:41
感谢Iszy同学的意见··

同学一定刚考完GMAT，各种语法看的很细，膜拜。。这篇的确是各种名词都在裸奔啊。。

下回会好好注意的。。。BTW，sprung out【spring out】可以理解为【雨后春笋般的出现了。。】

作者: Iszy 时间: 2012-9-27 22:11
标题: ^^,哈哈，不客气，互帮互助，应该的！
谢谢你的夸奖~\(≧▽≦)/~啦啦啦~~~~事实上，我还没考过GMAT~~~会这么注重细节，很可能跟我的性格有关~~~~

还有，很高兴可以改你的作文啦~~~

作者: 最后一次杀T 时间: 2012-9-27 22:39

谢谢你的夸奖~\(≧▽≦)/~啦啦啦~~~~事实上，我还没考过GMAT~~~会这么注重细节，很可能跟我的性格有关~~~~

还有，很高兴可以改你的作文啦~~~

-- by 会员 Iszy (2012/9/27 22:11:51)

还没考已经这么注重语法了。。加油加油 Gmat一定妥妥的拿下。。

作者: 最后一次杀T 时间: 2012-9-28 00:26
9.27 独立写作
总字数413

If someone is an outstanding student graduated from a well-know university which has a high reputation all over the world, such as Harvard University, if someone is super intelligent in a specific field, and if someone has a special life experience which makes him or her far more mature than the counterparts, surely they can achieve success easily without the help from their family. However, most of the ordinary people succeed under the assists from their family more or less. It is no doubt that it is much easier to achieve success with help from one’s family than what is like before.

First and foremost, with the improvement of the living standards, the number of families that could offer their children a better learning environment, such as sponsoring their children to study abroad, has been sky rocketing. Receiving a high education is always the first step to get success. A recent report suggests that an increasing number of young generation go abroad to have their further studies, and the age of those overseas students trends to be lower. They are, indeed, supported by their parents. It seems easier for us to get strong financial support from parents. While, it was hard for the older generations to imagine the life outside the country when they were young.

Furthermore, nowadays, social network plays an significant role in the modern life. The strong relationship built by our parents becomes a valuable resources for us. By using the network, we can easily find the first internship, get a reference, and even deal with some troubles. For example, Bill Gates can be considered a successful man. But when Microsoft was just founded, he did a business with IBM, which company his mother worked in. This order from IBM has a great influence to the early Microsoft. It is no denying that the network of his mother helps him a lot.

Admittedly, some people may argue that no matter how times change, we can successful by the struggle of ourselves. But this opinion could still not hold water because those who can success always must have overcome more hardship than we can imagine. On the contrary, many other people can reach the same level easily by both their hard work and the strong support from their family.

To sum up, for the reasons I have given above, I insist my perspective that it is much easier to achieve success with help from one's family than what is like before.

作者: chunte20 时间: 2012-9-29 11:38
If someone is an outstanding studentgraduated from a ~~well-know~~ (well-known)university which has a high reputation(reputation不可數) all over the world, suchas Harvard University, if someone is super intelligent in a specific field, andif someone has a special life experience which makes him or her far more maturethan the counterparts, surely they can achieve success easily without the helpfrom their family. However, most of the ordinary people succeed under theassists from their family more or less. It is no doubt that it is much easierto achieve success with help from one’s family than what is like before.

First and foremost, with the improvement of the living standards, the number offamilies that could offer their children a better learning environment, such assponsoring their children to study abroad, has been sky rocketing. Receiving ahigh education is always the first step to get success. A recent reportsuggests that an increasing number of young generation go abroad to have theirfurther studies, and the age of those overseas students trends to be lower.They are, indeed, supported by their parents. It seems easier for us to getstrong financial support from parents. While, it was hard for the oldergenerations to imagine the life outside the country when they were young.

Furthermore, nowadays, social network plays an significant role in the modernlife. The strong relationship built by our parents becomes a valuable resourcesfor us. By using the network, we can easily find the first internship, get areference, and even deal with some troubles. For example, Bill Gates can beconsidered a successful man. But when Microsoft was just founded, he did abusiness with IBM, which company his mother worked in. This order from IBM hasa great influence to(on) the early Microsoft. It is no denying that thenetwork of his mother helps him a lot.

Admittedly, some people may argue that no matter how times change, we can be successful by the struggle of ourselves. But thisopinion ~~could~~ still not hold waterbecause those who can ~~success~~(succeed) always must have overcome more hardship thanwe can imagine. On the contrary, many other people can reach the same leveleasily by both their hard work and the strong support from their family.

To sum up, for the reasons I have given above, I insist my perspective that itis much easier to achieve success with help from one's family than what is likebefore.

作者: 最后一次杀T 时间: 2012-9-29 11:45
928独立写作
总字数390

Currently, education plays an significant role in our daily life and the whole society. Almost all the parents instinctively devote themselves to cultivating their offspring, therefore, young generation seems receive more resources and access to be educated. Whether people are now easier to become educated than in the past is a controversial issue. It is nature that people from different background might have diverse viewpoint on the same argument.

As to me, however, I hold the opinion that people now are absolutely easier to become educated than in the past. First and foremost, with the development of technology, such as internet, television and radio, people nowadays have more means to obtain the knowledge than did their counterparts. For instance, when I prepared for my Certified Public Accountant test last year, I took online courses so that I could download the teaching videos of the most famous teacher in the field and watched them whenever I wanted. It is very convenient for the students who have no stable time to go to the real training class due to the overtime work, and whose home is far away from the training center. For the people in the past, perhaps they must choose to study by themselves if they have the same difficulties. Thus, high technology makes education become easier.
Furthermore, not only the number of universities has been skyrocketing, but also an increasing number of students enrolled in universities. It enables students choose a school they would like to join and select their favorite major. A recently research shows that more than seventy percent of the students graduated from high school, in the city I live in, could attend into university. Obviously, the education system is more completed than before.

Admittedly, some people may argue that the old generation could be educated easier because they focused more on their study instead of playing computer games like the youths now. However, this opinion could not hold water because only a minority of student addicted in the computer games. It is no doubt that the benefits brought from the new technology overweighs its flaws.

To sum up, to the reasons I have given above, I strongly contend the perspective that people are easier to be educated than in the past. No matter whether we are students, we can get various accesses to be educated.

作者: 最后一次杀T 时间: 2012-9-29 11:46
谢谢chunte20

作者: bonnenuit 时间: 2012-9-29 15:13
Currently, education plays an significant role in our daily life and the whole society. Almost all the parents instinctively devote themselves to cultivating their offspring, therefore, young generation seems to receive more resources and access to be educated. Whether people are now easier to become educated than in the past is a controversial issue. It is nature that people from different background might have diverse viewpoints on the same argument.

As to me, however, I hold the opinion that people now are absolutely easier to become educated than in the past. First and foremost, with the development of technology, such as internet, television and radio, people nowadays have more means to obtain the knowledge than did their counterparts. For instance, when I prepared for my Certified Public Accountant test last year, I took online courses so that I could download the teaching videos of the most famous teacher in the field and watched(我觉得这个watched是和前面的download平行，应该改watch吧） them whenever I wanted. It is very convenient for the students who have no stable time to go to the real training class due to the overtime work, and whose home is（前面是have,这里应该are) far away from the training center. For the people in the past, perhaps they must choose to study by themselves if they have the same difficulties（句首提到了in the past, 我觉得这句后半段应该用过去式比较合适吧，个人意见，也不怎么确定）. Thus, high technology makes education become easier.
Furthermore, not only the number of universities has been skyrocketing, but also an increasing number of students enrolled in universities. It enables students choose a school they would like to join and select their favorite major. A recently research shows that more than seventy percent of the students graduated from high school, in the city I live in, could attend into university. Obviously, the education system is more completed than before.

Admittedly, some people may argue that the old generation could be educated easier because they focused more on their study instead of playing computer games like the youths（do,playing games跟youths不能类比） now. However, this opinion could not hold water because only a minority of student addicted in the computer games. It is no doubt that the benefits brought from the new technology overweighs its（benefits，换them) flaws.

To sum up, to the reasons I have given above, I strongly contend the perspective that people are easier to be educated than in the past. No matter whether we are students, we can get various accesses to be educated.
除了一些语法小问题在平常写作稍稍注意一下就行了
目测LZ写作水平很高
词汇基础扎实，拼写也很棒；有效地采用了多种衔接方法，层次清晰；若增加一些从句的使用，会更好

也感谢LZ对我的作文批改意见很受用！

作者: 最后一次杀T 时间: 2012-9-30 21:24
929独立写作交作业啊交作业。。

总字数 463
Obviously, everyone has different friends in their each life stage. When we are in the preschool age, we have friends who play with us. When we are in school, we have friends who study with us together. When we start our job career, we have friends who can help each other. They are all indispensable to us. But if I must choose one to be the most important, I will definitely choose the friend who I can get help from.

To begin with, the friends who offer me assists will help me improve myself. It is no doubt that this kind of friend always have a broader version, a richer life experience, and more abundant resources. They can always given us many advices in both life and work. For example, when I just graduated from university and started my job career, I received lots of stresses that beyond my imagination. Finally in one day, I could not bear the pressure and could not stop crying in the company bathroom. Fortunately, my supervisor, an elegance, competent, and ambitious woman, just passed by. Then she sent an E-mail to encourage me and said that I was just like her when she first began her work. Even though she is my supervisor, I treat her as my most important friend. Due to her E-mail, I have overcome all my difficulties and been considered one of the most promising new staff in our company.

Furthermore, the friends that I can get help from are the real friends. To be more precise, if someone always helps me no matter what position I am in, whether I am rich or not, and even when I am in troubles, he or she can be considered as a real friend. For example, once I lost almost all my money in stock market, and even could afford my house rent. My best friend lent me money to pay for my rent, and woke me up from the unrealistic dream that I can earn money from gambling in stock market. Since then, I focused on my work, and got promoted. I returned the money to my best friend and decided to spare no effect to help her when she needs.

Admittedly, some people argue that the friends who will bring us fun are more essential because they define fun as the most important part of life. However, this opinion could not hold water. What if when we feel sad？Those kind of friends may stay far away from us because we cannot have fun together.

To sum up, for the reasons I have given above, I strongly contend that the friends who I can get help from are more significant to my life. I will try my best to remain our friendship.

作者: Iszy 时间: 2012-9-30 21:46
标题: 改作文~~^^
929独立写作交作业啊交作业。。

总字数 463
Obviously, everyone has different friends in their each life stage. When we are in the preschool age, we have friends who play with us. When we are in school, we have friends who study with us together. When we start our job career, we have friends who can help each other. They are all indispensable to us. But if I must choose one to be the most important, I will definitely choose the friend who I can get help from.

To begin with, the friends who offer me assists will help me improve myself. It is no doubt that this kind of friend always have a broader version, a richer life experience, and more abundant resources. They can always given us many advices（advice不可数，lots of advice ) in both life and work. For example, when I just graduated from university and started my job career, I received lots of stresses that beyond my imagination. Finally in one day, I could not bear the pressure and could not stop crying in the company bathroom. Fortunately, my supervisor, an elegance (elegant), competent, and ambitious woman, just passed by. Then she sent an E-mail to encourage me and said that I was just like her when she first began her work. Even though she is my supervisor, I treat her as my most important friend. Due to her E-mail, I have overcome all my difficulties and been considered one of the most promising new staff(staffs/staves) in our company.

Furthermore, the friends that I can get help from are the real friends. To be more precise, if someone always helps me no matter what position I am in, whether I am rich or not, and even when I am in troubles, (第三个小分局好像与前面两个不平行，但这个只是小问题，整体很漂亮）he or she can be considered as a real friend. For example, once I lost almost all my money in stock market, and even could（couldn't）afford my house rent. My best friend lent me money to pay for my rent, and woke me up from the unrealistic dream that I can earn money from gambling in stock market. Since then, I focused on my work, and got promoted. I returned the money to my best friend and decided to spare no effect to (spare no effort to )help her when she needs.

Admittedly, some people argue that the friends who will bring us fun are more essential because they define fun as the most important part of life. However, this opinion could not hold water. What if when we feel sad？Those kind of friends may stay far away from us because we cannot have fun together.

To sum up, for the reasons I have given above, I strongly contend that the friends who I can get help from are more significant to my life. I will try my best to remain our friendship （friendships）.

写的很好，例子很具体，短句与短语的排比修辞很漂亮，嘿嘿，我要学学楼主了~~~

作者: 最后一次杀T 时间: 2012-9-30 21:55

排比也是我从这个版块某帖子里边学的。。

多谢批改··

一起加油

作者: 最后一次杀T 时间: 2012-9-30 22:23
930独立交作业

总字数404【曾被付图图同学批改过，此为2.0版本 O(∩_∩)O】欢迎进一步修改，成为3.0版本
Unlike the people in the past, young generation get more chances to receive higher education. Not only the number of universities has been skyrocketing, but also an increasing number of students are enrolled in universities. Therefore, it is difficult for students who just graduate from colleges to find promising jobs because the degrees seems not that valuable as the past. In this case, whether colleges should offer students a better preparation before they start working becomes a controversial argument. It is nature that people from different background have diverse viewpoints on the same issue.

As to me, however, I hold the opinion that colleges or universities should, indeed, provide their students a better job preparation before they graduate. To begin with, a better job preparation, including good career service, opportunities of internship, lectures about job-seeking and so on, will benefit the students by giving them more than a degree. For example, most of the fulltime jobs are given to interns who have work experiences in the company. Hence, whether the university could offer students good career service, such as help student review their resumes and hold campus career fairs, becomes a key factor that determined the result of their students’ job-seeking. To be more precise, if the university desires to increase their students’ employment rate, one of the best way is to offer them a better job preparation during the school time.

Moreover, offering students good job preparation will attract more promising students and, to some extent, boost the school’s reputation. The reason why students choose to study in university is always that they want to find a high-salaried, high-status, creditable job after graduation. Thus, they may easily attracted by universities that will assist them to achieve their goals. After these ambitious and potential students get offers from famous companies, they become the most convincing advertisements of the school and perhaps help built a closer relationship between the company and the university.

Admittedly, some people argue that universities should focus on the academic teaching instead of job preparation because some students must have strong academic background to apply a PhD. But this opinion could not hold water because those minority could not represent the whole. The benefits of the job preparation services overweigh its flaws.

To sum up, for the reasons I have given above, a better job preparation should be offered by universities to make their students more competitive in the job market.

作者: Salome90 时间: 2012-10-1 10:56
Unlike the people in the past, young generationget more chances to receive higher education. Not only the number ofuniversities has been skyrocketing, but also an increasing number of studentsare enrolled in universities. Therefore, it is difficult for students who justgraduate from colleges to find promising jobs because the degrees seems(seem) notthat valuable as the past. In this case, whether colleges should offer studentsa better preparation before they start working becomes a controversialargument. It is nature that people from different background (backgrounds) have diverse viewpoints on the same issue.

As to me, however, I hold the opinion thatcolleges or universities should, indeed, provide their students a better jobpreparation before they graduate. To begin with, a better job preparation,including good career service, opportunities of internship, lectures aboutjob-seeking and so on, will benefit the students by giving them more than adegree. For example, most of the fulltime jobs are given to interns who havework experiences in the company（用the company感觉有点奇怪，不确定）. Hence, whether the university could offer students good careerservice (services), such as help student review their resumes and hold campuscareer fairs, becomes a key factor that determined the result of theirstudents’ job-seeking. To be more precise, if the university desires toincrease their （前面the univesity貌似应该用its）students’ employment rate, one of the best way（ways） is tooffer them a better job preparation during the school time.

Moreover, offering students （a）good jobpreparation will attract more promising students and, to some extent, boost theschool’s reputation. The reason why students choose to study in university isalways that they want to find a high-salaried, high-status, creditable jobafter graduation. Thus, they may easily (be) attracted by universities that will assist themto achieve their goals. After these ambitious and potential students get offersfrom famous companies, they become the most convincing advertisements of theschool and perhaps help built(build) a closer relationship between the company andthe university.

Admittedly, some people argue that universitiesshould focus on the academic teaching instead of job preparation because somestudents must have strong academic background (backgrounds) to apply aPhD. But this opinion could not hold water because(这一段的2个大句子都是XXX becauseXXX的形式，要不要稍微变换一点？) those minority could not represent the whole. Thebenefits of the job preparation services （后面是its，这里貌似单数）overweigh its flaws.

To sum up, for the reasons I have given above, abetter job preparation should be offered by universities to make their studentsmore competitive in the job market.
我第一次参加小组活动也是刚开始准备作文。。。就遇到了大牛的文章。。。。。。杀t 同学比我写的好太多太多了，现在回头看看自己写的简直不忍直视。。。。。水平有限，看了很多遍也只找出来一点单复数问题，有的我自己也不确定。。。。。期待更多好作文，我要向杀t同学学习!真的收获很多！

作者: 最后一次杀T 时间: 2012-10-1 12:01

我第一次参加小组活动也是刚开始准备作文。。。就遇到了大牛的文章。。。。。。杀t 同学比我写的好太多太多了，现在回头看看自己写的简直不忍直视。。。。。水平有限，看了很多遍也只找出来一点单复数问题，有的我自己也不确定。。。。。期待更多好作文，我要向杀t同学学习!真的收获很多！

-- by 会员 Salome90 (2012/10/1 10:56:33)

大牛真的不敢当啊。。共同进步··

作者: 最后一次杀T 时间: 2012-10-2 20:05
10.1交作业··

总字数450
With the expansion influence of the high technology, such as new transportations and the internet, it is more convenient for us to live in the modern life. However, those high technologies, at the same time, also bring us vast of risks and unsecure factors for our life. Whether these most important problems in today’s world will be solved in our lifetime is always a controversial argument. It is nature that people with different background will have diverse viewpoint on the same issue.

As to me, however, I hold the opinion that all the significant problems will be solved in few decades. To begin with, one of the most crucial troubles in our daily life now is the car emission. Due to the polluted gases emitted from various transportations, which are the culprit of the greenhouse effort, not only the environment but also the health of animals on earth, including our human beings, are in danger. However, all the scientists spare no effort to solve this problem and they have, indeed, come up with some solutions. For example, using the alcohol to replace the fossil fuel has been proved to be a practical way to avoid producing the greenhouse gases. And what is more, the number of people who have realized that they must take actions to prevent our planet from contaminating has been skyrocketing. Therefore, with the help of all the human beings, the car emission will definitely reduce or even disappear in few decades.

Furthermore, with the rapid development of the internet, the information secure has become a serious problem which is closely related to our life. To some extent, nearly all the private information of us has a risk to be exposed. But I strongly contend that this problem will be solved in my lifetime. We live in a world where knowledge is accumulated by multiplying and becomes simultaneously more and more specialized. All the professional experts will try their best to develop new methods to protect our information security. It is no doubt that those information systems, for example those used by government, business organizations, and hospitals, will be more precisely and well-made so that it can defend from any attacks.

Admittedly, some people may argue that the worldwide problem such as the nuclear weapon will never be solved because no country which owns it will give up their study first. But this perspective could not hold water because all the troubles produced by ourselves could must be solved by ourselves. The potential of human beings is far beyond our imagination.

To sum up, for the reasons I have given, I absolutely believe that the most important problems in today's world will be solved in our lifetime.

作者: tracyn 时间: 2012-10-2 21:39
10.1交作业··

总字数450

With the ~~expansion~~increasing influence of the high technology, such as new transportations and the internet, it is more convenient for us to live ~~in the~~a modern life. However, those high technolog~~ies~~ y, at the same time, also brings us vast (vast在强调大量的时候后面通常加number/amount之类的，这里用numerous强调数量多)of risks and unsecured factors ~~for~~ to our life. Whether these most important problems in today’s world will be solved in our lifetime is always a controversial argument. It is nature that people with different background will have diverse viewpoints on the same issue.

As to me, however, I hold the opinion that all the significant problems will be solved in few decades. To begin with, one of the most crucial troubles in our daily life now is the car emission. Due to the polluted gases emitted from various transportations, which are the culprits of the greenhouse effort, not only the environment but also ~~the health of~~ animals on the earth, including our human beings, are in danger. However, all the scientists spare no effort to solve this problem and they have, indeed, come up with some solutions. For example, using the alcohol to replace the fossil fuel has been proved to be a practical way to avoid producing the greenhouse gases.(这个例子不错) ~~And~~ what is more, the number of people who have realized that ~~they must take actions~~actions must be taken(多点变化) to prevent our planet from contaminating has been skyrocketing(这个词是informal的，虽然不错). Therefore, with the help of all the human beings, the car emission will definitely reduce or even disappear in few decades.

Furthermore, with the rapid development of the internet, the information ~~secure~~security has become a serious problem which is closely related to our life. To some extent, nearly all the private information of us has a risk to be exposed. But I strongly contend that this problem will be solved in my lifetime. We live in a world where knowledge is accumulated by multiplying(这个用法没有查到) and becomes simultaneously more and more specialized. All the professional experts will try their best to develop new methods to protect our information security. It is no doubt that those information systems, for example those used by government, business organizations, and hospitals, will be more precisely and well-made so that it can defend from any attacks.(第二，三主体段内部结构都不错，第三段论述不是很充分，理由也和第二段相似)

Admittedly, some people may argue that the worldwide problem such as the nuclear weapon will never be solved because no country which owns it will give up their study first. But this perspective could not hold water because all the troubles produced by ourselves could must be solved by ourselves. The potential of human beings is far beyond our imagination.

To sum up, for the reasons I have given, I absolutely believe that the most important problems in today's world will be solved in our lifetime.

就整片论述而言，不是很充分，仅仅举出两个例子，无法说明the most important problems都可以解决，或者再开头定义the most important problems只有这两个，或者在结尾解释下，其他的也可以解决。

作者: wsywsy1 时间: 2012-10-3 14:39
哈喽~我是来是来围观学习的~

亲~等你的作文捏~

~

互相督促~互相提高~

作者: 最后一次杀T 时间: 2012-10-3 19:59
10.2独立写作

总字数421

Withthe development of the high technology, various types of new electronic media, includingtelevision and movies, spring out and have an increasing effects on society. Whetherthose kinds of new media have more negative influences than positive influenceson the way young people behave is always a controversial argument. It isnatural that people with different background might have diverse viewpoints onthe same issue.

As to me, however,I hold the opinion that movies and television have more positive effects to theyoung generation. To begin with, television and movies, both kinds of new mediawhich are popular nowadays, offer all the people a perfect access to receiveeducation. For example, when I was in the university time, I often downloadedthe Harvard open courses from the internet and played them on television. Manypublic courses from famous universities all over the world will be madeavailable free to the public via the new media, so, to some extent, this is away of allowing the whole world to benefit from what the students do at those wellknown schools. And also, many channels provide meaningful and useful televisionprograms so that we can watch them just by opening the television.

Furthermore, younggeneration obtain not only the academic knowledge but also something that theycannot learn from books through watching television and movies. For instance, thestory Snow White has been adopted by many film producers in decades. It is nodoubt that no matter how the plot changed, children can still realize the truemeaning of love and courage via these kind of classic movies. When they facethe difficulties, they will insist and struggle to succeed just like the SnowWhite.

Admittedly, somecontexts of the television and movies, such as violence and horrible, are,indeed, not suitable for the youth. Parents may worry about that their kidswill follow the behaviors acted in the bad movies. But this perspective couldnot hold water because it is the responsibility for adults to give theirchildren correct leading. To be more precise, if parents help to select the programsand movies before their offspring watching them, this problem can be avoided. Therefore,the benefits brought from those new electronic media overweigh the flaws.

To sum up, for thereasons I have given above, I strongly contend that the movies and televisionplay an significant role in the society and have more positive influences than thenegative ones. No doubt their effects will become even greater to the nextgeneration in the future.

作者: wsywsy1 时间: 2012-10-3 20:44
With the development of the high technology, the electronic media, such as television and movies, hasan increasing effects（个人认为改为have great/increasing effects,因为TV和Movies 算复数吧~） on society. Whether those kinds of new media（medias） have more negative influences than positive influences on the way young people behave is always a controversial argument. It is natural that people with different background(backgrounds,我觉得用复数比较好哦~) might have diverse viewpoints on the same issue.

As to me, however, I hold the opinion that movies and television have more positive effects to（on ） the young generation. To begin with, television and movies, both kinds of new media which are popular nowadays, offer all the people a perfect access to receive education. For example, when I was in the university time, I often downloaded the Harvard open courses(opening courses) from the internet and played them on television. Many public courses from famous universities all over the world will be made available free(个人觉得有点点问题哦，make 是v，available 是adj，free 也是adj.改为necessarily free) to the public via the new media, so, to some extent, this is a way of allowing the whole world to benefit from what the students do at those well known schools. And also, many channels provide meaningful and useful television programs so that we can watch them just by opening the television. (段落的细节写得很好哦~鼓掌，学习了)

Furthermore, young generation obtain not only the academic knowledge but also something that they cannot learn from books through watching television and movies. For instance, the story Snow White has been adopted by many film producers in decades. It is no doubt that no matter how the plot changed, children can still realize the true meaning of love and courage via these kind of classic movies. When they face the difficulties, they will insist and struggle to succeed just like the Snow White. （细节展开得好好~）

Admittedly, some contexts of the television and movies, such as violence and horrible（horror）, are, indeed, not suitable for the youth. Parents may worry about that their kids will follow the behaviors acted in the bad movies. But this perspective could not hold water because it is the responsibility for adults(呃。。因为比较常见是这个it is responsible for) to give their children correct leading. To be more precise, if parents help to select the programs and movies before their offspring（孩子们是不是该加个S比较好~） watching them, this problem can be avoided. Therefore, the benefits brought from those new electronic media overweigh the flaws.

To sum up, for the reasons I have given above, I strongly contend （亲是不是想打convince）that the movies and television play an significant role in the society and have more positive influences than the negative ones. No doubt their effects will become even greater to the next generation in the future.

我第一次改文~改得不好~

细节展开很好，条理也很清晰，学习了。

有改得不对的地方请告诉我哦

作者: 最后一次杀T 时间: 2012-10-3 20:58
感谢WSY童鞋批改

With the development of the high technology, the electronic media, such as television and movies, has an increasing effects on society.
这句话with是伴随状语，the electronic media作为主语是单数，such as...是插入语，谓语时has，所以谓语应该与主语电子媒体保持一致，所以是单数

Many public courses from famous universities all over the world will be made available free to the public
这句里面的free我想做动词来着，是be made do sth. 好像表达上是有点别扭，但是我也没想通是什么问题。。。

作者: wsywsy1 时间: 2012-10-3 21:21

感谢WSY童鞋批改

-- by 会员最后一次杀T (2012/10/3 20:58:21)

真心漏看了前面的media,我错了~嗷。。

我翻了一下字典。be made to do是有“强迫”的意思，但是也有写，出产，制定的意思。。加个to吧。。在牛津高阶的1221页。。你看看哦~

作者: 最后一次杀T 时间: 2012-10-4 20:16
10.3独立写作交作业啦

总字数416

If someone has already become an expert in a certain field, if someone has just found a perfect but time-sensitive idea, if someone is wealthy enough that can afford the failure, surely they should take action immediately. However, in my view, most of the ordinary people should have patience before they make enough preparations.

To begin with, patience is a kind of attitude which allows us to evaluate ourselves accurately. For example, With the development of the internet, there are so many examples about that someone earns his first amount of money by electronic businesses. Nowadays, an increasing number of college students are attracted by those legends and focus on how to make money instead of their study. When they graduate from the university, they distain to take the entry level job because the salary may lower their expectation. After many year later, based on the knowledge leant from university, those who start their career in a big company may become an professional in a particular field, but most of those who run their own small business still run a small business. Thus, whether we have patience is always an essential factor to succeed, especially when the time we must spend time to accumulate the knowledge.

Furthermore, patience, to some extent, can be considered as the period to think twice about the goal. To be more precise, we may simply concentrate on the bright result after we success and ignore the amount risky we must take. For example, one of my friends dropped his job to travel around the world because they thought he could become an professional traveler just as those who can been seen in magazines or television programs. Now, he feels regretful because so many people have the same dream and he is not unique enough to stand out. If he could stay patience and think twice, he may have been a supervisor in his prior company this year. Thus, we must have patience to insist what we do now, especially when we feel tired or face the dilemma.

Admittedly, some people argues that they have to make a decision immediately without thinking in some cases. Nonetheless, this opinion could not hold water because the minority could not represent the whole world.

To sum up, for the reasons I have given above, I strongly assert that patience is a good strategy. No matter what we are facing, keep calm and stay patience are always the best ways to get out of the trouble.

作者: 超级无敌小鹤鹤 时间: 2012-10-5 10:18
o(*≧▽≦)ツ
[attach]107415[/attach]

作者: 最后一次杀T 时间: 2012-10-5 20:26
10.4交作业
总字数453

If a student can learn spontaneously, if a student knows exactly how important the knowledge he obtains from school, if a student has already had strong interest in what he studies, surely they do not need to be taught the significance of the subject outside of school. On the contrary, most of the students are not that outstanding. Therefore, I strongly assert that one of the best way to increase students’ interest in a subject is to teach them how significant the subjects are outside of schools.

To begin with, interest always derived from the curiosity. When the professor teach students the importance of the subject by describing how it will be practiced in a job, the curiosity of the students will appear. With the curiosity, interest will be generated. For example, I had no interest in the database course because I thought this course could be used only by programmers, but I wanted to be an auditor. I spent few time studying it until my professor told me that the database knowledge are also used prevalent in internal auditing field. After I realized that it is really essential for an internal auditor to know some database knowledge, I got down to learn it and found that it is interesting and worth to learn well.

Furthermore, one of the best way to teach students about the significance of a subject outside the school is to give them a chance to have a internship in certain area. Internship will not only tell them the importance, but also offer them an opportunity to practice what they have learnt. Many students’ interest will be stirred up through using the knowledge. Then they will dig it deeper themselves. For instance, my brother, a sophomore in university, noticed how important the coding skill is after he finished his internship in GOOGLE. He feels regretful about the time he wasted in the first year in college. So, when he came back after the summer vacation, he could always be seen in the professor’s office hour and in the library.

Admittedly, some people may argue that the young generations are rebellious so that they may even less interested in the subjects that were considered to be significant. However, this opinion could not hold water because everyone will be mature enough someday to judge what other people say. When the time they grow up, the memory of what the teachers or the parents said will be aroused. Thus, he will learn something themselves due to their interest.

To sum up, my viewpoint is that, for the reasons given above, making the students realize the significance of a subject outside the school is a useful and practical method to stimulate their interest.

作者: Iszy 时间: 2012-10-5 21:57
If a student can learn spontaneously, if a student knows exactly how important the knowledge he obtains from school, if a student has already had strong interest in what he studies, surely they do not need to be taught the significance of the subject outside of school. On the contrary, most of the students are not that outstanding. Therefore, I strongly assert that one of the best way to increase students’ interest in a subject is to teach them how significant the subjects are outside of schools.

To begin with, interest always derived（derives) from the curiosity. When the professor teaches students the importance of the subject by describing how it will be practiced in a job, the curiosity of the students will appear. With the curiosity, interest will be generated. For example, I had no interest in the database course because I thought this course could be used only by programmers, but I wanted to be an auditor. I spent few time studying it until my professor told me that the database knowledge are (were?) also used prevalent(prevalently) in internal auditing field. After I realized that it is really essential for an internal auditor to know some database knowledge, I got down to learn it and found that it is interesting and worth to learn well. (例子说明了：知道知识有用所以去学习；需要证明的论点是“好奇心产生兴趣”，有点不搭呀~~第二句的说明好像也有点偏差~）
Furthermore, one of the best way to teach students about the significance of a subject outside the school is to give them a chance to have a （an) internship in certain area. Internship will not only tell them the importance, but also offer them an opportunity to practice what they have learnt. Many students’ interest will be stirred up through using the knowledge. Then they will dig it deeper bythemselves. For instance, my brother, a sophomore in university, noticed how important the coding skill is after he finished his internship in GOOGLE. He feelsregretful about the time he wasted in the first year in college. So, when he came back after the summer vacation, he could always be seen in the professor’s office hour and in the library. (例子切题，但时态有些混乱~~可改善）

Admittedly, some people may argue that the young generations are rebellious so that they may even less interested in the subjects that were considered to be significant. However, this opinion could not hold water because everyone will be mature enough someday to judge what other people say. When the time they grow up,（When they grow up)the memory of what the teachers or the parents said will be aroused. Thus, he(they) will learn something (by) themselves due to their interest.

To sum up, my viewpoint is that, for the reasons given above, making the students realize the significance of a subject outside the school is a useful and practical method to stimulate their interest.

因为是在别人家上网，所以改得比较粗糙，回去在仔细斟酌~~~见谅！！！^^
g

作者: 最后一次杀T 时间: 2012-10-6 19:45
10.5独立交作业
总字数 413

If someone is an outstanding student graduated from a well-known university which has high reputation all over the world, such as Harvard University, if someone is super intelligent in a specific field, and if someone has a special life experience which makes him or her far more mature than the counterparts, surely they can achieve success easily without the help from their family. However, most of the ordinary people succeed under the assists from their family more or less. Therefore, whenever we live, it is difficult for us to achieve success without families’ help.

To begin with, with the improvement of the living standards, the number of families that could offer their children a better learning environment, such as sponsoring their children to study abroad, has been sky rocketing. Receiving a high education is always the first step to get success. A recent report suggests that an increasing number of young generation go abroad to have their further studies, and the age of those overseas students trends to be lower. They are, indeed, supported by their parents. However, those whose family cannot afford the elite education have to struggle many extra years. And seldom could they achieve success nowadays.

Furthermore, social network, the strong relationship built by our parents, plays an significant role in the modern life and becomes a valuable resources for us. Benefited from network, we can easily find the first internship, get a reference, and even deal with some troubles. For example, Bill Gates, a recognized successful man, did a his first business with IBM, which company his mother worked in. It is no doubt that this order from IBM has a great influence to the early Microsoft. It is no denying that the network of his mother helped him a lot. Thus, it may even easier for people to get success when the time they did not realize the importance of network.

Admittedly, some people may argue that no matter how times change, we can successful by the struggle of ourselves. But this opinion could still not hold water because those who can success always must have overcome more hardship than we can imagine. On the contrary, many other people can reach the same level easily by both their hard work and the strong support from their family.

To sum up, for the reasons I have given above, I insist my perspective that it is much harder to achieve success without help from family than what is like before.

作者: 最后一次杀T 时间: 2012-10-7 21:42
10.06交作业

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How to define happiness is prolonged a controversial issue. It is nature that people with different background might have diverse viewpoints in the same argument. In my view, true happiness is a sense of both self-worth and contributing to the society. Therefore, I strongly assert that job will have more influence on my happiness than the social life does.

To begin with, job, an essential part of our life, offers us not only the salary, but also an access to deeply recognize the world. Working with unique colleagues, we step forward to be a better ourselves so that we can feel a sense of self-worth. When I bought gifts for my parents with my first amount of salary, for instance, I felt happy to see how proud of me my parents were. And what is more, every time I use English, the skill learnt from university, as a tool to communicate with my colleagues from all over the world, I felt that all my struggling in my school time is worthwhile. It is no doubt that without the job, most of the people’ happiness will reduce or even lost.

Furthermore, given to the job, we can obtain a sense of contributing to our society. Apart from the tax, our works, to some extent, make the world difference. For example, as I am an auditor in a well-known CPA firm, my responsibility is to release the most impartial financial statement to all the report consumers. All the financial statements reported will be significant references for the investors. Thus, my sense of happiness derives intensely from my job.

Admittedly, some people may argue that they acquire more happiness when they have social activities with their friends. Because they feel tired working in the company, but feel relax when they meet their friends. However, this opinion could not hold water. Without the job, would they feel happiness when they have no money to pay the bills? Would they feel embarrassed when they have no topic to chat with each other? Would they feel happiness when they have no life target? Absolutely, all the answers are not.

To sum up, for the reasons given above, my perspective is always that our job will have more effect on our happiness than the social life does.

作者: vanessa923 时间: 2012-10-8 12:06
标题: 改1006独立！
黄亮精彩，蓝色建议。红色错误。

How to define happiness is prolonged a（a的位置） controversial issue. It is nature that people with different backgrounds might have diverse viewpoints in the same argument. In my view, true happiness is a sense of both self-worth and contributing to the society.（有点chinglish） Therefore, I strongly assert that job will have more influence on my happiness than the social life does.

To begin with, job, an essential part of our life, offers us not only the salary, but also an access to deeply recognize the world. Working with unique colleagues, we step forward to be a（单复数冲突） better ourselves so that we can feel a sense of self-worth. When I bought gifts for my parents with my first amount of salary, for instance, I felt happy to see how proud of me my parents were（歧义). And what is more, every time I use English, the skill learnt from university, as a tool to communicate with my colleagues from all over the world, I felt that all my struggling in my school time is worthwhile.(这个例子感觉和point联系不大） It is no doubt that without the job, most of the people’ happiness will reduce or even lost.

Furthermore, given to the job, we can obtain a sense of contributing to our society. Apart from the tax, our works, to some extent, make the world difference. For example, as I am an auditor in a well-known CPA firm, my responsibility is to release the most impartial financial statement to all the report consumers. All the financial statements reported will be significant references for the investors. Thus, my sense of happiness derives intensely from my job.

Admittedly, some people may argue that they acquire more happiness when they have social activities with their friends. Because they feel tired（of） working in the company, but feel relax when they meet their friends. However, this opinion could not hold water. Without the job, would they feel happiness when they have no money to pay the bills? Would（not） they feel embarrassed when they have no topic to chat with each other? Would they feel happiness when they have no life target? Absolutely, all the answers are not.

To sum up, for the reasons given above, my perspective is always that our job will have more effect on our happiness than the social life does.

文章结构很不错。可是有些句子表意不明，很让人困惑。建议多变换句型，表达清楚。加油。

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