ChaseDream

标题: Angelafeng的写作贴~~请多多指教！ [打印本页]
作者: angelafeng    时间: 2012-9-22 11:43
标题: Angelafeng的写作贴~~请多多指教！
今天9.22，Angela加入写作小分队。

之前考过托福，但是写作只有临考前看看机经然后练了几篇，没有系统滴好好练，然后就只能得个22分。
这次10月28日的考试，Angela要好好练写作了，写作应该是提分的而不是拉分的！！

请牛牛多多指教！！！
作者: angelafeng    时间: 2012-9-22 21:46
【9.22独立】it is more enjoyable to have a job, and you work only 3 days a week with long hours rather than work for 5 days with short hours a day



Nowadays, more and more people are concerning about their working hours. Some people think that work only 3 days a week with long hours will be more enjoyable to do the job than work for 5 days with short hours a day, but some other people hold the opposite view. Personal speaking, I would rather choose a job that work for 5 days with short hours a day.


First and foremost, work for long hours in one day is not good for our health. An increasing people under so much pressure at work, have been deeply depressed in recent years. Working people should take care of not only their physical health but also their mental health. If people work for long hours in one day, they will have not enough time to do some sports, even have no time to have a good meal. In today’s modern world, the disorder dietaryhabitsanddaily routines are the main cause of illness. Therefore, work for long hours in a day is not a good choice.


Furthermore, work efficiency will be low if people work for long hours. People do a work at one time for long hours might be focus on it, but if they do not spend some time to relax themselves, things would be worse. Low work efficiency means that people should spend more time even more days to finish their work. So, in order to improve their work efficiency people should not work for a long time.


Admittedly, by working fewer days, one is able to have more time to enjoy their life, like to have more time with their family or friends. People also can use this free time do the things that they like. Stay with family or friends can bring a lot of happiness, and also can exchange minds with them. We all know that family and friends give people vital emotional support.


From what has been discussed above, in order to have a more healthy life and more efficiency work style, I prefer to work for short hours in 5 days. Although this job cannot make me have more time with family and friends, I believe that if I have a more strong and healthy body, I can gain a much more happiness.
作者: loveluyuanbai    时间: 2012-9-23 13:10
第一次改你的，多多包涵！
作者: angelafeng    时间: 2012-9-23 14:12
第一次改你的，多多包涵！
-- by 会员 loveluyuanbai (2012/9/23 13:10:04)




谢谢love的修改

【修改后的】
Nowadays, more and more people are concerning about their working hours. Some people think that work only 3 days a week with long hours will be more enjoyablethan work for 5 days with short hours a day, but some other people hold the opposite view. As far as I concerned, people choose a job that work for 5 days with short hours a day will feel more enjoyable.
First and foremost, work for long hours in one day is not good for our health. An increasing people under so much pressure at work, have been deeply depressed in recent years. Working people should take care of not only their physical health but also their mental health. If people work for long hours in one day, they will not have enough time to do some sports, even have no time to have a good meal. In modern world, the disorder of dietary habits and daily routines are the main causes of illness. Therefore, work for long hours in a day is not a good choice.
Furthermore, work efficiency will be low if people work for long hours. People do a work for long hours might be focus on, but if they do not spend some time to relax, things would get worse. Low work efficiency means that people should spend more time to finish their work. So, in order to improve their work efficiency people should not work for a long time.
Admittedly, by working fewer days, one person is able to have more time to enjoy his or her life, like to have more time with their family or friends. People also can use this free time do the things that they like. Stay with family or friends can bring a lot of happiness, and also can exchange minds with them. We all know that family and friends give people vital emotional support.
From what has been discussed above, in order to have a more healthy life and more efficiency work style, I prefer to work for short hours in 5 days. Although this job cannot make me have more time with family and friends, I believe that if I have a more strong and healthy body, I can gain a much more happiness.

已经把老美185找出来了，以后要多看看，来解决语言不地道的缺陷。再次感谢love的修改，我会好好努力滴~~
作者: angelafeng    时间: 2012-9-23 22:58
【9.23独立】Competition with friends may have negative effect on friendship.



Nowadays, competition goes increasingly fierce in all walks of life. Competition between friends also is a common thing. Some people point out that competition will harm friendship. However as far as I concerned, healthy competition can give you and your friendship a chance to meet a better future.


First and foremost, healthy competition will not have a harmful effect on your friendship. But what is the so-called healthy competition?When you study with your friend, you find that your friend is good at resolve math problem. Through this, you want to improve your math and even to study math better than your friend. This kind of competition is healthy competition. That is because this kind of competition can make you find your shortcomings and motivate you to work harder.


Furthermore, there is nothing wrong with competition between friends. When we play basketball or football, we should compete with our friends in order to win the game. Although during the game the competition goes especially fierce, friendship will not be hurt instead of be deeper than before. In a basketball or football game, all friends could enjoy the process of competition, win or lose is just a way to make you and your friends have good mood.


However, if unhealthy competition happened between you and your friend, things would get worse. Unhealthy competition can seriously damage your friendship. For example, if you and your friend are both like one thing and only one person can own it, competition may happen between you two. Then negative emotions such as jealous, angry will mix into your relationship. Thus, if you want have a perfect friendship be away from the unhealthy competition.


Overall, competition will always exist in friendship. Make competition positive can make your friendship go a long way, but if you cannot make it positive, the negative effect will far outweigh the positive.
作者: xeyyxzty    时间: 2012-9-24 21:18
Nowadays, competitions goes increasingly fiercein all walks of life（才疏学浅哈~什么意思）.Competitions between friends also is(are) alsoa common thing. Some people point out that competitions willharm friendship. However as far as I concerned, healthy competition can give you and your friendship（貌似不并列呀~） a chance to meet a better future.有个问题哈~两个观点并不是指一样的竞争吧，第一个是竞争，第二个就是良性竞争了，这不是把范围修改了吗~个人意见
看过你劝篇文章后感觉，既然要把竞争分成两类，就在第一段提一下吧~把另一类也说一下比较好（个人意见哈，我连T都没有考过呢）

First and foremost, healthy competitions will nothave a harmful effect on your friendship. But what is the so-called healthycompetition?When you study with your friend, you find that your friend is good at resolve(resolving) math problems. Through this, you want toimprove your math and even to study math better than your friend（和前面的都可以用代词替换的）. Thiskind of competition is healthy competitions. That isbecause this kind of competition(用代词吧亲) can makeyou find your shortcomings and motivate you to work harder.


Furthermore, there is nothing wrong with competitions betweenfriends. When we play basketball or football, we should compete with ourfriends in order to win the game. Although during the game the competition goesespecially fierce, friendship will not be hurt instead of be deeperthan before(instead, it will be deeper than before~个人更倾向于这样). In abasketball or football game, all friends could enjoy the process ofcompetition, win or lose(the result) is just away to make you and your friends have a good mood.


However, if unhealthy competitions happened(感觉occurred比较好) betweenyou and your friend, things would get worse(能告诉我比较级从何而来吗？).Unhealthy competition can seriously damage your friendship. For example, if youand your friend are both like one thing and only oneperson can own it, competition may happen between youtwo. Then negative emotions such as jealous, angry will mix intoyour relationship. Thus, if you want have a perfect friendship be away from theunhealthy competitions.


Overall, competitions willalways exist in friendship. Make(making) competitions positivecan make your friendship go a long way, but if you cannot make it(them) positive,the negative effect will far outweigh the positive one.


那个~名词单数貌似不可以单独出现哦~一定要注意
作者: angelafeng    时间: 2012-9-24 22:27
感谢xeyy的修改。
我估计是受了GMAT语法的影响，老觉得代词会引起歧义，这个弯需要转过来。嗯嗯
Angela的写作还需努力努力再努力！！！

Nowadays,competitiongoes increasingly fierce in all walks of life. Competitionbetween friends is also a common thing. Some people point out that competition will harm friendship; others think that competition will not affect the true friendship. As far as I concerned, however, healthy competition can give you and your friends a chance to meet a better future.


First and foremost, healthy competition will not have a harmful effect on your friendship. But what is the so-called healthy competition? When you study with your friend, you find that he is good at resolving math problems. Through this, you want to improve your math and even to study math better than him. This kind of competition is healthy competitions. That is because it can make you find your shortcomings and motivate you to work harder.

Furthermore, there is nothing wrong with competitions between friends. When we play basketball or football, we should compete with our friends in order to win the game. Although during the game the competition goes especially fierce, friendship will not be hurt instead, it will be deeper than before. In a basketball or football game, all friends could enjoy the process of competition. The result of the game is just a way to make you have a good mood.

However, if unhealthy competitions occurred between you and your friend, things would get worse than before. Unhealthy competition can seriously damage your friendship. For example, if you and your friend both like one thing and only one person can own it, competition may happen. Then negative emotions such as jealous, angry will mix into your relationship. Thus, if you want have a perfect friendship be away from the unhealthy competitions.

Overall, competitions will always exist in friendship. Making competitions positive can make your friendship go a long way, but if you cannot make them positive, the negative effect will far outweigh the positive one.


作者: angelafeng    时间: 2012-9-24 22:51
【9.24独立】which do you choose to improve your health：kind of food you eat，amount of exercise，amount of stress

With the improvement of the life quality, more and more people are concerned about the health problem. People do many things to remain their health. Some go for a healthy diet, other recommend exercise, and the rest think that reduce stress is important. But in my view, keep exercise in our daily life can make us healthier.

Exercise is very important for one to improve health. Nowadays people often make a lot of excuses for not do exercise. Some have time problem, some have physical problem, some have space problem. But take a few minutes every day to do some exercise can make lots of differences. For example, after work you can walk to home instead driving your car. Walking is the easiest exercise. In recent years, walking becomes a popular sport, especially in big cities. Walking not only can improve health, but also can relieve the traffic congestion. Spend a few minute on exercising will make lots of differences.

Furthermore, exercise can help people lose weight. Nowadays, an increasing number of modern people are facing a big problem of obesity. This is due to their unhealthy diet. Most young people like to eat in fast food restaurants. But if people do some exercise every day, overweight will not be a serious problem. In summer holidays, I eat so much ice-creams and fried foods. I am afraid that I will become very fat at the end of this summer holidays. So every evening I do Yoga. Yoga can help me keep in shape and also can relax out of this stress full life.

Do exercise is the most economical and practical way to keep healthy. Some people may buy several health products to remain healthy. If we can save this amount of money, however, we can buy a lot of other more voluble things. Do some exercises every day has the same effect on health as eat health products.

In general do exercise has a lot of advantages in keeping our healthy. But we should note that exercise is not a one day program, do exercises every day make us a better life.
作者: chasedreamabc    时间: 2012-9-24 22:55
打眼一看 LZ的字数偏少，一般都是在380+字，在details方面相对单薄，例子= = 米有。。。
还有要注意小点的语法错误，单复数，主谓一致
作者: angelafeng    时间: 2012-9-24 22:58
打眼一看 LZ的字数偏少，一般都是在380+字，在details方面相对单薄，例子= = 米有。。。
还有要注意小点的语法错误，单复数，主谓一致
-- by 会员 chasedreamabc (2012/9/24 22:55:08)




这也正是我所犯愁的啊，栗子啊栗子啊，哎，积累的少了。。。
LS可不可以传授一下举例子的技巧啊，我这块真的很欠缺
作者: xiumu2280    时间: 2012-9-25 13:17
With the improvement of the life quality, more and more people are concerned about the health problem. People do many things/make efforts to remain their health. Some go for a healthy diet, other recommend exercise, and the rest think that reduce/reducing stress is important. But in my view, keep exercise in our daily life can make us healthier.


Exercise is very important for one to improve health. Nowadays people often make a lot of excuses for not do exercise/exercise(这样就可以了吧,not 感觉没必要）. Some have time problem, some have physical problem, some have space problem. But take a few minutes every day to do some exercise can make lots of differences. For example, after work you can walk to home instead driving your car. Walking is the easiest exercise. In recent years, walking becomes a popular sport, especially in big cities. Walking not only can improve health, but also can relieve the traffic congestion. Spend/spending a few minute/minutes on exercising will make/makes lots of differences.

Furthermore, exercise can help people lose weight. Nowadays, an increasing number of modern people are facing a big problem of obesity. This is due to their unhealthy diet. Most young people like to eat in fast food restaurants. But if people do some exercise every day, overweight will not be a serious problem. (应该用过去式吧）In summer holidays, I eat so much ice-creams and fried foods. I am afraid that I will become very fat at the end of this summer holidays. So every evening I do Yoga. Yoga can help me keep in shape and also can relax out of this stress full life.(这段没什么错误，但是全是简单句，看看有没有可以连在一起的）

Do/doing exercise is the most economical and practical way to keep healthy. Some people may buy several health products to remain healthy. If we can save this amount of money, however, we can buy a lot of other more voluble/valuable things. Do some exercises every day has the same effect on health as eat health products.

In general do exercise has a lot of advantages in keeping our health. But we should note that exercise is not a one day program, do exercises/当运动讲时是不可数~我当时也忽略这个了 every day make us a better life.

感觉事例扩展不够啊，举个例子什么的
句式变化要多  简单句太普遍了
我水平也很凹 好多不知道改的对不对
作者: angelafeng    时间: 2012-9-25 14:26
With the improvement of the life quality, more and more people are concerned about the health problem. People do many things/make effortsto remain their health. Some go for a healthy diet, other recommend exercise, and the rest think that reduce/reducing stress is important. But in my view, keep exercise in our daily life can make us healthier.


Exercise is very important for one to improve health. Nowadays people often make a lot of excuses for not doexercise/exercise(这样就可以了吧,not 感觉没必要）. Some have time problem, some have physical problem, some have space problem. But take a few minutes every day to do some exercise can make lots of differences. For example, after work you can walk to home instead driving your car. Walking is the easiest exercise. In recent years, walking becomes a popular sport, especially in big cities. Walking not only can improve health, but also can relieve the traffic congestion. Spend/spending a few minute/minutes on exercising will make/makes lots of differences.

Furthermore, exercise can help people lose weight. Nowadays, an increasing number of modern people are facing a big problem of obesity. This is due to their unhealthy diet. Most young people like to eat in fast food restaurants. But if people do some exercise every day, overweight will not be a serious problem. (应该用过去式吧）In summer holidays, I eat so much ice-creams and fried foods. I am afraid that I will become very fat at the end of this summer holidays.So every evening I do Yoga. Yoga can help me keep in shape and also can relax out of this stress full life.(这段没什么错误，但是全是简单句，看看有没有可以连在一起的）

Do/doing exercise is the most economical and practical way to keep healthy. Some people may buy several health products to remain healthy. If we can save this amount of money, however, we can buy a lot of other more voluble/valuable things. Do some exercises every day has the same effect on health as eat health products.

In general do exercise has a lot of advantages in keeping our health. But we should note that exercise is not a one day program, do exercises/当运动讲时是不可数~我当时也忽略这个了 every day make us a better life.

感觉事例扩展不够啊，举个例子什么的
句式变化要多  简单句太普遍了
我水平也很凹 好多不知道改的对不对
-- by 会员 xiumu2280 (2012/9/25 13:17:50)



O(∩_∩)O谢谢修改，还是例子的问题啊。。。
继续改进
作者: angelafeng    时间: 2012-9-26 18:15
O(∩_∩)O哈哈~今天的字数有440~~我终于过4啦~~
【9.25独立】People who cannot accept the criticism from others will not be successful at working in a group.

When it comes to be successful at working in a group, people think that accept the criticism from other is necessary. Other argues that opposite is true. There is probably some truth to both argument, but as far as I am concerned, accept the criticism from others is important not only in teamwork, but also in our whole life.

Nowadays, as the development of the society and industry, an increasing number of jobs require that people should work well in a group. In a company, communication and teamwork is more and more important among workers because a worker cannot do his/her work properly without interacting with his supervisor and colleagues. It is necessary for a person who wants to be successful in his or her life to work well in a team. How to be successful at working in a group? Working in a group, correct and high quality of the work, group utility and personal growth, all of these are needed the ability to accept the criticism from others.

Accept other persons’ criticism can help people improve themselves. Work well in a group, we have to talk with other group members, through these conversations we can not only share our viewpoints of work problems but also learn the merits from each other to make up our drawbacks. It is little doubt that improvements of our own self can get the whole group to grow. Take a computer system for example, it comprises of hardware, operating system and software, which are manufactured separately by different companies. Not one single company can accomplish a computer system without using products and technologies from other companies.


Accept the criticism from others is helpful in correcting the defects in the work. We cannot guarantee that everything in our work is perfect, but we can make efforts to better these weaknesses. Learn from others is a good way to gain a best result. Besides, accept criticism bravely can make the working atmosphere better because other members in the group will be more willing to respond your questions and problems. For example, I have a very good personal relationship in my class. The large part of reason, I think, is that I am willing to accept all the reasonable criticism from my classmates.


In conclusion, I think the most important quality in a work environment is the ability to work with others in a team. And bravely accept the bad word from your work members is key factor to success in a working group. Discard all conceit, and always be prepared tolearnhumbly from thepeoplearoundyou — you will be the one to benefit!



作者: chunte20    时间: 2012-9-27 12:24
When it comes to be successful at working in a group,people think that accept the criticism from others isnecessary. Others argues that opposite is true. There is probably some truth to bothargument, but as far as I am concerned, accept the criticism from others isimportant not only in teamwork, (好像不用逗號)but alsoin our whole life.

Nowadays, as the development of thesociety and industry, anincreasing number of jobs require that people should work well in a group. In acompany, communication and teamwork is are more and more important among workers because a workercannot do his/her work properly without interacting with his supervisor andcolleagues. It is necessaryfor a person who wants to be successful in his or her life to work well in ateam. How to be successful at working in a group? Working in a group, correctand high quality of the work, grouputility(這意思是?) andpersonal growth, all of these are needed the ability to accept the criticismfrom others.

Accept other persons’ criticism can help people improvethemselves. Work well in a group, we have to talk with other group members,through these conversations we can not only share our viewpoints of workproblems but also learn the merits from each other to make up our drawbacks. It is little doubt that improvementsof our own self can get the whole group to grow. Take a computer system forexample, it comprises of hardware, operating system and software, which aremanufactured separately by different companies. Not one single company canaccomplish a computer system without using products and technologies from othercompanies.(例子似乎連接不上，前面是說每個人要提升，後面例子說的是要合作。)


Accept the criticism from others is helpful in correctingthe defects in the work. We cannot guarantee that everything in our work isperfect, but we can make efforts to better these weaknesses. Learn from othersis a good way to gain a best(thebest 是不是固定用法?) result.Besides, accept criticism bravely can make the working atmosphere betterbecause other members in the group will be more willing to respond yourquestions and problems. Forexample, I have a very good personal relationship in my class. The large partof reason, I think, is that I am willing to accept all the reasonable criticismfrom my classmates. (似乎又覺得例子與主題句有點脫節，主題句說找到缺點和改善工作氛圍，例子說的可以有好的關係。)


In conclusion, I think that the mostimportant quality in a work environment is the ability to work with others in ateam. And bravely accepting the bad word from your work members is key factor tosuccess in a working group. If you discard all conceit, and always be prepared to learn humblyfrom the people around you — you will be the one to benefit!
1.可能要查一下other ,the other ,others的相關用法

2.覺得例子與主題句有點沒搭上。(我自己也有這問題，不太確定是不是我理解錯誤，哈哈)
3.我程度也不太好，無法像某些大牛們，直接改寫或是給更好的寫法建議，請見諒。

我自己程度也不太好
若有錯改的地方，請告訴我
讓我也進步，一起學習
感謝
作者: angelafeng    时间: 2012-9-27 12:54
首先，谢谢chunte的修改~~~

先说一下other，the other， others 的用法：
1.other可作形容词或代词，做形容词时意思是“别的，其他”，泛指其他的（人或物）”
2.the other指两个人或物中的一个时，只能用the other，不能用another，此时的other作代词
3.others是other的复数形式，泛指“另外几个”，“其余的”。在句中可作主语、宾语。
所以我文中的others和other好像没有用错啊，呵呵

然后我做了修改

When it comes to be successful at working in a group, people think that accept the criticism from others is necessary. Other people argue that opposite is true. There is probably some truth to both argument, but as far as I am concerned, accept the criticism from others is important not only in teamwork but also in our whole life.

Nowadays, as the development of the society and industry, an increasing number of jobs require that people should work well in a group. In a company, communication and teamwork are more and more important among workers because a worker cannot do his/her work properly without interacting with his supervisor and colleagues. It is necessary for a person who wants to be successful in his or her life to work well in a team. How to be successful at working in a group? Working in a group, correct and high quality of the work, group unity and personal growth, all of these are needed the ability to accept the criticism from others.

Accept other persons’ criticism can help people improve themselves. Work well in a group, we have to talk with other group members, through these conversations we can not only share our viewpoints of work problems but also learn the merits from each other to make up our drawbacks. It is little doubt that improvements of our own self can get the whole group to grow. Take a computer system for example, it comprises of hardware, operating system and software, which are manufactured separately by different companies. Not one single company can accomplish a computer system without using products and technologies from other companies. If one part of this computer system can upgrade its quality then the whole system may have a big improvement.

Accept the criticism from others is helpful in correcting the defects in the work. We cannot guarantee that everything in our work is perfect, but we can make efforts to better these weaknesses. Learn from others is a good way to gain a best result. Besides, accept criticism bravely can make the working atmosphere better because other members in the group will be more willing to respond your questions and problems. For example, I have a very good personal relationship in my class. The large part of reason, I think, is that I am willing to accept all the reasonable criticism from my classmates.


In conclusion, I think that the most important quality in a work environment is the ability to work with others in a team. And bravely accept the bad word from your work members is key factor to success in a working group. If you discard all conceit, and always be prepared to learn humbly from the people around you — you will be the one to benefit!
作者: angelafeng    时间: 2012-9-27 18:46
今天进步到510啦，尊高兴~~

9.26
Some jobs can pay high salaries but require employees to leave their family and friends. Some jobs pay few salaries but allow staying with family and friend. Which do you like
There is a general debate nowadays about the problem of chose a job. Some people may choose a job that has high salaries but require employees to leave their family and friends. Other people may choose the opposite choice that a job has fewer salaries but allow staying with family and friend. As far as I am concerned, however, I would rather choose a job that can give me high salary, even if I would leave my family and my friends. I would like to further illustrate my reasons as follows:



First and foremost reason is that high salary job can offer me a better life. Now I am a poor student. I need to pay for my tuition which is very high. I also have to pay for the rental of the rooms, the transportation fees, the books, the clothes and even the meals. All these seem to be a heavy burden to me. And I really want to make efforts to give my family a high quality life. I always have a dream is to buy a huge house with garden and swimming pool and to buy an expensive car. Being a highly motivated person, I have confidence in my ability to make my dream come true. So, I have to look for a job that can offer me a high salary.



Furthermore, my family and friend hope me have a bright future. As long as I can realize the value of life, they do not mind my work location will far away from them. As the development of transportation and information science technology, the distance between people is greatly less than before. We can use e-mail, the innovative way of writing letters because of the Internet, to send letters to our friends and family for communicating our feelings with each other and showing the support, understanding and love. So much miss with each other that we want to have a good time with my relatives or my friends. Aircraft can take us go back to our hometown to get together with them. Therefore, distance is not a problem.



What is more, high salary jobs usually accompany with higher work pressure and more challenged work difficulties than those of lower salary jobs. But, it is no doubt that this kind of jobs can offer me great opportunities to learn much more professional knowledge and valuable work experience. For example, government officers have jobs that they can easy handle, whereas IT specialists always have so much tough works to do every day. As you know, IT specialists get salaries highly higher than those of government officers. The one significant factor is that IT specialists should under much more stress than government officers. As the saying goes, “no pain, no gain”.



In conclusion, choose a job that has a high salary can give people not only a high quality life but also the chance to embrace the bright future. Only if you really care about your family and friends, they will always support you to complete your value of life.

作者: bonnenuit    时间: 2012-9-27 19:45
There is a general debate nowadays about the problem of chose（choosing) a job. Some people may choose a job that has high salaries but requires employees to leave their family and friends. Other people may choose the opposite choice that a job has fewer salaries but allows staying with family and friend. As far as I am concerned, however, I would rather choose a job that can give me high salary, even if I would leave my family and my friends. I would like to further illustrate my reasons as follows:




First and foremost reason is that high salary job can offer me a better life. Now I am a poor student. I need to pay for my tuition which is very high. I also have to pay for the rental of the rooms, the transportation fees, the books, the clothes and even the meals. All these seem to be a heavy burden to me. And I really want to make efforts to give my family a (a去掉，life 指生活的话是不可数）high quality life. I always have a dream is（is前面加that,或者去掉is） to buy a huge house with garden and swimming pool and to buy an expensive car. Being（being 换as更好） a highly motivated person, I have confidence in my ability to make my dream come true. So, I have to look for a job that can offer me a high salary.



Furthermore, my family and friend hope me have a bright future. As long as I can realize the value of life, they do not mind （that)my work location will (be)far away from them. As the development of transportation and information science technology, the distance between people is greatly less than before. We can use e-mail, the innovative way of writing because of the Internet, to send letters to our friends and family for communicating our feelings with each other and showing the support, understanding and love. So much miss (从从未见过miss表示思念的时候是可以作名词的，真是长见识了！）with each other that we want to have a good time with my relatives or my friends. Aircraft can take us go back to our hometown to get together with them. Therefore, distance is not a problem.



What is more, high salary jobs usually accompanys with higher(压力大不能用high，要有great） work pressure and more challenged（challenging） work（work就不要了吧，前面那个也是） difficulties than those of lower salary jobs. But, it is no doubt（有it is no doubt的吗！！！是there is no doubt!!!!) that this kind of jobs can offer me great opportunities to learn much more professional knowledge and valuable work(这个也撤了吧） experience. For example, government officers have jobs that they can easy（easily） handle, whereas IT specialists always have so much tough works to do every day. As you know（（as you know还是as we all know), IT specialists get salaries highly higher than those of government officers. The one significant factor is that IT specialists should under much more stress than government officers(do). As the saying goes, “no pain, no gain”.



In conclusion, choose a job that has a high salary can give people not only a high quality life but also the chance to embrace the bright future. Only if you really care about your family and friends, they will always support you to complete your value of life.


不想打击LZ
LZ即使字数写了1000 这样的作文也上不了20分
语法错误太多 句式太简单 太口语化
还有很多方面有待提高啊！！加油！！多背单词  词组 多看看语法是你目前要做的！！！
作者: angelafeng    时间: 2012-9-27 21:48
额。。。。。不过还是谢谢你的批改，继续努力

有几个地方要说明一下：
1）Being（LS认为用as比being更好，但我认为as这种说法太普遍反而不好，而且我这个句子是学习的新东方的例句） a highly motivated person, I have confidence in my ability to make my dream come true.

2）What is more, high salary jobs usually accompanys（这里主语是jobs，LS你认为应该用单数动词accompanys 吗）with higher(LS还认为压力大应该用great而不是high，我专门查过字典压力大确实应该用high） work pressure and more challenging difficulties than those of lower salary jobs.

例如：
Youhearmoreaboutpeopletakingearlyretirement or giving uphigh pressurejobs in favour ofoccupations with shorterworking hours.

你比过去更常听到人们谈论早早退休，谈论放弃压力大的工作去从事工作时间短的工作。
3）But, it is no doubt（LS还认为没有it is no doubt的用法，你没见过的不意味着就没有，字典里也确实有这个用法) that this kind of jobs can offer me great opportunities to learn much more professional knowledge and valuable experience.

例如："It is no doubtthatDaw Aung San Suu Kyi has committed a cover up of thetruth in her failure toreportanillegalimmigranttothe authorities concerned," said Aye Myint
他说：“毫无疑问，昂山素季女士没有向有关当局报告一名非法移民的情况，试图掩盖事实真相。


这几个地方LS搞错了，其他LS指出的的一些错误我都接受。
作者: angelafeng    时间: 2012-9-29 15:44
今天写每个句子都有推敲，力求摒弃掉口语式的英语，但是真的花了好长时间。。。

9.28
Do you agree with the viewpoint that people are now easier to become educated than in the past?



Education is one of the key words of our time. With the increasing awareness of the importance of education as well as the growing amount of educational resources, I maintain that people are now easier to become education than in the past.I would like to further illustrate my reasons as follows:



First and foremost, as society developed, education becomes a vital factor for countries who want to promote their international competitiveness. An increasing number of countries are willing to give money to develop their educational institutes. In the past, not all students were able to become educated, but nowadays government fund universities and colleges to make sure almost every student can afford the tuition and get education. Universities also offer teachers excellent conditions to attract more and more intellectuals engaging in educational fields. High quality facilities have been equipped by universities in order to encourage students to improve their practical ability in all kinds of scientific researches. Consequently, in modern society, education has become easier accessible.



Furthermore, with the development of technology, one of the most important inventions--Internet has greatly changed our life, especially the education. Various open courses and learning materials available on the Internet that people obtain knowledge easier than before. As a university student, I can benefit a lot form the online education. For instance, when I prepared for the new TOEFL, I took an online course on the website of New Oriental, a famous educational institution in China. Taking this course, I need not to go to the institution but rather watch the radio of the course online whenever and wherever I want. Therefore, in my opinion, people have more opportunities to be educated today than in the past.



What is more, nowadays the awareness of education has also been dramatically increased on account of a good education background is beneficial to all of us. A man without an education, many of us believe, is an unfortunate victim of adverse circumstances, deprived of one of the greatest twentieth-century opportunities. Under a heavy influence of the global economic crisis, unemployment rate has been significantly increased. Most people may notice that it is very hard to find a good job. But, a person with a master degree or doctoral degree may have much more opportunities than that person with bachelor’s degree to get an ideal job. So, the fierce competition in today’s world serves as a motivation to encourage people to receive better education.



Of course, I do not deny that people in the past focused more on study than us because they barely have things distract their attention, such as playing computer games or chatting online. However, most of students who want to get better grades can restrain themselves. So, in summary, with the development of society and technology as well as increasing awareness of education, people surely get education easier than people in the past.


作者: Iszy    时间: 2012-9-29 20:41
标题: 嘿嘿，中秋快乐了~~~改作文啦~~期待一同进步~~~
9.28
Do you agree with the viewpoint that people are now easier to become educated than in the past?






Education is one of the key words of our time.（这个不妥，如果翻译过来就是“教育是我们时间的关键词之一”,"our time"一般不表示“我们的时代”的意思，考虑：Education is one of cruicial compositions of the society） With the increasing awareness of the importance of education as well as the growing amount of educational resources, I maintain that people are now easier to become education （educated） than in the past.I would like to further illustrate my reasons as follows:











First and foremost, as society developed（这里无论是表被动或是过去时，都不太合适，“社会一直在发展”：as the society has been developing) , education becomes a vital factor for countries (become的时态不对，可改为：has already become) who want to promote their international competitiveness. An increasing number of countries are willing to give money to develop their educational institutes. In the past, not all students were able to become educated, but nowadays government fund universities and colleges to make sure almost every student can afford the tuition and get education. Universities also offer teachers excellentconditions to attract more and more intellectuals engaging in educational fields. High quality facilities have been equipped by universities in order to encourage students to improve their practical ability in all kinds of scientific researches. Consequently, in modern society, education has become easier accessible.











Furthermore, with the development of technology, one of the most important inventions--Internet has greatly changed our life, especially the education. Various open courses and learning materials available on the Internet that people obtain knowledge easier than before. As a university student, I can benefit a lot form the online education. For instance, when I prepared for the new TOEFL, I took an online course on the website of New Oriental, a famous educational institution in China. Taking this course, I need not to go to the institution but rather watch the radio （video?) of the course online whenever and wherever I want. Therefore, in my opinion, people have more opportunities to be educated today than in the past.











What is more, nowadays the awareness of education has also been dramatically increased on account of a good education background is beneficial to all of us ("on account of "后不接句子，只接名词或名词性短语；可改为：on account  of a good education background which is beneficial to all of us) . A man without an education, many of us believe( widely considered), is an unfortunate victim of adverse circumstances(这句好像不太合适，没有接受教育有很多因素，不一定是不利环境的受害者）, deprived of one of the greatest twentieth-century opportunities（觉得有点怪怪滴~）. Under a heavy influence of the global economic crisis, unemployment rate has been significantly increased. Most people may notice that it is very hard to find a good job. But, a person with a master degree or doctoral degree may have much more opportunities than that person with bachelor’s degree to get an ideal job. So, the fierce competition in today’s world serves as a motivation to encourage people to receive better education.











Of course,（Admittedly, of course 貌似没有让步的意思) I do not deny that people in the past focused more on study than us because they barely have(拥有） things distract （to distract) their attention, such as playing computer games or chatting online. However, most of students who want to get better grades can restrain themselves （这句似乎没有很支撑你想要表达的意思）. So, in summary, with the development of society and technology as well as increasing awareness of education, people surely get education easier than people （who，不然就重复了） in the past.

总结：
1、整体读完后，对分论点的印象有，但有点模糊，可能2点原因
（1）段首句问题。尤其是第一个分论点，貌似真正的分论点句在第二句，这会影响考官对关键信息的获取。
      最好，能在段首句的前半部分出中心。
（2）例子有点散，感觉每部分都举了几个例子，但没有特别具体的。

2、让步段的反驳可以更好

3、有一些小地方表述时可以更好

4、结构还是不错的，看得出来，楼主很勤奋，写作水平一直在提高中~~~~一起加油吧！



作者: angelafeng    时间: 2012-9-29 21:04
谢谢iszy的批改
很受用
继续努力
作者: angelafeng    时间: 2012-9-30 22:13
9.29
Do you agree with: the friends that you can have fun with is more important than the friends that you can get help from?



It is often said that a friend in need is a friend in deed. When it comes to the topic that whether we should choose people who we can have fun with as our friends or those who can help us when we need them as friends, there will be a lot of discussions. As far as I am concerned, I will make friends with people who can help me, and further illustrate my reasons as follows:



First and foremost, more often than not, those people who can help us when we in difficulties are our real friends. In my point of view, there are a lot of people we can have fun with, but just a few that we can share sorrow with, and I regard these people as my best friends. Taking me for example, when I first prepared for GMAT, the task became so hard for me that I cannot understand the logical chain and even the long sentences. I was rather upset and almost lost heart. My friend Li Yang saw me one day and she inspired me by saying that if I could not overcome this task, how could I survive in the States and make my dream come true. And she suggested that I should make a well-organized plan to divide my goal into several litter parts, which are attractive and attainable. And just like that, I gradually had a faith in conquering this. Since Li Yang helped me surmount the GMAT, we have become best friends. So I think real friend can come to give you a hand when you are in trouble rather than just stand aside.



Furthermore, when we have trouble and need help, a hand from the friend will definitely makes situation better. For example, Yu Minghong, the CEO of New Oriental, and Niu Gensheng, the CEO of Mengniu Dairy, are friends since they were very young. However, Yu set up his company and became successful earlier. When Niu wanted to establish a dairy company Mengniu, Yu actually helped him a lot by providing financial support and giving many constructive suggestions. After some years, Mengniu became the biggest dairy company in China. Every time when Niu talks about Yu, he always says “How lucky I am to have such a friend." From this case, we can see how important friends' help is.



In conclusion, friends are the most valuable treasure in our lives. So it is important for everyone to choose right friends. And based on the reasons above, the real friends are those who can facilities us in proper ways, but not just entertain us.
作者: angelafeng    时间: 2012-10-4 13:46
10.2
求批改！【10.2独立】
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement. Movies and television have more negative effects than positive effects on the way young people behave.





In modern society, movies and televisions are indispensable parts of daily life. Some people may claim that movies and televisions have more positive effect than negative effect on the way young people behave. Some other people hold the opposite view about that. However in my opinion, to some extends, the advantages of the effect of movies and televisions for behaviors of youngsters out weight the disadvantages.



First and foremost, as the development of society, there are more and more educational programs appearing on our televisions. For example, in my country, there is a television program called Celebrity, which introduces some great celebrities in the history of China and record their legends by watching several old pictures and documents. By learning a lot of good virtues from the ancient celebrities and understanding the valuable traditional culture, our young adults can gain much more knowledge from this program which became increasing prevalent nowadays than that in the textbooks. So from the example above we can easily reason that educational programs in the televisions have some benefits in young people.



Furthermore, with the rapidly development of technology, movies and televisions can broaden our horizon to comprehensive the different culture and events about other countries. Enjoying all kinds of foreign television programs or some foreign movies, youngsters are able to come to visit various places in the world through the movies and the televisions which would help them use diverse angles to see the world and then affect their mind and behaviors. Take me for instance, apart from doing exercise in the outdoor, when I have free time, no matter go to cinemas or just at home, I like watching movies, especially foreign movies. To watch foreign story films such as ForrestGump, The Sound Of Music and Once Upon a Time in America, I could know about the local customs and culture and even some life philosophy. To enjoy such foreign science fiction films as Star Wars, Transformers and Spider-Man, I came to visit a fantastic world and learn a few of knowledge which cannot appear on textbooks.



Admittedly, certain movies and televisions have negative effect on behaviors of young people. Many violent contents, which would harm the mind and behavior of youngsters, may arise in films and television programs. Besides, an increasing number of entertainment programs appear in our sight that would make the youngsters imitate the popular stars and impact the normal study life. If our government and institutes could not supervise the entire movie and television industry well, these movies and televisions would have adverse impact on young people. In consideration of the most movies and television programs have little negative effect, so why not watch as many good films and televisions as we are young?



From what have been discussed above, we can safely draw the conclusion that the positive effect of movies and televisions outstrip the negative effect of that.

作者: enough622    时间: 2012-10-24 17:29
都说好作文要字数多，可是我觉得这是相对的？别一味的追求字数多吧。。。。我看范文里面310个字，照样有5分的啊。。。。。



欢迎光临 ChaseDream (https://forum.chasedream.com/) Powered by Discuz! X3.3