ChaseDream
标题: 坚持好好练习写作，热烈欢迎各位拍砖~ [打印本页]
作者: Yeeisstrong 时间: 2012-9-1 09:26
标题: 坚持好好练习写作，热烈欢迎各位拍砖~
一定要好好写
作者: chasedreamabc 时间: 2012-9-1 09:46
欢迎加入写作小分队
http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-741014-1-1.html
作者: Yeeisstrong 时间: 2012-9-2 19:30
9月2日
it is better to relax by a movie or reading a book than doing physical exercise. Do you agree?
Nowadays, all kinds of people have different press, for instance, children always complain they have too much homework, students maybe bore their bad friendship with their friends, adults feel they have so weight press from their children, parents and wife, old people often become sick so that they have to suffer terrible treat. So, press is coming, those people who must relax themselves, thus some people believe it is better relax by a movie or reading a book than doing physical. However, physical exercise are the same important to us.
Movie plays a very important role in my life. I remember that some time I was terrible so that I do not want to learn GMAT, I lost myself and think it is so difficult to me, there are so many wrong answers, I almost give up until watch a movie, Forest Gump, it tells me that life was like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to eat, you must persist to do it and like Forest Gump, finally your dream is come true. The movie help me through the bad time and relax my mind, I can learn GMAT better.
But I try to exercise every day. I make it a point to take a long brisk along walk every day. Exercising regularly not only helps me to keep my weight in check but also help me get over stress. It has been proved that walking can help you relax. In fact , a walk in a park away from polluted areas is good for our lungs. After you finish your physical exercise, you feel you are relax and have a good mood. How a nice day!
It is the same important to us doing physical exercise, reading and watch a movie. If you do all, you have not only a perfect mind but also a healthy body. No matter how difficult, there is no denying that problems will be solved, you will be a strong and success person.
作者: fuzhengrui 时间: 2012-9-2 20:12
标题: 改过的文件见附件
[attach]105657[/attach]
9月2日
it is better to relax by a movie or reading a book than doing physical exercise. Do you agree?
Nowadays, all kinds of people have different press, for instance, children always complain they have too much homework, students maybe bore their bad friendship with their friends, adults feel they have so weight press from their children, parents and wife, old people often become sick so that they have to suffer terrible treat. So, press is coming, those people who must relax themselves, thus some people believe it is better relax by a movie or reading a book than doing physical. However, physical exercise are the same important to us.
Movie plays a very important role in my life. I remember that some time I was terrible so that I do not want to learn GMAT, I lost myself and think it is so difficult to me, there are so many wrong answers, I almost give up until watch a movie, Forest Gump, it tells me that life was like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to eat, you must persist to do it and like Forest Gump, finally your dream is come true. The movie help me through the bad time and relax my mind, I can learn GMAT better.
But I try to exercise every day. I make it a point to take a long brisk along walk every day. Exercising regularly not only helps me to keep my weight in check but also help me get over stress. It has been proved that walking can help you relax. In fact , a walk in a park away from polluted areas is good for our lungs. After you finish your physical exercise, you feel you are relax and have a good mood. How a nice day!
It is the same important to us doing physical exercise, reading and watch a movie. If you do all, you have not only a perfect mind but also a healthy body. No matter how difficult, there is no denying that problems will be solved, you will be a strong and success person.
-- by 会员 Yeeisstrong (2012/9/2 19:30:17)
作者: Yeeisstrong 时间: 2012-9-3 15:28
改的很好，非常感谢，语法确实很糟糕，作文很烂。但是硬着头皮也得写啊，先把语言学好再去GMAT吧。
作者: chasedreamabc 时间: 2012-9-3 17:28
除了付图图给你说的语法外，大致看了一下。字数较少，少于很多高分同学的文章；论点展开不充分，文章的结构性和逻辑不是非常完备，提升空间很大
最后能说建议重写吗
作者: vivian873921 时间: 2012-9-3 20:02
标题: 9.2 的批改~人家虽然很菜~人家会尽力批改滴！
红色~是修正的，黄色是亮点~蓝色是建议~蓝绿色是疑惑~颜色太多~都有点色盲了。。。。
Nowadays, all kinds of people have different press.（pressures）for instance(举例的短语), children always complain they have too much homework(homeworks to do), students maybe bore(get bored of) their bad friendships with their friends, （这里面好多个分句是不是用分号更好一些呢？个人想法~）adults feel they have so weight press (strong pressures which comes) from their children, parents and wife, old people often become sick so that they have to suffer terrible treat. So,press（pressure） is coming(一个倒装的句子~要学习之~), those people who must relax themselves, thus some people believe it is better （to）relax by a movie or reading a book than doing physical. However, physical exercises are the same important to us（have the same importance to us）.
Movie plays a very important role in my life. I remember that some time I was terrible so that I do not want to learn GMAT, I lost myself and think it is so difficult to me, there are so many wrong answers, I almost give up until watch a movie, Forest Gump, it tells me that life was(这个是不是可以用is？) like a box of chocolates(一个很好的引用), you （will）never know what （kind of chocolates） you are going to eat, you must persist to do it (貌似应该是persist in doing sth.)and like Forest Gump, finally your dream is （will） come true. The movie helps me (get) through the bad time and relax (refresh) my mind, (so that) I can learn GMAT better.
But I try to exercise every day. I make it a point to take a long brisk along walk every day. Exercising regularly not only helps me to（应该是help sb do sth.）keep my weight in check(这个木有看懂) but also helps me get over stress. It has been proved that walking can help you relax. In fact , a walk in a park away from polluted areas is good for our lungs. After you finish your physical exercise, you feel you are relax and have a good mood. How a nice day!
It is the same important to us doing physical exercises, reading and watch a movie. If you do all, you will have not only a perfect mind but also a healthy body. No matter how difficult (it is), there is no denying that problems will be solved, you will be a strong and success person.
个人觉得应该理由再充分一下，是不是可以先提出观点，然后再用例子支持一下。觉得观点的论述理由有一点少~互相学习~加油~
作者: Yeeisstrong 时间: 2012-9-4 20:00
9月3日
Do you agree that it is better to spend money on traveling and vacation than save money for the future.
The world that we are living becomes more and more beautiful and colorful so that our life should be full of all kinds of brilliance and marvel. Thus we can spend some money on traveling and vocation, and then we go to enjoy your life or relax yourself. However, some people believe that if we spend money on traveling and vocation, we won’t save money for future. I feel that different people hold different idea about the topic. I agree that we should spend money in traveling and vocation. I have a number of reasons for feeling this way, and they are all based on my personal experience.
Under the background of economic crisis and city explosion, we are highly competitive and have heavy pressure. We often can not go home on time because we should work hard and work overtime. An increasing number of people are depressed because they suffer too much pressure. All in all, we should spend money on traveling and vocation in order to relax ourselves and enjoy our beautiful life. We have a good mind, our job will be finished more efficiency and perfect.
Although saving money also have a great influence on our life, our country are become more rich after the remove and opening-up, our social security system is more and more perfect. Those people who worry that their rest of life has no energy to make money are redundant. Our government will help and make sure the old man is healthy. Some people want to save money for their children to supply fee of education and to buy department for their children. In my view, government offers fee of students now. It is so terrible that parents give their children departments or houses, if they do, children maybe not study hard and work hard, they feel that life is so easy at a young age and will not do their almost to achieve their goal in life, but when they are become adult or more old, they find that they own a terrible life. Therefore, it is best way that we should spend money on us.
Above all , in brief, our life belongs us. Spending money on amazing traveling and comfortable vocation is a great right decision. How a beautiful thing it is to enjoy life!
作者: Yeeisstrong 时间: 2012-9-4 20:02
谢谢你，
我会重写一遍的。
作者: shendang 时间: 2012-9-4 20:21
Do you agree that it isbetter to spend money on traveling and vacation than save money for the future.
The world that we are livingbecomes more and more beautiful and colorful so that our life should be full ofall kinds of brilliance and marvel. Thuswe can spend some money on traveling and vocation（thus 前后貌似没有什么因果关系吧~）, and then we go to enjoy your life or relax yourself.However, some people believe that if we spend money on traveling and vocation,we won’t save money for future. （我大致明白你要表达的意思，可是这样写有点罗嗦）I feel that different people hold different idea about thetopic. I agree that we should spend money in traveling and vocation. I have anumber of reasons for feeling this way, and they are all based on my personalexperience.
Under the background ofeconomic crisis and city explosion, weare highly competitive（这个意思是竞争变强？如果是，这个表达有误吧~） and have heavypressure. We often can not go home on time because we should work hard and workovertime. An increasing number of people are depressed because they suffer toomuch pressure. All in all（这边的all in all放得有点不对，前面只讲了现代人怎么样，还没说到花钱旅游有什么好，就马上来个总之，逻辑上不严谨）, we should spend money on traveling and vocation in orderto relax ourselves and enjoy our beautiful life. We have a good mind, our jobwill be finished more efficiency and perfect.
Although saving money also havea great influence on our life, our country are become more rich after theremove and opening-up, our social security system is more and more perfect.Those people who worry that their rest of life has no energy to make money areredundant. Our government will help and make sure the old man is healthy. Somepeople want to save money for their children to supply fee of education and tobuy department for their children. In my view, government offers fee of students now. It is soterrible that parents give their children departments or houses, if they do, children maybe not studyhard and work hard, they feel that life is so easy at a young age and will notdo their almost to achieve their goal in life, but when they arebecome adult or more old, they will find that they own aterrible life. Therefore, it is best way that we should spend money on us.
这段观点很好，但是句式过于简单了。养儿防老和啃老族这两个都是在说要为未来省钱，我觉得前面那个例子比较贴切，而且一个观点也没必要两个例子吧。
Above all , in brief, our life belongs us.Spending money on amazing traveling and comfortable vocation is a great rightdecision. How a beautiful thing it is to enjoy life!
作者: Yeeisstrong 时间: 2012-9-4 20:53
我只会写简单的句子，很想写复杂一复杂就错。肿么办呢！
作者: Yeeisstrong 时间: 2012-9-5 19:11
agree/disagree：an efficient leader will always try to make everyone feel that he's in part of a decision making
A successful leader must get along with his staff, whose try their best to finish their job. An efficient team work is made. Because staffs feel that they are useful and achieve their value. They help their leader make an efficient decision, and thus they are happy and will do their almost to follow their leader, when the team suffer some problems, staffs who will take part in and help their leader make a efficient decision to solve it. Do not you believe that it is best way a leader should make everyone feel that he is in part of a decision making?
I have a number of reasons for feeling this way, and they are all based on real case. Like Steven Jobs, after taking over a nearly bankrupt Apple, designed I-pods, I-pads and I-phones, which hit it big across globe and set company back on top. Just because he understands that he will talk with staffs and accept different ideas before any decisions are made. Employees feel that they are not ignored by their boss and they ploy a important role in their boss’s mind and company. Therefore, Apple’ products become so popular in the world and make a great profits. What important it is to an efficient leader makes a decision together with staffs.
However, different people hold different ideas about the topic. Some people assert that an efficient leader should make a decision alone and do not make their staffs understand or join. How stupid it is to a leader! Making a decision alone is a two-edge weapon which can be used equally for good or evil. Maybe the leader is luck so that he makes a right decision alone, but he will not always have a good luck. If he can talk with staffs and listen to their advice, the result is more efficient, staffs can improve their activity. Everyone in the team will achieve their own value. It is necessary to a company owns a good team work.
All in all, doing something is like playing football, only every member gets along well with their leader and understands each other, they will score a goal. The staff accepts leader’s order and leader respect their staff’s advice, there is no denying that the team will operate more and more efficient.
作者: hdf1990 时间: 2012-9-5 19:56
本人很菜 第一次改别人作文 如有不好 多多包涵
A successful leader must get along well with his staff, whose try their best to finish their job. An efficient team work is made.（这句话改成主动语态是不是好一些 ，前面再加一些逻辑连接词，例如：if the leader makes it, the team work will be efficient. ） Because staffs feel that they are useful and achieve their value. They help their leader make an efficient decision, and thus they are happy and will do their almost（什么意思？） to follow their leader, when the team suffers some problems, staffs who will take part in没有宾语？ and help their leader make an efficient decision to solve it(them). Do not you believe that it is best way a leader should make everyone feel that he is in part of a decision making?
I have a number of reasons for feeling this way什么意思？, and they are all based on real case. Like Steven Jobs, after taking over a nearly bankrupt Apple, designed I-pods, I-pads and I-phones, which hit it big across globe and set company back on top. Just because he understands that he will talk with staffs and accept different ideas before any decisions are made. Employees feel that they are not ignored by their boss and they play an important role in their boss’s mind and company. Therefore, Apple’ products become so popular in the world and make a great profits. What important it is to(for) an efficient leader to make a decision together with staffs.
However, different people hold different ideas about the topic. Some people assert that an efficient leader should make a decision alone and do （去掉do 不平行了）not make their staffs understand or join. How stupid it is to a leader!（这个上一段最后一句一样 你确定这种表达没错？我也不太知道 向你请教） Making a decision alone is a two-edge weapon which can be used equally for good or evil. Maybe the leader is lucky so that he makes a right decision alone, but he will not always have a good luck. If he can talk with staffs and listen to their advice, the result is (will be) more efficient,(结果很高效？搭配不对吧) staffs can improve their activity提高活动？. Everyone in the team will achieve their own value. It is necessary to（ for） a company to owns (own) a good team work.
All in all, doing something is like playing football, only every member gets along well with their leader and understands each other, they will score a goal. The staff accepts leader’s order and leader respect their staff’s advice, there is no denying that the team will operate more and more efficiently.
先说问题吧 整片的结构 有点散 一般结构都是 第一段 阐明观点 第二、三段 分论点 然后举例子支持 最后总结 你的结构没有分论点 或者说不清楚 个别语法错误需要注意 有一些反问句和感叹句还是不错的 但是要注意语法的问题 句和句的逻辑要好好推敲
作者: Yeeisstrong 时间: 2012-9-10 20:43
作者: Yeeisstrong 时间: 2012-9-10 20:49
9月10日
In order to succeed in doing a new job, the ability to adapt oneself to the new environment is more important than the excellent knowledge of this job.
Some students who study in a terrible environment but they study hard very much the result is they got offers from Ivy; Some farmers who suffer drought but they do utmost to irrigate the desert area the result is bumper harvest; Some staffs who have normal or bad ability to adapt the new environment but they learn excellent knowledge of the job the result is that boss will pay a decent and they make much money for their company. Thus, the excellent knowledge of the job is more important that the ability to adapt oneself to the new environment.
The excellent professional knowledge is processed all staff who will make a good team work so that the company become more and more efficiency. Like Apple company, which once was a nearly bankrupt company, be taken over by Steve jobs. Jobs lead his high active team designed Ipods, Iphones and Ipads which hit it big across globe and set company back on top. How important it is to staffs have excellent skills!
To understand the truth of the excellent knowledge of job is great influence on staff, I can set a real example, our teachers who must have good enough knowledge so that they can teach students more and more clearly and detail.
Just imagine what it would be like if teachers do not understand their subjects and often be asked awful questions that they never know. How terrible it is to learn students! Education will suffer heavy accidents and children will not make a good progress.
Certainly, the ability to adapt oneself to the new environment is advantage too. Enhancing the ability to staff is ignored and helps them work in a good state.
However, in my opinion, there is no denying that staff have excellent knowledge is more powerful and important than have ability to adapt to the new environment. As is so often pointed out “Knowledge is power”. The excellent knowledge not only makes a large of profits for company but also receives a rich pay for
作者: xeyyxzty 时间: 2012-9-11 10:53
Some students who study in a terrible environmentbut they study hard very much the result is they got offers from Ivy(studentswho study hard in a terrible environment can get offers from Ivy) ; Somefarmers who suffer drought but they do utmost to irrigate the desert area theresult is bumper harvest(farmers who suffer drought can harvest if they workhard to irrigate the crops); Some staffs who have normal or bad ability to adapt the newenvironment but they learn excellent knowledge of the job the result is thatboss will pay a decent and they make much money for their company.(staffs who haveexcellent knowledge, though lacking the ability to adapt to new environments, canget a decent pay and help the company improve.) Thus,the excellent knowledge of the job is more important that(than) the ability to adapt oneself to the new environment.
同学~你这段话吧~怎么每句话在我眼里都有点问题呢~那个the result没有你想象的功能吧（我也说不清你究竟想怎么用哈）~我就按照自己的猜测改了一下，如果有错误还请谅解，我们可以私下讨论~然后farmer那句，说的不是他们艰苦奋斗之类的吗，为什么和知识有关系呢，如果说有关，那么最好说是他们的灌溉知识使他们丰收~学生的那一句也是，说的是刻苦学习吧，然后拿到OFFER，为什么不说从IVY毕业的都前途光明，所以知识很重要呢~个人意见哈
The excellent professional knowledge is processedby all staff who will make a good team work so that thecompany become more and more efficiency. Like Apple company, which once was a nearly bankruptcompany( the company once almost bankrupted), be taken over by Steve jobs. Jobslead his high active team designed Ipods, Iphones and Ipads(iPods, iPhones, iPads) which hit it big across globeand set company back on top. How important it is to staffs have excellentskills!(take Apple as an example. It’s a company oncealmost bankrupted. When Steve Jobs went back to the company, he invented iPodsto save the firm. Afterwards, thanks to the talented staffs, products like iPhones and iPads make the profits of company huge. Applebecomes one of the top companies in the world.)
To understand the truth of the excellent knowledge of jobis great influence on staff, I can set a real example, our teachers who musthave good enough knowledge so that they can teach students more and moreclearly and detail.(to understand the importance of excellent knowledge tojobs, let’s take teachers as an example. Teachers must have enough knowledge sothat they can teach students precisely and accurately.)
Just imagine what it would be like if teachers do notunderstand their subjects and often be asked awful questions that they neverknow. How terrible it is to learn students(for students to learn) ! Education will suffer heavy accidents and children will not make agood progress.
Certainly, the ability to adapt oneself to the newenvironment is advantage too. Enhancing the ability to staff is ignored andhelps them work in a good state. （没有明白什么意思）
However, in my opinion, there is no denying that staffwho have excellent knowledge is more powerful(个人偏向于使用useful)and important than those have(having) the ability to adapt to thenew environment. As is so often pointed out “Knowledge is power”. The excellentknowledge not only makes a largeof profits for company but also receives a rich payfor(没有粘完吧？)
问题有点多哈~
首先你这个段落安排吧~不是常规的模式，尤其是第一段~我不知道这样好不好~就是指出来一下
然后就是句子的问题，第一段实在是问题严重~需要加强基础哟~
然后就是论点的逻辑性~个人感觉不是很convincing~当然可能是因为我的观点和你的相反的原因~
再交流吧~可能改的有点不恰当，见两
作者: Yeeisstrong 时间: 2012-9-11 12:00
谢谢了，吸取教训的，我确实很菜，现在准备去看看语法书，好好学习学习写句子。
作者: 小兔爱twins 时间: 2012-9-12 17:48
911 独立~~~~~ 在哪里·~~· 
作者: Yeeisstrong 时间: 2012-9-12 20:12
9月11日
It is much easier for people to achieve success without their family members’ help now than in the past.
From the ancient times to the present, no one who does not expect success. Certainly, whenever some people always achieve success. But there is a public debate today that achieving success is much easier without their family member’s help now than in the past. Under the background of economic, cultural and education loom so large, I believe that it is easy for people to achieve success without their family members’ help now. I have a number of reasons for feeling this way.
Now, knowledge is accumulated by multiplying. People gain knowledge more and more easy and quick. Compulsory education has been popularity. Some people even will get Master degree and PhD. People’ starting point become much higher now than in the past. They can think about all kinds of question independently and do some important decisions without their family members’ help because they are intellectual. However, in the past, people who can not solve problem of food and clothing, how did they receive good education? For instance, my grandmother don’t know word and never go to school, the result is that she must stay the small and poor village in the lifetime. Therefore, although your family members will not help you succeed, study hard will help you succeed.
Moreover, people can receive high level education so that they invent many useful things, which are connection tools and efficiency traffic tools, such as computer, internet, car and train. People connect each other closely. They use this tools go to anywhere and talk about anyone. Those tools play a crucial role in business field and relationship of people. People also can become self-employed use those tools, like electrical business, in this case, it is unnecessary for their parents to worry about their children if can find a good job and make money. Just image what if people had not so useful and advantage inventions in the past? They lived in self-world and did not know new information, sometimes when they must find a assistant from their family members for a good job. How difficult it is to people achieve success!
Finally, we live in times of peace, the legal system in the gradual improvement in my country now. Every day is a beautiful day. If you work hard as soon as possible, you will achieve success by your own energy. But in the past, war often be happened, World war make people suffer distress and torment, safe and freedom can not be protected by government, thus they are very difficult become success in terrible environment.
From what has been discussed above, through the history, success may easy or difficult. Now, we live in a peaceful and equal environment, you can become success without your relative’s help as long as you will do your utmost to do things and achieve your goal in life.
作者: Yeeisstrong 时间: 2012-9-12 20:13
不好意思，晚了。今天有点课。
作者: 小兔爱twins 时间: 2012-9-12 22:42
From the ancient times to the present, no one who does notexpect success. Certainly, whenever some people always achieve success. （这两句话看了有点变扭） But thereis a public debate today that achieving success is much easier without theirfamily member’s help now than in the past. Under the background of economic,cultural and education loom so large, I believe that it is easy for people toachieve success without their family members’ help now. I have a number ofreasons for feeling this way.（开头看上去有点小啰嗦 在逻辑上有点弱 建议你用个模板来框架一下先。。。）
Now,knowledge is accumulated by multiplying. People gain knowledge more and moreeasy and quick. Compulsory education has been popularity. Some people even willget Master degree and PhD. People’ starting point become much higher now thanin the past. They can think about all kinds of question independently and dosome important decisions without their family members’ help because they areintellectual. However, in the past, people who can not solve problem of foodand clothing, how did they receive good education? For instance, my grandmotherdon’t know word and never go to school, the result is that she must stay thesmall and poor village in the lifetime. Therefore, although your family memberswill not help you succeed, study hard will help you succeed. （我觉得这段说理不够扣题。。）
Moreover,people can receive high level education so that they invent many useful things,which are connection tools and efficiency traffic tools, such as computer,internet, car and train. People connect each other closely. They use this toolsgo to anywhere and talk about anyone. Those tools play a crucial role inbusiness field and relationship of people. People also can become self-employeduse those tools, like electrical business, in this case, it is unnecessary fortheir parents to worry about their children if can find a good job and makemoney. Just image what if people had not so useful and advantage inventions inthe past? They lived in self-world and did not know new information, sometimeswhen they must find a assistant from their family members for a good job. Howdifficult it is to people achieve success!
Finally,we live in times of peace, the legal system in the gradual improvement in mycountry now. Every day is a beautiful day. If you work hard as soon aspossible, you will achieve success by your own energy. But in the past, waroften be happened, World war make people suffer distress and torment, safe andfreedom can not be protected by government, thus they are very difficult becomesuccess in terrible environment.
（这段跟主题似乎不太搭上关系。。。）
Fromwhat has been discussed above, through the history, success may easy ordifficult. Now, we live in a peaceful and equal environment, you can becomesuccess without your relative’s help as long as you will do your utmost to dothings and achieve your goal in life.
看完整篇文章了 感觉有点点牵强。。 建议你多参考几篇范文 然后改善一下观点和论述 这样使得你的说理更有力一些
作者: Yeeisstrong 时间: 2012-10-7 21:09
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: the government and corporation should share all their scientific discoveries with other countries?
We live in a world in which almost every country and people hope to get along with each other. Some developed countries often have a large of scientific discoveries because of their strong comprehensive strength, nevertheless, I believe, the government and corporation which own a number of discoveries should share with the other countries.
Throughout history, it is absolutely true that human being make so great progress just because countries share with their new discoveries each other, such as three times industrial revolution, scientific invent new vehicles, effective medicines and convenient internet. We share with these new discoveries which add more and more rich and colorful message to our life.
The government and corporation can use their scientific discoveries make a good profit. Some developing and undeveloped countries lack of highly skillful people and scientific tools to do new scientific discoveries, thus they will purchase them from these developed countries. Not only do developed countries make much money contribute to their GDP, but also developing and undeveloped countries get new scientific discoveries to improve people life. Double win comes true and we can live the peace world forever.
Besides, if the government and corporation share their scientific discoveries, it will contribute to all over the world. Everyone will thank the government and corporation. What a exalted thing it is! People use new vehicles can meet their friends and make an appointment with their customers quickly. Though they have a distance between them, plane will solve the problem, friends will together friendly and business will become successful very much.
Have you found that the living of people is more and more long? Just because some new and advantage medicines help many patients and make their health. The government and corporation invest money and skills to research new medicines which share with patients who come from other countries, they bring the patients who will give up life new hope. Therefore the government and corporations save human being and bring new light. Certainly, they will make much money and get some taxes by selling new medical.
From what has been discussed above, we may draw the conclusion that the government and corporation should share scientific discoveries with other countries, in this way, all the world will make progress and the new discoveries can also make a decent pay. The government and corporation play a significant role in our society and own a high international status.
作者: 陈喵喵holdon 时间: 2012-10-8 18:29
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: the government and corporation should share all their scientific discoveries with other countries?
We live in a world in which almost every country and people hope to get along with each other
(这一句感觉跟后面有点脱节). Some developed countries often have
a large of(a large of略有点奇怪啊.改成a large number of?) scientific discoveries because of their strong comprehensive strength, nevertheless, I believe, the government and corporation which own a number of discoveries should share with the other countries.
Throughout history, it is absolutely true that human
being(beings) make so great progress just because countries
share with their new discoveries each other(share sth. with sb.所以应为share their new discoveries with each other), such as
three times industrial revolution
(三次工业革命这么表达好奇怪), scientific invent new vehicles, effective medicines and convenient internet. We share with these new discoveries which add more and more rich and colorful
message(messages) to our life.
The government and corporation can use their scientific discoveries
make(to make) a good profit
(建议此句跟share稍微联系一下). Some developing and undeveloped countries
lack of(be lack of/lack v.) highly skillful people and scientific tools to do new scientific discoveries, thus they will purchase them from these developed countries. Not only do developed countries make much money contribute to their GDP, but also developing and undeveloped countries get new scientific discoveries to improve people life. Double win comes true and we can live the peace world forever.
Besides, if the government and corporation share their scientific discoveries, it will contribute to all over the world. Everyone will thank the government and corporation. What a exalted thing it is! People use new vehicles can meet their friends and make an appointment with their customers quickly. Though they have a distance
between(among) them, plane will solve the problem, friends will together friendly and business will become successful very much
(这句话又两个句子,中间断一下另起一句).
感觉和第一点有点像,造福整个世界 Have you found that the living of people is
more and more long(much longer)? Just because some new and advantage medicines help many patients and make their health. The government and corporation invest money and skills to research new medicines which share with patients who come from other countries, they bring the patients who will give up life new hope. Therefore the government and corporations save human being and bring new light
(也有点造福全世界的意思,只是造福中的一方面). Certainly, they will make much money and get some taxes by selling new medical
(这个和第二点又有点相似,挣钱?).
From what has been discussed above, we may draw the conclusion that the government and corporation should share scientific discoveries with other countries, in this way, all the world will make progress and the new discoveries can also make a decent pay. The government and corporation play a significant role in our society and own a high international status.
-- by 会员 Yeeisstrong (2012/10/7 21:09:42)
全文应该是两个中心点，造福和谋取利益。
造福中分了好几点，网络，通信，医药什么的。
结构感觉略有一点混乱。
一些小语法要注意。
作者: Yeeisstrong 时间: 2012-10-9 18:32
10.8
People who move out of their native village or town are more successful and happier than who stay in their native village or town for their whole life. A\D
When we are discussing the issue that whether people who live in their native village or town are more successful and happier than who move out of their native village or town, a lot of people, far more than half I guess, holdthe viewpoint that it is successful and happy for people who stay in their native village or town. I always amazed when I hear them say so, since I have an opposite of the view in modern society, people move out of their native village or town are benefit to their success and happiness. Because people can learn colorful and rich culture and history, make many good friends and have a chance to enhance them.
Throughout the china, different place have different culture and history. If you always live in your hometown, you will not understand other more colorful and rich culture and history than your hometown. The example of me matches my point of view perfectly, I leave my hometown to other city, that is Shenyang city. I stay here and learn that northeast people are very peaceful and hot to me, my students who live in Shenyang always help me in life. Besides, there are a large number of delicious food in this city, such as black fungus, double cooked pork slice and sea cucumbers. I have lived in three years and taste much delicious food, my friends once to say I have become a gourmet. What a happy life it is!
What’s more, you can image that you are stay in a small city forever, your life may be not change and still very ordinary. Your dream come true is difficultly. You can move out of other big city, you will change your life style and meet a new life. In this case, you can make new friends who hold many advantage ideas and theories, you will learn a lot of things that you never know. You can get a good job in a great corporation where pay a decent and enhance your ability quickly. As a result, your living standard will be improved and more and more opportunity will say “hello” to you.
Granted, people feel that they move out of place are too distance, so that they can not take care of their parents very well. However, in fact, in modern society we can use many translation tools, for instance, Phone, Email and Facebook, you can easy know your parents who are doing what and even can see them anytime. Besides, many convenience vehicle are contribute to your life, like plane and car, they help you come to your hometown quickly.
All in all, for the reasons listed below, we can safely conduce that people who move out of their native town or village are helpful to their success and happiness. If there is still anyone out there who still questioned why new town or village are contribute to people, and who doubts that why the colorful and rich world would not have an influence on people, and wonders what factors should we consider when we are talking about this issue.(这几句话是背其他人的，是不是不应该写啊，看着就像凑字数？)
作者: Yeeisstrong 时间: 2012-10-9 18:33
TPO 18 综合
The lecture claims that experts' three ways are not condering to protect nearly ectinct Torreya from Florida. Thus this claim is not in agreement with that of the reading passage, which suggest that three ways are nor perfect.
According to the lecture, experts hold the way that they reestablish Torreya in the same location where the microclimate is wetter and cooler is not avaliavle and unlikely. This is because although Northern Forida's mircroclimate is very favorable to Torreya's growth, globing warming is more and more dangerous nowadays, it will make a bad influence in temperture and climate. Clearly, the lectire disproves it's counterpart in the reading passage that moving the Torreya to north Florida is a good way.
The second point of difference between the lecture and the reading passage concerns that whether moving Torreya to an entirely different location where is far from Florida microclimate is a successful way. The lecture asserts that Torreya thrived in areas much further north will dangerous located plants and even kill trees due to Torreya spread quikly very much, rather than, the reading passage believes that Torreya seeds and saplings have been successful planted and grown in forest further north where temperature is matched.
Finally, regard on the way of protecting Torreya the lecture contends that seeds and sapling are planted in research center a compelling, researchers can not control a large number of plants so that diseases may be born and have a great dangerous. This is direct contradiction with the claim the reading passage that a close monitored environment is easily to ensure Toreya continued survival.
All in all, on the basis of the evidences presented, the lecture clearly identifies the weakness in the reading passage and show that three ways of experts are not useful.
作者: loveluyuanbai 时间: 2012-10-9 23:26
有点事耽误了啊 马上给你批改
作者: Yeeisstrong 时间: 2012-10-10 18:12
10.9
It's more important for the government to build art museums and music performance center than to build recreational devices (such as swimming pool, playgrounds)
When we are discussing the issue that whether the government build art museums and music performance center is more significant than it build recreational devices, many people hold fast to their belief that art museums and music performance center play a more important role in their life, however, I am amazed when I hear people say so, since my opinion is quite the opposite the point, and in modern society recreational devices have a great influence on people’s life. There are several reasons for my view.
In modern society, people need use recreational devices to release themselves and make their bodies stronger and health. Because it is obviously true that people always nowadays undergo great pressure that come from various directions, doing some excises will contribute to their life and mind by recreational devices. They can play football in football ground and swim in the pool, after doing these excises people will feel that their pressure no longer so weight and own a stronger immunity and will have a good efficiency in work and study. What beautiful life it is!
Besides, recreational devices will get together people who have same habits so that they make friends and build their team work sprint. The example of me matches my point of view perfectly, I always play football with other people in the playground, we begin not meet anyone, but after we play football a time, we understand each other and have a good match so that my team get scores very easily. There is no denying that football help me make many good friends and learn how to make a team work.
Finally, the government builds the recreational device also contributed to GDP. Some expensive recreational devices should ask people pay to fees, in this way government will make a great profit to develop other aspects. In addition, business will be developed near the recreational devices. People need purchase thing that about excise, like football, swimming clothes and so forth. It is necessary to people for eating and drinking before or after excising.
All in all, for the reasons listed above, we may safely draw conclusion that the government building recreational devices is important to people very much.
作者: Yeeisstrong 时间: 2012-10-10 20:55
TPO 19
The lecture claims that a new advertisement called "buzzing" have a great influence on people, because people can perchurse many good products by "buzzing". The claim is not in agreement with the reading passage suggests that "buzzing" can mislead and cheat customers, it is not truthful and should be banned now.
According to the lecture, professor believe that "buzzing" is a truthful way, company hire people who really use the products praise the products, such as his phone, which is very useful and great product, thus company hire him.Clearly, the lecture disproves it's counterpart in the reading passage that a person praising a product is untruthfully and gives customer wrong information.
Secondly ,the lecture believe that buzzer tell some feeling from price, serves and how long to use it about the product, the feeling is a good answer about whether the product is really and useful. However, the reading passage asserts that buzzers only pretend their own ideas and consumers are being lobbied, as a result, buzzing could harmful to consumers really.
Finally, regarding the "buzzing" is good or bad the lecture contends that if company products bad products, they will not hire buzzer to introduce these products. The professor loves his phone after trying it and has a good experience. This is direct contraction with the reading passage that untruthful buzzing has a harmful impart on social relationship, and it develops dishonesty.
All in all, on the basis of the evidence presented, the lecture clearly indentifies the weakness in the reading passage and show that "buzzing" is really a good helper to people.
作者: vanessa923 时间: 2012-10-10 22:07
标题: 改1008独立！
黄亮精彩，蓝色建议，红色错误。
When we are discussing the issue that whether people who live in their native village or town are more successful and happier than （those） who move out of their native village or town, a lot of people, far more than half I guess, holdthe viewpoint that it is successful and happy for people who stay in their native village or town. I always amazed when I hear them say so, since I have an opposite of the view in modern society, people move out of their native village or town are benefit to（什么意思？） their success and happiness. Because people can learn colorful and rich culture and history, make many good friends and have a chance to enhance them（enhance what? be more specific.).
Throughout the china, different places have different culture and history. If you always live in your hometown, you will not understand other more colorful and rich culture and history than your hometown. The example of me matches my point of view perfectly, I leave my hometown to other city, that is(-) Shenyang city. I stay here and learn that northeastern people are very peaceful(try another adj,like hospitable) and hot to me, my students(?) who live in Shenyang always help me in life. Besides, there are a large number of delicious food in this city, such as muer, guobaorou and haishen. I have lived in three years and tasted much delicious food, andmy friends once to say I have become a gourmet. What a happy life it is!
What’s more, you can image that you are stay in a small city forever, your life may be not change and still very ordinary. Your dream come true is difficultly. You can move out of other big city, you will change your life style and meet(meet的用法表示疑问） a new life. In this case, you can make new friends who hold many advantage ideas and theories, you will learn a lot of things that you never know. You can get a good job in a great corporation where pay a decen（缺宾语）t and enhance your ability quickly. As a result, your living standard will be improved and more and more opportunity will say “hello” to you.
Granted, people feel that they move out of place are too distance, so that they can not take care of their parents very well. However, in fact, in modern society we can use many translation tools, for instance, Phone, Email and Facebook, （是 translation tools么？）you can easy know your parents who are doing what and even can see them anytime. Besides, many convenience vehicle are contribute to your life, like plane and car, they help you come to your hometown quickly.
All in all, for the reasons listed below, we can safely conduce that people who move out of their native town or village are helpful to their success and happiness. If there is still anyone out there who still questioned why new town or village are contribute to people, and who doubts that why the colorful and rich world would not have an influence on people, and wonders what factors should we consider when we are talking about this issue.(这几句话是背其他人的，是不是不应该写啊，看着就像凑字数？)
最后一句话有错误的说。
基本的词汇与短语的用法很有待加强。
逻辑什么的可以再加强。
作者: Catherie 时间: 2012-10-11 20:27
标题: TPO 19 批改
The lecture claims that a new advertisement called"buzzing" have a great influence on people, because people can perchurse (purchase)manygood products by "buzzing". The claim is not in agreement(disagrees) with the readingpassage （that估计你是想写成同位语从句或定语从句，但是你这弄成了一个主语从句，此时连接词that 不能省略）suggeststhat "buzzing" can mislead and cheat customers, and (两个分句要用连词连接)itis not truthful and should be banned now.
最后一句话有语法问题，出现了多个主谓语。其实你可以分成两句来写，不要把自己和看的人都绕晕了^^
. Theclaim disagrees with the reading passage. The reading suggests that "buzzing"can mislead and cheat customers, and it is not truthful and should bebanned now.
According to the lecture, professor(student/speaker) believe that "buzzing" is a truthful way,company hire people who really use the products to praisethe products, such as his phone, which is very useful and great product, thus. Thus, company hire him.Clearly（Obviously/Evidently）, the lecture disproves it's(its) counterpart(这个词你是不是打错了？？这是副本的意思) in the reading passage that a person praisinga product is untruthfully and gives customer wrong information.
Secondly ,the lecture believe that buzzer tell somefeeling from price, serves（service）and how long to use it about the product, .The feeling is a good answer about whether theproduct is really and useful. However, the reading passage asserts that buzzersonly pretend their own ideas and consumers are being lobbied, as a result,buzzing could harmful to consumers really.
Finally, regarding the "buzzing" is good or bad,(前一个分词短语和后面的主句有逗号隔开) the lecture contends that if company products（produces） bad products, they will not hire buzzer to introducethese products.(这句话没有和听力原文的内容有差异) Theprofessor loves his phoneafter trying it and has a good experience. This is direct contraction（contract） with the reading passage that untruthfulbuzzing has a harmful impart on social relationship, and it developsdishonesty.
All in all, on the basis of the evidence presented, thelecture clearly indentifies the weakness in the reading passage and show that"buzzing" is really a good helper to people.
- Main point: 阅读部分对口碑营销的观点是错误的
- Sub point 1: 托儿在推销产品的时候不会说谎
- Sub point 2: 人们不会盲目信任口碑营销
- Sub point 3: 口碑营销可以促进人与人之间的信任
你大体上都说到了，你在细看一下。
作者: AnthonySummer 时间: 2012-10-11 21:28
10.9
It's more important for the government to build art museums and music performance center than to build recreational devices (such as swimming pool, playgrounds)
When we are discussing the issue that whether the government build art museums and music performance center is more significant than it build recreational devices, many people hold fast to their belief that art museums and music performance center play a more important role in their life, however, I am amazed when I hear people say so, since my opinion is quite the opposite the point, and in modern society recreational devices have a great influence on people's life. There are several reasons for my view.
In modern society, people need to use recreational devices to release themselves and make their bodies stronger and health. Because it is obviously true that people always nowadays undergo great pressure that comes from various directions（感觉Chinese English）, doing some excises will contribute to their life and mind by recreational devices. They can play football in the football ground and swim in the pool. After doing these excuses people will feel that their pressure no longer so weight and on a stronger immunity and will have a good efficiency in work and study( good example！). What beautiful life it is!
Besides, recreational devices will get together people who have the same habits so that they make friends and build their team work sprint. The example of me matches my point of view perfectly, I always play football with other people in the playground, we begin not meet anyone, but after we play football a time, we understand each other and have a good match so that my team gets scores very easily. There is no denying that football help me make many good friends and learn how to make a team work.
Finally, the government builds the recreational device also contributed to GDP. Some expensive recreational devices should ask people pay to fees. In this way government will make a great profit to develop other aspects. In addition, business will be developed near the recreational devices. People need to purchase thing that about excise, like football, swimming clothes and so forth. It is necessary to people for eating and drinking before or after excising.（感觉museums 也可以 contribute to the GPD，如果反方向也举个列子就更好了）
All in all, for the reasons listed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that the government building recreational devices is important to people very much.
全文结构简洁明朗，简单易懂，写的不错，再接再厉吧！
作者: Yeeisstrong 时间: 2012-12-13 21:15
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Communication skill is the most important character of those who are successful.
When we are discussing the relationship between success and communication skill, many people hold fast to their belief that communication skill plays the most important role in the successful characters. However, I amazed when I hear people say so, I do not share their point of view. Although communication skill is a contributing factor to success, a variety of successful characters are more important than communication skill, such as creativity, patient and faith.
To begin with, there is a definite link between creativity and success. The creative person who not only invent a wide range of new products, but also promote the development of science and technology. Take Steve Jobs for example, after taking over a nearly bankrupt Apple, designed ipods, ipads and iphones, which hit it big across globe and set company back on top. The creative Jobs leads his creative team achieve their dream. The people of the world are enjoying these creative products and their life become more and more rich and colorful.
Besides, patient is the same important with communication skill. Successful person always use patient to solve the problem. In the key moment, the people who keep clam to think and insist to finish their job are very great, there is no doubt that teachers are best presents. Teachers have to show their patients when their students are making mistakes and they would let them know why they are wrong and how they are going to correct them more carefully. What
great teachers!
Finally, doing something is like playing football, you will never stop until you store a goal. Because the faith is the cornerstone of chasing dream. Everyone understand the story of the Rabbit and the Turtle. The turtle is competent since it knows, it has the mind-set of defeating the rabbit despite its handicap. As a result, the turtle persisted and got ahead, because the turtle who owns a strong belief persevered to reach the goal.
On the basis of the discussion, communication skill is not most important character in the success, creativity, patient and faith are important factors in determining success.
作者: abbyseven 时间: 2012-12-13 23:51
When we are discussing the relationship between success and communication skill, many people hold fast to their belief that communication skill plays the most important role in the successful characters which contributing to success. However, I amazed when I hear people say so, I do not share their point of view. Although communication skill is a contributing factor to success, a variety of successful characters are more important than communication skill, such as creativity, patient and faith. (开头觉得而很棒呢~)
[attach]111506[/attach][attach]111506[/attach]
To begin with, there is a definite link between creativity and success. The creative person who not only invent a wide range of new products, but also promote the development of（ the 必须加的）science and technology. Take Steve Jobs for example, after taking over a nearly bankrupt Apple, designed ipods, ipads and iphones, which hit it big across globe and set company back on top. The creative Jobs leads his creative team achieve their dream goal. The people of the world are enjoying these creative products and their life become more and more rich and colorful. 觉得 creative 用的有点多，可以换成同义词 innovative等，哈哈 我也词汇量不够
Besides, patient is the same important with communication skill.（as important as ） Successful person always use patient to solve the problem. (When successful people encountered obstacles and difficulties they always keep themselves calm down and try to deal with it with patience)In the key moment, the people who keep clam to think and insist to finish their job are very great, there is no doubt that teachers are best presents. Teachers have to show their patients when their students are making mistakes and they would let them know why they are wrong and how they are going to correct them more carefully. What great teachers! （这一段没有上一段好，哈哈~ 加油哈 蓝色表示有不理解的）
Finally, doing something is like playing football, you will never stop until you score a goal. Because the faith is the cornerstone of chasing dream. （这句话不错，但是我没有看懂为什么 和前句 有因果关系哈 ）Everyone understand the story of the Rabbit and the Turtle. The turtle is competent since it knows, it has the mind-set of defeating the rabbit despite its handicap. As a result, the turtle persisted and got ahead, because the turtle who owns a strong belief persevered to reach the goal.
On the basis of the discussion, communication skill is not （the） most important character （for a person who is on the way to success）in the success, （and） creativity, patient and faith are （more） important factors（ than communication skills） in determining success.
字数有点少了哈，嘿嘿，加油哈~ 共同进步 ！！
[attach]111506[/attach]
呃，我今天改在word 文档里了， 下次我注意哈，附了一个文档 嘿嘿
作者: abbyseven 时间: 2012-12-14 00:00
那个我的作文明天写了，你再帮我改好么，嘿嘿，好懒啊我 ，今天有点晚了，或者我写完再睡，啊啊啊~思考一下~ 反正明天10点前会写好，等着你去批哦~ 嘿嘿
作者: Yeeisstrong 时间: 2012-12-15 00:37
14 December
Independent Writing: Agree or disagree? Patient is usually not a good thing, we should take actions at once.
When we are talking about whether patient is usually a good thing, many people hold fast to their belief that taking actions at once is significant to us, and patient always is not a good thing. However, I am amazed when I hear people say so, since my view is quite the opposite – patient is a key factor in determining success. There are several reasons for my point.
To begin with, patient plays a crucial role in competitions. The patient person always can full of willpower and insist to finish their mission perfectly. Take the story of the rabbits and the turtles for the example, the turtle is competent since he knows, he has the mind-set of defeating the rabbit despite his handicap, as a result the turtle persisted and got ahead because the patient help him persevere to reach the goal.
Besides, there is no doubt that patient is necessary to make a decision, however, the person who be supposed to take actions at once often make mistakes, because patient keeps intensive people calm down to think carefully and discuss each other peacefully, in the key moment, people who is patient always make a right choice. Taking actions at once, people who feel pretty pressure and ignore the careful thinking cause a worse outcome.
Finally, when we are communicating with other people and we have to meet a variety of arguements, patient goes along way reach agreement and promote the development of our relationship. For instance, my high school teacher who teach me math, she not only teach me academic knowledge but also explain the problems that I hardly understand again and again, just due to her patient, my teacher never give up aiding me so that I reach a good score.
On the basis of above discussion, doing something like playing football, you have to full of willpower and patient until you score a goal, therefore, whenever we should regard the patient turtle an role models, only in this way, we can achieve our dream. Patient is the cornerstone of success
作者: 45573asdasd 时间: 2012-12-15 10:42
When we are talking about whether patient （题目其实都写错了patience）is usually a good thing, many people hold fast to their belief that taking actions at once is significant to us, and patient always is not a good thing. However, I am amazed when I hear people say so, since my view is quite the opposite – patient is a key factor in determining success. There are several reasons for my point.
To begin with, patient plays a crucial role in competitions. The patient person always can full of willpower（？） and insist to finish their mission perfectly. Take the story of the rabbits and the turtles for theas an example, the turtle is competent（你是想说它赢了，但是你这样的表达意思是它有优势，有优势还还patient干嘛？侧面是削弱你的论点） since he knows, he has the mind-set of defeating the rabbit despite his handicap, 。as a result the turtle persisted and got ahead because the patient help him persevere to reach the goal.
Besides, there is no doubt that patient is necessary to make a decision, however, the person who be(is) supposed to take actions at once often make mistakes, because patient keeps intensive people calm down to think carefully and discuss each other peacefully, in the key moment, people who is patient always make a right choice(很不错的论证，注意逗号句号。一套主谓一个句号，不要用逗号). Taking actions at once, people who feel pretty pressure and ignore the careful thinking cause a worse outcome.
Finally, when we are communicating with other people and we have to meet a variety of arguements, patient goes along way reach agreement and promote the development of our relationship（go along way do sth我没见过，不是我错了就兄台用错了）. For instance, my high school teacher who teach me math, she not only teach me academic knowledge but also explain the problems that I hardly understand again and again, just due to her patient, my teacher never give up aiding me so that I reach a good score.
On the basis of above discussion, doing something like playing football, you have to full of willpower and patient until you score a goal, therefore, whenever we should regard the patient turtle an role models, only in this way, we can achieve our dream. Patient is the cornerstone of success
还是值得肯定的，简练的语言让人耳目一新，但是太少了。344字。综合写作都有可能比你这个长，虽然字数不是唯一标准，但是350左右你的论点肯定说服力不强。第一个例子也有点偏离。写成坚持不懈了。最好能把坚持和耐心的联系有一句话概括下。多看看范文，练练速度
作者: Yeeisstrong 时间: 2012-12-16 01:12
15 December
Independent Writing: Agree or disagree? Children should do similar jobs with parents?
When we are talking about whether children should so similar jobs with parents, many people hold fast to belief that children are supposed of choice the same jobs with their parents. However, I am amazed when I hear people say so, since my opinion is quite opposite – children who do their jobs should follow their personal detail situations to make right choice. There are several reasons following my point, such as different personality, different age of life and
To begin with, different people have different personality, which plays a key role in doing jobs. Parents’ personality may have a great difference with children, thus, parents fit for the job may not suit you. If parents have to ask their children to do similar job with them but children are not interested, as a result, children could not pursue their dream, attain their values and even make a terrible influence on relationship with parents.
Besides, in today fast changing world, a variety of jobs show us so that we have a large of choices to decide what we should do and how to do it and the standard of living are increasing lead to people will accept excellent education. But in the past there is no so much opportunity like nowadays, children often have to follow parents to learn some ability so that they can live in the world. Take my grandfather for example, he is almost a blind person in knowledge and never have chance go to school. In this way, my grandfather learns some carpenter’s skills from his father so that he can marry with my grandmother and bring up my father under the impoverished circumstance.
Last but not least, just image that children do the similar jobs with parents, they work in the same filed and even office. When children encounter some obstacles and difficulties, their parents take no effect to give a hand to children but children will lack ability to handle problems and thinking dependently. Children won’t bring up in the modern society that the dominant philosophy nowadays is “young man finish tasks by themselves” .
Generally speaking, taking into account of all these factors, I do strongly disagree that children should do same jobs with parents. Nevertheless, in this day and age children choose a right job by own ideal and values.
作者: conanwang 时间: 2012-12-16 02:47
15 December
Independent Writing: Agree or disagree? Children should do similar jobswith parents?
When we are talking about whether children should so[C1] similar jobs with parents, many people hold fast to belief that children aresupposed ofchoice[C2] the same jobs with their parents. However, I am amazed when I hear people sayso, since my opinion is quite opposite – children who do their jobs shouldfollow their personaldetail situations[C3] to make [C4] rightchoice. There are several reasons following my point, such as differentpersonality[C5] ,differentage of life [C6] and[C7]
To begin with, different people have different personality, which plays a keyrole in doing jobs. Parents’ personality may have a great difference withchildren, thus, parents fit for the job may not suit you. If parents have toask their children to do similar job with them but children are not interested,as a result, children could not pursue their dream, attain their values andeven make a terrible[C8] influenceon relationship[C9] with parents.
Besides, in today fast changing world, a variety of jobs show us so that wehave a large of choices to decide what we should do and how to do it and the standardof living are increasing lead to people will accept excellent education.[C10] But in the past there is no so muchopportunity like nowadays, children often have to follow parents to learn someability so that they can live in the world. Take[C11] my grandfather for example, he is almosta blind person in knowledge[C12] and never have chance go to school[C13] . In this way, my grandfather learns somecarpenter’s skills from his father so that he can marry with[C14] my grandmother and bring up[C15] my father under the impoverished circumstance.[C16]
Last but not least, just image that children do the similar jobs with parents,they work in the same filed and even office. When children encounter someobstacles and difficulties, their parents take no effect to give a hand tochildren but childrenwill lack ability to handle problems and thinking dependently[C17] . Children won’t bring up in the modern societythat the dominant philosophy nowadays is “young man finish tasks by themselves”.
[C18]
Generally speaking, taking into account of all these factors, I do stronglydisagree that children should do same jobs [C19] with parents. Nevertheless, in this day and age childrenchoose a right job by own ideal and values.[C20]
[C1]do
[C2]to choose
[C3]personal circumstances, personal details好像是指个人信息
[C4]a
[C5]加定冠词the
[C6]Different ages
[C7]And 什么？
[C8]Negative
[C9]The relationship
句子太长，不是很清楚这句话和那句话平行。如果是和 we have平行，建议在 and后加 that 。
[C10]the improving standard of living will enable people to acquirehigher education.
[C11]Taking
[C12]He is an illiterate person
[C13]An opportunity to attend school
[C14]Could get marry with
[C15]Brought up
[C16]Impoverished environment
[C17]原句似乎不平行
Children will lack the ability of handling problemsand thinking dependently [C17]
[C18]不太清楚原句的意思，不知这样改对不对
Children would less likely to grow up healthy in themodern society where the dominant philosophy nowadays is “young man finishtasks by themselves”.
[C19]The
[C20]Nevertheless,in this day and age children should be given the right to choose their future jobs.
总结：
1.语句间的衔接词用得不错
2.从句表达丰富，该有的基本都有了
3.连词使用也比较丰富
问题
1.有时会忘了写冠词。（我也有这个问题）
2.有些句子表达好像有问题。
总体挺不错的，从你的文章中还是学到了不少的。加油！
作者: conanwang 时间: 2012-12-16 23:45
Hi ，Yeeisstrong， 我今天占座迟了，没归队~T.T~
听队长说你也没分配好，能不能今天继续帮我改呢？
作者: Yeeisstrong 时间: 2012-12-16 23:49
没问题的，明天改呢~
作者: Yeeisstrong 时间: 2012-12-16 23:49
16 December
Independent Writing: Agree or disagree? The car (automobile) has had greater effect on society than the airplane.
When we are talking about whether the automobile plays more significant role than airplane, many people hold fast to belief that the airplane is more important in their life. I am amazed when I hear people say so, since my opinion is quite opposite – the automobile is more chief vehicle than airplane. There are several reasons following my view, for instance, the car is more economical, convenient and easy driving than airplane.
To begin with, in the day and age, a large of people can afford a car, but few people also have ability to purchase a airplane. Moreover, there are a wide range of cars supporting to us, like different kinds of price, colors, place and functions. Common person will buy a car that they can afford it easy after working some years. However, there is no doubt that only some super rich men own a private airplane which needs increasing expensive oil.
Besides, infrastructure is a key factor in determining people usually use automobile or plane. Nowadays, people drive their cars through a wide array of roads and even high speed roads to their destination quickly. More and more high-speed roads are free. Furthermore, the cars make use of much space to park. Shopping mall, supermarket and near the office have been built a large of parking space. However, the airplane needs special space to stop such as airport or a big and wide space. The plane’s lines are fixed by country. Thus, the infrastructure of airplane is not perfect in present-day society.
Last but not least, there are a definite link between driving skill and both vehicle. It is obviously that driving cars are more easily than planes. Taking my friends for example, mostly my friends have passed the test about the car, but no one people who near my side have got a license of airplane. It is too hard and risk to people learn driving airplane in the sky.
Generally speaking, taking into account of all these factors, I do strongly disagree that airplane has made a greater effect on society than the car. Nevertheless, the car promotes the development of society and brings extra convenience for our life. Just image what it would be like if the car disappears in our life, I believe that everyone hardly accept the image.
作者: 45573asdasd 时间: 2012-12-17 11:13
When we are talking about whether the automobile plays more significant role than airplane does, many people hold fast to belief that the airplane is more important in their life. I am amazed when I hear people say so, since my opinion is quite opposite – the automobile is more chief(chief不合适) vehicle than airplane. There are several reasons following my view, for instance, the car is more economical, convenient and easy driving）（to） than airplane.
To begin with, in the day and age, a large proportionof people can afford a car, but few people also have ability to purchase a airplane. Moreover, there are a wide range of cars supporting to us, like different kinds of prices, colors, place and functions. Common person will buy a car that they can afford it easy after working some years. However, there is no doubt that only some super rich men own a private airplane which needs increasing expensive oil（这个油大多指金龙鱼那样的油）.
Besides, infrastructure is a key factor in determining people usually use automobile or plane（病句，determine sb do？）. Nowadays, people drive their cars through a wide array of roads and even high speed roads to their destination quickly. More and more high-speed roads are free. Furthermore, thecars make use of much space to park. Shopping mall, supermarket and near the office have been built a large of parking space. However, the airplane needs special space to stop such as airport or a big and wide space. The plane’s lines（route） are fixed by country. Thus, the infrastructure of airplane is not perfect in present-day society.
Last but not least, there are a definite link between driving skill and both vehicles. It is obviously that driving cars are more easily driving than planes. Taking my friends for example, mostly my friends have passed the test about the car, but no one people who near my side have got a license of airplane.（no one people是什么意思？你能用的到的people不能加冠词的） It is too hard and risk tofor people learn driving airplane in the sky.
Generally speaking, taking into account of all these factors, I do strongly disagree that airplane has made a greater effect on society than the car. Nevertheless, the car promotes the development of society and brings extra convenience for our life. Just image what it would be like if the car disappears in our life, I believe that everyone hardly accept the image.
战友的进步还是有的。但是你的小错误真的还有点多。有些词语的用法你还是没有掌握。加油
作者: 45573asdasd 时间: 2012-12-17 20:40
同学，你为什么不给我改呢
作者: conanwang 时间: 2012-12-17 22:23
16 December
Independent Writing: Agree or disagree? The car (automobile) has had greatereffect on society than the airplane.
When we are talking about whether the automobile plays more significant rolethan airplane, many people hold fast to belief that the airplane is moreimportant in their life. I am amazed when I hear people say so, since myopinion is quite opposite – the automobile is more chief vehicle than airplane.There are several reasons following my view, for instance, the car is more economical,convenient and easy driving than airplane.（开头很好！）
To begin with, in the day and age, a large of people can afford a car, but fewpeople also have ability to purchase a （an）airplane. Moreover, there are a wide rangeof cars supporting to us, like different kinds of price, colors, place andfunctions.(观点很好，但似乎不够直接。) Common person will buy a car that they can afford it easy (easily) afterworking some （a few） years. However, there is no doubt that only some super rich men own aprivate airplane which needs increasing（increasingly） expensive oil. （这段不错，观点很好。）
Besides, infrastructure is a key factor in determining people usually useautomobile or plane. Nowadays, people drive their cars through a wide array ofroads and even（这里没有递进吧?） high speed roads to theirdestination quickly. More and more high-speed roads are free. Furthermore, thecars make use of much space to park. （本主题似乎表达得不够straightforward,你是想表达飞机比汽车更浪费停泊空间吧？）Shopping mall, supermarket and near the office have been built a large ofparking space. However, the airplane needs special space to stop such asairport or a big and wide space. The plane’s lines are fixed by country. Thus,the infrastructure of airplane is not perfect in present-day society.
Last but not least, there are （is） a definitelink between driving skill and both（用法可能不对） vehicle. It is obviously that driving cars are more easily than planes.（这样表达如何？ Cars can be drove easily, compared with planes.） Taking my friends for example, mostly my friends have passed the test aboutthe car, but no one people who near my side have got a license of airplane. Itis too hard and risk to people learn driving airplane in the sky. (是的，观点不错。)
Generally speaking, taking into account of all these factors, I do stronglydisagree that airplane has made a greater （此处不用比较级，似乎和你上文的意思相反。） effect on society than the car. Nevertheless, the car promotes thedevelopment of society and brings extra convenience for our life. Just imagewhat it would be like if the car disappears in our life, I believe thateveryone hardly accept the image.（结尾不错，但好像没有说明白你的倾向性。）
以下是我的对你句子的一些修改意见，时间仓促，写得不够好，你就随便看看吧。希望对有帮助：）
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The car (automobile) has hadgreater effect on society than the airplane.
==>>The car (automobile) hashad greater effect on society than the airplane dose.
There are several reasonsfollowing my view, for instance, the car is more economical, convenient andeasy driving than airplane.
==>> There are manyreasons for my view, in particular when we live in an age when car is becoming moreeconomical, convenient and user-friendly than airplane is.
To begin with, in the day andage, a large of people can afford a car, but few people also have ability topurchase a airplane.
==To begin with, nowadays,plenty of people can afford a car, but few people are capable of buyingan airplane.
Moreover, there are a widerange of cars supporting to us, like different kinds of price, colors, placeand functions.
== >>moreover, wecan buy a car according to our own preferences, which include its price, color,space and functions because there are so many kinds of automobile for us tochoose in the well-developed car market.
Common person will buy a carthat they can afford it easy after working some years.
==>> Any common person are able to buy acar and they can afford it without any problem after working for just a fewyears.
However, there is no doubtthat only some super rich men own a private airplane which needs increasingexpensive oil.
==>> However,there is no doubt that only a few billionaires are wealth enough to buy aprivate airplane and they still have to tolerate soaring oil price.
Furthermore, the cars make useof much space to park. Shopping mall, supermarket and near the office have beenbuilt a large of parking space.
==>>Furthermore, ourcars can be parked easily, with a large of parking lots in differentareas ranging from shopping malls to our office.
However, the airplane needsspecial space to stop such as airport or a big and wide space.
==>>Hardly can we have anairport nearby because any airports require a particular place where jet planescan land and taxis onto an airstrip.
The plane's lines are fixed bycountry.
==>>The Airstrip alsoneed to be maintained by the government only, which will cost lots of money.
Last but not least, there area definite link between driving skill and both vehicle. It is obviously thatdriving cars are more easily than planes.
==>> Last but not least,the popularity of driving cars are linked to the fact that a mini cooper can bedriving easily, compared with a Boeing 737.
Taking my friends for example,mostly my friends have passed the test about the car, but no one people whonear my side have got a license of airplane.
==>> For example, mostof my friends have obtained the driving license but none of them intend ongetting a license of piloting airplane.
It is too hard and risk topeople learn driving airplane in the sky.
==>>
iloting an airplanein the sky is highly risk, which is also too complicated to do.
Generally speaking, takinginto account of all these factors, I do strongly disagree that airplane hasmade a greater effect on society than the car.
==>> Generally speaking,taking into account of all these factors, I do strongly disagree that the airplanehas made a greater effect on society than the car do.
Nevertheless, the car promotesthe development of society and brings extra convenience for our life.
==>> Nevertheless,the car has promoted social development and leading us to a more convenientlife.
作者: Yeeisstrong 时间: 2012-12-17 23:27
17 December
Independent Writing: Sho
uld a work team listen to the advice of the members
When we are talking about whether a work team should listen to the advice of the other members, many people hold fast to belief that everyone is suppose to do things independently. I am amazed when I hear people say so, since I have a quite opposite view – a group have to accept other members’ advices. There are several reasons following my point.
To begin with, leaders should accept their members’ opinions in a work team. When leaders who meet some question need to make a choice, the best way is that ask their members’ ideas because members who have a variety of different experience and intelligence always make a proper choose after their serious discussing. Furthermore, if team members take part in the decision, they will have a sense of fulfillment and belonging. Take Steven Jobs for a example, he took over a nearly bankrupt Apple and then lead their team design the ipads and iphones just because he accepted proper ideas from members.
Besides, as members also have to listen to the advices of their leader. The process of almost people become a leader is full of masses of difficulties and rough experiences, thus leaders own more highlight personality and strong energy than common members. In the way, team members should listen to their leader’s advice when leaders put some mistakes or shortcoming. One of most well know instances is Gorge Barton general and his soldiers, his soldiers listen to Barton and strive to finish orders so that his army win a wide array of wars.
Last but not least, just image what it would be like if a work team members do jobs only rely on their own ideas and ignore their colleagues’ or leaders’ thinking, the result is a case fails, the terrible relationship exist in among members and even the company suffer bankrupt. Nevertheless, listening to each other is a cornerstone of a team work. We can observe easily in the modern society that the dominant philosophy is “team work or the spirit of cooperation”. Admittedly, no one can deny the important role team members accept advices each other plays in the daily life.
Generally speaking, taking into account of all factors, I do strongly disagree that members do not listen to their colleagues and leaders. Nevertheless, I assert that a team work or a team leader have to listen to the advice of members. In this way, team spirit will be made and team work makes a good effect on the company or the group.
作者: tengawaakito 时间: 2012-12-17 23:44
17 December
Independent Writing: Sho
uld a work team listen to the advice of the members
When we are talking about whether a work team should listen to the advice of the other members, many people hold fast to belief that everyone is suppose to do things independently. I am amazed when I hear people say so, since I have a quite opposite view – a group have(has) to accept other members’ advices(复数的意思好像是通知）. There are several reasons following my point.
To begin with, leaders should accept their members’ opinions in a work team. When leaders who meet some question need to make a choice, the best way is that（to） ask their members’ ideas because members who have a variety of different experience（s） and intelligence always make a proper choose after their serious discussing. Furthermore, if team members take part in the decision(,很好的过渡,学习了！） they will have a sense of fulfillment and belonging. Take Steven Jobs for（as） a（an）example, he took over a nearly bankrupt Apple and then lead their team design the ipads（不用复数吧）and iphones just because he accepted proper ideas from members.
Besides, as members also have to listen to the advices of their leader. The process of almost people become a leader is full of masses of difficulties and rough experiences, thus leaders own more highlight（highlighted） personality and strong energy（这个词表示精力，感觉不好） than common members. In the way, team members should listen to their leader’s advice when leaders put some mistakes or shortcoming. One of most well know instances is Gorge Barton general（将军要放到名字前面） and his soldiers, his soldiers listen to Barton and strive to finish orders so that his army win a wide array of wars.
Last but not least, just image what it would be like if a work team members do jobs only rely on their own ideas and ignore their colleagues’ or leaders’ thinking, the result is a case fails, the terrible relationship exist in among members and even the company suffer bankrupt. Nevertheless, listening to each other is a cornerstone of a team work. We can observe easily in the modern society that the dominant philosophy is “team work or the spirit of cooperation”. Admittedly, no one can deny the important role team members accept advices each other plays in the daily life.
Generally speaking, taking into account of all factors, I do strongly disagree that members do not listen to their colleagues and leaders. Nevertheless, I assert that a team work or a team leader have to listen to the advice of members. In this way, team spirit will be made and team work（前面是将来时这里也要用将来时表示可能性） makes a good effect on the company or the group.
整体感觉不错，错误也很少，但是建议举例子要稍微详细一点会更有说服力
作者: Yeeisstrong 时间: 2012-12-17 23:44
conanwang 非常感谢改正我的句子，改的很好~
作者: Yeeisstrong 时间: 2012-12-19 17:26
近几个小时太忙，有点事，昨天的作文我今天一定交和改完~不好意思
作者: Yeeisstrong 时间: 2012-12-19 22:19
18 December
Independent Writing: some people prefer to work at home while others would rather work in a company, which one would you like?
When we are discussing whether people are supposed to work at home or to work in a company, many people hold fast to their belief that people should work in a company. I am amazed when I hear people say so, since my opinion is quite the opposite – people who work in a company are in a dominant position. There are several reasons following my point of view.
To begin with, there is no doubt that efficiency plays a crucial role in the jobs. Company will support a proper schedule like that fix work time and relax time for person so that they can finish jobs more efficient. Furthermore, in the company leaders supervise your working condition and colleagues push you make a great promotion. However, people who work at home have to take care of mass things, for instance, children always cry and disturb workers, who have to put off their jobs are doing to look after children. In the end of the day, workers will find that they have do nothing just waste time and inefficient through the precious day. How terrible life!
Besides, Good relationship is a factor in determining of people’s success. People who work in the company make friends easily, such as colleagues and leaders. When you encounter some obctacles and difficulties, you could ask for your colleagues’ ideas and listen to your leaders’ views so that these difficulties are solved better. But if people stay their department or house, they will meet a series of problems in the work independently.
In the way, people usually won’t find a good way to solve the difficulties they have met.
Last but not least, people who leave home to company will through stories, see beautiful sky and breathe fresh air on the back and forth path. People have a good mood to enjoy their life and work and release their pressure. Moreover, if people walk to company everyday, they will exercise and own a strong body. Just image what would be like that everyday people stays in home and finish a large of jobs in the closed place, not only physical suffer from disease but also psychology will become depressed. Therefore, workers should go to company for their healthy.
Generally speaking, taking into account of all these factors, I do strongly disagree that people work at home benefit to their working condition. But I agree that people work in the company which is the best way of working to employees and employers.
作者: 1369179610 时间: 2012-12-19 22:51
When we are discussing whether people are supposed to work at home or to work in a company, many people hold fast to their belief that people should work in a company（at home）. I am amazed when I hear people say so, since my opinion is quite the opposite – people who work in a company are in a dominant position. There are several reasons following my point of view.（开头真的流畅啊~~~）
To begin with, there is no doubt that efficiency plays a crucial role in the jobs. Company will support a proper schedule like that fix work time and relax time for person（employees） so that they can finish jobs more efficiently. Furthermore, in the company leaders supervise your working condition and colleagues push you to make a great promotion. However, people who work at home have to take care of mass things, for instance, children always(may) cry suddenly and disturb workers, who have to put off their half-completed jobs are doing to look after children. In the end of the day, workers will find that they have done nothing just but waste time and behave inefficiently through the precious day. How terrible life!
Besides, Good relationship is a factor in determining of people’s success. People who work in the company make friends such as colleagues and leaders. easily, When you encounter some obctacles and difficulties, you could ask for your colleagues’ ideas and listen to your leaders’ views so that these difficulties are solved better. But if people stay in their departments or houses, they will meet a series of problems in the while they are working independently.
In the way, people usually won’t find a good way to solve the difficulties they have met.
Last but not least, people who leave home to company will through stories, see beautiful sky and breathe fresh air on the back and forth path(很棒的观点啊~). People have a good mood to enjoy their life and work and release their pressure. Moreover, if people walk to company everyday, they will exercise and own a strong body. Just image what would be like that everyday people stays in（at） home and finish a large part of jobs（assignments） in the closed place, not only physical suffer from disease but also psychology will become depressed. Therefore, workers should go to company for their healthy.
Generally speaking, taking into account of all these factors, I do strongly disagree that people work at home benefit to their working condition. But I agree that people work in the company which is the best way of working to employees and employers.
写的很不错啊~加油~ 可以请你也看看我的吗？
作者: txwilliam 时间: 2012-12-19 23:24
When we are discussing whether people aresupposed to work at home or to work in a company, many people hold fast totheir belief that people should work at home in a company. I am amazed when I hear people sayso, since my opinion is quite the opposite – people who work in a company arein a dominant position. There are several reasons following my point of view.
To begin with, there is no doubt that efficiencyplays a crucial role in the jobs. Company will support a proper schedule likethat fix work time and relax time for person so that they can finish jobs moreefficient. Furthermore, in the company leaders supervise your working conditionand colleagues push you make a great promotion. However, people who work athome have to take care of mass things, for instance, children always cry anddisturb workers, who have to put off their jobs are doing to look after children.In the end of the day, workers will find that they have do nothing just wastetime and inefficient through the precious day. How terrible life!
Besides, Good relationship is a factor in determining of people’s success. People who work in the company make friendseasily, such as colleagues and leaders. When you encounter some obctacles anddifficulties, you could ask for your colleagues’ ideas and listen to yourleaders’ views so that these difficulties are solved better. But if people staytheir department or house, they will meet a series of problems in the workindependently.
In the way, people usually won’t find a good wayto solve the difficulties they have met.
Last but not least, people who leave home to company will through stories, seebeautiful sky and breathe fresh air on the back and forth path. Peoplehave a good mood to enjoy their life and work and release their pressure.Moreover, if people walk to company every day, they will exercise and own astrong body. Just image what would be like that everyday people stays in homeand finish a large of jobs in the closed place, not only physical suffer fromdisease but also psychology will become depressed. Therefore, workers should goto company for their healthy.
Generally speaking, taking into account of allthese factors, I do strongly disagree that people work at home benefit to theirworking condition. But I protein that people work in the company which is thebest way of working to employees and employers.
文写的还是很好的，有一些小的细节，还要加油，逻辑很清晰，语言简练
三个点的承接和顺序到位，是一片很好的文章，语言地道
| 欢迎光临 ChaseDream (https://forum.chasedream.com/) |
Powered by Discuz! X3.3 |