jeffery我觉得你写的好好呀，我昨天也写过同样一篇
问一下你，你一般字数是多少啊，你这篇写了500多呢！！
-- by 会员 Suri在奋斗 (2012/8/20 9:07:19)
谢谢suri鼓励哦~其实我好久没写了，平时写应该400字左右吧~
昨天是第一次写，所以超时了，索性写太多了。。。。
-- by 会员 jeffery2541 (2012/8/20 12:21:46)
我们老师给了一个句酷批改网，你百度搜下就ok，每次作文都会打分
Future career success is perhaps the goalof most promising students. They are absorbed in studying at school toaccumulate power for reaching the goal. However, turning the knowledge intosuccess is not just about studying it hard. The skill of relating well topeople, a more crucial one, is certainly required. Personally, I assert thatrelating well to other people is more important than studying hard at school.
First and foremost, relating well to other people is essential for task to bedone. As long as you want to achieve success in your career, you'd better beserious with every task
that has been（删掉这个表达更好点吧） assigned to you. Not only should you accomplish them on time, but ahigher quality is also demanded by your supervisors. Admittedly, certainknowledge that you have leaned at school is required
，（；） but in practice, the accomplishment of tasks is not all about usingthe knowledge. Relating well to people carries more weight than knowledge. Forexample, you are assigned to write a report about how the employees in yourcompany think about the new policy that forbids faculty using cell phonesduring office hours. Certainly, the knowledge of how to conduct a survey isneeded, but if you can't relate well to other people, other employees will notbe frank to express their true opinions, or more pathetically you can't evenfind enough samples to prove the results of the survey, thereby disappointingyour boss. You will surely feel a sense of failure and probably not getpromoted. This is merely the easiest assignment you will confront, but thesignificance of relating to other people is obvious.
Moreover, even though studying hard at school is necessary for people to obtainenough professional knowledge about certain future career, it is the viarelating well to other people that turn such knowledge useful and make suchknowledge worthy, and relating well to other people is one important steptowards performing cooperatively and the symbol of teamwork. As we all can see,people with good knowledge are prone to be much more independent and overlyconfident about themselves, leading to less communication with others and morearbitrary decisions. Once such people have presumed such behavior, they willface a not very satisfying outcome or even a total failure. Such is mostlybeing seen during the decision-making process. If one manager is the kind ofperson I described previously, he will surely miss significant information thatcould have been acquired through relating well to others and talk to them, andfail to consider compelling factors that may affect the issue. Thus, suchdecisions without careful examination will directly lead to negative resultsthat they can't even imagine. The success of career is disappearing along withthe rude decision.
Generally, to achieve future success, we'd better master the skill of relatingwell to others so that we can work cooperatively to make full use of ourknowledge,
since success is based on studying hardbut accumulates with the cooperation of people you are relating well to.(你想表达两者都要还是只需要accumulates,前者的话应该not only, but also，后者的话也应该是not… but..)楼主写的很好，结构清晰，错误很少，有些表达很精妙，有些我也不太清楚这样的表达是否合适，我都是通过中文来揣测意思，我水平有限，可能无法提供过多帮助，楼主可以请其他大牛来帮忙看看~~抱歉了~~
楼主加油哈~~
-- by 会员 freddychan (2012/8/24 18:02:21)
嘿嘿~~太谢谢啦！一觉醒来就看到啦~
那个background我用错了，其实我是想表达背影的，刚才又查了一下，可以是view of his back。
那个in the good way我是想说在好的方面，至于是the还是a当时我也犹豫了一下，不过感觉我写the能强调一下是好的方面不是不好的方面。
那些主谓一致错的好白痴啊~~~
还有那个关于结构的建议，我怎么看不到啊？
9.1 独立修改 蓝色good 黄色需修改 红色我改的 绿色批注建议Successful persons are somehow unique, and we can easily tell them from ordinary people. Every time we see president Obama on TV, we can recognize him from even his background[是不是想说总统这个身份？是的话，这个词不是很适当，用identity 之类的可能还好点，仅供参考哈] for his appropriate behavior. Even though he is like hundreds of Yale graduates, it is his distinctions that make him a successful president. Thus, if you want to succeed, you'd better be more different from others, in the good way[有这种用法么，好像有 in a good way可以讨论下],than be like others.【挺好的，立场明确】First and foremost, being different from others means having a unique vision. A different vision directly leads to a different result. What you can see through the facts decides what you do about them. A unique vision is definitely of great help for you to be successful. In a particular situation, success means the ability to solve the problems that others can't solve. Always, the solution comes right after what you've seen through the unique vision. I still remember that my favorite comedian Jim Carrey has[注意时态]unfortunately broke one of his teeth in the middle into half in an car accident. For an actor, such damage to his appearance will certainly affect his acting career,[and] his agent [was] worried about this and his fans also concerned about him. However, he ultimately decided to keep the half teeth[这里是不是应该用tooth？]where it belonged and didn't fix [it]. What he saw from the accident and the half teeth is purely a chance for his career to take off again, because he considered the half teeth was rightly what a comedian needed, thus adding more fun to his movie and pushing his career to a new height. Conclusively, having a unique vision do[does] help you more to be successful.Moreover, being distinct from others denotes thinking more about the world around us to find the buried chances leading you towards success. If you want to be successful, you'd better be familiar with the world you are dealing with. Our world is full of possibilities, but most of them are buried not under the ground but under the words of empiricists. If you want to know something about the world, asking for others' opinions is a choice, but to discover by yourself can work out a more suitable result. Back in the history, Marco Polo set on a journey to ancient China to see what on earth the other part of the world was rather than just heard about the folktales about the magic east. He is successful in that he have[has] seen a different world and brought spice, silk, china and most importantly noodles back to Europe, which has considerably changed Europeans' way of life. If he just stayed at home instead, he would never make a successful voyager.To sum up, success calls for uniqueness of vision and behavior. Being similar to most people can only make you equally normal. Success is not about replicating and copying but creating and innovating.[这个总结非常好，感觉上建议replicating 等这几个动词改用名词形式。]
【这篇文章立场明确，结构很清晰，每一段都有例子来论证自己的观点，非常好。用词也非常好，如果有些词像 can、you’d better do 之类的再多换另一些词就更好了，学习了。还要注意的就是一些简单的语法问题，主谓一致之类的。还有，从这篇文章的结构上来说，建议有第三点。
有问题可以来找我讨论o~~】-- by 会员 ykhjy (2012/9/2 13:24:43)
-- by 会员 jeffery2541 (2012/9/2 13:48:25)
哈哈，原来如此。关于结构，我的意思是整篇文章来看，一般都有1、2、3，三个point，其实你写的这俩段的确已经挺好了，加个第三段只是觉得更完整。
嘿嘿~~太谢谢啦！一觉醒来就看到啦~
那个background我用错了，其实我是想表达背影的，刚才又查了一下，可以是view of his back。
那个in the good way我是想说在好的方面，至于是the还是a当时我也犹豫了一下，不过感觉我写the能强调一下是好的方面不是不好的方面。
那些主谓一致错的好白痴啊~~~
还有那个关于结构的建议，我怎么看不到啊？
9.1 独立修改 蓝色good 黄色需修改 红色我改的 绿色批注建议Successful persons are somehow unique, and we can easily tell them from ordinary people. Every time we see president Obama on TV, we can recognize him from even his background[是不是想说总统这个身份？是的话，这个词不是很适当，用identity 之类的可能还好点，仅供参考哈] for his appropriate behavior. Even though he is like hundreds of Yale graduates, it is his distinctions that make him a successful president. Thus, if you want to succeed, you'd better be more different from others, in the good way[有这种用法么，好像有 in a good way可以讨论下],than be like others.【挺好的，立场明确】First and foremost, being different from others means having a unique vision. A different vision directly leads to a different result. What you can see through the facts decides what you do about them. A unique vision is definitely of great help for you to be successful. In a particular situation, success means the ability to solve the problems that others can't solve. Always, the solution comes right after what you've seen through the unique vision. I still remember that my favorite comedian Jim Carrey has[注意时态]unfortunately broke one of his teeth in the middle into half in an car accident. For an actor, such damage to his appearance will certainly affect his acting career,[and] his agent [was] worried about this and his fans also concerned about him. However, he ultimately decided to keep the half teeth[这里是不是应该用tooth？]where it belonged and didn't fix [it]. What he saw from the accident and the half teeth is purely a chance for his career to take off again, because he considered the half teeth was rightly what a comedian needed, thus adding more fun to his movie and pushing his career to a new height. Conclusively, having a unique vision do[does] help you more to be successful.Moreover, being distinct from others denotes thinking more about the world around us to find the buried chances leading you towards success. If you want to be successful, you'd better be familiar with the world you are dealing with. Our world is full of possibilities, but most of them are buried not under the ground but under the words of empiricists. If you want to know something about the world, asking for others' opinions is a choice, but to discover by yourself can work out a more suitable result. Back in the history, Marco Polo set on a journey to ancient China to see what on earth the other part of the world was rather than just heard about the folktales about the magic east. He is successful in that he have[has] seen a different world and brought spice, silk, china and most importantly noodles back to Europe, which has considerably changed Europeans' way of life. If he just stayed at home instead, he would never make a successful voyager.To sum up, success calls for uniqueness of vision and behavior. Being similar to most people can only make you equally normal. Success is not about replicating and copying but creating and innovating.[这个总结非常好，感觉上建议replicating 等这几个动词改用名词形式。]
【这篇文章立场明确，结构很清晰，每一段都有例子来论证自己的观点，非常好。用词也非常好，如果有些词像 can、you’d better do 之类的再多换另一些词就更好了，学习了。还要注意的就是一些简单的语法问题，主谓一致之类的。还有，从这篇文章的结构上来说，建议有第三点。 有问题可以来找我讨论o~~】-- by 会员 ykhjy (2012/9/2 13:24:43)
-- by 会员 jeffery2541 (2012/9/2 13:48:25)
-- by 会员 ykhjy (2012/9/2 16:12:46)
