ChaseDream

标题: GWinner的写作作业^^求一路进步! 求各位NN前辈们不吝拍砖赐教!! [打印本页]
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-1 17:31
标题: GWinner的写作作业^^求一路进步! 求各位NN前辈们不吝拍砖赐教!!
8.1开始准备8.26二战!!! 求25+!!!!!!

以下开始作业贴~求各位NN前辈们不吝拍砖赐教!!

ChaseDreamer们感谢申请备战一路有你~~~~~^^
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-1 17:33
8.1 写作小分队作业
If you need to discuss upsetting or controversial problems with others, you will use e-mail or text messaging，OR use the telephone or voice-messaging.
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思路:

[第一段:支持]Writing可以不受情绪干扰, 理性面对争议

E.g. 反面例子支持, 宿舍舍友一起做group work的时候用meeting的形式不仅导致作业延迟上交, 还影响了舍友之间的友谊

[第二段:支持]Writing可以表达口头上不好表达的一些东西

E.g. 写信给爸爸鼓励父母和好, 口头上表达会容易尴尬, 也容易造成冲突

[第三段:让步]Verbal更及时的传递信息, 但是以信息的精准度和悦耳度下降作为牺牲

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Whether people should use the writing method by e-mail or text messages or the verbal way by telephone to solve controversial problems with others is relatively a subject of discussion as writing can provide us time to consider use of attitude and words whereas through a telephone people can reach the person who they want to persuade as quickly as possible. To agree or disagree with the statement that problems can be better solved by either way is a matter of balancing its pros and cons. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she may prefer to write as I do.

The foremost reason for me to support the writing way is that writing can prevent people from being affected by the emotion produced during the discussion. If one chooses to directly talk to the opponent, he or she might feel difficult to stay concentrate on the controversial issue but easily focus on the victory of verbal fighting either because they loose the control of their own emotion or as a result of being badly influenced by the attitude of the opponent. One of my personal experiences of this is a discussion in my dormitory. We are assigned a report to finish it together. However, each of us held different opinion to distribute the task. After several group meeting with no agreement reached but only dispute, not only our final report missed the deadline, the friendship between room members is also destroyed. By contrast, e-mails and messages can avoid your worry of dispute and losing of concentration. Writers are provided with enough time to consider his or her expression and use of words without others’ disturb. Therefore the exchange of opinions and views can be protected to be more effective and accurate.

Another factor that should not be ignored is that it is easier for people to express themselves through writing. That is, compared with words, verbal communication is sometimes limited because of potential embarrassing. Most of the time, people will feel more relaxed and comfortable to express themselves and understand others’ opinions through words. This point reminds me of the letter I wrote to my dad when he quarreled with my mom. To show my feeling of their carp and also to show my respect to him, I carefully selected the words used in the letter and implicitly encourage him to make an apology to my mom. Sooner after the deliver of my letter, my parents became reconciled. Till now, I still cannot image what the disaster would be like if I chose to talk to my father directly at that time without the letter’s help, since I am really not good at orally expression myself.

At last, I have admitted that it can not be deny that telephone and other voice-methods benefit people in some cases. For instance, when manager in a company has some tasks requiring immediately resolved, the best way for him to inform and assign the task is through telephone, because e-mail and text messages is unavoidable to delay and whether receivers can get the mail in time can not be ensured. In this case, verbal method is necessary to guarantee the reach of information and therefore can boost the working efficiency. However, the accuracy and the comfortable expression of the information are sacrificed for exchange.

Taking into account all these factors that have been discussed above, I am fully convinced that writing is relatively a better way when suffering controversial problems with others at most situations. Consequently, in order to smoothly reach the final agreement, it seems highly advisable for disputants to carefully list their points and modestly read others’ views on paper.
作者: kchszy061ban    时间: 2012-8-2 10:53
蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误
Whether people should use the writing method by e-mail or text messages or the verbal way by telephone to solve controversial problems with others is relatively a subject of discussion as writing can provide us time to consider use of attitudes and words whereas through a telephone people can reach the person who they want to persuade as quickly as possible.(感觉这句太长还是分开一下的好) To agree or disagree with the statement that problems can be better solved by either way is a matter of balancing its pros and cons. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she may prefer to write as I do.

The foremost reason for me to support the writing way is that writing can prevent people from being affected by the emotion produced during the discussion. If one chooses to directly talk to the opponent, he or she might feel difficult to stay concentrate on the controversial issue but easily focus on the victory of verbal fighting either because they loose the control of their own emotion or as a result of being badly influenced by the attitude of the opponent. One of my personal experiences of this is a discussion in my dormitory. We are assigned a report to finish it together. However, each of us held different opinions to distribute the task. After several group meeting with no agreement reached but only dispute, not only our final report missed the deadline, the friendship between room members is also destroyed. By contrast, e-mails and messages can avoid your worry of dispute and losing of concentration. Writers are provided with enough time to consider his or her expression and use of words without others’ disturb. Therefore the exchange of opinions and views can be protected to be more effective and accurate.

Another factor that should not be ignored is that it is easier for people to express themselves through writing. That is, compared with words, verbal（这里不知是有误还是我理解错了，audio？） communication is sometimes limited because of potential embarrassing. Most of the time, people will feel more relaxed and comfortable to express themselves and understand others’ opinions through words. This point reminds me of the letter I wrote to my dad when he quarreled with my mom. To show my feeling of their carp and also to show my respect to him, I carefully selected the words used in the letter and implicitly encourage him to make an apology to my mom. Sooner after the deliver of my letter, my parents became reconciled. Till now, I still cannot image what the disaster would be like if I chose to talk to my father directly at that time without the letter’s help, since I am really not good at orally expression myself.

At last, I have admitted（这个直接用I admit不好么） that it can not be deny（这里用过去式？） that telephone and other voice-methods benefit people in some cases. For instance, when （a 或者直接用复数）manager in a company has some tasks requiring immediately resolved, the best way for him to inform and assign the task is through telephone, because e-mail and text messages is unavoidable to delay and whether receivers can get the mail in time can not be ensured. In this case, verbal method is necessary to guarantee the reach of information and therefore can boost the working efficiency. However, the accuracy and the comfortable expression of the information are sacrificed for exchange.（这里强调一下upsetting or controversial 的topic来突出下主题会更好了）

Taking into account all these factors that have been discussed above, I am fully convinced that writing is relatively a better way when suffering controversial problems with others at most situations. Consequently, in order to smoothly reach the final agreement, it seems highly advisable for disputants to carefully list their points and modestly read others’ views on paper.
你独立都是GOOD了，多练综合才好啊。独立能写这么多字都不错了啊。
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-2 11:14
蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误
Whether people should use the writing method by e-mail or text messages or the verbal way by telephone to solve controversial problems with others is relatively a subject of discussion as writing can provide us time to consider use of attitudes and words whereas through a telephone people can reach the person who they want to persuade as quickly as possible.(感觉这句太长还是分开一下的好) To agree or disagree with the statement that problems can be better solved by either way is a matter of balancing its pros and cons. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she may prefer to write as I do.

The foremost reason for me to support the writing way is that writing can prevent people from being affected by the emotion produced during the discussion. If one chooses to directly talk to the opponent, he or she might feel difficult to stay concentrate on the controversial issue but easily focus on the victory of verbal fighting either because they loose the control of their own emotion or as a result of being badly influenced by the attitude of the opponent. One of my personal experiences of this is a discussion in my dormitory. We are assigned a report to finish it together. However, each of us held different opinions to distribute the task. After several group meeting with no agreement reached but only dispute, not only our final report missed the deadline, the friendship between room members is also destroyed. By contrast, e-mails and messages can avoid your worry of dispute and losing of concentration. Writers are provided with enough time to consider his or her expression and use of words without others’ disturb. Therefore the exchange of opinions and views can be protected to be more effective and accurate.

Another factor that should not be ignored is that it is easier for people to express themselves through writing. That is, compared with words, verbal（这里不知是有误还是我理解错了，audio？） communication is sometimes limited because of potential embarrassing. Most of the time, people will feel more relaxed and comfortable to express themselves and understand others’ opinions through words. This point reminds me of the letter I wrote to my dad when he quarreled with my mom. To show my feeling of their carp and also to show my respect to him, I carefully selected the words used in the letter and implicitly encourage him to make an apology to my mom. Sooner after the deliver of my letter, my parents became reconciled. Till now, I still cannot image what the disaster would be like if I chose to talk to my father directly at that time without the letter’s help, since I am really not good at orally expression myself.

At last, I have admitted（这个直接用I admit不好么） that it can not be deny（这里用过去式？） that telephone and other voice-methods benefit people in some cases. For instance, when （a 或者直接用复数）manager in a company has some tasks requiring immediately resolved, the best way for him to inform and assign the task is through telephone, because e-mail and text messages is unavoidable to delay and whether receivers can get the mail in time can not be ensured. In this case, verbal method is necessary to guarantee the reach of information and therefore can boost the working efficiency. However, the accuracy and the comfortable expression of the information are sacrificed for exchange.（这里强调一下upsetting or controversial 的topic来突出下主题会更好了）

Taking into account all these factors that have been discussed above, I am fully convinced that writing is relatively a better way when suffering controversial problems with others at most situations. Consequently, in order to smoothly reach the final agreement, it seems highly advisable for disputants to carefully list their points and modestly read others’ views on paper.
你独立都是GOOD了，多练综合才好啊。独立能写这么多字都不错了啊。
-- by 会员 kchszy061ban (2012/8/2 10:53:58)



一个fair一个good应该不止22分才对 估计是独立这个good比较水 还需要再练练才行> <...
虽然字数多 可是感觉语句神马的实在不够精炼 也没有什么感觉写的很出彩的句子 所以还需要积累才是~
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-2 15:15
8.2 写作小分队作业
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is often not a good thing to move to a new city or a new country because of the lose of old friends
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思路:
[第一段:让步]远距离有时确实会对友情又不好的影响
                         E.g. 女孩儿通过一起shopping来增进感情, 而远距离不能做这些互动, 所以会影响感情
[第二段:反对]技术发展有利于友情的维系
                         E.g.高科技使得通讯得到发展, 如QQ,Skype等, 便于朋友们交流感情
[第三段:反对]新的环境可以结交新的朋友
                         E.g.原来不喜欢摇滚, 后来接触到了喜欢摇滚的朋友, 对此有了了解, 也逐渐喜欢了
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Whether moving to a new city would have a negative effect on one’s social circle and old friendships is relatively a subject of discussion, as such a long distance could act as a huge threaten to friendship, whereas it seems nothing can destroy a solid friendship. To agree or disagree with the title statement is a matter of balancing its pros and cons. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might disagree with the opinion as I do.


At the very beginning, I have to admit that an extremely long geographical distance can more or less affect a relationship. Many interactive activities between friends can act as an essential role in enhancing the emotion between people. For example, girls are all interested in shopping, which is one of the main compositions of friendship between girls. Through shopping together, girls cultivate common dressing style and communicating during the shopping can even bring them common value. As a result, girls usually shopping together will have similar treatment towards things around them, have more common interest to talk with, and therefore, their friendship are cultivated and enhanced. Long distance can be a obstacle for people to do any interactive activities and thereby prevent the growth of friendship.


However, the development of high-technology makes this kind of challenging for the friendship a little bit different. Birth of mobile phone, common use of computers, and the fast advancing transportation narrow the physical distance between friends and enable them to contact with each other more frequently. Take the people who go abroad for example. Several years ago, communication cross the national border is not that convenient. E-mail and long-distance telephone were the fastest way for people in different countries to communicate. The delay of email and the expensive cost of phone mean that connecting every day was only a dream. Different from the past, nowadays there are many methods that are available for people to choose. Online communicator such as Skype and QQ, variable mobile phone software using free wifi, and the convenient and low priced transportation all benefit those long-distance friends and lovers a lot. They are enabled to share each other’s feelings without delay, and can even work out solutions when one of them gets in trouble. The distance is almost likely to be eliminated!



Another factor that should not be ignored is the building of new social circle. If a person rejects to move to a new place because of worrying his or her old friends, he will loose the opportunity to extent his own networking and meet some new friends. There is a saying goes that “every friend is a teacher for you.” Finding more new friends, therefore, usually bring you new skills, new attitude and new values towards the world and profound your vision as well. Friends’ interest can always affect each other and finally become the common interest of the two people. For instance, I used to have little interest in the rock music. After entering the university and met Swally, who is a fan of rock & roll, I began to listen to songs in this category and find the fascination inside them. I am half a rock fan now. Sometimes I even scream and jump for some rock group together with Swally!



Taking all these factors discussed above into discussion, I am fully convincing that the worry of friendship being affected by the long distance is no longer necessary. Consequently, it is even highly advisable to suggest that, at the same time to enhance old friendship, people should also grasp the chance and pay attention to cultivate new relationship when moving to a new environment in order to improve themselves.
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-3 16:22
W1998大神通过QQ帮忙改了作文 感激涕零 收获甚多！ 贴在这里以明志！！！

<第一段模板 第二三四段中国式英语>灰常中肯 以后还许多多积累！！
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Whether moving to a new city would have a negative effect on one’s social circle and old friendships is relatively a subject of discussion, as such a long distance could act as a huge threaten(这个是动词） to friendship, whereas it seems nothing can destroy a solid friendship. To agree or disagree with the title statement is a matter of balancing its pros and cons. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might disagree with the opinion as I do.

At the very beginning, I have to admit that an extremely long geographical distance can more or less affect a relationship（一般第一句开始直接就可以表明自己观点，如果你想说距离是问题的话不要用have to，我换成个句子，admittedly, long physical distance may cause individuals much inconvenient to communicate with each other than face to face. ）. (Many去掉)(such interactive activities between friends is a way that can act as an essential role in enhancing the emotion（emotion怎么加强？我认为可以用communication，或者别的，friendship等） between people（individuals）. For example, girls are all interested in shopping, which is one of the main compositions of（这个没看懂在讲什么，我觉得这个词用的不是很好。） friendship between girls. Through shopping together, girls cultivate common dressing style and communicating during the shopping can even bring them common value. As a result, girls usually shopping together will have similar treatment towards things around them, have more common interest to talk with（interest 不能用 talk with）, and therefore, their friendship are cultivated and enhanced. Long distance can be a obstacle for people to do any interactive activities and thereby prevent the growth of friendship.

However, the development of high-technology makes this kind of challenging（challenge of把for 去掉） for the friendship a little bit different. Thanks to the Birth of mobile phone, common use of computers, and the fast advancing transportation which offset the problems caused by the physical distance （narrow the physical distance） between friends and enable them to contact with each other more frequently. Take the people who go abroad for example. Several years ago, communication cross the national border is not that convenient. E-mail and long-distance telephone were the fastest way for people in different countries to communicate. The delay of email and the expensive cost of phone mean that connecting every day was only a dream. Different from the past, nowadays there are many（作文中最好不要用many，换成 a variety， 或者numerous） methods that are available for people to choose. Online communicator such as Skype and QQ, variable mobile phone software using free wifi, and the convenient and low priced transportation all benefit those long-distance friends and lovers a lot. They are enabled to share each other’s feelings without delay, and can even work out solutions when one of them gets in trouble. The distance is almost likely to be eliminated!

Another factor that should not be ignored is (that moving to a new place can offer us much more opportunities to construct new relationships with others这样说比较舒服）. If a person rejects to move to a new place because of worrying about the relationship between his or her old friends（本句你想表达的是关系，而不是纯粹的担心朋友的安慰吧？）, he will loose（lose） the opportunity to extent his own （networking？这个networking啥意思？关系网么？） political patronages or financial assistance from friends play a crucial role in the future on the way being successful . There is a saying goes that “every friend is a teacher for you.” Finding more new friends, therefore, usually bring you new skills, new attitude and new values towards the world and profound（widen） your vision as well. Friends’ interest （can always用can用的太多就不好了，你直接用also挺好） affect each other and finally become the common interest of the two people. For instance, I used to have little interest in the rock music. After entering the university and met Swally, who is a fan of rock & roll, I began to listen to songs in this category and were addict to the songs（find the fascination inside them去掉）. I am half a rock fan now. Sometimes I even scream and jump for some rock group together with Swally!

Taking all these factors discussed above into discussion（consideration）, I am fully convincing that the worry of friendship being affected by the long distance is no longer necessary. Consequently, it is even highly advisable to suggest that, at the same time to enhance old friendship, people should also grasp the chance and pay attention to cultivate new relationship when moving to a new environment in order to improve themselves.
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-3 16:26
8.3 综合作文 TPO1
上次考综合只得了Fair..求各位狠批！！！
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The lecture and the reading passage give contradictory opinions on the whether a policy which requires companies to allow their employees to schedule their own working time, five-day work or four-day work with a lower salary. The author explains that implementing the policy will certainly benefit both the company and employees, while the lecturer provides several counterarguments to this view.

The professor refutes the first point of the author that giving employees the option would boost the profit of the company. He points out that this planning can be actually more costly instead. Firstly, as the lower of working time per employee would bring a larger number of new comers, the company will face an expensive cost to provide training for them. What’s more, more employees also means the increasing demand of computers and other office equipments, which will also cause a higher expend.

The lecturer also doubt whether the implement of the policy will result in a lower employment rate, which, however, is strongly believed by the author. The professor reasons that, when working time is shorter, managers will feel that their present labors are not enough to assist the company to achieve the business goal. When tasks can not be finished, they will force the employees to work overtime. As a result, employees’ expectation will not be matched, and they will still work 4 hours instead of 5.

The author’s third opinion, which demonstrates that the policy is better for individual employees, is not supported by the professor either. What the lecturer believes is that, since the choice of those employees who decided to work four hours everyday does not please their superior, this group of employee would become the first ones who loss their job as well as the last ones who get the chance of promotion. Therefore, the stability of their job can be lowered, which will result in a higher risk and a lower quality of their life.
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-3 16:28
8.3 独立作文
[这篇是以前写过的 没有谨遵W1998大神教诲..仍然生拉硬拽的用了开头模板...继续求狠批> <!!!]
Parents should help children to do their work or encourage children to do their work independently
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思路:
[第一段:让步]通过帮助孩子,父母可以更好的了解孩子的学习情况并及时实施措施
                  E.g. 父母可以及时看到孩子的写情况, 并且决定是不是要及时给孩子买字帖
[第二段:反对]只能解近渴不能解远忧, 制造作业优秀的假象, 其实影响孩子的学习和智力发育
                  E.g.姐姐的丈夫总是帮助孩子完成作业, 结果孩子的考试成绩和作业成绩相差甚远
[第三段:反对]影响孩子的独立生活+思考能力
                  E.g.母亲总为孩子包好鸡蛋, 结果孩子远行不会吃鸡蛋
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Whether parents should help their children finish their home work is relatively a subject of discussion as with parents’ help children would get a higher grade of their work whereas the help can also weaken children’s ability to be independent. To agree or disagree with the statement is a matter of balancing between its pros and cons. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might agree with the title statement as I do.

To begin with, I have to admit that it might be true that parents can know their children better about what and how they are learning by helping them with their work. Checking home works, for example, can enable parents to find out how their child’s handwriting is and whether they need to buy child some exercise books to improve their writing. Besides, they can also point out some mistakes form child’s work and talk with their child about them, by which parents can locate the problem and difficulties of child’s learning and help solve in time.

However, helps of homework may attribute to solve the present problem, but does little to solve future ones. In the first place, if children get used to asking their parents for help of their work, they may become weak of thinking and solving problems independently, which is harmful to their absorb of new knowledge, and further, their mental growth. Take the children of one of my older sisters for example. Because the husband of my sister always sits next to their son when he is doing home works, their son has never finished works by himself. The result is easily to imagine. As this boy can not get help form his father during examinations, the results of his exams are surprisingly poor, which are striking contrast with his home work grade.

What’s more, if children get used to seek for help from their parents, their ability of independence would be limited. Many years later, they may grow to be people who are always hesitating in making decision without others’ suggestion and persuasion. Take an exaggerate story for example. There is a child whose mother helps him peel eggs every time. When he grows up and leaves his mother to a removed place, he find that eggs there are all hard and he does not know how to eat them! This example might be too exaggerated to be realistic. However, every child will leave their parents one day. In order to ensure that they can take care of themselves, parents should do some thing, actually avoid to do some thing, to cultivate their children’s ability of thinking alone. Rejecting to help with their home work might be a good start.

Taking all these factors that have been discussed above, I am fully convinced that parents should refute to provide any help when their children are doing school works. Further, it seems highly advisable for parents to encourage children to finish those works by themselves and pay attention to cultivate the independence from childhood.
作者: kchszy061ban    时间: 2012-8-4 18:03
蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

The lecture and the reading passage give contradictory opinions on the whether a policy which requires companies to allow their employees to schedule their own working time, five-day work（感觉这里加一个逗号比较好，不然总觉得有歧义） or four-day work with a lower salary. The author explains that implementing the policy will certainly benefit both the company and employees, while the lecturer provides several counterarguments to this view.

The professor refutes the first point of the author that giving employees the option would boost the profit of the company. He points out that this planning can be actually more costly instead. Firstly, as the lower of working time per employee would bring a larger number of new comers, the company will face an expensive cost to provide training for them（还有一个就是买保险什么的了，然后就是医疗保险的费用是一样的）. What’s more, more employees also means the increasing demand of computers and other office equipments, which will also cause a higher expend.

The lecturer also doubts whether the implement of the policy will result in a lower employment rate, which, however, is strongly believed by the author. The professor reasons that, when working time is shorter, managers will feel that their present labors are not enough to assist the company to achieve the business goal. When tasks can not be finished, they will force the employees to work overtime. As a result, employees’ expectation will not be matched, and they will still work 4 hours instead of 5.（句式没有什么问题，就是听力的内容不是很完整和具体，嘿嘿）

The author’s third opinion, which demonstrates that the policy is better for individual employees, is not supported by the professor either. What the lecturer believes is that, since the choice of those employees who decided to work four hours everyday does not please their superior, this group of employee would become the first ones who loss their job as well as the last ones who get the chance of promotion. Therefore, the stability of their job can be lowered, which will result in a higher risk and a lower quality of their life.

整体没有什么问题，就是听力的要点加上就好一些。
作者: kchszy061ban    时间: 2012-8-4 18:13
蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

Whether parents should help their children finish their home work is relatively a subject of discussion as with parents’ help children would get a higher grade of their work whereas the help can also weaken children’s ability to be independent. To agree or disagree with the statement is a matter of balancing between its pros and cons. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might agree with the title statement as I do.

To begin with, I have to admit that it might be true that parents can know their children better about what and how they are learning by helping them with their work. Checking home works, for example, can enable parents to find out how their child’s handwriting is and whether they need to buy child some exercise books to improve their writing. Besides, they can also point out some mistakes form child’s work and talk with their child about them, by which parents can locate the problems and difficulties of child’s learning and help solve (these questions) in time.

However, helps of homework may attribute to solve the present problems, but does little to solve future ones. In the first place, if children get used to asking their parents for help of their work, they may become weak of thinking and solving problems independently, which is harmful to their absorb of new knowledge, and further, their mental growth. Take the children of one of my older sisters for example. Because the husband of my sister always sits next to their son when he is doing home works, their son has never finished works by himself. The result is easily to imagine. As this boy can not get help form his father during examinations, the results of his exams are surprisingly poor, which are striking contrast with his home work grade.(其实这个论点和例子结合的不是很好)

What’s more, if children get used to seek for help from their parents, their ability of independence would be limited. Many years later, they may grow to be people who are always hesitating in making decision without others’ suggestion and persuasion. Take an exaggerate story for example. There is a child whose mother helps him peel eggs every time. When he grows up and leaves his mother to a removed place, he find that eggs there are all hard and he does not know how to eat them! This example might be too exaggerated to be realistic. However, every child will leave their parents one day. In order to ensure that they can take care of themselves, parents should do some thing, actually avoid to do some thing, to cultivate their children’s ability of thinking alone. Rejecting to help with their home work might be a good start.

Taking all these factors that have been discussed above, I am fully convinced that parents should refute to provide any help when their children are doing school works. Further, it seems highly advisable for parents to encourage children to finish those works by themselves and pay attention to cultivate the independence from childhood.

楼主的作文已经很不错，接下来进一步的改进就好了额。另外就是例子要丰富一些，具体一些。
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-4 18:50
蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

Whether parents should help their children finish their home work is relatively a subject of discussion as with parents’ help children would get a higher grade of their work whereas the help can also weaken children’s ability to be independent. To agree or disagree with the statement is a matter of balancing between its pros and cons. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might agree with the title statement as I do.

To begin with, I have to admit that it might be true that parents can know their children better about what and how they are learning by helping them with their work. Checking home works, for example, can enable parents to find out how their child’s handwriting is and whether they need to buy child some exercise books to improve their writing. Besides, they can also point out some mistakes form child’s work and talk with their child about them, by which parents can locate the problems and difficulties of child’s learning and help solve (these questions) in time.

However, helps of homework may attribute to solve the present problems, but does little to solve future ones. In the first place, if children get used to asking their parents for help of their work, they may become weak of thinking and solving problems independently, which is harmful to their absorb of new knowledge, and further, their mental growth. Take the children of one of my older sisters for example. Because the husband of my sister always sits next to their son when he is doing home works, their son has never finished works by himself. The result is easily to imagine. As this boy can not get help form his father during examinations, the results of his exams are surprisingly poor, which are striking contrast with his home work grade.(其实这个论点和例子结合的不是很好)

What’s more, if children get used to seek for help from their parents, their ability of independence would be limited. Many years later, they may grow to be people who are always hesitating in making decision without others’ suggestion and persuasion. Take an exaggerate story for example. There is a child whose mother helps him peel eggs every time. When he grows up and leaves his mother to a removed place, he find that eggs there are all hard and he does not know how to eat them! This example might be too exaggerated to be realistic. However, every child will leave their parents one day. In order to ensure that they can take care of themselves, parents should do some thing, actually avoid to do some thing, to cultivate their children’s ability of thinking alone. Rejecting to help with their home work might be a good start.

Taking all these factors that have been discussed above, I am fully convinced that parents should refute to provide any help when their children are doing school works. Further, it seems highly advisable for parents to encourage children to finish those works by themselves and pay attention to cultivate the independence from childhood.

楼主的作文已经很不错，接下来进一步的改进就好了额。另外就是例子要丰富一些，具体一些。
-- by 会员 kchszy061ban (2012/8/4 18:13:03)



表示想例子无力阿> <而且我一描述例子就各种啰嗦!!! 巴拉巴拉写一大堆还说不清楚...看来需要练习叙事能力了> <~~
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-4 18:50
8.4 综合 TPO 2

感觉这篇听力听得不是特别清楚...感觉最后他说的呼噜呼噜就过去了.....大家都是怎么记笔记的呢> <
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The lecture and the reading passage give contradictory opinions on whether assembling a group of people into a team can really benefit the company when approaching certain new project. Rejecting what the author suggests, the lecturer lists three points as the disadvantages of group working.



The professor first points out a surprising finding of the research mentioned in the lecture that all the team members did not try their best to contribute at all. The reasons of this kind of confusing behavior is that, since the team will be rewarded or criticized as a whole, those talented and skilled members’ willing to work hard is weakened because their own name will not be made specially when being rewarded. Getting the reward same with other members who did not contribute that much can make them feel unfair.



The author’s demonstration that the team will lead to a more quickly work is refused by the professor too. As more people will enlarge the number of suggestions, more meetings and discussions are required to analysis and judging each of these proposals. Therefore, the professor believes that working in a team will take a long time for all the members to reach consensus and decrease the efficiency.



At last, the professor contradicts the possibility of the creative solution and the chance for members to “shine”. Researchers in the experiment found that the creative ideas are usually ignored. Once the creative opinion is proposed, since the creativity always related to a larger potential to fail and blame for the failure of the solution will be placed on all members, the influencers of the team would warn the team about its risk, which finally make all the members ignore the opinion. The chance for individuals to “shine” is lost at the same time.
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-4 18:52
8.4 独立
For future career success, is relate well to other people more important than studying hard at school?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
思路:

[第一段:支持]很少有那种不需要接触外界的工作, 很多工作都需要与人接触, 这一能力不是从书本中可以学到的
          E.g. salesman
[第二段:支持]团队协作的重要性被越来越多的强调, 不会团队合作的人没有前途
              E.g. 名校毕业,不会与人合作,得不到晋升
[第三段:让步]不是说努力学习不重要, 机会只给有准备的人  
               E.g. 如果技术和知识不过硬, 那么在团队中提不出有建设性的意见, 只能打酱油
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whether the ability to deal with social interaction or a higher grade in school should be considered a much more decisive factor when judging the potential of a person’s success in career has became a relative subject of discussion. The increasingly essential role of teamwork played in the office and the basic role of the working skills make it difficult for people to select the winner between the two. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might agree with the title statement as I do.

At the very beginning, nobody can deny the trend that more and more working positions began to require the employee to equip a strong ability to contact with people. That is, you can hardly to find any job which purely requests the employee to do researches in the close-door environment. Equipping only with the knowledge learned in the universities and a high grade is no longer enough for a person to reach the standard of an employer and his or her job. Take salesmen for example. If a person refused to communicate with the outside world and feel shame to express his eager about the target selling product, knowledge from book can not help him to sell a single product. Even if he can get an A+ in the final examination, he is not the right employee that the company that majors in promotion wants. Not knowing the rule of social interaction can be a huge obstacle on a person’s career road.

The second reason, which can act as a critical support for the title statement, is about teamwork. In the contemporary society, the significance of teamwork can not be emphasized more. Encouraging employees to work in team can bring the company not only a higher efficiency but also a harmonious working atmosphere and a peaceful company culture. To satisfy the demand of employment market, people should equip themselves with the qualities that the teamwork requires—modesty, loyalty, and unity, all of which, obviously, can not be acquired from books and classroom. The experience of one of my classmates can best illustrate this point. My classmate was graduated from one top university. So when he first worked in a company, he always looked down his workmates and show little respect to them. During the teamwork, he usually acted as a conductor and never did any heavy work. Finally, all of his team members felt unhappy and began to exclude him out of the working discussion. His superior also rejected to provide him a promotion.

Last but not the least, although the importance of social interaction is highly emphasized in the early discussion, it do not means that studying hard is useless and is not worth any attention. There is a saying goes that “opportunities are always for those who are well prepared.” Without absorbing the knowledge well and the working skills guaranteed, a person can not propose any useful idea and thereby can only act as a copycat in a group with his suggestion never accepted.

Taking into account all the factors discussed above, I am fully convinced that, with the importance of studying hard maintained, one’s ability of social interaction worth equally attention. Consequently, it is highly advisable for university students to divide some time and energy on the cultivation of their skills of intercourse in order to face the increasingly fierce competition in employment market confidently.
作者: ykhjy    时间: 2012-8-5 21:42
8.4 综合 TPO 2

感觉这篇听力听得不是特别清楚...感觉最后他说的呼噜呼噜就过去了.....大家都是怎么记笔记的呢> <【我觉得最好能形成一些自己看得懂的符号 简化笔记把】
蓝色模版，黄色需修改，红色修改，绿色总结
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The lecture and the reading passage give contradictory opinions on whether assembling a group of people into a team can really benefit the company when approaching certain new project. Rejecting what the author suggests, the lecturer lists three points as the disadvantages of group working.【点明了主题，说明了lecture与reading passage 的对立关系，达到目的了】



The professor first points out a surprising finding of the research mentioned in the lecture that all the team members did not try their best to contribute at all. The reasons of this kind of confusing behavior is that, since the team will be rewarded or criticized as a whole, those talented and skilled members’【who are】 willing to work hard is【are】 weakened because their own name will not be made specially when being rewarded. Getting the 【same】 reward same with【as？】 other members who did not contribute that【so】 much can make them feel unfair.【这段观点好像不怎么明确，过于细节，而且最好点明与passage里的观点相对】



The author’s demonstration that the team will lead to a more quickly work is refused by the professor too. As more people will enlarge the number of suggestions, more meetings and discussions are required to analysis and judging each of these proposals. Therefore, the professor believes that working in a team will take a long time for all the members to reach consensus and decrease the efficiency.【这段观点明确了，但是细节方面好像有点单薄，建议lz】



At last, the professor contradicts the possibility of the creative solution and the chance for members to “shine”【这里是不是有俩point】 . Researchers in the experiment found that the creative ideas are usually ignored. Once the creative opinion is proposed, since the creativity always related to a larger potential to fail and blame for the failure of the solution will be placed on all members, the influencers of the team would warn the team about its risk, which finally makes all the members ignore the opinion. The chance for individuals to “shine” is lost at the same time【个人觉得这句话是支持另一个point——team members are not always rewarded】.【我觉得细节是有了，但是最好概括一下，突出反对文章中的point】
【我对这篇文章很头大，个人意见：这篇文章三个point：1.work speed 2. creative solutions not always come 3.team members are not always rewarded】
作者: eva0401    时间: 2012-8-5 22:30
8.4 独立
For future career success, is relate well to other people more important than studying hard at school?


思路:

[第一段:支持]很少有那种不需要接触外界的工作, 很多工作都需要与人接触, 这一能力不是从书本中可以学到的
         E.g. salesman
[第二段:支持]团队协作的重要性被越来越多的强调, 不会团队合作的人没有前途
             E.g. 名校毕业,不会与人合作,得不到晋升
[第三段:让步]不是说努力学习不重要, 机会只给有准备的人
             E.g. 如果技术和知识不过硬, 那么在团队中提不出有建设性的意见, 只能打酱油
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Whether the ability to deal with social interaction or a higher grade in school should be considered a much more decisive factor when judging the potential of a person’s success in career has became a relative subject of discussion. The increasingly essential role of teamwork played in the office and the basic role of the working skills make it difficult for people to select the winner between the two. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might agree with the title statement as I do.
楼主第一段用句好好呀 直接点名主题而且句子好顺畅。
  At the very beginning, nobody can deny the trend that more and more working positions began to require the employee to equip a strong ability to contact with people. That is, (好喜欢这种写法，直接换一句表达更准确的意思)you can hardly to find any job which purely requests the employee to do researches in the close-door environment. Equipping (前面用了equip 这里可以换一个次 arming 我个人认为哈)only with the knowledge learned in the universities and a high grade is no longer enough for a person to reach the standard of an employer and his or her job. Take salesmen for example. If a person refused to communicate with the outside world and feel shame to express his eager about the target selling product, knowledge from book can not help him to sell a single product. Even if he can get an in the final examination, he is not the right employee that the company that majors in promotion wants. Not knowing the rule of social interaction can be a huge obstacle on a person’s career road.

   The second reason, which can act as a critical support for the title statement, is about teamwork. In the contemporary society, the significance of teamwork can not be emphasized more. 这个论证感觉很有力量。Encouraging employees to work in team can bring the company not only a higher efficiency but also a harmonious working atmosphere and a peaceful company culture. To satisfy the demand of employment market, people should equip themselves with the qualities that the teamwork requires—modesty, loyalty, and unity, all of which, obviously, can not be acquired from books and classroom. The experience of one of my classmates can best illustrate this point. My classmate was graduated from one top university. So when he first worked in a company, he always looked down his workmates and show little respect to them. During the teamwork, he usually acted as a conductor and never did any heavy work. Finally, all of his team members felt unhappy and began to exclude him out of the working discussion. His superior also rejected to provide him a promotion.
   Last but not the least, although the importance of social interaction is highly emphasized in the early discussion, it do not means that studying hard is useless and is not worth any attention. There is a saying goes that “opportunities are always for those who are well prepared.” Without absorbing the knowledge well and the working skills guaranteed, a person can not propose any useful idea and thereby can only act as a copycat in a group with his suggestion never accepted.楼主用最后一段让步顺便结尾。我是分开些两段，因为怕写错自己的观点。有时候会昏。
楼主我仔细检查，请原谅我第二次写toefl作文 ，实在能力有限，但是说实话，我觉得楼主你写的好好啊，特别是句子，逻辑也很清晰，膜拜啊。，向你学习。楼主只需要再加深例子，这也是哦我们大家的问题。
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-6 17:47
8.4 综合 TPO 2

感觉这篇听力听得不是特别清楚...感觉最后他说的呼噜呼噜就过去了.....大家都是怎么记笔记的呢> <【我觉得最好能形成一些自己看得懂的符号 简化笔记把】
蓝色模版，黄色需修改，红色修改，绿色总结
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The lecture and the reading passage give contradictory opinions on whether assembling a group of people into a team can really benefit the company when approaching certain new project. Rejecting what the author suggests, the lecturer lists three points as the disadvantages of group working.【点明了主题，说明了lecture与reading passage 的对立关系，达到目的了】



The professor first points out a surprising finding of the research mentioned in the lecture that all the team members did not try their best to contribute at all. The reasons of this kind of confusing behavior is that, since the team will be rewarded or criticized as a whole, those talented and skilled members’【who are】 willing to work hardis【are】 weakened because their own name will not be made specially when being rewarded. Getting the 【same】 reward samewith【as？】 other members who did not contribute that【so】 much can make them feel unfair.【这段观点好像不怎么明确，过于细节，而且最好点明与passage里的观点相对】



The author’s demonstration that the team will lead to a more quickly work is refused by the professor too. As more people will enlarge the number of suggestions, more meetings and discussions are required to analysis and judging each of these proposals. Therefore, the professor believes that working in a team will take a long time for all the members to reach consensus and decrease the efficiency.【这段观点明确了，但是细节方面好像有点单薄，建议lz】



At last, the professor contradicts the possibility of the creative solution and the chance for members to “shine”【这里是不是有俩point】. Researchers in the experiment found that the creative ideas are usually ignored. Once the creative opinion is proposed, since the creativity always related to a larger potential to fail and blame for the failure of the solution will be placed on all members, the influencers of the team would warn the team about its risk, which finally makes all the members ignore the opinion. The chance for individuals to “shine” is lost at the same time【个人觉得这句话是支持另一个point——team members are not always rewarded】.【我觉得细节是有了，但是最好概括一下，突出反对文章中的point】
【我对这篇文章很头大，个人意见：这篇文章三个point：1.work speed 2. creative solutions not always come 3.team members are not always rewarded】
-- by 会员 ykhjy (2012/8/5 21:42:27)



嗯嗯这篇文章我也感觉特别乱！刚开始看Reading部分的时候那三个论点和lecture里面的貌似不太match> <....于是之后就各种YY.......

你这么一捋那三个points感觉清楚多了 按你那个思路应该没错！！

听力还需提高阿T T

P.S. 看了某大神贴的建议 我去看了看OG上的综合写作范文 发现其实author的观点在作文中甚至可以完全不提 只要把professor的观点+细节都写明白就OK了~虽然这样看起来有点悬悬的 不过毕竟是ETS的范文 也可以作为一个思路咱们参考一下嘿~

加油！！！
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-6 17:49
8.4 独立
For future career success, is relate well to other people more important than studying hard at school?


思路:

[第一段:支持]很少有那种不需要接触外界的工作, 很多工作都需要与人接触, 这一能力不是从书本中可以学到的
         E.g. salesman
[第二段:支持]团队协作的重要性被越来越多的强调, 不会团队合作的人没有前途
             E.g. 名校毕业,不会与人合作,得不到晋升
[第三段:让步]不是说努力学习不重要, 机会只给有准备的人
             E.g. 如果技术和知识不过硬, 那么在团队中提不出有建设性的意见, 只能打酱油
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whether the ability to deal with social interaction or a higher grade in school should be considered a much more decisive factor when judging the potential of a person’s success in career has became a relative subject of discussion. The increasingly essential role of teamwork played in the office and the basic role of the working skills make it difficult for people to select the winner between the two. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might agree with the title statement as I do.
楼主第一段用句好好呀 直接点名主题而且句子好顺畅。
  At the very beginning, nobody can deny the trend that more and more working positions began to require the employee to equip a strong ability to contact with people. That is, (好喜欢这种写法，直接换一句表达更准确的意思)you can hardly to find any job which purely requests the employee to do researches in the close-door environment. Equipping (前面用了equip 这里可以换一个次 arming 我个人认为哈)only with the knowledge learned in the universities and a high grade is no longer enough for a person to reach the standard of an employer and his or her job. Take salesmen for example. If a person refused to communicate with the outside world and feel shame to express his eager about the target selling product, knowledge from book can not help him to sell a single product. Even if he can get an in the final examination, he is not the right employee that the company that majors in promotion wants. Not knowing the rule of social interaction can be a huge obstacle on a person’s career road.

   The second reason, which can act as a critical support for the title statement, is about teamwork. In the contemporary society, the significance of teamwork can not be emphasized more. 这个论证感觉很有力量。Encouraging employees to work in team can bring the company not only a higher efficiency but also a harmonious working atmosphere and a peaceful company culture. To satisfy the demand of employment market, people should equip themselves with the qualities that the teamwork requires—modesty, loyalty, and unity, all of which, obviously, can not be acquired from books and classroom. The experience of one of my classmates can best illustrate this point. My classmate was graduated from one top university. So when he first worked in a company, he always looked down his workmates and show little respect to them. During the teamwork, he usually acted as a conductor and never did any heavy work. Finally, all of his team members felt unhappy and began to exclude him out of the working discussion. His superior also rejected to provide him a promotion.
   Last but not the least, although the importance of social interaction is highly emphasized in the early discussion, it do not means that studying hard is useless and is not worth any attention. There is a saying goes that “opportunities are always for those who are well prepared.” Without absorbing the knowledge well and the working skills guaranteed, a person can not propose any useful idea and thereby can only act as a copycat in a group with his suggestion never accepted.楼主用最后一段让步顺便结尾。我是分开些两段，因为怕写错自己的观点。有时候会昏。
楼主我仔细检查，请原谅我第二次写toefl作文 ，实在能力有限，但是说实话，我觉得楼主你写的好好啊，特别是句子，逻辑也很清晰，膜拜啊。，向你学习。楼主只需要再加深例子，这也是哦我们大家的问题。
-- by 会员 eva0401 (2012/8/5 22:30:17)



我也是能力有限阿 各种chinglish各种例子胡编乱造> <可能作文就是一个积累的过程吧~~多看看一些好词好句 熟悉一些华丽词句的运用 积累一定会爆发滴!! 我们都加油哦~~~
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-7 17:41
好几天没写 手都生了...有些地方参照了CD里面一个大牛的写法~看大牛作文真是受益良多!

8.7 独立
In order to solve the problems of the present and the future, people should review the past.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
思路:
[第一段:支持] 可以直接运用原来的方法 提高办事效率
                       E.g. 公司遇到发展瓶颈, 借鉴其他遇到过类似问题的公司 最终用别人的方法解决了自己的问题
[第二段:支持] 就算不能直接运用,也可以从中看Experience
                       E.g. Edison发明灯泡 其成功是基于对之前无数次失败的总结和反思
[第三段:让步] 只看过去可能会对思维产生限制,跟不上发展-->回归:过去只是基础和框架,就如同盖房子, 基础之上, 砖瓦仍应该填的是新的东西
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Whether people should consider previous solutions when facing present or future problems has became a relatively subject of discussion. The precious experience contained in the past and the worry of making same mistake repeatedly makes people hard to decide which one holes more weight. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might agree with the title statement as I do.

At the very beginning, no one can deny the fact that tons of solutions that we have used to solve problems successfully in the past can act as guiders who can clear our direction, point out our weakness, and conduct us towards the right destination in the most direct way. What people did in the past might also work in the same way and, thereby, save us in the similar present or future situation. The example of the company that I have been an internship in perfectly matches this point. In the last few years, that company met its development bottleneck and found it difficult to chase a new improvement. Knowing that many other companies had suffered the similar puzzle before, the manager decided to interview the leaders of those companies and learn their way to escape from the limitation. Finally, the company broke its bottleneck successfully by undertaking what it has been learned from those senior companies.

Some people may question that not all solutions in the past led to a satisfying result. However, seeing only those solutions that can be used directly, those people fails to consider another significant benefit that can be brought from reviewing the past—the experience. Even if what the older generations did only resulted in a failure, the experience of the failure can also teach us a lesson and warn us to avoid the same kind of error in the future. Take the Edison, the famous inventor of bulbs, for example. If Edison had never experienced the bitter of the hundreds of times failing, he would never taste the sweet of the final success, because the final lighting of the bulb is actually based on the analysis, thinking and summary of the past failure. What we can acquire from mistakes is another special kind of wealth, which can guide us to refine and finally get what we want.

Granted, as technology is developing in an amazing speed, only considering the past would prevent us from keeping pace with the contemporary society and limit our creativity as well. However, reviewing the past do not equal to simply copying the old things without thinking. The role of the past is the beginning and foundation of our thinking. Like building architecture, after using the guide of the old example as the ground and frame, what should be used when building the upper structure are the most advanced techniques and the newest creativities.

Taking into account all the factors discussed above, I am fully convincing that reviewing the past is a necessary process when solving the present and future problems. Consequently, if there is anyone who still wonders whether the past cases should be considered useless, who still doubts the importance of experience, and who still does not understand the way to combine the past, the present and the future, this passage is my answer.
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-7 18:32
8.7 综合 TPO5
这篇听力的第二点没听懂...求听力记笔记建议T T
The lecture and the reading passage give contradictory opinions on how the Chaco structure, which is called the “great houses” found in American Southwest, were used. The author provides three theories that indicate the possible usage of the building, which, however, are rejected respectively by the professor in the lecture.

The professor casts serious doubt on the first theory, which states that Chaco structure was purely residential. The building’s inside does not go the same way as it seems from outside and the mismatch is on the fire place. The lecturer demonstrates that there were not enough fire places for hundreds of people to cook their food, since the very small number of the fire place and the number of rooms that are enough for more tan 100 families to live do not match each other.

The professor secondly states that not enough evidence can be used to support that the place is used to store food supplies either. The reason is lied on the absence of remain of big maize containers on the excavations. Besides, the fact that the excavation is not covered by maize containers also makes the professor doubt about the truth of the second theory.

The author’s third theory, which regards Chaco structure to be ceremonial centers, does not please the professor either. The first reason held by the professor is that beside the broken pots, many other building materials, such sand and stones, were also found in the place. Therefore, as the pots frictions could be left by meals, all of these left materials might be the regular trash instead of the evidence of ceremonial centers.
作者: hjl80959    时间: 2012-8-8 13:41
蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

Whether people should consider previous solutions when facing present or future problems has became (过去分词还是become) a relatively subject of discussion. The precious experience contained in the past (多余与previous重复) and the worry of making same mistake repeatedly makes people hard to decide which one holes (什么意思？) more weight. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might agree with the title statement as I do.
开头算是一刀切如了，不过总感觉还是没什么东西，貌似是在堆砌一些东西，也可能是由于同样的词用的还多次了光这一段consider出现两次

At the very beginning, no one can deny（undeniably 简洁明了） the fact that tons of solutions that we have used to solve problems successfully in the past(修饰语太长了，让人读了喘不过气来同时也并不能说明什么问题 tons of successful solutions 不是挺好的) can act as guiders who can clear (illuminate) our direction, point out our weakness, and conduct(lead) us towards the right destination in the most direct way.（三个并列用的不错） What people did in the past might also work in the same way and, thereby, save us in the similar present or future situation. The example of the company that I have been an internship in perfectly matches this point. In the last few years, that company met its development bottleneck and found it difficult to chase a new improvement. Knowing that many other companies had suffered the similar puzzle before, the manager decided to interview the leaders of those companies and learn their （existed or used）way to escape from the limitation. （例子不错，但是别忘了突出是review the past）Finally, the company broke its bottleneck successfully by undertaking what it has been learned from those senior companies.

Some people may question that not all solutions in the past led to a satisfying result. However, seeing only those solutions that can be used directly, those people fails to consider another significant benefit that can be brought from reviewing the past—the experience. （这句话不知道要表达什么）Even if what the older generations （predecessors）did only resulted in a failure (这个result也很多次了吧 ended with), the experience of the failure can also teach us a lesson and warn us to avoid the same kind of error in the future. Take the Edison, the famous inventor of bulbs,（其实爱迪生是改进了灯丝lamp filament） for example. If Edison had never experienced the bitter of the hundreds of times failing, he would never taste the sweet of the final success, because the final lighting of the bulb is actually based on the analysis, thinking and summary of the past failure. What we can acquire from mistakes is another special kind of wealth, which can guide us to refine and finally get what we want.

Granted, as technology is developing in an amazing speed, only considering the past would prevent us from keeping pace with the contemporary society (prevent from意思不确切为什么考虑历史会阻止我们吧，只能mere retrospect of the history cannot make us to keep up with the rapid social pace)and limit our creativity as well. However, reviewing the past do not equal to simply copying the old things without thinking. The role of the past is the beginning and foundation of our thinking (the past sets the foundation for our thinking). Like building architecture, after using the guide of the old example as the ground and frame, what should be used when building the upper structure are the most advanced techniques and the newest creativities.

Taking into account all the factors discussed above, I am fully convincing that reviewing the past is a necessary process when solving the present and future problems. Consequently, if there is anyone who still wonders whether the past cases should be considered useless(whether 完全可以去掉), who still doubts the importance of experience, and who still does not understand the way to combine the past, the present and the future, this passage is my answer.



Tips

不知道是不是在半个小时打出520+的字的，如果是我得先表扬一下但问题同样出现了，其实这些字很多都是重读和多余的从句变化，反而写的文章不够简洁明快



托福作文更生活化一些，注重长短句的结合，楼主全文基本都是长句，且多个从句叠在一切，让人看起来很累。这个需要精简，同时托福作文更不是gre阅读不需要套那么多从句。



楼主需要吧作文的用词好好的看一下，这篇文章的consider 这个词出现了太多词句式用法比较单一。



文章的结构没有问题，例子也切合，观点很好这是我需要学习的，因为我昨天写的时候就不知道写什么。



没什么大的错误，拼写和时态都不错。



努力方向应该是简化句子结构，增加句型变化，单词多样性
作者: hjl80959    时间: 2012-8-8 13:55
蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

The lecture and the reading passage give contradictory opinions on how the Chaco structure, which is called the “great houses” found in American Southwest, were used （这个were used 放在前面吧头重脚轻了）. The author provides three theories that indicate the possible usage of the building, which, however, （however连接句子）are rejected respectively by the professor in the lecture. （开头段不错～）

The professor casts serious doubt on the first theory, which states that Chaco structure was purely residential. The building’s inside does not go the same way as it seems from outside and the mismatch is on the fire place. The lecturer demonstrates that there were not enough fire places for hundreds of people to cook their food, since the very small number of the fire place and the number of rooms that are enough for more tan 100 families to live do not match each other.（又是一个奇怪的从句删了吧）

The professor secondly states that not enough evidence can be used to support that the place is used to store food supplies either. The reason is lied on the absence of remain of big maize containers on the excavations. Besides, the fact that the excavation is not covered by maize containers also makes the professor doubt about the truth of the second theory. （第二点是没有maize和 maize container）

The author’s third theory, which regards Chaco structure to be ceremonial centers, does not please the professor either. The first （first后面总要有个second吧，后面你拖拖的省了）reason held by the professor is that beside the broken pots, many other building materials, such sand and stones, were also found in the place. Therefore, as the pots frictions could be left by meals （是建筑工人留下的）, all of these left materials might be the regular trash instead of the evidence of ceremonial centers.





我觉得这个陈述与反驳的套路已经比较熟练了，很好！

要做的就是听力了，我个人觉得听力这个除了本身水平还有就是方法了。

你要吧阅读看到的东西写记下来写在纸上左边一栏3点，3分钟完全够你吧重要信息记录了，然后就是在你听的时候有目的的在右边一栏对照记下来相对的观点，一个一个对。把理由先到位，在细节，这样不愁不好了。
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-8 21:27
蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

Whether people should consider previous solutions when facing present or future problems has became (过去分词还是become) a relatively subject of discussion. The precious experience contained in the past (多余与previous重复) and the worry of making same mistake repeatedly makes people hard to decide which one holes (什么意思？) more weight. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might agree with the title statement as I do.
开头算是一刀切如了，不过总感觉还是没什么东西，貌似是在堆砌一些东西，也可能是由于同样的词用的还多次了光这一段consider出现两次

At the very beginning, no one can deny（undeniably 简洁明了） the fact that tons of solutions that we have used to solve problems successfully in the past(修饰语太长了，让人读了喘不过气来同时也并不能说明什么问题 tons of successful solutions 不是挺好的) can act as guiders who can clear (illuminate) our direction, point out our weakness, and conduct(lead) us towards the right destination in the most direct way.（三个并列用的不错） What people did in the past might also work in the same way and, thereby, save us in the similar present or future situation. The example of the company that I have been an internship in perfectly matches this point. In the last few years, that company met its development bottleneck and found it difficult to chase a new improvement. Knowing that many other companies had suffered the similar puzzle before, the manager decided to interview the leaders of those companies and learn their （existed or used）way to escape from the limitation. （例子不错，但是别忘了突出是review the past）Finally, the company broke its bottleneck successfully by undertaking what it has been learned from those senior companies.

Some people may question that not all solutions in the past led to a satisfying result. However, seeing only those solutions that can be used directly, those people fails to consider another significant benefit that can be brought from reviewing the past—the experience. （这句话不知道要表达什么）Even if what the older generations （predecessors）did only resulted in a failure (这个result也很多次了吧 ended with), the experience of the failure can also teach us a lesson and warn us to avoid the same kind of error in the future. Take the Edison, the famous inventor of bulbs,（其实爱迪生是改进了灯丝lamp filament） for example. If Edison had never experienced the bitter of the hundreds of times failing, he would never taste the sweet of the final success, because the final lighting of the bulb is actually based on the analysis, thinking and summary of the past failure. What we can acquire from mistakes is another special kind of wealth, which can guide us to refine and finally get what we want.

Granted, as technology is developing in an amazing speed, only considering the past would prevent us from keeping pace with the contemporary society (prevent from意思不确切为什么考虑历史会阻止我们吧，只能mere retrospect of the history cannot make us to keep up with the rapid social pace)and limit our creativity as well. However, reviewing the past do not equal to simply copying the old things without thinking. The role of the past is the beginning and foundation of our thinking (the past sets the foundation for our thinking). Like building architecture, after using the guide of the old example as the ground and frame, what should be used when building the upper structure are the most advanced techniques and the newest creativities.

Taking into account all the factors discussed above, I am fully convincing that reviewing the past is a necessary process when solving the present and future problems. Consequently, if there is anyone who still wonders whether the past cases should be considered useless(whether 完全可以去掉), who still doubts the importance of experience, and who still does not understand the way to combine the past, the present and the future, this passage is my answer.



Tips

不知道是不是在半个小时打出520+的字的，如果是我得先表扬一下但问题同样出现了，其实这些字很多都是重读和多余的从句变化，反而写的文章不够简洁明快

托福作文更生活化一些，注重长短句的结合，楼主全文基本都是长句，且多个从句叠在一切，让人看起来很累。这个需要精简，同时托福作文更不是gre阅读不需要套那么多从句。

楼主需要吧作文的用词好好的看一下，这篇文章的consider 这个词出现了太多词句式用法比较单一。

文章的结构没有问题，例子也切合，观点很好这是我需要学习的，因为我昨天写的时候就不知道写什么。

没什么大的错误，拼写和时态都不错。

努力方向应该是简化句子结构，增加句型变化，单词多样性
-- by 会员 hjl80959 (2012/8/8 13:41:10)



嗯嗯感谢哈~~帮我这么认真的批改@ @

确实我一直觉得自己的文章写的很罗嗦 句子有时候也不自觉的用的很长很复杂 "注意长短句结合"这个很中肯! 以后会注意滴~~

句式和单词的多样性也是我的软肋 以后多注重好词好句积累~

总之还是非常感谢哈~提出很多有用的建议^^加油!
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-8 21:29
蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

The lecture and the reading passage give contradictory opinions on how the Chaco structure, which is called the “great houses” found in American Southwest, were used （这个were used 放在前面吧头重脚轻了）. The author provides three theories that indicate the possible usage of the building, which, however, （however连接句子）are rejected respectively by the professor in the lecture. （开头段不错～）

The professor casts serious doubt on the first theory, which states that Chaco structure was purely residential. The building’s inside does not go the same way as it seems from outside and the mismatch is on the fire place. The lecturer demonstrates that there were not enough fire places for hundreds of people to cook their food, since the very small number of the fire place and the number of rooms that are enough for more tan 100 families to live do not match each other.（又是一个奇怪的从句删了吧）

The professor secondly states that not enough evidence can be used to support that the place is used to store food supplies either. The reason is lied on the absence of remain of big maize containers on the excavations. Besides, the fact that the excavation is not covered by maize containers also makes the professor doubt about the truth of the second theory. （第二点是没有maize和 maize container）

The author’s third theory, which regards Chaco structure to be ceremonial centers, does not please the professor either. The first （first后面总要有个second吧，后面你拖拖的省了）reason held by the professor is that beside the broken pots, many other building materials, such sand and stones, were also found in the place. Therefore, as the pots frictions could be left by meals （是建筑工人留下的）, all of these left materials might be the regular trash instead of the evidence of ceremonial centers.





我觉得这个陈述与反驳的套路已经比较熟练了，很好！

要做的就是听力了，我个人觉得听力这个除了本身水平还有就是方法了。

你要吧阅读看到的东西写记下来写在纸上左边一栏3点，3分钟完全够你吧重要信息记录了，然后就是在你听的时候有目的的在右边一栏对照记下来相对的观点，一个一个对。把理由先到位，在细节，这样不愁不好了。
-- by 会员 hjl80959 (2012/8/8 13:55:30)



我本身的听力水平就有问题> <不知道同学你是怎么提高听力水平的呢 求指点阿~~~

感觉如果没有机经再加上生词过多的话 很难通过一边听力就能够抓住大部分细节...真让人头大> <!
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-8 21:31
8.8 综合 TPO6
The lecture and the passage give contradictory opinion on whether the online communal encyclopedias or the traditional ones should be preferred. The author points out three shortcomings of the online encyclopedias to assert his preference on traditional ones, which are rejected by the professor who sitting at the opposite side arguing that the online encyclopedia is better.

The professor first shows strong opposition on the author’s doubt about the accuracy of the online encyclopedias and demonstrates that online ones hardly have any error instead. He reasons that as there are many soft wares designed to find the mistakes in electronic passages, errors in an online encyclopedia are easy to correct, while those errors in printed articles will remain for decades.

The professor refuses the second shortcoming raised by the author by providing two strategies that are recently used. The first one suggests that the online articles can be put into the read-only format. Since articles in this format can not be changed by anyone, the reliability of online encyclopedias can be ensured. In the second strategy, special editors who can monitor the change made on the reading passages are required. Therefore the potential flaw of online articles mentioned by the author can be avoided.

The author’s third opinion does not please the professor either. Arguing that the traditional articles printed on paper do not reflect the large range of interest of readers, the professor firmly believes that the great variety of articles provided through Internet can satisfy the demand of consumers at the greatest extent, which can also be treated as one of online encyclopedias strongest advantages.
作者: chasedreamabc    时间: 2012-8-9 15:07
The lecture and the passagegive contradictory opinion (用contradictory 修饰opinion,忽略了n.的单复数,+s)on whetherthe online communal encyclopedias or the traditional ones should be preferred(看起来很头重脚轻,开头simple些:The lecturer addresses each of the three criticisms of communal online encyclopedias mentioned in the reading passage.) The author points out three shortcomings of the online encyclopedias to assert his preference on traditional ones, which(which指代,不能指代前面的句子,语法上修饰ones) are rejected by the professor who sitting at the opposite side arguing that the online encyclopedia is better.

The professor first shows (a+) strong opposition on the author’s doubt about the accuracy of the online encyclopedias and demonstrates that online ones hardly have any error instead. He reasons that as there are (感觉去掉更好)many soft wares (应该是一个单词) designed to find the mistakes in electronic passages, errors in an online encyclopedia are easy to correct, while those errors in printed articles will remain for decades.

The professor refuses the second shortcoming raised by the author by providing two strategies that are recently used. The first one suggests that the online articles can be put into the read-only format. Since articles in this format can not (cannot) be changed by anyone, the reliability of online encyclopedias can be ensured. In the second strategy, special editors who can monitor the change made on the reading passages are required (听力第二点是编辑监控并且时刻消除恶意的信息,有遗漏点,建议改为:special editors whose job is to monitor all changes made to the articles and eliminated those changes that are clearly malicious.). Therefore the potential flaw of online articles mentioned by the author can be avoided.

The author’s third opinion does not please the professor either. Arguing that the traditional articles printed on paper do not reflect(没有指出原因limited space) the large range of interest of readers, the professor firmly believes that the great variety of articles provided through Internet can satisfy the demand of consumers at the greatest extent, which (还是同一指代问题)can also be treated as one of online encyclopedias strongest advantages
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-9 19:06
8.9 独立写作
you can know a lot about a person through the types of friends this person has.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
思路:
[第一段:支持]朋友可以互相影响
                E.g. 从前不喜欢摇滚, 遇到喜欢摇滚的朋友后开始爱上摇滚
[第二段:支持]相同兴趣的人容易成为朋友
                E.g. 科学家做实验, 幼儿园里外向的孩子之间容易成为朋友, 而内向的孩子会在一起玩
[第三段:让步]也有不受外界影响的例子, 但是很少, 大部分人还是会受别人影响的
                E.g. 也有从不好的学校考上特别好的大学的, 但是数量很少

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Whether a person could be judged from evaluating his or her friends is relatively a subject to discuss. The extent to which a person can balance between being influenced by the surrounding and remaining his own personalities unchanged makes it difficult to decide the effect brought by friends. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might agree with the title statement as I do.

At the very beginning, strong and long-term friendship will result in common value and similar interest. This point can be perfectly illustrated by my own experience. Before I entered the university, I knew little about the rock music. However, one of my roommates Swally was crazy about rock & roll. After being friends with Swally for three years, I began to listen to songs in this category and gradually found the fascination inside them. I am half a rock fan now. Sometimes I even scream and jump for some rock group together with Swally! Communicating and sharing information every time can reshape different individuals, narrow the gap between them, and finally build them similar with each other. In this way, when judging a person, you can always find the shadow of his friends.

The very early step for friends to become alike is not happened after the building of the friendship. Instead, when looking for the potential friends, people tend to find those who are similar with themselves. An interesting experiment can be used to support this point. In this research, in order to study the friend-making behavior, a class of children in a kindergarten was observed by a group of scientist. Scientists found that those children who are extroversions tend to gather together, making noises and playing sports. While those introvert children built another group and painted pictures together. It is even more surprising that children in different group seldom communicate with each other. Therefore, people with similar personalities are more likely to become friends.

Granted, the existence of people who are seldom influenced by surrounding is undeniable. However, as only countable students who graduated from bottom schools can be admitted by TOP universities, this case is not suitable for the general situation. For the majority of people, therefore, their personal quality and value can be reflected in his choosing and enhancing of friendship.

Taking into account all the factors discussed above, I am fully convincing that friends should be treated as one of the most essential elements when evaluating a person. Consequently, if there is anyone who still wonder the changes a friend can bring to a person, who still doubts the decisive role played by friendship, and who still does not understand how friendship can shape a person, this passage is my answer.
作者: lemonyhu    时间: 2012-8-9 20:40
LZ我负责改你的8.8的独立啊~~~
貌似你写的是综合不是独立？~
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-10 09:02
LZ我负责改你的8.8的独立啊~~~
貌似你写的是综合不是独立？~
-- by 会员 lemonyhu (2012/8/9 20:40:41)



嗯嗯 老大分组的时候有点小晕~没关系哈就这样吧^^
作者: lxc1989614    时间: 2012-8-10 18:17
我明天给你改行不？今天时间太紧张了。
你改的很认真。。我本来昨天匆匆忙忙写完来不及检查了，想再修改一下的，结果你给改了，改的很好，谢谢了
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-10 18:24
我明天给你改行不？今天时间太紧张了。
你改的很认真。。我本来昨天匆匆忙忙写完来不及检查了，想再修改一下的，结果你给改了，改的很好，谢谢了
-- by 会员 lxc1989614 (2012/8/10 18:17:17)



呵呵没关系~明天记得改哈^^
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-10 18:24
8.10 综合 TPO 8

The lecture and the reading passage give contradictory opinions on the accuracy of Chevalier’s memoir. The author’s doubt on Chevalier’s exaggeration to make his life seem more exciting is contradicted by the professor and the three evidences provided by the author are disproved by him respectively.

Firstly, the professor does not consider the loan from merchant as a persuasive evidence to doubt that Chevalier was not as wealthy as he said in his memoir. Since most of Chevalier’s money had been put in parties and gambling, he could get the money only by selling them. As it took few days for Chevalier to wait the money to arrive, it is reasonable for him to loan from others to fill the time gap.

The second doubt raised in the reading passage, which suggests that it is impossible for Chevalier to remember all the details of a conversation happened years ago, is also refused by the professor. Reasoning that Chevalier might kept some notes during the conversation, the professor demonstrates that consulting materials such as notes and journal can help Chevalier recall every exact phrases of that conversation.

The author’s third evidence is rejected by the professor by two reasons. Firstly, since other people who were jailed together with Chevalier had even more powerful friends, and none of them could get freedom through bribery, it would also be hard in Chevalier’s case. Therefore, the possibility that Chevalier’s escape was due to his friend’s help can be excluded. Another reason is that, after Chevalier’s escape, the jail got the ceiling of those old rooms repaired. This can act as a strong evidence to support that Chevalier was telling the truth about his escape from that jail.
作者: lxc1989614    时间: 2012-8-11 10:57
Whether a person could be judged from evaluating his or her friends is relatively a subject to discuss. The extent to which a person can balance between being influenced by the surrounding and remaining his own personalities unchanged makes it difficult to decide the effect brought by friends. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might agree with the title statement as I do.第一段要写清楚观点哦~尽量不要引用

At the very beginning, strong and long-term friendship will result in common value and similar interest. This point can be perfectly illustrated by my own experience. Before I entered the university, I knew little about the rock music. However, one of my roommates Swally was crazy about rock & roll这两句可以并起来啊，把however换成while，表明对照关系. After being friends with Swally for three years, I began to listen to songs in this category and gradually found the fascination inside them. I am half a rock fan now. Sometimes I even scream and jump for some rock group together with Swally! Communicating and sharing information every time can reshape different individuals, narrow the gap between them, and finally build them similar with each other. In this way, when judging a person, you can always find the shadow of his friends.

The very early step for friends to become alike is not happened after the building of the friendship. Instead, when looking for the potential friends, people tend to find those who are similar with themselves. An interesting experiment can be used to support this point. In this research, in order to study the friend-making behavior, a class of children in a kindergarten was observed by a group of scientists. Scientists found that those children who are extroversions这个用的好，表示内向外向 tend to gather together, making noises and playing sports. While those introvert children built another group and painted pictures together. It is even more surprising that children in different group seldom communicate with each other. Therefore, people with similar personalities are more likely to become friends.

Granted, the existence of people who are seldom influenced by surrounding is undeniable.这个句子这样写不是很好，你是不是想表达这个？It is undeniable that there exsits some people who are seldom influenced by surrounding?However, as only countable students who graduated from bottom schools can be admitted by TOP universities, this case is not suitable for the general situation.这个句子我也觉得不是很好这样写，指代也不明确，this case是指前一句里面的例子，这个要么放在第二句开头，要么就在写一下例子，不然别人以为你说的是很少人被录取。所以我觉得应该这样写：However, this kind of person is just an exception用exception表明不适用于全部情况比较简洁, since only countable students from bottom schools can be enrolled然后录取用这个词比较好 by universities. For the majority of people, therefore,这个词是因此的意思，放在这里不合适吧 their personal quality and value can be reflected in his choosing and enhancing of friendship.

Taking into account all the factors discussed above, I am fully convincing that friends should be treated as one of the most essential elements when evaluating a person. Consequently, if there is anyone who still wonder the changes a friend can bring to a person, who still doubts the decisive role played by friendship, and who still does not understand how friendship can shape a person, this passage is my answer.看到这句话，我就知道你看过一篇经验分享，这也是我曾经在作文模版中用过的句子，不过后来就不用了，主要是因为这个句子比较难把握，很容易写错，然后结尾又怕时间不够，写这样的句子太罗嗦
在我看来，这个句子还是对上述三个分论点的总结，你好像没有完全对应，其实可以用更简洁的方式表达的，比如排比句什么的，个人意见哈~


总结：
MM，你的作文基本没有什么错误，属于四平八稳的那种，我提几点建议：
1、文章中一个比较大的问题是，观点不够明确，比如开头，要讲清楚你的观点，要用自己的话写出来，不要仅仅说我同意title的说法。文章每个分论点首句都要先阐述一下自己的观点，用比较清楚地话写出来。
2、这个就是比较高的要求，遣词造句。
我发现你文章当中用的很多句子还是属于比较简单的，有的句子其实可以并起来用一种更漂亮的句型表达出来的，这样会加分不少。还可以加点定语啊，插入语之类的。然后多用点逻辑连词啊，形容词什么的。使文章的句子呈现出多样化，阅读的人不会产生疲劳，会很喜欢的。

以上
希望我的修改对你有帮助！
作者: 浅吟天    时间: 2012-8-11 17:22
平时窜梭于其他CDer的作文，总能看到lz漂亮认真的修改。我一看到昨天的分组就激动了一下，哈哈
黄色 好的+模版 绿色 批注 红色 我改的
8.10 综合 TPO 8

The lecture and the reading passage give contradictory opinions on the accuracy of Chevalier’s memoir. The author’s doubt on Chevalier’s exaggeration to make his life seem more exciting is contradicted（前面用过了，换一个把，conflict什么的） by the professor and the three evidences provided by the author are disproved by him（写出来，不然有点混。另，我知道lz想变化形式，但这句没必要写的这么复杂，and前后主语一致就好了，简明扼要） respectively.

Firstly, the professor does not consider the loan from merchant as a persuasive evidence to doubt that Chevalier was not as wealthy as he said in his memoir. Since most of Chevalier’s money had been put in parties and gambling, （咦，我又去看了看听力文本，“he had wealth. But it was a kind of property you have to sell first to get money”,不是说必需把gambling的钱卖掉才有。是卖非流动资产这种感觉）he could get the money only by selling them. As it took few days for Chevalier to wait the money to arrive, it is reasonable for him to loan from others to fill the time gap.

The second doubt raised in the reading passage, which suggests that it is impossible for Chevalier to remember all the details of a conversation happened years ago, is also refused by the professor（没啥问题，只是觉得太长，隔断了读起没连贯的感觉，建议就按顺序写清变好。我承认我苛刻了。。。）. Reasoning that Chevalier might kept some notes during the conversation, the professor demonstrates that consulting materials such as notes and journal can help Chevalier recall every exact phrases（单数） of that conversation.

The author’s third evidence is rejected by the professor by two reasons. Firstly, since other people who were jailed together with Chevalier had even more powerful friends, and none of them could get freedom through bribery, it would also be hard in Chevalier’s case. Therefore, the possibility that Chevalier’s escape was due to his friend’s help can be excluded. Another reason is that, after Chevalier’s escape, the jail got the ceiling of those old rooms repaired. This can act as a strong evidence to support that Chevalier was telling（个人觉得没必要用进行时） the truth about his escape from that jail.
-- by 会员 GWinner (2012/8/10 18:24:33)

lz写的很好阿！认真看了没找到什么错误。细节抓的很细，要我只听一道肯定做不到。请问笔记如何写的快？
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-11 23:15
平时窜梭于其他CDer的作文，总能看到lz漂亮认真的修改。我一看到昨天的分组就激动了一下，哈哈
黄色 好的+模版 绿色 批注 红色 我改的
8.10 综合 TPO 8

The lecture and the reading passage give contradictory opinions on the accuracy of Chevalier’s memoir. The author’s doubt on Chevalier’s exaggeration to make his life seem more exciting is contradicted（前面用过了，换一个把，conflict什么的） by the professor and the three evidences provided by the author are disproved by him（写出来，不然有点混。另，我知道lz想变化形式，但这句没必要写的这么复杂，and前后主语一致就好了，简明扼要） respectively.

Firstly, the professor does not consider the loan from merchant as a persuasive evidence to doubt that Chevalier was not as wealthy as he said in his memoir. Since most of Chevalier’s money had been put in parties and gambling, （咦，我又去看了看听力文本，“he had wealth. But it was a kind of property you have to sell first to get money”,不是说必需把gambling的钱卖掉才有。是卖非流动资产这种感觉）he could get the money only by selling them. As it took few days for Chevalier to wait the money to arrive, it is reasonable for him to loan from others to fill the time gap.

The second doubt raised in the reading passage, which suggests that it is impossible for Chevalier to remember all the details of a conversation happened years ago, is also refused by the professor（没啥问题，只是觉得太长，隔断了读起没连贯的感觉，建议就按顺序写清变好。我承认我苛刻了。。。）. Reasoning that Chevalier might kept some notes during the conversation, the professor demonstrates that consulting materials such as notes and journal can help Chevalier recall every exact phrases（单数） of that conversation.

The author’s third evidence is rejected by the professor by two reasons. Firstly, since other people who were jailed together with Chevalier had even more powerful friends, and none of them could get freedom through bribery, it would also be hard in Chevalier’s case. Therefore, the possibility that Chevalier’s escape was due to his friend’s help can be excluded. Another reason is that, after Chevalier’s escape, the jail got the ceiling of those old rooms repaired. This can act as a strong evidence to support that Chevalier was telling（个人觉得没必要用进行时） the truth about his escape from that jail.
-- by 会员 GWinner (2012/8/10 18:24:33)

lz写的很好阿！认真看了没找到什么错误。细节抓的很细，要我只听一道肯定做不到。请问笔记如何写的快？

-- by 会员 浅吟天 (2012/8/11 17:22:33)



漂亮的修改@@童鞋你太过奖啦> <~~哈哈第一次在CD被人表扬我也小激动一下^^~~你的批改也很认真呀!!咱得互相学习~~~

我也觉得是卖非流动资产的赶脚! 估计咱俩对非流动资产的理解不大一样....我再去看看文本好了~一看就是学商科的孩纸 握爪!

我的听力实在是很差...Listening那块分就不高.....如上作文是我罪恶的听了两遍之后的结果T T感觉有些词就算听多少遍自己也拼不出来 因为根本不认识...比如说那个bribe> <.....到时候只好押宝寂静了...
作者: 浅吟天    时间: 2012-8-12 16:06
我觉得jj只能辅助，当饭吃不得。
那个3分钟，我是先读完每个理由的第一句（这样不会丢点）再把细节读了。我自己也没做好，还在争取高效看完它（我觉得真的是看得完的），所以 一起加油！
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-12 18:13
8.12 综合

这题太阴险了 otter和orca这两个词放到听力里面根本不好分辨! 以至于第二段听得云里雾里的.....这样就很好的印证了浅浅说的 要把前面的reading细节都看到才行 否则听力里谁会想到是orca!!!

另外还有一个问题麻烦来批改的同学指教~不知道同学你在做综合的时候是怎样一个具体步骤呢? 在第一次看reading的时候笔记应该关注哪些点? 烦指点哈!万分感谢!!!

The lecturer and the author give contradictory opinions on the real reason for the decline of the population of otters. As two possible explanations are provided—the environmental pollution and the attacks by predators, the former one is supported in the reading passage by three factors. The professor, however, rejects each factor respectively, arguing that the latter explanation holds more weight.

The professor first doubts the possibility of pollution by stating that if otters are died of pollution, their dead body would be washed on the shore. Therefore, as none can find any dead otters, this explanation can be weakened. What’s more, it is also hard to find any otter that consists in predator hypothesis, which also strengthen the professor’s doubt.

The professor proposes another appropriate explanation of other mammals’ death, which challenges the one supported by the author. Compared with pollution, human hunting is a more essential factor related with those mammals’ death. As human have hunted most of what whales usually feed on, only small mammals were left for whale. That can best explain why all the smaller mammals such as seals, sea lions, and otters declined at the same time.

The third reason provided by the author does not please the lecturer either. A fact mentioned by the lecturer demonstrates that the number of otter decreased most in those places where are most accessible to otters. His evidence is that for those shallow and rocky areas where are hard for otters with large bodies to reach, the population of otter did not shrink.
作者: sarahpx    时间: 2012-8-13 17:34
The lecturer and the author give contradictory opinions on the real reason for the decline of the population of otters.(一句搞定，棒！) As two possible explanations are provided—the environmental pollution and the attacks by predators, the former one is supported in the reading passage by three factors. The professor, however, rejects each factor respectively, arguing that the latter explanation holds more weight.

The professor first doubts the possibility of pollution by stating that if otters are（were是否改用虚拟语气？）died of pollution, their dead body would be washed（如果能听的出来是wash off 就更加分了） on the shore. Therefore, as none (nobody, none是代词或副词的说，不能当名词用哦) can find any dead otters, this explanation can be weakened. What’s more, it is also hard to find any otter that consists in（亲，伦家说的是consistent with哦~consist是组成的意思嘛） predator hypothesis, which also strengthen the professor’s doubt.

The professor proposes another appropriate explanation of other mammals’ death（population decline）, which challenges the one supported by the author. Compared with pollution, human hunting is a more essential factor related with those mammals’ death. [As human have hunted most of what whales（orcas）usually feed on, only small mammals were left for whale（orcas）].(搞错对象了亲) That can best explain why all the smaller mammals such as seals, sea lions, and otters declined at the same time.

The third reason provided by the author does not please the lecturer either. A fact mentioned by the lecturer demonstrates that the number of otters decreased most in those places where are most accessible to otters（orcas）. His evidence is that for those shallow and rocky areas where are hard for otters/orcas with large bodies to reach, the population of otters did not shrink.



总结：

你的综合写作思路和结构很好啊，而且我也是这么用的，每一段先用一句总结lecture的反驳。如果你听对了内容这篇肯定是得good 哈~

关于什么步骤真没什么说的，基本每次就是先关注阅读第一段提到的文章和听力主要讨论的主题话题是什么，随后的三段其实在写作的时候用一两句简单的话能够paraphrase就OK，主要是讲清楚听力嘛，这lz肯定清楚。

LZ文章的逻辑和起承转合比我强，这方面我就不献丑了。另外注意，综合写作是客观性的学生写作，第一，不能加入自己主观的想法；第二，不能用I, we, you和缩写词。
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-14 20:41
8.14 独立
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Although science and technology will continue to improve, the most significant improvement for the quality of people’s lives have already taken place.
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思路
1[让步].科学技术确实已经使我们的生活质量得到了很大的提升

E.g. 交通工具的升级使得人们可以在短时间前往世界各地, 扩大了人们的活动范围和生活效率

2[反对].目前人们的生活并不是十全十美的,只要还存在缺陷,就存在改进的机会,也就可能会有更大的improvement

E.g. 还有许多缺陷, 比如非洲人民很贫困

2[反对].没人能预知未来,也许会有更NB的东西发明出来,彻底改变人们的生活

E.g. 瞬移技术!!!Telesport可以highly increase the efficiency of people working.

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Whether the continuously advancing technology has already given birth to the most significant change of people’s live in the past several centuries is relatively a subject of discussion. Despite the fact that some legendary inventions such as light bulb, steam machine and Internet did push the human civilization into new eras, what will happen in the future still remains unpredictable. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she will be confident of the surely brighter future and therefore disagree with the title statement as I do.

At the very beginning, I have to admit thatinventions worked out by our creative and smart predecessors have improved the quality of people’s life to an unprecedented level. This point can be perfectly illustrated by the development of medicine during the past several years. Among the generation of our parents and grandparents, cancer was a word that is always accompanied with death and fear. However, present medical techniques entirely changed people’s attitude towards cancer. Deeper research findings, stronger skills of doctoring, and more powerful equipments in hospitals all helped to raise the survival rate of cancerous patients, which results in worldwide longevity and high quality of life. Besides medicine, achievements reached in transportation, communication, and entertainment all seems so amazing that are impossible to be surpassed.

However, there is a saying goes that, “possibility of progress lives in the existence of flaw.” As we do not live in a perfect world, the chance to optimize those unsatisfying points makes it possible for new technologies to achieve a larger success. It is widely known that majority of African live in a poor condition, suffering poverty, illness, and war. If scientists can work out new ways to improve the situation in Africa, for example, to fertilize their sterile farmland into loam, to eliminate the wide-spread infective illness, to boost their economic development, and to peace those long-last dispute of land ownership, these new technologies would undoubtedly be treated equally important with the former ones as they contribute to the overall improvement of the world’s average live standard.

Another reason that should not be ignored is that no one is able to predict the future. The possibility that people’s life can be completely changed should never be denied. Actually, many high-tech and advanced skills we can see in the science fiction movie act as examples for the future we could expect. One of my most expressed techniques is the one that enable human to teleport. Acquiring this technique, the pace of human’s life would soar up, fuel and room used for transportation can be reserved for a better use, and the time spent on road could be used for more meaningful place. With hope of new technique like this, it is too early to conclude what the most significant technology is.

Taking into account all the factors discussed above, I am full convincing that more significant science advances is surely going to happen in the future. If there is anyone who still doubt the room for science to develop, who still wonder the existence of more advanced skills, and who still do not understand the unpredictability of future, this passage is my answer.
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-15 17:49
8.15 独立
Parents should allow their children to make mistakes and let them learn from their own mistakes.
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Outlines----
1[支持].学到东西,长记性,不再犯
Trails and errors can be the greatest lessons. Children experience what it feels like to do stupid things so they learn that making poor decisions leads to thing not turning out well for them. These experiences will leave a lasting impression on children and they will learn to consistently make good decisions and avoid making the same mistakes.
E.g.忘记带homework to school, 打电话让妈妈送, 妈妈不送, 结果fail the class, 但是学会了check important thing before start doing everything.
2[支持].如果总是告诉孩子该做什么不该做什么,孩子会产生依赖性,不能自己做决策,不独立
Can not live independently.
3[让步].一些原则性的东西还是应该注意guide和cultivate,不能完全放任不管
Some mistakes should be prevented such as being addicted to alcohol or drug, because they might lead to children towards crimes and have unrecoverable effect on their life. 所以应该find a balance between the freedom and the restrain.
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Whether parents should provide detailed guidance on every step of children’s growth or just let their children to learn from mistakes by their own is relatively a subject of discussion. In most cases, parents never stop worrying about children’s health, education, and even social interaction and thereby it is hard for them let children alone to taste the bitterness of failure. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might recognize the necessity of the doing so as I do.

At the first place, every time when adults give advices or warning to youngsters, their purpose is to prevent the happening of the mistake permanently. However, what they failed to recognize is that letting children to learn by themselves works better. People tend to be more impressed by their own mistakes so that they will be more sensitive and conscious when being in the similar situation later. Children are not the exception. I remember that when I was in the first grade, once I forgot to bring homework to school. I called my mother but she rejected to help. Finally, I failed the class because of this homework, but in exchange, I form a precious habit to check important thing before start doing everything.

Another significant factor that should not be ignored is about children’s independence. If parents always tell children what should do and what should not, little chance would be left for children to think, judge and make decision on their own. In other words, under their parents’ protection and guidance, children’s growing environment will be too mild and comfortable for them to acquire the quality of independence and self-assertion. As parents can not accompany youngsters all the time, once the children are required to make a decision all alone, for example, when they are assigned a task in the work place that they should finish alone, they might feel helpless, confused, and even fear to sign the work without others’ assistance.

Granted, completely giving children freedom should be treated as a lack of responsibility for parents. Since some mistakes such as being addicted to alcohol or drug should be prevented for that they might lead to children towards crimes and have unrecoverable effect on their life. Therefore, what parents should make most effort to do is to find a balance between the freedom and the restrain they give to children.

Taking into account all the factors discussed above, I am fully convincing that giving children chances to make mistakes and learn from them benefit children a lot. If there is anyone who still wonder the most efficient way to prevent the happen of mistakes permanently, who still doubt the relationship between parents’ guidance and children’s independence, and who still do not understand the balance of freedom and restrain parents should strike, this passage is my answer.
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-16 18:05
8.16 独立
Nowadays, it is much easier to achieve success with help from one’s family than what is like before.
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
思路:
[第一段:支持] 生活水平提高,提高成功的可能性
             E.g. 原来家庭条件困难, 还得和父母分担生计问题, 现在吃好的喝好的, 享受高等教育, 所以更容易成功
[第二段: 支持] 父母更注重对孩子的培养
             E.g. 原来能有个高中学历就满足了, 现在重视教育,胎教神马的都出来了
[第三段: 让步] 家庭的支持只是起到辅助作用,真正还得靠个人
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whether families in the contemporary society can help to enlarge the potential for youngsters to become successful than it can do in the past is relatively a subject of discussion. As parents is spending a greater time and energy on the growth of their children, cosseting and spoiling also happened at the same time, which makes it hard for people to decide whether this change benefits or harms children more. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might recognize the essential help families have provided as I do.

To begin with, as the well-being and live standard has risen up in a considerably high velocity, with the increased average income, more money is available for parents to allocate on the growing of their children. That is, children in present society are enjoying an unprecedented high-quality life judging from all the aspects such as education, physical health and spiritual welfare. For instance, compared with the past generations in which children were even forced to share the family’s financial burden and worried about bread problem from an early age, modern teenagers can approach to special-designed dinners, their personal laptops, and even chances to go abroad and have a further study. Hence, the material progress achieved by adults helps children to build a stronger body, to acquire a more advanced education, and thereby construct a better foundation for children’s future success.

Another widely realized fact is that parents are paying more attention to their children than before. To speak more exaggeratedly, the center of a family has shifted from making more money to children’s cultivation during the past several tens of years. The most persuasive evidence is from the education aspect. People in the last generation were satisfied with a degree of middle school. But now it is hardly to find a person who never entered university. The duration for children’s education not only extended, but also became earlier. Even expectant mothers are busy with antenatal training in case their baby losses at the starting line. Not to mention the shocking large number of after-school activities that parents have arranged for their children. All the attention and stresses coming from families act as a catalyst for youngsters to success.

Granted, family’s help is not the guarantee of children’s success. A bright future is based not on others’ urging but on one’s inner willing to make effort. For a lazy person who does not have the desire to advance, he would not success even if his parents can buy him an offer of Harvard. However, compared with the past, what parents are doing today undoubtedly provides a larger opportunity for children to be access to success.

Taking into account all the factors discussed above, I am fully convincing that, although it is not decisive, parents have done greatly more than the past and built a stronger foundation for children’s road to success. If anyone who still wonders the relationship between the increasing living condition with potential to success, who still doubts the attention paid by parents to children, and who still do not understand what has been brought by the great effort made by families, this passage is my answer.
作者: kchszy061ban    时间: 2012-8-16 21:10
蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

Whether parents should provide detailed guidance on every step of children’s growth or just let their children to learn from mistakes by their own is relatively a subject of discussion. In most cases, parents never stop worrying about children’s health, education, and even social interaction and thereby it is hard for them let children alone to taste the bitterness of failure. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might recognize the necessity of the doing so as I do.

At the first place, every time when adults gives advices or warning to youngsters, their purpose is to prevent the happening of the mistake permanently. However, what they failed to recognize is that letting children to learn by themselves works better. People tend to be more impressed by their own mistakes so that they will be more sensitive and conscious when being in the similar situation later. Children are not the exception. I remember that when I was in the first grade, once I forgot to bring homework to school. I called my mother but she rejected to help. Finally, I failed the class because of this homework, but in exchange, I form a precious habit to check important thing before start doing everything.

Another significant factor that should not be ignored is about children’s independence. If parents always tell children what should do and what should not, little chance would be left for children to think, judge and make decision on their own. In other words, under their parents’ protection and guidance, children’s growing environment will be too mild and comfortable for them to acquire the quality of independence and self-assertion. As parents can not accompany youngsters all the time, once the children are required to make a decision all alone, for example, when they are assigned a task in the work place that they should finish alone, they might feel helpless, confused, and even fear to sign the work without others’ assistance.

Granted, completely giving children freedom should be treated as a lack of responsibility for parents. Since some mistakes such as being addicted to alcohol or drug should be prevented for that they might lead to children towards crimes and have unrecoverable effect on their life. Therefore, what parents should make most effort to do is to find a balance between the freedom and the restrain they give to children.

Taking into account all the factors discussed above, I am fully convincing that giving children chances to make mistakes and learn from them benefit children a lot. If there is anyone who still wonder the most efficient way to prevent the happen of mistakes permanently, who still doubt the relationship between parents’ guidance and children’s independence, and who still do not understand the balance of freedom and restrain parents should strike, this passage is my answer.

不错，嘿嘿
作者: Crystaljoy    时间: 2012-8-17 01:08
鸟麻半夜睡不着来瞅瞅大家改的作文，GW果真写的不错嘛~ ！语言完美了，内容充实。
但是仔细拜读还是发现一些小问题的，指出来一起讨论。

也希望以后改作文的童鞋把优秀的句子亮出来，一起欣赏学习。
我相信“态度决定一切”，放之四海皆准。


Whether parents should provide detailed guidance on every step of children’s growth or just let their children to learn from mistakes by their own is relatively a subject of discussion.（主语是否过长？可以用形式主语it’s ….whether…） In most cases, parents never stop worrying about children’s health, education, and even social interaction and thereby it is hard forthem let（可删） children alone to taste the bitterness of failure. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might recognize the necessity of the doing so as I do.（as I do放这有歧义）

At the first place, every time when adults gives advices（give advice 不可数） or warning to youngsters, their purpose is to prevent the happening of the mistake （一般都是prevent from doing吧，建议 avoid committing errors/ prevent the recurrence）permanently. However, what they failed (时态？fail) to recognize is that letting children to learn （+from past mistakes）by themselves works better. People tend to be more impressed by their own mistakes so that they will be more sensitive and conscious when being in the similar situation later. Children are not the(no) exception. I remember that when I was in the first grade, once I forgot to bring homework to school. I called my mother but she rejected to help. Finally, I failed the class because of this homework, but in exchange, I form(时态cultivated) a precious habit to check important thing before start doing everything. (语义是？double check my school bag before going to bed every night.)

Another significant factor that should not be ignored is about children’s independence. If parents always tell children what should do and what should not, little chance would be left for children to think, judge and make decision on their own. In other words, under their parents’ protection and guidance, children’s growing environment will be too mild and comfortable for them to acquire the quality of independence and self-assertion. As parents can not accompany youngsters all the time, once the children are required to make a decision all alone, for example, when they are assigned a task in the work place that they should finish alone,(插入语用得好！)they might feel helpless, confused, and even fear（fearful并列） to sign the work without others’ assistance.

Granted, completely giving children freedom should be treated as a lack of responsibility for parents. Since some mistakes such as being addicted to alcohol or drug should be prevented for that they might lead to children towards crimes and have（/exert） unrecoverable effect on their life. Therefore, what parents should make most effort to do is to find (/strike) a balance between the freedom and the restrain they give to children.

Taking into account all the factors discussed above(这个到底是take …into account 还是take into account… 有待我查证讨论), I am fully convincing（人convinced） that giving children chances to make mistakes and learn from them benefit children a lot. If there is anyone who still wonder（wonders） the most efficient way to prevent the happen（recurrence） of mistakes permanently, who still doubt(doubts) the relationship between parents’ guidance and children’s independence, and who still do (does)not understand the balance of freedom and restrain parents should strike, this passage is my answer.（haha! Obama！用在第一段多好！）





作者: 追梦CY    时间: 2012-8-17 01:10
围观 写的很棒！赞~~
之前看到GWinner给别人改得很好 果然是水平很高！学习了~~谢谢

感觉整体都很好 有些小的细节表达方面还可以更完善~不如审视一下自己的文章，给自己的大作也纠错分析，有时候他人的看法是比较局限的，自己总结提升，内化功力，进步也会很大！加油
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-17 09:47
哇哈哈版主大人大驾光临~~诚惶诚恐 感激涕零 无比激动阿阿阿~~~~~@ @
作文比起CD众多的NN们是差得远了哈 太多细节用词的不到位了 感谢斑竹大人这么认真的帮我改 受益良多@ @
下面自己写了点给自己mark一下^^

鸟麻半夜睡不着来瞅瞅大家改的作文，GW果真写的不错嘛~ ！语言完美了，内容充实。
但是仔细拜读还是发现一些小问题的，指出来一起讨论。

也希望以后改作文的童鞋把优秀的句子亮出来，一起欣赏学习。
我相信“态度决定一切”，放之四海皆准。


Whether parents should provide detailed guidance on every step of children’s growth or just let their children to learn from mistakes by their own is relatively a subject of discussion.（主语是否过长？可以用形式主语it’s ….whether…） In most cases, parents never stop worrying about children’s health, education, and even social interaction and thereby it is hard forthem let（可删） children alone to taste the bitterness of failure. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might recognize the necessity of the doing so as I do.（as I do放这有歧义）[是呢0.0写的时候没注意居然连着两个do了..]

At the first place, every time when adults gives advices（give advice 不可数） or warning to youngsters, their purpose is to prevent the happening of the mistake （一般都是prevent from doing吧，建议 avoid committing errors/ prevent the recurrence）permanently. However, what they failed (时态？fail) to recognize is that letting children to learn （+from past mistakes）by themselves works better. People tend to be more impressed by their own mistakes so that they will be more sensitive and conscious when being in the similar situation later. Children are not the(no) exception. I remember that when I was in the first grade, once I forgot to bring homework to school. I called my mother but she rejected to help. Finally, I failed the class because of this homework, but in exchange, I form(时态cultivated) a precious habit to check important thing before start doing everything. (语义是？double check my school bag before going to bed every night.) [嗯嗯 应该改成这样才对~原来那样思维太跳跃逻辑GAP了]

Another significant factor that should not be ignored is about children’s independence. If parents always tell children what should do and what should not, little chance would be left for children to think, judge and make decision on their own. In other words, under their parents’ protection and guidance, children’s growing environment will be too mild and comfortable for them to acquire the quality of independence and self-assertion. As parents can not accompany youngsters all the time, once the children are required to make a decision all alone, for example, when they are assigned a task in the work place that they should finish alone,(插入语用得好！)they might feel helpless, confused, and even fear（fearful并列） to sign the work without others’ assistance.

Granted, completely giving children freedom should be treated as a lack of responsibility for parents. Since some mistakes such as being addicted to alcohol or drug should be prevented for that they might lead to children towards crimes and have（/exert） unrecoverable effect on their life. Therefore, what parents should make most effort to do is to find (/strike) a balance between the freedom and the restrain they give to children.

Taking into account all the factors discussed above(这个到底是take …into account 还是take into account… 有待我查证讨论)[貌似比较常见的都是take...into account哈 这里觉得all the factors...太长 就给放后面了...不知道行不行> <...], I am fully convincing（人convinced） that giving children chances to make mistakes and learn from them benefit children a lot. If there is anyone who still wonder（wonders） the most efficient way to prevent the happen（recurrence） of mistakes permanently, who still doubt(doubts) the relationship between parents’ guidance and children’s independence, and who still do (does)not understand the balance of freedom and restrain parents should strike, this passage is my answer.（haha! Obama！用在第一段多好！）







-- by 会员 Crystaljoy (2012/8/17 1:08:21)



总结一下其中斑竹大人指出的错误+可以优化的用词:

1. he or she might recognize the necessity of the doing so as I do这里出现歧义...直接改成原来用的he or she might recognize the accuracy of the title statement as I do得了...

2. give advice中advice不可数, 所以give advice to

3. prevent the happening of the mistake 应该是prevent from, 优化: prevent the recurrence permanently (recurrence这词儿牛!)

4. children are not the exception --> children are no exception

5. have unrecoverable effect on --> exert unrecoverable effect on

6. find a balance between --> strike a balance between

7. I am fully convincing --> I am fully convinced

总归而言自己的词汇量还是太小 以至于有些地方其实一个词就可以说清楚的事情 被我洛里啰嗦说半天..比如recurrence~还有一些煞风景的小错误

再次感谢斑竹大人的批改~~~~

CDers们加油！！！





作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-17 09:51
围观 写的很棒！赞~~
之前看到GWinner给别人改得很好 果然是水平很高！学习了~~谢谢

感觉整体都很好 有些小的细节表达方面还可以更完善~不如审视一下自己的文章，给自己的大作也纠错分析，有时候他人的看法是比较局限的，自己总结提升，内化功力，进步也会很大！加油
-- by 会员 追梦CY (2012/8/17 1:10:09)



这位童鞋我对你的头像印象很深的哈~~一看就认出你啦^^
我哪里有水平很高嘛 CD牛人云集 大家互相学习共同进步啦^^

谢谢你的建议~有时候自己写完就犯懒 很少自查 多谢提醒我! 以后也要花时间总结自己的文章~
作者: 追梦CY    时间: 2012-8-17 12:16
@鸟儿斑斑  看完鸟儿斑斑的修改真的好佩服！
很多地方我觉得改得太好了，和我自己第一遍欣赏这篇文章时的修改相比更加精炼，不愧是斑竹啊
好像看互改的很少能看到这么认真 使文章更无懈可击了 受益良多啊

@GWinner 我也好喜欢我的头像哈哈
总结的也好棒~~ 以后会经常来欣赏佳作的哈！
态度决定一切 说的好啊！！！！
作者: Crystaljoy    时间: 2012-8-17 13:45
乃们不要flatter我！
乃们都比当年的我有才多了！
刚看完margrate的，我又是一脸崇拜！
28+，妥妥的！我等乃们回来给小分队红人馆添砖加瓦！
作者: hjl80959    时间: 2012-8-18 09:48
蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结或模板红色为错误

Nowadays, it is much easier to achieve success with help from one’s family than what is like before.

Whether families in the contemporary society can help to enlarge the potential for youngsters to become successful than it can do （删除）in the past is relatively a subject of discussion. As parents is spending a greater time and energy on the growth of their children, cosseting and spoiling also happened（时态） at the same time, which makes it hard for people to decide whether this change benefits or harms children more. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might recognize the essential help families have provided as I do.

To begin with, as the well-being and live standard has risen up in a considerably high velocity, with the increased average income, more money（more source单纯的money怎么体现前面的作用） is available for parents to allocate on the growing（growth） of their children. That is, children in present society are enjoying an unprecedented high-quality life judging from all the aspects such as education, physical health（fitness） and spiritual welfare. For instance, compared with the past generations in which children were even forced to share the family’s financial burden and worried about bread problem from an early age, modern teenagers can approach to （possess ，approach接近方法没有获得的意思）special-designed dinners, their personal laptops, and even chances to go abroad and have a further study. Hence, the material progress achieved by adults helps children to build a stronger body, to acquire a more advanced education, and thereby construct a better foundation for children’s future success.
全是长句子啊，读的让人喘不过气。。
Another widely realized fact is that parents are paying more attention to their children than before. To speak more exaggeratedly, the center of a family has shifted from making more money to（focusing on）children’s cultivation during the past several tens of years. The most persuasive evidence is from the education aspect. People in the last generation were satisfied with a degree of middle school. But now it is hardly to find a person who never entered university. The duration for children’s education not only extended, but also became earlier（持续时间变早了？有点怪）. Even expectant mothers are busy with antenatal training（这个有点高级地说）in case their baby losses at the starting line. Not to mention the shocking large number of after-school activities that parents have arranged for their children.（我觉得这两句可以并起来说 No to mention the after-school activities, even expectant mother has prepared antenatal training for the cute nursery.） All the attention and stresses coming from families act as a catalyst for youngsters to success.
句子那个长啊。



Another equivalently significant part is that parents pay more attention to children than before. Specifically, the focus of a family has shifted from earning money to cultivating their children in the past decades. What the public understand profoundly is the collective (general) education. Compared to the generally (widely) accepted degree of middle school in the last generation, nowadays, a degree of college has been a basic revelation for an individual ability. Moreover, even expectant mother has prepared antenatal training for the coming nursery, not to mention burden after-school activities arranged to students. All these elements and conditions coming from families act as a catalyst for youngsters to success.
Granted, family’s help is not the guarantee of children’s success. A bright future is based not on others’ urging but on one’s inner willing to make effort. For a lazy person who does not have the desire to advance, he would not success even if his parents can buy him an offer of Harvard. However, compared with the past, what parents are doing today undoubtedly provides a larger opportunity for children to be access to success.（what parents provide bestows their children more opportunity to get access to success）

Taking into account all the factors discussed above, I am fully convincing that, although it is not decisive, parents have done greatly more than the past and built a stronger foundation for children’s road to success. If anyone who still wonders the relationship between the increasing living condition with potential to success, who still doubts the attention paid by parents to children, and who still do not understand what has been brought by the great effort made by families, this passage is my answer.

我觉得理由写的都不错，不过总觉得句子貌似都太长了，读起来怪怪的，不知道是什么毛病，我挑一段按照我的写法来写你的句子吧，看看有什么不同？

昨天找你的文章没找到，我以为在最后一页，没想到在中间。
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-18 12:00
哈哈我也@一个^^话说CD应该拓展一个@功能哈....

@斑竹大人
能进一回红人馆 那这辈子也值了T T

@追梦
别佳作啦 赶紧着多来给我挑刺儿吧!!!~
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-18 12:05
@hjl

对对我一直纠结这个句子长不通顺的问题...一直不知道该怎么来改善

太感谢了 你还帮我写了一段~~感动@ @

看了你写的那段感觉比我那个通顺多了 也让人更愿意读下去...我着重看了看句子的长度 发现其实我那里面也有短句, 但是可能是组织在一起就显得很乱很繁杂 没有你写的那段逻辑和叙述都来得清爽....而且有些词汇也有的很罗嗦 比如当时写的时候就没想到可以用last decades 而用的是in the past several ten years 这样就把句子变得又臭又长了...

关于这个问题hjl你有木有什么可以解决的建议呢?  求指导阿~~~~
作者: hjl80959    时间: 2012-8-18 15:30
应该多斟酌斟酌就好了吧，你写的时候自己也跟着读读，顺畅了不就好了，不知道你这个是不是按照时间完成的，如果是的话，你比我厉害，我都30之内润色不到这样，最好的办法就是你一个劲的往下面写，然后最后一个劲的改，当然30分钟还是太有限了
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-21 00:30
8.20 独立
A person’s job has more effects on his or her happiness than this person’s social life does.


Whether we can gain more happiness from our occupation or a harmony social life is relatively a subject of discussion. As working seems to be closely related with our physical quality of life, one’s social life is likely to play an important part in people’s mental well-being. Since no one can live a satisfactory life without either physical guarantee or mental well-being, it is hard for people to decide which one brings us more happiness. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might recognize the decisive role played by our job and agree with the title statement as I do.

At the very first place, I have to admit that we can never contradict the significance and necessity of a healthy social life. No one can cut the connection with others and the outside world and permanently live in his own place alone. Therefore, when a friction appears, for example, the dispute between spouses, the conflict between children and parents, and the angry between friends, it is usually accompanied a bad mood or even poor health, which, undoubtedly, will negatively influence people’s happiness.

However, compared with social life, one’s job affects his or her mood and physical health in a more primary and powerful way. To begin with, income earned by working is the guarantee of people’s source of food, clothes, and shelter. Without this basic monetary supporting, people will suffer starvation, coldness, and even threat of security. Further, not limited to the physical well-being, a job can also bring some welfare in the mental aspect. After the most basic survival demand has been satisfied, people’s demand would shift to a higher level—the sense of achievement, external social status, and internal respect. And the unique place for people to satisfy these demands is workplace. This can perfectly explain the reason why tons of children are still willing to build their own career even if their parents had earned exhaustless money for their entire life. Individual achievement during work can generate incredibly large happiness, which makes one’s life highly-valued.

Moreover, when discussing the happiness effect of social life and occupation, it is not enough to stop on the conclusion that occupation can fulfill more demand than social life. Another more insightful point that should not be ignored is that part of the happiness brought by social interaction is based on the foundation constructed by one’s work. Not only earnings from occupation is the material guarantee for us to enhance previous social interaction by hanging out shopping with friends and promoting the life standard for family, working place can also provide us a platform to find more friends with similar interest, therefore optimizes our social cycle.

Taking into account all the factors discussed above, I am fully convinced that one’s job acts as a more important role than social life to generate happiness and satisfaction. If there is anyone who still wonders the higher demand people can fulfill from working, who still doubts the inferior position of social life compared with occupation, and who still do not understand the basic function of job, this passage is my answer.
作者: 瓜瓜不瓜    时间: 2012-8-21 10:59
8.20 独立
A person’s job has more effects on his or her happiness than this person’s social life does.

呀呀呀！忘记说了，红色为错误，蓝色为建议，高亮是精彩


Whether we can gain more happiness from our occupation or a harmony social life is relatively a subject of discussion. As working seems to be closely related with our physical quality of life, one’s social life is likely to(be likely to表示事情有可能发生，用在这里不合适) play an important part in people’s mental well-being. Since no one can live a satisfactory life without either physical guarantee or mental well-being, it is hard for people to decide which one brings us more happiness. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might recognize the decisive role played by our job and agree with the title statement as I do.

At the very first place, I have to admit that we can never contradict the significance and necessity of a healthy social life. No one can cut the connection with others and the outside world（+，）and permanently live in his own place alone. Therefore, when a friction appears, for example, the dispute between spouses, the conflict between children and parents, and the angry between friends, it is usually accompanied a bad mood or even poor health, which, undoubtedly, will negatively influence people’s happiness.

However, compared with social life, one’s job affects his or her mood and physical health in a more primary and powerful way. To begin with, income earned by working is the guarantee of people’s source of food, clothes, and shelter. Without this basic monetary supporting（support可以直接做名词，更加简洁）, people will suffer （+from 固定搭配）starvation, coldness, and even threat of security. Further, not（+only） limited to the physical well-being,（似乎要加了only才有点表达出你想要的意思，但是这个修饰部分感觉还是不是太好，建议去掉也可以） a job can also bring some welfare in the mental aspect（aspect用在这里感觉并不地道，建议直接改成，bring mental welfare）.After(建议改成once) the most basic survival demand has been satisfied, people’s demand wouldshift（我感觉shift的感觉和lift一样，这里用be shifted会不会更合适） to a higher level—the sense of achievement, external social status, and internal respect. And the unique place for people to satisfy these demands is workplace. This can perfectly explain the reason why tons of children are still willing to build their own career even if their parents had earned exhaustless money for their entire life.（这个例子的表达很好） Individual achievement during work can generate incredibly large happiness, which makes one’s life highly-valued.

Moreover, when discussing the happiness effect of social life and occupation, it is not enough to stop（GW想表达的是讨论停留在某个阶段远远不够对吧，但是你用的表达不太正确。we have to probe into the topic deeply rather than stop on the conclusion that....） on the conclusion that occupation can fulfill more demand than social life. Another more insightful point that should not be ignored is that part of the happiness brought by social interaction is based on the foundation constructed by one’s work. Not only earnings from occupation is the material guarantee for us to enhance previous social interaction by hanging out shopping with friends and promoting the life standard for family, working place can also provide us a platform to find more friends with similar interest, therefore optimizes our social cycle.

Taking into account all the factors discussed above, I am fully convinced that one’s job acts as a more important role than social life to generate happiness and satisfaction. If there is anyone who still wonders the higher demand people can fulfill from working, who still doubts the inferior position of social life compared with occupation, and who still do not understand the basic function of job, this passage is my answer. (额...这个句子哪里看来的？瓜瓜不才，但是我觉得用这句话用在结尾并木有太好~ GW可以问问坛子里，或者群里的大牛们这句到底要不要用哈)

总评：GW对语言的运用挺好的，从句套从句的好多，但是没有出错。
        但是我还是建议能用简单的表达 eg：adj.+n.就不要用定语从句了，尽量使表达显得effective and efficient.

        在段落的安排上，GW采用的是也是2段正，一段让步，但是你是把让步放在正观点的前面。 一般情况下，大家都是先正观点再放让步段。瓜瓜也不知道是你的安排好呢还是大众一点的好。但是整体看下来逻辑还是很连贯，应该是没有问题哒，小众说不定更容易出彩~。GW要是想保险起见呢，还是建议问问大牛们~

        总之~很不错！加油啦!
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-8-22 08:47
@瓜同学

一直在纠结自己的句子用的太罗嗦 "adj.+n.就不要用定语从句了，尽量使表达显得effective and efficient"这个意见很实用呢! 以后写作文脑子里就绷着这根弦^^~

感觉结尾那里有问题的话事儿可就大了> <...这个结尾是我从其他人那里借鉴来的.....还请各位NN指教.......

段落的分布问题也是个大事儿...我是一直依着自己感觉写 是不是只要是五段式就没什么大问题呢? 感觉逻辑还算顺畅吧....> <?

最后感谢瓜同学的中肯建议！！！咱们加油！！！！
作者: GWinner    时间: 2012-10-6 16:44
10.6
Your job will have more effect on your happiness than the social life does.

Whether we can gain more happiness from our occupation or a harmony social life is relatively a subject of discussion. As working seems to be closely related with our physical quality of life, one’s social life is likely to play an important part in people’s mental well-being. Since no one can live a satisfactory life without either physical guarantee or mental well-being, it is hard for people to decide which one brings us more happiness. However, if one considers the following reasons, he or she might recognize the decisive role played by our job and agree with the title statement as I do.

At the very first place, I have to admit that we can never contradict the significance and necessity of a healthy social life. No one can cut the connection with others and the outside world and permanently live in his own place alone. Therefore, when a friction appears, for example, the dispute between spouses, the conflict between children and parents, and the angry between friends, it is usually accompanied a bad mood or even poor health, which, undoubtedly, will negatively influence people’s happiness.

However, compared with social life, one’s job affects his or her mood and physical health in a more primary and powerful way. To begin with, income earned by working is the guarantee of people’s source of food, clothes, and shelter. Without this basic monetary supporting, people will suffer starvation, coldness, and even threat of security. Further, not limited to the physical well-being, a job can also bring some welfare in the mental aspect. After the most basic survival demand has been satisfied, people’s demand would shift to a higher level—the sense of achievement, external social status, and internal respect. And the unique place for people to satisfy these demands is workplace. This can perfectly explain the reason why tons of children are still willing to build their own career even if their parents had earned exhaustless money for their entire life. Individual achievement during work can generate incredibly large happiness, which makes one’s life highly-valued.

Moreover, when discussing the happiness effect of social life and occupation, it is not enough to stop on the conclusion that occupation can fulfill more demand than social life. Another more insightful point that should not be ignored is that part of the happiness brought by social interaction is based on the foundation constructed by one’s work. Not only earnings from occupation is the material guarantee for us to enhance previous social interaction by hanging out shopping with friends and promoting the life standard for family, working place can also provide us a platform to find more friends with similar interest, therefore optimizes our social cycle.

Taking into account all the factors discussed above, I am fully convinced that one’s job acts as a more important role than social life to generate happiness and satisfaction. If there is anyone who still wonders the higher demand people can fulfill from working, who still doubts the inferior position of social life compared with occupation, and who still do not understand the basic function of job, this passage is my answer.



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