ChaseDream

标题: 作文很烂，欢迎拍砖，下定决心好好写 [打印本页]
作者: 丰碑无语Yee    时间: 2012-7-4 19:14
标题: 作文很烂，欢迎拍砖，下定决心好好写
作者: 丰碑无语Yee    时间: 2012-7-4 19:15
7月5日 独立
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? High school students should take a course on basic economics.



Nowadays, economic play a crucial role in our society. More and more people hope students to take a course on basic economics in the high school. They believe that high school students should understand some basic economical knowledge. When they watch TV and view a website, some economical information will be understood better. However, I assert that high school students should not take a course on basic economic early. I have a number of reasons for feeling this way, and they are all based on my personal experience.

Firstly, taking a famous university is first purpose as a high school students. There is no time to take other courses. They have to learn and review hardly so that they can take the university entrance examination and get a good offer. At the same time, they have to spend time to do physical practice so that they can stay health. Nothing is more important than take the university entrance examination, so it is too waste time to take a course on basic economics.

In addition, economics as a major in the university. If students are interested in economics, they can choose it as their major in the university. There are a large of opportunities to learn economics in the future. However, some students don’t like economics, it is not necessary to take a course on basic economics in the high school.

Finally, a number of high schools do not own economical teachers, if high schools offer a economic course, they will employ new teachers. But in some countries economic crisis have lasted long time, a part of high schools are lack of money. They can not afford it. Thus, it is not true that offering a economic course in high school.

Above all, although we are living a colorful and rich world, there is great value in learning economic course, as high school students must study their main courses. There is no denying that everyone wants to go to college. In a word, we should do right things at right time.


作者: kchszy061ban    时间: 2012-7-5 23:08
蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误



Nowadays, economic plays a crucial role in our(human) society. More and more people hope students to take a course on basic economics in the high school. They believe that high school students should understand some basic economical knowledge. When they watch TV and view a website, some economical information will be understood better. However, I assert that high school students should not take a course on basic economic early. I have a number of reasons for feeling this way, and they are all based on my personal experience.

Firstly, taking a famous university is first purpose as a high school students. There is no time to take other courses. They have to learn and review hardly so that they can take the university entrance examination and get a good offer. At the same time, they have to spend time to do physical practice so that they can stay healthy. Nothing is more important than take the university entrance examination, so it is too waste time to take a course on basic economics.(it is a waste of time or it is too waste to spend time to take a course on basic economics)

In addition, economics as a major in the university. If students are interested in economics, they can choose it as their major in the university. There are a large of opportunities to learn economics in the future. However, some students don’t like economics, it is not necessary to take a course on basic economics in the high school.

Finally, a number of high schools do not own economical teachers, if high schools offer a economic course, they will employ new teachers. But in some countries economic crisis have lasted (for a) long time, a part of high schools are lack(short of ) of money. They can not afford it. Thus, it is not true that offering a economic course in high school.

Above all, although we are living( in )a colorful and rich world, there is(it is of ) great value (to) in learning economic course, as high school students must study their main courses. There is no denying that everyone wants to go to college. In a word, we should do right things at right time.



文章整体逻辑处理的很好啦。然后就是句子，实际上说就是翻译的问题了。建议看下高分写作120，这个里面讲的是怎么写句子啊，段落啊什么的，很有用很实际的说。我正在看，还是从图书馆借来的。嘿嘿。
作者: 丰碑无语Yee    时间: 2012-7-6 09:53
非常感谢，我的作文一直很垃圾，这就好好看，
作者: kchszy061ban    时间: 2012-7-6 10:39
非常感谢，我的作文一直很垃圾，这就好好看，
-- by 会员 丰碑无语Yee (2012/7/6 9:53:04)

一起进步哈，都是从不会写到写的很好，总会有一个过程。 嘿嘿。
作者: 丰碑无语Yee    时间: 2012-7-6 20:48
7月6日
Do you agree with the viewpoint that people are now easier to become educated than in the past?
    
    Do you think that many children can easily get what they want ? Do you find that all kinds of ideas appear in our colorful and rich society? Do you feel that junior people are easier to be educated than senior people?  A series of questions have lots of reasons.
    To begin with, the development of society in the past is slow. A large number of people live in pool environment. Such hard circumstance train personal quality. The old people suffer many difficult things in the past so that when they accept all kinds of difficult and solve problems, they will show remarkable endurance. They are easier to be educated.
    In addition, the standard of economic and life have improved so quickly. Many families spend enough money to give their children. More and more children are doted by parents. When children make mistakes, parent will neglect them. Children are too weak in emotional to be educated. They are often lost in this world. If they are educated, they will suicides or make more danger thing. They can not control themselves better.
    Finally, our society become more and more open, different ideas come to our country. For instance, Falun Gong Cult and terroristic organization, which ideas may play negative or positive roles in the country. In currently, the negative always be accepted easily by people because people are during a lot of pressure and the heavy burden from their family and society. Thus, once they accept those negative ideas, the result is so badly. They are educated to be normal hardly. However, there is not so complicated ideas in the past, the ideas of people are pure, they are more easy educated.
    Above all, those messages are all based on my own personal experience. We should understand the environment of society clearly.  We also should have right personal value and sense world. When we make a mistake, we can correct them and promise never to do them. Learning positive points are not ignored in our life. Only this way, there is no denying that the qualities of our living have gone from good to better.
作者: tyyhappy    时间: 2012-7-8 00:46
红色是修改，蓝色是疑问和建议。

Do you think that many children can easily get what they want ? Do you find that all kinds of ideas appear in our colorful and rich society? Do you feel that junior people are easier to be educated than senior people?  A series of questions have lots of reasons. （列了现象，但是没有陈述你的观点）
   To begin with, the development of society in the past is slow. A large number of people live in pool environment. Such hard circumstance（个人觉得用less developed society） train personal quality(这句话意思不是很懂). The old people suffer many difficult things in the past so that when they accept（encounter） all kinds of difficult and solve problems, they will show remarkable endurance（觉得加个probably更好，论证上要严谨哪）. （therefore）They are easier to be educated.
   In addition, the standard of economic and life have improved so quickly. Many families spend enough money to give their children（要表达什么呢，是spend enough money on their children吗？）. More and more children are doted by parents. When children make mistakes, parent will neglect them. Children are too weak in emotional to be educated（这个表述没看懂）. They are often lost in this world. If they are educated, they will suicides or make more danger thing（do things,还有先do dangerous things 再自杀，要有逻辑顺序。）. They can not control themselves（control their behaviors） better.
   Finally, our society become more and more open, different ideas come to our country. For instance, Falun Gong Cult and terroristic organization, which ideas may play negative or positive roles in the country. In currently, the negative always be accepted easily by people because people are during(enduring/suffering) a lot of pressure and the heavy burden from their family and society. Thus, once they accept those negative ideas, the result is so badly(bad). They are educated to be normal hardly(要表达什么意思呢？). However, there is not so complicated ideas（is ideas谓语不对） in the past, the ideas of people are pure, they are more easy（easily） educated.
   Above all, those messages are all based on my own personal experience. We should understand the environment of society clearly.  We also should have right personal value and sense world. When we make a mistake, we can correct them and promise never to do them(to never do that). Learning positive points are(should) not ignored in our life. Only this way, there is no denying that the qualities of our living have gone from good to better.

To 丰碑，happy来晚了，不好意思。

Happy的意见比较多，不要介意哦。

用词有些不恰当:形容词、副词混用，搭配不当。小错误较多

表述不够地道：动宾搭配等。

句子表述结构上，短句子多了些，长短间杂最好，句式不够丰富。

觉得这个论点有些偏，不容易写好。
作者: 丰碑无语Yee    时间: 2012-7-12 18:22
7月11日
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement that it is good for children to have similar jobs with you.

Do you find that children often imitative older people? Do you find that children usually talk about topic which is not adapt their age? Do you find that children become more and more mature? The above phenomenon appears our life and is inevitable for children. However, different people hold different ideas about the point, some people believe that it is good for children to have similar jobs with you. Based on my personal experience the statement is compelling. There are several reasons to explain my view.

    To begin with, different people have different ages who should do right thing so that similar with ages. When you are a baby, you should learn how to eating, speaking and all kinds of behaviors about human. When you become a young man you have to go to school, learn some knowledge and build right personal value. When you are old man you should love our children make sure they are growing healthy and take care of your parents so that they can enjoy their last time in the world. These are you should do thing in your every ages.
But some children want to do something which they should do. For instance, children don’t finish their homework, they will say “ why my parents don’t need write them, so I needn’t do them yet.” Yes, children want to have similar jods with you, but they are wrong.

    In addition, there are all kinds of temptation in our colorful and rich society, children can not endure them. They want to try something like major. Like puppy love, they don’t own mature ideas. Their clothes are more popular for children, even they admire some very sexy dressing. Those are very bad for their growing and personal value. Maybe our society become too open and  divorce very usual. So parents should pay attention to their children, educate them build right value and tell them do right thing in right time.

    Finally if you assert that children should have similar jobs with you, children will have unhealthy spirit. You make money, your children also make money. You watch TV, your children also watch TV. You play computer games, your children also play computer games. You drinking and smoking, your children drinking and smoking too. One day, you find your children aren’t a pure children suddenly. They are not normal people, because they have learned too much thing which are not adopt their age. The results are made by yourself.

    Above all, in my view, there is no denying that right time should do right thing, right age should do adapt their age thing too. Only this way, people will build right personal value and world sense. Without right value, the world is not peaceful and harmonious.
作者: 丰碑无语Yee    时间: 2012-7-12 18:22
TOP2 综合 7.11
The lecture claims that it is not the best way to approach certain new projects is to assemble a group of people into a team, which plays some bad roles in project. However, this claim is not in agreement with that of the reading passage, which suggests that such a group team will be benefical.
    
    According to the lecture, if a group of people get some success and reward, so every people will be rewarded, but some group people do not do some useful work and contribute much at all, those people who should not get this reward. However, the reading passage, by contrast, suggests that a group of people has a wider range of knowledge and skills than any single individual is likely to process. Besides, the numbers of people process greater recourses. They can work more quickly. This is directly contradicts what the passage indicates.


    The second point of difference between the lecture and the reading passage concerns that a group people make a decision is too much slowly and waste time. The lecture asserts that when group of members make a decision should meeting or ask other people advise.  They will spend much time and have many bother. Rather than, the reading passage believes that the group spreads responsibility for a decision to all the members and thus no single individual can be held accountable if the decision turns out to be wrong. This was another place where experience contradicted theory.


    Finally, the lecture argues that if a group of people are working, some of people who may sad or negative, they will have a bad impact on their members. However, the reading passage contends that team members who have a voice in making a decision will no doubt feel better about carrying out the work that is entailed by the decision than they might doing work that is imposed on them by others. A team’s overall results can be more far-reaching and have greater influence than what might have otherwise been possible for the person to accomplish or contribute jobs alone.
作者: Aaaaaaangela    时间: 2012-7-12 22:12
亲，一下都是我的一些小小的建议和个人的一些看法，可能也不是太正确，一起进步哈
Do you find that children often imitative older people? Do you find that children usually talk about topic which is not adapt(ing) their age? Do you find that children become
more and more mature? The above phenomenon appears our life and is inevitable for children. However, different people hold different ideas about the
point, some people believe that it isgood for children to have similar jobs with you. Based on my personal experience the statement is compelling. There
are several reasons to explain my view.    前面三个问句挺好的呢，但是前面三个问句和后面引出的similar job貌似很突兀，关系是有一点，但是不是逻辑一下子跳太快了。很早以前看过一个写作文的帖子，介绍是托福写作文最好是能把起因经过结果连贯地讲清楚，这个结果是怎么引起的要讲清楚，感觉你太跳跃了。

   To begin with, different people have different ages who（which，这个是修饰前面的ages的。。。。不能用who。。。亲，如果你分不清什么时候用who，which的话，建议统一用that。。） should do （the）right thing(things) so that similar with ages. (标红色的都是我觉得不对的，但是这句话错的太多了，我不知道怎么改了。。)（建议把整句话改成，people have their own specific period to do things which is  fit for it ）When you are a baby, you should learn how to eating(eat), speaking(speak) and all kinds of behaviors about human(and so on,中国式英语。。。我能看懂，不能保证外国人能看懂。。). When you become a young man you have to (为什么要用have to，长大后去上学不是很正常么。。还有不得不？？？！！)go to school, learn some knowledge and build right personal value. When you are（a） old man you should love our（your） children（，and） make sure they are growing healthy and take(taking) care of your parents so that they can enjoy their last time in the world. These are you should do thing in your every ages.
But some children want to do something which they should do. For instance, children don’t finish their homework, they will say “ why my parents don’t need write them, so I needn’t do them yet.” Yes, children want to have similar jods with you, but they are wrong.（亲我没有看出来你是怎么把similar job引出来的。。。）你的整一段都在讲会小时候学习什么balabala，然后什么养孩子了，养父母了，但是和选择similar job有神马关系！！！！！！如果一定要说有点联系的话，就是你说的那个什么学习吃饭那个和学习工作有点点联系，但是真心很牵强。。。。还有不要人称要统一啊啊啊，还有能不要用you, you, you的么，真心看了很难受，建议用we，这样能拉近看作文的人的距离。。。

   In addition, there are all kinds of temptation in our colorful and rich society, children can not endure（这个是形容难以忍受痛苦的。。。不是什么诱惑啊啊啊） them（it，不可数就不要用them了。。。。）. They want to try something like major（什么意思，这个是可以try的么。。）. Like puppy love, （however，）they don’t own mature ideas. Their clothes are more popular for children, even they admire some very sexy dressing. Those are very bad for their growing and personal value. Maybe our society become too open and  divorce very usual. So parents should pay attention to their children,（and） educate them（to） build（the） right value and tell them do right thing in right time.什么在多彩的社会中有很多诱惑啦，很用以被吸引了。。什么漂亮的衣服啦，还社会开放离婚什么的，和主题有什么关系啊。。。。就为了说家长要教育孩子做正确的事？？？难道不是要说明similar job么。。。。

   Finally if you assert that children should have similar jobs with you, children will have unhealthy spirit. You make money, your children also make money. You watch TV, your children also watch TV. You play computer games, your children also play computer games. You drinking and smoking, your children drinking and smoking too. One day, you find your children aren’t a pure children suddenly. They are not normal people, because they have learned too much thing which are not adopt their age. The results are made by yourself.   看电视，玩电脑游戏为什么会是一个job啊。。。赚钱为什么是一个job啊。。。。吸烟为什么是一个job啊。。。。。

   Above all, in my view, there is no denying that right time should do right thing, right age should do adapt their age thing too. Only this way, people will build right personal value and world sense. Without right value, the world is not peaceful and harmonious.亲，

你确定是在写similar job 这篇文章么。。。  
整篇文章基本看不出关于主旨的东西。。。而且错误也不少。开头应该是套用的吧，三个问句写的挺好的，但是能不能改一下，和主旨结合地更精密一点。字数是不少啦，但是明显没什么实质性的内容。。。。建议今后在文章构思，例子构成，语言三个方面注意一下。。。。。
作者: 丰碑无语Yee    时间: 2012-7-12 22:24
非常感谢，很受用啦，不过开头是自己编的，我对这片文章理解的跑题了，我的水平其实很差的，现在快愁死了~~有什么好的写作建议希望快快提出啊~
作者: qianjun06    时间: 2012-7-13 07:23
TOP2 综合 7.11
The lecture claims that it is not the best way to approach certain new projects is to assemble a group of people into a team, which plays some bad roles in project. However, this claim is not in agreement with that of the reading passage, which suggests that such a group team will be benefical.

   According to the lecture, if a group of people get some success and reward, so every people will be rewarded, but some group people do not do some useful work and contribute much at all, those people who should not get this reward. However, the reading passage, by contrast, suggests that a group of people has a wider range of knowledge and skills than any single individual is likely to process. Besides, the numbers of people process greater recourses. They can work more quickly. This is directly contradicts what the passagelectureindicates.   passage的东西有点过多


   The second point of difference between the lecture and the reading passage concerns that a group people make a decision is too much slowly and waste time这个观点到底是lecture呢还是passage？. The lecture asserts that when group of members make a decision ，they should meeting or ask other people advise.  They will spend much time and have many bothers. Rather than, the reading passage believes that the group spreadsspendresponsibility for a decision to all the members and thus no single individual can be held accountable if the decision turns out to be wrong. This was another place where experience contradicted theory.


   Finally, the lecture argues that if a group of people are working, some of people who may sad or negative, they will have a bad impact on their members. However, the reading passage contends that team members who have a voice in making a decision will no doubt feel better about carrying out the work that is entailed by the decision than they might doing work that is imposed on them by others. A team’s overall results can be more far-reaching and have greater influence than what might have otherwise been possible for the person to accomplish or contribute jobs alone. 阅读东西太多了
作者: 丰碑无语Yee    时间: 2012-7-29 23:54
7月29日
10.08.20NA the most important investment for a company is to spend money to improve the work skills of its employees.

    One day, when you push your company’s door in the future, you see the very clean desk, beautiful fresh flowers, comfortable light and pleasant mood. You get along well with your companies. I believe that you must feel very happy and have full of power to do your work all day. However, some people assert that a company should investment a large of money to improve the work skills of its employees. Although work skills are important to company, other aspects are play a cruel role in company, such as work environment, colleagues’ relationship and team work.

    Under the background of economic crisis and great competition, everyone have a good skill in the company, which also have stronger skills in their field. There is no denying that good skills will improve the company’s competition, but your environment is dirty, there are a lot of contradiction between you and your colleagues, and your leader are lazy and selfish, I feel that your company which have stronger skills will nearly bankrupt in the future. Thus it is necessary to spend money to improve skills, but the comfortable work environment and harmonious interpersonal relationship is the same important.

    Steve jobs, after taking over a nearly bankrupt Apple, designed iPods, iPhones and iPads, which hit it big across the globe and set company back on top. We can learn that a good leader is disregarded in the company and a team work. Apple has perfect skills in IT field, but it owes a good leader who is Jobs. Jobs leads his high skills’ team work become success. The employees have a good relationship and enjoy their work environment. Only be all kinds of aspects ready, the dream of company come true.
    
    However, some company invest much money to improve work skills, there is no enough money pay a decent. Employees maybe learn great skills from the company, who will turn to other’s company that can pay a decent in the future. The company spends too much money to take care of other sides. How terrible it is!

    To sum up, it is right that invest a part of money to improve work skills, but it is necessary to extra spending, for instance, corporate culture, working environment and team spirit.
作者: kchszy061ban    时间: 2012-7-30 18:45
蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

One day, when you push your company’s door in the future, you see the very clean desk, beautiful fresh flowers, comfortable light and pleasant mood. You get along well with your companies. I believe that you must feel very happy and have full of power to do your work all day. However, some people assert that a company should investment a large of money to improve the work skills of its employees. Although work skills are important to （a 或者用复数）company, other aspects are（这个要去掉） play a cruel role in company, such as work environment, colleagues’ relationship and team work.

Under the background of economic crisis and great competition, everyone have a good skill in the company, which also have stronger skills in their （professional）field. There is no denying that good skills will improve the company’s competition, but your（这里用the就可以） environment is dirty, there are a lot of contradiction between you and your colleagues, and your leaders are lazy and selfish, I feel that（it is obvious 或者it is easy to conclude that） your company which have stronger skills will nearly bankrupt in the future. Thus it is necessary to spend money to improve skills, but the comfortable work environment and harmonious interpersonal relationship is the same important.(这句放到句首可以，这个是英文写作的习惯了)

Steve jobs, after taking over a nearly bankrupt Apple, designed iPods, iPhones and iPads, which hit it big across the globe and set company back on top. We can learn（from this example） that a good leader is disregarded in the company and a team work. Apple has perfect skills in IT field, but it (also)owes a good leader who is Jobs. Jobs leads his high skills’ team work become success. The employees have a good relationship and enjoy their work environment. Only be all kinds of aspects are ready, the dream of company comes true.

However, some company invest much money to improve work skills, there is no enough money (to)pay a decent. Employees maybe learn great skills from the company, who will turn to other’s company that can pay a decent in the future. The company spends too much money to take care of other sides. How terrible it is!

To sum up, it is right that (companies要不然这个没有主语啊，前面的it也是代词)invest a part of money to improve work skills, but it is necessary to extra spending, for instance, corporate culture, working environment and team spirit.

整体分的很清楚，其实，建议楼主开始看老美185，然后就照着他们的风格写几篇，这样好一点。文章都是学来的么！
作者: 丰碑无语Yee    时间: 2012-7-31 18:46
7月30日
11.01.30NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Because the world is changing so quickly, people now are less happy and less satisfied than people in the past.

    Don’t you find that more and more delicious food and cooking tools are enjoyed by model people? Don’t you find that model people can use many convenient communication tools to connect their emotion? Don’t you find that model people drive cars  and airplane to travel so that they will relax themselves comfortably? Under the background of the development of economic, science and technology and culture, model people’ living standard is improved so quickly. Thus people now are more happy and more satisfied than people in the past. I have a number of reasons for feeling this point and they are based on my personal experience.
    
    To begin with, in the past when you are cooking, you have to learn how to make fire for your food, it is difficult to make fire, there are a lot of choking smoke and ashes that fly everywhere. Now you can use convenient and safe tools, such as oven and gas cooker. You only need put on a button, food will ripe. Model people can enjoy their fast food with pleasant mood.
    
    Admittedly, in the past you want to travel other place, you may be complain the load is too long to go there. You must stay home and you connect with your friends is too difficult. Nowadays, there is no denying that you can go anyplace where you want to and can speak with anybody who you want to. Because you go to travel by train, bus and plane, they are very convinent. If you feel alone, you will talk you’re your friends and parents by phone and computer. I believe you will get along well with your friends. What happy and satisfied it is!

    Finally, you meet people who come from all over world, you can learn their culture and language so that help your countury develop better. They can learn from each other and take the essence and discard the dregs . Olympic games get all of country together, Athlete not only learn the high skills but also learn their advantage culture. They have the same dream in a same world and feel stronger competition and become more and more confidence. However, in the past you can not enjoy it. To sum up, people now are more happy and more satisfied than people in the past.
作者: kchszy061ban    时间: 2012-7-31 19:26
蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

Don’t you find that more and more delicious food and cooking tools are enjoyed by model people? Don’t you find that model people can use many convenient communication tools to connect their emotion? Don’t you find that model people drive cars  and airplane to travel so that they will relax themselves comfortably? Under the background of the development of economic, science and technology and culture, model people’ living standard is improved so quickly. Thus people now are more happy and more satisfied than people in the past. I have a number of reasons for feeling this point and they are based on my personal experience.

To begin with, in the past when you are cooking, you have to learn how to make fire for your food, it is difficult to make fire, there are a lot of choking smoke and ashes that fly everywhere. Now you can use convenient and safe tools, such as oven and gas cooker. You only need put on a button, food will ripe. Model people can enjoy their fast food with pleasant mood.

Admittedly, in the past you wanted to travel （to）other place, you may（might）be complain the load is too long to go there. You must stay home and your connect with your friends is too difficult（或者it is difficult to connect with）. Nowadays, there is no denying that you can go any place where you want to and can speak with anybody who you want to. Because you go to travel by train, bus and plane, they are very convinent. If you feel alone, you will talk （with）you’re your friends and parents by phone and computer. I believe you will get along well with your friends. What happy and satisfied it is!

Finally, you meet people who come from all over world, you can learn their culture and language so that help your countury develop better. They can learn from each other and take the essence and discard the dregs .（for example） Olympic games get all of country（countries） together, Athlete not only learn the high skills but also learn their advantage culture. They have the same dream in a same world and feel stronger competition and become more and more confidence（adj）. However, in the past you can not enjoy it. To sum up, people now are more happy and more satisfied than people in the past.

进步许多额



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