ChaseDream
标题: 【写作小分队】小雪的作文贴~ [打印本页]
作者: stefaniewyh 时间: 2012-4-20 14:43
标题: 【写作小分队】小雪的作文贴~
还有8天考试，希望大家多拍砖吧。
TPO16 综合写作：
The author of the passage complains about the difficult situation of the development of archaeology in Britain. However, the lecturer states that in 1990, a new policy has been enacted to improve the condition of the archaeologist and the archeology working.
First, the conflict between the construction projects with the excavation and preservation of archaeologically valuable sites described in the passage is no longer exist, according to the speech. The new guidelines specify the process of the construction. That is, before the construction, the site must be tested by archaeologist to find whether there are artifacts with interest and value. Once ascertain the existence, the experts will devise a series of action for preservation. Only when the preservation is accomplished, can the construction be undertaken. This prescript prevents the case mentioned in the passage happening.
Second, the investment will not be offered by the government as the passage cites. According to the guideline stated in the lecture, the construction company has to take the responsibility to give financial support for the preservation. Therefore, the process will be carried on constantly.
Third, the lake of archaeology jobs mentioned in the passage will be solved by the guideline. The lecturer indicates that every state government provides the position for the archaeologist to find and preserve the value archaeological site in the states. Since more job opportunities are available, people who want to have a career in this region will find a beneficial jobs
作者: stefaniewyh 时间: 2012-4-20 14:44
因为是2战，16和17的都写过了，所以再发一篇今天的练习，希望好心的有空的战友帮忙批改一下。
TPO12 综合
The author of the reading passage claims that the painting of teenage Jane Austen is exactly depicting Jane's appearance. However, the professor in the lecture is opposite to every bit of reasons provided by the author.
To begin with, the author cites the possible origin of this portrait that an edition of Jane's letters got the permission to use a portrait from Austen's family, which has been accepted by the Austen family. However, the lecturer points out that, until the year this edition published, Jane has been dead for 70 years. Her families who gave the permission probably have never seen her. They absolutely had no idea what did Jane Austen look like.
In addition, the lecturer rebukes the statement of the author that the similarity of the appearance in the portrait and in Cassandra's sketch can prove the authority of this portrait. The lecturer illuminates the fact that relatives of Jane Austen shared resemblances. It is not convincing to make the conclusion only by the looking.
In the last, the lecturer challenges the argument of the author for the recklessness verifying the portrait only by painting style. To disapprove the evidence mentioned in the passage, the lecturer cites another proof of a stamp on the back of the picture. This stamp indicates the sale time of the canvass, which is also not the time when Jane Austen was a teenager. This proves that the assertion of the author is fault.
作者: stefaniewyh 时间: 2012-4-20 16:49
100828NA独立作文
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Since people care public recognition more than money, they will work harder to obtain public recognition even though there is no more money given.
People living in the society are always suffering a lot. On one hand, they have to make a living. On the other hand, they want more reputation. These two requirements usually cannot be obtained concurrently. In that plight, many people do not know how to choose and make the wrong decision, losing both of them. As for me, this is not a "right or wrong" issue. It depends on what the situation you are in.
It is undeniable that many people put money on the top, just as no one can rebuke a beggar for begging without dignity, because the sustenance is the essential problem of humans. It is reasonable to consider the money first when we find jobs and work harder for the job. For example, one of my classmates is an excellent student in our major. We were working together this year preparing for studying abroad and she really gets more potential than me. However, her family is in a bad financial condition, so that it will make it worse if she put the tuition fee on the load. At last, she found a job with a considerable salary and gave up the dream of studying abroad. Retrospecting this story, if she had applied to a famous university in the USA or the UK, she would be a graduate of a world known university after two years. But in fact, I think she did a right thing to her family and after she has earned enough money, she can fulfill his dream of further study, too.
However, the social status is also a critical factor for social members. It determines your social interpersonal relationship, estimation from others and the pride of yourself. These may be more important for those people who are not worried about the money. For example, a person born in an affluent family will not think too much about the payment. The motivation for the work probably comes from pursuing public recognition. On the contrary, if a person born in a poor family also goes in for reputations, he must be worried about the food forever.
In brief, I cannot make the conclusion which factor is more important for the work. But we can have a consensus that money is a necessary for living, when the materials is been satisfied, the spiritual needs will dominate.
作者: stefaniewyh 时间: 2012-4-21 19:25
4月21日 独立作文
110319NA
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Movies and television have more negative effects than positive effects on the way young people behave.
The impact that movies and television shows make on the way people behave can never be over-emphasized. Media has become the major method for people to acquire information, as well as the young people. There is much conjecture over whether plots in the movies and TV plays are leading the young in a positive way or a negative way. Both sides have plenty of cases to argue against the other. In my view, it does not require great intelligence to ascertain the existence of both and we know how to take advantage of this double-edged sword.
Nowadays, young people do not study only through the word written in books any more. The advanced technology, such as photography, motion picture, sound recording, can record the reality in a realer way. Even some places from the deep ocean to outer space where common people had never dreamed about are shown on the screen. The amount of the knowledge is rapidly increasing, so as the regions. Young people are easier to find what they are interested in by watching variety of natural programs, documentaries, or educational programs. Take myself for example; I decided to study architecture after I saw the movie Inception. Building cities in the dream is so fantasy that I want to build what I want in the reality, to be an architect.
However, it is undeniable that the negative effects of movies and television mislead many young people's behavior. Many cartoons and soap TV plays are useless to watch. Children will become numb if they watching TV for a long time without thinking. It is not just a waste of time; it impedes the mental development. Moreover, the violent image in movies, soap operas, as well as cartoons and some adult programs always introduce children to subject matters which are not appropriate for their innocent minds, causing early-maturing or antisociality. For example, a kid who always watches violent televisions is prone to be desensitized for this and becomes a violent adult in the future. Since we know the cause and effect, parents should avoid their children seeing these kinds of movies and televisions, and behave themselves.
In brief, the argument over whether movies and television is bad for young people should be
definitely swayed by what children are viewing. Under the responsibility of parents, children should be benefit a lot from the good movies and programs, and avoid from negative effects.
作者: 晨依Jacqueline 时间: 2012-4-21 19:34
晨依给小雪修改下100828的独立，先占个座。
100828NA独立作文
(红色为错误，蓝色为疑惑or建议，绿色为小结，高亮为精彩。)
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Since people care public recognition more than money, they will work harder to obtain public recognition even though there is no more money given.
People living in the society are always suffering a lot. On one hand, they have to make a living. On the other hand, they want more reputation. These two requirements usually cannot be obtained concurrently. In that plight, many people do not know how to choose and make the wrong decision, losing both of them. As for me, this is not a "right or wrong" issue. It depends on what the situation you are in.(个人感觉第一段点题不是特别成功，貌似没有表达出来自己的意思。短句太多了，注意下长短句的结合。开头相对于下面的内容略显繁琐了，而且和题目的意思还是有点差距的。)
It is undeniable that many people put money on the top(我觉得写得很口语化，可以写成on the top of ...让你的表达更加完整，读者也更好理解。), just as no one can rebuke a beggar for begging without dignity, because the sustenance is the(an) essential problem of humans.(It is undeniable...just as...because...有点句式杂糅的感觉，意思完全是跟着汉语的思维在走。)It is reasonable to consider the money first(可以这样说吗、) when we find jobs(还可以说look for jobs/apply a job) and work harder for the job. For example, one of my classmates is(was) an excellent student in our major. We were working together this year preparing for studying abroad and she really gets(got) more potential than me.However, her family is in a bad financial condition, so that it will make it worse if she put the tuition fee on the load(?). At last, she found a job with a considerable(decent) salary and gave up the dream of studying abroad. (我的修改，仅供参考。Take my friend's case as an example, she is talent in academic performance and gets well-prepared for studying abroad in the future. Unfortunately, involved of a financial difficulty, she had to chose a job with decent salary instead of pursuing her dream.)Retrospecting this story, if she had applied to a famous university in the USA or the UK, she would be a graduate of a world known university after two years. But in fact, I think she did a right thing to her family and after she has earned enough money, she can(could) fulfill his(her) dream of further study, too.(举例有点啰嗦，篇幅过大，可以把不是很关键的细节去掉。观点写得不是特别明确，例子好像和主题不是特别相关、感觉public recognition方面没有说出来，有点牵强了。表达感觉有点简单了，比如：I think, find job,did a right thing, etc...可以试着用下倒装啊强调啊这些句式，一方面增加句子复杂性，另一方面简化例子的篇幅。注意下时态要统一起来啊！最后就是还是能总结一下回归到你的detail是如何证明point的。)
However, the social status is also a critical factor for social members(members of society). It determines your(中文中经常这么说“你”怎么样怎么样，但是在托福作文里面your的出现显得很奇怪！还是尽量用people啊one's等等) social interpersonal relationship, estimation from others(public recognition) and the pride of yourself.(self-esteem)These(指代的不清楚) may be more important for those people who are not worried about the(有的时候不需要特指加the)money. For example,(for instance/或者因为你下面写的是一个比较可以说To draw a comparison) a person born in an affluent family will not think too much about the payment. The motivation for the work probably comes from pursuing public recognition. On the contrary, if a person born in a poor family also goes in for reputations, he must be worried about the food forever. (举的例子不是很充分，表达建议多用一些同意替换词，尤其是在对比的时候，换一些高级的表达会更好！比如：be worried about--feel anxious--be overconcerned with句子之间的连贯性有待加强，可以尝试着多加一些关联词，多练习写一些长句。这段写的有点少，感觉势力明显不如上一段，对理解你的中立观点我觉得也会有影响。)
In brief, I cannot make the conclusion which factor is more important for the work(?). [But we can have a consensus that money is a necessary for living, when the materials is been satisfied, the spiritual needs will dominate.](说一下[...]里面的句子：作为文章结尾，没有点出reputation和money的关系；虽然是中立的观点，但是也要强调一下你的point来给文章做一个小的总结，比如可以分析一下“好”和“坏”势均力敌所以无法明确断定题目中的statement，这样感觉结构会好一些。感觉句子写的过于简单了，这个句子看起来比较长了但是实际上是两个句子；虽然有用得比较不错的词汇，但是整体的思路和句意表达有些Chinglish的说，注意一下句子结构。)
[Conclusion]
说说文章整体，最大的感觉是观点不是太明确，希望小雪能够加强提炼point的能力，比如通过句子的同义转述等方式突出一下你的mainpoint。其次是表达和句子还需要提高一下，词汇方面我觉得还OK啦，但是句型的变化和复杂度做的还不够，感觉写的单调了一点点。两个论点的关系也没有点出来，文章结构还需要注意。
作者: stefaniewyh 时间: 2012-4-21 20:08
今天的练习：TPO11 综合写作
According to the passage, the author denounces the culture of reading literature is dying and the benefit the literature brings to us is disappearing. However, in the lecture, the professor challenges every bit of statements of the author.
To begin with, the author blames the decline of literature reading on the readers, and exclusively claims that only literature can stimulate the imagination of the reader. This insane assertion is retorted by the professor by pointing the fact that many other kinds of publish now are in high quality and can provides the intellectual stimulation, such as scientific articles, political comments and some kinds of novels. In the view of the professor, readers can get the same reward by reading other books.
In addition, the author also appeals the disappearance of literature to the more time spending on listening to the music, watching television and reading on website. However, the professor contradicts this citation strongly because she thinks these kinds of art are equal to literature on expressing ideas. The culture has changed to more diverse than before.
At last, the professor admits the fact that the investigation for the literature author declines, but the situation of underappreciated writers described in the passage is not true. Contemporary writers are prone to be difficult to understand. This is completely adverse with the claim in the passage that this is a period full of good literature authors.
作者: stefaniewyh 时间: 2012-4-21 20:09
今天的小组作业：TPO17综合作文
The author of the passage claims that the growth of human population and the consequential growing in agriculture and pesticide should take the responsibility for the decline of birds. However, the professor denounces in the lecture that the explanation in the passage is unreasonable.
Firstly, the lecture admits that some kinds of natural habitats have been destroyed to make the use of housing, but the there are lots of better and larger habitats have been constructed for the other kinds of birds. Therefore, some kinds of birds live in the new habitats safely and reproduce successfully.
Secondly, the author blames the increasing farm land for occupying habitats of birds. On the contrary, the professor points out that thanks to the development of biological science, the more productive crops have been cultured, so that there will be less area for farming. Moreover, the truth is that the farm land is decreasing year by year in the recent years. This proves that the assertion of the author is fault.
Thirdly, the lecturer challenges the author's claim that the pesticide kills the birds directly and indirectly. According to the lecture, now there are two methods to solve the author's concern. The first one is that new pesticide which is less harmful to the birds has been developed. The second one is the development of a new type of crop that can resist pests and do not harm birds. The use of this type of crops could dramatically reduce the use of chemical pesticides.
作者: Crystaljoy 时间: 2012-4-22 00:23
The author of the passage complains about the difficult situation of the development of archaeology in Britain. However, the lecturer states that in 1990, a new policy has(had
前面有过去的时间标志) been enacted to improve the condition of the archaeologist and the archeology working.
First, the conflict between the construction projects with（and） the excavation and preservation of archaeologically valuable sites described in the passage is(删除) no longer exist（exists）, according to the speech. The new guidelines specify the process of the construction. That is, before the construction, the site must be tested by archaeologist to find whether there are artifacts with interest and value. Once ascertain the existence, the experts will devise a series of action for preservation. Only when the preservation is accomplished, can the construction be undertaken. This prescript prevents the case mentioned in the passage（from） happening. (我觉得case最好展开点一下)
Second, the investment will not be offered by the government as the passage cites. According to the guideline stated in the lecture, the construction company has to take the responsibility to give financial support for the preservation. Therefore, the process will be carried on constantly. （which challenges the idea in the reading passage that。。。再跟文章联系一下）
Third, the lake(lack) of archaeology jobs mentioned in the passage will be solved by the guideline. The lecturer indicates that every state government provides the position (handsome salary我听得是工资高导致人数多呀~~~)for the archaeologist to find and preserve the value archaeological site in the states. Since more job opportunities are available, people who want to have a career in this region will find a beneficial jobs (job)
听的很细致啊~。
美中不足是
1 第一个观点感觉罗列了太多细节。
建议用因果，并列连词串联起来，两三句概括。
2. In the passage 放的位置有点乱。
再研究下范文，积累一些地道的句式吧。
3. 加个总结更好。逻辑结构完整。
作者: Crystaljoy 时间: 2012-4-22 00:24
竟然是两篇综合哇。
作者: Crystaljoy 时间: 2012-4-22 04:46
TPO12 综合
这篇综合我没做过，所以看的不太明白。你看看改动的语法吧。
The author of the reading passage claims that the painting of teenage Jane Austen is exactly depicting （可以进行时？一般时态描述就好了吧）Jane's appearance. However, the （view held by the 比较对象不对等）professor in the lecture is opposite to every bit of reasons provided by the author.
To begin with, the author cites the possible origin of this portrait that an edition of Jane's letters got the permission to use a portrait from Austen's family, （edition got the permission? 不合逻辑）which has been accepted by the Austen family. However, the lecturer points out that, until the year this edition (was) published, Jane has(had) been dead for 70 years. Her families who gave the permission probably have(had) never seen her.They absolutely had no idea what did Jane Austen look like.
In addition, the lecturer rebukes (程度太重了吧？refutes) the statement of the author that the similarity of the appearance in the portrait and in Cassandra's sketch can prove the authority of this portrait. The lecturer illuminates the fact that（棒！）relatives of Jane Austen shared resemblances.It is not convincing to make the conclusion only by the looking（outlook）.（前面说的跟这句表意相反吧）
In the last, the lecturer challenges the argument of the author for the recklessness verifying the portrait only by painting style.(lecture challenges the argument for recklessness不太明白，结构是否有问题) To disapprove （In disagreement with状态）the evidence mentioned in the passage, the lecturer cites another proof of a stamp on the back of the picture（cites a stamp on the back of the picture as another proof.）. This stamp indicates the sale time of the canvass, which is also not the time when Jane Austen was a teenager. This proves that the assertion of the author is fault（这个词太主观，不建议用，因为没有正确之分，只是角度不同far from convincing）.
作者: 婷婷connie 时间: 2012-4-22 11:27
4.21 独立改文
4月21日 独立作文
110319NA
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Movies and television have more negative effects than positive effects on the way young people behave.
The impact that movies and television shows make on the way people behave(people's behaviors) can never be over-emphasized. Media has become the major method for people to acquire information,(可以不要)as well as the young people. There is much conjecture over whether plots in the movies and TV plays are leading the young in a positive way or a negative way. Both sides have plenty of cases to argue against the other. In my view, it does not require great intelligence to ascertain the existence of both and we know how to take advantage of this double-edged sword.
Nowadays, young people do not study only through the word written in books any more. The advanced technology, such as photography, motion picture, sound recording, can record the reality in a realer way. Even some places from the deep ocean to outer space where common people had never dreamed about are shown on the screen. The amount of the knowledge is rapidly increasing, so as the regions(ranges). Young people are easier to find what they are interested in by watching variety of natural programs, documentaries, or （and）educational programs. Take myself for example;(
I decided to study architecture after I saw the movie Inception. Building cities in the dream is so fantasy that I want to build what I want in the reality, to be an architect.
However, it is undeniable that the negative effects of movies and television mislead many young people's behavior. Many cartoons and soap TV plays are useless to watch. Children will become numb if they watching TV for a long time without thinking. It is not just a waste of time; it impedes the(both physical and)mental development. Moreover, the violent(and pornographic )images in movies, soap operas, as well as cartoons and some adult programs always introduce children to subject matters which are not appropriate for their innocent minds, causing early-maturing or antisociality. For example, a kid who always watches violent televisions is prone to be desensitized for this(this 指代不明)and becomes a violent adult in the future. Since we know the cause and effect, parents should avoid their children seeing these kinds of movies and televisions, and behave themselves.
In brief, the argument over whether movies and television is bad for young people should be
definitely swayed by what children are viewing. Under the responsibility of parents, children should be benefit a lot from the good movies and programs, and avoid from negative effects.
Conclusion:小雪写得很棒啦，从正反方面展开的观点，词汇、句式都很不错。稍微再注意一下小细节就可以了，值得学习~
作者: stefaniewyh 时间: 2012-4-22 13:40
4月22独立
110115 NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The main role of the university professor is to educate students rather than to do research.
Some students complain that professors are too addicted in researches to give enough attention to students. On one hand, their complaints are reasonable for the fact that some professors do abandon their educational task to some degree. On the other hand, it is undeniable that students could benefit a lot from professors' researches.Personally speaking, I think professors should spend more time on researching if they are able to accomplish the syllabus.
Professors in universities are a group of innovators who can greatly change the world and our lives. Their researches are more close to our daily life comparing to the research conducted by scientific institutions. We can see many researches about physical health and new cures of diseases from Harvard and Princeton in newspapers or websites, advanced technologies invented by MIT and Stanford, in newspapers or websites. Millions of people could be benefit from these researches. Therefore, we should encourage professors to spend more time on researches.
Moreover, differ from scientists in the scientific institution, professors can impart their knowledge and experience to their students, the next generation which will become the builder of the prospective society. In common sense, the most efficient way for students to become experienced is practicing with their professor in researches, learning the way in which professors work, conducting with the first-hand experience. Contrary to the ideal situation, if professors only know the knowledge written in books and make no efforts on researches, they will be abandoned by the development of the society. More subsequent questions will impact us. What can they teach? Are they still capable to teach? Are they misleading students? I believe no one want to be a student of such kind of professor.
However, we must think highly of the negative effect that the increase of time spent in research means the decrease in education. The critical point is the balance between efforts professors make to the research and the instruction. I believe it is possible to make a win-win deal. On one hand, professors have to take both obligations to be responsible. On the other hand, student must be understanding about their professors and take advantage of this resource.
In brief, it is not fair to be so critical to professors because what they are doing is beneficial to the society and students. Conclusively, researching underlying teaching will be appropriate considering both positive and negative effects.
作者: Herisson0509 时间: 2012-4-22 17:59
The author of the passage claims that the growth of human population and the consequential growing in agriculture and pesticide should take the responsibility for the decline of birds. However, the professor denounces in the lecture that the explanation in the passage is unreasonable.
Firstly, the lecture admits that some kinds of natural habitats have been destroyed to make the use of housing, but the there are lots of better and larger habitats have been constructed for the other kinds of birds. Therefore, some kinds of birds live in the new habitats safely and reproduce successfully.这句听力里面没有提到的哦Some populations may shrink, but others will grow，which differs from the statement in the reading that birds' natural habitats will continue to disappear because human populations and settlements continue to expand. 要对比一下文章与讲座的不同。
Secondly, the author blames the increasing farm land for occupying habitats of birds. On the contrary, the professor points out that thanks to the development of biological science, the more productive crops have been cultured, so that there will be less area for farming. Moreover, the truth is that the farm land is decreasing year by year in the recent years. These new crops produce more food, and so there’s no need to destroy wilderness areas.加上这句要不然没有说服力This proves that the assertion of the author is fault.
Thirdly, the lecturer challenges the author's claim that the pesticide kills the birds directly and indirectly. According to the lecture, now there are two methods to solve the author's concern. The first one is that new pesticide which is less harmful to the birds has been developed. The second one is the development of a new type of crop that can resist pests and do not harm birds. The use of this type of crops could dramatically reduce the use of chemical pesticides.这一段细节听的很好结尾最好对比一下文章与讲座的不同之处。
In conclusion
1.细节欠缺
2.缺少对比之处
3.多看看范文会有帮助的
加油
作者: daisyの小夢想 时间: 2012-4-23 12:43
4.22 独立
Some students complain that professors are too addicted in(to)researches to give enough attention to students. On one hand, their complaints are reasonable for the factthat some professors do abandon their educational task to some degree. On the other hand, it isundeniable that students could benefit a lot from professors'researches. Personally speaking, I think professors should spend more time onresearching if they are able to accomplish the syllabus(课程大纲?我觉得改成ensure the quality oftheir classes比较贴切一点).
Professors in universities are a group of innovatorswho can greatly change the world and our lives. Their researches are more closeto our daily life comparing to the research conducted by scientificinstitutions. We can see many researches about physical health and new cures ofdiseases from Harvard and Princeton in newspapers or websites, (+and) advanced technologiesinvented by MIT and Stanford, in newspapers or websites. Millions of peoplecould be benefit from theseresearches. Therefore, we should encourage professors to spend more time onresearches.
Moreover, differ from(differingfrom) scientists in the scientific institution, professorscan impart their knowledge and experience to their students, the nextgeneration which(who) will become thebuilder of the prospective society. In common sense, the most efficient way forstudents to become experienced is practicing with their professor inresearches, learning the way in which professors work, (+and) conducting with the first-hand experience. Contraryto the ideal situation, if professors only know the knowledge written in booksand make no efforts on researches, they will be abandoned by the development ofthe society. More subsequent questions willimpact(可以改为affect或influence)us. What can they teach? Are they stillcapable to teach (capable of teaching)? Are they misleadingstudents? I believe no one wants to be a student of suchkind of professor.
However, we must think highly of the negative effectthat the increase of time spent in research meansthe decrease (+of devotion) in education. The critical point is thebalance between efforts professors make to the research and the instruction.I believe it is possible to make a win-win deal. On one hand, professors have to take both obligations to be responsible.On the other hand, student must be understanding about (understand) their professors and take advantage of this resource.
In brief, it is not fair to be so critical toprofessors because what they are doing is beneficial to the society andstudents. Conclusively, researching underlying teaching will be appropriateconsidering both positive and negative effects.
很赞的一篇文章。思路连贯清晰，考虑了多方面的因素，很有说服力。句子表达也很好~
作者: stefaniewyh 时间: 2012-4-24 09:22
4月23日
20110211NA
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement. Parents should allow their children to make mistakes and led them learn from their own mistakes.
It is understandable that watching their children making mistakes and getting hurt is too despairing for parents. Some parents will do their best to prevent children from doing any mistake and take everything relevant to their kids under control. Some parents are ready to see their children learning from their own mistakes. There is much conjecture over whether parents should allow their children to make mistakes. As for me, I completely agree with the statement. Children will benefit substantially from mistakes made by themselves.
In the growth of a child, the role parent play should be a guide rather than a protector. What children should learn from a young age is the ability to survive and make a living after they are mature enough to be independent from parents. To be mature is a process of making mistakes, milling from every shock and overcoming difficulties as a stronger man. What children learn from this process are the courage to take the consequences and the capability to make up the mistake. Moreover, in this process, the positive encouragement from parents is important to children. Meanwhile, parents must ensure that children will not make the same mistake again.
Unfortunately, the enormous care from many parents overwhelms children's opportunities making mistakes. There are more and more reports about doting children, such as bad manners, ridiculous utterances, antisociality and suicide. The reason of their behavior is that they are too fragile and immature under their parents' care and protection. Should not parents be responsible about their tragedies? It does not require great intelligence to ascertain this fact.
In addition, allowing children to make mistakes does not mean letting them alone to make any mistake. Some mistakes are not allowed to make because the consequence is too serious. Can parents watch their children being addicted to drugs? Can parents not stop their children from murdering someone for revenge? Can parents wait their girls who play with crooks coming home after she has learnt the lesson? I believe no parents could bear their children going wrong ways like these. Therefore, what mistake children should be allowed to make is left to the judgment of the parents' intelligence and responsibility.
In brief, although some mistakes with severe consequences are not allowed to make, children should be encouraged to learn through trials and errors. This is a efficient way for a child to become a responsible, tenacious and independent adult. After all, parents could not protect their children forever.
作者: 易雨水巷 时间: 2012-4-24 16:37
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement. Parents should allow their children to make mistakes and led them learn from their own mistakes.
红色为错误，蓝色为疑问or建议，绿色为点评，高亮为精彩！
It is understandable that watching their children making mistakes and getting hurt is (are? and连结了两个短语呢) too despairing（这个词是有绝望的，失望的意思，但是偏绝望的，个人认为用在这里是不是有点小过了？建议改用糟糕的，parents feel terrible watching their children…） for parents. Some parents will do their best to prevent children from doing any mistake and take everything relevant to their kids under control. (+on the other hand 之类的连接词？)Some parents are ready to see their children learning from their own mistakes. There is much conjecture over （我以前一直用debate/discussion呢，如果conjecture 也可以这样用，那就又学到新词新用法了\(^o^)/~）whether（+or not） parents should allow their children to make mistakes. As for me, I completely agree with the statement. Children will benefit substantially(学习O(∩_∩)O) from mistakes made by themselves. (建议合为一句呢 the statement（ that）children will benefit substantially… )
In the growth of a child, the role parent play should be a guide rather than a protector. What children should learn from a young age is the ability to survive (感觉加点competitive environment 之类的比较好呢)and make a living after they are mature enough to be independent from parents. To be mature is a process of making mistakes, milling from every shock and overcoming difficulties as a stronger man（感觉 as a stronger man 可以去掉）. What children learn from this process are the courage to take the consequences and the capability to make up the mistake.（连用了两个what children learn from…可以变换个句式，比如，it is the courage to take the consequences and the capability to make up the mistake that are what children learn from this process） Moreover, in this process, the positive encouragement from parents is important to children. Meanwhile, parents must ensure that children will not make the same mistake again. (感觉这段理论论述比较强，但缺乏例子支持，detail)
Unfortunately, the enormous care from many parents overwhelms children's opportunities making mistakes. There are more and more reports about doting children, such as bad manners, ridiculous utterances, antisociality(anti-sociality) and (可适当换成as well as, and 太多了不好哦)suicide. The reason of their behavior (the reason for their behavior 
S 其实个人建议如果不是因为凑字数的话，for their behavior 是完全可以去掉的) is that they are too fragile and immature under their parents' care and protection. Should not parents be responsible about （be responsible for） their tragedies? It does not require great intelligence to ascertain this fact.
In addition, allowing children to make mistakes does not mean letting them alone to make any mistake. Some mistakes are not allowed to make because the consequence is too serious. Can parents watch their children being addicted to drugs? Can parents not stop their children from murdering someone for revenge? Can parents wait their girls who play with crooks coming home after she has learnt the lesson? (感觉这句话有点别扭啊，但不晓得咋改o(╯□╰)o)I believe no parents could bear their children going wrong ways like these. Therefore, what mistake children should be allowed to make is left to the judgment of the parents' intelligence and responsibility.
In brief, although some mistakes with severe consequences are not allowed to make, children should be encouraged to learn through trials and errors. This is a（an） efficient way for a child to become a responsible, tenacious and independent adult. After all, parents could not protect their children forever.
To小雪：易雨水巷第一次给人改作文，有做的不好的地方希望小雪见谅O(∩_∩)O~
1.小雪基本上都是理论论述哦，缺乏例子呢，details 这一项的要求不知道会不会符合
2.小雪用了过多的what children should learn from…除了我指出的那个地方后面发现又用了，可以灵活变换一下句式，或者说最好不要连着用同一个句式
3.小雪的词组搭配还需要加强一下
4.anyway ,小雪的词汇量灰常丰富，学到很多O(∩_∩)O~
作者: stefaniewyh 时间: 2012-9-19 21:15
标题: 9月19独立
写作大本营第一期的老学员回归，三战托福。以二战承蒙鸟妈照顾，现在希望新战友们拍砖！
It is more important to choose friends that have fun with than to choose friends that will help you when you need them.
There are many kinds of considerations or factors people may take into account in a friendship. Some people may be platonic to make friends on the purpose of having fun, while some other people may be pragmatic to choose friends that will help each other. Undeniably, we cannot define which one is superior over the other, since this is a matter of interest. However, I would like to choose friends who can support mutually in any plight.
First of all, friends might be the second intimate with us while the first is parents and kins undoubtedly. When we are apart with parents or have something could not been told with parents, it is a relief to have truly friend beside, helping us to overcome the difficulties and survive from hard times. Take myself as an instance. I went to an university far from my hometown for five years. During these years, I had my birthdays, Mid-autumn festivals and Dongzhi Festival without my parents and relatives. It should suppose to be tough to spend the festivals alone in a distant place, but my roommates and some close friends always remembered inviting me to their homes or bringing some snakes for me to celebrate together with me. Their geniality is the panacea for my nostalgia. How grateful should I be for having such great friends?
In addition, although I concede that sharing happiness is the first step to close the relationship, it is not the radical method to maintain the relationship. Well, an old Chinese saying "A friend in need is a friend indeed" tells us what a truly friendship would be. We can see many vivid cases in our daily life that two closed friends sticking with each other every day finally break up when one of them get a serious trouble. Therefore, to avoid this kind of situation, we should not make friends only by congeniality.
However, choosing friends only for benefit is not favorable as well. It does not require great intelligence to ascertain this fact that too utilitarian cannot deserve true friendship in return. When we want assistance from friends, we should be well prepared to help them at anytime. For example, I used to have a roommates who is a little apathy. At first we were willing to help her when she needed, but after a period of time, we found she was very reluctant and always refuted us when we asked her to do a favor.As a result, I was not so close with her as with the rest of my roommates, so as them.
In conclusion, everybody have different criteria for sorting friends and variable categories for friends. I advocate that sharing something in common can make it easier to develop a relationship, and always supporting each other can make the relationship solid and last long. No matter in which way you choose a friend, I believe that sincerity is always a key to any relationships.
作者: stefaniewyh 时间: 2012-9-20 17:38
标题: TPO23 综合
According to the reading material, three reasons are given to expound the decrease of yellow cedar in northwestern North America. However, the lecturer shows us three further evidencesto illustrate his standpoints that none of them are accurate and the real reason are still unknown, which is strongly opposed to what have been stated in the reading material.
In the first place, the author argues that the insect parasites, such as the cedar bark beetle, whose larvae feed on wood, should be blamed for the trees' decline. However, the lecturer claims that this is not the fact because healthy trees can secrete chemicals to resist the attack from the beetles. In fact, the trees ate by beetles are dying or died. As a result, the insect parasites cannot impact healthy yellow cedars.
In addition, the lecturer also challenges the author's claim that brown bears' aggressive feeding habits damage the trees severely enough to cause the descent in population. Although the lecturer admits that the attack from bears can destroy some trees, it cannot impact all trees. To substantiate his statement, the lecturer provides a piece of evidence that the trees on an island without bears also declined as the mainland with bears did. The second reason cited in the reading material can be falsified by this evidence directly.
At last, as for the author's third reason that climate changes, particularly the frozen root damage effects the yellow cedars extensively. On the contrary, the lecturer indicates that the incidence of dead tree in high elevation where is cold is less than in low elevation where is warm, while as the theory of the author, the compare result should be reversed. Therefore, the lecture comes to a conclusion that the climate changes have some mal-influence on the growth of yellow cedars but it is not the reason to kill them.
In conclusion, the lecturer holds a skeptical attitude towards the argument in the reading material and cites more evidences to dispute. The statement of the lecturer that there is no reason for the decrease of yellow cedars contradicts with the central standpoint of the reading.
作者: stefaniewyh 时间: 2012-9-20 17:41
标题: 9月20日独立
The most important investment of a company is to improve the skills of its employees.
Almost all entrepreneurs usually expect employees to make great profit for them, but probably draw back when they were asked to invest on employees. Their decisions are acceptable but not provident, especially in the modern business world as far as I can tell. The advantages of investment to improve the workers' skill would overwhelm its defects.
In many famous modern enterprises, managers become aware of the importance of improving the working skills of the workers and invest more on relevant trainings and activities because it is beneficial for employees as well as employers. For employees, these trainings not only enhance working skills and experiences, but also instigate them to get a sense of affiliation and responsibility to the company, everyone to be more incentive to work. Meanwhile, for employers, this potential investment creates a harmonious working atmosphere and positive enterprise culture, which is a significant attraction for job hunters. In conclusion, it is a win-win relationship.
Admittedly, it is plausible that job-hopping is one of the concerns of employers, so they don't want to take the risk of losing both money and talents.Whereas the worker is beyond reproach for leaving to chase better job but the company should introspect why the work are reluctant to stay. The question can be dug into the enterprise atmosphere or culture which i have argued previously can be better build up by the investment for works' skill training. It does not require great intelligence to ascertain that this is a virtuous cycle. The geniality of enterprises, caring about the development of employees, will not only attract but also keep more works.
In addition, I also concede that there are many other investments the manager should concern, such as the working condition and facility. These equipments are the basic for the company that would help workers to work efficiently and flawlessly, and take advantage of workers' potential. However, talents are much more difficult to find and cultivate than the materials.Even the most advanced device would be a bulk of metal trash if no one can use it. How precious it is for a company to have a group of elites in the modern business competition. Therefore, managers should pay more attention on the personnel cultivation.
To sum up, investing employees is a favorable management strategy with predictable potential influence on the development of companies. This win-win tactic and virtuous cycle should be appreciated by all entrepreneurs.
作者: 婷婷connie 时间: 2012-9-20 18:32
9.19 独立
It is more important to choose friends that have fun with than to choose friends that will help you when you need them.
红色错误，蓝色讨论，高亮精彩
There are many kinds of considerations or factors people may take into account in（这里没有必要吧） a friendship. Some people may be platonic to make friends on the purpose of having fun, while some other people may be pragmatic to choose friends that will help each other. Undeniably, we cannot define which one is superior over the other, since this is a matter of interest.（这句话怎么理解，感觉有点没有逻辑） However, I would like to choose friends who can support mutually in any plight.
First of all, friends might be the second intimate with us while the first is parents and kins undoubtedly. When we are apart with parents or have something could not been told with parents, it is a relief to have truly friend beside, helping us to overcome the difficulties and survive from hard times. Take myself as an instance. I went to an university far from my hometown for five years. During these years, I had my birthdays, Mid-autumn festivals and Dongzhi（冬至？建议换个通俗点的吧） Festival without my parents and relatives. It should suppose to be(留一个) tough to spend the festivals alone in a distant place, but my roommates and some close friends always remembered inviting me to their homes or bringing some snakes（snacks） for me to celebrate together with me. Their geniality is the panacea for my nostalgia. How grateful should I be for having such great friends?
In addition, although I concede that sharing happiness is the first step to close the relationship, it is not the radical method（这里很严谨） to maintain the relationship. Well, an old Chinese saying "A friend in need is a friend indeed" tells us what a truly friendship would be. We can see many vivid cases in our daily life that（这个从句太突然了，可以先specifically, 然后举这个例子） two closed friends sticking with each other every day finally break up when one of them get a serious trouble. Therefore, to avoid this kind of situation, we should not make friends only by congeniality.这一段感觉例子不太生动，建议加点detail,比如什么问题，为什么会break up，因为嫌麻烦之类的
However, choosing friends only for benefit(这个有点，因为have fun也是一种benefit,这里改成their assistance更好) is not favorable as well. It does not require great intelligence to ascertain this fact that too utilitarian cannot deserve true friendship in return. When we want assistance from friends, we should be well prepared to help them at anytime. For example, I used to have a roommates who is a little apathy. At first we were willing to help her when she needed, but after a period of time, we found she was very reluctant and always refuted us when we asked her to do a favor.As a result, I was not so close with her as with the rest of my roommates, so as them（这里重复了）.
In conclusion, everybody have different criteria for sorting friends and variable categories for friends. I advocate that sharing something in common can make it easier to develop a relationship, and always supporting each other can make the relationship solid and last long. No matter in which way you choose a friend, I believe that sincerity is always a key to any relationships.
这一段没有点明你的观点，看起来是两种都喜欢，真挚最重要。建议把之前的复述一下吧。
Conclusion：
1.词汇量惊人啊，感觉有很多G的单词
2.语言很好，但是有少许地方重复了，注意删掉
3.结尾再polish一下吧，让它更有侧重点~
作者: stefaniewyh 时间: 2012-9-21 00:20
妹子你眼力真好，确实是上周刚考完的G
现在练作文都没有掐时间，所以感觉很多地方写的太多余了。谢谢你的意见~自己看很难发现~
作者: d0gzi 时间: 2012-9-21 14:21
Almost all entrepreneurs usually expect employees to make great profit for them, but probably draw back when they were （时态）asked to invest on employees. Their decisions are acceptable but not provident, especially in the modern business world as far as I can tell（觉得AS FAR AS I CAN TELL 放在ESPECIALLY后面前后打上逗号做插入语会不会更好啊？）. The advantages of investment to improve the workers' skill would overwhelm its defects.
In many famous modern enterprises, managers become aware of the importance of improving the working skills of the workers and invest more on relevant trainings and activities because it is beneficial for employees as well as employers. For employees, these trainings not only enhance working skills and experiences（做经验讲时不可数。做经历讲时才可数）, but also instigate them to get a sense of affiliation and responsibility to the company, everyone to be more incentive to work. （好长的一句话……T-T感觉之后考G路无比艰难啊……）Meanwhile, for employers, this potential investment creates a harmonious working atmosphere and positive enterprise culture, which is a significant attraction for job hunters. In conclusion, it is a win-win relationship.
Admittedly, it is plausible that job-hopping is one of the concerns of employers, so they don't want to take the risk of losing both money and talents.Whereas the worker is beyond reproach for leaving to chase better job but the company should introspect why the work are reluctant to stay. The question can be dug into the enterprise atmosphere or culture which i have argued previously can be better build up by the investment for works' skill training（。。。水平有限这句没看懂……）. It does not require great intelligence to ascertain that this is a virtuous cycle. The geniality of enterprises, caring about the development of employees, will not only attract but also keep more works.（既然说到是循环，那就把圆画满嘛……公司对职员好，职员效忠公司，公司再对职员更好……）
In addition, I also concede that there are many other investments the manager should concern, such as the working condition and facility. These equipments are the basic for the company that would help workers to work efficiently and flawlessly（would like...?), and take advantage of (make the best of ）workers' potential. However, talents are much more difficult to find and cultivate than the materials.（点找的真好！）Even the most advanced device would be a bulk of metal trash if no one can use it.（好！） How precious it is for a company to have a group of elites in the modern business competition. （叹号？）Therefore, managers should pay more attention on the personnel cultivation.
To sum up, investing employees（investing in training /improvement....of employee) is a favorable management strategy with predictable potential influence on the development of companies. This win-win tactic and virtuous cycle should be appreciated by all entrepreneurs.
感觉写的挺好的……词汇句型都很好……我需要借助词典才能看明白……（T-T忽然觉得自己人生无望了……）观点也挺好的~ 除了上面写出的几点~
加油加油！！！
作者: stefaniewyh 时间: 2012-9-21 18:06
标题: 9月21日独立
It is better to spend money on traveling and vacation than save money for the future.
Our parents or grandparents always teach us do not spend the money improvidently but save them for the future. As a member of the new generation in the modern society, I can only agree with the first teaching as thrift is a precious and enduring virtue, yet the last doctrine has already been behind the times. For the individual, the society and the economy, saving money probably cannot get reward as many as spending on traveling.
To begin with, we can benefit a lot from travel or jaunt. After a long period of hard working in the airtight office or classroom, taking a trip is a favorable way to relax physically and mentally. When I walk on the Medieval street in Madrid, I feel easy and get lost in this tranquil atmosphere; when I conquer a high mountain, I feel like I am the king of the world and full of confidence; when I lie on the beach, listen the euphonic sound of waves and stare at the endless blue sky, all of my stress will disappear. In addition, traveling is an efficient way to experience the world. For example, as a student majored in architecture, to stand inside a gothic church, to touch the delicate sculpture and to feel the light through the rose window can provide the real experience which I cannot get from photos. Moreover, people in common can obtain different kind of knowledge and new perspective in looking at the environment.
As for the society, traveling is a significant way to contribute to the development and fusion of different culture. Thanks to the advanced transportation technology, the world seems to be smaller than ancient time. To acclimate the new global village, people are eager to get familiar with foreign culture and show their own culture to the world. For instance, the Beijing Olympic Games in 2008 and the Shanghai World Expo in 2010 provided a great stage for China to show its characters and attract billions of people to visit. If people all grasp their money and stay at home, the world will not be active and wonderful like today.
Last but not least, seeing from the economic aspect, saving money, especially in the bank, will not render any interests for clients as the serious inflation. However, the profit created by tourism industry is increasing dramatically in recent years. Statistic tells us that in 2012, the revenue of tourism industry is a quarter of the whole Gross National Product of China. Furthermore, on one hand the development of tourism can generate more jobs for people and provoke relevant business to palmy. On the other hand, some countries continue to lower the interests in order to force people to spend their money. As a result, the money saved in the bank will not increase the value yet will probably decrease.
To sum up, in the severely competitive society, we can not only take a good rest but also obtain knowledge by traveling. At the same time, we make a contribution to cultural fusion and economic development, and ultimately, it will benefit ourselves. In one word, traveling is much better than saving money in both microscopic and macroscopic view.
作者: stefaniewyh 时间: 2012-9-21 21:01
标题: 9月21日综合 TPO1 第二次写了。。。。。
Three reasons are provided in the reading material to prove the author's assertion that four-day workweek will benefit companies, the national employment condition and workers. However, the lecture raises a contradiction against the author, claiming that this policy will not have such positive influence on none of the three sides.
To begin with, the author asserts that under the influence of the four-day workweek policy, the company will get more energetic and vigilant, fewer exhausted and fallible stuff in a low cost for payroll. However, the lecturer challenges what the author pictures. The lecturer points out companies probably force workers to finish the five-day's work within four days, making workers more tired than before. Moreover, the cost for hire new employees will not decline if the new working facilities, training and medical insurance are taken into account. As a result, the cost will dramatically cut off the profit.
In addition, the lecturer illustrates that the unemployment rate will not decrease since this policy cannot bring out new jobs. Understandably the manager will be prone to hire workers who can work overtime to finish the work on time as before. Moreover, the expectation on the quality of the work will increase as workers have more time to rest. Considering the high cost for new employment, the company will be reluctant to hire more green hands. In this case, there will be no more unemployment but more stress on the workers.
Last but not least, the lecturer also claims that workers will take more risks if they want to choose work four days in a week. Their working skills will decrease and companies do not want to hire four-day workers. Therefore, workers will have less opportunity for promotion and even may lose their jobs. The stress in this plight will certainly balloon, let alone more leisure time for families and fun.
In conclusion, the lecturer contradicts what the author maintain, expounding that the four-day workweek policy will not benefit the company's profit, economic condition or the workers' lives.
作者: eone1025 时间: 2012-9-22 16:50
It is better to spend money on traveling and vacation than save money for the future.
Our parents or grandparents always teach us do not spend the money improvidently but save them for the future. As a member of the new generation in the modern society, I can only agree with the first teaching as thrift is a precious and enduring virtue, yet the last doctrine has already been behind the times.（这句话的意思是什么？中间的转折的意思有点连不上，as是不是换成that才是正确的？）For the individual, the society and the economy（economy不会save money的）, saving money probably cannot get reward as many as spending on traveling.
To begin with, we can benefit a lot from travel or jaunt. After a long period of hard working in the airtight office or classroom, taking a trip is a favorable way to relax physically and mentally. When I walk on the Medieval street in Madrid, I feel easy and get lost in this tranquil atmosphere; when I conquer a high mountain, I feel like I am the king of the world and full of confidence; when I lie on the beach, listening the euphonic sound of waves and staring at the endless blue sky, all of my stress disappears.（用will disappear这个时态是错的）In addition, traveling is an efficient way to experience the world. For example, as a student majored in architecture, to stand inside a gothic church, to touch the delicate sculpture and to feel the light through the rose window can provide the real experience which I cannot get from photos. Moreover, people in common（这个是普通人的意思么？这样表达挺奇怪啊） can obtain different kind of knowledge and new perspective in looking at the environment.
As for the society, traveling is a significant way to contribute to the development and fusion of different culture. Thanks to the advanced transportation technology, the world seems to be smaller than ancient time. To acclimate to the new global village, people are eager to get familiar with foreign culture and show their own culture to the world. For instance, the Beijing Olympic Games in 2008 and the Shanghai World Expo in 2010 provided a great stage for China to show its characters and attract billions of people to visit. If people all grasp their money and stay at home, the world will not be active and wonderful like today.
Last but not least, seeing from the economic aspect, saving money, especially in the bank, will not render any interests for clients as the serious inflation. However, the profit created by tourism industry is increasing dramatically in recent years. Statistic tells us that in 2012, the revenue of tourism industry is a quarter of the whole Gross National Product of China. Furthermore, on one hand the development of tourism can generate more jobs for people and provoke relevant business to palmy. On the other hand, some countries continue to lower the interests in order to force people to spend their money. As a result, the money saved in the bank will not increase the value yet will probably decrease.
To sum up, in the severely competitive society, we can not only take a good rest but also obtain knowledge by traveling.（这个句子在表达什么？By traveling not only can we take a good rest but also obtain knowledge in the severely competitive society.如果是我我会这样写）At the same time, we make a contribution to cultural fusion and economic development, and ultimately, it will benefit ourselves. In one word, traveling is much better than saving money in both microscopic and macroscopic view.
你快考试了，我觉得现在主要还是多浏览一下别人的范文，看到高亮句子就背背吧，现在要再基础好上增添华丽一点的句式。
我说一些中式英语思维这个问题啊，因为我总是被人说，但我看自己的看不出来，但是你这一篇里面有一些写的我突然觉得有点中式英语的迹象，比如traveling is an efficient way to experience the world这样子的表达，就有点中式英语的感觉了。还有这句To acclimate to the new global village, people are eager to get familiar with foreign culture and show their own culture to the world.我觉得改成In the aim of being conditioned to the global village, communicating with various countries and demonstrating mutual culture by journey can do a lot of help.
虽然是中式思维，也要写成华丽句式的中式思维。。我是这样觉得的。
还有你的措辞比较简单，不够丰富来讨好托福评卷者。例子方面可能要再举实际一点的，比较好得分。考试的时候写完了要检查一下你的语法什么的。
就这些。祝你成功。
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