ChaseDream

标题: 【写作小分队】猪兔兔的 写作贴，求狠拍 [打印本页]
作者: 猪兔兔    时间: 2012-4-10 15:18
标题: 【写作小分队】猪兔兔的 写作贴，求狠拍
4月10日
提纲：

总述：

In the past 50 years, the world has undergone an unprecedented change. It seems that the life is totally different with that before. Therefore, some people think that the advices from our grandparents are no longer useful for their grandchildren. However, I don’t agree with them and I persist that our grandparents’ advices are still of great value.

分论点：

1.老人们经验丰富，俗话说：“姜还是老的辣”，在很多方面都会比我们有经验。比如说面对困难的能力

2.虽然这个世界发生了很多变化，但是有很多优良品质是不会随着时间消失的。

3.而且，活到老学到老，有很多老人们也在随着世界的发展学习新的东西。



In the past 50 years, the world has undergone an unprecedented change. It seems that the life is totally different with that before. Therefore, some people think that the advices from our grandparents are no longer useful for their grandchildren. However, I don’t agree with them and I persist that our grandparents’ advices are still of great value.



First and foremost, our grandparents live longer than us and thus have got through more frustrations which would give them a lot of experience such as how to calm down and deal with it when facing difficulties. When I was in high school, I was desperate with math because I worked very hard but still can’t catch up with my classmates. Then I came to my grandma for help and told her that I wanted to give up math and I just cannot do it well. She suggested me to calm down to find what the problem is and then modulate my learning method, and believed if I use right method and keep on working hard, I would definitely do well in it in the end. I took her advice and finally, as she expected, caught up with the others and even carried off a prize in this year’s MCM. I can’t imagine the consequence without her advice.



In the meantime, there exist some invaluable qualities that will not diminish no matter what the world have changed into, although the experience of grandparent seems not useful as before with the tremendous change of our world. For instance, grandparents told us that as a person, we should be loyal, brave, diligent and have sense of responsibility. Is it not true now? The answer is apparently negative. This is a perpetual truth from past till now, even in the future.



Last but not the least, not only grandparents possess undiminished characters, but also would learn some new things with the development of the world. World’s huge change doesn’t mean our grandparents are not changing. They can absorb new knowledge through watching TV, reading books and even talking with each other. For example, my grandma learns from TV show and suggests me to practice yoga, which she has not seen and done before.



In conclusion, it is arbitrary to consider the grandparents’ advices are not useful according to the word’s change. Their experience is truly rich and some characters they possess will be last for a long time and even their knowledge can be continuous increasing with the world’s change.
作者: 晨依Jacqueline    时间: 2012-4-10 15:50
欢迎猪兔兔加入小分队！撒花~~
哇哇 还有写提纲 真的很认真！加油加油
作者: gre呀gre    时间: 2012-4-11 18:40
4.10改错In the past 50 years, the world hasundergone an unprecedented change. It seems that thelife is totally different with that(我觉得应该改成what，求讨论) before. Therefore, some people think that the advices from ourgrandparents are no longer useful for their（前面的our和这里的their感觉不太搭，感觉站的角度不一样，建议把这里的their改成the） grandchildren. However, I don’t agree with them and I persist thatour grandparents’ advices are still of great value.




First and foremost, our grandparents livelonger than us and thus have got through more frustrations which would givethem a lot of experience such as how to calm down and （to）deal with it when facingdifficulties（感觉这里应该变成deal with difficulties when facing them，求讨论）. （To set an example，）When I was in high school, I was desperatewith math because I worked very hard but still can’t（could not，托福作文貌似不能用缩写） catch up with myclassmates. Then I came to my grandma for help and told her that I wanted togive up math（give up 后面不能跟名词，如果要接名词的话好像要加上of） and I just cannot（could not） do it well（and显得太罗嗦了，要不改成because什么的？）. She suggested  me to calm down to find what the problem is（was） and then modulate（这里的modulate是和什么并列呢？如果是和calm down或者find并列，前面应该加上to；如果和suggested并列，modulate应该变成modulated） my learning method, and believed ifI use right method and keep on working hard, I would definitely do well in itin the end. I took her advice and finally, as she expected, caught up with theothers and even carried off a prize in this year’s MCM. I can’t imagine theconsequence without her advice.



In the meantime, there exist someinvaluable qualities that will not diminish no matter what the world havechanged into, although（though，although必须放在句首） the experience of grandparent seems not useful as before with thetremendous change of our world. For instance, grandparents told us that as aperson, we should be loyal, brave, diligent and have sense of responsibility.Is it not true now? The answer is apparently negative. This is a perpetualtruth from past till now, even in the future.（It is a perpetual truththat comes from past till now, even in the future.感觉会好一些，总之前面已经有两个简单句了，这个句子稍微复杂一点会好一些）



Last but not the least, not onlygrandparents possess undiminished characters, but also would learn some newthings with the development of the world.（not only…but also 并列的内容错了，想说的是grandparents不但拥有好品质，而且还在change，所以应该是grandparentsnot only possess…, but also would learn…） World’s huge change doesn’t（does not） mean our grandparents are notchanging.（诶？逻辑上感觉不太通顺诶？） They can absorb new knowledge through watching TV, reading booksand even talking with each other. For example, my grandma learns from TV showand suggests me to practice yoga, which she has（had） not seen and done before.



In conclusion, it is arbitrary to considerthe grandparents’ advices are not useful according to the word’s（world’s） change. Their experience is trulyrich and some characters they possess will be last（lasting） for a long time and even theirknowledge（even 放到这会好一点） can be continuous increasing with the world’s change.


P.S 一点小建议哈！~  在总结段的前面一段加上一点让步会显得你更加客观哈！~~加了个油~
作者: 猪兔兔    时间: 2012-4-11 21:06
1. deal with it when facingdifficulties（感觉这里应该变成deal with difficulties when facing them，求讨论）.
   这个是我写忘了，觉得可以改成 deal with it when faced difficulties 或 when confronting difficulties
   还是你觉得 不应该用 it ,那改成 deal with the situation ?
2.  I wanted to give up math（give up 后面不能跟名词，如果要接名词的话好像要加上of）
   give up sth 或 give sth up 是有的呀~~~
3. She suggested  me to calm down to find what the problem is（was） and then modulate（这里的modulate是和什么并列呢？如果是和calm down或者find并列，前面应该加上to；如果和suggested并列，modulate应该变成modulated）
  貌似我是想跟 calm down 并列的，那还要不要加to 啊。。。貌似要是吗？
4.not onlygrandparents possess undiminished characters, but also would learn some newthings with the development of the world.（not only…but also 并列的内容错了，想说的是grandparents不但拥有好品质，而且还在change，所以应该是grandparentsnot only possess…, but also would learn…
 我是想倒装来着，然后忘记把主谓反过来了。。。然后我又纠结了，如果倒装应该是 not only possess grandparents ...还是not only do grandparents possess。。。以前学的既不清了~~~

【总之，灰常感谢批改，一起进步~~】
作者: 猪兔兔    时间: 2012-4-12 21:45
412
Topic: Compared with people who live in urban areas, the people who live in rural areas can take better care of their families.

Have you ever gone through this kind of thing like your mother died in a sudden heart disease just because you cannot find a normal hospital in the nearest? Have you ever experienced that due to the incompetence of the English teacher, your son was not able to speak English fluently and hence lose the opportunity to pursue advanced studies abroad? Have you ever found your limited salary cannot satisfy family members' daily needs when your wife want to buy a beautiful dress or your son desired to own a car? If you have never had such experiences, you would never know how important living in urban areas is when considering taking care of your families.

Admittedly, people who living in big cities usually have a superior living standard. Though the quiet life of the country may appeal to some persons, if you can do without the few pastoral pleasures of it, you will find the city can provide you with the best that life can offer. Your families never have to travel miles to buy some daily objects. The supermarkets can be found here and there and some of them are even open 24 hours a day. In contrast, country people run wild when they go shopping in the city and stagger home loaned with as many of the exotic items as they can carry. Besides, as city dwellers, your family members will never experience anxieties whether you will catch that last train home because the latest exhibitions, films, or plays are only a short bus ride away.  Some of my acquaintances in the country come up to city once or twice a year to visit the theater as a special treat. I thus safely draw the conclusion that living in urban areas can people gain a convenient life.                          

Apart from a superior living standard, your children can also receive an education with a higher quality compared with their counterparts who live in a small town. For family, children's education is always put into the first place. Big cities have not only competent teachers but also museums and sport centers, which provide an excellent flatform to broaden children's horizon and to improve their physical condition.

Last but not least, probably the most important is there are more job opportunities readily available in big cities than in a small town. Not merely are more job positions in big cities and the qualities and the pay of the position are much higher as well. We cannot ignore the impact that money made. Without a decent salary, your family may suffer from starvation and coldness, not to mention satisfying their extra needs such as I mentioned at the beginning of the passage. To set an example, my uncle, who is a farmer living in a small village, gets a small income every year, with which their family often risk hunger. And my cousin drop out of his high school due to a lack of money. Oppositely, my families, living in Beijing, have a better life. Both my father and mother are teachers in a high school and they can even afford to let me study abroad.

There is no denying that people living in rural areas can have a comfortable life style and most of them do not have to suffer high working stress, which could offer much free time to take care of their families. However, living in urban areas can bring us more valuable merits such as a superior living standard, an education with higher quality and more job opportunities. I therefore reinforce my standpoint to choose urban areas as my residence.

感觉第二个论点 写不出例子了，求指导~~~
作者: 婷婷connie    时间: 2012-4-13 19:40
4.12独立正在改，兔兔不要急哦
412 独立改文 红色错误，蓝色疑惑，黄色精彩
Topic: Compared with people who live in urban areas, the people who live in rural areas can take better care of their families.

（Have you ever gone through this kind of thing like your mother died in a sudden heart disease just because you cannot find a normal hospital in the nearest? Have you ever experienced that due to the incompetence of the English teacher, your son was not able to speak English fluently and hence lose the opportunity to pursue advanced studies abroad? Have you ever found your limited salary cannot satisfy family members' daily needs when your wife want to buy a beautiful dress or your son desired to own a car?）这一部分开头太长了If you have never had such experiences, you would never know how important living in urban areas is when considering taking care of your families.

Admittedly（这个词有让步的意思，直接用to begin with ）, people who living in big cities usually have a superior living standard. Though the quiet life of the country may appeal to some persons, （if you can do without the few pastoral pleasures of it, 删掉）（you will find 中式，删掉）the city can provide you with the best that life can offer. Your families never have to travel miles to buy some daily objects. The supermarkets can be found here and there and some of them are even open 24 hours a day. In contrast, country people run wild when they go shopping in the city and stagger home loaned with as many of the exotic items as they can carry. Besides, as city dwellers, your family members will never experience anxieties whether you will catch that last train home because the latest exhibitions, films, or plays are only a short bus ride away.  Some of my（rural）acquaintances（in the country） come up to city once or twice a year to visit the theater as a special treat. I thus safely draw the conclusion that living in urban areas can people gain a convenient life.                          

Apart from a superior living standard, your children can also receive an education with a higher quality compared with their counterparts who live in a small town. For family, children's education is always put into the first place (enjoy the first priority). Big cities have not only competent teachers but also museums and sport centers, which provide an excellent flatform(platform) to broaden children's horizon and to improve their physical condition.
这一段的例子很简练，好
Last but not least, probably the most important is there are more job opportunities readily available in big cities than in a small town. Not merely（？）are more job positions in big cities and the qualities and the pay of the position are much higher as well. We cannot ignore the impact that money made. Without a decent salary, your family may suffer from starvation and coldness, not to mention satisfying their extra needs such as I mentioned at the beginning of the passage. To set an example, my uncle, who is a farmer living in a small village, gets a small income every year, with which their family often risk hunger. And my cousin drop out of （from）his high school due to a lack of money. Oppositely, my families, living in Beijing, have a better life. Both my father and mother are teachers in a high school and they can even afford to let me study abroad.

加一个结论

There is no denying that people living in rural areas can have a comfortable life style and most of them do not have to suffer high working stress, which could offer much free time to take care of their families. However, living in urban areas can bring us more valuable merits such as a superior living standard, an education with higher quality and more job opportunities. I therefore reinforce my standpoint to choose urban areas as my residence.


怎么会有这么多字？（602）正常考试肯定来不及的，注意控制一下哦
词汇挺丰富的

但一定要注意句子表达的有效性，不要让文章显得冗长

最后，加油啦，兔兔！
作者: 猪兔兔    时间: 2012-4-14 20:43
414 独立
Nowadays, an increasing number of people begin to realize that it is not enough to prepare students for the world of work, if the universities and colleges just teach them about their chosen degree subjects. Asked whether more courses to prepare students for the future work should be offered, people may give a variety of answers based on their individual value system. On balance, I fundamentally agree with the statement that colleges or universities should provide more courses to qualify students for the future before they start working.

To begin with, a course in the purpose to enable people to be more qualified for the career of future can better guarantee students nice jobs and bright future. Through this kind of course, students can explore what kind of jobs they are best suited to in terms of their skills and personality. Without this preparation, they will either graduate with confusion about what kind of work they would like to do, or end up doing a job that they actually have no interest in. Besides, the course can inform students about right career direction by equipping them with knowledge and skills what really needed in the future, and thereby alleviate the stress of making transition from studying theory to putting them into use. For instance, my present university does not provide such kind of course and when I was first time to interview in Baidu, the largest Internet company in China, I was surprise to realize that as high as my GPA was, I just cannot apply them into practical uses and therefore I had to take a long time to adjust to the new pattern of life.

Apart from having the merits for students, this kind of course can also benefit schools themselves, where students can take courses for jobs. If the majority of the graduates can get ideal jobs, this will boost the school's reputation among its potential applicants and thus can attract more and better students. 写不出例子来了，求指导撒~~~

Last not the least, when students and schools enjoy the advantages brought by this kind of course, the society will be increasingly developed at the same time. As I mentioned above, students would be more competent in jobs, consequently increasing the production and enlarging the scale of the enterprise. The society, in the meantime, tends to develop quickly.
Thus, based on the development of the society, schools should offer this kind of course.

Admittedly, to introduce courses, which can qualify students for the future career, may cost a great amount of expenses, such as employing teachers who can do well in this job and encouraging students to choose these courses. However, doing this can bring us more valuable merits when considering students, schools and the society. I therefore reinforce my standpoint to suggest colleges or universities offering more courses to prepare students for the world of work.
作者: miss绿光    时间: 2012-4-15 11:18

414 独立
Nowadays, an increasing number of people begin to realize that it is not enough to prepare students for the world of work, if the universities and colleges just teach them about their chosen degree subjects. Asked whether more courses to prepare students for the future work should be offered, people may give a variety of answers based on their individual value system. On balance, I fundamentally agree with the statement that colleges or universities should provide more courses to qualify students for the future before they start working.

To begin with, a course in the purpose to enable people to be more qualified for the career of future can better guarantee students nice jobs and bright future. Through this kind of course, students can explore what kind of jobs they are best suited to in terms of their skills and personality. Without this preparation, they will either graduate with confusion about what kind of work they would like to do, or end up doing a job that they actually have no interest in. Besides, the course can inform students about right career direction by equipping them with knowledge and skills what really needed in the future, and thereby alleviate the stress of making transition from studying theory to putting them into use. For instance, my present university does not provide such kind of course and when I was first time to interview in Baidu, the largest Internet company in China, I was surprise to realize that as high as my GPA was,though,I just cannot apply them into practical uses and therefore I had to take a long time to adjust to the new pattern of life.

Apart from having the merits for students, this kind of course can also benefit schools themselves, where students can take courses for jobs. If the majority of the graduates can get ideal jobs, this will boost the school's reputation among its potential applicants and thus can attract more and better students. 【就编例子，比如第一段写的是你自己学校的例子，这里就再拿一个学校的例子举，清北什么的，就说他们每年的job preparation项目很多，每每applicator consult的时候，都cannot be too satified，BALABALA的】

Last not the least, when students and schools enjoy the advantages brought by this kind of course, the society will be increasingly developed at the same time. As I mentioned above, students would be more competent in jobs, consequently increasing the production and enlarging the scale of the enterprise. The society, in the meantime, tends to develop quickly.Thus, based on the development of the society, schools should offer this kind of course.

Admittedly, to introduce courses, which can qualify students for the future career, may cost a great amount of expenses, such as employing teachers who can do well in this job and encouraging students to choose these courses. However, doing this can bring us more valuable merits when considering students, schools and the society. I therefore reinforce my standpoint to suggest colleges or universities offering more courses to prepare students for the world of work.


总结一下观点：

1.    对学生好-more practical

2.    对学校好 – raise reputation

3.    对社会好 – accelerate the development

观点我觉得很好，而且层层递进。语言我也觉得很好，运用的非常自如，长难句、高级词汇，同时不晦涩难懂。

唯一想要mention一句的，就是我之前看小分队作文也看过和你一样结构的，给你引用过来。

“采用的是三段式论点，都是加强的那种，使的观点更具说服力。让步在结论段首小题一句，更显结论的严谨性。只是我平时不这么写（主要是想不出来三个加强点……），我主要是担心在结论点说admittedly的部分会不会使reader觉得你对你的结论持保留意见？结论段最好是全加强，不留余地。（北美的作文不像中国这么强调中庸）当然，这只是我自己的看法，你可以再问问考过的高手们。”

就是这样咯~猪兔兔的作文很不错，学习之~




作者: 猪兔兔    时间: 2012-4-16 20:17
Topic: There is never a reason for people to be rude( impolite ) to another person.

An increasing number of children who have a well family-educated are told that they should be polite to others. When asked whether people should be polite at any time, people may give various answers based on their individual value systems. Some persons may claim that there is never a reason for people to be rude to another person, however, I cannot fully agree with that and I contend that it is not wise to state we should never be rude at any time.

To begin with, I concede that politeness, as a traditional virtue, should be conformed and extolled from past till now, even in the future. We cannot imagine how the world will be without manners. As a proverb says, what goes around comes around. You will be treated as the way you treat others and nobody want to be friends with a rude person whose speak is full of vulgar language.

Although being polite is necessary and beneficial, it is truly exaggerated to claim that we should never be impolite to others. Everything is not absolute. When some persons keep challenging our bottom-line, it is justified for us to fight back. If we tolerate the rude behaviors again and again, they would think we are so nice and coward that they can do whatever they want and will be ruder and ruder. For instance, once I wandered in the street, I saw two rude man roared at a woman because she bumped one of them negligently. She apologized and was taciturn with them at the beginning, but they became more unscrupulous and even speak with vulgar language. They did not stop it until the women was unable to bear them and suddenly started to yell to them back. Thus, I would like to claim that sometimes we have to be impolite to some obnoxious persons.

Apart from intruding on individuals' rights mentioned above, the behavior that be nice all the time in some extent can encourage to harm the public's interests. When impolite behaviors be treated back in a polite way, the persons with that kind of behavior would be more rude and even tread on the public interest. In that case, we should not let them feel they can always have their way just because other people are always supposed to be nice. It is undeniable to consider impoliteness to those rude people as excusable.

In conclusion, politeness is always a valuable excellence to be extolled, however, too much tolerate and manners is actually harmful and my contrary to our primary purpose. I therefore reinforce my standpoint that it is not wise to be nice at the time especially when something happened intrude our rights or even harm the public interest.



欢迎光临 ChaseDream (https://forum.chasedream.com/) Powered by Discuz! X3.3