ChaseDream

标题: 【写作小分队】轰炸写作~526~!!! [打印本页]

作者: miss绿光 时间: 2012-4-10 00:40
标题: 【写作小分队】轰炸写作~526~!!!
一直没有开始写作，沉没成本不再追究。每日一套，坚持。
4月10日101022 NA
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The advice from grandparents has no use for their grandchildren because the world changed a lot during the past 5o years.

Due to the dramatically rapid development of the whole world, it is accepted that the cotemporary ideas and notions which are prevalent and reasonable during that period probably become obsolete in few years, let alone in a long time.Based on this perception, the assertion is put forward that the advice from grandparents is no longer helpful for their grandchildren because the changes could be world-shaking. As far as I’m concerned, however, I am on the opposite side of the claim and my stand will be testified to a great extent by the following.

First of all, the grandparents, because of their ages, experience a lot, letting them know how to do the right things and how to avoid conducting errors. Such experience and rationality grandparents possess is of great value to their grandchildren by directing proper and exact solutions to what they are in trouble with. Furthermore, it is experience that often counts most when we make decisions in either emergency or ordinary situation. Take my grandfather, who was a solider during the Anti-Japanese War in China, as an example. Once my family went vacation to the mountains in regions far away from home, during which we are puzzled how to go downside when the sunset would occur. As a little girl then, I was too scared to keep calm and my parents had conflicts with my grandfather about the choice of paths. My grandfather managed to persuade my parents by stating his experience that he had went through mountain ways when he was a soldier, and finally, we arrived at the bottom of the mountain safe and sound before the sunset.

Additionally,the truth, whatever it is, never fades with time passing and age can never serve as the criteria to judge the value of one’s opinion. Changes take place every second in every corner in the world, though, many elder people achieve the feat. Nearly seventy, Ronald Reagan was still selected to be the president of the United States. Another famous person who won the Nobel Prize at the age of only 35, Yang ZhenNing kept studying in the physics area and he was awarded King Faisal International Prize at 2001, at which time he was already 79 years old.Taking these facts into account, how can we refuse to take our grandparents' advices just because the changes are huge during the 50 years?

Admittedly,some opponents of my view hold that older are the people, more conservative they become. The extent of the conservation, however, has little to do with the value of the grandparents’ final decisions. Bare decisions are made merely according to how much deciders are conservative or aggressive; in fact,grandparents are rational enough to take all beneficial perspectives and potential risks into consideration, which probably led to the truth eventually.

5o years maybe a long time for humans’ life span; it is, however, just an instant in the historical endless flow. Therefore, although there are dramatic differences between the world in this second and that 50 years ago,grandparents’ advices, which includes their whole-life experience and the truth they found, can still show us the bright way to the right end.

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没高级词汇，拖沓（写G作文习惯这么多字了，怎么减？），感觉说服力也不强…还请大家帮忙啦~
由于第一次写，写了挺久，中途也有道了~Anyway，请大家给我看下我主要的问题在哪里~我赶紧集中突破之~
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从word粘贴过来格式很恐怖啊……我修正了一些要是还有难看的地方大家多担待点~

作者: Suri在奋斗 时间: 2012-4-10 06:47
沙发，最早的啦

作者: Suri在奋斗 时间: 2012-4-10 06:50
我作文考的时候是4.5，自己纠错本领很糟糕
给绿光亲一个网址哈
句酷批改网，把作文倒腾进去，有系统的纠错和评分
绿光这篇90哦
我本想给你截图过来看，但怎么都不会弄，╮(╯▽╰)╭
绿光亲自去看看
btw,也推荐给yiayia过，他说很不错啦

作者: 199249712 时间: 2012-4-10 08:11
亲爱的我也想要这个网址T.T

作者: miss绿光 时间: 2012-4-10 12:36
谢谢Suri呀~感动^^争取用最后的几天通过练习达到一个好的水平~

作者: 晨依Jacqueline 时间: 2012-4-10 14:34
欢迎绿光~~哇哇一起rock T writing~

作者: miss绿光 时间: 2012-4-11 11:16
标题: TPO7综合
第一次写综合，一下子就会被发现语言有多烂了><，每一段都是反驳咋写出花儿来？咋把听到的东西用好的语言paraphrase？努力！
辛苦给我改的人了…
===========================================

为方便给我改的人，我把TPO软件的reading部分截图了^^（如果有word版本的话别笑话我哈）
===========================================
The issue is about whether the certification that wood companies receive can benefit the company in Unites States eventually. The reading passage holds the view that such certification cannot achieve the goal while the professor in the lecture stands on the totally opposite side.

The passage first mentions that so much advertising are performed to American consumers that American won’t count on the eco-certification label. The passage completely neglects that, however, American treat various kind of advertisement in different ways. American customers can distinguish the advertisements that are made merely for the company’s sake from those that are made by the certification institutions. What’s more, American customers are confident in the independence of those certification institutions. In fact, the certifications made by the independent certification institutions, especially which hold international trust, are favored by American customers.

Secondly,the passage points out that American customers are unlikely to choose those products with certification labels because the eco-certified wood will be more expensive than the uncertified and because American customers are price-oriented to a great extent. Thoroughly opposed to the opinion, the professor in the lecture clarifies that American customers are not only count on price when they choose merchandises, which just occurs when the price of one product is higher or lower than other products of the same category obviously. That is to say, if the difference among the products is not too apparent to ignore,such as less than 5 percent, American customers will take other factors into consideration.On the other hand, American customers value protection of environment remarkably, which probably leads them to buy products with certified labels.

At last, in the world of boom development, it is vital to protect own business from invasion of foreign competitors. If many American customers intend to buy those eco-certified products but there has no supply for those product domestically produced, they have to buy foreign products. To go furthermore,foreign products will crowd in the United States market. Apparently, in the passage, the claim, that it is not always convincing to keep up with the development in the rest of world since American wood companies don’t market most of their products abroad, cannot stand because the focus is the foreign rivals rather than the foreign customers.

作者: Crystaljoy 时间: 2012-4-11 22:37
占座~~~~ 明天要来拜读绿光亲亲的作文~~~

作者: miss绿光 时间: 2012-4-11 23:30
标题: 4-11 自己写的机经
单数日我就写JJ啦~辛苦给我改的人了！
生理痛于是我墨迹了好久才写出了这个，时间果断超死了…不通顺的地方见怪！写完以后没力气再看了，但是估计写的比较晦涩，感觉长句子有点多，长短句结合的不好。。。观点也不知道行不行。。辛苦了~

======================
Agree or disagree? Colleges or universitiesshould offer students a better job preparation before they start working.

Faced with the trend to fiercer competition around the world, how to enter the career as a relatively competitive and qualified applicator has been raised into heat discussion. The claim, that students should be provided a better job preparation by colleges or universities before the students begin working,gains some support while burdens some critics as well. From my perspective,however, I support such provision due to the following three aspects.

First of all, better job preparation can definitely contribute to the improvement in competitiveness of students, which benefits both their application and their whole career. Take my university, which holds different kind of programs for job preparation for different grades of students frequently, as an example. In my university, departments, especially the business department, highly value the job preparation and often invite outstanding ones who have already become successful in their career to share experience with students, because it is accepted that every student will enter the wok eventually, which triggers the importance of preparation before going to work. Therefore, my university has a lot activities that attract students to take part in and thereby to improve their comprehensive abilities. In terms of the class I’m in, those job preparations teach us a lot.Based on the significant impacts brought about by the job preparation, I am in favor of such program unswervingly.

In addition,it is undoubted that such preparation raises the reputation of colleges or universities since all students desire to enter schools who offer more platforms for them to improve themselves. Because of the excellent job preparation, my university not only benefits students but also raises reputation of itelf. Every student, when come to capture information about my university after the college entrance examination,expresses his or her satisfaction on face as soon as the student knows the policy in my university towards pre-job training, which is more positive compared with that of other universities. Furthermore, the parents who accompany their children coming to consult also are impressed and thereby they tell other parents about this advantage of my university, raising reputation among different social circles. Therefore, job preparation is required for the college’s or university’s sake.

Admittedly, it is reasonable to consider the rising cost brought by the preparation and wonder whether the incremental cost is worthy investing. That claim, however, ignores that fact that cost should never serve as the paramount factor in our decision making since the outcome is what we need to acquire and which we obtain to move forward. Taking the pragmatic benefits better job preparation offers into consideration,I approve improvements to be taken into practice.

There is some potential sides effects, though, every coin has two sides and better job preparation can exert more benefits without question. Therefore, after balancing the benefits for the students and the schools, and potential worry about the rising cost, I insist on the preparation of better jobs before students go to work, which sheds light on the roads where students and schools are stepping on.
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为神马从word粘贴来的格式词汇就经常连起来了~呜呜~不过已经用空格摁开啦~嘻嘻！再谢谢给我批改作文的人~善良的人儿们~

作者: miss绿光 时间: 2012-4-11 23:37
鸟儿谬赞了……作文不好的，写的好慢的><，才憋出来这些，别被骗啦，哈啊哈~

作者: 晨依Jacqueline 时间: 2012-4-11 23:40
亲爱的绿光~晨依明天晚上再给你修改大作哦~~

嘻嘻还是绿光的综合处女作呢~~

先小小地晚安下咯~

作者: miss绿光 时间: 2012-4-11 23:41

亲爱的绿光~晨依明天晚上再给你修改大作哦~~

嘻嘻还是绿光的综合处女作呢~~

先小小地晚安下咯~

-- by 会员晨依Jacqueline (2012/4/11 23:40:35)

恩，我还真是没写过综合~你多指点一下哈~不明白套路><!谢谢晨依！MUA!

作者: 晨依Jacqueline 时间: 2012-4-12 18:50

TPO7综合修改
红色为错误，蓝色为疑惑or建议，黄色为精彩（不知道为什么那个高亮弄不出来了）
The issue is about whether(据我了解好像没有这样用的呢，可不可以换个句式说The issue of whether the certification...is under discussion.) the certification that wood companies receive can benefit the company in Unites States eventually. The reading passage holds the view that such certification cannot achieve the goal while the professor in the lecture stands on the totally opposite side.(the professor in the lecture略显麻烦，直接lecturer或者professor就可以啦~)

The passage first mentions that so much advertising are performed to American consumers that American won’t count onthe eco-certification label. (+However, the professor indicates that the passage neglects...我觉得应该突出一下是listening反驳了reading的观点，)The passage completely neglects that, however, American(s)treat various kind of advertisement in different ways. American customers can distinguish the advertisements that are made merely for the company’s sake from those that are made by the certification institutions. What’s more, American customers are confident in the independence of those certification institutions. In fact, the certifications made by the independent certification institutions, especially which hold international trust, are favored by American customers.

Secondly,the passage(可以乱七八糟的替换下哈、author啊writer啊，etc)points out that American customers are unlikely to choose those products with certification labels because the eco-certified wood will be more expensive than the uncertified (+ones)and because American customers are price-oriented to a great extent. Thoroughly opposed to the opinion, the professor in the lecture clarifies that American customers are not only count on price when they choose merchandises, which just occurs when the price of one product is higher or lower than other products of the same category obviously. That is to say, if the difference among the products is not too apparent to ignore,such as(for example/for instance) less than 5 percent, American customers will take other factors into consideration.On the other hand,(有个问题，可以前面不加on one hand然后单独用吗?) American customers value protection of environmentremarkably, which probably leads them to buy products with certified labels.

At last, in the world of boom development, it is vital to protect own business frominvasionof foreign competitors. If many American customers intend to buy those eco-certified products but there has no supply for those product domestically produced, they have to buy foreign products.(我觉得这个地方有点意译了、、、)To go furthermore,foreign products will crowd in the United States market. Apparently,in the passage, the claim, that it is not always convincing to keep up with the development in the rest of world since American wood companies don’t market most of their products abroad, cannot stand because the focus is the foreign rivals rather than the foreign customers.

【Conclusion】
1 不得不说的是，绿光真的很用心，把reading部分截了图~而且晨依真的大开眼界了，有这么多精彩的替换和表达，各种高亮词汇~这一点晨依要像绿光学习！
2 个人感觉绿光的作文词数稍微多了点，当然在考场上有限的时间里能够写出这么多来也很好啦，不过我个人感觉过多了就显得文章不够精炼了。
3 因为综合写作要求我们概括观点、细节，并且挑明reading和listening关系，所以我们不需要变换太多的花样来转述或者解释听到的和看到的内容。阅读部分提炼观点简单一两句话表述清楚就可以，听力部分也是写出professor的观点和details就可以，不需要太多同意转换就好的。绿光的文章一看就是听力听的很明白，但是在表达的时候有点同义转述的意味，会让ETS的评分员感觉你只能大体听懂意思而不是听得很精确，所以如果尽可能把听力的原汁原味的东西写出来会让他们觉得你很牛的~
4 然后很重要的一点，绿光一定要注意在文章中点出来reading和listening的关系，每段最好都能提一下，一般就是反驳的关系啦~~感觉这篇文章中有此意识的萌芽但是还不是很成熟和突出呢，可以看看模板句子。还有就是可以变化一下人称，比如reading--listening，author--lecturer，writer--professor，passage--speech等等。
5 最后针对绿光帖子最前面的问题，说一下个人观点，就是其实综合不像独立那样可以写出很多花样来，顶多就是在模板的变化上灵活一点点，其他的内容还是尽量尊重“原著”哈（阅读可以用同意表述，听力尽量写原文~）、绿光可以看看范文总结下模板~
6 总结的总结，绿光的语言运用能力和听力水平都是很腻害的啦，继续保持就Ok~稍微把重心偏一偏，顺着ETS的意思来写，注意上面几个小的问题就perfect啦！（晨依发现自己真的好啰嗦哦、就写这些吧供绿光参考！加油↖(^ω^)↗）

作者: gre呀gre 时间: 2012-4-12 20:40
绿光好！我这会才到家，今天实在是太难受头太疼了，所以我明早再修改你的独立作文好吗？4.11的作文实在没精神写了，就不用帮我改啦~ 真的很不好意思哦，这两天太忙了，明早我一定改！

作者: miss绿光 时间: 2012-4-12 20:41

绿光好！我这会才到家，今天实在是太难受头太疼了，所以我明早再修改你的独立作文好吗？4.11的作文实在没精神写了，就不用帮我改啦~ 真的很不好意思哦，这两天太忙了，明早我一定改！

-- by 会员 gre呀gre (2012/4/12 20:40:11)

我的是非常不着急的~~哈哈~不过你的作文是bechasing改~你去ta的帖子里面留下吧~
忙忙的孩纸注意休息哈~

作者: miss绿光 时间: 2012-4-12 20:43
个人感觉绿光的作文词数稍微多了点，当然在考场上有限的时间里能够写出这么多来也很好啦，不过我个人感觉过多了就显得文章不够精炼了。
因为综合写作要求我们概括观点、细节，并且挑明reading和listening关系，所以我们不需要变换太多的花样来转述或者解释听到的和看到的内容。阅读部分提炼观点简单一两句话表述清楚就可以，听力部分也是写出professor的观点和details就可以，不需要太多同意转换就好的。绿光的文章一看就是听力听的很明白，但是在表达的时候有点同义转述的意味，会让ETS的评分员感觉你只能大体听懂意思而不是听得很精确，所以如果尽可能把听力的原汁原味的东西写出来会让他们觉得你很牛的~
然后很重要的一点，绿光一定要注意在文章中点出来reading和listening的关系，每段最好都能提一下，一般就是反驳的关系啦~~感觉这篇文章中有此意识的萌芽但是还不是很成熟和突出呢，可以看看模板句子。还有就是可以变化一下人称，比如reading--listening，author--lecturer，writer--professor，passage--speech等等。
最后针对绿光帖子最前面的问题，说一下个人观点，就是其实综合不像独立那样可以写出很多花样来，顶多就是在模板的变化上灵活一点点，其他的内容还是尽量尊重“原著”哈（阅读可以用同意表述，听力尽量写原文~）、绿光可以看看范文总结下模板~
总结的总结，绿光的语言运用能力和听力水平都是很腻害的啦，继续保持就Ok~稍微把重心偏一偏，顺着ETS的意思来写，注意上面几个小的问题就perfect啦！（晨依发现自己真的好啰嗦哦、就写这些吧供绿光参考！加油↖(^ω^)↗）
==============================
晨依写了这么多我都要感动死了！高亮的地方全是绿光不了解的，这么多，有木有！晨依给了我这么多highly useful info有木有！过来让我熊抱个！

作者: gre呀gre 时间: 2012-4-12 20:49

-- by 会员 gre呀gre (2012/4/12 20:40:11)

我的是非常不着急的~~哈哈~不过你的作文是bechasing改~你去ta的帖子里面留下吧~
忙忙的孩纸注意休息哈~

-- by 会员 miss绿光 (2012/4/12 20:41:32)

好的，thx~ 真不好意思了，我明天早上一定改好！

作者: 晨依Jacqueline 时间: 2012-4-12 21:07

个人感觉绿光的作文词数稍微多了点，当然在考场上有限的时间里能够写出这么多来也很好啦，不过我个人感觉过多了就显得文章不够精炼了。
因为综合写作要求我们概括观点、细节，并且挑明reading和listening关系，所以我们不需要变换太多的花样来转述或者解释听到的和看到的内容。阅读部分提炼观点简单一两句话表述清楚就可以，听力部分也是写出professor的观点和details就可以，不需要太多同意转换就好的。绿光的文章一看就是听力听的很明白，但是在表达的时候有点同义转述的意味，会让ETS的评分员感觉你只能大体听懂意思而不是听得很精确，所以如果尽可能把听力的原汁原味的东西写出来会让他们觉得你很牛的~
然后很重要的一点，绿光一定要注意在文章中点出来reading和listening的关系，每段最好都能提一下，一般就是反驳的关系啦~~感觉这篇文章中有此意识的萌芽但是还不是很成熟和突出呢，可以看看模板句子。还有就是可以变化一下人称，比如reading--listening，author--lecturer，writer--professor，passage--speech等等。
最后针对绿光帖子最前面的问题，说一下个人观点，就是其实综合不像独立那样可以写出很多花样来，顶多就是在模板的变化上灵活一点点，其他的内容还是尽量尊重“原著”哈（阅读可以用同意表述，听力尽量写原文~）、绿光可以看看范文总结下模板~
总结的总结，绿光的语言运用能力和听力水平都是很腻害的啦，继续保持就Ok~稍微把重心偏一偏，顺着ETS的意思来写，注意上面几个小的问题就perfect啦！（晨依发现自己真的好啰嗦哦、就写这些吧供绿光参考！加油↖(^ω^)↗）
==============================
晨依写了这么多我都要感动死了！高亮的地方全是绿光不了解的，这么多，有木有！晨依给了我这么多highly useful info有木有！过来让我熊抱个！

-- by 会员 miss绿光 (2012/4/12 20:43:35)

晨依来抱啦~期待和绿光一起进步，么么~再来共享个小文件~~

作者: daisyの小夢想 时间: 2012-4-12 21:27
4.10 独立

Due to the dramatically rapid development ofthe whole world, it is accepted that the cotemporary ideas and notions whichare prevalent and reasonable during that period probably become obsolete in fewyears, let alone in a long time. Based on this perception, the assertion is put forward that theadvice from grandparents is no longer helpful for their grandchildren becausethe changes could be world-shaking. As far as I’m concerned, however, I am on the opposite side of theclaim and my stand will be testified to a great extent by the following.

First of all, the grandparents, because oftheir ages, (have experienced) experience a lot, letting them know (sothey know) how to do the right things and how to avoidconducting errors. Such experience and rationality grandparents possess is of greatvalue to their grandchildren by directing proper and exact solutions to whatthey are in trouble with. Furthermore, it is experience that often counts mostwhen we make decisions in either emergency or ordinary situation. Take mygrandfather, who was a solider during the Anti-Japanese War in China, as anexample.(这句不能作为完整的句子噢，改为Mygrandfather… is an example.) Once my familywent vacation to the mountains in regions far away from home, during which(which指代不清) we are puzzled how to go downside when the sunset would occur(before sunset). As a little girl then, I was too scared to keep calm and my parentshad conflicts with my grandfather about the choice of paths. My grandfathermanaged to persuade my parents by stating his experience that he had wentthrough mountain ways when he was a soldier, and finally, we arrived at the bottomof the mountain safe and sound before the sunset.

Additionally, the truth, whatever it is, neverfades with time passing and age can never serve as the criteria to judge thevalue of one’s opinion. Changes take place every second in every corner in theworld, though, many elder people achieve the feat. Nearly seventy, RonaldReagan was still selected to be the president of the United States. Anotherfamous person who won the Nobel Prize at the age of only 35, Yang ZhenNing keptstudying in the physics area and he was awarded King Faisal International Prizeat 2001, at which time(when) he was already 79 years old. Taking these facts into account, how canwe refuse to take our grandparents' advices just because the changes are hugeduring the 50 years?

Admittedly, some opponents of my view hold thatolder are the people, more conservative they become. The extent of the conservation(对话的长度？), however, has little to do with the value of thegrandparents’ final decisions. Bare decisions are made merely according to how much deciders are conservative or aggressive (how conservativeor aggressive deciders are); in fact, grandparentsare rational enough to take all beneficial perspectives and potential risksinto consideration, which probably led to the truth eventually. (不是很懂这段要说什么><)

5oyears maybe a long time for humans’ life span; it is, however, just an instantin the historical endless flow. Therefore,although there are dramatic differences between the world in this second andthat 50 years ago(??五十年前的建议。), grandparents’ advices, which includes their whole-lifeexperience and the truth they found, can still show us the bright way to theright end.

语言很丰富，句式复杂多样。好像都是很长的句子，适当可以长短句结合。
真佩服绿光能在那么短时间写出这样水准的文章^^ 加油~冲30吧。

作者: gre呀gre 时间: 2012-4-13 16:00
4.11作文改正：Agree or disagree? Colleges oruniversitiesshould offer students a better job preparation before they startworking.

Faced(Facing)~~with~~ (如果要用face with的用法，face这时必须用名词形式) the trend to （a）fiercer competition around the world, how to enter the career as arelatively competitive and qualified applicator has been raised into heatdiscussion. The claim, that students should be provided（for） a better job preparation bycolleges or universities before the students begin working,gains some support while burdenssome critics as well（赞！）. From my perspective,however, Isupport such provision due to the following three aspects.

First of all, better job preparation candefinitely contribute to the improvement in competitiveness of students, whichbenefits both their application and their whole career. Take my university,which holds different kind（kinds） of programs for job preparation fordifferent grades of students frequently, as an example. In my university,departments, especially the business department, highly value the jobpreparation and often invite outstanding ones who have already becomesuccessful in their career to share experience with students, because it isaccepted that every student will enter the wok eventually, which triggers theimportance of preparation before going to work. Therefore, my university has a lotactivities that attract students to take part in and thereby to improve theircomprehensive abilities. In terms of the class I’m（I am，托福写作貌似不能用缩写） in, those job preparations teach us a lot.Based on the significantimpacts brought about by the job preparation, I am in favor of such programunswervingly.

In addition,it is undoubted that suchpreparation raises the reputation of colleges or universities since allstudents desire to enter schools who offer more platforms for them to improvethemselves. Because of the excellent job preparation, my university not onlybenefits students but also raises reputation of itelf. Every student, when come（comes） to capture information about myuniversity after the college entrance examination,expresses his or hersatisfaction on face as soon as the student knows the policy in my universitytowards pre-job training, which is more positive compared with that of otheruniversities. Furthermore, the parents who accompany their children coming toconsult also are impressed and thereby they tell other parents about thisadvantage of my university, raising reputation among different social circles.Therefore, job preparation is required for the college’s or university’s sake.（例子和上一段的貌似是一样的，可以把这个例子安在别人身上，或者通过对比，说别的学校没有而本校有这个项目，会使得例子更加多样化~）

Admittedly, it is reasonable to considerthe rising cost brought by the preparation and（to） wonder whether the incremental costis worthy investing. That claim, however, ignores that fact that cost shouldnever serve as the paramount factor in our decision making since the outcome iswhat we need to acquire and which we obtain to move forward. Taking thepragmatic benefits better job preparation offers into consideration,I approveimprovements to be taken into practice.

There is some potential sides effects,though, every coin has two sides and better job preparation can exert more benefitswithout question. Therefore, after balancing the benefits for the students andthe schools, and potential worry about the rising cost, I insist on thepreparation of better jobs before students go to work, which sheds light on the roads where studentsand schools are stepping on.（赞！）
写的真的挺好的，几乎改不出错误来，就是一些很小很小的点需要注意~ 个人建议哈~如果再能编一些数据神马的放在里面就更好了！显得文章很客观，有数据支持，数据的具体数字和来源自己编就好啦~ 文章稍微有点长，将近500个字了，不知道考试的时候能不能按时打完？如果打字速度快就没事儿啦~ 加油！写的很好的！！

作者: miss绿光 时间: 2012-4-13 21:53
标题: 福利贴
可能不是所有人都看过我的梦之队日记~里面有一些关于托福作文的心经（摘取别人的），我搬过来和大家分享一下~！
================================================
从22~29分的作文经验
http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-505491-1-1.html
刚刚看到有人说托福作文时间不够了，怎么写。我就冒个泡泡吧。
凭良心讲，一年前我也不会写。第一次考22，两个fair.后来我就猛看了一本叫老美185的书，就是美国人写的东西。感觉收获不少。二战的时候独立作文就good了，24的分。但是居然前面一篇还是fair，我当然是不甘心的。但是一年之后我的gmat准备二战，那个时候我根本来不及，就准备了一下综合作文，当时确实是时间来不及，不是我故意不复习，作文我就写过一篇综合作文，算是把模板背了一遍，但是结果出来我很惊讶，得了6.0分。所以托福三战的时候我信心满满，这次我这是把og的综合作文研究了一下，写了自己的模板，就这么上了。不过上了考场以后，我觉得综合作文最后一篇没来得及写完，写了480的样子。所以这一次的结果是前一篇good，后一篇fair。怪我自己太轻敌。所以我四战了。这一次我把og的两篇作文好好研究了一下，回想了以前总结的写作文的经验，临考的晚上随便找了一篇文章的综合作文，练习了框架，所以两篇good，是29了。
根据我的经验，写作文不难，考前一天好好强化一下技巧，回顾一下历史比较重要，我现在把我的经验随便写一点在这里吧，算是回馈一下大家：
1.托福作文到底要花多少时间？
这个问题有两说，你是有技巧还是有实力？如果你没有实力，这个时间花得就挺长的。从我一战到二战我就看了一个月的老美185，怎么说呢，它的idea很傻，没有李晓来的清楚，结构上绝对是比较失败的，但是它的语言的流畅程度是李晓来望尘莫及的。特别是一些句式。关于这一点我强烈建议大家把题库185至少看一遍，当然现在题库更新了，185我觉得好像都拿来做口语题了。所以不要以为都写过就很N了，关键是过一遍，一天看50题，3天空闲时间就看完了。看的时候看看到底哪篇文章不会写，去找李晓来的高分185，不要看文章。。。。不能看，看前面的中文提纲（PS，中文有时候和下面英文牛头不对马嘴的，那就要去看看英文了）。当然看老美185是非常重要的，我当时二战的前看了50来篇，背了2篇我觉得最好的。总之就是掌握一个人家的句法。有童鞋说时间不够，哪里看得了那么多，我记得网上有人家整理的托福句子200句，都是很好的句型。我翻来覆去看了好几遍。有时候在车上啊，路上啊，就看了。很有帮助。我说的这个过程就是实力提高的过程。所以花的时间会比较长。

当然，如果你的实力已经有了，技巧的话要花多长时间？累计考前不超过10小时吧，以你看书的速度决定，我是一个晚上左右~比如准备一下案例（这些网上也有童鞋整理好了的），我就不重新发来浪费大家时间了，但是我要声明的是，这些案例多数用不上，只是看了心理安慰的。我一般是早上坐车去考试的时候在车上看的，看过一次的话，再看估计也就20几分钟吧，记住人名和关键词。但是真是没用上。。。大家参考。。。。然后考前几天有空的时候看两句200句里面的句型，对自己绝对有潜移默化的影响。所以我后面2次考T以及之前一次考G的作文，都是相当轻松的，没怎么写。但是我的经验和教训就是，模板要背一遍，框架找一篇jj里面的，随便一篇，你不是很会写那种，练个框架。

S：我个人不是很建议大家把jj里面的文章全都写一遍，一方面浪费宝贵的复习时间，另一方面，你考试的时候如果真考到，就会比较刻意地去复制以前的作文。我觉得写作最重要的是创作的过程，只有写得你自己觉得才思泉涌，才能写出好文章。背出来的文章，说不定会有很多瑕疵。个人感觉，大家参考，我是比较喜欢创作的人。不喜欢按部就班。。。这就是为啥我的口语虽然pronounciation很好，但是停留在22 23的水平了。因为很大的原因是我不喜欢背东西。一旦背东西，我听起来就不是说口语了。

2.前面说到了准备时间的问题。
我现在有几个技巧，特别要说一下，掌握着几个技巧，我觉得独立作文就差不多了。。。。

首先，是结构，怎么样让结构清晰？不是只有first， second这么土的词的。又不是写法律，如果不是黔驴技穷，尽量换点词。比如说in the first place啊，at the very beginning，again，also。。。。好多好多我就不说这种常识了。当然了，如果你确实是一下子想不起来（虽然有这种情况的备案，我还是这是unjustified的，你有一个晚上准备，这几个词应该是提前准备好的，随便用的），怎么办呢。如果你说了firstly，不一定要说secondly，就算你连secondly这个词也不知道怎么写，那千万别用thirdly，换个词嘛。furthermore，what's more, in addion....写文章我觉得最忌讳的是人家能预测到你的下一个词，这样人家就不想看了。当然回到托福这个问题上而言，结构一定要清楚！！！非常强调这一点。三战的时候我就是结构有点混乱了才24的。
但是结构也不是一层不变的，就只有首先然后再然后么？我觉得这个最好是放在小结构里面。一般文章我建议大家有两个框架，第一个是大框架，表明辩证关系，第二个是supporting 框架，表明递进关系。我就不信这样你都没得写了。是怕你写不完的。。。
其次，就是句型。
这个我前面说过了，没事随便看看。嗯~背几句。当然我建议大家是找一篇句型特多，结构清楚的文章来背。这样，你就啥都有了~Jtrchina和我会说他背了7000字的口语和作文材料。反正我是膜拜的，我不用心，也不敢和他比。他的暴力法也挺有用。看大家适合什么方法吧。

最后是例子，有人说例子没有怎么办，没有什么怎么办的。挖掘你自己啊，用本山的小品说，就是往祖坟上刨。。。。多数事情我们都有经历，往自己身上扯的好处是，1.木有考证，没有对错，名人就不同了，有对错之分。。。2.最熟悉，不会有不会写的词。你说你自己就是I吧，说issac Newton要多少字，打错了还有negative impression。当然了，有同学记忆力好，多写点也没关系。我写的时候是到处扯的。普遍联系的观点，这次作文我还说道北朝鲜的独裁制度啥的，这种东西新闻里面天天有，平常多看cnn，里面观点很火辣。你就有素材了。但是这是锦上添花，最基本的还是刨你自己，你爸妈，你七大姑八大姨~
不过supporting ideas可不需要段段都有for example的例子，你想想，那得多俗啊。我特别忌讳用for example，然后后一面一堆。不知道大家有没有经验，一般我们reading的时候看到这个词汇，是不是就不看了？看个主体，看个大概。你用这个词不是警示人家不要看么？我会说一堆推理，然后悄悄的灌输思想。等我说完，再来一句，this is how it works~他才发现他已经看完了，后悔也来不及了。哈哈~
说到这里，结构，句式，和内容都有了。好像作文是差不多了，但是不是的，还有综合作文。。。我一直以为综合作文可以一样对待，结果发现不是的。。。根据我对og满分范文的研究（就一篇，大家研究吧，就一篇多了也么有），以上技巧+模板不能完全适用于综合作文。综合作文是你在转述，独立作文是自述。
但是转述也不是说没有自己观点的。你要证明给别人看，你用了脑子的，没有当复读机，所以我不建议大家重复原文的话，反而要总结成概括性的句子，放在每一段。当然模板也是很需要的，这个自己做吧~网上也有，但是我还是建议自己做。模板作用就是加快速度。模板的内容就是一个label和对比的作用。哪些是作者说的，哪些是professor说的，然后对比，比如while，however，on the contrary的样子。
但是人家没说的话你要不要说？很多人问这个问题，当然要说了。要不怎么证明你用了脑子，但是你不能说自己的观点。全文不能出现I believe这种话。关键是总结出作者的逻辑关系。实话告诉各位，哪怕没听全都不要怕，我这次就没听全，我听力的时候突然周围开始狂口语。。。我比他们进去得早，突然一下子吵不习惯。。。还好是到了尾声了。作者说全的话也不一定要全写出来。用自己的语言概括逻辑关系。我举个例子吧，eg.文章说A是错误的，但是作者refute了3个原因。其中一个原因是，虽然会出现这样的现象，但是有可能是被其它的原因干扰，比如云云，和A无关。这句话的核心就是与A无关。可以把这句话提出来。然后可以加上一些你自己认为的合理的分析。但是是从speech maker的角度去想的分析，他可以没说，你要把他没说的说了~而且还不能I think，因为是由ta 说的推出的。你分析好了再对比一次。
3.就是字数吧。
我个人觉得越多越好。第一篇我写了480，第二篇我写了580的样子。字数取胜，越多越好~

我写的纯属自己的亲身经历，而且，如果你们理解了就会发现，托福是个八股文产物，如果你能表现出那么一点点创造力，又符合它八股文的要求，你就可以双good了。一个good就24.反正我验证了两次。

作者: miss绿光 时间: 2012-4-13 21:54

4.10 独立

Due to the dramatically rapid development ofthe whole world, it is accepted that the cotemporary ideas and notions whichare prevalent and reasonable during that period probably become obsolete in fewyears, let alone in a long time. Based on this perception, the assertion is put forward that theadvice from grandparents is no longer helpful for their grandchildren becausethe changes could be world-shaking. As far as I’m concerned, however, I am on the opposite side of theclaim and my stand will be testified to a great extent by the following.

First of all, the grandparents, because oftheir ages, (have experienced) experience a lot, letting them know (sothey know) how to do the right things and how to avoidconducting errors. Such experience and rationality grandparents possess is of greatvalue to their grandchildren by directing proper and exact solutions to whatthey are in trouble with. Furthermore, it is experience that often counts mostwhen we make decisions in either emergency or ordinary situation. Take mygrandfather, who was a solider during the Anti-Japanese War in China, as anexample.(这句不能作为完整的句子噢，改为Mygrandfather… is an example.) Once my familywent vacation to the mountains in regions far away from home, during which(which指代不清) we are puzzled how to go downside when the sunset would occur(before sunset). As a little girl then, I was too scared to keep calm and my parentshad conflicts with my grandfather about the choice of paths. My grandfathermanaged to persuade my parents by stating his experience that he had wentthrough mountain ways when he was a soldier, and finally, we arrived at the bottomof the mountain safe and sound before the sunset.

Additionally, the truth, whatever it is, neverfades with time passing and age can never serve as the criteria to judge thevalue of one’s opinion. Changes take place every second in every corner in theworld, though, many elder people achieve the feat. Nearly seventy, RonaldReagan was still selected to be the president of the United States. Anotherfamous person who won the Nobel Prize at the age of only 35, Yang ZhenNing keptstudying in the physics area and he was awarded King Faisal International Prizeat 2001, at which time(when) he was already 79 years old. Taking these facts into account, how canwe refuse to take our grandparents' advices just because the changes are hugeduring the 50 years?

Admittedly, some opponents of my view hold thatolder are the people, more conservative they become. The extent of the conservation(对话的长度？), however, has little to do with the value of thegrandparents’ final decisions. Bare decisions are made merely according to how much deciders are conservative or aggressive (how conservativeor aggressive deciders are); in fact, grandparentsare rational enough to take all beneficial perspectives and potential risksinto consideration, which probably led to the truth eventually. (不是很懂这段要说什么><)

5oyears maybe a long time for humans’ life span; it is, however, just an instantin the historical endless flow. Therefore,although there are dramatic differences between the world in this second andthat 50 years ago(??五十年前的建议。), grandparents’ advices, which includes their whole-lifeexperience and the truth they found, can still show us the bright way to theright end.

语言很丰富，句式复杂多样。好像都是很长的句子，适当可以长短句结合。
真佩服绿光能在那么短时间写出这样水准的文章^^ 加油~冲30吧。

-- by 会员 daisyの小夢想 (2012/4/12 21:27:08)

非常感谢Daisy哇~我也木有短时间啦，处女独立作文有花一些时间啦~不过会渐渐缩短啦！争取和考G的时候一样半小时飙到600字！会注意长短句的结合的~熊抱！

作者: miss绿光 时间: 2012-4-13 21:56

4.11作文改正：Agree or disagree? Colleges oruniversitiesshould offer students a better job preparation before they startworking.

Faced(Facing)~~with~~ (如果要用face with的用法，face这时必须用名词形式) the trend to （a）fiercer competition around the world, how to enter the career as arelatively competitive and qualified applicator has been raised into heatdiscussion. The claim, that students should be provided（for） a better job preparation bycolleges or universities before the students begin working,gains some support while burdenssome critics as well（赞！）. From my perspective,however, Isupport such provision due to the following three aspects.

First of all, better job preparation candefinitely contribute to the improvement in competitiveness of students, whichbenefits both their application and their whole career. Take my university,which holds different kind（kinds） of programs for job preparation fordifferent grades of students frequently, as an example. In my university,departments, especially the business department, highly value the jobpreparation and often invite outstanding ones who have already becomesuccessful in their career to share experience with students, because it isaccepted that every student will enter the wok eventually, which triggers theimportance of preparation before going to work. Therefore, my university has a lotactivities that attract students to take part in and thereby to improve theircomprehensive abilities. In terms of the class I’m（I am，托福写作貌似不能用缩写） in, those job preparations teach us a lot.Based on the significantimpacts brought about by the job preparation, I am in favor of such programunswervingly.

In addition,it is undoubted that suchpreparation raises the reputation of colleges or universities since allstudents desire to enter schools who offer more platforms for them to improvethemselves. Because of the excellent job preparation, my university not onlybenefits students but also raises reputation of itelf. Every student, when come（comes） to capture information about myuniversity after the college entrance examination,expresses his or hersatisfaction on face as soon as the student knows the policy in my universitytowards pre-job training, which is more positive compared with that of otheruniversities. Furthermore, the parents who accompany their children coming toconsult also are impressed and thereby they tell other parents about thisadvantage of my university, raising reputation among different social circles.Therefore, job preparation is required for the college’s or university’s sake.（例子和上一段的貌似是一样的，可以把这个例子安在别人身上，或者通过对比，说别的学校没有而本校有这个项目，会使得例子更加多样化~）

Admittedly, it is reasonable to considerthe rising cost brought by the preparation and（to） wonder whether the incremental costis worthy investing. That claim, however, ignores that fact that cost shouldnever serve as the paramount factor in our decision making since the outcome iswhat we need to acquire and which we obtain to move forward. Taking thepragmatic benefits better job preparation offers into consideration,I approveimprovements to be taken into practice.

There is some potential sides effects,though, every coin has two sides and better job preparation can exert more benefitswithout question. Therefore, after balancing the benefits for the students andthe schools, and potential worry about the rising cost, I insist on thepreparation of better jobs before students go to work, which sheds light on the roads where studentsand schools are stepping on.（赞！）
写的真的挺好的，几乎改不出错误来，就是一些很小很小的点需要注意~ 个人建议哈~如果再能编一些数据神马的放在里面就更好了！显得文章很客观，有数据支持，数据的具体数字和来源自己编就好啦~ 文章稍微有点长，将近500个字了，不知道考试的时候能不能按时打完？如果打字速度快就没事儿啦~ 加油！写的很好的！！

-- by 会员 gre呀gre (2012/4/13 16:00:44)

特别感谢你的关于DATA的建议，以前也听别人说过，没记住；现在又多了一个stimulus，记住啦！！！谢谢你的哈~

第二段中的“例子和上一段的貌似是一样的，可以把这个例子安在别人身上，或者通过对比，说别的学校没有而本校有这个项目，会使得例子更加多样化~“的建议也超棒，这样显得伦家有两个学校的例子呢~GOOD IDEA!thx a lot！！！！

作者: miss绿光 时间: 2012-4-14 00:02
TO 婷婷：我写的是JJ，因为428就要考试啦~嘻嘻，麻烦你拉，可能还要再想看下我的观点切不切题什么的，我是觉得最后有点累赘和牵强了……辛苦你啦！！！！

20101009NA
Agree or disagree? Compared with people who live in cities, people who live in rural areas can take better care of their families.

That might seem the trend to enter cities from the rural areas has never stopped, making the cities seemingly more advanced than the rural areas. There is somebody outside, meanwhile, claims that the trend must be explained other than such theory because they believe that living in different places doesn’t lead them to different life status. From my perspective, however, people who live in rural areas can take better care of their families than those who in rural areas.

First of all, education is more available in the cities than in the rural areas. Although government has already put increasing funds into the construction of education facilities and improvement of the soft power of education in rural areas, the difference of education level between the rural areas and the cities remains a huge gap. I have the best evidence to demonstrate the existence of such gap since I live in cities while some of my cousins live in rural areas. School in cities, such as my school – XX High School, have a relatively high percentage of professors while in rural areas, for example, my cousin’s school named QingHe High school, the teachers even don’t possess the teacher certification. Tremendous difference is also exhibited in the aspect of facilities. Schools in cities always have sophisticated machines and apparatus but those in rural areas, on the other hand, rarely have machines which may help teachers to deliver their ideas effectively, such as the projectors and big screens. Without question, education is the most significant factor to raise children, therefore, with better education condition, people in cities can take better care of the children in their families.

Another equally paramount reason is that medical systems in cities are more advanced and sophisticated than those in rural areas.For instance, according to the Chinese Medicine Magazine, the percentage of grade-one hospitals in the cities is 30 percent while in rural cities, the percentage is close to zero. Moreover, about 93.2 percent of the most sophisticated medical machines are concentrated in cities, leaving the medical condition in rural areas harsh and inconvenient. Health issues are so essential to the whole family, regardless of the age and gender, that after taking this factor into consideration, I reinforce that people in cities can take better care of their families.

Even so, facing the facts mentioned above, some may claim that such comparison and claimed superiority are discriminated classification that separate cities and rural areas unfairly. Such assertion, however, ignores the notion that facing the truth makes the whole society keep moving forward,including narrow down the gap between the development levels in cities and in rural areas. The comparison is objective, which we must face rather than escape or distort it. Moreover, only we admit the existence of such gap of life styles can we handle with gap better and help the rural people take better care of their families.

To sum up, no matter in terms of the education level or of the medical system, people in cities have more ways and are more convenient to take care of their families, which is why governments need to pay more attention and do more efforts to narrow the gap. Furthermore, only facing such comparison and difference objectively and admitting that people in cities can take better care of their families than the rural people, can the rural areas develop better. Therefore, I insist on the idea that people who live in cities can take better care of their families than those who live in rural areas.

=====

写了40分钟，不好，总是顾虑（想着要给大家看，不好意思写不好）+检查了5分钟~

作者: miss绿光 时间: 2012-4-14 12:01
标题: 0413 综合 TPO9
第二篇综合~还是会有很多不完善的地方，辛苦给我改的人啦~
TPO9-17mins
The issue around fuel-cell engines and internal-combustion engines has been discussed. While the author asserts that fuel-cell engines take advantage of the internal-combustion engines, the professor points out that the author is way too positive towards the issue.

In the first place, the passage asserts that the internal-combustion engine relies on petroleum, which is limited resource and that hydrogen can be obtained from a variety of abundant sources.Therefore, fuel-cell engines can utilize resources more efficiently. It ignores the reality, however, that hydrogen is not as easily to acquire as the author claims. In fact, hydrogen resources are not such available. For example, the water cannot be directly used and acquiring the pure liquid, which is needed to generate the hydrogen, is so artificial that it is difficult to produce and store the hydrogen. On the other hand, the temperature needed to produce hydrogen is very cold, around 253 centi-degree below zero. Therefore, it is neither practical nor easy to obtain such hydrogen sources.

Subsequently, the author claims that hydrogen-based full cells can solve many pollution problems for the only byproduct of burning them is water. Thoroughly opposed to the assertion, the professor emphasizes that it is not burning hydrogen but the process which generate usable hydrogen that exerts pollutions very heavily. Because hydrogen is stored in the extremely cold environment, it needs lots of energy, which is acquired by burning large amount of oil and coal, to be utilized and thereby it pollutes the environment. Thus, hydrogen-based full cells cannot solve the pollution problem but generate pollutions.

At last, according to the passage, it is put forward that because of the high efficiency in full-cell automobile, it is more economically competitive compared with the internal-combustion powered vehicles. In the case, however, the professor disapproves again. The full-cell engines are made of rare expensive metals and the hydrogen is utilized by electricity, leading the fact that full-cell engines are not cheaper so far than the internal-combustion engines.

To sum up, the professor criticizes that conclusion claimed by the author to a great extent.

作者: Suri在奋斗 时间: 2012-4-14 18:39
很好很好，亲爱的真棒~~！！

作者: 婷婷connie 时间: 2012-4-14 19:18
好的，绿光，我这回独立和综合都是改你的哦，别着急，今天晚上熬夜都要给你改完~
4.12独立改文

第一遍改的绿光的文

呵呵，没事，我也是这样的，要检查了再贴出来~

Agree or disagree? Compared with people who live in cities, people who live in rural areas can take better care of their families.

That might seem the trend to enter cities from the rural areas has never stopped, making the cities seemingly more advanced than the rural areas. There is somebody outside, meanwhile, claims that the trend(用tendency替换)must be explained other than such theory because they believe that living in different places doesn’t （dose not）lead them to different life status. From my perspective, however, people who live in rural areas（cities一定不能犯这样的错，容易让人搞不明白你表达的观点） can take better care of their families than those who in rural areas.

First of all, education is more available in the cities than in the rural areas. Although government has already put increasing funds into the construction of education facilities and improvement of the soft power of education in rural areas, the difference of education level between the rural areas and the cities remains a huge gap. I have the best evidence to demonstrate the existence of such gap since I live in cities while some of my cousins live in rural areas. School in cities, such as my school – XX High School, have a relatively high percentage of professors while in rural areas, for example, my cousin’s school named QingHe High school, the teachers even don’t possess the teacher certification. Tremendous difference（用different替换） is also exhibited in the aspect of facilities. Schools in cities always have sophisticated machines and apparatus but those in rural areas, on the other hand, rarely have machines which may help teachers to deliver their ideas effectively, such as the projectors and big screens. Without question, education is the most significant factor to raise children, （这里用句号比较好，语意已经完整）therefore, with better 上段显得有点多，建议语言精练些
Another equally paramount reason is that medical systems in cities are more advanced and sophisticated than those in rural areas.For instance, according to the Chinese Medicine Magazine, the percentage of grade-one hospitals in the cities is 30 percent while in rural cities, the percentage is close to zero. Moreover, about 93.2 percent of the most sophisticated medical machines are concentrated in cities, leaving the medical condition in rural areas harsh and inconvenient. Health issues are so essential to the whole family, regardless of the age and gender,（删掉） that after （删掉）taking this factor into consideration, I reinforce that people in cities can take better care of their families.

Even so, facing the facts mentioned above, some may claim that such comparison and claimed superiority are discriminated classification that separate cities and rural areas unfairly. Such assertion, however, ignores the notion that facing the truth makes the whole society keep moving forward,including narrow down the gap between the development levels in cities and in rural areas. The comparison is objective, which we must face rather than escape or distort it. Moreover, only we admit the existence of such gap of life styles can we handle with gap better and help the rural people take better care of their families.（这一段感觉有点偏，可以写农村生活也有好的地方，但是城市生活从另一个角度来说，能更好~)

To sum up, no matter in terms of the education level or of the medical system, people in cities have more ways and are more convenient to take care of their families, which is why governments need to pay more attention and do more efforts to narrow the gap. Furthermore, only facing such comparison and difference objectively and admitting that people in cities can take better care of their families than the rural people, can the rural areas develop better. Therefore, I insist on the idea that people who live in cities can take better care of their families than those who live in rural areas.（这一段more用多了，从不同角度去避免，比如用最高级或者no better than这样的用法）
Conclusion：很流畅，语法错误很少，但还要注意控制一下字数

作者: gre呀gre 时间: 2012-4-14 22:11
亲~我用电脑打不开论坛了，只能明天回家再发作文了，真不好意思了，麻烦你明天再帮我改好吗？

作者: miss绿光 时间: 2012-4-14 22:40

好的，绿光，我这回独立和综合都是改你的哦，别着急，今天晚上熬夜都要给你改完~

-- by 会员婷婷connie (2012/4/14 19:18:10)

婷婷亲，不要着急~~保证休息最重要！！

作者: miss绿光 时间: 2012-4-14 22:41

亲~我用电脑打不开论坛了，只能明天回家再发作文了，真不好意思了，麻烦你明天再帮我改好吗？

-- by 会员 gre呀gre (2012/4/14 22:11:03)

必须行啊~亲爱的GRE^^

作者: miss绿光 时间: 2012-4-14 22:41

很好很好，亲爱的真棒~~！！

-- by 会员 Suri在奋斗 (2012/4/14 18:39:11)

难道Suri看我的作文了？也给点意见啦~~~

作者: miss绿光 时间: 2012-4-14 23:37
标题: 0414 TPO10

The bone of contention is around the cause of the sea otters' population decline. The passage is inclined to the account that the decline is attributed to the pollution hypothesis.Opposed thoroughly, however, the professor emphasizes that the predators' attack is the main cause.

Subsequently, the passage mentions that the decline affects other sea mammals as well rather than mere in the specific species, which can only be explained by the pollution hypothesis that it usually affects the entire ecosystem rather than a single species. The professor, however, stands on the opposite side in this case again. The professor claims that because the human's hunting, whales migrate to other places, leaving the predators to find other food sources and thereby only the smaller animals. Therefore, because of the changing diet of the whales' predators, the all small see animals are declined such as sea lions and sea otters.

At last, the author points out that the pollution can also account for the uneven pattern of the decline that the sea otters at locations where currents or other environmental factors may have created concentrations of pollutants decline more greatly than at locations without such possible effects. However, the professor put forward the evidence that can better account for the phenomenon. In fact, the decline depends on whether the location is accessible or not. If the location is accessible, the number of decline is great. On the other hand, if the location is not accessible, for example, the locations that sea otters could not live in such as shallow places, the sea otters didn't decline too much.

==============================

看了DAISY的我先自我检讨了…第一个观点和第三个观点都没有说清：第一个没有提：没有尸体是因为predator都吃了。第三个没写出predator的名字&也没有指出是accessible for predator。

好差劲…

作者: bechasing 时间: 2012-4-15 11:23

TO 婷婷：我写的是JJ，因为428就要考试啦~嘻嘻，麻烦你拉，可能还要再想看下我的观点切不切题什么的，我是觉得最后有点累赘和牵强了……辛苦你啦！！！！

-- by 会员 miss绿光 (2012/4/14 0:02:19)

用词拼写语法错误语句修改
~~That~~ It might seem that(最好别省) the trend to entering cities fromthe rural areas has never stopped, making the cities seemingly more advancedthan the rural areas. There is somebody outside, meanwhile, claims that thetrend must be explained other than such theory because they believe that livingin different places ~~doesn’t~~ doesnot lead them to different life status. From myperspective, however, people wholive in ~~rural areas~~ cities can take better care of their families thanthose who in rural areas.(亲，这个后果很严重啊，注意注意注意)

First of all, education is more available inthe cities than in the rural areas. Although government has already putincreasing funds into the construction of education facilities and improvementof the soft power of education in rural areas, the difference of educationlevel between the rural areas and the cities remains a huge gap. I have thebest evidence to demonstrate the existence of such gap since I live in citieswhile some of my cousins live in rural areas. School in cities, such as myschool – XX High School, have a relatively high percentage of ~~professors~~(高中木教授啊) famous teachers whilein rural areas, for example, my cousin’s school named QingHe High school, theteachers even ~~don’t~~ do not possess the teacher certification. Tremendous differenceis also exhibited in the aspect of facilities. Schools in cities always havesophisticated machines and apparatus such asthe projectors and big screens, which may help teachers to deliver their ideaseffectively. On the contrary, those schools in rural areas rarely have suchmachines due to the lack of enough money and teachers’ level. ~~(but those in rural areas, on the other hand, rarely havemachines which may help teachers to deliver their ideas effectively, such asthe projectors and big screens).~~Without question, education is the most significant factor to raise children,therefore, with better education condition, people in cities can take bettercare of the children in their families.

Another equally paramount reason is thatmedical systems in cities are more advanced and sophisticated than those inrural areas. For instance, according to the Chinese Medicine Magazine, thepercentage of grade-one hospitals in ~~the~~ cities is 30percent of the whole hospitals(什么的百分比？), while inrural areas, ~~cities~~ thepercentage is close to zero. Moreover, about 93.2 percent of the mostsophisticated medical machines are concentrated in cities, leaving the medicalcondition in rural areas harsh and inconvenient. Health issues are so essentialto the whole family, regardless of the age and gender, that ~~after~~ taking thisfactor into consideration, I reinforce that people in cities can take bettercare of their families.

Even so, facing the facts mentioned above, somepeople may claim that such comparison ~~and claimed superiority~~are discriminated classification that(that用的太多了，换换which之类的) which separates cities and rural areasunfairly. Such assertion, however, ignores the notion that facing the truth is needed to makes the wholesociety keep moving forward, including bridging / narrowing (down) the gap of development levels between ~~the development levels in~~ cities and inrural areas. Therefore we should face the rural urban dividerather than secape it. (~~Thecomparison is objective, which we must face rather than escape or distort it)~~. Moreover, only we admiting the existing~~ence of such~~ gap of life ~~styles~~ standards can we handlewith ~~gap~~ it better and help the rural people take better care of theirfamilies.

To sum up, no matter in terms of the educationlevel or of themedical system, people in cities have more ways ~~and are more convenient~~to take care of their families conveniently, which is why the governments needs to pay more attention and do more efforts to narrow thegap. Furthermore, only facing such ~~comparison and~~ difference objectively~~and admitting that people in cities can take better care of their familiesthan the rural people~~(多余重复), can the rural areas develop better. Therefore, I insiston the idea that people who live in cities can take better care of theirfamilies than those who live in rural areas.

作者: miss绿光 时间: 2012-4-15 11:26
谢谢bechasing…其实这个不是你给我改哇^^更加谢谢你啦~

作者: bechasing 时间: 2012-4-15 11:37
哈哈没有作文改手痒痒啦
个人意见绿光明鉴哈

作者: miss绿光 时间: 2012-4-15 11:38

哈哈没有作文改手痒痒啦
个人意见绿光明鉴哈

-- by 会员 bechasing (2012/4/15 11:37:07)

好得很好的很~我都在我的word里把你们给改的标出出来了^^甚是感动~~你什么时候考T呀~

作者: bechasing 时间: 2012-4-15 11:39

哈哈没有作文改手痒痒啦
个人意见绿光明鉴哈

-- by 会员 bechasing (2012/4/15 11:37:07)

好得很好的很~我都在我的word里把你们给改的标出出来了^^甚是感动~~你什么时候考T呀~

-- by 会员 miss绿光 (2012/4/15 11:38:01)

加油加油！
6月9号的呢然后7月奔G 亚历山大~~哈哈

作者: yiayia 时间: 2012-4-15 21:10
感谢绿光分享，作文真的非常需要练习。加油~~

作者: daisyの小夢想 时间: 2012-4-15 23:01
TPO10 综合

The bone of contention is around the cause of the sea otters' population decline. The passage is inclined to the account that the decline is attributed to the pollution ~~hypothesis~~. Opposed(opposed这里是动词还是形容词？我觉得应该用opposing) thoroughly, however, the professor emphasizes that the predators' attack is the main cause.

First of all, the author asserts that there were known sources of the pollution along the Alaskan coast, the exact place where the decline occurs. However, the professor disapproved that assertion to a thorough extent. The lecturer claims that the author's idea is weakened by the fact that there has no died sea otters on the beach, which is the signal of the pollution hypothesis. If the pollution contributes to the decline, it will kill many otters and leave their body, (这句用虚拟语气比较好，If the pollution contributed to the decline, there would have been dead bodies of otters that were poisoned by pollutants )which is conflicted with the fact. What's more, the pattern of the decline is consistent with the signal that it is attributed to predators.

Subsequently, the passage mentions that the decline affects other sea mammals as well rather than mere in the specific species, which can only be explained by the pollution~~hypothesis~~(factor)that it usually affects the entire ecosystem rather than a single species. The professor, however, stands on the opposite side in this case again. The professor claims that because the human's hunting, whales migrate to other places(这个细节我没听到，学习~), leaving the predators to find other food sources and thereby only the smaller animals. Therefore, because of the changing diet of the whales' predators, the all(all the) small see(sea) animals ~~are~~declined such as sea lions and sea otters(嗯嗯，把这个列举出来好).

At last, the author points out that the pollution can also account for the uneven pattern of the decline that the sea otters at locations where currents or other environmental factors may have created concentrations of pollutants decline more greatly than at locations without such possible effects(这句太长了，可以用连词链接，that改成since). However, the professor put forward the evidence that can better account for the phenomenon. In fact, the decline depends on whether the location is accessible or not. If the location is accessible, the number of decline is great. On the other hand, if the location is not accessible, for example, the locations that sea otters could not live in such as shallow places, the sea otters didn't decline too much.

作者: daisyの小夢想 时间: 2012-4-15 23:04

每次互改都很羡慕绿光能在那么短时间爆发出那么多字那么多复杂句。

作者: 婷婷connie 时间: 2012-4-15 23:05
求绿光拿砖拍我吧，迟迟才贴~
TPO9综合
The issue around fuel-cell engines and internal-combustion engines has been discussed. While the author asserts that fuel-cell engines take advantage of(over是不是好一些？) the internal-combustion engines, the professor points out that the author is way too positive towards the issue.

In the first place, the passage asserts（claims） that the internal-combustion engine relies on petroleum, which is limited resource and that hydrogen can be obtained from a variety of abundant sources.Therefore, fuel-cell engines can utilize resources more efficiently. It ignores the reality, however, that hydrogen is not as easily to acquire as the author claims. In fact, hydrogen resources are not such available. For example, the water cannot be directly used and acquiring the pure liquid (state这是我在别人文章看见的，单质液体状态), which is needed to generate the hydrogen, is so artificial that it is difficult to produce and store the hydrogen. On the other hand, the temperature needed to produce hydrogen is very cold, around 253 centi-degree（centigrade degree） below zero. Therefore, it is neither practical nor easy to obtain such hydrogen sources.
这一段阅读部分的内容说得太多了
Subsequently, the author claims that hydrogen-based full cells can solve many pollution problems for the only byproduct of burning them is water. Thoroughly opposed to the assertion, the professor emphasizes that it is not burning hydrogen but the process which generate usable hydrogen that exerts pollutions very heavily. Because hydrogen is stored in the extremely cold environment, it needs lots of energy, which is acquired by burning large amounts of oil and coal, to be utilized and thereby it pollutes the environment. Thus, hydrogen-based full cells cannot solve the pollution problem but generate(engender替换) pollutions.

At last, according to the passage, it is put forward that because of the high efficiency in full-cell automobile, it is more economically competitive compared with the internal-combustion powered vehicles. In the case, however, the professor disapproves again. The full-cell engines are made of rare expensive metals and the hydrogen is utilized by electricity, leading the fact that full-cell engines are not cheaper so far than the internal-combustion engines.

To sum up, the professor criticizes that conclusion claimed by the author to a great extent.

Conclusion:这样的文章不需要把阅读中的细节展开，并且不用结尾。

很流畅，字数也很多,几乎就没有错误，羡慕啊

不过要注意词汇的替换哦

作者: miss绿光 时间: 2012-4-15 23:24

每次互改都很羡慕绿光能在那么短时间爆发出那么多字那么多复杂句。

-- by 会员 daisyの小夢想 (2012/4/15 23:04:00)

羡慕死Daisy的流畅性了！那咱俩就乖乖互补！

作者: miss绿光 时间: 2012-4-15 23:28

求绿光拿砖拍我吧，迟迟才贴~
TPO9综合
The issue around fuel-cell engines and internal-combustion engines has been discussed. While the author asserts that fuel-cell engines take advantage of(over是不是好一些？) the internal-combustion engines, the professor points out that the author is way too positive towards the issue.

In the first place, the passage asserts（claims） that the internal-combustion engine relies on petroleum, which is limited resource and that hydrogen can be obtained from a variety of abundant sources.Therefore, fuel-cell engines can utilize resources more efficiently. It ignores the reality, however, that hydrogen is not as easily to acquire as the author claims. In fact, hydrogen resources are not such available. For example, the water cannot be directly used and acquiring the pure liquid (state这是我在别人文章看见的，单质液体状态), which is needed to generate the hydrogen, is so artificial that it is difficult to produce and store the hydrogen. On the other hand, the temperature needed to produce hydrogen is very cold, around 253 centi-degree（centigrade degree） below zero. Therefore, it is neither practical nor easy to obtain such hydrogen sources.
这一段阅读部分的内容说得太多了
Subsequently, the author claims that hydrogen-based full cells can solve many pollution problems for the only byproduct of burning them is water. Thoroughly opposed to the assertion, the professor emphasizes that it is not burning hydrogen but the process which generate usable hydrogen that exerts pollutions very heavily. Because hydrogen is stored in the extremely cold environment, it needs lots of energy, which is acquired by burning large amounts of oil and coal, to be utilized and thereby it pollutes the environment. Thus, hydrogen-based full cells cannot solve the pollution problem but generate(engender替换) pollutions.

At last, according to the passage, it is put forward that because of the high efficiency in full-cell automobile, it is more economically competitive compared with the internal-combustion powered vehicles. In the case, however, the professor disapproves again. The full-cell engines are made of rare expensive metals and the hydrogen is utilized by electricity, leading the fact that full-cell engines are not cheaper so far than the internal-combustion engines.

To sum up, the professor criticizes that conclusion claimed by the author to a great extent.

Conclusion:这样的文章不需要把阅读中的细节展开，并且不用结尾。

很流畅，字数也很多,几乎就没有错误，羡慕啊

不过要注意词汇的替换哦

-- by 会员婷婷connie (2012/4/15 23:05:39)

才不拍，感动的很！从婷婷那里学到不少同义替换呢^^以后会注意运用的~

作者: miss绿光 时间: 2012-4-16 18:59
Agree or disagree? There is never a reason to be rude/impolite to another person.
532字 – 按时写完实在是不好意思让你帮我挑低级的拼写错误，我就在粘贴到word里面的时候自己标出来啦~
Human is the most advanced and sophisticated kind of animal that human have plenty of unique characteristics different from the other animals, such as mental activities and behavior manners. Based on some conservative notions, a person should be polite to another person no matter under what circumstances because politeness serves as the most significant component in the moral virtues. From my perspective,however, I completely disapprove such unfair judgment; people can be rude to others in certain situations.

First of all, even the ~~most tender~~ tenderest person cannot be always polite due to the complex humanity. People's feelings and reactions are determined by the environment they stayed. It is totally reasonable that by receiving the negative or provocative stimulus continuously,the person who behaves nicely in the normal days can be rage and lose control.For example, the Premier Wen in China, who is famous for his tenderness and for his politeness all the time, even shouted at the ~~soliders~~ soldiers who are not doing their utmost during the rescue of WinChuan Earthquake. He used to be gentle; however, in that case,when thousands of lives are in tremendous danger and when there are soldiers not making efforts to save people's life, he became angry and yelled to those soldiers, mandating them to spare no pains. Therefore, no one, even the most polite person, cannot remain the way he or she usually is under certain situations.

In addition, if a person, who always ~~enrage~~ enrages others, never receives such rudeness, the person won't recognize the fault he or she make definitely and thereby will hurt more people. That's exactly why some children are spoiled. My 6-years old cousin,for instance, used to grab anything she wanted from our hands, no matter the objects she grabbed are useful to her or not. She just wanted to deprive what you had and owned herself. Such naughty was she, though, her parents remained kind to her and never shouted at or blamed on her. With time passing, she became a girl whom everyone wants to keep away from. Facing such unpromising growth of a child, I would love to stress on the claim again that there has some reason to be impolite to another person, at least for the children's sake to grow up better.

Admittedly, based on all the facts mentioned above that are already convincing, some may assert that being impolite doesn't match moral virtues especially that have been already inherited generation to generation. Such assertion, however, ignores the significant aspect that the virtues should never be realized by hurting people’s heart without compensation to them. Moreover, it also violates the ~~philosopical~~ philosophical theory that nothing can be defined to a extreme because every idea has the exception where the idea cannot be applied. To be polite in any circumstance is too extreme to hold and politeness should be limited to certain situations.

To sum up, virtues are indeed important, however, their realization should not cost on others' ~~mysery~~ misery. Furthermore,always being polite can spoil the people whom you contact to and it is impossible for any person to be gentle forever. Therefore, I insist on my idea that there has reason to be rude to others under certain circumstances.

作者: jiaosisisisi 时间: 2012-4-17 01:02
我会第一时间帮你改的，我也大致中午之前可以给你submit 我的作文！～～～

作者: Crystaljoy 时间: 2012-4-17 11:10
绿光棒棒！
在30分钟写出这么500+洋洋洒洒的一篇流畅文，还基本没什么错误！！！

钦佩！！！

作者: jiaosisisisi 时间: 2012-4-17 13:17

Agree or disagree? There is never a reason to be rude/impolite to another person.
532字 – 按时写完实在是不好意思让你帮我挑低级的拼写错误，我就在粘贴到word里面的时候自己标出来啦~

Human is the most advanced and sophisticated kind of animal that has plenty of unique characteristics different from the (the 去掉其实更好些吧，没必要特指吧)other animals, such as mental activities and behavior manners. Based on some conservative notions, a person should be polite to another person no matter under what circumstances because politeness serves as the most significant component in the moral virtues. From my perspective,however, I completely disapprove （一般disapprove/approve后面加上of比较多吧）such unfair judgment; people can be rude to others in certain situations.

First of all, even the ~~most tender~~tenderestperson cannot be always polite due to the complex humanity. People's feelings and reactions are determined by the environment they stayed（通篇现在时态，改成stay好一些吧，因为你在描述一些普适性的道理）. It is totally reasonable that by receiving the（其实我也不是非常清楚什么时候the的使用场所，但是凭语感，这里的the 可以去掉，不过只是建议，你还是自己多斟酌下吧，） negative or provocative stimulus continuously, the person who behaves nicely in the normal days can be rage （furious比较好吧，这里需要一个形容词）and lose control.For example, the Premier Wen in China, who is famous for his tenderness and for his politeness all the time, even shouted at the ~~soliders~~soldiers who are not doing their utmost during the rescue of WinChuan Earthquake. He used to be gentle; however, in that case,when thousands of lives are in tremendous danger and when there are soldiers not making efforts to save people's life, he became angry and yelled to those soldiers, mandating them to spare no pains. Therefore, no one, even the most polite person, cannot remain the way he or she usually is under certain situations.

In addition, if a person, who always~~enrage~~enrages others, never receives such rudeness, the person won't recognize the fault he or she make（单三，全文比较流畅，我只能鸡蛋里面挑骨头了啊。。。。。）definitely and thereby will hurt more people. That's exactly why some children are spoiled. My 6-years old cousin,for instance, used to grab anything she wanted from our hands, no matter the objects she grabbed are useful to her or not. She just wanted to deprive what you had and owned herself. Such naughty was she, though, her parents remained kind to her and never shouted at or blamed on her. With time passing, she became a girl whom everyone wants to keep away from. Facing such unpromising growth of a child, I would love to stress on the claim again that there has some reason to be impolite to another person, at least for the children's sake to grow up better.

Admittedly, based on all the facts mentioned above that are already convincing（不知道你这是不是模板，反正我用过这句原话。这句话的出镜率太高了，你可以变动地unique一些会更好点。。。。。。。）,some may assert that being impolite doesn't match moral virtues especially that have been already inherited generation to generation. Such assertion, however, ignores the significant aspect that the virtues should never be realized by hurting people’s heart without compensation to them. Moreover, it also violates the ~~philosopical~~philosophicaltheory that nothing can be defined to a extreme because every idea has the exception where the idea cannot be appliedto（适应性的时候，貌似apply to 比较多）. To be polite in any circumstance is too extreme to hold and politeness should be limited to certain situations.

To sum up, virtues are indeed important, however, their realization should not cost on others' ~~mysery~~misery. Furthermore,always being polite can spoil the people whom you contact to and it is impossible for any person to be gentle forever. Therefore, I insist on my idea that there has reason to be rude to others under certain circumstances.

全文很流畅，流畅，畅。。。。。。

改得不合适的地方，请你偷偷又改回来吧～～～

受教了～～～祝顺利crack TOEFL

作者: miss绿光 时间: 2012-4-17 15:56
再看大家改的有感：
Daisy改的真的每一个都切中要害！我句子虽然长，但是很晦涩，因为我总是一句话说不清楚所以就嵌套从句…将超长的that改为用since链接，逻辑和感觉上都更好了呢！羡慕Daisy能听出orca这种词汇啊！我发现自己对综合的听力部分还是记得不好。就如同口语的task6一样，啊啊啊啊！还有，migrate to other places我写错了，应该只是disappear，我自己主观推理了！
婷婷改的也很认真，好多细小的错误都在绿光这里出现了><，还帮我想到了替换词！感动！
Music也发现了我一大毛病：the和that滥用，一写起来就分不清啥时候加啥时候不加啊！特指非特指，mark住!还有让步段，那不是模板哇~我居然写出模板了？OH NO!谢谢你啊，我还觉得哪句不错呢，原来那么高频啊，果断不能用啦！
===============
鸟儿谬赞，我就是字数多，其实流畅性和逻辑性很不好。。。。

作者: miss绿光 时间: 2012-4-20 18:11

20110115NA机经（我写的是机经内容~，麻烦啦^^）从写字板粘贴到word的时候把拼写错误的标出来啦~

Some people think that a university professor should focus time on doing research; while others think that the main role of a professor is to educate students in a university. What's your opionion and why？

Education remains the role of contention permanently in that education serves as the most important role in the future development of children,who have the potential power to drive the growth of the world. In terms of the education in university, it is without doubt that professors contribute to it to a great extent while it is undecided whether the professor should concentrate on doing research or education students. From my point of view, I am on the side of the former statement utterly.

First of all, the research with which professors handle can provide the lastest information for students and thereby improve their academic ability. It is acceptable that the technology updates so rapidly that knowledge students obtain in universities always lag a lot. Professor Zhang, who is a famous professor not only in my university but also around the country in the biology science, once published an essay about the DNA on The Science. After that, the students in the biology college raised a lecture and invited professor Zhang to introduce the lastest theory about DNA to them. From the lecture, those students benefit a lot by learning more information about DNA which makes them more knowledgeable and thereby more competitive. Therefore, professors in universities should be inclined to do researches rather than educate students.

Based on all the evidence mentioned above, which is convincing and can integrate to become more persuasive, I insist that only when professors focus time on doing research can universities raise their reputation and students become more competitive.

作者: 探险者 时间: 2012-4-20 21:06
标题: BY 探险者
作文修改可能发的稍晚一些，不好意思啊

作者: 探险者 时间: 2012-4-20 22:45
标题: by 探险者作文修改
问一下，现在的机经都怎么得到的，好像小马都收费了？不知道有没有5.20的机经，麻烦传一份啊，谢谢了
这是这次作文的修改

黄色为亮点，红色为修改建议
Education remains the role of contention permanently in that education serves as the most important role in the future development of children, who have the potential power to drive the growth of the world. In terms of the education in university, it is without doubt（undoubtedly更好） that professors contribute to it to a great extent while it is undecided whether the professor should concentrate on doing research or education students（educating students）. From my point of view, I am on the side of the former statement utterly.

First of all, the research with which professors handle（handle做及物动词有解决，处理的意思，因此觉得这个with没有必要） can provide the lastest （latest）information for students and thereby improve（improving，thereby后面是名词或者动名词） their academic ability. It is acceptable that the technology updates so rapidly that knowledge students obtain in universities always lag（延迟，好词） a lot. Professor Zhang, who is a famous professor not only in my university but also around the country in the biology science, once published an essay about the DNA on The Science. After that, the（这个冠词是没必要的，可以删去）students in the biology college raised a lecture and invited professor Zhang to introduce the lastest theory about DNA to them. From the lecture, those students benefit a lot by learning more information about DNA，which（我觉得这个which的指代不是很明确，可以变成非限制性定语从句，指学生学习这件事可以使他们怎么样；如果是指information，应该也可以） makes them more knowledgeable， and thereby（hence，这里用hence更合适，还是thereby的用法问题，楼主可以在词典中查一下，看看例句是怎么用的） more competitive. Therefore, professors in universities should be inclined to do researches rather than educate students.这一段论述的很好，前后的衔接包括举例子也不错。看到很多长的例子都写成流水账，楼主的这个说的很清晰啊。

Another equivalently essential point is that professors' research may boost the reputation of universities, which benefits both students and universities themselves. Tshinghua University, a university famous for its academic status in China, possesses abundant outstanding researches（这个说成research projects是不是更好） held by professors in Tshinghua（Tsinghua） University. Through those eminent achievements, Tshinghua（Tsinghua） University gets an extremely high reputation among all universities in China. Furthermore, when my colleagues and I consulted staff from different universities about the（这个the多余，删去） all kinds information to decide which university I would like to enter（这一句后面有些啰嗦，建议改为about what information propmote them to make the final decision）, we all regard the academic achievements as the dominant factor. As soon as we got the idea that the specific university has many professors who are adept to conduct researches, we were impressed by that university. Therefore, for the sake of(用的太好了，for the sake of本身有为了提高或in order to bring advantage to的意思) the universities’ reputation, professors are supposed to focus on doing researches.

Admittedly, some opponents may claim that more attention to the research will definitely decrease（s） the quality of teaching which is connected directly(副词的位置是行为动词前，be动词后，所以directly用在is的后面) to the students（如果这一句换成下面的表达方法，觉得更简洁：Admittedly， considering the quality of teaching which is directly connected to students, some opponents may claim that more attention to the research may do harm to that）. This claim, however, ignores the fact that teachers are those people（这里those可以直接指代those teachers或者those people，因此这个people是多余的） who have most（替换成closed觉得更好，显得二者联系更紧密） connection with students normally. What's more, the researches（用the research是常用的表达方法） can also benefit the teachers and trigger them to be more knowledgeable, contributing to improvements of students. Therefore, the most ideal way is that professors do researches and spread those to teachers（是不是professor和teacher在这里有所不同，这点不太理解，如果是老师之间的传播，可以用spread to others）; and subsequently, the ideas（opinions，这个可以多进行替换） will be delivered to students.

Based on all the evidence mentioned above, which is convincing and can integrate to become more persuasive, I insist that only when professors focus time（用more time体现出比较的含义，从而显示出对自己观点的倾向） on doing research can universities raise their reputation and students become more competitive.

1.觉得绿光大大的文章写得还是挺好的，每一段的观点都很清晰，而且都很有条理的论证。我觉得作文必须切合评分标准的前提下再去对语言进行增色，而你的这些做的很好。最后一个观点的最后一句不是太理解，在文中标出了

2.你的文章出现了一些语法错误，一些是比较基本的，这个应当引起注意，因为这是评分中比较看重的，我第一次的作文，独立是good，但也指出了grammar和articulate（表达清晰）的问题，说明这很重要。一个常见的问题是定冠词the的使用，包括在students前的使用。

这一点给个例子，来自新东方戴云老师的作文网络课堂

People working in big company are supposed to be able to use computer.

两个语法错误：company，这样单独用前面要有冠词，而且是必须有，所以是a/the company，如果是复数，不需要冠词，直接companies；后面的computer是同样的问题，改为computers或者a/the computer

There is an evidence that advertising profoundly affects human being the world over.

Evidence不可数，an去掉，不能加不定冠词

3.关于词语和句子的增色，这个不需要刻意的做。在每次写完后，可以在别人修改的基础上自己再修改。对于词语，可以多样化，比如名词和形容词的转化，important和of great importance；同义词表达，同义词组；important，fundamental，matter（v.）;在形容词前加一个副词，remarkably high，在名词前加形容词，这样语言就多彩了。

4.句子觉得多用些新句式，比如你自己用的那个subsequently，blabla是个状语前置，这个多用，挺好的。有时候对自己的观点适当的使用强调句可能比单纯的therefore进行段尾的总结更好，而且更自然。

作者: miss绿光 时间: 2012-4-20 22:52
别不好意思！！来给我改的都爱死你们了！不着急的！

作者: miss绿光 时间: 2012-5-4 18:42
才几天不写就已经退步成这样了...论点混乱,语言冗余...狠拍吧亲^^

10.8.28 NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The main purpose for people who have jobs is for money rather than social status.

We pay efforts and subsequently, money and social status come into our hands, raising the discussion that which is our intention for having jobs? Granted, we are prone to manage nothing without money, but definitely, social status counts more in our hearts.

First of all, we live to gain self-actualization, including social status. According to the Maslow's Hierarchy Need Model, physiological needs lie down on the bottom; on the other hand, self-actualization occupies the top. Analogous to this model, money and social status, both of which we gained in jobs, are ordered differently. We acquire money to satisfy the physiological needs,namely food and clothes, whereas we obtain social status to realize ourselves,which is on the top of the need pyramid. Self-actualization includes the respect from others, revealing the fact that the most possible motivation to work is social status rather than the money.

Additionally, money doesn't matter vitally to us. Those famous and rich people do donations every year. If they work for money merely, why do they make such great amount of donation? Bill Gates donated 1.6 billion dollars to control malaria in Mozambique and more than 2 billion to reform the local education system. Another businessman, LiJiacheng, the most wealthy person in China, donated 1 billion to build fund project for students from quake-hit areas. They offer money they earned in their jobs to charity, showing that money cannot serve as the initiative to work. By donating, they lose their money while raise their social status. On that note, money doesn't matter as vitally as social status.

Admittedly, some opponents may argue that the direct intention for work is to earn money. However, the direct intention always doesn't function as the real motivation. In fact, money is just a means of living, the more important is to achieve ourselves, including receive others' respect and obtain higher social status. Therefore, the real motivation for us to have jobs, is to possess social status rather than to make money merely.

作者: sang824 时间: 2012-5-5 12:49

First of all, we live to gain self-actualization, including social status. According to the Maslow's Hierarchy Need Model, (好高级的例子吖)physiological needs lie down on the bottom; on the other hand, self-actualization occupies the top. Analogous to this model, money and social status, both of which we gained in jobs, are ordered differently. We acquire money to satisfy the physiological needs,namely food and clothes, whereas we obtain social status to realize ourselves,which is on the top of the need pyramid（感觉which在这里怪怪的，改成just as the top of the need pyramid illustrates会不会好点）. Self-actualization includes the(没有特指,建议删除) respect from others,revealing the fact that the most possible motivation to work is social status rather than the money.(感觉这句话逻辑有点混乱，自我实现包括他人尊重，揭示了社会地位比钱更重要显得好突兀。建议修改Self-actualization,a core attainment of work, reflects the physiological needs such as respect from others,revealing the fact the...)

Additionally, money doesn't matter vitally to us. Those famous and rich people do donations every year. If they work for money merely, why do they make such great amount of donation? Bill Gates(好例子) donated 1.6 billion dollars to control malaria in Mozambique and more than 2 billion to reform the local education system. Another businessman, LiJiacheng(好例子), the most wealthy person in China, donated 1 billion to build fund project for students from quake-hit areas. They offer money they(感觉累赘，建议删除) earned in their jobs to charity, showing that money cannot serve as the initiative to work. By donating, they lose their money while raise their social status. On that note, money doesn't matter as vitally as social status.

Admittedly, some opponents may argue that the direct intention for work is to earn money. However, the direct intention always doesn't function as the real motivation. In fact, money is just a means of living, the more important is to achieve ourselves（文章多次出现achieve ourselves,可以适当用self-realization相应替换）, including receive others' respect and obtain higher social status. Therefore, the real motivation for us to have jobs, is to possess social status rather than to make money merely.

第三个观点会不会和第一个观点有点重复，还是在重复自我实现。可以写钱尽管重要，但是没有钱也能赢得尊重.blabla

To sum up, we work to achieve ourselves, that is, to gain social status. What's more, if everyone has job only to make money, how can the society go forward? By making efforts to achieve ourselves, we conduct things that benefit not only ourselves, but also others and even the whole world.

personal opinion:
总体觉得绿光的文章简洁，表达流畅，观点清晰
第一个观点例子好高端吖嘿嘿。第二个观点例证充分。
不足之处是文章不足400字，我觉得最后一段让步的时候可以再展开一点点钱是很重要..比如blabla,但是我还是认可social statue

第一次修改，不足之处多包涵嘿嘿。

期待绿光428的好消息，加油！

作者: miss绿光 时间: 2012-5-5 18:03
@sang的建议都十分十分中肯!
the的乱加毛病我一直都有...!!!!
还有句子有时候长了就逻辑混乱..
thx a lot!!!

作者: CCcarol 时间: 2012-9-1 23:05
我来拜读！！！

作者: abjure 时间: 2012-11-8 20:29
绿光的大作贴。

作者: 超级无敌小鹤鹤 时间: 2012-11-12 08:22
== 这都挖出来了。。。。

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