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标题: 【写作小分队】stones4···超越每天的自己···· [打印本页]
作者: stones4 时间: 2012-4-2 16:09
标题: 【写作小分队】stones4···超越每天的自己····
憋出来的一篇。请狠拍
作者: stones4 时间: 2012-4-2 16:10
When I was a fresh, going to the library is my daily work. Invariably, I chose to select the books which connect with my majors for I wanted to make the full use of my time to study my academic subject and became professional. Practically I tried to bring up hobbies that similar to my work. Unfortunately, there is no efficiency when I read. It's easy to imagine that after the entire day's work, how nausea for me to do the same things in my spare time. So personally I strongly maintain that it's better to do something that totally different with your work.
Owning to the giant leap to the social development, when it comes to work, the first word reveal to my mind is pressure. Toil, funk and sentiment are all the elements are all follow the pressure, the existence of pressure essentially has bad influence to our work. So how to release these pressure for the sake of superior efficiency work. There is no denying that if we try something new which nothing to do with our jobs would be a good way to relax ourselves. According to the survey, those who fond of hiking and outside activities, most of them are white collar workers that generally stay away from the nature. They just type and type everyday, handle with document and 24 hours free for their bosses. Wise as they are to participate in these sorts of activities.
Matthew Emmons, the world championship of gunnery meeting. He was downright brilliant in the past few years, and famous for the two-time runner-up in the 2004 and 2008 Olympics. Nevertheless, his major is accounting. This is ample to prove that cultivate a hobby which distinct from your day job sometimes can be an astonishment. Other people like Bill Gates who majored in law and Mark Elliot Zuckerburg who majored in psychology both of them continue their hobbies computer programme and magnify this bent. Now, the world is enjoying their achievement.
Accounting is also my major so I deal with number all the time. Exerting all my efforts to assort the accounts seems to be the only stuff I have to worry. Notwithstanding I spend a lot of time reading comics and producing animations. In fact, the basis ofknowledge is the same, and no matter what you've learned you can earn the worth experience and widen your vision. Taking some time to relax with hobbies virtually makes you equipped with a certain amount of basic knowledge, which resembles a map, you will definitely steer clear the obstacles barring on your journey. More over you arm with yourself some insightful views over the whole subject and much rewarding experience in overcoming difficulties of the subject.
In short, try something different to enjoy does not bother your work. On the contrary, it brings more evangel to pursue the the worthiest goals, goals that contribute to the betterment of your life, and goals that suit your personal satisfaction.
作者: stones4 时间: 2012-4-2 16:11
哦，这是4.2 的NA
作者: 晨依Jacqueline 时间: 2012-4-2 17:28
欢迎新成员stones4~~一起加油
作者: 夏雨霏霏 时间: 2012-4-3 20:44
When I was a fresh, going to the library is(was) my daily work. Invariably, I chose to select（重复了，selected）the books which connected with my majors for I wanted to make the full use of my time to study my academic subject and became professional. Practically I tried to bring up hobbies that were similar to my work. Unfortunately, there is（如果还是大一的事，那就还是was） no efficiency when I read. It's easy to imagine that after the entire day's work, how nausea for me to do the same things in my spare time. So personally I strongly maintain that it's better to do something that totally different with your work.
Owning to the giant leap to the social development, when it comes to work, the first word reveal to my mind is pressure. Toil, funk and sentiment are all the elements are all follow the pressure,(that follow the pressure,elements 改feeling 吧) the existence of pressure essentially has bad influence to（on） our work（这句不顺啊，以上三个情感随压力而来，压力对工作有不好影响。。。。）. So how to release these pressure for the sake of superior efficiency work. There is no denying that if we try something new which nothing to do with our jobs would be a good way to relax ourselves. According to the survey, those who fond of hiking and outside activities, most of them (重复了删吧，在those 前加一个most of those)are white collar workers that(人一般都是who)generally stay away from the nature. They just type and type(keep typing我觉得更好) everyday, handle with document and （are）24 hours free for their bosses. Wise as they are to participate in these sorts of activities.
Matthew Emmons, the world championship of gunnery meeting. He was downright brilliant in the past few years, and famous for the two-time runner-up in the 2004 and 2008 Olympics. Nevertheless, his major is accounting. This is ample to prove that cultivate a hobby which distinct from your day job sometimes can be an astonishment. Other people like Bill Gates who majored in law and Mark Elliot Zuckerburg who majored in psychology both of them continue their hobbies computer programme and magnify this bent(这句明显两个主语). Now, the world is enjoying their achievement.
Accounting is also my major so I deal with number all the time. Exerting all my efforts to assort the accounts seems to be the only stuff I have to worry. Notwithstanding I spend a lot of time reading comics and producing animations. In fact, the basis ofknowledge is the same, and no matter what you've learned you can earn the worth experience and widen your vision. Taking some time to relax with hobbies virtually makes you equipped with a certain amount of basic knowledge, which resembles a map, you will definitely steer clear the obstacles barring on your journey. More over you arm with yourself some insightful views over the whole subject and much rewarding experience in overcoming difficulties of the subject.
In short, try something different to enjoy does not bother your work. On the contrary, it brings more evangel to pursue the the worthiest goals, goals that contribute to the betterment of your life and that suit your personal satisfaction.
Stone同学，作文里经常忘动词啊，有的句子有两个主语的现象啊，注意语法啊，建议句子衔接，句意写的再顺一点
同为accounting ,加油啦
作者: stones4 时间: 2012-4-3 22:09
4月3日
110617NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People can achieve happiness if they make others happy.
The smiles of my parents' and my girlfriend's are the most precious gifts that I have ever had in my life. I love them so much, the more glad they are, the happier I am. The origin of happiness can depict as a feeling transport. We spread our love and care to make others happy, in return, via others' emotions we receive the happiness. That is to say, we can earn happiness if we make others happy.
There are many super heroes, like Superman, batman and spider man. They tackle with the crimes everyday and all the issues are matters of life and death. Then, why do they do that? It's conceivable that they can't get any reward, so on no account should they do that. In the first place, personally I maintain, there's no denying that it's crucial to fulfill oneself. The question is how? Practically, the basis of self-fuifill-ment is to be joy and tranquil. Extraordinary as our heroes are, the innermost part of the souls is as equal as the commons'. As a result, they save people. Finally, when the survivors escape from death the emotions of peace and rejoice produce which play as a reward that transport to the heroes. Heroes obtain these rewards, so they would be happy and peaceful.
Apart from the super heroes in the comic, we all take roles as donators too. Whether you are student or teacher, a banker or cleaner, nabob or beggar, we share the things everyday. Student helps the teacher do assistant work and teacher impair knowledge to the student. Both of them are happy for they exchange the positive emotion from each other that make themselves joyful. The simplest example is that, if someone smiles at you, without doubt, you will smile back. However, what if someone shouts at you? Think about are we react to the different emotions. Generally, the sentiment of others' profoundly impact on us enable to make our mood fluctuation fiercely. It's easy to imagine the awful feeling after you quarrel with your girlfriend or boyfriend. Those are who closely related to you, so you are compelled to accept their moods even worst one. In the same way, you are contented if they go into rapture. As I concerned, emotion can transport thus no happiness can you gain unless you make others happy.
My favorite hobby is preparing surprises. That is the reason why I have more passion for my friends' birthdays compared with mine. Even if there's a startle, I still want to bring it to others and let they feel the day is different. Since I had pocket money, I have seldom spent for myself. For me, the most interesting thing is to see how different phiz will people have when I create the astonishment. In fact, nothing is more attractive than this can make me happy. A few months ago, a telecontrol helicopter was chosen as a gift for my girl's birthday. On that big day, I told her the signal was so bad that I couldn't listen, so she came to the living room and opened the windows. Suddenly, a toy helicopter revealed in front of her, with a ring beneath it attached by a string. I can never forget her shriek, and the next sweet kiss.
An investigation demonstrates that 80% of people fully notice the attitude from others. I cannot emphasize the vitality of the emotion transport and reception too much. Meanwhile, I strongly advocate that it's a splendid idea to get into the habit of giving others happiness. If we do utmost to do that, consequently, the happier we are.
作者: 晨依Jacqueline 时间: 2012-4-4 10:28
4月3日独立修改
红色为错误，蓝色为疑惑or建议，高亮为精彩，最后的conclusion是个人观点请斟酌。
The smiles of my parents' and my girlfriend's are the most precious gifts that I have ever had in my life. I love them so much, the more glad（gladder？） they are, the happier I am. The origin of happiness can depict as a feeling transport. We spread our love and care to make others happy, in return, via others' emotions we receive the happiness. That is to say, we can earn happiness if we make others happy.
(建议加一个topic sentence~)There are many super heroes, like Superman, batman and spider man. They tackle with the crimes everyday and all the issues are matters of life and death. Then, why do they do that? It's conceivable that they can't get any reward, so on no account should they do that. In the first place, personally I maintain, there's no denying that it's crucial to fulfill oneself. The question is how? Practically, the basis of self-fulfillment is to be joy and tranquil. Extraordinary as our heroes are, the innermost part of the souls is as equal as the commons'. As a result, they save people. Finally, when the survivors escape from death the emotions of peace and rejoice produce which play as a reward that transport to the heroes. Heroes obtain these rewards, so they would be happy and peaceful.
Apart from the super heroes in the comic, we all take roles as donators(根据你后面的内容我认为说giver更为合适) too. Whether you are (+a)student or teacher, a banker or cleaner, nabob or beggar, we share the things(这里特指什么？) everyday. Student helps the teacher do assistant work(建议Students assist teachers with their work) and teacher impair(注意单复数和动词的变化呀,impair是削减的意思吧、) knowledge to the students. Both of them are happy for they exchange(for exchanging) the positive emotion from each other that make themselves joyful. The simplest example is that, if someone smiles at(我记得我们老师说过at给人的感觉好像不是太好，这里smile at多少有点一笑置之的意味，还是用to好了) you, without doubt, you will smile back. However, what if someone shouts at you? Think about are we(?) react to the different emotions. Generally, the sentiment of others' profoundly impact on us enable to make our mood fluctuation fiercely(应该用fierce就可以吧，adj.). It's easy to imagine the awful feeling after you quarrel with your girlfriend or boyfriend. Those are who closely related to you, so you are compelled to accept their moods even worst one. In the same way, you are contented if they go into rapture. As I concerned(不要简写啊), emotion can transport(transport what?) thus no happiness can you gain unless you make others happy.(这句稍微感觉有点chinglish~~)
My favorite hobby is preparing surprises.(段首最好点明一下要点，而且我觉得preparing surprises有点奇怪的表述，说hobby也不太合适吧？可以说我最喜欢或者最擅长为他人制造惊喜吧、、、) That is the reason why I have more passion for my friends' birthdays compared with mine. Even if there's a startle(这里我想提醒你一下这样写会削弱你的论点的因为你的surprise没有make others happy), I still want to bring it to others and let they feel the day is different. Since I had pocket money, I have seldom spent for(on) myself. For me, the most interesting thing is to see how different phiz will people have when I create the astonishment. In fact, nothing is more attractive than this can make me happy. A few months ago, a telecontrol helicopter was chosen as a gift for my girl's birthday. On that big day, I told her the signal was so bad that I couldn't listen, so she came to the living room and opened the windows. Suddenly, a toy helicopter revealed in front of her, with a ring beneath it attached by a string. I can never forget her shriek, and the next sweet kiss.(Wow, how romantic~!)(这里我还是想说一点就是最好能在结尾写个小总结句让读者在你写完这些例子之后能再回归到你的主题，这样会更有力！)
An investigation demonstrates that 80% of people fully notice the attitude from others. I cannot emphasize the vitality of the emotion transport and reception too much. Meanwhile, I strongly advocate that it's a splendid idea to get into the habit of giving others happiness. If we do utmost to do that, consequently, the happier we are.
【conclusion】stone的文章在举例和用词上很出彩，字数也够够的！
以我之见，说说几个小问题，你斟酌~1、the不要乱用，有很多地方不需要特指的加上the感觉很奇怪；2、每一段最好都能有一个主题句，这样会让结构更清晰。比如第一段你上来写parents和gf的smile，虽然也很好，但是读的时候感觉要比较深入一点才能明白你的point~后面三个论证段亦是如此，要让读者看完例子读完文章才能明白你的论点。3、stone在文章里面写了不少的问句，虽然可以引着读者深入到next point，但是感觉用的多了反而怪怪的，我认为这里和咱们写语文作文里面的设问是有区别的。4、制造惊喜的那一段确实和make other people happy有点冲突了，或者是可以强化一下你的surprise是怎么把startle变成happy的，感觉解释的不到位。
作者: stones4 时间: 2012-4-5 11:36
谢谢修改，我的问题真是一大堆呢， 前天刚要回复你的时候校园网就断了，好抱歉
作者: stones4 时间: 2012-4-5 11:37
嗯，我知道了，总感觉自己的句子和连接写的是超级不连贯·····
作者: stones4 时间: 2012-4-5 14:13
Government takes the responsibility to administrate the society which puts the citizen in the first place. It should consider both substantial and mental sides of the establishment of the city. Nevertheless, I think apart from the construction of infrastructure, according to the fact that more and more estates have been built by the companies. Thus, as the government has already arranged the elementary program at the same time the free-market is normally operating. Without doubt, it's time to sidely emphasize on the preserving old historic building.
Old historic building is the spirit of a city and the spirit is worth to be protected.Every period leaves distinct issues, as time goes by the clues of the issues remain in these housing. Such as vestiges made by bullets or the natural weathering. All these marks symbolize as the spirit of the city as long as they tell what have happened to the city. I live nearby a war relic, whenever I see those broken pillars, it remains me not only a historical issue but also a strong will that I acquire from my city, requiring the spirit of my city called strength.
Another reason to preserve old historic building is that it makes a city a far cry from others. Owning to the rapid development of urbanization, every city seems to be the same. Government and estate companydo utmost as they can to build financial centers, sumptuous flats, and CBDs. Open our eyes, skyscrapers fulfill the city. In this way, historic housing becomes more valuble for they are the only characteristics of a city. If I go to England, I will never miss the Big Ben. When talk about US, the statue of liberty could be the first image reveals in my mind. So I cannot emphasize the vitality of the preserve of the old one too much.
Finally, focus on the historic housing can also slow down the speed of urbanization. Construction of new buildings poses great threat to the environment because of the fuel emissions and the human activities. Deforestation, the annihilation of animals and water pollution are all induced by the over speed of urbanization. This is a matter of life and death--a matter no government can afford to ignore. Instead, draw more attention to the establishment of the old housing is more wise.
Last but not the least I wish to say that the choices between erecting the new building and preserving the historic one is equal to the question about the comparison with future and history. Though crucial as future is, the attention to the history is far more vital for history repeats itself.
作者: 晨依Jacqueline 时间: 2012-4-5 17:58
谢谢修改，我的问题真是一大堆呢， 前天刚要回复你的时候校园网就断了，好抱歉
-- by 会员 stones4 (2012/4/5 11:36:08)
也谢谢你的建议 真的很棒！
作者: stones4 时间: 2012-4-5 22:44
It's hard to imagine that a policeman makes a relationship with a theif. Generally, those who are justice only make friends with upright people. According to this common phenomenon, it's conceivable to say that one can learn a lot about the person through the friends around him or her. I will try to examine below the specific reasons.
On the one hand, people who have the same interests are easier to become friends for they can have better communications and gain the resonance. My best friends and I, we are all big comic fans. In addtion, we dream the same dream about being animators and establish our own studio. Now let me focus on social website. Most websites offer a function which utilizes to find someone similar to oneself. As long as a person identifies himself with some keywords, he can find another person heads to the same domain through them. In fact, many people build their relationship in a way like this. As a result, the friend type apparently tells plentiful information about a person.
On the other hand, we make friends around us. That is to say, we have friends share the same neighborhood according to which has strongly proven that we are in the same level. Like, people attend the same university, virtually, at the beginning, possess knowledge to an identical degree. And on no account can you have a lot of friends in a better university as to you aren't willing to make friends in a worse college. The reason is that people in a better university look down on you in the way you despise the students in the worse college. This is human nature, trying to find someone in the same position as yours. Think about " gossip girls", except one of the main characters, it's seldom to see any of the ordinary one. The story just happens among the upper class people. an upper class person just has friends who are upper class.
Finally, one can know people from their friends is due to personalities resemble to each other are more appealing when you select a friend, because people are used to contacting with something they admit and make sure that they can definitely in charge of it. It must make them feel comfortable.
作者: stones4 时间: 2012-4-5 22:44
匆匆写完，字数不够
作者: prodliu 时间: 2012-4-6 11:28
It's hard to imagine that a policeman makes arelationship with a theif (thief). Generally,those who are justice（这是个名词） only make friends with upright people. Accordingto this common phenomenon, it's(应该分开写it is)conceivable to say that one can learn a lot about the person through thefriends around him or her. I will try to examine below the specific reasons.
On the one hand, people who have the same interests areeasier to become friends for(换成because好一些) they can have bettercommunications（不可数） and gain（receive） theresonance. My best friends and I, we are all big comic fans. (Both my best friend and I are big comic fans.) Inaddtion (addition), we dream the same dream about being animators and establish(establishing) our own studio. Now let me (us,既然是关注一下，应该让大家一起去关注) focus onsocial website. Most websites offer a function，（有逗号有which）which utilizes to（感觉翻译起来有点绕口，直接换成can help us to） findsomeone similar to oneself. As long as a person identifies himself with somekeywords, he can find another person heads to the same domain through them.你看看这样写是不是更好一些（Most social contact websites offer sucha function that a person can easily find someone who have the same or similarpersonalities or interests, as long as he or she identifies some keywords abouthimself or herself.字数差不多，但是更有条理一些） In fact, many people buildtheir relationship in a way like this. （Too often we observed that a majority of peoplebuild up relationship with others through such a kind of method.）As a result, the friend type apparently tells plentifulinformation about a person.
On the other hand, we make friends around us, that is tosay, we have friends who share the sameneighborhood according to which has strongly proven that we are in the samelevel.(没太明白意思，是说用以阶级的人更可能做朋友吗？) Like,people attend the same university, virtually, at the beginning, possessknowledge to an identical degree. And on no account can you have a lot offriends in a better university as to you aren't willing to make friends in aworse college.（有点太绝对了，好学校的学生一定就不会比差一点的学校的学生交朋友吗?尽量不要太绝对，大多数情况下就可以了。） The reason is that people in a better university lookdown on you in the way you despise the students in the worse college. This ishuman nature, trying to find someone in the same position as yours.（这样写会不会好一些，Pretty obviously, students who study insome famous/renowned universities will gain advanced theories and learnprofessional skills because these universities may receive more subsidies fromlocal government. From this point, there is a gap will present when theseworld-class students analyze a situation compared to mid-class students do,that as a result, it seems hard for both of them to be closely related becauseof the difference in depth of thinking.） Thinkabout " gossip girls", except one of the main characters, it's seldomto see any of the ordinary one. The story just happens among the upper classpeople. an upper class person just has friends who are upper class.
Finally, one can know peoplefrom their friends is due to personalities resemble to each other are moreappealing when you select a friend, because people are used to contacting withsomething they admit and make sure that they can definitely in charge of it. Itmust make them feel comfortable.(结尾也需要再改进一下，)
总结一下，感觉论据不够充分具体，逻辑也需要加强一下，最好是一推论出来，就比如好学校学生和中等学校学生交友的例子。论点是不会成为好朋友，所以一推证出来，首先是好的学校会得到更多的资助，所以理论是最前沿的，技术是最专业的，导致好学校学生看问题的角度与中等学生不一样，所以因为思考深度的问题他们很难走的很近。这一系列推理就很合理。只是个人的鄙见，有不同的意思提出来。
作者: stones4 时间: 2012-4-6 19:30
刚打篮球回来，中午看完你的批改觉得说的太对了。我想的东西和写的完全不一样，不知道用什么逻辑表达自己的思路。
作者: Crystaljoy 时间: 2012-4-7 00:16
Stone加油哦~多多锤炼会进步很快滴~~
作者: Crystaljoy 时间: 2012-4-7 00:27
对了，建议你看《张宏岩 10天搞定托福作文》，大本营首页可下载的。
关于文章结构，行文逻辑那本讲的很不错~
作者: Crystaljoy 时间: 2012-4-7 00:29
最简单的一个小论点的逻辑思路： what---why---for example---conclusion
作者: stones4 时间: 2012-4-7 15:23
谢谢哦。我今天第一次写综合···独立写了几天，速度已然能跟上了，写作小分队好给力
作者: stones4 时间: 2012-4-7 15:51
第一次写综合有种想死的干嚼
The lecturer talks about research conducted by a firm that the group system when attacks a project. He says that the theory stated in the passage was various and somewhat inaccurate when compared to what happened for real.
First, some members got free rides for they didn't work hard but rely on others who make contributions to the group. Once the group won the honor, every member shares this profit, however, it was nothing to do with some of the people. In this case, it's conceivable unfair to those who worked hard on the project, a team as a whole, however, no name. What indicates in the passage called "shine" doesn't exist according to the content told by the lecturer.
Second, the professor advocated it took a long to make an accord agreement while passage says that a group of people have a widely range of knowledge so that it could work at a tremendous speed. The professor concluded that groups were slow in progress for the reason individuals can make a decision on their own, but it wasn't work on the team because of the number of people.
Third, if one or two people become influential, other members will be affected, induces decrease their creativity. This directly contradicts what the passage indicates that individual has a better chance to share as long as team members who have voice maybe influence by others.
作者: 晨依Jacqueline 时间: 2012-4-7 20:06
TPO2 综合修改
The lecturer talks about research conducted by a firm that the group system when attacks a project.(这里when是怎么回事?) He says that the theory stated in the passage was various(各种各样的?不合适吧、)and somewhat inaccuratewhen compared to(关于compared with还是compared to的问题，我查了一下，To compare to is to point out or imply resemblances between objects regarded as essentially of a different order;to compare with is mainly to point out differences between objects regarded as essentially of the same order.应该是用with，仅供参考吧~)what happened for real.
First, some members got free rides for theydidn't work hard but rely(relied) on others who make(made) contributions to the group. Once the group won the honor, every member shares this profit, however, it was nothing to do with some of the people. In this case, it's conceivable unfair to those who worked hard on the project, a team as a whole, however, no name(were named). What indicates in the passage called "shine" doesn't exist according to the content told by the lecturer.
Second, the professor advocated it took a long (+time)to make an accord agreement while passage says that a group of people have a widely range of knowledge so that it could work at a tremendous speed. The professor concluded that groups were slow in progress for the reason individuals can make a decision on their own, but it wasn't work on the team because of the number of people.(注意注意，其实这一篇综合比较狡诈、listening的观点和reading的观点出现的顺序并不相同，所以我们可以发现本段的两个idea并不是对应起来的。Free ride是和rewarding对应，high speed和hold meetings、long time对应，所以应该再看看原文对应起来~~另外，建议本段在提供这些观点和细节的同时点明一下阅读和听力的关系~)
Third, if one or two people become influential, other members will be affected, induces decrease their creativity(induces a decreased creativity?). This directly contradicts what the passage indicates that individual has a better chance to share as long as team members who have voice maybe influence by others.(这个句子有点小问题，前面what后面还有从句。。。)
Stone同学是第一次写综合，而且是一篇比较诡异的综合题目~感觉比我第一次写得好多啦，但是还是存在一点点问题：首先，时态有点混乱，比较具有穿越性；其次，最好可以在每一段直接或者间接点出the relationship between reading and listening；最后，因为我自己也一直做不到，所以我也没有资格要求stone啦、也是一个小原则吧，就是在文章中写listening的内容时尽量符合原文的表述，越接近越有细节越好~希望stone能在后面的练习中能够听好更多的details然后写得更好吧~！加油！
作者: stones4 时间: 2012-4-7 23:45
4月7日
110513 NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? One of the ways that parents can help children be ready for adult life is to ask them to do a part-time job.
With the gigantic strides of modern society, more and more pressure is exerted on the next generation. Caring about their children, parents are eager to find a way to help them adapt to this community before they become adults. When it comes to this, part-time job is selected as a good choice to make this preparation. And here are the following reasons according to the conventional viewpoints.
By doing a part-time job, children can gain plentiful practical experience rather than what teachers have taught. Crassus says that "You will learn more about a road by traveling it than by consulting all the maps in the world." Imagine that one never does a real job and just hears the tips from his or her parents or read from books. Though s/he knows the concepts or the regulations how things operate. Still, this person indeed does not understand how to deal with the issues. The point is conceivable, because those who are staying in the ivory tower never attend to the reality. As a result, part-time offers an opportunity to take the words into practice.
Another reason is if children take part-time jobs, it is apparent that they will achieve accomplishments for they earn the money and at the same time require the experience on their own. My first part-time was to sell milk. After a hard day work, persuading the customers buy commodities, blamed by my employer on account of the mistake I made in counting the money. Ultimately, my first pay, 100 RMB was handed over to me. The memory of that moment still reveals in my mind. From the day I was born, never have I be so contented. This case is not rare, in reality, many children satisfy themselves through part-time jobs.
In addition, part-time job helps children build their personalities as long as they are given chances to meet more people. Some children are introverted so they seldom talk with others, admittedly, this leads negative effects to the upcoming days. As we know, communication is a crucial part of the contemporary world. World is practically made by relationship, and communication is the basis of relationship. In this case, introverted as children are, the participation in the part-time job does contribute to complete their characters. Sooner or later, they will learn how to communicate with others.
Though it is not hard to find another way to help children be ready for adults. Such as doing housework which makes them more independent or ask them to cook that takes the levels of the quantities of their lives and how to take care of themselves. However, there's no denying to say when consider about the factors part-time job produces more suffering issues than any other work under the control of parents. It is universal acquired that "those who aim at great deeds must suffer greatly".
作者: stones4 时间: 2012-4-7 23:50
e```肿么发出了这样的文章····word你肿么了····肿么给我删了那么多单词····
时态哦，是的。。。下午大脑好乱。。。。
嗯，我的确是米发现阅读的观点和听力不一样·【败犬
听力听下来，没反映的就把原文记下来，然后拼在一起的时候觉得蛮奇怪的。连格式都搞不清
作者: 婷婷connie 时间: 2012-4-9 07:09
stone,sorry,昨天一直没有接触到电脑，今天给你批文~
With the gigantic strides of modern society（这句话有点空，建议开始从实在的入手，比如社会竞争越来越激烈）, more and more pressure is exerted on the next generation. Caring about their children, parents are eager to find a way to help them（这里指代不明） adapt to this community before they become adults. When it comes to this(this指代不明acquiring experience), part-time job is selected as a good choice（the first priority） to make this preparation. And here are the following reasons according to the conventional viewpoints.(the表特指,后面跟单数形式，复试形式表泛指,这里注意一下)
（To begin with）By doing a part-time job, children can gain plentiful practical experience rather than what teachers have taught(theories obtained in the classroom ).Crassus says that "You will learn more about a road by traveling it than by consulting all the maps in the world." Imagine that one never does a real job and just hears the tips from his or her parents or read from books. Though s/he knows the concepts or the regulations (about？这个介词我不太确定)how things operate. Still, this person indeed does not understandhow to deal with the （specific ）issues. The point is conceivable, because(这里有点中式。改成：it is conceivable that those individuals who keep in the ivory tower never attend to the reality )those who are staying in the ivory tower never attend to the reality. As a result, part-time (job)offers an opportunity to take the words into practice.
Another reason is(that)if children take part-time jobs, it is apparent that they will achieve accomplishments for theyearn the money and at the same time require the experience on their own. My first part-time was to sell milk(milk sales). After a hard day'swork, persuading the customers(to )buy commodities, blamed by my employer on account of the mistake(fault)I made in counting the money. Ultimately, my first pay, 100 RMB was handed over to me. The memory of that moment still reveals(这里想表达什么呢？) in my mind. From the day I was born, never have I be（been ） so contented. This case is not rare, in reality, many children satisfy themselves through part-time jobs.
In addition, part-time job helps children build their personalities as long as they are given chances to meet more people. Some children are introverted so they seldom talk with others, admittedly, this leads negative effects to the upcoming days. As we know, communication is a crucial part of the contemporary world. (The) World is practically(radically) made by relationship, and communication is the basis of relationship. In this case, introverted(已经用过了，换一个unsocial)as children are, the participation in the part-time job does contribute to(这个to 貌似是介词)complete（shaping and molding） their characters. Sooner or later, they will learn how to communicate with others.
Though it is not hard to find another way to help children be ready for adults. Such as doing housework which makes them more independent or ask them to cook that takes the levels of the quantities of their lives and how to take care of themselves. (这里不用写这么具体了)However, there's no denying to say when consider about thefactors part-time job produces more suffering issues than any other work under the control of parents. It is universal acquired that "those who aim at great deeds must suffer greatly".（最后加一句升华的话，像如果大家都去兼职了，会怎么样）
Conclusion:
1.注意代词的指代问题。
2.冠词的使用
3.文章字数的安排，开头、结尾不用写这么多字的。
小问一句，字数很给力，是30分钟写完的吗？
真的很棒啊
作者: stones4 时间: 2012-4-9 17:29
4月8日
101211 NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is more enjoyable to have a job, and you work only three days a week with long hours rather than work five days a week with shorter hours.
Owning to the gigantic strides of modern society, the domestic deposit is increasing. Under the rich substance, people begin to consider how to lead a more enjoyable job. Currently, an idea between whether work three days a week in long hours or five days work in short hours is put on the table. Personally speaking, the former one seems to be a better choice. And here are the examined reasons which according to the ubiquitous viewpoints.
Without doubt, it is more efficient to finish the work if a person chooses to do his or her job in three days. As a result, self satisfaction is achieved when the person completes a job continuously and finally accomplishes it. Painting is my favourite hobby. Nothing can make me excited only have I completed my picture without pause. Unfortunately, sometimes the order by my mum which pushes me to go to bed will interrupt me. So that, there's no alternative for me but to sleep, however, the undone picture still reveals in my mind. That is what draws me crazy. This example is not rare, in reality, some people cannot be relaxed unless they finish their daily work as long as it tackles the problems to satisfy oneself at most degree and at the same time two more days are saved for one to do something else.
So, another reason for choosing three days to work is because in this way more free time is available to develop hobbies. Through a hobby, one can know more friends and make his or her life diverse. Especially participate in some sports like basketball which acquires team spirit will help the person get a better understanding of each other and make a deeper friendship. To fully utilize these two days, employers also gain more time to company their families. An investigation recently shows that over 80% young parents complained they are too busy to take care of their children due to the five days working system. In addition, some extra work might be given to them on the weekend. In this case, while doing the jobs, more time will be taken to think about their children. So, in conclusion, working three days with long hours indeed more gratifying than five days.
Some people may claim that working five days a week gives a greater circumstance which compared with three days a week with extended hours people know more about the characters of their workmates. In that case, it is easier to share ideas with which does contribute to the company. With less work hours everyday, less tire will people have, so they can guarantee the high quality jobs. However, working three days with long hours a week indeed tackles all the tasks in a short time and protects the problem before it happens. Moreover, less communication is not necessarily a bad thing. As individuals, less creations will be made when influences by others.
Last but not the least, long hours work in three days does bring more benefits when it comes to how to make more profits to a company. If a company operates in three days, it will cut its cost so that it may increase the employers' welfare. Who won't be more enjoyable with more money.
作者: stones4 时间: 2012-4-9 17:42
结尾的最后本来按我原来的习惯是会在总结一次的，前天在鸟儿的推荐下看了张红岩那本书，现学现卖了一下“戛然而止”
关于regulation about那个，我查了一下，好想没有特意一定要使用什么连接。
关于指代的问题老实说我从来没有注意过，谢谢你那么仔细的修改。对我帮助太大了。
替换句子，的问题，在写作过程中一时半会儿想不到，，
时间，，，小超了一点，，因为写句子我比较头痛
谢谢婷婷同学如此仔细的修改，受益匪浅
作者: daisyの小夢想 时间: 2012-4-10 15:10
4.8
Owning to the gigantic strides(gigantic strides搭配有点奇怪，gigantic主要形容体积庞大之类的感觉？) of modern society, the domestic deposit is increasing. Under the rich substance (用substance不对，这个物质的意思是生物性的，应该用material goods，under也不好，改为With/Enjoying abundant material goods), people begin to consider how to lead a more enjoyable job. Currently, an idea between whether work three days a week in long hours or five days work in short hours(in long hours有歧义，用with) is put on the table. Personally speaking, the former one seems to be a better choice. And here are the examined reasonswhich according to the ubiquitous viewpoints(the ubiquitous viewpoints? 普遍的想法？不是your own idea?).Without doubt, it is more efficient to finish the work if a person chooses to do his or her job in three days. As a result, self satisfaction is achieved when the person completes a job continuously and finally accomplishes it. Painting is my favourite hobby(累赘，my favourite thing or my hobby). Nothing can make me excited only have I completed my picture without pause(suspension) (好像不是这样表达。Only if I complete my drawing without suspension can I feel excited.). Unfortunately, sometimes the order by my mum which pushes me to go to bed(有点累赘，My mum’s pushing me to go to bed) will interrupt me. So that(In such situations), there's no alternative for me but to sleep(I can do nothing except for going to sleep), however, the undone picture still reveals(用现在时不好，may still appear) in my mind. That is what draws me crazy. This example is not rare,(断句) In reality, some people cannot be relaxed unless they finish their daily work as long as it tackles the problems to satisfy oneself at most degree and at the same time two more days are saved for one to do something else.(这句逻辑有点混乱><但不知道怎么理顺)
So, another reason for choosing three days to work is because(is that) in this way more free time is available to develop hobbies. Through a hobby, one can know more friends and make his or her life diverse(colorful). Especially participate(participating) in some sports like basketball which acquires team spirit will help the person get a better understanding of each other and make a deeper friendship. To fully utilize these two days, employers also gain more time to company(accompany) their families. An investigation recently shows that over 80% young parents complained (that) they are too busy to take care of their children due to the five days working system.(这个引用数据真好~~) In addition, some extra work might be given to them on the weekend. In this case, while doing the jobs(找不到逻辑主语), more time will be taken to think about their children.(even when they are doing the extra work, they can have more time to look after their children) So, in conclusion, (Therefore,) working three days with long hours (is) indeed more gratifying than (working) five days.Some people may claim that working five days a week gives a greater circumstance which compared with three days a week with extended hours (for people to know more about their workmates?)people know more about the characters oftheir workmates. In that case, it is easier to share ideas with which does(that do) contribute to the company. With less work hours everyday(every day), less tire will people have(这里不能倒装呀。), so they can guarantee the high quality jobs(jobs that are of higher quality). However, working three days with long hours a week indeed tackles all the tasks in a short time and protects the problem(protect??) before it happens. Moreover, less communication is not necessarily a bad thing. As individuals, less creations will be made when influences by others (??).
Some people may claim that working five days a week gives a greater circumstance which compared with three days a week with extended hours (for people to know more about their workmates?)people know more about the characters oftheir workmates. In that case, it is easier to share ideas with which does(that do) contribute to the company. With less work hours everyday(every day), less tire will people have(这里不能倒装呀。), so they can guarantee the high quality jobs(jobs that are of higher quality). However, working three days with long hours a week indeed tackles all the tasks in a short time and protects the problem(protect??) before it happens. Moreover, less communication is not necessarily a bad thing. As individuals, less creations will be made when influences by others (??).
Last but not the least, long hours work in(for) three days does bring more benefits when it comes to how to make more profits to a company. If a company operates in three days, it will cut its cost so that it may increase the employers' welfare. Who won't be more enjoyable with more money.(反问句用问号~~)
>>??结尾去哪里了?? 要有conclusion啊,stone! 我一战就是因为没有conclusion作文扣得比较多分。。
作者: daisyの小夢想 时间: 2012-4-10 15:17
不好意思 这次真的有点狠批了>< 因为daisy被GMAT语法影响很深，所以写句子也是喜欢简洁到位，逻辑指代明白^^ 加油~~
作者: Crystaljoy 时间: 2012-4-10 22:29
Daisy 好认真哇
同时期待Stone昨天的作业
作者: stones4 时间: 2012-4-12 22:59
嗯嗯，改得好！我会总结经验教训的
作者: stones4 时间: 2012-4-12 23:01
篮球开始校赛了，我又犯懒了。主要是今天开始总结我写过的所有作文，因为是i给鸟JJ改，所以想交好的！
作者: Crystaljoy 时间: 2012-4-12 23:04
篮球开始校赛了，我又犯懒了。主要是今天开始总结我写过的所有作文，因为是i给鸟JJ改，所以想交好的！
-- by 会员 stones4 (2012/4/12 23:01:00)
别太大压力啊，捂脸了。
原生态也好，都喜欢。哇哈哈。
再拖我老人家就忘了题目了要。
作者: stones4 时间: 2012-4-13 19:55
觉得写的和鬼一样啊···
Currently, facility equals to the strength of the educational capacity. Consider about the new generation who is more initiative towards a style of self-study with the help of facility. Nevertheless, compared purchasing facilities, hiring more teachers seems to be a better choice.
To begin with, it is always top of the list of my viewpoints that teachers play the most vital role in leading a student into a world of knowledge. Practically, teachers, invariably, make the system of a subject more logical by seizing the core of it. There is no denying that via the guide of a teacher, knowledge can be gained more efficiently by a student. As for facilities, it is conceivable that most students utilize these equipment to collect only a large sum of information. An investigation shows that 75% of university students have a loss in the skills of classifying the information and making these statistics into practise. That is the reason why so many people complain that students at present merely acquire the concepts written in the books but know nothing about how to use them into reality. "Science is built with facts just as I build a house with bricks, but a collection of facts cannot be called science rather than a pile of bricks can be called a house." Depending on the facilities, what the students collect is the so-called science. Therefore, without the assistance of teachers, on no account can students understand a subject profoundly at the first glance.
Moreover, Albert Einstein said. "Imagination is more important than knowledge". The reason why I maintain hiring more teacher is better is due to the fact that teachers not only impact knowledge to students but also enlighten their minds, meanwhile, foster them to do the utmost as they can to create innovative ideas perseverely. Communication, which can never be accomplished by using any facilities. As the essential part to establish a bridge to transform different ideas which virtually widen a student's vision. Teachers, in fact, communicate with students every second during the class. Furthermore, atmosphere of the class is taken in charge of a teacher who aims at set a circumstance in favour of exchanging opinions.
Admittedly, hiring more teachers is more economical for there is a need to update the facilities. As time goes by, facilities are sifted out while teachers become more and more knowledgable rely on their hard work. Imagine that ten years ago, a cellphone only can make a call cost 200 dollars or more. Today, a smart phone which has the same function as a computer just cost 100 dollars or less. Things like facilities lose their value fairly fast.
All in all, hiring more teachers does bring more benefits than purchasing more facilities. Man is a social animal and refer to face to an emotional person rather than the cold-blooded machines.
作者: stones4 时间: 2012-4-16 12:02
鸟JJ
作者: Crystaljoy 时间: 2012-4-16 13:07
Sorry~ 我出去耍了三天，刚看到！
这就和鬼交谈一下。
作者: Crystaljoy 时间: 2012-4-16 14:57
Currently, facility equals to the strength of the educational capacity. Consider about the new generation who is more initiative towards a style of self-study with the help of facility（consider about用于句首很罕见啊，多是considering做连词，表”考虑到，就……而言”）. Nevertheless, （，from my personal observation，）compared （+with 固定搭配）purchasing facilities, hiring more teachers seems to be a better choice.
To begin with, it is always top of the list of my viewpoints（这个地道么？my top concern/ top of my view） that teachers play the most vital role in leading a student into a world of knowledge. Practically, teachers, invariably, make the system of a subject more logical by seizing the core of it. There is no denying that via the guide of a teacher, knowledge can be gained more efficiently by a student (删去吧。我觉得英语中被动句受事者不一定要指出来；这个by也有与via同样的意思，会歧义). As for facilities, it is conceivable that most students utilize these equipment to collect only a large sum of information. An investigation shows that 75% of university students have a loss in the skills of classifying the information and making(putting)these statistics into practice (practice 是名词). That is the reason why so many people complain that students at present merely acquire the concepts written in the books but know nothing about how to use them into reality. （However, as the saying goes,）"Science is built with facts just as I build a house with bricks, but a collection of facts cannot be called science rather than a pile of bricks can be called a house." （我没看懂这句话，google发现原句应该是but a collection of facts cannot be called science any more than a pile of bricks can be called a house。就像一堆砖不能叫作房子，罗列一堆事实更不能被称为科学。No ……more than 更不能。）Depending on the facilities, what the students collect is the so-called science.（？我非常不解）Therefore, without the assistance of teachers, on no account can students understand a subject profoundly at the first glance.（删掉。一眼就看穿的是神仙啊~~~）
这段太太长了，本来对比一下teacher & facility的不同作用，得出结论即可。后面引用的不自然，太抽象的引用最好不用，否则得解释半天。
Moreover, Albert Einstein said. "Imagination is more important than knowledge".（？） The reason why I maintain hiring more teacher is better is due to（删除，和reason重复了） the fact that teachers not only impact（inculcate）knowledge to students but also enlighten their minds, meanwhile,(删除。not only but also就可以了) foster them to do the utmost as they can（try their utmost） to create innovative ideas perseverely. Communication, which（删除。本来一个好好的句子呢，被你给弄成一个词啦） can never be accomplished（only） by using any facilities. As the essential part to establish a bridge to transform (exchange) different ideas which virtually（to） widen a student's vision.(as不能单独成句，只能作为附属的从句。把这个变成communication的修饰吧，逗号隔开放在上句communication和can 之间) Teachers, in fact, communicate with students every second during the class. Furthermore, atmosphere of the class is taken in charge of a teacher who aims atset a circumstance (creating mood吧)in favour of exchanging opinions.
开头最好直接明了亮明观点啊，你这个imagination》knowledge的偏题引用又是让读者一头雾水；后面Communication 来的太突兀。
Admittedly,hiring more teachers is more economical for there is a need to （constantly）update the facilities. As time goes by, facilities are sifted out while teachers become more and more knowledgable rely（based） on their hard work. Imagine that ten years ago, (recall过去 imagine未来) a cellphone (which) only can make a call cost 200 dollars or more. Today, a smart phone which has (almost严谨)the same function as a computer just cost 100 dollars or less. Things like facilities lose their value（are devalued and updated） fairly fast.
All in all, hiring more teachers does bring more benefits than purchasing more facilities.Man is a social animal and refer to（我在想一根筋的老外会不会被你弄晕了？ Human being are sociable, thus it’s better for students in school to）face to an emotional person rather than the cold-blooded machines.
我发现的几个小问题：
1.句子之间缺乏逻辑性。前后句子间缺乏体现逻辑关系的词语，比如such, these, therefore, however. 英语意合，汉语形散，你每次写完都看看机经里面的范文，好好体会体会行文的逻辑性。
2.适当的引用是亮点，它可以作为支持自己论点的论据。但是别太生搬硬套了啊，更不能让观点跟着引用走。
3.建议先写八股文，等逻辑思路练熟练了，再脱离八股玩创新。
作者: Crystaljoy 时间: 2012-4-16 14:58
我是不是太犀利了= =
哈哈，别难过，也不客气~~~
好久没改作文了，跟你一起认真了一回嘛。
作者: stones4 时间: 2012-4-16 21:42
没有犀利啦，改的很好啦。恩，我会改进的
作者: stones4 时间: 2012-5-1 17:09
用时五十分钟···打字什么的···好慢···
Theorists usually measured progression in terms of increasing social complexity, or an increase in intellectual, theological and aesthetic sophistication. Currently, there's a general growing trend that human connection play as one of the main pillars of a prosperous society. When it comes to the question about job choosing between the high salaries but little time to company with family and friends and acquire a lot of time to stay with family and friends but earn less money. Personally speaking, the latter one seems to be a better choice.
Money is not a panacea, as society moves to a higher level in the scale of development, people care about not only material standards in their living but also their mental lives. That is to say, how to become happy is the most crucial topic in today's world. Family and friends are a mighty elixir when we face the difficulties, because they are who foster us to get through the misery. One secret of happiness, people innumerable studies suggests those who spend more time with their friends and place a high value tie with family matters a great deal. A large scale of surveys by the University of Chicogo National Opinion Center have demonstrated that those who have immense of time to share with friends and families are more likely to describe themselves as very happy, compared with those who own a lot of wealth but seldom have time to accompany with their families.
Even more important reason to choose a job pays little but allow employees staying with family and friends is because people tend to be far happier in happy, stable, committed relationships with their named aptly "significant others". It is obvious, time is an essential part to form the relationships. If a person chooses a high paying job but requires to leave his or her family and friends, without doubt, this person does not able to adopt a happy and stable relationship with the family. Instead, he or she has to deal with the relationships with a variety of clients. Among those surveyed by NORC from the 1970s through the 1990s. Some 40% of children said they were very happy; among the other 60%, though having a rich substance life, they always feel lonely because their parents just focus on their jobs. Additionally, these children tend to high risks of illnesses such as self-imposed or tristimania.
Also, more money can lead to more stress. The big salary one pulls in from a high-paying job may not buy much in the way of happiness. It can buy this person a spacious house in the suburbs. Trouble is, that also means a long trip to the work place. Even if the person loves the job, the little slice of every day hell that he or she calls the commute everyday can bring this person down. More worse, one can adjust to most anything but a stop-and-go trip and an overstuffed bus can make an unhappy day whether it is the first day or the last day of the job.
In a nutshell, due to the above mentioned reasons, which sometimes correlate with each other to generate an integrate whole and thus become more convincing than any single one of them, I may be comfortable to say that if you want to be the happiest one, choose a job which allow you to stay with your family and friends though it pays lower.
作者: 瓜瓜不瓜 时间: 2012-5-2 14:26
石头，今天是我帮你改作文哈，处女改，多包涵
红字是优秀的地方，绿字是需要改进之处
Theorists usually measured（用一般现在时更恰当） progression in terms of increasing social complexity, or an increase in intellectual, theological and aesthetic sophistication.（平行结构么？感觉存在问题） Currently, there's a general（generally,adv修饰adj） growing trend that human connection play as one of the main pillars of a prosperous society. When it comes to the question about job choosing between the high salaries but little time to company with family and friends and acquire a lot of time to stay with family and friends but earn less money(又是一个平行错误， betweenxx andxx 两个xx没有平行，前面一个xx是名词，后面一个XX是动词了). Personally speaking, the latter one seems to be a better choice.
Money is not a panacea, （应该为句号，不然一个句子有两个主句了）as society moves to a higher level in the scale of development, people care about not only material standards in their living but also their mental lives. （这句话存在的问题是，as这个从句用了move 和比较级来强调变化，但是主句没有突出这个变化）That is to say, how to become happy is the most crucial topic in today's world. Family and friends are a mighty elixir when we face the difficulties, because they are who foster us to get through the misery. One secret of happiness, people innumerable studies suggests(that)those who spend more time with their friends and place a high value tie with family matters a great deal. A large scale of surveys by the University of Chicogo National Opinion Center have demonstrated that those who have immense of time to share with friends and families are more likely to describe themselves as very happy, compared with those who own a lot of wealth but seldom have time to accompany with their families.(这段的例子很好)
Even more important reason to choose a job pays little but allow employees staying（allow sb to do,stay）with family and friends is because(有了reason就不要用because了，改为that）people tend to be far happier in happy, stable, committed relationships with their named aptly "significant others". It is obvious,（直接用that从句，不然又是两个句子没有连词的错误了）time is an essential part to form the relationships. If a person chooses a high paying job but requires to leave his or her family and friends, without doubt, this person does（able的用法错误，be able to do）not able toadopt（adopt用在这里不合适，语义不符）a happy and stable relationship with the family. Instead, he or she has to deal with the relationships with a variety of clients.（这句出现的好唐突，没有逻辑的连贯性，删去会更红）Among those surveyed by NORC from the 1970s through the 1990s. Some 40% of children said they were very happy; among the other 60%, though having a rich substance life, they always feel lonely because their parents just focus on their jobs. Additionally, these children tend to high risks of illnesses such as self-imposed or tristimania.（研究性的例子被你用的如鱼得水哈哈）
Also, more money can lead to more stress. The big salary one pulls in from a high-paying job may not buy much in the way of happiness. It can buy this person a spacious house in the suburbs. Trouble is, that also means a long trip to the work place. Even if the person loves the job, the little slice of every day hell that he or she calls the commute everyday can bring this person down. More worse, one can adjust to most anything but a stop-and-go trip and an overstuffed bus can make an unhappy day whether it is the first day or the last day of the job.（这段，我看得莫名其妙，逻辑有点牵强，语法表达奇诡，但是又挑不出毛病。我才疏学浅
）
In a nutshell, due to the above（above的词性 prep. &adv,没有adj.的词性，不能做前置定语） mentioned reasons, which sometimes correlate with each other to generate an integrate whole and thus become more convincing than any single one of them, I may be comfortable to say that if you want to be the happiest one, choose a job which allow you to stay with your family and friends though it pays lower.
总的来说：
你的例子用的不错，整片文章观点也很鲜明。陈述也较为有条理，但是逻辑有稍微的不足。
此外，我发现你的语法表达错误较多，要多多注意了哈、
作者: stones4 时间: 2012-5-2 22:48
Theorists usually measured progression in terms of increasing social complexity, or an increase in intellectual, theological and aesthetic sophistication. Currently, a trend grows that skillful human resources play as one of the main pillars of a prosperous society. When it comes to a dilemma whether it is more important for a company to invest in improving the skills of its employees. Personally speaking, the answer is yes.
To begin with, the reason why a company cannot emphasize the vitality of its human resource too much is that society changes faster, so what people have learned is faster outdated. We increasingly see education as a critical component of democratic society. This is the same for a company. For intelligent decisions in a company, we need a skillful population. Without doubt, employee is the firm foundation of a company. Only with skillful employees can a company generate a stronger competitive force. Like Huimin Chang, the CEO of Haier says, " the most vauble wealth in our company, is our people, our skillful employees".
Skillful human resources is a non-material resources. The application of higher non-material inputs also raises the productivity of physical inputs. shown that it is possible to reduce the amount of physical inputs in a wide range of activities. Scientific agricultural methods demonstrated that soil productivity could be raised by application of synthetic fertilizers. Dutch farm scientists have suggested that a minimal water consumption of 1.4 liters is enough to raise a kilogram of vegetables compared to the thousand liters that traditional irrigation methods normally required. Henry Ford's assembly line techniques with all training workers brought down the man-hour of labor required to deliver a car from783 minutes to 93minutes. These examples show that the greater input of skillful workers and the thought-power skillful employees create can raise the productivity of physical resources and thereby extend their limits.
Though there are a lot of fields can be considered to invest, such as the update facilities, the appealing advertisement and also the establishment of the new factories. However, let me take the investment in the update facilities for example. Even if a company buys the facilities but because they are the newest styles, thus nobody knows how to use it. The facilities will operate only if they are controlled by someone who is taught how to use. This strongly proves that skillful staffs form the basic component of a company. So the investment in training the employees should be first considered.
In a nutshell, due to the above mentioned reasons which sometimes correlate with each other to generate an integrate whole and thus become more and more convincing than only single one of them, I may comfortable to say that, if a company wants to make profits the first key it has to care is the employee training.
作者: stones4 时间: 2012-5-3 21:41
5月3日20110827 NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Patience is usually not a good thing and we need to take actions at once.
Theorists usually measured progression in terms of increasing social complexity, or an increase in intellectual, theological and aesthetic sophistication.Currently, a grow trend that the success of decision making plays one of the main pillars of a prosperous society. When it comes to a dilemma whether patience is a necessity when we take an action. Personally speaking, the answer is yes.
Patience is a good thing and in my view it is not wise to act at once. Paradoxically, people always cope with things they do not familiar with. Information is a key inputs in this modern society, whenever people make a decision, invariably, it is conceivable that they should investigate all the information about the object. For example, ready access to information about economic factors help investors to immediately transfer capital to those sectors and areas where it will fetch a higher return. Compared with those who hear from others and put their money in the markets such as stock market, obviously, people have patience and control all information after a periodic observation can easily make profits. Thus, think twice before make any decisions.
Another reason that I make a disapproval of people should take action at once is because sometimes they do not figure out what they really need. Large scale of surveys by the University of Chicago National Opinion Center have demonstrated that some 40% people regret for their impetuous decisions and those who have to burden the consequence for what they did are most likely to describe themselves as very unlucky. Almost of us wanted to make determinant options on our own, especially when we were young. It is apparent that we want to show our responsibility and we understand all the ethical principles, moral values, political theory, but not to mention who children are in ourselves. When I was 16, math was my nightmare, all I wanted to do is paint. Hence, I drew day and night in order to improve my skills and made preparation for becoming ananimator. In fact, my schoolwork was left behind me, at that time my dad came to stop me and refused my decision to the art school. Actually, I lost my passion a year later, and right now I can sometimes heard many of my friends complain about their determinations to learn art for it is hard to get a job and it will never be their interests again just work. This case is not rare, in reality, people often lose the patience to consider something in a long run. As a result, their lives may not be so smooth.
It is presumptuous to judge the point that patience is not usually a good thing as a fallacy. because the idea that experience is an essential part to form the success. According to which people become patient sometimes for earning more experience sometimes for collecting the experiences from other people. Arguments for empirical thought in his The Postusolates of Empirical Thought Section of the book Critique of Pure Reason, people attempt to describe good based on virtuous thought. Virtuous thought supposes that a virtuous person has a fairly explicit conception of what is called happiness. Kant's perception skews the person's thought because each person perceives an event differently. It is this difference in what people perceive that creates opposing viewpoints on good whether virtuous or not. Indeed, this may slow the the speed for making a decision and even worse we would lose the scarce opportunities. However, opportunities belong to those well prepared people.
In a nutshell, due to the mentioned reasons which sometimes correlate with each other to generate an integrate whole and thus become more convincing than any single one of them.
作者: 易雨水巷 时间: 2012-5-3 22:25
先和石头说声对不起，改晚了~~~~(>_<)~~~~
高亮为精彩 红色为错误 蓝色为疑问或建议 绿色为总结
5.2
Theoristsusually measured progression in terms of increasing social complexity, or anincrease in intellectual, theological and aesthetic sophistication. Currently,a trend grows that skillful human resources play as one of the main pillars ofa prosperous society. When it comes to a dilemma whether (+or not) it is more importantfor a company to invest in improving the skills of its employees. (When itcomes to…是个从句，不能单独成句，可将末句作为主句，合成一句。 When it comes to a dilemma whether or not it is moreimportant…, personally speaking, the answer is yes.)Personally speaking, the answer isyes.
To begin with, the reason why a company cannot emphasize the vitality of its human resource too much（这个再怎么样也不过分的句式用的很不错哦，我一直不会用o(╯□╰)o） is that societychanges faster, so （换成 and therefore吧） what people have learned is faster outdated. We increasingly seeeducation as a critical component of democratic society. This is the same for acompany. For（For the sake of会比较好一点儿吧）intelligent decisionsin a company, we need a skillful population. Without doubt, employee is thefirm foundation of a company. Only with skillful employees can a companygenerate a stronger competitive force. Like Huimin Chang, the CEO of Haiersays, " the (The) most vauble (valuable) wealth in our company, is our people, our skillfulemployees".
（加个连接词， In addition/Besides之类的吧）Skillful humanresources is a (如果要用resources 就不要用is & a 啦，直接换成are)non-material resources. The application of higher non-materialinputs also raises the productivity of physical inputs. shown (Shown) that it is possible toreduce the amount of physical inputs in a wide range of activities. Scientificagricultural methods demonstrated that soil productivity could be raised byapplication of synthetic fertilizers. Dutch farm scientists have suggested thata minimal water consumption of 1.4 liters is enough to raise a kilogram ofvegetables compared to the thousand liters that traditional irrigation methodsnormally required. Henry Ford's assembly line techniques with all trainingworkers brought down the man-hour of labor required to deliver a car from783minutes to 93minutes. These examples show that the greater input of skillfulworkers and the thought-power skillful employees create (去掉) can raise the productivity of physical resources and therebyextend their limits.
Though there are a lot offields can be considered to invest, such as the update facilities, theappealing advertisement and also the establishment of the new factories. (我感觉，把开头的Though 换成 Admittedly, 比较好，所谓的倒数第二段让步段)However, let me takethe investment in the update facilities for example. Even if a company buys thefacilities butbecause they are the newest styles, thus nobody knows how to use it(them ，前面facilities是复数). （感觉奇怪，even if有“即使，尽管，虽然”的意思啊，不用再用but了吧，可以换成，nobody will know how to use them because they are the neweststyles.）The facilities will operate onlyif they are controlled by someone who is taught how to use. This stronglyproves that skillful staffs form the basic component of a company. So theinvestment in training the employees should be first considered.
In a nutshell（又学到一个总结词O(∩_∩)O~）, due to the above mentioned reasons which sometimes correlatewith each other to generate an integrate whole and thus become more and moreconvincing than only single one of them, I may comfortable to say that, if acompany wants to make profits the first key it has to care is the employeetraining.
To石头：
总结我就来说一下不好的方面吧，好的就不说了(*^__^*)
感觉石头肿马好像木有用模板，除了开头和结尾，是太久木有写的原因了吗？建议还是看一下模板O(∩_∩)O~
1.这个连接词以及每一段的TS感觉做的不是很好，基本上分论段都缺乏主题句..我以前也不会写，多练练就好了吧
2.这个语法之类的错误比较多，写完以后要检查一下~
我还想再强调一下，最主要的就是第一点关于主题句的问题吧，一定要重视啊！不然看起来文章比较乱，读起来比较费力。
雨巷的意见比较多了，希望石头有用的听，木有用的无视掉就好了O(∩_∩)O~
加油哦，一起努力呢！
作者: stones4 时间: 2012-5-3 23:20
嗯嗯！的确只有结尾模版了一下，关于语法错误···实在是···不知道如何是好
作者: maylovehe1 时间: 2012-5-4 13:32
stone, 我找不到你的文章啊,
作者: stones4 时间: 2012-5-4 19:34
在这面的第二篇，辛苦喽~~
作者: stones4 时间: 2012-5-4 19:34
Theorists usually measured progression in terms of social complexity, or an increase in intellectual, theological and aesthetic sophistication. Currently, there is a growing trend that self-fulfillment plays as one of the main pillars of a prosperous society. Thus, a majority become to face a dilemma whether people work for money or social status. Personally speaking, the main purpose for people to work is to erect their social status.
The reason why I maintain most people work for their social status is because compared with money, social status can better prove their value. As the rapid pace of life today, society accumulates more and more wealth. Under this circumstance, people seldom only serve as bread winners who work day and night to improve the living standards of families. More and more people begin to chase their personal value and achieve self-fulfillment. Robert Punam, one of my psychology teachers once said in her class. " I can make more money, a large amount of money in many ways. But I choose to be a psychology teacher because I love teaching". The large scale of surveys by the University of Chicago National Opinion Center has demonstrated that some 60% people choose to work with something which brings their ideal social status. And those who work for their status are more likely to describe themselves as very happy.
Another standpoint for me to disagree with the people consider money as the first place when they hunt for jobs is that money is cannot bring happiness. No one denies that money is not a panacea, the key to the joyful life is happiness. Happiness which brings by self-fulfillment due to the societal position. Imagine that one has a job through which can pursue only the worthest goals, goals that contribute to the betterment life of others and goals that fit one's personal satisfaction because the contributions to the society they live in. Besides, Money Misery the new science of happiness starts with a simple insight: we are never satisfied. "We always think if we just had a little bit more money, we would be happier." Says Catherine Sanderson, a professor at Amherst College. " but when we get there, we are not. " Practically, if a person set "money" as his or her goals, in a long run, no happiness will this person gain.
Despite the fact social status is an essential part to form one's self-fulfillment. The role of money cannot be ignored. First, it can buy a spacious house with a beautiful garden and also an open car. Everybody will be appreciated to live a sumptuous life like that. Second, children tend to be received a better education which with more money. Good education thus attempts to give a firm foundation for the achievement of personal fulfillment. More importantly, emphasis is often put on economic success in this one's achievement. Actually, we cannot emphasize the vitality of money too much. It does directly influence the individuals, the society's and even humanity's future development and prosperity.
In a nutshell, due to the mentioned reasons, which sometimes correlate each other to generate an integrate whole and thus become convincing than any single one of them. I may comfortable to say that more people put social status in the first place.
作者: maylovehe1 时间: 2012-5-4 20:29
Theorists usually measured progression in terms of social complexity, or an increase in intellectual, theological and aesthetic sophistication. Currently, there is a growing trend that self-fulfillment plays as one of the main pillars of a prosperous society. Thus, a majority become to face a dilemma whether people work for money or social status. Personally speaking, the main purpose for people to work is to erect their social status.
à模板好高深。。。
The reason why I maintain most people work for their social status is because compared with money, social status can better prove their value. As the rapid pace of life today, society accumulates more and more wealth（wealthy）. Under this circumstance, people seldom only (I think seldom and only from meanings a little bit repeated) serve as bread winners (breadwinners, this is a合成词)who work day and night to improve the living standards of families（quality of life?）. More and more people begin to chase their personal value and achieve self-fulfillment. Robert Punam, one of my psychology teachers once said in her class, “I can make(earn) more money, a large amount of money in many ways. But I choose to be a psychology teacher because I love teaching". The large scale of surveys by the University of Chicago National Opinion Center has demonstrated that some 60% people choose to work with something which brings their ideal social status. And those who work for their status are more likely to describe themselves as very happy.
àIf logic is earning more money not means have social value, even personal happiness. However, for example, to become teacher, it may represent some values, personally thinking, you need make up story based on your focus.
Another standpoint for me to disagree with the people considers money as the first place when they hunt for jobs is that money is cannot (估计是打字着急了) bring happiness. No one denies that money is not a panacea; （转折关系）the key to the joyful life is happiness. Happiness which brings by self-fulfillment due to the societal position(句子有问题). Trying to imagine that, one has a job through which can pursue only the worthiest goals,andgoals that (which) contribute to the betterment life of others, and also goals that fit one's personal satisfaction because the contributions to the society they lived in. (这句话有点怪怪的)Besides, Money Misery the new science of happiness starts with a simple insight: we are never satisfied. "We always think if we just had a little bit more（a bit more or a little more, btw, do not always use one word-more）money, we would be (deserved much) happier." Says Catherine Sanderson, a professor at Amherst College. “but when we get there, we are not. " Practically, if a person set "money" as his or her goals, in a long run, no happiness will this person gain.
àNeed more practice on your wording and the expression you want to show.
Despite the fact social status is an essential part to form one's self-fulfillment. The role of money cannot be ignored. First, it can buy a spacious house with a beautiful garden and also an open car. Everybody will be appreciated to live a sumptuous life like that. Second, children tend to be received a better education which with more money. Good education thus attempts to give a firm foundation for the achievement of personal fulfillment. More importantly, emphasis is often put on economic success in this one's achievement. Actually, we cannot emphasize the vitality of money too much. It does directly influence the individuals, the society's and even humanity's future development and prosperity.
àThis paragraph is good
In a nutshell, due to the mentioned reasons, which sometimes correlate each other to generate an integrate whole and thus become convincing than any single one of them. I may comfortable to say that more people put social status in the first place.
总结：楼主的词汇很好，偶尔有些词汇需要避免重复。总之，我们一起努力吧！ ^_^
作者: 易雨水巷 时间: 2012-5-5 12:21
绿色为总结 蓝色为建议或疑问高亮为精彩红色为错误
Theorists usually measuredprogression in terms of social complexity, or an increase in intellectual,theological and aesthetic sophistication. Currently, there is a growing trendthat self-fulfillment plays as one of the main pillars of a prosperous society.Thus, a majority become to face a dilemma (我觉得这不是一个进退两难的困境，可以换成，There is heat discussion about/ People from divergent backgroundshold different views about，就是说模板可以用，但也要根据主题稍微换一下句子哦，有些不是很合适嘛O(∩_∩)O)whether people work for money orsocial status. Personally speaking, the main purpose for people to work is to erect their socialstatus.
（+ Tobegin with/ First of all之类的词）Thereason why I maintainmost people work for their social status is because compared with money, socialstatus can better prove their value. As the rapid pace of life today, societyaccumulates more and more wealth. Under this circumstance, people seldom onlyserve as bread winnerswho work day and night to improve the living standards of families. More andmore people begin to chase their personal value and achieve self-fulfillment.Robert Punam, one of my psychology teachers once said in her class. " Ican make more money, a large amount of money in many ways. But I choose to be apsychology teacher because I love teaching". （+ What is more/Besides/In addition之类的词）Thelarge scale of surveys by the University of Chicago National Opinion Center hasdemonstrated that some 60% people choose to workwith something （如果是要表达“60%的人选择可以带来理想的社会地位的工作”的话，建议将work with something 换成 a job， 因为to work ,本来就有去工作的意思哇，加上个with something 是要干啥？一般是work with sb 和sb 一起工作的意思吧）which brings their ideal social status. And those who work for their status aremore likely to describe themselves as very happy.
（+What is more/Besides/In addition之类的词） Another standpoint for me to disagreewith the people consider money as the first place when they hunt for jobs isthat money is cannot bring happiness. No one denies that money is not a panacea,（+and 连结前后两个句子）the key to the joyful life is happiness. Happiness which brings byself-fulfillment due to the societal position. Imagine that one has a jobthrough which can pursue only the worthest（worthiest）goals, goals that contribute to the betterment life of others and goals thatfit one's personal satisfaction because the contributions to the society theylive in. Besides, Money Misery the new science ofhappiness（作为 Money Misery的同位语，前后加个逗号吧） starts with a simple insight: we arenever satisfied. "We always think if we just had a little bit more money,we would be happier." Says Catherine Sanderson, a professor at AmherstCollege. " but when we get there, we are not. " Practically, if aperson set "money" as his or her goals, in a long run, no happinesswill this person gain.
Despite the fact social status isan essential part to form one's self-fulfillment. （despite 本身是介词，后面不能加句子）The role of money cannot be ignored. First,it can buy a spacious house with a beautiful garden and also an open car.Everybody will be appreciated to live a sumptuous life like that. Second, children tend tobe received a better education which with more money. Good education thusattempts to give a firm foundation for the achievement of personal fulfillment.More importantly, emphasis is often put on economic success in this one'sachievement. Actually, we cannot emphasize the vitality of money too much. Itdoes directly influence the individuals, the society's and even humanity'sfuture development and prosperity.
In a nutshell, due to the mentioned reasons,which sometimes correlate each other to generate an integrate whole and thusbecome convincing than any single one of them. Imay comfortable to say that more people put social status in the first place.（毕竟题目是问同意不同意Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The main purposefor people who have jobs is for money rather than social status.所以在最后总结还是说自己同意哪一个吧）
To 石头
首先，词汇很高级O(∩_∩)O~
其次，例子很好！向石头学习！
再次，这次读起来比以前好多了哦，逻辑主题句神马的O(∩_∩)O~
最后的最后，建议石头换个模板试试，不能总用一个模板的O(∩_∩)O~
加油↖(^ω^)↗
作者: stones4 时间: 2012-5-5 22:49
We increasingly see education as a critical component of democratic society. For intelligent decisions in a democratic society, we need an educated people. Currently, there is a growing trend to focus on the that should parents help the children when they accomplish the assignments. In my standpoint, parents would better to foster children work on their own. And here are my opinions.
To begin with, encourage the children work on their own helps children acquire the ability of independence, which is a primary goal of family education. "The responsibility and obligation that the education carries is to impart to the young generation sufficient qualities and abilites to settle down themselves in society." This famous remark by a well known educator in my country is the real portraiture of successful education. As an integral part of education, family education, in which people are the direct supervisors of children, should follow this true definition of education, aiming at cultivating children to acquire a sense of self reliance and becoming capable of standing on their own feet. Thus, intelligent parents are supposed to guide the young to make decisions for themselves on purpose.
Another shortcoming of parents to help their children do their schoolwork is that the function of homework is to examine what the students have learned in class and help them get a better understanding of the knowledge. If parents finish the work for their children, without doubt, it virtually decreases the opportunities for children to take a deep consideration of the subjects. As the saying goes "no pain, no gain". Thus, it is students duty to achieve the work themselves. To illustrate, when I was a kid, invariably, my dad was asked to assistance with my schoolwork. Though pretty relaxed everyday, ultimately, a "C" was marked in my final paper. This case is not rare, in reality, many people rely too much on others mainly because they are used to doing that. Thus, parents should take care of the case that does not help the children with their assignments.
Despite the fact that independence is an essential to children's future career, the role of parents assistance cannot be ignored. Practically, it cannot emphasize the vitality of the support by parents too much, for children today are easy to dismay. Something likes tackle a problem unsuccessfully or make stammer speech in the public. Whereas, when children face problems while doing schoolwork, they may be easily feel stress, in this case it is wise for parents to give them a hand immediately.
In a nutshell, due to the mentioned reasons, which sometimes correlate each other to generate an integrate whole and thus become more convincing than any single one of them. I may comfortable say that, for parents the best way to help their children is let them grow independently. So stimulate the children do homework themselves.
作者: 婷婷connie 时间: 2012-5-6 10:52
5.5 独立改文
We increasingly see(regard) education as a critical component of democratic society. For intelligent decisions in a democratic society, we need an educated people.(这句话可以去掉，很多话跟第一句重复了)Currently, there is a growing trend to focus on the that should（这里读不通）parents help the children when they accomplish the assignments. In my standpoint, parents would better to foster children work on their own. And here are my opinions.
To begin with, encourage the children work（encouraging the children to work） on their own helps children acquire the ability of independence, which is a primary goal of family education. "The responsibility and obligation that the education carries is to impartto(删掉) the young generation sufficient qualities and abilites(abilities) to settle down themselves（settle themselves down） in society." This famous remark by a well known educator in my country is the real portraiture of successful education. As an integral part of education, family education, in which people are the direct supervisors of children, should follow this true definition of education, aiming at cultivating children to acquire a sense of self reliance and becoming capable of standing on their own feet. (哇， 这个句子好长哦,佩服死了)Thus, intelligent parents are supposed to guide the young to make decisions for themselves on purpose.
Another shortcoming of parents to help their children do their schoolwork is that the function of homework is to examine what the students have learned in class and help them get a better understanding of the knowledge. If parents （help）finish the work for their children, without doubt, it virtually decreases the opportunities for children to take a deep consideration of the subjects. As the saying goes "no pain, no gain". Thus, it is students' duty to achieve the work themselves. To illustrate, when I was a kid, invariably, my dad was asked to assistance with my schoolwork. Though pretty relaxed everyday, ultimately, a "C" was marked in my final paper. This case is not rare, in reality, many people rely too much on others mainly because they are used to doing that. Thus, parents should take care of the case that does not help the children with their assignments(and no longer help the children with their assignments).
Despite the fact that independence is an essential to children's future career, the role of parents assistance cannot be ignored. Practically, it cannot emphasize the vitality of the support by parents too much, for children today are easy to dismay. Something likes tackle a problem unsuccessfully or make stammer speech in the public. Whereas, when children face problems while doing schoolwork, they may be easily feel stress（stressed）, in this case it is wise for parents to give them a hand immediately.
让步这段不太说服人，可以从另一个角度去说，家长在一个关键的事情上需要给孩子帮忙，like future career or marriage.
In a nutshell, due to the mentioned reasons, which sometimes correlate each other to generate an integrate whole and thus become more convincing than any single one of them（这句话的模板感觉太明显了，尽量不要用大段的模板哦）. I may comfortable say that, for parents the best way to help their children is let (letting)them grow independently. So stimulate the children do homework themselves.
Conclusion：stone的文基本上已经很好了，但是要注意动名词的使用，动词是不能做主语的，还有尽量淡化模板的使用，让它成为自己的东西~加油哈
作者: stones4 时间: 2012-5-6 11:28
TPO10The lecture apparently refutes to the points illustrated in the reading material. According to the professor
Which differs from the statement of the reading that the decline of the otters mainly to the pollution problems rather than attacked by predators.
The first point the professor uses to cast doubt on the passage is that because the pollution problem is getting weak and thus there is no dead otters can be found in the Alaska coast. And this may indicate that otters are attacked by the predator. Since, once predators have catched them up immediately, it can explain why we cannot see any otters wash up to shore. On the contrary, the reading contends an opposite stand that environmental pollution, such as oil rigs and chemical pollution which examined from the water samples, is threatening to the otters.
Another evidence the speaker adopts to contradict the passage is that only a few possibilities for orca to prey the whale because of human activities that whales almost disappear. And also, some small animals such as sea lions and other mammals may eaten by orca for it changes its diet. Paradoxically, the reading states that the decrease of seals and sea lions proves a strong clue that pollution causes the problem to the all coast.
In conclusion, the point made in the lecture contracts with what is present in the reading material. The profess claim that, uneven patterns can better explain by predators. The reason depends on whether the location where they live is accessible to orcas or not. In the location orca can access easily, otters will decline greatly. While the passage holds that the uneven pattern of otter decline is account for the environmental pollution.
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