标题: 【写作小分队】Lillian安的作文，欢迎拍砖 [打印本页] 作者: Lillian安 时间: 2012-3-24 13:35 标题: 【写作小分队】Lillian安的作文，欢迎拍砖 作文贴，先开贴= =|||坚持&加油~~~~~~作者: Lillian安 时间: 2012-3-24 16:59 标题: 3.24独立写作 In this day and age, it is hardto overstate significance of movies and television to people's daily life. Somepeople even enjoy themselves in watching movies and television for hourswithout stop. Granted, movies and television have various positive impacts onpeople. Movies and television is, however, not so suitable for young people forthe reason that young people are not sophisticated enough to distinguish rightfrom wrong.
First, it is wide accepted thatmaking people feel relaxed is main driving force behind maker of movies and oftelevision. To achieve the key goal, the makers of these two kinds of programexert themselves on the way of promoting proportion of interesting elementsinstead of meaningful materials. Consequently, when people watch films ortelevision shows, they mainly tend to have fun. Meanwhile, films and televisionhave the ability to influence us through the value of their story. Only peopleare sophisticated enough do they know what should be admitted and what shouldbe ignored.
Second, young people are definedas people who are not mature. From this aspect, young people are susceptible tobehavior and words from others including actors of movies and of television.Though content of movies and of television are limited by organization, theystill contain some uncommon value and dangerous behavior in order to match needof atmosphere of story.
Lacking of social experience,young people was supposed not to watch movies and television alone. Because nomatter how many validate information the movies and television have, they werecreated to gain money from people. In result, what to show primarily hinge onmajority people's desire. For instance, so many movies and television aresaturated with excessive violate and pornographic content. If young people viewthem too much, they obviously will change young people behave into bad side.Maybe someday in the future, young people would violate others only for thesake of a sense of fulfillment.
On the basis of the abovediscussion, I think movies and television have more negative influences thanpositive influences. As a result, parents should well-advised to constrain thetime and style of movies and television which young people see. Typically, iftime is sufficient, parents could watch with young people together so that ableto give aid for them to judge.作者: 光年 时间: 2012-3-25 10:04 红色是笔误，黄色是有问题的地方 ， 阴影是亮点。 In this day and age, it is hard to overstate significanceof movies and television to people's daily life. Some people even enjoythemselves in watching movies and television for hours without stop. Granted,movies and television have various positive impacts on people. Movies andtelevision is, however, not so suitable for young people for the reason thatyoung people are not sophisticated enough todistinguish right from wrong.
First, it is wide accepted that making people feelrelaxed is main driving force behind maker(makers) of moviesand of television. To achieve the key goal, the makers of these two kinds ofprogram exert themselves on the way of promotingproportion(increasing as a proportion 貌似proportion的用法比较奇怪) ofinteresting elements instead of meaningful materials. Consequently, when peoplewatch films or television shows, they mainly tend to have fun. Meanwhile, filmsand television have the ability to influence us through the value of theirstory. Only people are sophisticated enough do they know what should beadmitted and what should be ignored.
Second, young people are defined as people who arenot mature. From this aspect, young people are susceptible to behaviorand words from others including actors of movies and of television. Thoughcontent of movies and of television are limited by organization, they stillcontain some uncommon value and dangerous behavior in order to match（meet or satisfy）need of atmosphere of story.
Lacking of social experience, young people wassupposed not to watch movies and television alone. Because no matter how many validate（这是动词） informationthe movies and television have, they were created to gain money from people. In result（有这种用法咩）, what to showprimarily hinge on majority people's desire（没谓语）. Forinstance, so many movies and television are saturated with excessive violateand pornographic content. If young people view them too much, they obviouslywill change young people behave（behavior） into bad side. Maybe someday in thefuture, young people would violate others only for the sake of a sense of fulfillment.
On the basis of the above discussion, I thinkmovies and television have more negative influences than positive influences.As a result, parents should（be）well-advised to constrainthe time and style of movies and television which young people see. Typically,if time is sufficient, parents could watch with young people together so that able to giveaid for them to judge（句子不完整）. 作者属于行文流畅卦啦~ 这是我的巨大短板。尽力表达出想表达的意思，但是自我赶脚巨不流畅，可能我想说的太复杂了。囧。。。 语句方面再高级些会更好，观点再深入些。作者: Lillian安 时间: 2012-3-25 10:34
match（meet or satisfy） 嗯嗯 In result（有这种用法咩） 没有= = As a result 大脑短路时就会…… 某次综合写作还将 far from写成far more…… validate（这是动词） 嗯= = 看这个比较多 所以就……valid what to show primarily hinge on majority people's desire（没谓语） 我想这样表达来着 what to show 主语 hinge on 谓语（这个不能做谓语么？） parents could watch with young people together so that able to giveaid for them to judge（句子不完整）. 嗯 我也觉得有问题，估计整句都得改
语句方面再高级些会更好，观点再深入些。----嗯，两个多月没碰英语了，之前恶补的又生疏了= =；最大的问题是观点方面，我自己写的时候都不知道自己想说什么，而如果列几点的话，写着写着又发现列出来的点其实存在“相关性”……每次写完了都不敢看自己的作文，看了会发现得重写……= =|||作者: 光年 时间: 2012-3-25 12:04
what to show primarily hinge on majority people's desire.......嗯嗯，我断句出错鸟~ 改成hinges就好吧。hinge on是亮点撒~作者: Lillian安 时间: 2012-3-25 22:10
= = 嗯 单复 惆怅……作者: Lillian安 时间: 2012-3-25 22:10 标题: 3.25独立写作 In this day and age, there are some people claim that children need to grasp some knowledge on how to manage their money while only by doing this could they become financially responsible adults. Personally, I can hardly agree with this statement because following reasons.
First, it is not extensively accepted that children learn to manage their own money enable them become financially responsible adults. There is definitely no causal relationship between these two aspects. In reality, so many people have trouble in dealing with financial problem, however, they still one of men who are accountable to finance. By that I mean, people's attitude towards money do not hinge on their capability of money management. In some cases, I do not understand how to maximize efficiency of my pocket money, including purchase commodities at reasonable price.
Regardless of above logic mistake, should children start to learn to manage money at young age? Of course not. Admittedly, starting to learn at young age will render learning work readily to grasp because few people can deny that children really do a good job in grasping what has been taught though nowadays many children are treated as passive receptacles of predigested ideas which constrain their talent. However, the learning process of money management are well-advised not to start so soon as children are not sophisticated enough to deal with this case.
Lacking society experience and judgment ability, children obviously have no adequate capability to resist to various temptations around them. For instance, they could readily be lured by a wide range of entertainment and be addicted to enjoyment such as playing computer games which would waste not only money but also energy. Moreover, things could go to bad from worst and in the end, children exhaust themselves so that they cease to concentrated on learning. Therefore, it is not suitable for young people to have a try on money management.
Based on all the arguments above, children definitely should not to start to manage their money in their childhood. Only they are equipped with ability to judge, can they start to deal with their financial issue. Besides, being guided with positive value, perhaps, they can become financial responsible adults in the future.作者: Lillian安 时间: 2012-3-26 01:14
刚发现Lacking是形容词，“Lacking society experience and judgment ability, children obviously have no adequate capability to resist to various temptations around them. ” 那这样应该是错误的，可是如果想用这样的句子结构， lack能换成什么呢？求解答= =另外“society experience and judgment ability” ，明白形容词修饰名词，但是确实看到不少名词接名词的，那这样有错么？还是应该换成“social experience and judgment ability”?
补充：有朋友提议换成 Due to the lack of social experience and judgment ability, …作者: 夏雨霏霏 时间: 2012-3-26 23:06 In this day and age, there are some people claim that children need to grasp some knowledge on how to manage their money while only by doing this could they become financially responsible adults. Personally, I can hardly agree with this statement because following reasons.
First, it is not extensively accepted that children learn to manage their own money enable them become financially responsible adults. There is definitely no causal relationship between these two aspects. In reality, so many people have trouble in dealing with financial problem, however, they still one of men who are accountable to finance. By that I mean, people's attitude towards money do not hinge on their capability of money management. In some cases, I do not understand how to maximize efficiency of my pocket money, including purchase commodities at reasonable price（这个例子没有体现出attitude 和capability的关系哈，我觉得可以不要）.
Regardless of above logic mistake, should children start to learn to manage money at young age? Of course not. Admittedly, starting to learn at young age will render learning work readily to grasp because few people can deny that children really do a good job in grasping what has been taught though nowadays many children are treated as passive receptacles of predigested ideas which constrain their talent. However, the learning process of money management are well-advised not to start so soon as children are not sophisticated enough to deal with this case.
Lacking society experience and judgment ability, children obviously have no adequate capability to resist to various temptations around them. For instance, they could readily be lured by a wide range of entertainment and be addicted to enjoyment such as playing computer games which would waste not only money but also energy. Moreover, things could go to bad from worst and in the end, children exhaust themselves so that they cease to concentrated on learning. Therefore, it is not suitable for young people to have a try on money management.
Based on all the arguments above, children definitely should not to start to manage their money in their childhood. Only they are equipped with ability to judge, can they start to deal with their financial issue. Besides, being guided with positive value, perhaps, they can become financial responsible adults in the future
我只能说你写的 太好了！作者: Lillian安 时间: 2012-3-27 00:26
…………………………霏霏啊，你在说笑吧这篇作文我纠结了很久才想好思路，托福作文就是不好写啊，各种没思绪= =作者: Lillian安 时间: 2012-3-27 00:26
As thesociety is advancing and progressing by leaps and bounds, people cease to worryabout their food, clothes, house, etc. They can earn enough money to affordwhatever is needed in daily life and are equipped with the ability to enjoy thebeautiful scene and stimulating entertainment. Consequently, people start tochoose traveling in leisure time, enlarging the group of traveler as well. However,is the best way for traveler to travel while being guided by a guider?Honestly, I can hardly agree with this view because of several reasons.
First,no matter how professional the guide is, he or she must be required by theirboss to bring traveler to some shops which are cooperated with their travelagency. By that I did not mean this behavior would violate traveler's benefit,though this obviously would reduce time for watching historic buildings andother kinds of attractions which are hallmarks of the places. Granted, shoppingis an essential ingredient of a traveling. There is no better way to buy thingsthan to find by themselves as it is freely to decide where to go and what topurchase.
Moreover,a guide is supposed to care about majority of group instead of one. That is tosay, when conflict appears between few people and some people, the guidefrequently choose to be oblivious to the former and surely follow to the latter. In this case, what those people can do solely be forced togo some places they are unwilling to. This tour eventually be a pity for thosetraveler and would not be forgot till they travel again at next time.Therefore, people who have some attractions really dream for looking, to jointhe group hold by travel agency is not a good idea for them.
On theother hand, a significant institute called self-explaining device has beendevised by scientists and enables people to travel by their own and offer themdetailed introduction about attractions such as history and characters. Thisdevice is certainly user-friendly as only after reading almost one hundredwords can people know how to use.
Based on all the arguments stated above, it is obviously not a desirable decision totravel with a group led by a guide.
写成TPO16的作文题了……= =|||作者: 夏雨霏霏 时间: 2012-3-27 11:30
没有，我各种感叹，很流畅，真的作者: Lillian安 时间: 2012-3-27 16:10
谢谢，不过我觉得我写作做大的问题在于内容……总感觉不知道怎么写，然后“起伏”也挺大，这从托福作文20分，GMAT的5分，都可以看出来，写得顺的时候还好，不顺的时候就……各种情况，比如词想不起来，比如越写越矛盾，输入不够，唉，我又很不喜欢背东西= =作者: Lillian安 时间: 2012-3-28 01:50
As chum can afford us consolation and comfort and drive away our loneliness, friendshave become an indispensable part of our life. However, when it comes towhether people should be entirely honest with their chum, people tend to holddifferent views. Sincerely, being completely honest with friends is extremelydaunting.
First,it is no wonder that we do not share everything about ourselves since we doneed keep private. By that I mean, when some questions asked by friend whilebreaking the boundaries, we surely opt to answer them in an indirect way. Takemyself as an example, one of my intimate chum care me so much that sheconstantly ask me various question even the trivial one, such as who you aretalk with just a moment ago, how you two be recognized, etc. Though I know sheis well meaning, I feel nerve-racking and say just a friend you do not know inbriefly.
In some cases, a white lie is a better choice than a factual account as peoplewho bent upon something frequently willing to receive a satisfied result. Forinstance, once my roommate bring me some dishes cooked by her mother because Idid go back home at that festival, though I didn't think they were tasty, atleast not my favor, there was no better way to thank her than to eat up those"delicacy". I can't imagine that if I said those food were not good,how frustrated she would be.
Third,it is impossible to make friends with merely single one so that we would be indilemma in some cases. Presumably, a friend named A just told you some secretsthat she solely wish to share with you without exception whereas another friendnamed B feel curious about these things, what will you do? Therefore, to behonest with friend completely is too hard to achieve.
Based onall the arguments, it is clearly impossible to be completely honest withfriend. However, we should bear in mind that only white lies are acceptablesince these wouldn't tarnish relationship between friends one another.
纠结N久之后，带例子的非纯说理的作文出炉了…… 效率十分低作者: 夏雨霏霏 时间: 2012-3-28 22:31 As the society is advancing and progressing by leaps and bounds, peopleceaseto worry about their food, clothes, house, etc. They can earn enough money to afford whatever is needed in daily life and are equipped with the ability to enjoy the beautiful scene and stimulating entertainment. Consequently, people start tochoose traveling in leisure time, enlarging the group of traveler as well. However, is the best way for traveler to travel while being guided by a guider（改成with a guider简洁一点吧）? Honestly, I can hardly agree with this view because of several reasons.
First,no matter how professional the guide is, he or she must be required by their boss to bring traveler to some shops which are cooperated（cooperate with这里不用被动语态阿）with the travel agency. By that I did not mean this behavior would violate traveler's benefit,though this obviously would reduce time for watching historic buildings and other kinds of attractions which（要么加逗号，要么改成that） are hallmarks(这个词我查了一下。不太合适，还是landmark安全) of the places. Granted, shopping is an essential ingredient of a traveling. There is no better way to buy things than to find by themselves as it is freely to decide where to go and what topurchase.（这里表达不是很清楚我没看明白，）
Moreover, a guide is supposed to care about majority of group instead of （rather than 貌似更好）one. That is to say, when conflict appears between few people and some people（这两个能看出谁多谁的少么？）, the guide frequently choose to be oblivious to the former and surely follow to the latter（这句依旧没看懂，结构乱了）. In this case, what those people can do solely be forced to go some places they are unwilling to. This tour eventually be a pity for those traveler and would not be forgot till they travel again at next time.Therefore, for(加个这个，要不这小段就是个名词) people who have some attractions really dream for looking（dream to visit）, joining the group hold by travel agency is not a good idea for them.
On the other hand, a significant institute called self-explaining device ，invented by scientists， enables people to travel by their own and offers them detailed introduction about attractions such as history and characters(这样写就成了介绍景点比如说历史和特点，删了吧).（前面一整句三个and,结构不好啊） This device is certainly user-friendly as only after reading almost one hundred words can people know how to use.
Based on all the arguments stated above, it is obviously not a desirable decision to travel with a group led by a guide 作者: Lillian安 时间: 2012-3-29 00:22
恩恩，明白了， 另外： There is no better way to buy things than to find by themselves as it is freely to decide where to go and what topurchase.（这里表达不是很清楚我没看明白）------>这个句子我想用这个句式来着“there is no better way to …… than to……"……是去做某事的最好方式 例句是：There's no better way to connect with and truly understand the diverse experiences and talents of students and their families than to be a visible member of their community. few people and some people（这两个能看出谁多谁的少么？）----->few是少量,some是一些人= =，不可比么？那换some为many呢？ the guide frequently choose to be oblivious to the former and surely follow to the latter（这句依旧没看懂，结构乱了）---->这个就是“导游常常选择忽视前面的（few people）而跟随后面的（some people）” dream for looking（dream to visit）----> dream的用法不确定，干脆改love to吧作者: Herisson0509 时间: 2012-3-30 11:39
首先对安说抱歉啊因为前两天发生了棘手的事情所以一直没有时间来认真给你修改不好意思啊
蓝色表个人建议红色表错误黄色是亮点
我本人的水平也灰常有限很多意见都是前面和他们互改过程中积累出来的一些经验拜托安不要介意啊
As chum盆友 can afford us consolation and comfort and drive away our loneliness, friends have become an indispensable part of our life.(读起来有些拗口，我觉得这个改比较合适，No one can deny that friends have become an indispensable part of our life because they afford us consolation , comfort and drive away our loneliness.) However, when it comes to whether people should be entirely honest with their chum, people tend to hold different views. Sincerely, being completely honest with friends is extremely daunting(daunting总觉得这个词用的不太恰当呃还是用题目中的词吧impossible或者unlikely也不错).
First,it is no wonder that we do not share everything about ourselves since we do need keep private. By that I mean, when some questions asked by friend while breaking the boundaries（when some questions breaking the boundaries asked by friend 这样改感觉好些“打破界限”紧挨“问题”修饰问题你觉得呢？）, we surely opt to answer them in an indirect way. Take myself as an example, one of my intimate chum（重复啦intimate就有闺蜜的意思） cares me so much that she constantly asks me various questions even the trivial不重要的 one, such as（such as 后只能跟词，换成for example）who you are talk with just a moment ago,(and) how you two be recognized, etc. Though I know she is well meaning(well-meaning 本来是连着的分开意思就变啦), I feel nerve-racking and say just a friend you do not know inbriefly.（读起来怪怪的不是很顺think that it is not essential for my friend to know all about me.）
In some cases, a white lie is a better choice than a factual account as people who bent upon something frequently willing to receive a satisfied result.（缺少了be动词be willing to do sth)For instance, once my roommate bring过去式 me some dishes cooked by her mother because I did not go back home at that festival,. tThough I didn't think they were tasty, at least not my favor,（这句表达有问题但也想不出来怎么改好找人想办法去了）there was no better way to thank her than to eat up those"delicacy". I can't imagine that if I said those food were not good（delicious）, how frustrated she would be.
Third,it is impossible to make friends with merely single one so that we would be in dilemma in some cases.（这句前后矛盾了，小改动的话就把so that 换because）Presumably, a friend named A just told you some secrets that she solely wished to share with you without exception whereas another friend named B feel curious about these things, what will you do? Therefore, to be honest （sincere）with friend completely is too hard to achieve.(整段表达都显得比较非书面化) Based on all the arguments, it is clearly impossible to be completely（thoroughly可以替换一下）honest with friend. However, we should bear in mind that only white lies are acceptable since these wouldn't tarnish relationship between friends one another.
总体来说安的作文还是比较中式化口语化似乎是通病有空多看看范文吧
还有就是读积累些词汇争取在一篇文章里避免一个词的高频繁出现率多用些高级词汇
自己会的能写出来的词争取不要写错比如，时态什么的
要记得词语之间别忘敲空格哦
继续加油吧 作者: Lillian安 时间: 2012-3-30 14:24
怎么会介意呢？不给我仔细改才要敲呢 改的很对的地方我记下了，下面是我有疑问的 when some questions asked by friend while breaking the boundaries（when some questions breaking the boundaries asked by friend 这样改感觉好些“打破界限”紧挨“问题”修饰问题你觉得呢？）-----> 这个我也问了几个朋友，原句好点= = 至于为什么，其实我也不太清楚，囧~~可能是while并不似that、which？ who you are talk with just a moment ago,(and) how you two be recognized, etc. ----> 这里刺猬是不是忽略了",etc."？and应该是不需要加的 另外一句等待结果哦 空格敲了的= =，贴上后，不知道为什么部分就会堆到一起去……………… 刺猬改的很仔细哈，撒花~~补充个： 第一句句式那么改是不错的，但是后面有个小错误， afford us consolation and comfort and drive away our loneliness 这个是由afford us consolation and comfort 和 drive away our loneliness 两部分组成（背的东西里凑成的= =）， 如果是and过多不太好的话可以考虑去掉“and comfort”， 或者换个连词，只是没想到好的，我就这样写了= =刺猬有好建议么？
这篇作文我纠结了很久才想好思路，托福作文就是不好写啊，各种没思绪= =
补充个：