这是第二版的开头第一段 “When I was a little child, my parents usually took me to watch movies played outside on weekends. Even though I was too young to understand the most of the plots, I was still attracted by stories told by moving images with emotional acting and magnificent soundtrack. It felt like a whole new world open to me. That experience swept me into films and enlightened my curiosity about life and the world. This influence accompanies me all the time.“
我：你只有第一段有非常具体的打动了说服了人的实在的详细的内容做铺垫，第二段开头的 Because of this yearning desire of self-expression and lasting curiosity about human nature, 才有力道。如果第一段也空，这句就显得更空
第二段; “At school, I’ve been gradually trained as a professional reporter. What I have learnt essential attributes of a good Journalist is: passion, courage, sensitivity, diligence and the truth. I know how to catch the pivotal and dazzling moments and writing it out to be a interesting story.
我：这些话 只像范文 不能打动人 我：“I have heard and seen many different points of views and lifestyles quite different from my own.” 错错错 全都是空话 看了这句话 别人得到任何信息没有？ 我：话要这么说： “当我在云南的母系氏族的摩梭族的村子里看到他们的大喜的仪式，当我在四川的九寨沟里看到天然的彩色的水与颜料盘里的树林，当我……” 我：这样，才叫 有——内—— 容 ，才让人真的相信 你确实去过那里 你确实有自身感受 我：不要 假 大 空
我：“I started my first internship at Hangzhou TV station, department of social news in January 2008,” 这句是好的 这句叫做 有内容 我：“During the summer of that year, I had a internship at the Qianjiang Evening News(One of the most famous newspaper in East China), department of Education & Culture. ” 其中“One of the most famous newspaper” 改成客观的 数据说话 我：xx newspaper, with circulation/pubulication of 1 million ...., xxx 我：这样才能震慑人 我：懂？ 我：ONE OF MOST FAMOUS 是无力的
我： “I published over 40 press releases there” 这句非常好 “interviewed people from various walks of life” 不好 我：要写 “从 北京地下农民工，杭州天文台科学家，到 浙江省教育局局长，安徽XX县希望小学……” 我：原则是 形容词 感叹词 “ various walks of life” 总结性言辞 是不要自己亲口说出来 而是让别人 振动到 感受到的 你所做的是 描写你的实情 然后留给读者去得出这样的总结和感受 懂？
第三段里 “I always try to emphasize with them, sometimes I cannot help my tears for interviewee’s misrable life, and sometimes I cheer for their happiness.”
接下来一段 “Through the trips and journalism experience, I realized what a wonderful world we are living but at the same time, how sad each of us have only one life to experience. My willingness to tell good stories has been strengthened to reflect the evil and the goodness of human beings, the beauty of the world and the coincidence of fate, or just funny stories for entertainment. I’m eager to make people”
她：好的 谢谢你 我先去睡了 起来再改 她：还在不？我改了第一段 给你看一下我再去睡 ”When the first time I watched the movie <Titanic> played on an huge write curtain outside at the age of 10, Even the facilities were humble, when I saw Rose loosing Jack's grip, look at him sinking down into the sea, then the seawater covered the whole screen and the soundtrack of Bagpipes emerged. I couldn’t stop my tears. From then on, my parents took me to watch movies played outside every weekend until they stop featuring. Movies opened a whole new world to me, and enlightened my curiosity about life and the world. This influence accompanies me all the time.“
趁你还在我先改下看看有没有领会你的精髓么 我：领会了 好多了 I couldn’t stop my tears. 这句话之后 欠缺一点 需要再加一句到两句 来顶足力气 但是你领会了 就不担心了 你整篇大的需要重新设计 我肯定先把大的一二三段架构好 再去琢磨小句子