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标题: 考前热身--I123 写得比较糟糕但收获很大的一篇 求拍 [打印本页]
作者: 冷月钟笛    时间: 2011-11-5 13:38
标题: 考前热身--I123 写得比较糟糕但收获很大的一篇 求拍
考前热身，练习找感觉。这一篇写得比较水，拖沓而缺少层次与事例，论证比较空泛。另外存在比较明显的论证偏颇——轻于讨论教导年轻人竞争合作的问题而重于纠结竞争合作的利弊对比。参考北美范文，思路熨帖，语言流畅，从思路、结构、事例中吸取了很多宝贵经验，语言方面可以窃学一二，不过短时间内应该是达不到如此境界。争取在研究与练习中越写越好，取得提高。希望各位看官有什么想法，多多拍拍，不吝赐教~


123. The best way for a society to prepare its young people for leadership in government, industry, or other fields is by instilling in them a sense of cooperation, not competition.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.
1.    领袖要学会合作：
2.    领袖也要学会竞争：
Leadership now is valued as a necessary talent for the elite of our society. People of good leadership are usually applauded for their wise decisions and long insight which lead other people to success. Therefore, we expect our society can educate our children to be of such qualities for good leadership. Here is the question: how to educate them about leadership? One aspect of leadership is about how to understand competition and cooperation since most of the processes to successes are via these two means. The speaker of this issue considers the best way for leadership education is to instill in them only the sense of cooperation. I concede he is right to some extent since cooperation is for sure a good thing for us. But, in view of the reality, I have to say, competition is also necessary for a good leadership and should also be valued much.
A good leader definitely needs to understand the meaning of cooperation and know well about the skills of it. After all, any efficient team work is out of the perfect cooperation between team members and the leader should organize the whole team to cooperate for a best performance. Regarding of the team members of different preferences, distinct working styles, and different skills or talents, there may be some conflicts and mismatches between each other, leading to an inner cost of the team and damaging the team work efficiency. The leader is here for solving this sort of problems: he should be capable of unify the team members focusing on the same target and motivate them for the best performance. These issues often require the leader to be of great charisma, good skills and long insight, like Barack Obama, Steve Jobs. How well a team can function often determines how successful the team can achieve. In this light, a good sense of cooperation is really important to a good leadership.
What’s more, a considerable part of successes is out of the way of avoiding unnecessary competitions and pursuing common interests. When the marginal benefit of cooperation outnumbers the costs, it is sometimes better to turn an enemy to a partner since we can avoid the risk of loss out of rivaling. In fact, many companies today do that for best profits. For example, when some patents of a profitable drug is nearly due, the drug companies will prefer pay some money to other firms, asking them not to produce this drug in order to keep their monopoly status in the market for profits. Therefore, the drug companies can still dominate the market for profits in spite of no patent protection for their drug products only by costing them some part of money to other firms. This is a typical cooperation lesson for us to learn: for the maximum of benefits or some goals, a good leader should be wise and skillful about cooperation, even with the enemies.
However, we should also view that sometimes competitions against the rivals are unavoidable and the only way to succeed is to beat them. At this moment, the leader should be tough and strong confronting of the challenges from the opponents, and any thoughts of making compromises to the rivals to conduct so-called “cooperation” is to be weak, tend to give up, and betray the goals of the whole team. Today, the market is like a fierce battles and warfare of business is on the play every single day. People play tricks for profits in this world of betrays and deception. In this context, the sense of strong competition for survival and successes is truly essential for the leaders. A good awareness of risks of loss and a strong demand for success will make the leader sharp in making decisions, therefore leading to a competitive team. This issue almost makes sense in every single field, from the sports games to the market competitions, and, therefore, the good sense of competition should be instill in the young for a good leadership.
In sum, the leader is supposed to be the one leading the team to fulfill their goals, and both competition and cooperation are essential for achieving the targets. The leaders should be capable of organizing the team to cooperate with each other for best efficiency. Also they should be wise and tough to judge whether to cooperate or compete with their rivals in aiming to achieve the maximum profits. In this light, both senses of competition and cooperation are essential for them.
50min
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北美范文：
Issue 26
"While some leaders in government, sports, industry, and other areas attribute their success to a well-developed sense of competition, a society can better prepare its young people for leadership by instilling in them a sense of cooperation."


Which is a better way to prepare young people for leadership: developing in them a spirit of competitiveness or one of cooperation? The speaker favors the latter approach, even though some leaders attribute their success to their keenly developed competitive spirit. I tend to agree with the speaker, for reasons having to do with our increasingly global society, and with the true keys to effective leadership.


1    合作意识重要的原因：
1.1    全球化，很多国际问题无法通过个体努力解决，而需要大家（人之间、国之间）的通力合作
1.1.1    例子：解除大规模杀伤性武器disarm themselves of weapons of mass destruction;
1.1.2    例子：节能减排，保护大气防止温室效应：reduce harmful emissions which destroy ozone and warm the Earth to dangerous levels
1.1.3    例子：保护资源，共同治疗流行病：cure and prevent epidemics
1.1.4    防止自毁——共同课题：国际和平、经济稳定、保护动植物等等——合作多于竞争
1.2    团队合作的重要性：
1.2.1    团结队员，比如使他们参与讨论；
1.2.2    属于合作，疏远队员，会造成队员无法全心全意完成使命，甚至破坏、背叛；
1.2.3    And after all, without other people worth leading a person cannot be a leader let alone an effective one.
1.3    只注重竞争会限制领袖针对对手的措施，而无法察觉那些更有创造力的联合、组织性的方法，比如partnership with the would-be partners
2    竞争意识的重要：
2.1    如今的市场自由竞争极致，需要负有竞争意识competitive spirit和坚韧精神tenacity, being tough的领袖；
2.1.1    尤其对于技术更新推动型市场hyper-competitive technology driven economy，竞争就意味着不断的革新创造，落后的人将被残酷的竞争所淘汰而失败；
2.2    然而，竞争与合作并不冲突not inconsistent with each other，


落脚点：讨论这个问题是在考虑当今世界的诸多问题的背景下：The speaker's preference properly reflects the growing role of cooperative alliances and efforts in solving the world's most pressing problems.



The chief reason why we should stress cooperation in nurturing young people today is that, as tomorrow's leaders, they will face pressing societal problems that simply cannot be solved apart from cooperative international efforts. For example, all nations will need to cooperate in an effort to disarm themselves of weapons of mass destruction; to reduce harmful emissions which destroy ozone and warm the Earth to dangerous levels; to reduce consumption of the Earth's finite natural resources; and to cure and prevent diseases before they become global epidemics. Otherwise, we all risk self-destruction. In short, global peace, economic stability, and survival of the species provide powerful reasons for developing educational paradigms that stress cooperation over competition.


A second compelling reason for instilling in young people a sense of cooperation over competition is that effective leadership depends less on the latter than the former. A leader should show that he or she values the input of subordinates--for example, by involving them in decisions about matters in which they have a direct stake. Otherwise, subordinates might grow to resent their leader, and become unwilling to devote themselves wholeheartedly to the leader's mission. In extreme cases they might even sabotage that mission, or even take their useful ideas to competitors. And after all, without other people worth leading a person cannot be a leader let alone an effective one.


A third reason why instilling a sense of cooperation is to be preferred over instilling a sense of competition is that the latter serves to narrow a leader's focus on thwarting the efforts of competitors. With such tunnel vision it is difficult to develop other, more creative means of attaining organizational objectives. Moreover, such means often involve synergistic solutions that call for alliances, partnerships, and other cooperative efforts with would-be competitors.


Those who would oppose the speaker might point out that a thriving economy depends on a freely competitive business environment, which ensures that consumers obtain high-quality goods and services at low prices. Thus key leadership positions, especially in business, inherently call for a certain tenacity and competitive spirit. And, a competitive spirit seems especially critical in today's hyper-competitive technology-driven economy, where any leader failing to keep pace with ever-changing business and technological paradigms soon fails by the wayside. However, a leader's effectiveness as a competitor is not necessarily inconsistent with his or her ability to cooperate with subordinates or with competitors, as noted above.


In sum, if we were to take the speaker's advice too far we would risk becoming a world without leaders, who are bred of a competitive spirit. We would also risk the key benefits of a free-market economy. Nevertheless, on balance I agree that it is more important to instill in young people a sense of cooperation than one of competition. The speaker's preference properly reflects the growing role of cooperative alliances and efforts in solving the world's most pressing problems. After all, in a world in which our very survival as a species depends on cooperation, the spirit of even healthy competition, no matter how healthy, is of little value to any of us.
作者: 冷月钟笛    时间: 2011-11-5 13:40
感觉到明显的问题：写作文追求清晰简洁，最好具体事例一步到位，用过于笼统的理论剖析反而效果不好。比如领导者让队员参与讨论的例子，很简单，却表达了organize the team to cooperate的意思，很具体。这点受教很多~
作者: cqcn1991    时间: 2011-11-6 15:22
刚才写了一下，感觉还是流水账了
段落内的论证至今摸不着头脑(还是argument的论证好写)。如果去拼例子论证的话，我感觉是短板，不适合我自己
不知道你对于段内论证有什么想法。我想来想去，可能也就只能reasoning+if+for example+with/without+after all这种做法了……
我的提纲也大概说一下，不过这个Postion我自己都不是很满意

1.cooperation
1.1个体力量的渺小，面对大问题需要合作(global warming)
1.2因为全球化，个体的问题会扩散到全球(比如说卡扎菲战争啊，影响全球经济啥的)
2.some may argue that 竞争很重要：competition motivates; 没有竞争意识的话，如何excel别人？
3.
3.1 并没有negate competition: pressure within the team（不想拖后腿，别人都完成得好，你也得做好）
3.2 合作的目的就是为了更好的同组外的人竞争
3.3 合作之间的交流可以相互提高水平，而竞争却很难
3.3 inner direct, 单纯的为了竞争反而会危害，因为喜欢做这件事可以做得更好（这样的对level的追求可能远超出竞争的comparable edge）
4 But most importantly: we are different
compete = comparable, 但是这个世界是不一样的。你追求什么，我追求什么，没有必然的联系
一个社会并不需要去excel 另一个sociey

其实写到这里就发现自己的论证有问题了。因为有的领域是可比的，有的领域是不可比的
所以也就衍生出了另一个思路，分领域讨论：
可竞争的：体育啊什么的
不可竞争的：sociey什么的
作者: snowmelt    时间: 2011-11-8 09:35
我也想了一个提纲。冷月的语言挺丰富的。不知道我那种最直接的表达方式能值多少分：（

1. 竞争重要：political competition例如领导人选举：领导人意识到要加强自己对专业领域的认识、要注重个人的修养才能在选举中胜出，这样有助于选出最合适最优秀的领导人。经济方面，举个最简单的例子，两个价钱一样的商品，一个质量好一个质量不好，哪个受欢迎？同理，质量一样的商品，价格便宜的受欢迎。因此，经济上的良性竞争可以满足消费者的利益。体育方面，竞争提高整体水平。
2. 合作重要：全球化，很多世界问题需要合作：斗争恐怖主义；防治环境污染如海洋空气；节约能源等等。企业趋于专门化：生产不同的汽车配件的公司合作，造出质量好的汽车。
3. 但是，无论合作还是竞争都要限定在一个安全的范围内，防止恶性合作和竞争。例如：体育竞争过度，超出人体的极限，对运动员造成伤害；领导人竞争过度互相诋毁，败坏社会风气；恶性合作：垄断，some companies cooperate to monopolize the whole market in order to get tremendous profit by destroying other competitors.
作者: 竹林中人    时间: 2011-11-8 10:00
竞争和合作的目的只有一个，就是多方利益的最大化，如果不是多方就是己方。所以这两者只是手段，不是目的，什么时候合作，什么时候需要竞争，也不一定。
瞎扯了两句，只是看到后随便想的
作者: 冷月钟笛    时间: 2011-11-8 11:47
嗯嗯！很好的思路！我很有收获~ 我整理一下~
作者: 冷月钟笛    时间: 2011-11-8 11:48
我也想了一个提纲。冷月的语言挺丰富的。不知道我那种最直接的表达方式能值多少分：（

1. 竞争重要：political competition例如领导人选举：领导人意识到要加强自己对专业领域的认识、要注重个人的修养才能在选举中胜出，这样有助于选出最合适最优秀的领导人。经济方面，举个最简单的例子，两个价钱一样的商品，一个质量好一个质量不好，哪个受欢迎？同理，质量一样的商品，价格便宜的受欢迎。因此，经济上的良性竞争可以满足消费者的利益。体育方面，竞争提高整体水平。
2. 合作重要：全球化，很多世界问题需要合作：斗争恐怖主义；防治环境污染如海洋空气；节约能源等等。企业趋于专门化：生产不同的汽车配件的公司合作，造出质量好的汽车。
3. 但是，无论合作还是竞争都要限定在一个安全的范围内，防止恶性合作和竞争。例如：体育竞争过度，超出人体的极限，对运动员造成伤害；领导人竞争过度互相诋毁，败坏社会风气；恶性合作：垄断，some companies cooperate to monopolize the whole market in order to get tremendous profit by destroying other competitors.
-- by 会员 snowmelt (2011/11/8 9:35:51)



哇！大开眼界！收获不小！多谢G友大力分享！
作者: 冷月钟笛    时间: 2011-11-8 11:49
嗯 想得很有道理~ 这一层意思在开头和结尾应该体现出来~



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