标题: 一篇ISSUSE 牛牛们帮看看 [打印本页] 作者: linchen0211 时间: 2010-2-10 13:14 标题: 一篇ISSUSE 牛牛们帮看看 Issue :A company is not responsible for motivating employees ; instead, motivation is the employees’ own responsibility
The argument presents that it is the employees themselves rather than the company that should try their best to make themselves active and passionate with their works . Although it is true that a person is the main factor for his or her own improvement, we could not deny the role of the companies playing in the motivation of employees as a whole. I will discuss the issue from both of the sides and lead to my own conclusion as followed.
Admittedly , the internal force of a person is crucial to the progress in a certain fields. If one has a specific goal for his or her own, he or she would firstly encourage himself or herself .According to the philosophy of Marxism, it is highly appreciated that the internal motivation is essential for the development of things , which is analogous to the man’s development as man is the center of the development.
However, when it comes to the circumstance of a company , where humans work in the meaning of teamwork , it could be neglected that despite the motivation of the individuals ,how to activate the whole team for the achievement of the company’s goal plays important role of the development of the company. This topic is hotly discussed among many management professionals. They lead to a consensus that the manager ,on behave of the company ,is the key of the cooperation of the whole team or even the whole company. Without the managers’ effort of motivation, everyone in their positions just do their daily work ,no creation ,no further communication. That could only finish the work ,but doesn’t find breakthrough in the work ,which may contribute to the development not only for the work but also for the company.
Furthermore, combined with the internal motivation of people, they hope to be acknowledged by others , the acknowledgement will waken their potentials. In this aspect, the company ’s courage has a significant effect on a person. It could not only motivate the person to work for the company more vigorously by the means of financial incentive ,promotion and others , but also help the persons be recognized by others in the company. Additionally, others would be encouraged ,hoping of being praised, too.
In conclusion, it is fairly said that the company and the persons themselves are all responsible for the motivation for their own interests. With the company’s courage , one could find more confidence to self-motivation and then do a better job ,which would contribute to the development of the company.
语言方面：你的句子结构需要再练习练习，很多句子有语法问题，我发现你很喜欢使用it is the/that... 或者 it could...这样的结构有很容易造成指代不清。 比如你看你第三段的第一句话，这个“it could be neglected that” 就不太正确。另外，第一段“it is true that a person is the main factor”，这里a person 怎么能是factor呢？ 所以，我的建议是，你要简化句子结构，李笑来说过，写作文不是longer is better，而GMAT这样的机器改的，更不能出这么多错误了。特别是每段的第一句，不要这么长的句子。你看你第一段上来，就一个rather than的句式，里面茫茫多的their，themselves，还有that定语从句的修饰（这个从句修饰company，但你实际上是修饰employees的），这些都很有风险。第三段也是，段首句这么多逗号，而且还有语法错误，很容易让别人没办法提取出你的观点。所以我的建议是，每段的第一句话开门见山，说观点就行了，别搞得这么绕。
第三点，你说的也是-的。你在这段的最后才提到：“financial incentive ,promotion and others”。其实你大可以在开头就写出，sometimes the promotion and the financial incentive也是一种很好的激励方式。然后得稍微展开一下吧，比如说当员工工作很幸苦或者为公司作出了什么业绩时，这种金钱和晋升方面的激励对员工是一种很positive的feedback。