要特别说明一下，上传的AA和AI不是我当时临场的作文，因为我实在记不起全文是怎么写的了。但是我练了那么多，自己的那一套已经滚瓜烂熟了，考场作文思路跟我后期练习是大差不差的。所以，如果明白这两篇的思路缺陷，也就这道错在哪里了。
真得很不甘心，求求各位帮帮我吧。谢谢谢谢谢谢谢谢谢谢！
lz mm不嫌弃的话，可以看一下我的这片贴子 http://forum.chasedream.com/dispbbs.asp?boardID=26&ID=325046&page=1
先谈一下AA,
1。长句太多了，对于我们这种非英语母语的学生，尽量少用长句，一方面你很难保证长句的语法不会出问题，另一方面，E rater那篇文章里明确指出，太长句子，或是太短句子都会影响分数，
例如这句话，He reaches such a conclusion on the basis that the most important improvement for the company now is to promote the communication between the employees and the management, given the result of a survey, and that the company has already instituted a communication session to meet the need of the employees. 其实完全可以把这句话breakdown成三句话，用副词连接，表意会清楚很多，（而且有些词完全是没有必要的，如such a )
如果是我写，我会这么写
To justify his claim, the author cites the survey result based on response from employees of company X last year. Meanwhile, the author points out that this survey was conducted by letting employees to rank importance of issues which are presented in a list. Moreover, the author assumes that with the regular communication sessions conducted by senior manager, Company X's employees would feel their needs are satisfied. While the author’s argument has some merit, it suffers from several critical flaws.
2。我觉得although ..句式用得太多了，其实可以变换着用用别的转折句，例如，while...,...或者however,but,
3。ms lz的结构没有很清楚的identifier表示出来，让erater可以懂得的，
例如第二段，
To begin with, although the results of the survey conducted by the human resources department indicated that the most important concern of the employees is the communication problem, it does not mean that is the real problem existing in the company. The response made the employees may be a result of the will of the human resources. The entire survey course way be under the department’s supervise. That means, if an employee do not response as expected, they will receive a punishment from the department, for example, a reduction of the salary. Also, employees chosen to answer questions may be not representative of all the employees. All these factors affecting the result of the survey will have an negative influence on the declaration of the author.
好像lz每段都是以although开头，呵呵，但是TS不是很清楚，其实，第一句话应该明确指出错误是什么
To begin with, the author unjustifiably relies on the poll while the validity of the survey itself is doubtful.下面才是作解释，
lz可以试试我这个方法：Start）<TS>. =>
(Rebuttal)
(eg. However, this is not necessarily the case (Evidence) =>
For example(反例)=> Conclusion (eg. in fact, it is fallacious to draw any conclusion on the basis of such limited evidence)
每部分都要有清楚的identifier,让E Rater懂你写的是起什么作用的
其实我觉得lz mm AA的最大问题，就是连词，副词用得太少了，GMAT很看重逻辑，你从他的RC就可以看出，通篇很多转折连词，长句并不是很多，用连词，副词可以使你结构清晰，而且E rater也就是根据这些identifier来确认你逻辑的完整性
再谈一下AI,
总的感觉还是结构不够清晰，比如说你用了很多的if,then来说明因果关系，但是却没有副词在当中表示这些句子中的关系，lz试试我的结构模板吧，根据我对800 score和E rater的分析，应该是有效的
上面的MM分析的很有道理.
我觉得LZ可以考虑在下面几个方面改进:
１．避免句式过于单一：issue的那篇里基本上每段的首句都用的是同一个句子，这样缺乏变化，印象分大打折扣．你可以多看看别人怎么写的，适时变化一下句型．
２．尽量使用简单句，且要简单明了，最好每段第一句都能直接了当的把论述中的错误指出来，我觉得ＭＭ的文章看着有点云里雾里的感觉，呵呵，用这个词有点过分，其实ＭＭ写的很好了，我只是想从我的经验中给你点建议，因为你很谦虚努力认真，所以我也就不跟你打官腔，直接上主题了．
３．连词不多，有时不能清楚地分清你下边内容的意图，可以多用用moreover, however, yet, but...或者是在举例前写写for example, take my personal expereince as an example, in stance...这样考官就知道你为什么要写下边的内容了．
４．多分段：没必要每一段都那么多文字，尤其是我觉得有的段落上文字非常多，你可以考虑再开一个论点，哪怕是支持的论据少写一点也比围绕一个论点狂写要更容易上高分．这样可以显示你是很有想法的．
总之，４．５分并不很低，申请任何一所学校都够了，而且ＭＭ也很努力，我相信你一定会很成功的．如果我写的有不对的地方，还请你多多包涵．
太感谢了！看来我对AWA的细致雕琢还很不够。只知道盲目的写，忘了重要的细节。
大家的分析对我都很有启发！太谢谢你们了！！
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