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标题: 请各位牛人帮忙看看（风格和句式上有哪些需要改进）,TWE032 [打印本页]
作者: xiarilawage    时间: 2008-4-24 18:30
标题: 请各位牛人帮忙看看（风格和句式上有哪些需要改进）,TWE032

第一次太白痴了，写跑题了，这次又重写了一次，欢迎大家来拍砖吧！

31. Some people spend their entire lives in one place. Others move a number of times throughout their lives. What is your opinion? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. 

Nowadays, instead of staying in one place for all their lives, a myriad of people frequently move from place to place. Some of them move to other cities for a good job, others for a good working or living environment. There is still a large amount of people, who spend their entire lives in one place. As far as I am concerned, however, I prefer moving a number of times throughout my life. In the following, I will present the reasons to support my standpoint. 

First and foremost, if your promotion opportunity in the present company is not very clear, maybe there is a better job for you in another place. Of course, associated with the rapid development of population, it is harder to get a good job than ever before. Meanwhile, all of us want to lead a high quality life.Therefore, the normal way to approach such kind of life is to find a job in a big city, which means high paid salary to support your family. For instance, if you are in India and you have made a name in computer program realm, you may find a more paid job in America or Europe. You can make a big fortune if you work in a famous international firm. You, of course, might take account of moving to another place. 

In some places, since there is no sign that the pollution of these areas is able to get better, people there might want to move to another place with a good environment. These days, considering people's living environment, numerous people would like to choose to live in suburb where the air is usually clear, the sky is always blue, and the river is pacific. As a proverb puts it 'Wealth is nothing without health', health is attached with more concern than ever before. Once he previous living environment is affected by various pollutions, people would consider move to another place. 

It is not easy, however, to move from a place to another, especially when the family is a big one. People, who have moved a number of times, must spend lot of money to transport furniture, suitcase, and electric appliances, and what's more, they might lose a lot of good neighbors and friends. Though it brings a lot of trouble, we can try to overcome these things. For instance, we can earn lots of money from the new occupations to meet the relevant cost, as well as get acquaintance with new neighbors and friends. In the new places, we might even find a good school for our children. 

Through the well-developed analysis, we can draw the conclusion that moving to another place can offer a better job opportunity, working condition and living condition. It is obvious that its benefits outweigh its shortcomings. No doubt should we choose to move to good places, especially places offering more job choices and good environment.


[此贴子已经被作者于2008-4-26 22:25:04编辑过]
作者: xiarilawage    时间: 2008-4-24 19:34
自己先顶一下！
作者: kamaka    时间: 2008-4-25 20:48
以下是引用xiarilawage在2008-4-24 18:30:00的发言：

首次发稿，脑门冒汗，希望大家多指点一下！

32.  

Is it better to enjoy your money when you earn it or is it better to save your money for some time in the future? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.  

According to their occupation, different people hold different attitude towards money. Entrepreneurs, for example, would put large majority of their money on business, obtaining more money. For most of us, however, we would plan how to take the full advantage of it. As far as I am concerned, instead of saving it, I would enjoy my money by planning how to spend them in the best way.

[The topic is mainly about which is better, so, you should make a choice between them and justify the one you choose is better. You can use some specifical examples to illustrate your opinion. you can choose either choice, but, I don't think "planning how to spend them in the best way" is a good answer for the topic. for, you deviated the topic.]
作者: xiarilawage    时间: 2008-4-26 18:08

总算有回复的了！！嘿嘿....

晕！！光顾着想essay大方面的谋篇布置以及风格方面呢，我看了一下自己写的垃圾，又回想了一下当时，题目确实没好好分析，而且有些东西似乎给看漏了！汗！！！

多谢kamaka同学指点，而且我觉得这点确实很重要，只有好好分析了题目，才能有可能很好地develop个人的arguments。文章又写了一次，换了个观点，我把原来那篇删了，再看看吧。

 P.S.:

请各位不用给面子，尽管拍砖！作文这东西，说实话，我一直读到高中都没弄明白是怎么回事，惭愧！不过我会努力地！


[此贴子已经被作者于2008-4-26 22:26:33编辑过]
作者: kamaka    时间: 2008-4-27 10:44

我觉得挺不错啦。赞一个

作者: EI717July    时间: 2008-5-1 15:33

Nowadays, instead of staying in one place for all their lives, a myriad of people frequently move from place to place. Some of them move to other cities for a good job, others for a good working or living environment. There is still a large amount of people, who spend their entire lives in one place. As far as I am concerned, however, I prefer（as far as i am concerned 和 i prefer 去掉一个） moving a number of times throughout my life. In the following, I will present the reasons to support my standpoint. 

First and foremost, if your promotion opportunity in the present company is not very clear, maybe there is a better job for you in another place. Of course, associated with the rapid development of population, it is harder to get a good job than ever before. Meanwhile, all of us want to lead a high quality life.Therefore, the normal way to approach such kind of life is to find a job in a big city, which means high paid salary to support your family. For instance, if you are in India and you have made a name in computer program realm, you may find a more paid job in America or Europe. You can make a big fortune if you work in a famous international firm. You, of course, might take account of moving to another place. 

In some places, since there is no sign that the pollution of these areas is able to get better, people there might want to move to another place with a good environment. These days, considering people's living environment, numerous people would like to choose to live in suburb where the air is usually clear, the sky is always blue, and the river is pacific. As a proverb puts it 'Wealth is nothing without health', health is attached with more concern than ever before. Once he previous living environment is affected by various pollutions, people would consider move to another place. 

It is not easy, however, to move from a place to another, especially when the family is a big one. People, who have moved a number of times, must spend lot of money to transport furniture, suitcase, and electric appliances, and what's more, they might lose a lot of good neighbors and friends. Though it brings a lot of trouble, we can try to overcome these things. For instance, we can earn lots of money from the new occupations to meet the relevant cost, as well as get acquaintance with new neighbors and friends. In the new places, we might even find a good school for our children. 

Through the well-developed analysis, we can draw the conclusion that moving to another place can offer a better job opportunity, working condition and living condition. It is obvious that its benefits outweigh its shortcomings. No doubt should we choose to move to good places, especially places offering more job choices and good environment

观点不够明确，你的论据是要用来支持论点的，像however后面那么多话，完全可以用一句cause much trouble 来解决，要单刀直入，不要打太极。

作者: xiarilawage    时间: 2008-5-4 20:07

多谢大家提的意见，感觉收获不少，呵呵，谢谢！

作者: tonygao1688    时间: 2008-5-18 22:28

如果限时条件下写出这样的文章,应该满分了





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