[求助]请牛牛们指点一下我的这篇习作. - ChaseDream

以下是引用bipedalism在2003-10-22 10:40:00的发言：
In this argument, the author concludes that workers are generally apathetic about management issue is false, or at least outdated. To support his conclusion, the author points out that in a recently published survey indicates that 79 percent of the nearly 1,200 workers who responded to survey questionnaires expressed a high level of interest in the topics of corporate restructuring and redesign of benefits programs.

（病句。去掉in。）

At first glance, the author’s argument seems to be somehow appealing, while closely examining the author’s logic and reasoning, we may find that neither these reasons provides sufficient support to the conclusion the author made and this argument suffers some serious logical flaws.

（第一个问题，注意了，文章开篇没几句，author这个词已经出现无数次了，这是作文的大忌讳，想办法多用替代词，或者he之类的。he出现多了不是罪过，可author就是了。

第二，应该是neither of these reasons。

第三，seem和somehow是一种很微妙的叠义。如果是100%的相同，就不是seem了，既然seem，就一定是somehow意义上的。所以，建议去掉后者。

总的来说，这段不错，稍微润色一些，会好更多。例如：

At first glance, this argument seems to be appealing. However, a closer study of his logic shows that neither of these reasons provides sufficient support to the conclusion and the argument he provides suffers from some serious logical flaws.）

First of all, the argument relies on a groundless assumption that the result of survey can indicates （indicate）the workers are apathetic about management is false, or al least outdate. However, the assumption is questionable because the author provides no evidence to support this crucial argument. The arguer （he 就行了，这个词有点蹩脚。也许这是模板中的词？我不知道。）fails to takes into account other factors that might cause or contribute to （重复，我明白你要表达的意思，可以说direct or indirectly cause。）the result that the survey shows. It is probable that the workers who responded to （the）survey are controled by some bigbrother; it is also probable that the workers who responded to survey have some other considersion （错字，consideration）to express them（错误，their） opinion （opinions）.

Any of these scenarios, if true, would （用could，表示可能发生。角度更客观。）show that the result of survey can not be accepted.

（到这里，我注意到show这个词也出现N次了。这句可以改为：
Any of these scenarios, if true, could lead to a rejection of the result of the survey.

还有一个细微问题，我发现你的survey总是不加冠词。这是个常见的语法错误。可数名词的前面一定要有冠词，定或不定，总之，要限定它一下。）

Therefore, without ruling out these factors or presenting strenger （stronger）evidence, the author cannot conclusively assert that workers are generally apathetic about management issue is false, or at least outdated.

（我意识到，这句话可能是题目中的原句。不过，那也不要一字不变的重复，这样一来，会影响你的文章的美观。来吧，改变一下句式：

..., the author cannot conclusively assert that it is false, or at least outdated to think workers are generically apathetic about management issue.

是不是好一些了呢？）

In addition, the evidence that the author provides is insufficient to support the conclusion. One instance is rarely sufficient to establish a general conclusion. Unless the arguer can show that 1,200 worker is （are ）representive of all workers and that corporate restructuring and redesign of benefits programs is （are，这里是两个问题，由and连接着，不要用is。）representive of all aspects of management issues, the conclusion that worker are apathetic about management issue is false, or at least outdate is completely unwarranted. In fact, in face of such limited evidence, it is fallacious to draw any conclusion at all.

In conclusion, this argument is ineffective because the author commits the above-presented logical mistakes. The author should strengthen the conclusion that the workers are generally apathetic about management issuse is false, or at least outdated.

以下是引用anchoret在2003-10-29 11:30:00的发言：
谢谢Taurus的帮忙

以下是引用bipedalism在2003-12-2 23:24:00的发言：
耶,挖坟挖到宝贝了,太谢谢Taurus了.之前偶怎么没有注意到你的回帖,太可惜啦
偶现在正在准备二进宫,呵呵,你的指点太有帮助了
对了,你给我指出的一些错误就是原来得摸板上的.最近AA和AI各写了十来篇,总也觉得摸板有些蹩脚,看来就是这些问题了.
请牛人们继续指教哦,呵呵呵,小弟在此先行谢过......

以下是引用casamila在2003-12-6 17:20:00的发言：
可不可以问bipedalism
你上次考试awa的argument,多少分?