标题: <Tim老师批改范例欣赏>2019.1.12论坛Arthurhoo [打印本页] 作者: 写作老师Tim 时间: 2019-1-12 13:17 标题: <Tim老师批改范例欣赏>2019.1.12论坛Arthurhoo Do you agree or disagree the following statement?
It is more important for governments to spend money to impove internet access than to improve public transportation.
All the governments around the world are committed to offering their citizens a better circumstance in every aspect.（同义词不要乱用，没有a better circumstance的这种说法，这是中式表达。因为circumstance是抽象概念；而你要说的就是大环境envrionment。词语准确性大于词语多样性。因为多样性不一定加分，但是词语使用不准确一定会扣一些分数。） Since the budget is limited, the government will make a big effort to find an optimal financial plan.（后面感觉少东西，政府财政计划为了干什么？感觉没说完） Some choices, such as spending more on Internet access than（or） pubic transportation, always confuse the decider.（这一句话感觉很奇怪，突然引入的internet和transportation，还是放在such as中，从句子完整度上面有一点儿突兀。） But after taking furthur insight into this problem, we would easily tell the nuance （tell the nuance?nuance通常用在感觉，没有办法说出来。比如，这两个人的眼睛好像，但是那种微妙的差别说不清楚；或者女生对闺蜜说，我感觉我男朋友对我没有以前好了，和以前有差别了，但是在什么方面我也说不出来。）between these options, and surely to invest more on the improvement of Internet access.（最后一句话别忘了告诉考官，是你认为政府应该更多的投入在互联网发展上）
开头的时候还是要小心，不要让内容变得非常突兀。有的时候你可以把自己写的内容翻译成中文看看是否合适。比如，开头再说政府一直给人们提供方方面面的支持。但是资金有限，所以要有财政计划。这个部分都是在介绍背景。接下来，就是要引入主题。internet 和transportation都是四大投资里面的内容：基础设施建设。 所以，我会把你的第二句话连起来：Since the budget is limited, the government has to make great efforts to find an optimal plan of investment, especially for infrastructure, the most signficant part of national development. Two cases are put forward for improvement: one of which is internet access, and the other of which is transportation for public. In my opinion, ..... 对比一下上面你写的内容，引入主题绝对不是为了改写而存在，更重要的是内容的连贯性。
For one thing, I can not imagine what one day without Internet would be.（你很难想象没有网络回事怎么样，和为什么政府要投入在互联网上发展是两回事。你并没有回应政府为什么要这样做。你没有办法现象的不是政府一定要做的。） As a marketing employee, I need to send and receive Emails, check the data from online system, and even make a facetime with my parents after work. Not to mention the teleworkers and teleschools, which are becoming more and more prevalent. The better access to Internet, the more convenient we can utilize it. We now have 5G network, and connect WIFI in almost every public building, a tendency means the urgent need from us.
Further, as long as an Internet is there, we could do much more things by our electronic devices than before, thus maximizing the time of our life.（修改：if governments spend more funds on improving internet, people will have more opportunities to maximize their time, doing more things than before.不要忘记你要论述的是和什么有关，是政府花钱要做事儿。） In the past, when I was in a long queue to buy a coffee, I could do nothing, but move slowly and look around. At present, I can browse the latest news through my phone connected with Internet, or learn English from online course. This is a wise way to full use the fragment of time.
All of us can feel the difference the Internet made in our lives, and it also changed our needs. Public transportation indeed bothered us years before, but many companies have enacted policies to get over it. Telework and non-conventional schedule are such ways that help people avoid the congestion of public transportation. As a result, the request of improving this system is not as intense as before.
额，这一段我没看懂你的point和你想传递的意思。我用了我们中式思维和是西式思维，都没有理解你这一段要表达的实际意义和目的是什么。 这就是我之前说的，大家总喜欢自己说自己的，然后没有point，这种情况特别容易出现考官的评语：it is not easy/hard to follow这个评价。
To sum up, spending more money on Internet access will satisfy the interest of majority, and doing so may also help certain issues in public transportation.