标题: <Tim老师批改范例欣赏>2019.1.10来自论坛Arthurhoo同学 [打印本页] 作者: 写作老师Tim 时间: 2019-1-10 12:25 标题: <Tim老师批改范例欣赏>2019.1.10来自论坛Arthurhoo同学 Do you agree or disagree the following statement? Governments should spend more money in support of the arts than in support of athletics such as state-sponsored Olympic teams.
As the the development of the society, more and more people have enough time and money to pursue the joy of art.（首先四六级开头，早已在很多考官眼里被视为“垃圾”开头，实在因为看的太多了，我从来不会让我学生写这样的开头，这是会被我骂的！我给你写一个，你可以作为参考：All the governments around the world are committed to providing their citizens with a better living standard in every aspect.） In other words, the art market is prosperous. As a result, the appeal of more resource spent on art is emerging.（第二句和第三句完全可以合在一起，修改：In other words, they have to spend a great sum of money on social or human development.） Nontheless, this issue is controversial that whether it is a wise choice to cut down the fund for athletics to cater to the need of art market.（最后一句又是很常见的四六级模板句，引争议的方式很多种，换一种方式远远比这种要好；此外，题目并没有说cut down the fund，只是在哪方面做更多的投入，这是两回事儿；修改：However, nowadays, there is a school of thought that government should lay more emphasis on professional sports development rather than art construction.）
开头段少了一个最重要的部分，你的观点！ETS官方在agree or disagree的题目中明确要求学生在开头明确自己的观点。因为这是在问你的态度！所以，千万不要在模仿某些范文的写法（某些范文当时我带到ETS的时候，人家连25分都没给！我还笑着说，这在我们国内是满分范文，他们当时就表示：That is really misleading.）记住，你的态度是考官检查你全篇文章逻辑的核心！
First, the cutting-edge technology brings a fever for all citizens' interests.（观点句完全不知道和主题的关系，尖端的科技和政府投资有什么联系？） Based on the statistics survey, there are more than seventy-eight percent of people like sports in our world.（引用数据法虚假嫌疑，官方在引用数据的需求中需要有权威出处，如果只是说一个数字，他们会认为你是编的；此外，大部分人喜欢运动和前面的尖端技术还是没有联系，至少我用考官想法是看不懂之间的逻辑。） An government would not choose to sacrifice the interest of majority.（仍然没有和尖端科技有任何联系） The playgrounds built for the athletics, provide areas not only for the atheltes, but also for the residents.（这一句话的目的是为了解释什么吗？因为你前面三句话没有对运动员做任何铺垫和解释，突然的引入运动员是没有逻辑的。） It is a win-win policy to support the athlectics.
作为中间body段来说，一定要围绕自己的态度来论述。你想要论述的是应该给运动员方支持？那么我要看到的是为什么要给他们更多的支持，他所带来的优点在哪里。所以对于这一段来说，如果考官看的话很有可能会判断你跑题，也就是你effectively addresses the topic部分要丢分了。
Moreover, though top sports stars, such as James, Messi, get great rewards, most of athletes always obtain a low salary（大部分运动员收入很低所以才要多投资吗？这很难成为一个说服别人的观点，此外，obtain是急需得到的意思，不可以和get互换，因为obtain是要有前后联系的。）. Meanwhile, such people do need more exercises and sports infrastructures that usually cost a lot, to make progress.（运动员训练和前一句挣得多少薪水之间没有关系；他们的确需要运动设备训练，可是怎样突出支持？大到政府都要大力支持？这个程度如何突出出来是很重要的；并且还要说明这种投资很值得，绝对不是因为运动员的薪水很高。） Contrast to a soccer player, who needs specific coach and playground, a painter may only need a canvas and a few strokes to depict his idea.（论述偏激，运动员不仅仅是足球运动员，用足球运动员举例子太过于特例；特例是不可以作为例子的，因为他不符合普遍现象；支持艺术更多是博物馆，本土文化，画家也是一部分特殊群体！）
举例子如果举特例的结果就是，考官认为你这个人太偏激，或者他认为你对题目有误解！
Last but not the least, money is a method of support from governments, but not the only way to do so. For instance, giving the art committee a warrant, thus an artist can hold a impressionism exhibition in a street or a school, instead of a spacious museum. Maybe this kind of art show would attract and affect more pedestrains besides the fans, thus giving the artist greater sense of achievments.
