AA013 写得及其恐怖，请大家帮忙改改吧，这样的东东能得几分啊？ - ChaseDream

以下是引用besideMars在2005-9-14 17:17:00的发言：

这篇文写得及其恐怖，因为掐时做的。

估计要改的地方很多，NN帮忙看看吧，改错不用收下留情的说（屏息咬牙ing～～～）

13. The following appeared as part of a campaign to sell advertising time on a local radio station to local businesses.

"The Cumquat Cafe began advertising on our local radio station this year and was delighted to see its business increase by 10 percent over last year's totals. Their success shows you how you can use radio advertising to make your business more profitable."

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In this argument, the author concludes that one can make business more profitable by using radio advertising on its local radio station. To support his (or her) statement, the author cites the statistics that The Cumquat Cafe began advertising on local radio station this year and was delighted to see its business increase by 10percent over last year's totals. At first glance, this conclusion is to some extend reasonable, but it cannot be logically accepted because it suffers from some dubious point as follow.

First, （不用加by，这是个分词结构） citing a fact that the Cumquat Cafe began advertising on local radio station this year and gain its business increase by 10 percent over last year's totals, the author suggests that the business increase of Cumquat Cafe is due to its advertisement on its local radio station. However, it is unwarranted that the advertisement is the most essential reason for Cumquat Cafe's business increase, because there are many factors that could make effort on a business corporation, such as internal management and market competition. 其实可以再加几句，例如：The assumption cannot be warranted unless other factors are considered and ruled out.

Second, using the fact in Cumquat Cafe, the author concludes that one can make its business more profitable by advertising, regardless the differences between Cumquat Cafe and many other kinds of corporations. In general, it cannot be expected that one corporation gains profits through advertising then other corporations will follow the same way to reach the same end, unless there are persuasive causes or specific reasons.

Third, even though the above two dubious points can be logically clarify, the author cannot make his (or her) conclusion before making further investigation on comparing the business environment between this year and the coming year, since the profits of a company are due to a lot of factors beside that of the company itself.

To sell advertising time on a local radio station to local businesses, the author's statement is weak and oversimplified.(感觉这句话的语法不太对) To make it become more convincingly（去掉）, the author should focus on the three points which are mentioned above and make more systematically and strictly research on them before make a conclusion.

总体结构不错，逻辑错误找的也没什么问题。mm可以看看七宗罪的表达，这样说看起来比较能唬人。另外正文第一段可以再多写一点，可以给人感觉有轻有重，结构也比较合理。