鼓起勇气发一篇自己写的AA11 - ChaseDream

自己修改作文的能力很差，发一篇上来，请大家指正！轻点拍啊！别把我的勇气又给打回去了！

`In the first four years that Montoya has served as mayor of the city of San Perdito, the population has decreased and the unemployment rate has increased. Two businesses have closed for each new business that has opened. Under Varro, who served as mayor for four years before Montoya, the unemployment rate decreased and the population increased. Clearly, the residents of San Perdito would be best served if they voted Montoya out of office and reelected Varro.~

In this argument, the author concludes that the residents of San Perdito should vote Varro again as the mayor. To support his conclusion, the author claims that the population has decreased and unemployment rate has increased the in the first four years that Montoya has served as mayor of the city. Then the author further point out that in the Varro years such situation is on the contrary that the population increased and the unemployment rate decreased. And last, the author assumes that the depressed economy was caused by the mayor of the city. These arguments seem to be solid and reasonable at the first sight, however, we can find out how weak and irrational it is if we look deeper into this argument. I will point out why the conclusion is problematic from the following aspects:

To begin with, the author oversimplified that the population decreased and the employment rate increased do necessarily mean that was Montoya cause. The author has obviously overlooked other factors that might contribute to the result that the economy is depressed. It is possible that the global economy is declined, not only the city of San Perdito subject to this depression, the other city and even whole country is facing such situation. From this example, we can see that the author attributing the good economical condition to the Varro is not convinced. Thus, we cannot accept this conclusion without ruling out such possibility.

Another problem with the argument is that the author rests on a groundless assumption that the more closing businesses than the opening businesses mean that the economy is not thrive. However, the author did not provide any evidence to prove his views. He fails to take into account that maybe such activity is helping development of the city. It is likely that the old businesses cannot make profitable and always cannot make the both end meet but the new businesses can gain much more profits. It is also likely that the old businesses put out so many wastes to damage the environment of the city. But the new businesses can avoid these things. All the factors, if true, would show that closing the old businesses can benefit the city. Therefore, unless the author can provide other possibilities, this argument is unwarranted.

To sum up, this argument is weak. To make this argument illogically acceptable, the author must provide the strong evidence to prove that the population decreased and the employment rate increased was caused by the Montoya. And the author also has to point out that closing the old businesses really injured the economy of the city.

以下是引用zj1179在2005-7-5 23:16:00的发言：

In this argument, the author concludes that the residents of San Perdito should vote Varro again as the mayor. To support his conclusion, the author claims that the population has decreased and unemployment rate has increased the in the first four years that Montoya has served as the mayor of the city. Then the author further points out that in the Varro years such situation is on the contrary that the population increased and the unemployment rate decreased. And last, the author assumes that the depressed economy was caused by the mayor of the city. These arguments seem to be solid and reasonable at the first sight, however, we can find out how weak and irrational it is if we look deeper into this argument. I will point out why the conclusion is problematic from the following aspects:

1、the多余~另外major前面要加the...单数可数名词不能单独存在~：）

2、in the Varro years 这个表达不大好吧~during the years in which Varro has served as the mayor...类似的...

3、下划线部分感觉有点太多了，复述性的文字不宜多于观点性和反驳性的文字，可以把这部分内容缩写为一两句话，或者穿插在后面两段具体的攻击段落中，作为目标错误来描述...第一段这样，对题目的重复性太大...

To begin with, the author oversimplified that the population decreased and the employment rate increased do necessarily mean that was Montoya cause. The author has obviously overlooked other factors that might contribute to the result that the economy is depressed. It is possible that the global economy is declined, not only the city of San Perdito subjects to this depression, but also the other cities and even the whole country is facing such situation. From this example, we can see that the author attributing the good economical condition to the Varro is not convinced. Thus, we cannot accept this conclusion without ruling out such possibility.

1、the population decreased and the employment rate increased 不能做主语，要么在前面加上 the fact that...使之变成主语从句；或者把这个并列句改成并列的名词短语：the decrease of the population and the increase of the employment rate...

2、that was Montoya cause也不是太对...不好意思...我觉得直接把cause改成动词形势更简洁~~~are necessarily caused by Montoya's mayorship.

3、not only后面应该有but also对应...单复数要注意对应~~偶觉得highlight处的is应该改成are,因为是对应的 cities and country...不确定，再讨论~

4、两个the 都有点多余...下划线两句话有些重复~

Another problem of/in the argument is that the author rests on a groundless assumption that the more closing businesses than the opening businesses mean that the economy is not thrive. However, the author does not provide any evidence to prove his or her views. He fails to take into account that maybe such activity is helping the development of the city. It is likely that the old businesses cannot make profits and always cannot make the both end meet but the new businesses can gain much more profits. It is also likely that the old businesses put out so many wastes to damage the environment of the city. But the new businesses can avoid these things. All the factors, if true, would show that closing the old businesses can benefit the city. Therefore, unless the author can provide other possibilities, this argument is unwarranted.

1、highlight处句子有问题。

2、is helping现在进行时态没必要;development前面加个the,感觉顺一些。

3、can 多余，去掉，provide改成provides; evidences 比possibilities合适吧？

To sum up, this argument is weak. To make this argument illogically acceptable, the author must provide the strong evidence to prove that the population decreased and the employment rate increased were caused by the Montoya. And the author also has to point out that closing the old businesses really injured the economy of the city.

1、从逻辑意思来看，应该是logically acceptable, 而不是illogically

2、the population decreased and the employment rate increased 问题同前

1、mm好像很喜欢运用动名词，可是有些时候动名词显得繁杂又说不清楚，不如用从句~~一句套一句~又加长篇幅，又说明白事儿~而且doing 表示正在进行和强调过程...一些强调结果的状态的情况下就不大适用。

2、美国的习惯，没说男女，一定不能有歧视，认定作者是男的，我也一直很困惑难道都写the author, the author...the author?? 但是我觉得如果非要用代词，还是写he or she吧~~如果题目中没有明确指出作者性别...

字数够了，可是感觉有些重复，两个理由还是有些显得不够饱满。

结尾段结束得太仓促，是否掐时间作文，来不及总结陈词？最好有一句清楚的topic sentence...美国人就喜欢找ts...做gmat阅读的时候就可以看出来了~~~ 如果是来不及充分阐述结尾，建议把模版背熟，实战时，先把首尾段和中间两三段的第一句按模版写出，再慢慢填充中间两三段的具体驳论阐述，这样至少文章完整，结构清晰。

mm的闪光句型看上去钻研过一些~~可是写作的时候最好闹钟有个清晰的思路，因为有很多闪光句型是类似的语言和意群~~说过的话，不需要再重复用另外一个句子在论述一遍了...(个人观点，也有人认为，管他三七二十一，把字数凑够，多写废话，高分就有保证~~也是有一定道理的...毕竟改卷的人没办法向我们这样细细捉摸你的作文，据说他们每片awa的批改时间只有3分钟左右...汗！)

但有个清晰的思路，对awa的写作会有很大的帮助...考场上别慌，镇定！能帮你很大的忙！

mm写的总的来说不错~不过偶们要以更高的要求来要求自己，对不？所以要注意一些习惯性的错误，比如the 的用法啦，单复数搭配拉~~不要粗心哦！