蘑菇作文贴：每周都得写点儿什么

mygirlzini

1 受母语影响的现象比较明显
2 语句之间的逻辑链不够严谨
3 句子和词语的多样性需要加强
改得有点多,仅仅是个人观点,欢迎QQ交流

小蘑菇开始打怪

mygirlzini 发表于 2014-9-5 17:39
1 受母语影响的现象比较明显
2 语句之间的逻辑链不够严谨
3 句子和词语的多样性需要加强

many THX！
改得真的超级认真啊！

mygirlzini

小蘑菇开始打怪 发表于 2014-9-5 17:54
many THX！
改得真的超级认真啊！

嘿嘿 改的过程对我也是很好的学习过程 要感谢我们在写作路上能结伴共行一段

小蘑菇开始打怪

[0906]It is much easier to achieve success without help from one’s family than in the past
People are always talking about the problem of success. Older generation often says that we, as young man, has a more glorious atmosphere to achieve success even without the help from family. I am totally agree with it for several reasons.

For one thing, we could have access to more information on the Internet to achieve success. In the old age, people can only get informed by others. There was a limitation for them to update to the latest information. However, thanks to the development of Internet, it seems not to be a problem for us to catch with the information we want. For instance, if you want to find an internship on finance, you could browse the BBS or other social network websites. The Internet provides us with a great platform to spread messages and get valuable resources we want.

Additionally, the companies stress more on the capabilities of the applicants rather than who are their parents. We all hear about the story about if the man has a rich parent, then he will have a promising future no matter how well he can overtake the work. The magic of so-called background thing has faded away these years. More and more people who is work hard and have great capabilities come to power even though they are poor before and have no support from their parents. Success depends more on how well you can handle the tasks than who are your parents.

The last but not least part of my reasons is that the help from friends seems more important and weight a large part of success. As the old saying goes, a friend in need is a friend indeed. It is the friend who gives us unfailing support even though we face a dark future. Take my own experience as an example, when I was suffering from preparing for my English test, my friend Gary really helped me a lot. I could not count on my parents to tutor my test since they know little English. Gary was so nice that he accompany with me to study and told me how to practice listening and speaking skills. Finally I got a satisfying scores much beyond my expectation.

To sum up, we have an air of freedom to achieve success without the help from parents today. Utilizing the Internet, building up own skills and seeking help from friends can lead us to finally realize our dream.

越写越渣。。

loverony713

小蘑菇开始打怪 发表于 2014-9-7 11:05
[0906]It is much easier to achieve success without help from one’s family than in the past
People a ...

[0906]It is much easier to achieve success without help from one’s family than in the past
People are always talking about the problem of success. Older generation often says that we, as young man, has a more glorious atmosphere(个人感觉修饰不得当) to achieve success even without the help from family. I am totally agree with it(it不能指代一句话) for several reasons. 【开头过于简单 要是考场实在写不出来就套用一个高级模板吧...】

For one thing, we could have access to more information on the Internet to achieve success. In the old age, people can only get informed by others(加一个orally?). There was a limitation for them to update to the latest information. However, thanks to the development of Internet, it seems not to be a problem for us to catch UP with the information we want. For instance, if you want to find an internship on finance, you could browse the BBS or other social network websites. The Internet provides us with a great platform to spread messages(感觉有点冗余 provide有这个固定搭配么?) and get(动作发出者和动词不匹配) valuable resources we want.
[这一段古今对比写出来了 但是语言过于简单...内容也不是很生动... 可以把找到intership这个过程细化一下~比如你想找哪个工作 在什么网站上看到什么样的信息 所以就有了什么样的机会和经验....等等... 具体一些 字数不就多了嘛！！]

Additionally, the companies stress more on the capabilities of the applicants rather than who are their parents (rather than前后对比的词 形式和内容要相同). We all hear about the story about if the man has a rich parent, then he will have a promising future no matter how well he can overtake(vt. 赶上；压倒)? the work. The magic of so-called background thing has faded away these years. More and more people who is work hard and have great capabilities come to power even though they are poor before and have no support from their parents. Success depends more on how well you can handle the tasks than who are your parents.
[这几句话我感觉就是重复论点啊 你得说出来用什么样的能力 handle了什么样的工作 最后如何成功了...加一个具体的小栗子便于理解.....]

The last but not least part of my reasons is that the help from friends seems more important and weight(这是高级表达么?) a large part of success. As the old saying goes, a friend in need is a friend indeed. It is the friend who gives us unfailing support even though we face a dark future(让步有点诡异). Take my own experience as an example, when I was suffering from preparing for my English test, my friend Gary really helped me a lot. I could not count on my parents to tutor my test since they know little English. Gary was so nice that he accompany with me to study and told me how to practice listening and speaking skills. Finally I got a satisfying scores much beyond my expectation.
这一部分朋友的细节太少

To sum up, we have an air of freedom(高级词汇?表达什么意思?) to achieve success without the help from parents today. Utilizing the Internet, building up own skills and seeking help from friends can lead us to finally realize our dream.

小蘑菇开始打怪

loverony713 发表于 2014-9-7 21:52
[0906]It is much easier to achieve success without help from one’s family than in the past
People ...

超级谢谢！！你的文章我明天改！月饼节快乐么么~

小蘑菇开始打怪

[0907-integrated]TPO17-342 words

Due to the fast growth of human population and the increase demand in agriculture and use of pesticide, the number of birds shrinks accordingly. The passage claims three factors and reasons that result in the decline of birds population. However, the professor just states a conflicting idea and beats the arguments one by one.

For one thing, the lecture discusses that because of the constant expansion of human settlements, the birds' natural habitats will continue to disappear. It may be true but it is not convincing with more consideration. Actually, thanks to the development of modern urban, the government can provide better and larger habitats for birds. The number of some kinds of birds is shrink but some others grow.

Additionally, contrary to the belief in the passage that the agriculture activities hinder the growth of birds and destroy their homes, the professor says that the prediction and reasoning in the passage is too fast. The circumstance will not take place in recent years. And the reality is that the speed of expansion is lower and lower. On the other side, the farms have been aware of the problem so they transfer to plant some productive crops. In this way, the farmers can yield more from with limited acres of land. There is no need to expand the farm land.

The last point shown in the reading material is that with the increase use of pesticide, birds will eat more insects polluted by pesticide. However the listening presents a completely different main idea that the article cannot use the history to make a misleading forecast since the situation has changed a lot. Both scientists and farmers get aware of the pollution so they come up with two solutions. First, farmers are using a new type of pesticide which does less harm to the plants. Second, thanks to the development of new technology, farmers can choose to plant pest resistant crops. What is more surprising is that the crops do not hurt birds so the birds population will not decline as described in the article.

loverony713

小蘑菇开始打怪 发表于 2014-9-9 21:02
[0907-integrated]TPO17-342 words
Due to the fast growth of human population and the increase demand  ...

Due to the fast growth of human population and the increase demand in agriculture and use of pesticide, the number of birds shrinks accordingly. The passage claims three factors and reasons that result in the decline of birds population. However, the professor just states a conflicting idea(不是三个论点么?) and beats the arguments one by one.

For one thing, the lecture discusses that because of the constant expansion of human settlements, the birds' natural habitats will continue to disappear. It may be true but it is not convincing with more consideration. Actually, thanks to the development of modern urban, the government can provide better and larger habitats for birds. The number of some kinds of birds is shrink but some others grow.(如果加上falcon那些细节就更完美了)

Additionally, contrary to the belief in the passage that the agriculture activities hinder the growth of birds and destroy their homes, the professor says that the prediction and reasoning in the passage is (are)too fast(想表达什么意思?). The circumstance will not take place(感觉主谓搭配不是很一致..) in recent years. And the reality is that the speed of expansion is lower and lower. On the other side, the farms have been aware of the problem so they transfer to plant some productive crops. In this way, the farmers can yield more from with limited acres of land. There is no need to expand the farm land.

The last point shown in the reading material is that with the increase use of pesticide, birds will eat more insects polluted by pesticide. However the listening presents a completely different main idea that the article cannot use the history to make a misleading forecast since the situation has changed a lot. Both scientists and farmers get aware of the pollution so they come up with two solutions. First, farmers are using a new type of pesticide which does less harm to the plants. Second, thanks to the development of new technology, farmers can choose to plant pest resistant crops. What is more surprising is that the crops do not hurt birds so the birds population will not decline as described in the article.

loverony713

小蘑菇开始打怪 发表于 2014-9-9 21:02
[0907-integrated]TPO17-342 words
Due to the fast growth of human population and the increase demand  ...

其实我的作文都是自己默默修改过的 如果不重听根本写不了这么好 真是头疼。。。

ps我看到你有整理数学基金 简直太伟大了。。。总是因为数学杀鸡失败。。。哎。。。望指点。。。。

小蘑菇开始打怪

loverony713 发表于 2014-9-9 22:39
其实我的作文都是自己默默修改过的 如果不重听根本写不了这么好  真是头疼。。。

ps我看到你有 ...

我数学。。大概因为是理科森吧。。两次考试都是只看机经，然后二战的时候做题认真仔细放慢了pace什么的。。始终认为数学只要认真仔细加上机经50绝对没问题~