M酱的作文帖 {8.27已更新} 让砖块来的更猛烈些！！

Mint静默

感觉我的时间和大家的不太对呀！
我是第二天白天（最迟下午）写好前一天的作文，先说明一下哦

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Mint静默

18 Aug「Today」
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?The opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than to older people.

这个题目没什么思路啊！不懂The opinions of celebrities are more important to younger people than to older people. 这比较之间的逻辑

[351 words]
Some people hold the view that the opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, sometimes have negative impacts on younger people. The reasons why they think so are that younger people are easy to be misled by others and older people usually make decisions based on their own perspective. This statement suffers several critical flaws.

First and foremost, it is undeniable that younger people have not developed their own thinking system.  However, the increasing number of younger people who are led to the right way by celebrities cannot be neglected. Kobe, the famous basketball player in NBA, is the idol of many boys. At an interview, a journalist asked him the reason why he is so successful. He said that he knew what Los Angles looked like every day at four o’clock a.m. His hardworking and persistence inspire younger people a lot. My brother Jeff once had no goals in his life. Since that he became fascinated by the excellent performance of Kobe in the NBA, he saw Kobe as his idol. Kobe’s virtues have deeply influenced him. Now my brother practices basketball at every morning and hopes to be an excellent basketball player such as Kobe one day.

Further, younger people are easier affected by the opinions of celebrities, such as dressing style. Take me as an example. I usually read some fashion magazines in my spare time. If I see some beautiful dressing styles on magazines, I will search for clothes in such a style when shopping. Miranda Kerr is one of my favorite models. I tend to mimic the dressing style of her. The opposite case comes to my mother. She merely changes her dressing style and is hard to be influenced by others’ opinions.

The phenomenon that most younger people are blind and have no idea about future has been worsen. Tutoring by influenced people is helpful for them. Through learning the virtues of celebrities, we younger people can not only shape our values but also avoid some obstacles in life. That's why I think the opinions of celebrities are more important to younger people than older people.

修改后：

[431 words]

Some people hold the view that the opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers andathletes, sometimes have negative impacts on younger people. The reason why they think so is that younger people are easy to be misled by others because their thinking systems have not developed entirely. On the contrary, older people usually make decisions based on their own perspective. I totally disagree with the argument.

First and foremost,it is undeniable that younger people have not developed their own thinking system and are likely to be misled by inappropriate opinions.  However, the increasing number of younger people who are led to the right way by celebrities cannot be neglected. More and more adolescents live meaningful and productive lives thanks to the celebrity effect. Kobe, the famous basketball player in NBA, is the idol of many boys. At an interview, a journalist asked him the reason why he is so successful. He said that he knew what Los Angles looked like every day at four o’clock a.m. His hardworking and persistence inspire younger people a lot. My brother Jeff once had no goals in his life. Since he became fascinated by the excellent performance of Kobe in the NBA, he saw Kobe as his idol, whose virtues have deeply influenced him. My brother practices basketball at every morning and hopes to be an excellent basketball player such as Kobe one day.

Further, although both younger people and older people have access to the opinions of celebrities. Older people have shaped their values, which in turn help them make aesthetic judgment. However, most of younger people are not able to make aesthetic judgment by themselves. Take me as an example. I usually read some fashion magazines in my spare time. If I see some beautiful dressing styles onmagazines, I will search for clothes in such a style when shopping. Following the models’ dressing styles save me a lot of time because I have no idea which clothes to buy. By contrast, my mother always knows exactly what she wants to buy without others’ suggestions. In a nutshell, celebrities’ opinions are more meaningful for younger people than for older people.

It is not uncommon that most of younger people are blind and have no idea about future. Tutoring by influenced people is beneficial to them. By learning from celebrities, we younger people can not only shape our values but also avoid some obstacles in life. For those reasons discussed above, we can safely make a conclusion that the opinions of celebrities are more important to younger people than older people.

xiaxiaya

Mint静默 发表于 2013-8-19 14:14
18 Aug「Today」
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?The opin ...

我也不知道这个题目到底表达了什么。。
看了第一段，有些GRE argument的味道。。。这样写TOEFL essay好像不太好~个人觉得。。批改开始~
因为我也不知道这个题目到底怎么写比较好展开，所以，批改只能局限于句子和段内结构了~整体思想和论点方面做不出很好的评价~楼主见谅

蓝色是值得我学习的好词句，红色是一些待考虑的地方，绿色是建议
Some people hold the view that the opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, sometimes have negative impacts on younger people. The reasons why they think so are that younger people are easy to be misled by others and older people usually make decisions based on their own perspective. This statement suffers several critical flaws.

First and foremost, it is undeniable that younger people have not developed their own thinking system.  However, the increasing number of younger people who are led to the right way by celebrities cannot be neglected. Kobe, the famous basketball player in NBA, is the idol of many boys. At an interview, a journalist asked him the reason why he is so successful. He said that he knew what Los Angles looked like every day at four o’clock a.m. His hardworking and persistence inspire younger people a lot. My brother Jeff once had no goals in his life. Since that he became fascinated by the excellent performance of Kobe in the NBA, he saw Kobe as his idol. Kobe’s virtues have deeply influenced him. Now my brother practices basketball at every morning and hopes to be an excellent basketball player such as Kobe one day.
（这一段的例子感觉写的挺好的，也和论点对应得很贴切~个人觉得，要是例子的细节少一点，本段1，2句后面加上对led to the right way做一下具体推理，比如一些明星有好品质->又对于年轻人影响力广泛->年轻人喜欢模仿或被他们inspire->使年轻人形成好品质，然后再用这个例子，会显得说理不那么单薄~不过这只是我自己的看法哈，我从来都写不出什么好的例证。。）

Further, younger people are easier affected by the opinions of celebrities, such as dressing style. Take me as an example. I usually read some fashion magazines in my spare time. If I see some beautiful dressing styles on magazines, I will search for clothes in such a style when shopping. Miranda Kerr is one of my favorite models. I tend to mimic the dressing style of her. The opposite case comes to my mother . She merely changes her dressing style and is hard to be influenced by others’ opinions.
（这一段可能是想写 “年轻人更容易受影响，所以对他们更重要” 。不过像本段首句那样表达出来，好像跟前一个分论点区分的不是很开。感觉换用另外的表述方式，会把论点间相似感减少一点，不过。。我暂时还没想出什么特别好的表述方法给楼主~）

The phenomenon that most younger people are blind and have no idea about future has been worsen(worsen 是动词来的，楼主想表达被恶化？个人觉得这个没有必要用被动哈，phenomenon gets/become worse 但是phenomenon 是不是能用worse来修饰的。。我没有查证到). Tutoring by influenced people is helpful for them. Through learning the virtues of celebrities, we younger people can not only shape our values but also avoid some obstacles in life. That's why I think the opinions of celebrities are more important to younger people than older people.

总的的来说，要说表达观点，因为我也感觉对这个话题没什么可说的。。所以楼主写到这样，应该也算是把观点表述完全了。但是总感觉，文章不那么足够丰富，恩，通俗一点就是显得不是很能说、表述不是很多的样子。不过我感觉，主要是因为这个题目太恶心。。。楼主的说理和例证结合的很好，这个是我要学习的，语法错误应该也没有特别明显的。

虽然我没有什么好的方法解决这个题目，不过在批改楼主的作文的时候突然想到的，与楼主共勉：如果真考场碰到这种题目，其实顶多也就两段论证，不过想要拿高分，在没有话说的时候，形式就显得更重要了。也就是说，么有话说，至少也要显得自己语言能力很牛，这就只有靠多用华丽的句型和词组了~

【网上找了一些思路，这是秀文老师的提供的思路】恩，看到这个以后，我打算重新写一次了，这个题可是12年的机经哎~
问题核心：名人意见对年轻人更重要的原因。即X对A更重要，而不是对B更重要的原因。这一类型题目也挺多，注意套用固定解题思路模式：
A需要X，B不需要
AB都需要X，但是A更紧迫
A可以被X影响，B不能被X影响

相对应的：

年轻人需要名人意见指导自己的行为（励志），成年人不需要

名人可以引导新文化走向，大家都需要接触这些新动向，但是年轻人更需要。（如，名人代言，推荐新科技产品，年轻人更紧迫需要这些产品为生活服务，因为他们是面对第一次选择。成年人可以暂时用已经掌握的）

年轻人的思维价值观可以被名人影响（如台独问题），成年人往往已经形成完善的人格，没办法被影响。

Mint静默

TPO12
[265 words]
The speaker argues against the three pieces of evidence mentioned in the reading passage, which prove the teenage girl in the portrait is Jane Austen.

First of all, the speaker points out that it is hard to prove that Jane Austen is the subject in the portrait. Although Austen's family permitted to use the portrait as an illustration in her letters, the letters were published in 1882. Jane Austen has already dead for 70 years in 1882. It is probable that her family have not seen her at all. So, the speaker criticizes her family’s endorsement that the girl in the portrait is Jane Austen.

In addition, the speaker argues the reason why the girl in the portrait is similar to the girl in Cassandra's sketch is that the girl is one of Jane Austen's relatives, not herself. The fact that Jane's family is large and consists of many teenagers when Jane was young contributes to this argument. This is in direct contradiction with the argument in reading passage.

At last, the speaker raises the issue that the painting is created many years later than when Jane Austen was a teenager. Although there is no date signed in the painting, the stamp back on the painting provides evidence that Jane Austen is not the subject of the painting. The stamp was owned by William and he started to sell canvas when Jane was 27 years old.

All in all, the contents in the reading passage are totally rebutted by the speaker and the speaker has totally different ideas on the topics made in the reading.

xiaxiaya

Mint静默 发表于 2013-8-19 18:54
TPO12
[265 words]
The speaker argues against the three pieces of evidence mentioned in the reading p ...

红色是值得考虑的地方~蓝色是好词好句

The speaker argues against the three pieces of evidence mentioned in the reading passage, which prove （proves） the teenage girl in the portrait is Jane Austen.

First of all, the speaker points out that it is hard to prove that Jane Austen is the subject in the portrait. Although Austen's family permitted to use the portrait as an illustration in her letters, the letters were published in 1882 (前面让步完之后，感觉就没东西了其实把这句去掉，直接接到后面那句就OK了) . Jane Austen has already dead for 70 years in 1882. It is probable that her family have not seen her at all. So, the speaker criticizes（是批评家人吗？我没看听力原文。。。） her family’s endorsement（这个词很好~我老是记不住） that the girl in the portrait is Jane Austen.

In addition, the speaker argues the reason why the girl in the portrait is similar to the girl in Cassandra's sketch is that the girl is one of Jane Austen's relatives, not herself. The fact that Jane's family is large and consists of many teenagers when Jane was young contributes to this argument. This is in direct contradiction with the argument in reading passage.

At last, the speaker raises the issue that the painting is created many years later than when Jane Austen was a teenager. Although there is no date signed in the painting, the stamp back on the painting provides evidence that Jane Austen is not the subject of the painting. The stamp was owned by William and he started to sell canvas when Jane was 27 years old.

All in all, the contents in the reading passage are totally rebutted by the speaker and the speaker has totally different ideas on the topics made in the reading.

【个人感觉没有结尾其实也可以的，省下结尾的时间还能多写点细节~】

Mint静默

xiaxiaya 发表于 2013-8-19 15:41
我也不知道这个题目到底表达了什么。。
看了第一段，有些GRE argument的味道。。。这样写TOEFL essay好像 ...

xiaxia改的好认真，感动，向你学习！如果你要重新写，我可以再帮你改~~~（由于个人没有思路，只能改些语法错误和逻辑啥的了。。。）

xiaxia好眼力，刚从Gmat转战来托福，这是我写的第一篇独立，还没转过弯来，见谅哦！

你说的名人代言，推荐新科技产品的举例很切题，期待你的下一篇作文。

再次感谢~~~

Mint静默

xiaxiaya 发表于 2013-8-19 19:49
红色是值得考虑的地方~蓝色是好词好句

The speaker argues against the three pieces of evidence mentio ...

恩恩！~我会继续改进的

xiaxiaya

Mint静默 发表于 2013-8-19 23:16
xiaxia改的好认真，感动，向你学习！如果你要重新写，我可以再帮你改~~~（由于个人没有思路，只能改些语 ...

哦哦~~那个思路是后来我找到的，是坚果科技章秀文老师的思路，你可以到**上搜“我是秀文”或者秀文老师，听听他的**学堂的课~~感觉小众，不过很不错哦~

Mint静默

xiaxiaya 发表于 2013-8-19 23:43
哦哦~~那个思路是后来我找到的，是坚果科技章秀文老师的思路，你可以到**上搜“我是秀文”或者秀文老师， ...

= =我晕，你写的话全被屏蔽了

xiaxiaya

Mint静默 发表于 2013-8-19 23:45
= =我晕，你写的话全被屏蔽了

。。。郁闷。。不让宣传竞争对手。。。就是share with u 啦~

今天的任务完成，碎觉去了~