新人作文。。求批改。。

Kate1992

liaxiaowanzi 发表于 2013-8-13 20:36
8.13 独立作文 38分钟 330 word  

--Independent Writing：

观点：同意提早做准备。
提纲（1）好的idea会在准备过程中或做好准备工作后涌现，消耗时间等待不一定会有好的idea
（2）提早准备减少了工作出错的机会。但提早准备也不是意味着盲目实施，，要制定合理科学的计划。

黄色是值得我学习的地方~绿色是需要注意修改的地方~
With the increasing of competition 【竞争增加感觉不是很地道呢】in our sociaty【With competition in today's society becoming much fiercer】, people 【are】confronted with more stress so that 【they，应该要加主语的吧】always want to do everything perfectly in their work. 【这里的跳跃性太大了，想要做的完美一下就presentation了，可以说一下presentation是非常的common，而且非常的important，所以需要做好，然后再过渡到debate】In this pre-condition, A【a】 heated debate be 【is】given: When you are assign 【被动，assigned】an important presentation for 【at】work or school, you prefer to work or school,【删掉】you prefer to work on it right now or wait until your inspiration come【s】 on【up】 about the presentation? In my personal 【view，这里要加一个名词】, I prefer to work on it right now in order to working 【work】on it everyday a little bit.【点题，赞一下】
【作文要注意逻辑啊，思路越清晰越好~~每句话都不能白写~~】

      To began with, 【赞过渡】writing good idea or inspiration isn’t best way to aheive your goal. 【这句话理解不能，lz是不是想表达开始的想法不一定是最好的，准备的过程中会不断涌现出好的想法】In other word, it 【it的指代是什么？】may gain your inspiratin or good ideas 【better inspiration or ideas usually come up】in the procession【process】 of preparation. When you are in preparation【During the preparation】, you may be 【去掉】learn more information, 【and】this information can be the foundation of your good idea. For instance, 【这个例子不能说明前面的观点呢，你可以举例说 一次presentation，刚开始我没有好的想法，但是我早早准备，查阅了很多文献，最后突然灵光闪现，想出了一个非常有深度而且有创意的想法，经过长时间的refine，最后得到了很好的成绩】in the stage of my high school, I always have push 【have always delayed 】my homework  in the excuse of that I have not a good idea. it lead 【leads】to my failure in my study. 【我没有好的想法，所以我延期-----》失败，这个逻辑有点跳跃】Thus, we should be good at regulating our time to do the assigment and told us three words: just do it.【点题不好，这个点题是“合理安排时间”，没有体现出早】【可以说 所以我们要早早准备，先不用担心有没有想法，想法可能就在你准备的过程中出现】
【lz的立意是好的：可以在准备过程中找到自己的灵感，不去做就不可能有灵感呢~也是看了你的利益我也才想出了上面的例子】
【但是要注意语法问题啊，可能是限时写的所以没注意，在考试的时候要留2分钟检查拼写语法，错的少没关系，错的多了会影响成绩的】

      Secondly, it is indispensible that we should keep 【leave】some time to examine our assignment, because was should consider that we are inevitable to make a mistake. 【大赞立意！！！，这个点 找的非常好！！学习了】I think that it is unluky to found 【find】the mistake you have done when you have to hand 【in】 your work. 【说明很到位】A survey by BBC told that almost 90% elites prefer【ed,主句是过去式，从句不是真理就要是过去式】 to work on their assignment at time when they know the work. 【表达的可以更好一些，as soon as  they are assigned the tasks】However, “Just do it” don’t 【doesn't】mean you haven’t aim to do your work,【没能理解这句话】 it is helpful to regulate your plan scientifically.【Only】 in this way can we achieve 【finish】our plan perfectly.【加only才可以倒装】
【注意到有一个点，就是assignment出现的次数太多了，presentation在哪里？，最好点题的说】
【这段的立意是好的，但是后来的举例就感觉力道不够啊，立意本来就是时间多了可以好好检查错误，但那个survey和这个立意关系不大啊，没联系上“错误”啊】
【举完两个例子可以加一段，可能肯定你否定的那个观点一下，但是比较来，还是你的观点观点好，这个感觉逻辑更加严谨了】
       To sum up , In the premise of having an plan scientifically, Iwill choose to work on it right now. what’s more,we should work on it at time and never push the assignment on the excuse of writing my inspiration.
【我觉得lz的立意真的是非常非常好！！！】
【但是要注意逻辑，如何由A推到B】
【还有语法问题，要注意呀！】
【大家一起努力，加油！！！！，fighting~~】

liaxiaowanzi

Kate1992 发表于 2013-8-14 19:43
观点：同意提早做准备。
提纲（1）好的idea会在准备过程中或做好准备工作后涌现，消耗时间等待不一定会有 ...

谢谢Kate1992的认真的批改，这篇写的我都不忍直视了，写到吐了。。竟然还都被认真的指出了，感动啊。。。

Kate1992

liaxiaowanzi 发表于 2013-8-15 20:06
谢谢Kate1992的认真的批改，这篇写的我都不忍直视了，写到吐了。。竟然还都被认真的指出了，感动啊。。。 ...

我觉得你的立意很好的~~刚开始写都这样，练几篇就好了，坚持啊！一起努力！

liaxiaowanzi

坚持看了几天慎小嶷的十天突破，感觉无论在思路还是单词各方面有了新的认识，从今天开始天坚持写作文。。。。。力求25++++++

liaxiaowanzi

8月23日独立作文
Some people claim that the best way to fulfill themselves tasks is to prepare in advance so that they have enough time to think and design. In fact, it is impossible that we waste much time focus on the only one assignment, specially, when we are faced with numbers of course during one term, meanwhile we never ignore the most important factor-efficiency.
An adage told that the inspiration are the king and the efficiency is the queen. in other word, the crucial factor to success is get your task done in less time. Admittedly, it is worth to encourage that prepare your presentation ahead of time. However, it is bind to waste you precious time without an desirable idea .what’s more, if we have not some good ideas, we can not ahevie our presentation on high quality level.By that I mean we can begin to fulfill our presentation after an inspiration coming, which clearly be showed by an survey of BBC that 90% of successful people will achieve their work after some desirable ideas coming.
It is realistic that we can do more assignment in limited time with the help of inspiration. As for college students, they have so much course to learn that have not enough time to focus on one presentation. If they can save the precious time to join some useful organizations until their ideas come, they will benefit more skill and knowledge. However, there are some student delaying their work with the excuse of waiting for their inspiration or idea. those excuse can cause their work in low quality, even in the end they haven’t enough time to achieve it. In this condition, the ability of control-self is important to us.
For those reasons, an desirable idea is the crucial factor to achieve your work in high academic level. Granted, it is beneficial to do one high quality presentation  after some desirable coming. But it is not mean waiting is equal to delay . we should get our tasks done in more efficient way , it need to wait for our inspiration coming .

liaxiaowanzi

3.24 独立
No issue is more essential than education, as the same time , teachers play an essential role in educational issue . so an heated issue is coming: teachers were more appreciated and valued by the society in the past than today. From my perspective, it is an fact that nowadays students are more independent to their teachers than in the past.

There is a fact that nowadays more and more students just no longer relay on their teacher when they was absorbed in dilemma. On the contrary, students tend to have more ways to seek help. Along with the rapid progress of internet comes more choices to students who meet puzzles or difficulties, such as, they can inquire the ways how to overcome their puzzle from experienced people in twwite or facebook, and they can get more professional directions. However, in the past, students have no more ways to learn how to solve their puzzles in addition to ask their teachers. Thus, nowadays , it seems that teachers was less dependent by their students when students can work out their puzzles in various kind of ways.

On the other hand, with the advent of an tend that today students’ extracurricular activities are more colorful and more plentiful, we cannot deny that, compared to some professional mentors, teachers are less professional in certain field when students want to seek help. For instance, last semester, I was plan to lose weight, but blindly diet will have an terrible affect on my daily study in school, so I find a BBS about losing weight on the internet so that many experienced people and professional nutritionists give some practical suggestions and healthy recipes, which cannot be provided by my teachers in school. We can conclude that teacher cannot solve everything for their students.

Admittedly, nowadays students are less dependent to their teachers than in the past. However it doesn’t meant that teachers are less appreciated and valued in the nowadays than in the past, because teachers play essential roles in our society and students. In the process of learning knowledge, teachers can make students learn knowledge more systematic and more efficient. Moreover, not only can some great teachers provided effective methods , but also they can be mentor on the road of our life.

We can conclude that nowadays students are more independent because they can seek mentor in some ways in addition to ask their teacher. Furthermore, teachers are less appreciated and valued by our society in the nowadays than in the past.

悬月清辉

3.24 独立
No issue is more essential than education, as the same time , teachers play an essential（前面刚刚用过了，建议改个同义词，不然会感觉词汇量不丰富哦~ps:表示基本必要的形容词主要有crucial, vital, elementary, primary等） role in educational issue（同上） . so an heated（形容问题略有不妥，hot 或popular更好一些） issue is coming: teachers were more appreciated and valued by the society in the past than today. From my perspective, it is an fact that nowadays students are more independent to their teachers than in the past. （引题挺直观的，除了有些小词要注意以外，行文都很流畅。）

There is a fact that nowadays more and more students just no longer relay（rely） on their teacher when they was absorbed in（这个词主要意为“全神贯注于”，放这里不太妥，encounter更好一些） dilemma. On the contrary, students tend to have more ways to seek help. Along with the rapid progress of internet comes more choices to students who meet puzzles or difficulties（感觉这句好像缺主语呢）, such as, they can inquire the ways how to overcome their puzzle from experienced people in twwite or facebook, and they can get more professional directions. However, in the past, students have no more ways to learn how to solve their puzzles in addition to ask their teachers. Thus, nowadays , it seems that teachers was less dependent by their students when students can work out their puzzles in various kind（kinds） of ways.(古今论证的很好~)

On the other hand, with the advent of an tend（此为动词，应改为名词tendence） that today students’ extracurricular activities are more colorful and more plentiful, we cannot deny that, compared to some professional mentors, teachers are less professional in certain field when students want to seek help. For instance, last semester, I was plan to lose weight, but blindly diet will（would） have an terrible affect on my daily study in school, so I find(found) a BBS about losing weight on the internet so that many experienced people and professional nutritionists give(gave) some practical suggestions and healthy recipes, which cannot(could not) be provided by my teachers in school. We can conclude that teacher cannot solve everything(感觉every problem 更合适一些) for their students.（这段论点方向依旧很棒，只是注意一下时态就好~）

Admittedly, nowadays students are less dependent to their teachers than in the past. However it doesn’t meant that teachers are less appreciated and valued in the nowadays than in the past, because teachers play essential roles（同第一条） in our society and students. In the process of learning knowledge, teachers can make students learn knowledge more systematic and more efficient. Moreover, not only can some great teachers provided effective methods , but also they can be mentor on the road of our life.

We can conclude that nowadays students are more independent because they can seek mentor in some ways in addition to ask their teacher. Furthermore, teachers are less appreciated and valued by our society in the nowadays than in the past.（按照第四段的逻辑，个人认为最后应该是偏中立的态度，上段刚说 it doesn’t meant that teachers are less appreciated and valued，这段就说了相反的话，逻辑略混乱呢。或是第四段的论证可能我没理解透，LZ若是想表达不重要并不表示不尊重的话，建议还是改为一个继续说现在就是不尊重的论点~~ ）

LZ行文非常流畅~只需让词丰富一些应该就会更好了！另外，以上建议仅个人观点，LZ还需再三考虑，如有不妥还请多多包涵(*^__^*)  加油！

悬月清辉

不好意思啊，今天改晚了