新新新手，求狠批~

Mint静默

kelly记得看我作文啊啊啊啊~~

kellyzhou0000

8/21 独立写作
父母應該多陪孩子玩遊戲或體育運動，還是陪孩子做和學校學習有關的事情？

Parents are the most intimate people tochildren. In order to cultivate children with healthy personality, positiveinterests and hobbies, parents are required to play different role in children’schildhood. Whether parents should play games with children or assist with schoolrelated works, in my opinion, children in different ages have different needs.

For the children under five years old, that isto say the age for kindergarten or younger, the most of time which parentsspend with child should on games. As we all know, children in such a small age iscurious for everything they witness, such as the running cars, colorful flowers.At the same time, they cannot receive the way of teaching like school.Therefore, parents need answer all their curiosities through games. What’smore, I think small children should not be asked to learn knowledge likeforeign language, for the immature understanding may have side effect to futurelearning. All they need is fun games all the time. So it is more appropriatefor parents to enjoy games with children in this period of time.

However, if your child is a pupil student, thecore accompany from parents should be moved to school related works. The firstreason is that children start to accept a complex knowledge system includingmath, language, physics and so on. As skilled learners, parents shouldaccompany with children and show them the right way to learn the strange but appealingknowledge. For example, parents could teach children how to hold a pen, how tofigure out a solution use formulas, and how to comprehensive a physicalphenomenon. Helped with parents, children would develop good habit toward studywhich is benefit great for their rest of lives.

What’s more, the situation may not so easy forparents whose children are in adolescence. Children in this period tend to behaveunique and violent which go contrary to what parents expect them to do. Theyeven enjoy doing things against their parents directly. For example, childrenchoose to drink alcohol with friends because they are forbidden to do so.Parents need to know that disobedience of children is a natural process, theyshould play a role like closet friends. It is better for parents to think likean adolescent and communicate with children in their point of view. Using morecommunication and consulting instead of commanding, this way of accompany isfavored for children and make a family more intimate.

In conclusion, parents play indispensable roles in children’s life, theycould be game players, teachers or close friends. It is hard to say which roleis more necessary for children, for the care in different age is various.      

sisyphus1110

Parents are the most intimate people（感觉people有点怪怪的，但也想不到合适的词==） to children. In order to cultivate children with healthy personalities, positive interests and hobbies, parents are required to play different roles in children’s childhood. Whether parents should play games with children or assist (them) with school related works, in my opinion, children in different ages have different needs.

For the children under five years old, that is to say the age for kindergarten or younger, the most of time which parents spend with child should on games.(感觉有点不太流畅，修改建议- the age when they are (preparing for or -对应原文的younger) attending kindergarten, parents should spend most of time playing games with their children). As we all know, children in such a small age(修改建议-children at such a young age) is curious for everything they witness(修改建议-curious about everything they see), such as the running cars, colorful flowers. At the same time, they cannot receive the way of teaching like school (修改建议-they are not ready for a formal teching method used at school). Therefore, parents need answer all their curiosities through games. What’smore, I think small (修改建议-young) children should not be asked to learn knowledge like foreign language, for the immature understanding may have side effect to future learning. All they need is fun games all the time. So it is more appropriate for parents to enjoy games with children in this period of time.

However, if your child is a pupil student, the core accompany from parents should be moved to school related works. The first reason is that children start to accept a complex knowledge system including math, language, physics and so on. As skilled learners, parents should accompany with children and show them the right way to learn the strange but appealing knowledge（感觉有点奇怪）. For example, parents could teach children how to hold a pen, how to figure out a solution use(using) formulas, and how to comprehensive a physical phenomenon. Helped with parents(修改建议-With the help from their parents), children would develop good habits toward study which is benefit great for their rest of lives (which好像有指代歧义，修改建议-,and these good habits will do a great favor for the rest of their lives. ).

What’s more, the situation may not be so easy for parents whose children are in adolescence(修改建议-who have adolescent children). Children in this period tend to behave unique and violent which(修改建议-so that they) go contrary to what parents expect them to do. They even enjoy doing things against their parents directly. For example, children choose to drink alcohol with friends because they are forbidden to do so. Parents need to know that disobedience of children is a natural process(不太顺，但想不出太好的修改建议), they should play a role like closet friends. It is better for parents to think like an adolescent and communicate with children in their point of view. Using(With) more communication and consulting instead of commanding, this way of accompany is favored for(by) children and makes a family more intimate.

In conclusion, parents play indispensable roles in children’s life, they could be game players, teachers or close friends. It is hard to say which role is more necessary for children, for the care in different age is various(不太顺，但也没有太好的修改建议）

1. 先通读了一遍，感觉逻辑结构很清晰，用词很丰富，但有些地方觉得不是特别地流畅。
2. 第一次给别人改作文！我的基本功也不扎实，只能尽量提出些修改建议哈，还不知道是否完全正确，仅供KELLY参考：）

kellyzhou0000

8.22你同不同意 that  學生參加學校的 organization 和activities club is as important as   their academic class.  

Students get benefit from student organization or club activities  是不是  as much as their academic studies.  

It cannot be deny that students in this eraare more creative compared with last generations. Some of thestudents in engineering school may start their businesses in collage, others majorin mathematics may begin to white novels in their spear time. In my point ofview, thanks to the clubs and interests groups, they could enjoy suchmeaningful lives. So I agree with the topic, students get benefit from studentorganization or club activities as much as their academic studies.

  First of all, as we all know, academic studyis not the one and the only thing in our lives. So many skills are required injob market or office working, such as effective communication, appropriate wayof talking with people, courage of speaking in public. Compared with learningfrom books, practicing these skills in club activities may have better effect. Differentclubs or student groups have their unique targets to help with enhancing suchabilities. For example, there is an English oral speaking club in myuniversity, they tend to improve members’ speaking skills by settingsituational dialogues, so that they can practice oral English that fit in differentoccasions. Sometime the club will invite English native speakers to join theiractivities. Therefore, joining clubs can acquire skills which hard to learnfrom books.

  What’s more, attending clubs or studentorganizations can expand your network circle. More important is that networkcircle play a crucial role in working space or social communications. Morefriends you have, more way to conveniently deal with affairs. There is no denythat one of the mean reason for senior executives to join MBA classes ismeeting more people in same level. And the clubs and students organizationsprovide such a platform for students to meet more gays in school. It seemsdifficult to meet friends majored in another subject. However, joining clubscan. Besides, you can learn lots od merit from acquaintances to improveyourself. As an old Chinese saying, you can learn from everyone. So not only couldyour network circle be expanded by attending student organizations, but alsomakes you improve yourself. And these weigh more than academic studies infuture.

  Finally, I think take part in such activitieswill develop new interests and hobbies. The first reason is that you can getrelax through joining activities you interested in from heavy academic work.Riding bike with bicycle team to countryside may make you lighthearted, thenrecharge full energy to have academic research. The second reason is that thenew interests and hobbies may become your second job in future. In fact, notevery students get addicted to what they majored in school. For the student whocannot get a job according to not good academic work, cultivate a new interestis important. One of my classmates is not good at engineering, she lovesJapanese. And she went to further study in Japanese via self-learning.

  Admittedly, academic study isthe core work in school. However, we can get great benefits from clubsactivities or school organizations. Jointing with academic study and spareactivities may the best way to cultivate a successful student. So I believe clubactivities is the same important as academic work.

Mint静默

改完了~
思路神马的很对，但是遣词造句很成问题啊。

kellyzhou0000

23 Aug
學校或工作 Presentation 你習慣一個月前就開始準備或有 idea 後才晚一點開始進行

  Einstein oncesaid, 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent hardworking make a genius. We cannotignore the significant of idea or inspiration, however, completed preparationand work is the core of a program, so as for presentation. Therefore, in myopinion, people should prepare for the presentation once it is assigned beforepresenting.

  Admittedly, the shine point of apresentation is fabulous idea. With creative idea or inspiration, it is easy toappeal listeners to your presentation. One of my roommates is a cool student,she used to delay the presentation assigned by teachers for a long time, andbegan to do the related work one week before deadline, we sometimes worriedwhether she could finish in time. However, once she started, she always wentstep by step without hesitation or mistake, and finished in time with greatscore. She really surprised us, but she just a person who can deal good withtime and make detailed plan in mind before setting about her task. It cannot bedenied, few people can be like her. Idea is the soul of a presentation, but weneed time to achieve idea.

  First of all, huge amount ofmaterials are needed to collect in order to understand the presentation.However, huge amount of time are needed as well. Faced with a totally newtopic, take me as an example, I would collect all the information related tothe topic, then read all of them to find the best angle to present the topic.If I begin to prepare in early time, I have plenty of time to undergo thisprocess. What’s more, the process of collect and brows information can be theprocess of finding ideas. As we know, idea comes from a flash in your mind. Themore time you handle with the topic related work, the higher possibility to getan inspiration. So I think it is better to prepare the presentation in earlytime.

  Besides, the early you start withthe preparation, the more time you have to improve and perfect it. First, ifthere are some mistakes or wrong orientation, you are able to fix them becauseof the plenty of time. The mistake will be revised in a short time due to theinformation you have collect and the experiment you plan the presentationbefore. Second, you are allowed to practice your presentation to classmates orfamilies before showing to teachers or bosses. Few times of rehearsal caneliminate the tension in presentation. And this will help you present your talkfluently and confidently. It is not hard to give a good impression to yourlisteners.

  People withdifferent personalities and hobbies have different choice about the time toprepare a presentation. Someone may be able to handle it in short time,however, most of people need enough time to prepare. I do believe it is betterto start the work on presentation in an early time.

kellyzhou0000

Do you agree or disagree with the followingstatement? Movies and televisions should always show audience
good people are being rewarded and bad people arebeing punished.

Movie is chosen to be enjoyed and relaxed by people for mostsituations. However, the different kinds of movies tend to convey variouscontents to audience. Therefore, I disagree with the statement, I prefer to appreciatea movie that developed naturally according to the story line, good people arebeing rewarded and bad people are being punished is not fit for all movies.  

Firstly, I think the idea that good people are being rewarded andbad people are being punished is always shown in hero movies. Such as CaptainAmerican, spider man, iron man and etc. This kind of movie try to tell audiencethat justice can beat evil in any barriers or terrible situations. By this kindof movies, audience are persuaded to believe that good people are beingrewarded and bad people are being punished, so they can be confident about ourlife or society and try to do good things, even there is no heroes in realworld.

What’s more, in romantic movies, most people hope to see a happyending. As for me, I always choose romantic movie to relax myself. I try toescape from the stress, disappointed with life and society for a while byenjoying a romantic movie. I would like to witness that two people are fallenin love in the end and others who prevent them are getting in troubles andbeing punished as I anticipated. As we all know that life may not be satisfiedas we hope, so we always rest our dream on fictitious such as romantic movies.People hope good people to be rewarded and bad people to be punished could bepresent in movies, as far as I am concerned, this would be a consolation forpeople who are discontented with crucial life.

Besides, in my opinion, some sorts of movies like suspense movie andtragic movie. People who prefer these kinds of movies would like to watchsomething they cannot foresee in the movie. These movies usually not obey therule that good people being rewarded and bad people being punished. However,these movies will show audience different aspects of normal things happened indaily life. For example, I enjoy movies filmed by Chirstofer Nordland. Hissuspense movies are fabulous that you never see the ending you have guessed. Inhis movie, bad people may success or escape from the judgement of laws. Butevery ending in movie is so impression for audience to remember for a longtime.

Wecan not define how the story goes in movies, so the good people being rewardand bad people being punished can not present in every movies. Different moviesrequire different skills to present best aspect to audience. In conclusion, thestatement can not be used in every movies.

laneesherry

Movie is chosen to be enjoyed and relaxed by people for mostsituations. However, the different kinds of movies tend to convey various contents to audience. Therefore, I disagree with the statement, I prefer to appreciatea movie that developed naturally according to the story line, good people arebeing rewarded and bad people are being punished is not fit for all movies.  (开头开门见山，不好不坏）

Firstly, I think the idea that good people are being rewarded and bad people are being punished is always shown in hero movies. Such as Captain American, spider man, iron man and etc.（主题句里最好不要出现“I”之类的主观词，另外此句建议进一步精炼） This kind of movie try to tell audiencethat justice can beat evil in any barriers or terrible situations. By this kind of movies, audience are persuaded to believe that good people are beingrewarded and bad people are being punished, so they can be confident about ourlife or society and try to do good things, even there is no heroes in realworld.(本段缺乏具体例证，建议加上）

What’s more, in romantic movies, most people hope to see a happyending.（主题句太过“特例”，建议将romantic movies删去，放在后面当做例证） As for me, I always choose romantic movie to relax myself. I try toescape from the stress, disappointed with life and society for a while byenjoying a romantic movie. I would like to witness that two people are fallenin love in the end and others who prevent them are getting in troubles andbeing punished as I anticipated. As we all know that life may not be satisfiedas we hope, so we always rest our dream on fictitious such as romantic movies.People hope good people to be rewarded and bad people to be punished could be present in movies, as far as I am concerned, this would be a consolation for people who are discontented with crucial life.(本段注意句式的多样化和长短句结合，另外就是感觉说理太多例证太少？建议平衡下。）

Besides, in my opinion,（同上，最好不要在观点句主题句里出现主观词） some sorts of movies like suspense movie andtragic movie. People who prefer these kinds of movies would like to watchsomething they cannot foresee in the movie. These movies usually not obey therule that good people being rewarded and bad people being punished. However,these movies will show audience different aspects of normal things happened indaily life. For example, I enjoy movies filmed by Chirstofer Nordland. His suspense movies are fabulous that you never see the ending you have guessed. In his movie, bad people may success or escape from the judgement of laws. But every ending in movie is so impression for audience to remember for a longtime.（本段相对前几段来说组织得还算比较好，但是请注意统一下主语，有的时候是people有的时候是you的话读起来会给人一种chinglish的感觉）

W ecan not define how the story goes in movies, so the good people being rewardand bad people being punished can not present in every movies. Different moviesrequire different skills to present best aspect to audience. In conclusion, thestatement can not be used in every movies.

总体印象：
1.总中心思想和思路还算正确，逻辑基本上没有问题
2.注意提炼分论点的主题句
3.句式的多样性也要注意，总是I、we等开头的话会让人觉得过于主观，善用被动等特殊句型
4.读起来总体还是有一些chinglish的感觉，注意看多积累地道的英语表达

kellyzhou0000

9.11父母應該多陪孩子玩遊戲或體育運動，還是陪孩子做和學校學習有關的事情
Parents play significantly important roles in child’s life. Parents take care of child, sometimes they could be teachers to cultivate child with knowledge and experience; sometimes they might be friends to talk with child about secret story hidden in child’s heart. However, parents should give different term of accompany for kids in different ages.
  First of all, playing games are more needed for child of the ages between 3 to 6, even they are in kindergarten. Small kids are curious about everything they see, colorful flower, cute puppy, a bit of dust, and all these could be their toys. Thus parents should play games with kids in this period. Parents should show them fabulous world and inspire their imagination and creative by playing various kinds of games. As we all know, building blocks can improve imagination and practical ability.
  But once kids are old enough to go to school, the parents should contribute more to their study. There is no denies that some studying habits could have crucial influence on people. Parents should care more relative to study, such as how to hold a pen, how to deal with math work, how to behave in class. Besides, parents should tell child to think independently and try to solve problem by self rather to seek help. Of course, kids need some entertainment in spare time. Parents could play sports with them like basketball or swimming, which can build kid’s body as well promoting the relationship.
  Parents are required to be intimate friends when child being adolescence. Kids in this age tend to disobey and revolt to the rules, no matter in school or family. Parents should try to communicate with kids and thinking like an adolescent child. And it is better for parents to persuade child to talk as much as they can. Because through talking, parents would detect some ideas unbeneficial and conduct kids the right way. If parents could find the tendency as early as possible, kids may not have a chance to drink alcohol or be addicted to drugs.
  Parents involve all their life to child. However they need to present different aspect to kids when they are in different ages. Accompanies from parents have crucial importance for healthy growing of child, playing games or study tuition are both needed. Changing roles flexibly can help parents cultivate child better.

和善大叔

抱歉啊，来晚了~