Please help me review this essay and give my comment...

Swinerton

以下是引用tina_aya在2005-9-21 19:45:00的发言：

Can someone help me review this essay?  Is this good or not.  ls everybody advise comment to me.  Thks everyone help....^^

  In no more than five sentences, please describe the professional environment in which you envision yourself one year after obtaining your MBA. Please be as specific as possible, including job title/description, industry and if possible, firm.

Internationalization is a current trend. After one year MBA course, it will increase my business knowledge of ability and more depth international concept. Compared with the same age business people, my English communication skill is better and has better competition capability. When I come back to our company, I believe upon my ability that after had trained by your MBA course I will push our company to an international stage and being a more important role in company and earn more money.

no offense. you need to improve your writing a lot. too many grammar mistakes.

and, you actually did not tell adcome what you exactly want to do.

Swinerton

After having graduated, I will come back to Giftex Corporation Ltd. to continue its development.
~~~~~~~~~~ 你还没进呢，就完成时态了？                                               ~~~~~what development?

                                                                                                                                

Using the knowledge and skill to achieve my company the greatest efficiency with the smallest
amount of resources and labor and expand out operations into the world.

                                                ~~~ 后面有动词，and前面地动词跑哪里去了？

                                               ~~~~achieve my company the greatest efficiency with the smallest
                                                          amount of resources------ one word can explain everything OPTIMIZE!!!

After having plentiful
textile expression, I wish to join a renowned haberdashery brand name company.
~~~~~~~~~ what the hell does this mean?    ~~~~~~~~~ Wish更多是虚拟的意思

With my specialization in garments and marketing skill,
~~~~~~~~~~~ you specialize in marketing or marketing skill?

I believe that I will be able to understand more about the company's image,
helping the company to create a marketing strategy in
line with its brand name and to make tailor-made and suitable clothing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~好好读读语法书里的平行结构！！！

some comments:

1. Have you passed TOEFL and GMAT?

2. You have a long way to go to make up a readable article with just minor grammar mistakes.

3. I strongly suggest you to put off your MBA plan. Professors won't give a damn to your

    paper if I assume that you can be accepted.

4. Spend at least one year to go over high school English grammar, such as 动名词，动词不定式，

    各种从句， 平行结构， 虚拟语气等等。

It is too early to give any comments on whether you can convince adcom that you are the best candidate for MBA.

The first step is to make solid steps on improving your English.

No offense, but 脚踏实地 is the word I want to give you.