Francis菜鸟作文贴 恳请狠批

FrancisEvens

F头一次参加小分队哈~不合规矩之出烦请之出，一定改正~~

小女8.25的T，心情比较忐忑，但意志是坚定的

前两次Writing一个24一个22，这回务必冲上25。

全职实习中，回家尽量把综合也写喽

祝老朋友小朋友们信心不倒~

16 Aug
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
In the past young people are more depended on their parents in making decision. Today, young people are better able to make decisions in their own lives.

As the technology develops, more and more people are bounded together through multiple ways. One of many results of this progress is that most children have a faster access to the outside world, learn to communicate earlier, and shape their mind much more like an adult. So when the time comes, young people nowadays have already get used to make decision on their own, rather than depend on parents. Apparently, I agree that young  guys  are better able to make decisions in their own lives.

First to note is that, teenagers always have personal ideas about what kind of life they want to live, why on earth they persue this dream, and how they prefer to achieve that goal. Keeping the above three answers in mind, they have a guideline or a principle to judge an action. Even other people neglect their opinion, those guys full of dream would definitely insist in the way they chose. They are able to make decisions in their own lives, because they have a true dream in heart.

Another reason, which cannot be igored, is that not only children prefer to make their own decisions, but also parents are eager to improve the living ability of boys and girls, so nothing could beat them down when grown up. As the old saying goes, the earlier you practice, the better you will become. My parents trained me to make choice when I first faced a dilema. That was the forth year of my life, and I was worrying about whether to eat a big cake or to taste a delicious fruit, since there was no place in stomack for both of them. I remember that day till now and has influenced by the experience a lot. I really appreciate my parents for pushing me, because I truly benefit from that a hundred times.

What is more, there is something I would love to share for celebrating the progress about decidion making. “If farmers and blacksmiths can win independence from an empire, if immigrants could leave behind everything they knew for a better life on our shores, if women could be dragged to jail for seeking the votes, if a generation could defeat a deression, and define greatness for all time, if a preacher could lift us to the mountaintop with his righteous dream, and if proud Americans can be who they are and boldly stand at the altar with who they love, then surely we can give everyone in the country a fair chance at that great American dream. “

Just the same as American dream, everyone’s dream is a treasure, no matter how tiny it is. I believe youg people today can make dicisions on their own because they have free minds and will persue their dream till the last day.

lijinglol

As the technology develops（不建议用develop，可以用progress/grow）, more and more people are bounded together through multiple ways. One of many results of this progress is that most children (would)have a faster access to the outside world, learn to communicate earlier, and shape their mind much more like an adult. So when the time comes, young people nowadays have already get used to make decision(s) on their own, rather than depend on parents. Apparently, I agree that young  guys  are better able to make decisions in their own lives.



First to note is that, teenagers always have personal ideas about what kind of life they want to live, why on earth they persue this dream, and how they prefer to achieve that goal. Keeping the above three answers in mind, they have a guideline or a principle to judge an action. Even other people neglect their opinion, those guys full of dream would definitely insist in the way they chose. They are able to make decisions in their own lives, because they have a true dream in heart.
(这段字数偏少，可以补充例子和细节，比如你是如何力排众议chase your dreams的，否则略显空洞无力，建议大修)



Another reason, which cannot be igored, is that not only children prefer to make their own decisions, but also parents are eager to improve the living ability of boys and girls, so nothing could beat them down when grown up（？这句话逻辑主语不是nothing吗……）. As the old saying goes, the earlier you practice, the better you will become. My parents trained me to make choice when I first faced a dilema（dilemma）. That was the forth year of my life, and I was worrying about whether to eat a big cake or to taste a delicious fruit, since there was no place in stomack for both of them. I remember that day till now and has influenced by the(that) experience a lot. I really appreciate my parents for pushing me, because I truly benefit from that a hundred times.（我觉得这个例子……有点……浅……如果一定要说这个例子的话，建议加上这是如何影响你的未来的做个对比）



What is more, there is something I would love to share for celebrating the progress about decidion making. “If farmers and blacksmiths can win independence from an empire, if immigrants could leave behind everything they knew for a better life on our shores, if women could be dragged to jail for seeking the votes, if a generation could defeat a deression, and define greatness for all time, if a preacher could lift us to the mountaintop with his righteous dream, and if proud Americans can be who they are and boldly stand at the altar with who they love, then surely we can give everyone in the country a fair chance at that great American dream. “
（……这就结束了么……有点意犹未尽云里雾里，因为我还没看出这个和decision making 有神马关系……其实你如果背得好的话完全不用说这是背的呀~前面加点引言这个当例子后面加个总结）



Just the same as American dream, everyone’s dream is a treasure, no matter how tiny it is. （只总结了第一个论点？）I believe youg people today can make dicisions on their own because they have free minds and will persue their dream till the last day.

FrancisEvens

感谢 lijinglol 的修改，指出的结构、论述方面的问题都很切中要害。我的作文向来说理不足，内容不充实，又是数着字数在写，总算找到症结。
红色是改后部分

As the technology develops（不知道为什么不建议用develop？）, more and more people are bounded together through multiple ways. One of many results of this progress is that most children would have a faster access to the outside world, learn to communicate earlier, and shape their mind much more like an adult. So when the time comes, young people nowadays have already get used to make decisions on their own, rather than depend on parents. Apparently, I agree that young  guys  are better able to make decisions in their own lives.

First to note is that, teenagers always have personal ideas about what kind of life they want to live, why on earth they persue this dream, and how they prefer to achieve that goal. Keeping the above three answers in mind, they have a guideline or a principle to judge an action. Even other people neglect their opinion, those guys full of dream would definitely insist in the way they chose. Similar to the singer of Jiuyue Legend, who was an accoutant before standing on stage, a few famous artists did arranged, by parents, another career instead of being active on this performing area. But not similar to their ordinary accomplishment previously, the successes these artists now achieve are definitely remarkable. And this path of success is their own decisions in life. Without the persistion in dreams, none of us could define "the right thing to do". But adolescent are able to make decisions in their own lives, because they have a true dream in heart.
(这段字数偏少，可以补充例子和细节，比如你是如何力排众议chase your dreams的，否则略显空洞无力，建议大修)



Another reason, which cannot be igored, is that not only children prefer to make their own decisions, but also parents are eager to improve the living ability of boys and girls, to make sure nothing could beat them down when grown up. As the old saying goes, the earlier you practice, the better you will become. My parents trained me to make choice when I first faced a dilemma. That was the forth year of my life, and I was worrying about whether to eat a big cake or to taste a delicious fruit, since there was no place in stomack for both of them. Unfortunately, I hesitated and ate neither as a punishment of wasting too much time. I remember that day till now and has influenced by the(that感觉有点重复）experience a lot. It reminds me to decide promptly and opportunely when standing by a bifurcation. I really appreciate my parents for pushing me, because I truly benefit from that a hundred times.

鉴于到这儿已经484字，我决定把第三个点删掉了。

Just the same as American dream, everyone’s dream is a treasure, no matter how tiny it is. And parents would no doubt love to offer support as long as their child have a clear dream to chase. I believe youg people today can make dicisions on their own because they have free minds and will persue their dream till the last day.

FrancisEvens

17 Aug
Independent Writing：
School always collect information of the teachingperformance of teachers and according to it, give teacher who has efficientteaching rewards. So which is more useful: evaluation by students or by otherteachers?

这个题目虽然算比较有话说，但还是不知道怎么写更多一点啊，所以只有379个字。。。。
我实在憋得不行了==

Under the environment in which parentscares highly about educational quality, the topic of evaluating teachingperformance has been causing more and more attention. While some people claimthat the judgment should be given by teachers, I hold the opposite opinion thatit is students’ voices school should listen to.

First to note is that, students are the subjectswho is taught, not teachers. So there is no doubt that the information ofteaching performance ought to be collected based on students’ feelings. Specifically,some relevant factors that are valuable to provide the scoring include theefficiency of classes, the degree of concentration in classes, and the grade ofactiveness when a discussion is required. Students who attended a class are awareof actual circumstances of all these three factors, and can make an accuratedescription according to their experiences. This is the guarantee to evaluate authenticallyon teacher’s working performance.

What is more, considering students’ rights,pupils should definitely be involved in this evaluating activity. For thematter that a school is belong to both students and teachers, when teachershave chances to decide the teaching method, students are supposed to judge theteaching performance. By offering valuable suggestion, students can improve thelessons’ quality and thus actually benefit from that progress. As a result, notonly students are more willing to study under teachers’ lead, but also parents disburdentheir mind of sending children to this kind of school, which keeps steppingforward by taking different advices.

On the other hand, teachers can sometimes beinequitable when describing each others’ work. As is known to us all,employee’s bonus is decided according to his performance. Hence as long as it ispossible to provide a score personally, employee would try to give himself thehighest one among that given to his colleagues. Considering this situation andthe theory of authority splitting, nobody could judge work performed by themselvesand by their interested parties. So actually, permitting teachers to run theevaluation system is a wrong policy.

In conclusion, students are able to providethe fairest judgment and have the right to do so, while teachers may stand onposition of injustice. I totally agree that evaluation by students is moreuseful after all the reasons listed above.

FrancisEvens

18 Aug
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the followingstatement?
The opinions of celebrities, such as famousentertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than to older people.

In the era of information explosion, more andmore celebrities including famous entertainers and athletes are walking intocitizens’ visual fields. As a result, the importance of those famous people hascaught much attention. While some scholars claim that older people influencedby their opinions most, I prefer to believe that it is the younger ones thatcares about celebrities’ ideas, mainly because younger people have a directaccess to outside information, and because they are more likely to be moved bycelebrities who share a similar age with them.

First to note is that, teenagers and youngadults watch television and surf internet so often that they are aware ofnearly everything happens to stars. So when old men and women staying at home, talkingwith each other, and reading books without keeping an eye on the outside world,active boys and girls always keep up with latest news about persons they loveand adore, notice their behavior in public, and think about the reason they handlethings this way. Thus young people would definitely be led much easier by theopinion of the celebrities. Those people who hold the opposite opinion musthave ignored the importance of information system and old people’s degree ofunfamiliarity toward internet.

Another fact I have to mention is thegeneration gap. Age is something could not be neglected when refers tocommunication between two generations. As is known to us all, most famousentertainers and athletes have an age that is close to young teenagers insteadof older people. Take Xiang Liu as an example, who is no older than 30 when he firstbecame a hero of Chinese young guys. Understanding the Olympic spirit, howcould adolescents not be encouraged by his strong will and hard effort? Not onlythey are proud of his success in early competitions, but also they accept hischoice of quitting a game. Unlike the negative voices from old people, who can hardlybe touched by Liu’s tough training, young adults’ support are apparentlyproduced by the influence of Liu. This is how celebrities influence youngpeople more obviously.

Further more, may be there does exists olderman who focuses on celebrity’s action , but this kind of phenomenon rarely showsamong huge amounts of mid-aged or older persons. Hence it is younger peoplethat affected by famous people much often.

In conclusion, given all the points listedabove, I reinforce my stand point to believe opinion of celebrities are morecrucial to younger people than to older ones.

laneesherry

其实就个人意见来说379字已经足够多了，托福作文是除非你的字只有200+太少影响内容，不然字多并不会有加分。这里之前上课的时候老师建议说独立写作最佳字数是350~380。

蓝色的部分是个人意见及建议
红色的部分是强烈建议修改的地方

Under the environment in which parentscares（parent cares) highly about educational quality, the topic of evaluating teachingperformance(teaching performance) has been causing more and more attention. While some people claimthat(claim that) the judgment should be given by teachers, I hold the opposite opinion thatit(that it) is students’ voices school should listen to.(这个地方同学是想要用强调句吗？中间忘记了“that”：It's students' voces that school should listen to.)(首段表明观点，非常简洁清晰。）

First to note is that, students are the subjectswho(subjects who) is taught, not teachers. （这里半句读起来有些偏口语化，建议用完整的表达。这个纯属个人意见，同学如果认为没问题的话可以无视。）So there is no doubt that the information ofteaching（of teaching） performance ought to be collected based on students’ feelings. Specifically,some relevant factors that are valuable to provide the scoring include theefficiency of classes, the degree of concentration in classes, and the grade ofactiveness（of activeness) when a discussion is required. Students who attended a class are awareof actual circumstances of all these three factors, and can make an accuratedescription according to their experiences. This is the guarantee to evaluate authenticallyon teacher’s working performance.(本段观点是学生是教学对象，所以他们更有资格去评论教师？建议进一步提炼一下主题句。另外就是建议加上例子，没有具体的例子作支撑，说理显得有些空洞无力）

What is more, considering students’ rights,pupils should definitely be involved in this evaluating activity. For thematter（the matter) that a school is belong to both students and teachers, when teachershave(teachers have) chances to decide the teaching method, students are supposed to judge theteaching(the teaching) performance. By offering valuable suggestion, students can improve thelessons’ quality and thus actually benefit from that progress. As a result, notonly students are more willing to study under teachers’ lead, but also parents disburdentheir mind of sending children to this kind of school, which keeps steppingforward by taking different advices.(本段主题句与上一段相比较为清晰，逻辑组织也比较到位。仍然建议加上具体例证。）

On the other hand, teachers can sometimes beinequitable（be inequitable) when describing each others’ work. As is known to us all,employee’s bonus is decided according to his performance. Hence as long as it ispossible to provide a score personally, employee would try to give himself thehighest（the highest) one among that given to his colleagues. Considering this situation andthe theory of authority splitting, nobody could judge work performed by themselvesand by their interested parties. So actually, permitting teachers to run theevaluation(the evaliuation) system is a wrong policy.(本段观点是教师互评的话会带来不公正，说理很清晰但是缺乏例证。)

In conclusion, students are able to providethe fairest judgment and have the right to do so, while teachers may stand onposition of injustice. I totally agree that evaluation by students is moreuseful after all the reasons listed above.

同学的作文是从word上直接copy过来的吗？还是说写的时候比较匆忙？有很多单词连在了一起。
如果是前者，建议在copy之前先在记事本文件上copy一次，再把记事本上的那个搬过来。因为word自动排版的关系，论坛的部分格式读不出来，容易造成单词连在一起的现象。

整体印象：
同学的文章整体结构比较清晰，但是具体的每一分论点的主题句还需要提炼。
还有就是有一个比较大的缺陷：所有的分论点缺乏具体例证，使得分论据的说服力大打折扣。

FrancisEvens

17 Aug 修改后

确实是从word粘过来，原来是这样。。。好的我记住啦

喜欢lanee说的整体印象和每段后面的评价，十分感谢。
考试前才准备写作导致总是懒得背例子。。。唉  再写时会注意主题句和例证的


Under the environment in which parents care highly about educational quality, the topic of evaluating teaching performance has been causing more and more attention. While some people claim that the judgment should be given by teachers, I hold the opposite opinion that it is students’ voices that school should listen to.

First to note is that, students are the subjects who are taught rather than teachers, making their judgment carries high refernce value. So there is no doubt that the information of teaching performance ought to be collected based on students’ feelings. Specifically,some relevant factors that are valuable to provide the scoring include theefficiency of classes, the degree of concentration in classes, and the grade of activeness when a discussion is required. Students who attended a class are awareof actual circumstances of all these three factors, and can make an accuratedescription according to their experiences. This is the guarantee to evaluate authenticallyon teacher’s working performance.

What is more, considering students’ rights,pupils should definitely be involved in this evaluating activity. For the matter that a school is belong to both students and teachers, when teachers have chances to decide the teaching method, students are supposed to judge the teaching performance. By offering valuable suggestion, students can improve the lessons’ quality and thus actually benefit from that progress. As a result, not only students are more willing to study under teachers’ lead, but also parents disburden their mind of sending children to this kind of school, which keeps stepping forward by taking different advices.

On the other hand, teachers can sometimes be inequitable when describing each others’ work. As is known to us all,employee’s bonus is decided according to his performance. Hence as long as it is possible to provide a score personally, employee would try to give himself the highest one among that given to his colleagues. Considering this situation and the theory of authority splitting, nobody could judge work performed by themselves or by their interested parties. So actually, permitting teachers to run the evaliuation system is a wrong policy.

In conclusion, students are able to providethe fairest judgment and have the right to do so, while teachers may stand on position of injustice. I totally agree that evaluation by students is more useful after all the reasons listed above.

FrancisEvens

19 Aug
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
In order to succeed, you should be more like others than be different from everyone else.


Under the environment of tough competetion, nothing has cought more attention than the question of how to be successful amoung millions of competetors. Speaking of success sometimes leads to an argument about being unique, which may be an acceptable strategy. While some people believe that the one who stand out first would always get shot ahead of others, I insist my philosophy that one only can be successful when he is special compared to other ordinary participants, showing he could never be replaced.

First to note is that every success needs an opportunity to get achieved, a chance that can offer you a platform to perform as a perfessional employee. Apparently there exists many competetors who have strong will to win the battle, but the position surely would show kindness to only one or two lucky men. Under this circumstances, how to make yourself outstanding is the crucial question to consider about. Thus being different, I have to mention, is the most efficient way to get attention. Just like the song Ethan Chen gave, nobody would cares unless you keep being different.

Another reason is that being success is equal to being different. It is a common sense that success happens to few people instead of most participants. How could you say the man on the top is no different to others? How could you claim he is nothing more than ordinary people? How on earth could you believe he is successful because of factors other than being unique? Steve Jobs created Apple Coorporation and Apple brand. His accomplishment is due to the special principle and guidline of a completely new product. It would have been a tragedy as long as Steve decided to follow Microsoft's footfrint rather than build his own empire. Hence according to the ratio of success, being different is all that counts to succeed.

On the other hand,  during the era of struggle, sevral times of effort would be necessary as a price for choosing normal policy. Within marketing area, there stands a theory described the relationship between unique strategy and cheap strategy used in market combat. Base on business cases from medieval till now, scholar have draw a conclusion that there are mainly two types of policies a company adopts when searching for an effecient grow. One of them is being unique, the other is being cheap on prices. Obviously, making product different is a wise method because a high revenue can be gained without sacrificing the profit. Thus success will be in hand sooner or later.

In conclusion, performing differently is extremly effective when pursuing success. For the points listed above, being different can get you an valuable opportunity, not to mention success is unique itself. What is more, creativeness can get achievements dramatically faster than anything else. Therefore I firmly believe you should not be similar to others in order to succeed.

479字

mk314400

18 Aug批改
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the followingstatement?
The opinions of celebrities, such as famousentertainers and athletes, are moreimportant to younger people than to older people.

In the era of information explosion, more andmorecelebrities including famous entertainers and athletes are walkingintocitizens’（感觉在这里用citizen这个有点政治色彩的词语不妥。直接用people’s之类的就可以拉） visual fields. As a result, the importanceof those famous people hascaught much attention.（可以改成the importance of their opinions…） While some scholars claim that older people (are) influencedby theiropinions most, I prefer to believe that it is the younger ones thatcares(去s) about celebrities’ ideas, mainly because younger peoplehave a directaccess to outside information, and because they are more likely tobe moved(这里moved有点唐突= =是想表达感动的意思吗？个人觉得有点突然) bycelebrities who share a similar age with them.

（开头结构清晰，观点明确。无功无过。）

First to note is that, teenagers andyoungadults watch television and surf internet so often that they are awareofnearly everything happens to stars. So(前后的因果关系不是很明显) when old men and women staying(stay) at home, talking（同样问题）with each other, and reading（同样问题） books without keeping an eye on the outside world,active（这个active是什么意思？有点意义不明。如果你想说很关心明星的动态的话单单用active不妥。） boys and girls alwayskeep up with latest news about persons they loveand adore, notice theirbehavior in public, and think about the reason they handlethings this way. Thusyoung people would definitely be led much easier by theopinion of the celebrities.Those people who hold the opposite opinion musthave ignored the importance ofinformation system and old people’s degree ofunfamiliarity toward internet.（结尾这句的重点似乎在老人不能接受到很多信息。但是应该明确的是这个是明星的信息。）

（认为年轻人更多的接触到明星的信息所以明星的想法对他们更重要这个理由似乎有点牵强。）

Another fact I have to mention isthegeneration gap. Age is something (that)could not be neglected when refers(referring) tocommunication betweentwo generations. As is known to us all, most famousentertainers and athleteshave an age that is close to young teenagers insteadof(改成rather than更好) older people. Take Xiang Liu as an example, who is noolder than 30 when he firstbecame a hero of Chinese young guys. Understanding（逻辑主语应是刘翔，但是这句的主语是adolescents） the Olympic spirit, howcould adolescentsnot be encouraged by his strong will and hard effort? Not onlythey are（应用倒装） proud of his success inearly competitions, but also they accept hischoice of quitting a game. Unlikethe negative voices from old people, who can hardlybe touched by Liu’s toughtraining, young adults’ support are （is）apparentlyproduced（不妥） by the influence of Liu. This is how celebritiesinfluence youngpeople more obviously.

（例子似乎没有强调是因为代沟而造成问题？代沟带来的问题似乎是不能沟通、喜好不同之类的吧。）

Further more, may be（maybe） there does existsolderman who focuses on celebrity’s action , but this kind of phenomenon rarelyshowsamong huge amounts(amounts修饰不可数名词，改成numbers) of mid-aged or olderpersons. Hence it is younger peoplethat affected by famous people much often.(句子不完整。强调句去掉it is和that 之后应该是完整的句子)

In conclusion, given all the pointslistedabove, I reinforce my stand point to believe opinion of celebrities aremorecrucial to younger people than to older ones.（结尾这段似乎可有可无。建议稍稍充实结尾段的内容）

FrancisEvens

8月18作业改后

考虑了例证没说到点子上，以及结尾不足的问题，下次改正~~
并且瞬间觉得好多语法错误啊。。。反省

In the era of information explosion, more and more celebrities including famous entertainers and athletes are walking into peope's visual fields. As a result, the importance of their opinions has caught much attention. While some scholars claim that older people are influenced by their opinions most, I prefer to believe that it is the younger ones that care about celebrities’ ideas, mainly because younger people have a direct access to outside information, and because they are more likely to be impressed by celebrities who share a similar age with them.

First to note is that, teenagers and young adults watch television and surf internet so often that they are aware of nearly everything happens to stars. When old men and women are staying at home, talking with each other, and reading books without keeping an eye on the outside world, active enthusiastic boys and girls always keep up with latest news about persons they loveand adore, notice their behavior in public, and think about the reason they handle things this way. Thus young people would definitely be led much easier by the opinion of the celebrities.Those people who hold the opposite opinion must have ignored the importance of information system and old people’s degree of unfamiliarity toward internet.

Another fact I have to mention is the generation gap. Age is something that could not be neglected when referring to communication between two generations. As is known to us all, most famous entertainers and athletes have an age that is close to young teenagers rather than older people. Take Xiang Liu as an example, who is no older than 30 when he firstbecame a hero of Chinese young guys. Understanding the Olympic spirit, how could adolescents not be encouraged by his strong will and hard effort? Not only are they proud of his success in early competitions, but also they accept his choice of quitting a game. Unlike the negative voices from old people, who can hardly be touched by Liu’s tough training, young adults’ support is apparently raised by the influence of Liu. This is how celebrities influence young people more obviously.

Further more, maybe there does exists older man who focuses on celebrity’s action , but this kind of phenomenon rarely shows among huge numbers of mid-aged or olderpersons. Hence it is younger people that are affected by famous people much often.

In conclusion, given all the points listed above, I reinforce my stand point to believe opinion of celebrities are more crucial to younger people than to older ones.