Why MBA的开头 这样够不够impressive

看了很多的例文， 结合了自己的经历，改了又改，最后定了why mba的开头。请各位帮忙看一下够不够impressive. 能不能引起ad com的兴趣和重视.谢谢

My motivation to pursue an MBA is a combination of many factors. Firstly, my dual degrees of Business English and Information System Management prepared me well with the quantitative analytical skills and business sense. Secondly, my working experience in three teams of three multi-national companies provided me with global view and experience of working with people from different countries. Thirdly, my last position as a team leader provided me with experience of managing people and leadership potential.  Besides, my post-MBA career goals became clear and clear after I met the current general manager of XXX. I want to take the form of him, who is a cofounder of XXX and turned the company into a $30,000,000 revenue company within three years and provided IT outsourcing services for world class companies such as XXX, XXX, and XXX.